Sing For Me
4-year-old fic that I STILL need to finish writing. TT_TT
Yunjae. PG-13. Word Count: 3150.
Jaejoong loses his voice.
“Higher, higher!”
There’s a crack of wood against wood that makes the room flinch.
“Hold it! Goddammit, when I say to go higher, you go higher!”
Jaejoong’s pleading voice. “But hyung-”
“Higher!”
Jaejoong looks like he’s about to cry, the members can tell by the way he’s pressing his lips together to keep it all in. Junsu and Yoochun stand awkwardly, glancing at each other as if they can’t tell whether they should jump in to Jaejoong’s defense or wait quietly. In the corner, Changmin’s head is dropped, like he’s the one being yelled at. Yunho is looking away too, but in anger, fists visibly clenched with the suppressed emotions he can’t release.
It’s not fair that Jaejoong’s always the one being pushed so hard. He may be the main vocal, but there are four other singers in the group.
Jaejoong attempts to sing the verse again, and at the instructor’s order, he takes it a whole octave higher. The members make pained faces when Jaejoong’s voice breaks again.
“Again!” the instructor roars, face purpled.
Even their group manager jumps in place, but he quickly composes himself. He has been watching against the door for a while, which is fitting-he keeps them from escaping.
"Hyung, please, Jaejoong has been practicing the part for an hour,” Junsu says beseechingly, but the instructor ignores him.
Jaejoong tries again, and manages to hold the note for a few good seconds before he suddenly collapses, holding his throat and coughing hoarsely. The other members rush to him worriedly.
“Jaejoong!”
"Hyung!"
“Jaejoong-hyung!”
Yunho was standing the closest, so he reaches Jaejoong first and steadies him with a careful hand.
“Hey, you okay? Jaejoong?”
Jaejoong manages a shaky nod, lips pursed together. His forehead is shining with sweat, and midnight black strands of hair are sticking to his face. He looks shaky and pale, and the way he’s holding his throat makes Yunho’s temper flare.
“God, not again. Alright, I give up. We’ll end the session for today then. Come back tomorrow when you’re actually ready to sing your part.” The instructor spits the last bit at Jaejoong, but for Yunho it’s the last straw.
Leaving Changmin to hold onto the limp Jaejoong, Yunho marches up to the instructor. Out the corner of his eye, he sees their manager straighten in alarm.
"Hyung, wait a moment. Jaejoong…Jaejoong’s been working really hard to get this part right for you. I don’t think it’s fair that you’ve been pushing him so much,” Yunho says as respectfully as he can, though he can’t completely hold back the stony anger from his face.
The instructor looks surprised, and then quickly affronted. “What? Don’t be ridiculous, Yunho. It’s my job to push you boys to become better. What do you think I do this for? For fun?”
“But still,” Yunho insists, “Jaejoong’s having a lot of trouble. Couldn’t you take it a bit easier on him?”
“Easier?” The man repeats, and then scoffs. When Yunho’s stony expression doesn’t change, the instructor huffs and says, “Fine.” He looks around Yunho at where Jaejoong is still on the ground. “You! If you can’t handle singing your parts, then I’ll just have someone else sing them. Junsu!” he barks, and Junsu jumps in place.
“Y-yes!”
“Can you sing this part?”
Junsu looks guiltily at Jaejoong before he nods and mumbles, “Yes.”
“Good. Then we’ll have you practice it tomorrow.” The instructor looks satisfied, and he pats Junsu on the back as passes by to pick his bag off the table.
“Now that that’s settled, we will finish the recording after another practice tomorrow. Be here at nine-o-clock sharp. Dismissed!”
“Have a good day,” the manager bows as the instructor departs.
When the doors finally shut behind him, the members turn back to Jaejoong. Changmin looks shocked, and his hand shakes just the slightest as he places it on Jaejoong’s shoulder.
"Hyung."
Jaejoong doesn’t look up from his arms. He has folded up his legs against his body, and inside the cocoon, he’s still holding his throat tightly.
The manager looks awkwardly at the group (barely even glancing down at Jaejoong’s curled up form) and opens the door again.
