(no subject)
Welcome to my guide on how to take pictures like a self-indulgent whore. Inspired by a stranger's myspace account.
How to take pictures like a conceited yet subconsciously self loathing asshole.
Are we ready for our transformation? Yes we are!
POSTURE:
Angle the camera above your head so your face looks slimmer since you don't want people seeing the fatty you really are.
Wear a revealing shirt and make sure the camera's getting a shot down your non-existant cleavage so you think it makes your boobs look bigger. (On a serious note, I'd just like to say that doing that isn't making you look sexier. People look down there expecting cleavage and it's just a disappointment.) If you have boobs, go away you slut. You're not prettier than me, I hate you.
Hang on to your spaghetti strap as if it was your last strand of life. It's glamorous. I don't know why, it just is, according to the experts anyway.
HAIR:
Make sure your hair is in front of your face and taking up most of it. You don't want people seeing your disgusting flaw that is your face. You ugly fuck.
EYES:
Wear massive amounts of liquid eyeliner and eye shadow because it hides your ugly fat eyelids.
Also, when taking the picture, either look down so it looks like your eyes are closed and so your pasted-on eye shadow radiates off your face, or make your eyes as wide as humanly possible. You dont want people to see those ugly squinty eyes, do you?
SKIN:
You MUST airbrush your entire face with Photoshop or you had better hope you have a gallon of concealer. Remember, every distinct feature on your face is ugly. Do the world a favor and hide it.
NOSE:
Never, ever, EVER make a face that makes your nose look wide, i.e. smiling. People will think you are ugly.
MOUTH:
I must emphasize the importance of not smiling. Your smile is really, really ugly. It squints your eyes and makes your nose look big.
Well let's see how our transformation worked!
Before...
AFTER!
EXTRA NOTE:
If you are going to make a silly face in order to try and convey some trace of personality, remember to alter nothing about your face but your eyebrows and mouth. If you make your eyes look funny, you'll look ugly. There are a couple risks of doing the silly pose. Remember. You can't smile. Smiling makes you ugly. Do something with your mouth that does not alter the position of your nose. Also, if you raise your eyebrows the wrong way, it will make your forehead wrinkle, making you look old. And ugly.
And I'm tres done.
How to take pictures like a conceited yet subconsciously self loathing asshole.
Are we ready for our transformation? Yes we are!
POSTURE:
Angle the camera above your head so your face looks slimmer since you don't want people seeing the fatty you really are.
Wear a revealing shirt and make sure the camera's getting a shot down your non-existant cleavage so you think it makes your boobs look bigger. (On a serious note, I'd just like to say that doing that isn't making you look sexier. People look down there expecting cleavage and it's just a disappointment.) If you have boobs, go away you slut. You're not prettier than me, I hate you.
Hang on to your spaghetti strap as if it was your last strand of life. It's glamorous. I don't know why, it just is, according to the experts anyway.
HAIR:
Make sure your hair is in front of your face and taking up most of it. You don't want people seeing your disgusting flaw that is your face. You ugly fuck.
EYES:
Wear massive amounts of liquid eyeliner and eye shadow because it hides your ugly fat eyelids.
Also, when taking the picture, either look down so it looks like your eyes are closed and so your pasted-on eye shadow radiates off your face, or make your eyes as wide as humanly possible. You dont want people to see those ugly squinty eyes, do you?
SKIN:
You MUST airbrush your entire face with Photoshop or you had better hope you have a gallon of concealer. Remember, every distinct feature on your face is ugly. Do the world a favor and hide it.
NOSE:
Never, ever, EVER make a face that makes your nose look wide, i.e. smiling. People will think you are ugly.
MOUTH:
I must emphasize the importance of not smiling. Your smile is really, really ugly. It squints your eyes and makes your nose look big.
Well let's see how our transformation worked!
Before...
AFTER!
EXTRA NOTE:
If you are going to make a silly face in order to try and convey some trace of personality, remember to alter nothing about your face but your eyebrows and mouth. If you make your eyes look funny, you'll look ugly. There are a couple risks of doing the silly pose. Remember. You can't smile. Smiling makes you ugly. Do something with your mouth that does not alter the position of your nose. Also, if you raise your eyebrows the wrong way, it will make your forehead wrinkle, making you look old. And ugly.
And I'm tres done.