Part 12: June 9 - June 10, 2014
Note: Sorry for the delay! Art in this section by 0kiwi0 and shigai.
June 09, 2014, 11:38 AM, Seoul
Yunho is bored. Really, really bored. Junsu left early this morning for a meeting with his managers, the single release less than a month away now, and Changmin went to class a couple of hours ago. Which leaves him all alone at home on his day off, with nothing to do. He thinks about going to the gym or the studio for a while, but Junsu'd said he'd have the afternoon free, and they haven't had much time together in the last couple of months; Yunho doesn't want to miss this chance. So he lounges on the couch, trying to concentrate on a book, but not really getting very far.
He looks up half an hour later when he hears the doorbell, and he's about to get off the couch when the knocking and telltale rustle of keys follows. It's Junsu, he knows, with that tendency to announce his arrival as many ways as possible. Junsu says it's so the burglars know he's coming and have the time to run away. It's very possible that he's just a coward, though.
"Hyung! I'm home!" Junsu walks through the door and leaves his shoes haphazardly in the foyer. Luckily Changmin's not home to murder him for it, Yunho thinks, watching. "Meeting's done early. Bought a couple essentials!" That'd be milk, cereal, instant ramen, and a dozen boxes of chips and frozen dinners. They really need to fix their eating habits before Jaejoong decides to murder Yunho on grounds of child neglect.
"It's a miracle!" Yunho calls back, dropping his book on the side table gratefully.
"Nah, apparently I complain like manager-hyung's teenage daughter," Junsu grins. He drops an apple on Yunho's lap as he makes his way towards the kitchen.
Yunho laughs, peeling the sticker off the apple. "You complain more than any teenage girl," he teases, hanging his head upside down over the arm of the couch to keep watching Junsu.
"It's a useful skill!" Junsu replies. His back is covering most of the fridge but Yunho knows he's just shoving things wherever they fit. Yunho reminds himself to fix the arrangement before Changmin gets back.
"I'm bored, Junsu-yah." Yunho practices his own whining skills a bit. "Got any ideas?" He crunches into the apple, humming a little at the crisp sweetness.
"The crazy kind or the normal kind?"
"Any kind. I'm dying here!" Yunho does his best to look like he's wilting.
Junsu narrows his eyes. "If that's a new dance move, I'm gonna ask manager-hyung to hire another choreographer."
"Hey!" Yunho protests, sitting up enough to point an accusing finger at Junsu. "Stop taking lessons from Changmin!"
"Nahhh. He's right. It's too much fun." Junsu's laughter is loud as he makes his way to the couch and sits down beside Yunho before stealing his apple.
Yunho doesn't bother protesting. "Speaking of Changmin," he says slowly, an idea coming to him. Junsu just looks at him, too busy scarfing down what's left of his apple. Yunho rolls his eyes a little, stretching out his feet into Junsu's lap. "We could go bother him. Should be lunchtime soon."
"That... sounds good, actually." Junsu swallows and reaches over Yunho's head to deposit the apple core in the trashcan. "I've never seen his school, either."
"Me neither," Yunho says, snagging Junsu's hand on it's way past so he can play with it. "Wanna go?"
Junsu scratches Yunho's palm with a finger. "We can surprise him."
Yunho curls his hand around Junsu's finger, tugging gently. "You get to stand closest," he grins, to which Junsu snorts.
"He wouldn't dare. I'm an important person, now!"
"So modest," Yunho says, laughing as he wriggles his toes against Junsu's thigh. "Let's go."
**
**
June 09, 2014, 1:01 PM, Seoul
Class ends, and Changmin takes time to stretch luxuriously before actually getting up. It's nearly lunchtime now, and his stomach's been rumbling for the past hour and half. After his muscles decide that he's forgiven for keeping them in that uncomfortable position for so long, Changmin gathers his things, slings his bag over his shoulder and heads for the cafeteria.
The cafeteria's not so crowded today, most students preferring to eat off-campus, so once he's got his food, Changmin finds a table next to the huge windows for maximum sunlight and warmth. Ignoring his laptop (and the three essays he should really be working on) for the moment, Changmin plugs in his earbuds and sets his iPod to shuffle, then gets to work on easing his tortured stomach.