“I’ll be getting the van ready,” he says with his face half-turned away, “Don’t take too long.”
When he leaves, the room falls silent.
“Come on, let’s just go home,” Yoochun says. He picks up his bag and (after a slight pause) Jaejoong’s bag, and throws them over his shoulder.
All of them are startled when a loud bang hits the room. Yunho is breathing heavily and holding his raw right fist and the work table is vibrating with the force of his punch.
“Yunho-hyung." Junsu breathes.
“I hate them,” Yunho says lowly, “Both of them. It’s always like this, and Jaejoong probably won’t be able to even speak for the rest of the day because of him.”
“I know, but what can we do?” Yoochun says bitterly, “It’s not like we have any power against the instructor, and manager-hyung does nothing…as usual.”
Yunho whirls around. “So does that mean we should do nothing??”
“No, of course not. But-,” Yoochun retorts, but then falters and goes silent.
“Dammit, dammit, dammit!” Yunho starts to pace like he does when he’s really angry.
Junsu glances worriedly back at the still silent Jaejoong before he turns to Yoochun, “I agree with Yunho. We have to do something. We can’t keep doing this every time we have a new song. Jaejoong-hyung can’t keep doing this.”
Since the beginning of their debut, Jaejoong has been assigned as their lead vocal, so he usually has the most difficult singing parts. He has endured the responsibility for the most part, but as the number of songs increased with their rising popularity, Jaejoong has been put under more and more pressure. Technically speaking, Jaejoong has the best voice control in the group, but Changmin has the most strength, and Junsu the best combination of control and strength. Jaejoong’s voice, which already isn’t as strong as it should be, is weak in high parts since his naturally husky voice is unsuited for them. But just being able to sing high notes doesn’t make a good singer. Jaejoong was picked as their lead vocal for a reason-a reason that their instructor seems to forget these days as he forces Jaejoong’s voice to its limit.
“Again, I know,” Yoochun groans tiredly as he balls his fists into his eyes, “But what do we do? There’s nothing we can do. Instructor-hyung reports directly to the head, and he’s got manager-hyung on his side. We try anything, and it’s our word against theirs. Hell!” He snaps the last part in English.
This time was worse than usual, although they could remember plenty of incidents that were just as bad. A mistake in scheduling had gotten their usual rehearsal pushed to the end of the day, after the group had already tired themselves out singing at a live show, which was why Jaejoong had more trouble than usual bringing enough strength into his voice. It didn’t help that their instructor was in a bullying mood that night and focused completely on forcing Jaejoong to sing himself ragged.
Changmin is still very carefully stroking Jaejoong’s hair as he watches his agitated hyungs. Under his hand, he feels Jaejoong move and he freezes. "Hyung?”
Jaejoong raises his head slowly, revealing red but dry eyes.
The rest of the members stop, although Yunho doesn’t stop pacing until Jaejoong finally calls out to him.
“Yunho, stop,” Jaejoong croaks.
Yunho is breathing heavily, and he doesn’t look any calmer than before but he stops pacing.
“Your voice,” Junsu starts, but Jaejoong interrupts.
He does well at keeping the pain off his face as he croaks, “Let’s just…go home. I’m tired.”
“Yeah, yeah, let’s go,” Changmin agrees, and he looks at his hyungs pleadingly, “Let’s just go, huh? Let’s go home.” Yunho looks like he wants to say something but Yoochun is already pulling him away and Junsu goes over to help Jaejoong up with Changmin.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Jaejoong keeps saying but he almost stumbles into Junsu since his legs are weak from being folded up so tightly and then Changmin refuses to let go of Jaejoong’s arm.
“Stop speaking. You’ll just aggravate your throat,” the youngest orders as he wraps Jaejoong’s arm around his shoulder like he hurt his legs and not his voice. Like this, Changmin practically carries Jaejoong out the door and Junsu can’t help but smile despite the situation as he follows them out.
Yoochun and Yunho are already in the van, and when the trio get to it Yunho looks a bit better but his lips still thin when he sees Jaejoong weakly drop into his seat.
