Worried Ruth ish worried
I love my friends.
Let me say that first.
Every one of my friends, I love to pieces. They took me from being a shy little nerd with mega self-esteem issues to the girl I am today...a very noisy and irritating nerd with some self esteem issues. I honestly think I'd do anything for them.
Which is why I'm getting worried. See, I'm one of the oldest in our little group, and one of the only girls (which, sadly, means conversations and hugs seem to be rather filled with talk of my 'balloon holders', as Crippleboy christened them). Several of my closest friends are very vulnerable...aforementioned Crippleboy is by far the most at risk, since he has a disease unidentifiable by doctors, goes blind in direct sunlight, has a tendency to throw up or fall over randomly and is incidentally one of the oddest people I've ever met.
The core of our little group is probably Crippleboy, Agito, Chado, Chaoji, Kiba, Katie, Shona and Yuki (all Japanese names are anime nicknames I give my friends. I'm Hana-chan and my sister periodically becomes Hiruma). Half the boys hate Yuki, but we get along.
Our nemesis, who delights in beating us up (and is two years younger than me...THE SHAME!) has, of late, been much worse. He caused Crippleboy to throw up by forcing him to drink two pints of milk without pausing, he ripped my art coursework, he bounced vegetables off my head into Yuki's face, he poured custard into imouto-chan's juice, he knows exactly what upsets us and says it.
But...he's stopped hitting me. Altogether. I think he's realised he doesn't have to. I'm quite a peacemaker, and if he threatens to hit me I just take it. If he threatens to hit Crippleboy or Kiba or anybody else, I get really upset.
The biggest problem. Agito defends him. He's probably joking around when he tells me to apologise for bullying Jack (the Evil One) as Jack pours milk on Crippleboy's sandwiches and says "Yeah, Ruth, stop bullying me!". But periodically Agito or Jack will say something like "or he'll/I'll beat me/him up" and I start to wonder. Are they joking? Is Jack intimidating Agito? I can't tell what their dynamic is, because like I said they're both in a different year from me.
But I want to defend my friends. It breaks my heart, feeling this weak. Because I can't stop Crippleboy getting hurt, and I can't help Agito because I don't know if he's in trouble, and GAAAAH!!!!
I can hurt people if I get absolutely raging. Unless my control is broken, though, I just flail. And it takes a LOT to break the unconscious control I exert over my anger, because I hate getting people hurt.
It's the same problem as plagued me for years seven and eight, when I was new to this school and I had no friends and I was very, very emo. Lots of little things that hurt me deeply but aren't enough to justify an attack.
I don't know what to do.Oh yes, and don't get the wrong idea. I am not an angstbunny. I am happy with my life. It's just this one thing, on top of quite a bit of stress, that has me T.Ting.
Let me say that first.
Every one of my friends, I love to pieces. They took me from being a shy little nerd with mega self-esteem issues to the girl I am today...a very noisy and irritating nerd with some self esteem issues. I honestly think I'd do anything for them.
Which is why I'm getting worried. See, I'm one of the oldest in our little group, and one of the only girls (which, sadly, means conversations and hugs seem to be rather filled with talk of my 'balloon holders', as Crippleboy christened them). Several of my closest friends are very vulnerable...aforementioned Crippleboy is by far the most at risk, since he has a disease unidentifiable by doctors, goes blind in direct sunlight, has a tendency to throw up or fall over randomly and is incidentally one of the oddest people I've ever met.
The core of our little group is probably Crippleboy, Agito, Chado, Chaoji, Kiba, Katie, Shona and Yuki (all Japanese names are anime nicknames I give my friends. I'm Hana-chan and my sister periodically becomes Hiruma). Half the boys hate Yuki, but we get along.
Our nemesis, who delights in beating us up (and is two years younger than me...THE SHAME!) has, of late, been much worse. He caused Crippleboy to throw up by forcing him to drink two pints of milk without pausing, he ripped my art coursework, he bounced vegetables off my head into Yuki's face, he poured custard into imouto-chan's juice, he knows exactly what upsets us and says it.
But...he's stopped hitting me. Altogether. I think he's realised he doesn't have to. I'm quite a peacemaker, and if he threatens to hit me I just take it. If he threatens to hit Crippleboy or Kiba or anybody else, I get really upset.
The biggest problem. Agito defends him. He's probably joking around when he tells me to apologise for bullying Jack (the Evil One) as Jack pours milk on Crippleboy's sandwiches and says "Yeah, Ruth, stop bullying me!". But periodically Agito or Jack will say something like "or he'll/I'll beat me/him up" and I start to wonder. Are they joking? Is Jack intimidating Agito? I can't tell what their dynamic is, because like I said they're both in a different year from me.
But I want to defend my friends. It breaks my heart, feeling this weak. Because I can't stop Crippleboy getting hurt, and I can't help Agito because I don't know if he's in trouble, and GAAAAH!!!!
I can hurt people if I get absolutely raging. Unless my control is broken, though, I just flail. And it takes a LOT to break the unconscious control I exert over my anger, because I hate getting people hurt.
It's the same problem as plagued me for years seven and eight, when I was new to this school and I had no friends and I was very, very emo. Lots of little things that hurt me deeply but aren't enough to justify an attack.
I don't know what to do.Oh yes, and don't get the wrong idea. I am not an angstbunny. I am happy with my life. It's just this one thing, on top of quite a bit of stress, that has me T.Ting.