Comments | yeahyouare: (без темы)

yeahyouare

(Untitled)

Jan 07, 2007 14:37

I just wrote a really horrible essay, and it has no flow at all or anything, so I would appreciate some feedback from it. I mean, actual feedback, no just, "Oh man, that sucks!" or "Oh, I really liked it!" So I'm going to post it ( Read more... )

Comments 6

asd ben1338605 January 7 2007, 22:54:32 UTC

you should mention your own "untraditional" experiences. i.e. horse tranquilizers, etc.

this is clumsy: "certifiable general distrusting malcontent,"
as is this: "or at least determine the legitimacy of their hold on American society."

and in that last clause, you seem to distinguish between "ways" and "methods" besides "traditional ways" and "untraditional methods" being a simple binary.

smaller things: change "decided" to "decide" and "this" to "the."
i
its not horrible.

cpthookismyhero January 8 2007, 22:03:46 UTC

both paragraphs are strong, but the connection between them needs to be stronger. the transition isn't bad, but they sound like they were written by two different people. the first paragraph is really casual and rather entertaining. the second paragraph is all "i'm out to save the world! *fanfare plays in background*" which isn't bad, but it just doesn't match the first paragraph. work on incorporating your passion and vigor from p2 into paragraph 1, and add some of p1's humor to p2.
possibly change "untraditional" to "nontraditional", untraditional sounds funny.

YOUR FACE! yungurbncodkilr January 9 2007, 03:23:42 UTC

There are some strong ideas, but I think you may be headed in a seemingly inappropriate direction. It is entirely reasonable to interject you and your experiences into this essay, but at the same time it is important to keep it clean of very emotional phrases such as "You know, the generation with mothers who decided that there simply must be some sort of reason why little Jimmy was failing kindergarten, preferably one that didn’t have anything to do with bad parenting or an excess of watching T.V." I think you have a strong subject with which to work here, but to be granted the kind of objective respect that comes with honest research you will have to remove not you, but your emotions from this. Swaying opinion with subtle "catch phrases" is a relatively easy way to garner support (ask some motherfucking Republicans named Rove) for your cause, but facts and well documented anecdotes are lasting and infinitely more powerful ( ... )

Re: YOUR FACE! yeahyouare January 9 2007, 23:42:17 UTC

You are the best.

Re: YOUR FACE! yungurbncodkilr January 10 2007, 05:19:36 UTC

It's a fact. Like gravity.

Duh.

Re: YOUR FACE! yungurbncodkilr January 10 2007, 05:33:36 UTC

And here is a starting point.

http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=Government-industry_revolving_door

Do a search of the page (ctrl+f) for "FDA". You should be pleasantly surprised... or not. I'm not. I mean... I should be... but I'm not. ::puts fingers in ears and rolls eyes back:: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!