The manager is sitting in the front with the driver and looks straight ahead like there’s something fascinating in the road before them. The driver worriedly glances back through the rearview mirror, trying to catch one of their eyes.
Yunho takes a deep breath and doesn’t say a word. Neither do any of the others.
Jaejoong leans his head against the side window and watches the buildings pass by in a blur.
The ride home is silent.
^^^^^^^^^
Jaejoong wonders that night, when he’s retreated into his bed hours earlier than the others would even think of going to sleep, when singing became such a chore.
He thinks back to the old days when he had fun singing with everyone else. They seem so far away now.
Jaejoong realizes then that his hand is raised toward the ceiling, palm bared, as if reaching for something, and that it has been raised for a while now. He quickly lowers it and thinks self-consciously to himself that he’s a kid still.
^^^^^^^^^
As they troop off stage, the first thing Yoochun does is give Jaejoong a brief but tight hug. Behind them, fans roar their approval but for once it isn’t fan service. Yoochun keeps Jaejoong close with what others would pass off as a casual arm across the shoulders but his fingers press reassuringly into the top of his arm. “It’s okay. Hyung won’t be that mad,” Yoochun murmurs, but he’s being optimistic and they both know it.
Changmin glances worriedly at him and Yunho’s already walking in front of Jaejoong to shield him, but it’s no use. Their manager, who’s been waiting in the shadows offstage, swoops in and pulls Jaejoong out from their protective crowd.
“We have to talk. Now. Follow me,” the manager orders, but it’s not like Jaejoong can argue when the manager’s fingers are cuffed around his wrist. The man quickly drags him away before he realizes what a scene he’s making and lets go of Jaejoong. He flicks his head at them impatiently and the rest of the way to the room is spent with their heads down, not that anyone notices. The backstage is as busy as always and the music from the next performer is pumping so loud that the assistants have to yell to hear each other. In the dim light, Jaejoong stands out like a ghost with his pale skin. Changmin, who’s walking close to his left, notices how the older singer is rubbing at his wrist and bites his lip.
As soon as the door shuts out any outside observers the manager turns on him.
“Do you know what you’ve done?” he hisses and Jaejoong flinches as if he’s been struck. The others still and watch with wide eyes.
“I’m sorry, hyung." Jaejoong says, head hung.
“Do you know what you’ve DONE?”
Jaejoong takes a deep, shuddering breath and tries not to wince when his voice shakes embarrassingly. He keeps his head down because he knows better than to look straight at the manager; that’ll just make the man madder.
“I messed up. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Jaejoong pleads.
“Damn straight, you messed up! You cracked on LIVE television! In front of the entire nation! Do you know how embarrassing that is for the company? All that practice, down the drain! How do you think we’re going to explain why our so-called lead vocalist of our renowned acapella group broke so obviously on stage?”
The manager gestures wildly as he yells and he looks so much like he’s about to hit something that Junsu quickly flies forward despite himself.
"Hyung, please. Jaejoong-hyung was just tired from that show we did earlier today. Please don’t blame him so much,” Junsu persuades.
“But this-! The other mistakes were small; those could be ignored. But this…this…!” The manager looks overwhelmed, and he leans against the back of a couch for support, deflated.
“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry,” Jaejoong murmurs again, bowing so much that it looks like he’ll fall over. Underneath the curtain of his hair tears are streaking silently across his face.
The manager sighs and rubs a hand over his face, looking much older all of a sudden. Finally he announces, “The president wants to speak to you, in person.”
As a group the members silently gasp. The president only meets them in person when they really screw up, otherwise they would receive a strict phone call. The manager’s words are like a death sentence.
“Prepare yourself. I’m supposed to take you to him as soon as we finish tonight.”
After that, Jaejoong doesn’t remember much. He’s in a daze for the rest of the night, worrying sick over what to say when he meets the head of the company.
He made a huge mistake this time. His voice cracked on live television, and Changmin-their youngest; the magnae-had to rescue him. When Jaejoong’s voice cut off in the middle of his solo, Changmin quickly jumped in the next second and finished the part, and this would have all well and fine if it hadn’t happened on live television.
