an occasion when I really feel ALONE
Well, tomorrow I close on my house. Or, well, at least I'm supposed to. I'm seriously thinking about just not showing up and forfeiting the $5000 earnest money. I fucking don't care anymore. If it can go wrong, it will. Back in my senior year of high school, they made an extra category on the Senior Superlatives just for me: Best Example of Murphy's Law.
I'm supposed to close at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning, and I'm supposed to come with four things, two of which I do not have (the most important one being the cashier's check for what I owe.) It is 10:00 the night before, and I have yet to be told what the amount is supposed to be OR to whom the check is to be made. The bank opens at 9:00 a.m., but I have a walk-through at that time too. Oh, and did I mention the bank is two hours away?
Am I the first person to show up to a closing without any money, without copies of anything--my contract, my lender papers, my loan agreement, and my estimated closing costs? The figures I have (from memory because I don't actually have copies of anything I signed my name to) require me to bring to closing about $4000 more than I actually have.
Most of this is happening because my lender neglected to listen when I told him I would be completely unavailable Thursday and Friday, because he waited until the last minute to take care of anything (telling me repeatedly that he would overnight me some papers to sign but, alas, never, never actually doing it), and, probably, because my loan, while of an astronomical amount to me, is piddly compared to most northern Virginia home buyers' loans. I thought it was his job to approve me for a house I could actually afford? I thought it was his job to make sure that I actually HAVE the money I need?
As if I'm not stressed out enough over all of this, just now my realtor called to tell me that she has been called up for jury duty tomorrow and will have to send someone else in her place. I didn't realize how much I was depending on her to get me through this until she called to tell me she won't be there in the morning. I managed to hold it together on the phone--public stoicism being both my pride and my downfall--but the minute I got off the phone, I broke down into hysterical sobbing. And I haven't stopped yet.
It is a rare day that my dogged independence fails me. It is a rare day that I feel so alone. But tomorrow I will be buying a house for the first time in my life, a house worth about $50,000 MORE than I ever predicted in all of my lifetime I'd spend on a house. I have no clue what is going on. My mother and father are on vacation with my brother and my sister. My real estate agent will be trying some other fucker's crime. And I will walk into the great unknown tomorrow with more fear than I thought possible, and there will be no one there I know. I do feel so god awful incredibly alone right now.
But worse than that is the disgust I feel with myself. Is it not okay to be afraid? Feel alone? Feel like I actually need someone? I'm trying to tell myself that it is.