Then his ass begins to vibrate. "Aish," Changmin mutters, pulling out his earbuds with one hand and fishing his phone out of his pocket with the other. It takes a few tries - he blames it on the skinny jeans - but he manages. Even though he can't tell who it is via ringtone, there's really only a handful of people who would call him around lunch, so he answers with a flat, "What."
"Is that any way to greet your hyung!" Junsu replies, and would have succeeded in sounding scandalized were it not for the laughter in his voice. "Hey, so where are you."
Changmin decides to ignore the first bit and considers ignoring the second bit as well, but thinks better of it. "Why?" he asks around a french fry. He glances at his burger longingly, but he'll need two hands for that.
"Just because!" Junsu chirps. In the background, Changmin can hear Yunho talking, but can't quite make out what he's saying. "Where are youuuuuuu, Changmiiiiin?" Changmin nibbles on a french fry, staying silent just to make Junsu squirm. "Hey, are you there?!"
"Mhmm," Changmin replies noncommittally, sucking salt from his fingertip. "Hyung, look at the time. Then use what little logic you have to figure it out for yourself." He reaches for another fry, then adds on afterthought, "Get Yunho to help you."
Yunho's laughter follows, and Changmin grins, realizing Junsu's got the phone on speaker. "You suck," Junsu says over Yunho. "Lunchtime!" Yunho says a second later.
"Bingo," Changmin says. "I have a very tasty-looking burger in front of me and you're keeping me from it. BYE." Junsu's spluttering is the last thing he hears before he flips his phone shut.
He gets a blissful ten minutes of peace, and food, nodding his head absently along to his music. He's just finishing his burger when there's a shout from behind him: "Changmin-ah!" Changmin turns around and gets an eyeful of Junsu in oversized sunglasses and a beanie pulled conspicuously low, a laughing Yunho behind him, before he's nearly knocked off his chair by a Junsu-missile.
His response to this, of course, is a muffled "Aish!" that just makes Yunho laugh even harder as he makes his way over. "What the hell, hyung?" Changmin says after Junsu lets him go. "Also, you look like a hobo."
"Whatever." Junsu wrinkles his nose and sticks his tongue out, before breaking into his distinctive laugh. Changmin sighs and remembers why the fans always seemed to spot them quicker with Junsu around. Junsu steals Changmin's french fry and sits across from him, while Yunho slides into the seat next to Changmin.
"I told him he looked like a hobo already," Yunho says in a stage-whisper. "I think he thinks it's an advantage."
Changmin laughs around a french fry as Junsu harrumphs indignantly, retorting with: "I'm The Elusive Hobo, thank you very much."
"I don't think that word means what you think it means," Changmin says. Several tables full of girls seem to be paying much more attention to them now. "People are staring. Might as well take off your costume."
"Nah. That's just giving them a green light to approach us. And I want to steal your food in peace." Junsu demonstrates it by stealing another french fry from the one plate on their table--Changmin's. Yunho reaches across to copy Junsu, and gets swatted for his trouble.
"Freeloaders," Changmin mock-scowls. "Didn't you already get fed, Junsu-hyung?"
Junsu flashes him a bright grin. "They gave me a soggy bento for lunch so I threw tantrums and pestered manager-hyung into letting me out early."
"Whined like a teenage girl," Yunho adds to Changmin.
Changmin laughs and says, "Awww, poor Junsu," then gives him a fry, to be nice just this once. Junsu bites into the treat happily and Changmin could swear he's wagging an invisible tail.
"Don't I get a fry?" Yunho asks, pouting, and Changmin's always been hopeless at resisting, though he'd never tell anyone. Satisfied, Yunho chews his french fry with a tiny grin.
"Don't go getting spoiled on me, now," Changmin says, popping two fries into his mouth. "What are you doing here, anyway?"
"We thought we'd keep you company and have lunch with you. Do you always eat alone?" Junsu takes his eyes off the food vendors and pokes Changmin's arm.
"For the most part, yes," Changmin answers, slapping Junsu's finger before it can get away completely. While he's preoccupied with Junsu, Yunho steals a fry, but Changmin chooses to ignore it for now. "The ex-pop star thing hasn't worn off yet. There are a few people who are sane enough to talk to, but I prefer to just eat alone."
"I'm not sure if that was an insult or a compliment," Yunho says thoughtfully.