How embarrassing, Jaejoong realizes vaguely. The oldest member having to be saved by the youngest. He can understand why their manager is so angry with him. The president probably wants to meet him in person so he can kick Jaejoong out the group. It would make it more official if he told Jaejoong in person, ‘You’re out of the group. Pack your bags and leave by the next morning. You never had the talent to keep up with the rest of the members.’
“Don’t fret so much,” Junsu says as he pulls up alongside Jaejoong and gives his shoulder a reassuring squeeze, much like Yoochun did earlier. They’re heading back to the stage for their second performance and Jaejoong’s fallen behind the group while he was lost in his thoughts.
“Hey, you two! Hurry up!” Yunho calls from ahead.
“Let’s go,” Junsu urges, and Jaejoong shakes his head to clear it and quickly follows Junsu to the stage. He can’t afford to make another mistake tonight.
The others are waiting because they always go on stage in a group. Jaejoong shouldn’t be so surprised by the quiet “Let’s go, hyung,” Changmin murmurs, Junsu’s lingering pat on his back, or the casual punch to the arm from Yoochun who looks at him so meaningfully that it becomes not so casual after all, but he is, and by the time Yunho is holding him back from going onstage with what sounds like the start to an inspiring leader-like speech his eyes have started to sting in a very familiar way. How many times is he going to end up crying in front of everyone tonight?
“Jaejoong…” Yunho starts.
“I’ll be fine,” Jaejoong cuts him off, keeping his head turned away so Yunho can’t see him crying like a baby again. “Thanks, Yunho. I won’t mess up again, I promise,” he says sincerely, if not a little stiffly in an attempt to hold back the tears.
Yunho looks at Jaejoong and then just smiles. “Okay,” he says.
“You ready then? Let’s go.”
Thankfully, in the flashing lights of the stage no one notices Jaejoong rub his sleeve once across his eyes.
^^^^^^^^^^
Of course Jaejoong isn’t kicked out of the group, but when he gets back to the apartment an hour later than the other members he still feels lower than dirt.
The president’s speech was as brief-and brutal-as always. It’s amazing how he managed to cut Jaejoong down to a quarter of his size with the few words he spoke.
At one point in his lecture the president pressed on Jaejoong’s deepest fear, making a point to emphasize the singer’s shaky position in the group so he had no doubt what the man meant. He might as well have flat out declared, ‘If you screw up any more, you’re out.’ And of course, Jaejoong groveled even more after that.
Changmin must have been lingering near the door because just as Jaejoong gets his key in the hole the door opens.
"Hyung, how’d it go? Are you alive?” Changmin says.
At times like this Jaejoong realizes again as smart as Changmin is he’s still very young.
“Yes, I’m still alive, as you can see,” Jaejoong teases by motioning to his very “alive” body.
Changmin blushes. “You know that’s not what I…Aw, whatever, hyung!” Changmin marches off like he’s annoyed, but he’s smiling as he goes. Jaejoong sighs in relief and closes the door behind him.
Jaejoong waves by Yoochun and Junsu bunched together on the couch, and calls back “Shower!” in reply to their questions. He doesn’t want to talk. He just wants to get to bed as soon as possible so this day will finally end. Unfortunately, he runs into Yunho who must have heard him arrive and is just leaving his room.
Yunho takes one look at his weary face and steps aside.
“Talk later?” he murmurs as Jaejoong moves by. Jaejoong nods and silently thanks god that Yunho has learned by now that being a leader doesn’t mean having to know everything about the other members. A couple years ago, Yunho would have tried to pull him aside and force a confession out of him.
Jaejoong goes to bed frighteningly early for the second night in a row. Like the former night, he stays awake for hours, staring at the backs of his eyelids and watching the day’s events replay like some horror flick’s eternal rerun. When he does finally fall asleep, exhausted, he dreams of singing monsters, roiling fire and the endless screech of nails against a chalkboard. If he remembers any of it in the morning he’d never want to go back to sleep again.
^^^^^^^^^
One day, the worst finally happens.
