FWD and a survey
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Open iTunes to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how
embarrassing it is.
How many songs: 1246 songs
Sort by song:
First Song:'Twas the Night Before Christmas by Chris LeDoux
Last Song: Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer
Sort by time:
Shortest Song: Hey mama by Kayne West all 13 seconds of it
Longest Song: A piece from the Nutcracker Ballet all 15:19
Sort by artist:
First Song: Canon I D Major (Christmas Tunes)
Last Song: Track 21 (Here comes Santa Clause by Elvis...I just loaded all the Christmas tunes ok...)
Sort by album:
First Album: Hello by Oasis
Last Album: Going Away to College by Blink 182
Top Five Most Played Songs:
1) No, Not Now by Hot Hot Heat
2) Bandages by Hot Hot Heat
3) Aveda by Hot Hot Heat
4) Naked in the City by Hot Hot Heat
5) Citadel by Anna Nalick
Ok so I know why they are all Hot Hot Heat... I always go hit to play them and then I usually run out real fast and stop. Then I start from the beginning of my list and play them again.
First song that comes up on Shuffle: Hash Pipe by Weezer
Find "sex," how many songs show up?
17. 16/17 of them are by Red Hot Chili Pepers
Find "death," how many songs show up?
4
Death and Destruction by Weezer
Steadier Footing by Death Cab for Cutie
We Laugh indoors by Death Cab for Cutie
It's Not a Fashion Statement, It's a Deathwish...My Chemical Romance
Find "love," how many songs show up?
34...wow that is a lot of love songs
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves." "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the North Pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard roof noises up on their roof-tops. Smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf would sue o'er the use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Asking millions of dollars in due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life, Joined a self-helping group, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause such commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim and nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike and so, non-pacific. or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales too, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie...(just better off hidden.) For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who said the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, not football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to the dirt. Dolls were too sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo, 'twas found, rots your brain cells away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just couldn't figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, (But you've got to be careful with that word today.) His sack was quite empty, lay limp on the ground; No suitable gift for this year could be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people and every religion; Every ethnicity, each color and hue, Everyone, everywhere...even to you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."