Comments | yatimk: Children and Toilets

yatimk

Children and Toilets

Mar 07, 2006 09:38

This is a story I recently wrote for Mur Lafferty's ISBW crit contest. It was odd (for me) in that it has a female protagonist. So I wrote and submitted it under the pseudonym Joanna T. Knight, which is an anagram of "Jonathan T. King." I did not win, but I was not expecting to, either. There were a number of great entries, and at that point, as ( Read more... )

fiction, short stories

Comments 7

Since you asked.... aeb March 8 2006, 20:10:24 UTC

Well, basically I think it's good. The story mostly fits together, and the character development makes sense. She seems to take things awfully hard, but some people do exactly that. {Smile}

Since you asked for suggestions, the first dream isn't that dreamlike. It sounds normal until she says she wants her locket. Dreams usually don't hold together that well. One part doesn't connect with another quite right, so they feel off. It could be as subtle as the husband arriving home shortly after she said he wouldn't be off work for a couple of hours, but there should be something more to look back on and say "So that's why that didn't fit; it was a dream." {Smile}

Also, at the end you say: I know that sounds corny, like that's how the story's supposed to end: "Everyone lived happily ever after," and all that garbage. Everyone did not live happily ever after. but then you mention things that could fit into a happily-ever-after. I'm expecting to hear about something that was still wrong at that point; something that proves it wasn't happily ( ... )

Re: Since you asked.... yatimk March 8 2006, 21:57:15 UTC

Hi, Anne. Thanks for the comments ( ... )

Re: Since you asked.... aeb March 10 2006, 04:41:41 UTC

Hmm... Hallucinations don't follow quite the same rules as dreams. Still, I think making it slightly off a little sooner might be a nice touch. In any case, yes: make it clearer what that is. {SMILE ( ... )

ndrosen March 9 2006, 04:08:24 UTC

That wasn't very pleasant reading, but it was effectively, if not quite perfectly, done. It drove home the point about forgiveness.

yatimk March 9 2006, 05:37:29 UTC

Thanks for the feedback, Nicholas. This piece produces a wide variety of responses from people. I wonder if that might be caused by the juxtaposition of toilet humour with mental anguish. That's one issue I was concerned about.

As to imperfection, I should add that this is only a second draft. Actually, it's close to a first draft, since I only had time to revise it quickly before the deadline. That's no excuse, of course, for poor quality. If I was serious about writing this story--and I was--I should have made sure I had enough time to do a good job before I ran out of time.

-TimK

I Liked It ndrosen April 20 2006, 17:13:11 UTC

I personally feel it's one heck of a good job, Tim. I may have a higher "Ewwww!" tolerance than many folks, though, so take that into account...

Suldog

good anonymous April 27 2006, 01:18:35 UTC

Iloved it.

PS your a graet cook