Jaejoong wakes up one morning and finds his voice is completely gone.
Next
Yunjae. PG-13. Word Count: 3150.
Jaejoong loses his voice.
“Higher, higher!”
There’s a crack of wood against wood that makes the room flinch.
“Hold it! Goddammit, when I say to go higher, you go higher!”
Jaejoong’s pleading voice. “But hyung-”
“Higher!”
Jaejoong looks like he’s about to cry, the members can tell by the way he’s pressing his lips together to keep it all in. Junsu and Yoochun stand awkwardly, glancing at each other as if they can’t tell whether they should jump in to Jaejoong’s defense or wait quietly. In the corner, Changmin’s head is dropped, like he’s the one being yelled at. Yunho is looking away too, but in anger, fists visibly clenched with the suppressed emotions he can’t release.
It’s not fair that Jaejoong’s always the one being pushed so hard. He may be the main vocal, but there are four other singers in the group.
Jaejoong attempts to sing the verse again, and at the instructor’s order, he takes it a whole octave higher. The members make pained faces when Jaejoong’s voice breaks again.
“Again!” the instructor roars, face purpled.
Even their group manager jumps in place, but he quickly composes himself. He has been watching against the door for a while, which is fitting-he keeps them from escaping.
"Hyung, please, Jaejoong has been practicing the part for an hour,” Junsu says beseechingly, but the instructor ignores him.
Jaejoong tries again, and manages to hold the note for a few good seconds before he suddenly collapses, holding his throat and coughing hoarsely. The other members rush to him worriedly.
“Jaejoong!”
"Hyung!"
“Jaejoong-hyung!”
Yunho was standing the closest, so he reaches Jaejoong first and steadies him with a careful hand.
“Hey, you okay? Jaejoong?”
Jaejoong manages a shaky nod, lips pursed together. His forehead is shining with sweat, and midnight black strands of hair are sticking to his face. He looks shaky and pale, and the way he’s holding his throat makes Yunho’s temper flare.
“God, not again. Alright, I give up. We’ll end the session for today then. Come back tomorrow when you’re actually ready to sing your part.” The instructor spits the last bit at Jaejoong, but for Yunho it’s the last straw.
Leaving Changmin to hold onto the limp Jaejoong, Yunho marches up to the instructor. Out the corner of his eye, he sees their manager straighten in alarm.
"Hyung, wait a moment. Jaejoong…Jaejoong’s been working really hard to get this part right for you. I don’t think it’s fair that you’ve been pushing him so much,” Yunho says as respectfully as he can, though he can’t completely hold back the stony anger from his face.
The instructor looks surprised, and then quickly affronted. “What? Don’t be ridiculous, Yunho. It’s my job to push you boys to become better. What do you think I do this for? For fun?”
“But still,” Yunho insists, “Jaejoong’s having a lot of trouble. Couldn’t you take it a bit easier on him?”
“Easier?” The man repeats, and then scoffs. When Yunho’s stony expression doesn’t change, the instructor huffs and says, “Fine.” He looks around Yunho at where Jaejoong is still on the ground. “You! If you can’t handle singing your parts, then I’ll just have someone else sing them. Junsu!” he barks, and Junsu jumps in place.
“Y-yes!”
“Can you sing this part?”
Junsu looks guiltily at Jaejoong before he nods and mumbles, “Yes.”
“Good. Then we’ll have you practice it tomorrow.” The instructor looks satisfied, and he pats Junsu on the back as passes by to pick his bag off the table.
“Now that that’s settled, we will finish the recording after another practice tomorrow. Be here at nine-o-clock sharp. Dismissed!”
“Have a good day,” the manager bows as the instructor departs.
When the doors finally shut behind him, the members turn back to Jaejoong. Changmin looks shocked, and his hand shakes just the slightest as he places it on Jaejoong’s shoulder.
"Hyung."
Jaejoong doesn’t look up from his arms. He has folded up his legs against his body, and inside the cocoon, he’s still holding his throat tightly.
The manager looks awkwardly at the group (barely even glancing down at Jaejoong’s curled up form) and opens the door again.