"It was completely an insult," Changmin deadpans, at the same time that Junsu snorts: "From Changmin, really?"
"Mm, but yeah, I know what you mean," Junsu continues as he steals Changmin's soda, now. "It feels a bit weird hanging out with other people that aren't you guys. There's this trainee, though! She's pretty nice."
"Oh?" Changmin says, eyebrows raised and grin in place.
"Yeah! She's gonna be in my next music video." Junsu grins back, oblivious. "She dances pretty damn well. She makes great ddeokbokki, too--she brought me a box the other day."
"Really?" Yunho asks, in a tone Changmin finds too casual to really believe.
Changmin leans forward again, taking back his soda. "Is she pretty?"
Junsu, of course, remains oblivious. "Hmm... Okay, I guess. She looks a bit like Boa-sshi?"
Changmin snickers. "Does hyung have a crush?"
Junsu blinks. "I what?" He sounds more surprised about it than anyone else. "I, um. I don't know... I never... thought about it, I guess. I mean. Uh."
Changmin glances over at Yunho to see him with a familiar fond smile on his face. "Look, Yunho-hyung, isn't he blushing so cutely?" he says, nudging Yunho's arm.
Yunho chuckles, tilting his head in consideration. "Very cute," he says in agreement.
"Hey!" Junsu reaches across the table and swats Changmin's arm. "Stop that! I'm not cute! She is!" he protests.
Changmin laughs at the opening that Junsu's given him so easily. "Cute means you like her," he sing-songs, slumping to the side to rest his head on Yunho's shoulder and earning himself an arm around the shoulders in response, as well as a hum of agreement.
"Well, I like you and you're the furthest thing from cute!"
"Hey," Changmin says, "don't think I can't make you throw back up all those french fries you stole."
Yunho says, "Sharing is caring," with a grin.
"We came in to brighten your day!" Junsu says with a huff. "Food is just an added benefit. Are you saying food is more important than your hyung-deul? Huh? Shim Changmin!" Junsu points a french fry at him and Changmin wonders if it's too late to pretend that he doesn't know them. "I'm gonna tell on you to Jaejoong-hyung and Yoochunnie!"
"My day was bright enough before you turned up," Changmin grumbles, but he can feel the corners of his mouth twitching.
Clearly, Yunho's decided it's time for a change of subject. "So when's your next class?" he asks, fingers stroking Changmin's shoulder in a way Changmin knows is completely unconscious, and so kind of charming.
Changmin looks at his watch and startles a bit at how late it is. "10 minutes!" he says, and starts shoveling down the rest of his food before it gets stolen. Junsu sighs. He fishes out his cellphone before putting his butt on the table.
"Junsuyah, what--"
"I don't think this table can handle your weight."
"Shut up! Now smile because I'm going to send this to Jaejoong and Yoochun and they're going to regret not coming back sooner!" Junsu gives them approximately two seconds before the his phone makes a clicking sound. Changmin just hopes they don't look too crazy. Then he looks at Yunho, who's had just enough time to paste on a demented grin and stick bunny ears over Changmin's head, and gives up hope.
**
**
Package of LOVE AND SURVIVAL:
**
**
June 09, 2014, 11:24 PM, Mormontopia Salt Lake City, UT
"What sucks," Jaejoong says, sitting cross-legged on the hotel carpet and stubbornly trying to maneuver the scissors in a straight line, "I mean, what really sucks, is how the Great Salt Lake isn't actually great. It's like, mediocre. It's kind of lame. It's the Lame Salt Lake."
"Will you watch where you're cutting? You're gonna take off Yoona's head," Yoochun says, though strangely, his finger is pointing to her chest instead. Jaejoong doesn't care what Yoochun wants unless he's ranting about how lametastic the lake is too. "And I guess. It's just a lake."
Jaejoong waves Yoona's picture around because it seems like the only way to keep Yoochun's attention. "It's not even a lake!" he continues, waving the scissors around too. "It's like, it's like God just spilled a bunch of salt while he was making eggs and couldn't be bothered to clean it up. It's like the Slinky of American landmarks. Total mistake invention, and only entertaining for the first few seconds."
