Suicide
Yup today's topic is just that. I know that probably no one else reads this but my sister *until I found several people had friended me who I had no idea who they were* but I like to keep it talking just out there, to anyone. I really think that at least thinking of suicide is completely normal, compulsion, however, is not IMHO. Everyone has to wonder about it, if they've ever had such a hard problem that seemed like the bulk of it was life itself, any logical person knows just get rid of the problem, and if life is the problem, killing yourself seems like a very feasible answer if your problem is living hurts so bad you feel you can't take it anymore. My view is that life itself is like hell, that we have to make the best out of while we're here *kind of like high school!* and death is peace. The simplicity of it is very appealing if you ponder it, but we are all human so self-preservation generally reigns while our consciousness can't stand the idea of not existing. Anyway, I think I was about 10 the first time I thought about it. But I'm logical, so something reckless wasn't my style, and I'm a girl so bloody/violent wasn't my first choice. My parents keep a lot of medications around, probably some a 40 pound girl could do some damage with. Sometimes I'd stay up all night thinking about it. Would I do it? Could I do it? What would happen, and what if it didn't work? If it did work, would I regret it? If I didn't do it, I could probably find some psycho who'd chop me up into little bitty pieces. Did I ever even attempt it? No. Did I seriously contemplate it? Yes. I feel I can talk about people who do it, and I don't feel sorry for them, because I've been in that position myself. Those people know what they are doing, and they know help is out there, which I'd agree I wouldn't tell my parents or friends, they'd just make it worse, but there are hotlines and therapists out there. just for that purpose. And I don't really feel alone in this. Every guy I've ever been seriously involved with has contemplated suicide, up to the point they had the gun/knife/pills whatever in their hands. One even attempted it. Another one almost did succeed yet it was mostly accidental, but it was a self-destructive behavior nonetheless. The beginning of high school was super hard, I think I started cutting myself the summer before 9th grade, it wasn't a habit though. Not a ritual I'd do every Tuesday, it was impulsive. I fought with my parents, over what I have no idea, and sometimes with my then internet boyfriend, and while we'd talk on the phone I'd do it. I was convinced that he didn't "love" me as much as I did him, so there you go. All of my relationships have been unhealthy. There was no significant change. This is how I operate. Then I started dating Jake, and mostly I did it because of the fights I'd have with my parents. People who haven't cut and think we are nutso have obviously never done it. It feels fan-tas-tic. Yes, of course it hurts, but to be able to feel pain first of all is awesome if you can't make sense of what you're feeling. Secondly, to be able to control it and overcome it, not to mention the endorphin rush, gives you a sense of having a handle on something when you can't control anything else in your life, at least you feel that way. I haven't thought about doing those things in a long while though. As much turmoil as my marriage was, it was a much needed ego boost. I felt super validated, and I believed if someone could love me enough to do that, I really was a worthwhile person. I don't always feel like worthwhile but I don't think life is worth quitting over any situation and with all the stretch marks I have now I don't need anymore scars.