“I’ll be getting the van ready,” he says with his face half-turned away, “Don’t take too long.”
When he leaves, the room falls silent.
“Come on, let’s just go home,” Yoochun says. He picks up his bag and (after a slight pause) Jaejoong’s bag, and throws them over his shoulder.
All of them are startled when a loud bang hits the room. Yunho is breathing heavily and holding his raw right fist and the work table is vibrating with the force of his punch.
“Yunho-hyung." Junsu breathes.
“I hate them,” Yunho says lowly, “Both of them. It’s always like this, and Jaejoong probably won’t be able to even speak for the rest of the day because of him.”
“I know, but what can we do?” Yoochun says bitterly, “It’s not like we have any power against the instructor, and manager-hyung does nothing…as usual.”
Yunho whirls around. “So does that mean we should do nothing??”
“No, of course not. But-,” Yoochun retorts, but then falters and goes silent.
“Dammit, dammit, dammit!” Yunho starts to pace like he does when he’s really angry.
Junsu glances worriedly back at the still silent Jaejoong before he turns to Yoochun, “I agree with Yunho. We have to do something. We can’t keep doing this every time we have a new song. Jaejoong-hyung can’t keep doing this.”
Since the beginning of their debut, Jaejoong has been assigned as their lead vocal, so he usually has the most difficult singing parts. He has endured the responsibility for the most part, but as the number of songs increased with their rising popularity, Jaejoong has been put under more and more pressure. Technically speaking, Jaejoong has the best voice control in the group, but Changmin has the most strength, and Junsu the best combination of control and strength. Jaejoong’s voice, which already isn’t as strong as it should be, is weak in high parts since his naturally husky voice is unsuited for them. But just being able to sing high notes doesn’t make a good singer. Jaejoong was picked as their lead vocal for a reason-a reason that their instructor seems to forget these days as he forces Jaejoong’s voice to its limit.
“Again, I know,” Yoochun groans tiredly as he balls his fists into his eyes, “But what do we do? There’s nothing we can do. Instructor-hyung reports directly to the head, and he’s got manager-hyung on his side. We try anything, and it’s our word against theirs. Hell!” He snaps the last part in English.
This time was worse than usual, although they could remember plenty of incidents that were just as bad. A mistake in scheduling had gotten their usual rehearsal pushed to the end of the day, after the group had already tired themselves out singing at a live show, which was why Jaejoong had more trouble than usual bringing enough strength into his voice. It didn’t help that their instructor was in a bullying mood that night and focused completely on forcing Jaejoong to sing himself ragged.
Changmin is still very carefully stroking Jaejoong’s hair as he watches his agitated hyungs. Under his hand, he feels Jaejoong move and he freezes. "Hyung?”
Jaejoong raises his head slowly, revealing red but dry eyes.
The rest of the members stop, although Yunho doesn’t stop pacing until Jaejoong finally calls out to him.
“Yunho, stop,” Jaejoong croaks.
Yunho is breathing heavily, and he doesn’t look any calmer than before but he stops pacing.
“Your voice,” Junsu starts, but Jaejoong interrupts.
He does well at keeping the pain off his face as he croaks, “Let’s just…go home. I’m tired.”
“Yeah, yeah, let’s go,” Changmin agrees, and he looks at his hyungs pleadingly, “Let’s just go, huh? Let’s go home.” Yunho looks like he wants to say something but Yoochun is already pulling him away and Junsu goes over to help Jaejoong up with Changmin.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Jaejoong keeps saying but he almost stumbles into Junsu since his legs are weak from being folded up so tightly and then Changmin refuses to let go of Jaejoong’s arm.
“Stop speaking. You’ll just aggravate your throat,” the youngest orders as he wraps Jaejoong’s arm around his shoulder like he hurt his legs and not his voice. Like this, Changmin practically carries Jaejoong out the door and Junsu can’t help but smile despite the situation as he follows them out.
Yoochun and Yunho are already in the van, and when the trio get to it Yunho looks a bit better but his lips still thin when he sees Jaejoong weakly drop into his seat.