"I'm really glad we got the safety scissors for you," Yoochun says, backing up a little anyway. His eyes still follow Yoona in the air. Jaejoong doesn't know if he should feel jealous. "It's worse than a Slinky, if you think about it. I mean, it can't go down stairs by itself or make that cool shooooop Slinky noise."
"It's worse than a Slinky," Jaejoong agrees after some thought, a little pityingly because that's the lowest of all lows. He goes back to trying not to decapitate Yoona's picture.
Yoochun reaches over with a noise much too strained for how old he really is and grabs his can of beer. Finishing it off, he stares at it for a bit then says, "Hey hyung, have you ever crushed one of these against your head before? Is that actually possible?"
Jaejoong is tipsy enough to think that's an awesome idea. "I double dog dare you to find out," he says cheerfully.
Yoochun sighs at him loudly. "You know, just because I have a big forehead doesn't mean I always have to do these sorts of things!"
"I'll trade you Son Dambi if you crush a beer can against your head," Jaejoong offers. Yoochun's eyes narrow.
"...And you give Yoona a gazillion points."
"I can't fit that many zeros on the card!"
"Scientific notation, oh my god," Yoochun says, giving him the Duh Face. Jaejoong stares back blankly.
"If I'd known you were secretly Changmin, I would've left you in Idaho."
For a second Yoochun's bottom lip juts out petulantly, but then he just says, "I'm going to crush this on your head. Give Yoona a gazillion points!"
A gazillion is way too close to infinity and Jaejoong is determined to have Boa be the Head Bitch In Charge. He shakes his head fiercely. "9000."
Yoochun looks like he's thinking about it. "Is that still the highest?"
"Uh huh." Jaejoong lies better when he's drunk.
"Okay, fine," Yoochun says, then spins the beer can between his hands, moving it nowhere near his forehead. Jaejoong thinks Yoochun had better not be chickening out. "So how about that weather today..."
Jaejoong puts on what he hopes is his best frown, full of threatening grade school peer pressure. His finger may or may not wobble a little as he points it at Yoochun's face. "Park Yoochun, crush the beer can against your head."
"You're the worst hyung ever!" Yoochun says, huffing like a four year old. "What if I get brain damage? How are you going to explain that to Yunho-hyung, or worse, my mother."
Jaejoong can't help answering: "Don't you mean your mother, or worse, Yunho-hyung?"
"Fuck you, my mommy loves me."
"Has she told you that lately?"
Yoochun pouts. "I called her yesterday in fact, and she said she loved me." He digs out his phone, mumbling, "And you know what, I'm going to text her right now and tell her how much I love her and how she's the best mom ever and she's going to text back and tell me she loves me and I'm the best son ever and do you know what that means?" There's a dramatic pause while Yoochun raises his phone in the air and towards the window, clearly waiting for the message to send. After it beeps in confirmation, he uses it to point at Jaejoong's face. "It means my mommy has told me she loves me more recently than yours has told you. So, ha."
That is just unacceptable, and Jaejoong fishes blindly for his own phone. "Yeah, well, I'm gonna text my mom, and then I'm gonna text my other mom, and do you know what that means?" He stabs at the number pad, continuing, "It means two moms love me and think I'm the best son ever and that beats you by a thousand." A thousand what, he isn't sure.
Sputtering, Yoochun flips his phone open again and starts typing again, though not nearly as fast as Jaejoong. "Well, I'm texting my grandma now to tell her she should name a dish after me at her restaurant which means not only does she love me but so will everyone who orders my dish because it'll be so awesome and amazing and awesome so you can just suck it!"
Kim Jaejoong sucks nothing. He starts a new message right after he sends the previous, mashing at his phone fiercely. "I," he says, with great formidability, "am going to text my sisters."
"Fuck your sisters!" Yoochun says, then pauses for a moment before his entire being brightens. "Take this, Kim Jaejoong. I'm going to text my entire phone group of girls I've slept with since debut. Face the wrath of dual SIM cards."
Jaejoong recoils for all of five seconds before he remembers something very important about Yoochun's sleeping habits. "Best Friend Park Yoochun," he says gently, and reaches over to perform the Comforting Shoulder Pat, "most of those girls want you to choke on your own balls."
Yoochun's expression goes from elated to doom and gloom, and his shoulders sag. He looks up at Jaejoong, bottom lip sucked between his teeth. "There have to be at least eight who still find me irresistible, right?"