The manager is sitting in the front with the driver and looks straight ahead like there’s something fascinating in the road before them. The driver worriedly glances back through the rearview mirror, trying to catch one of their eyes.
Yunho takes a deep breath and doesn’t say a word. Neither do any of the others.
Jaejoong leans his head against the side window and watches the buildings pass by in a blur.
The ride home is silent.
^^^^^^^^^
Jaejoong wonders that night, when he’s retreated into his bed hours earlier than the others would even think of going to sleep, when singing became such a chore.
He thinks back to the old days when he had fun singing with everyone else. They seem so far away now.
Jaejoong realizes then that his hand is raised toward the ceiling, palm bared, as if reaching for something, and that it has been raised for a while now. He quickly lowers it and thinks self-consciously to himself that he’s a kid still.
^^^^^^^^^
As they troop off stage, the first thing Yoochun does is give Jaejoong a brief but tight hug. Behind them, fans roar their approval but for once it isn’t fan service. Yoochun keeps Jaejoong close with what others would pass off as a casual arm across the shoulders but his fingers press reassuringly into the top of his arm. “It’s okay. Hyung won’t be that mad,” Yoochun murmurs, but he’s being optimistic and they both know it.
Changmin glances worriedly at him and Yunho’s already walking in front of Jaejoong to shield him, but it’s no use. Their manager, who’s been waiting in the shadows offstage, swoops in and pulls Jaejoong out from their protective crowd.
“We have to talk. Now. Follow me,” the manager orders, but it’s not like Jaejoong can argue when the manager’s fingers are cuffed around his wrist. The man quickly drags him away before he realizes what a scene he’s making and lets go of Jaejoong. He flicks his head at them impatiently and the rest of the way to the room is spent with their heads down, not that anyone notices. The backstage is as busy as always and the music from the next performer is pumping so loud that the assistants have to yell to hear each other. In the dim light, Jaejoong stands out like a ghost with his pale skin. Changmin, who’s walking close to his left, notices how the older singer is rubbing at his wrist and bites his lip.
As soon as the door shuts out any outside observers the manager turns on him.
“Do you know what you’ve done?” he hisses and Jaejoong flinches as if he’s been struck. The others still and watch with wide eyes.
“I’m sorry, hyung." Jaejoong says, head hung.
“Do you know what you’ve DONE?”
Jaejoong takes a deep, shuddering breath and tries not to wince when his voice shakes embarrassingly. He keeps his head down because he knows better than to look straight at the manager; that’ll just make the man madder.
“I messed up. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Jaejoong pleads.
“Damn straight, you messed up! You cracked on LIVE television! In front of the entire nation! Do you know how embarrassing that is for the company? All that practice, down the drain! How do you think we’re going to explain why our so-called lead vocalist of our renowned acapella group broke so obviously on stage?”
The manager gestures wildly as he yells and he looks so much like he’s about to hit something that Junsu quickly flies forward despite himself.
"Hyung, please. Jaejoong-hyung was just tired from that show we did earlier today. Please don’t blame him so much,” Junsu persuades.
“But this-! The other mistakes were small; those could be ignored. But this…this…!” The manager looks overwhelmed, and he leans against the back of a couch for support, deflated.
“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry,” Jaejoong murmurs again, bowing so much that it looks like he’ll fall over. Underneath the curtain of his hair tears are streaking silently across his face.
The manager sighs and rubs a hand over his face, looking much older all of a sudden. Finally he announces, “The president wants to speak to you, in person.”
As a group the members silently gasp. The president only meets them in person when they really screw up, otherwise they would receive a strict phone call. The manager’s words are like a death sentence.
“Prepare yourself. I’m supposed to take you to him as soon as we finish tonight.”
After that, Jaejoong doesn’t remember much. He’s in a daze for the rest of the night, worrying sick over what to say when he meets the head of the company.
He made a huge mistake this time. His voice cracked on live television, and Changmin-their youngest; the magnae-had to rescue him. When Jaejoong’s voice cut off in the middle of his solo, Changmin quickly jumped in the next second and finished the part, and this would have all well and fine if it hadn’t happened on live television.