Jaejoong turns the Comforting Shoulder Pat into the There, There, Back Rub, because this conversation now suddenly requires a greater level of sensitivity. "That's eight out of a lot of girls."
Still pouting, Yoochun takes the cut-out picture of Yoona and stares at it longingly. "Yoona doesn't want me to choke on my own balls, does she?" The only move Jaejoong has left is Offer More Beer, which he performs spectacularly and Yoochun accepts with a smile. "Hey wait," he says, brow furrowing. "I never slept with Yoona. That was Jessica." Yoochun's morale gradually improves again. "Yoona always cockblocked me!" he says, looking at Jaejoong excitedly.
Jaejoong, however, is decidedly unexcited. "You slept with Jessica!" he cries, and gropes around for something to hit Yoochun with. Pillow? Scissors?
Yoochun's eyes widen, obviously realizing his mistake too late, and he starts scooting away on his butt, beer spilling onto his hand. "Hyung, it meant nothing! We were young and drunk and didn't know what we were doing. I bet she was thinking of you the whole time!"
Jaejoong settles for his own hand because he can't get his fingers through the scissor handle fast enough. He smacks repeatedly at Yoochun's thigh while his self-confidence and faith in humanity are shattered for at least a few minutes. "Jessica!" he whines. "Jessica my-heterosexual-soulmate-for-three-months-and-a-day! Shy-sarcastic-perfect Jessica! Eternally-stuck-with-her-at-first-base Jessica!"
Yoochun winces and cries out in pain, trying to shove Jaejoong away but to no avail. "That clearly means she respects you more than she does me though I would recommend giving her at least five shots of tequila if you want to hit a home run so badly can you stop hitting me now!"
Jaejoong stops hitting Yoochun to mull over the new information. Maybe he could call up Jessica once he got home and buy her lots of expensive tequila and then she'd respect him at the level she respected Yoochun and he'd rent a white stallion and they could ride down the Gyeongbu Expressway together. She'd probably steer. Jaejoong slaps Yoochun's leg again one more time before backing off. "That's for not telling me earlier."
Yoochun rubs at his leg. "Well, she was kind of a lousy lay so I didn't think it mattered," he mumbles, then slaps a hand over his mouth a second later.
Jaejoong looks at Yoochun for a long, long time, and then calmly picks up the scissors.
**
**
Left on the apartment's answering machine:
Tues, June 10, 2:42 AM, Salt Lake City; Tues, June 10, 5:42 PM, Seoul
Hi this is Junsu Yoochun Jaejoong Changmin Yunho and we're not here right now -- or we're busy -- right, or we're busy -- or we're getting laid -- or Yoochun's getting laid -- or we just don't want to talk to you -- or we just don't want to -- no, we want to talk to you we just can't come to the phone right now so leave a message and we'll call you back! ... I think we should do that again because Yoochun never gets laid and I don't believe in lying. Shut up I always get laid. Oh my god, can we go to the beep? How do we go to the beep? Just hang up. Are you sure? No. Well if you're not sure I don't want to hang up! Just hang up! I'm not hanging up! Hang up the phone dammit -- let go of my neck -- jesus christ did you rubber cement this on? nggggghhLETGOOFMYNE-- *BEEP*
Yoochun: JAEJOONG-HYUNG IS TRYING TO MURDER ME WITH THE PRESCHOOL SCISSORS. SEND HELP. SEND THE FBI. AND THE CIA. AND THE NSA. AND THE NAACP.
Jaejoong: Goddd Yoochun that was so three hours ago.
Yoochun: HE CUT OFF A PART OF MY HAIR. I LOOK LIKE A FREAK. YUNHO-HYUNG. YUNHO. HYUNG. YOU CAN'T LET THIS GO ON.
Jaejoong: It's an improvement and anyway that's not why we're calling, we're calling because Yunho you need to tell Yoochun that I have dibs on Boa. I've had dibs on Boa since I was IN THE WOMB.
Yoochun: God you are so delusional. It's obvious she loves me best and you're just jealous like a jealous thing. Don't worry, when we go on our honeymoon we'll send you a postcard.
Jaejoong: (snaps scissors) Don't worry, when I cut off your sexual organs and feed them to ravenous goats at least you can be happy that Boa's with me and we were made for each other and she cherishes me forever and our babies are beautiful.