How embarrassing, Jaejoong realizes vaguely. The oldest member having to be saved by the youngest. He can understand why their manager is so angry with him. The president probably wants to meet him in person so he can kick Jaejoong out the group. It would make it more official if he told Jaejoong in person, ‘You’re out of the group. Pack your bags and leave by the next morning. You never had the talent to keep up with the rest of the members.’
“Don’t fret so much,” Junsu says as he pulls up alongside Jaejoong and gives his shoulder a reassuring squeeze, much like Yoochun did earlier. They’re heading back to the stage for their second performance and Jaejoong’s fallen behind the group while he was lost in his thoughts.
“Hey, you two! Hurry up!” Yunho calls from ahead.
“Let’s go,” Junsu urges, and Jaejoong shakes his head to clear it and quickly follows Junsu to the stage. He can’t afford to make another mistake tonight.
The others are waiting because they always go on stage in a group. Jaejoong shouldn’t be so surprised by the quiet “Let’s go, hyung,” Changmin murmurs, Junsu’s lingering pat on his back, or the casual punch to the arm from Yoochun who looks at him so meaningfully that it becomes not so casual after all, but he is, and by the time Yunho is holding him back from going onstage with what sounds like the start to an inspiring leader-like speech his eyes have started to sting in a very familiar way. How many times is he going to end up crying in front of everyone tonight?
“Jaejoong…” Yunho starts.
“I’ll be fine,” Jaejoong cuts him off, keeping his head turned away so Yunho can’t see him crying like a baby again. “Thanks, Yunho. I won’t mess up again, I promise,” he says sincerely, if not a little stiffly in an attempt to hold back the tears.
Yunho looks at Jaejoong and then just smiles. “Okay,” he says.
“You ready then? Let’s go.”
Thankfully, in the flashing lights of the stage no one notices Jaejoong rub his sleeve once across his eyes.
^^^^^^^^^^
Of course Jaejoong isn’t kicked out of the group, but when he gets back to the apartment an hour later than the other members he still feels lower than dirt.
The president’s speech was as brief-and brutal-as always. It’s amazing how he managed to cut Jaejoong down to a quarter of his size with the few words he spoke.
At one point in his lecture the president pressed on Jaejoong’s deepest fear, making a point to emphasize the singer’s shaky position in the group so he had no doubt what the man meant. He might as well have flat out declared, ‘If you screw up any more, you’re out.’ And of course, Jaejoong groveled even more after that.
Changmin must have been lingering near the door because just as Jaejoong gets his key in the hole the door opens.
"Hyung, how’d it go? Are you alive?” Changmin says.
At times like this Jaejoong realizes again as smart as Changmin is he’s still very young.
“Yes, I’m still alive, as you can see,” Jaejoong teases by motioning to his very “alive” body.
Changmin blushes. “You know that’s not what I…Aw, whatever, hyung!” Changmin marches off like he’s annoyed, but he’s smiling as he goes. Jaejoong sighs in relief and closes the door behind him.
Jaejoong waves by Yoochun and Junsu bunched together on the couch, and calls back “Shower!” in reply to their questions. He doesn’t want to talk. He just wants to get to bed as soon as possible so this day will finally end. Unfortunately, he runs into Yunho who must have heard him arrive and is just leaving his room.
Yunho takes one look at his weary face and steps aside.
“Talk later?” he murmurs as Jaejoong moves by. Jaejoong nods and silently thanks god that Yunho has learned by now that being a leader doesn’t mean having to know everything about the other members. A couple years ago, Yunho would have tried to pull him aside and force a confession out of him.
Jaejoong goes to bed frighteningly early for the second night in a row. Like the former night, he stays awake for hours, staring at the backs of his eyelids and watching the day’s events replay like some horror flick’s eternal rerun. When he does finally fall asleep, exhausted, he dreams of singing monsters, roiling fire and the endless screech of nails against a chalkboard. If he remembers any of it in the morning he’d never want to go back to sleep again.
^^^^^^^^^
One day, the worst finally happens.
Jaejoong wakes up one morning and finds his voice is completely gone.
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