Yoochun: Put that shit away! (scuffling) And she would never go for that because she wouldn't want children who can't dance!
Jaejoong: Oh, fuck you, Park Yoochun, I challenge you to a dance-off!
Yoochun: Fine. Bring it! (grunting and stumbling) I'm going to wipe the floor with your ass.
Jaejoong: I'm going to defeniferstrate you.
Yoochun: Not if my pelvic thrusts mastibicate you first!
(thirty seconds of swearing, panting, crashing, groaning, shouting, and possibly fire)
*BEEP*
**
Left on the apartment's answering machine:
Tues, June 10, 2:55 AM, Salt Lake City; Tues, June 10, 5:55 PM, Seoul
Hi this is Junsu Yoochun Jaejoong Changmin Yunho and we're not here right now -- or we're busy -- right, or we're busy -- or we're getting laid -- or Yoochun's getting laid -- or we just don't want to talk to you -- or we just don't want to -- no, we want to talk to you we just can't come to the phone right now so leave a message and we'll call you back! ... I think we should do that again because Yoochun never gets laid and I don't believe in lying. Shut up I always get laid. Oh my god, can we go to the beep? How do we go to the beep? Just hang up. Are you sure? No. Well if you're not sure I don't want to hang up! Just hang up! I'm not hanging up! Hang up the phone dammit -- let go of my neck -- jesus christ did you rubber cement this on? nggggghhLETGOOFMYNE-- *BEEP*
Jaejoong: Hiiiiiiiiiii I wonnnnnnn.
Yoochun: You did not win. You tried to bite at my crotch when I was doing my pelvic thrust marathon of awesome in your face.
Jaejoong: How do you know that wasn't just one of my own dance moves!
Yoochun: (silence) ... Yunho-hyung tell him crotch-biting is not a legitimate dance move. TELL HIM I'M THE REAL WINNER.
Jaejoong: I WAS THE LAST MAN STANDING.
Yoochun: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU KICKED ME IN THE SHINS YOU FUCKING CHEATER AND UNWORTHY POTENTIAL FUTURE HUSBAND OF BOA.
Jaejoong: TAKE THAT BACK. TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW.
Yoochun: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CROTCH-BITER.
Jaejoong: THERE WAS BARELY ANYTHING TO BITE.
Yoochun: (sputtering) I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS A LOT TO BITE. CERTAINLY MORE THAN YOU.
Jaejoong: Pfffft.
Yoochun: You know it's true. AND THAT'S WHY BOA WILL BE MY FIRST WIFE. Because we'll have better sex.
Jaejoong: THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS PREMATURE.
Yoochun: GO TAKE SOME VIAGRA, GRAMPS.
Jaejoong: GO FIND SOME LITTLE BOYS ON THE BUS, SLEAZEBAG.
Yoochun: I AM NOT A PEDO! AND EVEN IF I WAS, I CAN STILL GET IT UP MORE THAN YOU!
Jaejoong: FOR LITTLE BOYS.
Yoochun: AND FOR BOA MY FUTURE WIFE NOT YOURS.
Jaejoong: I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF YOUR LIES.
Yoochun: YOU'RE SUCH A SELF-DELUDING LOSER.
Jaejoong: YOU'RE A TOTAL EUNUCH.
Yoochun: I'LL EUNUCH YOU, YOU BASTARD.
(thirty more seconds of swearing, panting, crashing, groaning, shouting, and possibly fire)
*BEEP*
**
Left on the apartment's answering machine:
Tues, June 10, 3:17 AM, Salt Lake City; Tues, June 10, 6:17 PM, Seoul
Hi this is Junsu Yoochun Jaejoong Changmin Yunho and we're not here right now -- or we're busy -- right, or we're busy -- or we're getting laid -- or Yoochun's getting laid -- or we just don't want to talk to you -- or we just don't want to -- no, we want to talk to you we just can't come to the phone right now so leave a message and we'll call you back! ... I think we should do that again because Yoochun never gets laid and I don't believe in lying. Shut up I always get laid. Oh my god, can we go to the beep? How do we go to the beep? Just hang up. Are you sure? No. Well if you're not sure I don't want to hang up! Just hang up! I'm not hanging up! Hang up the phone dammit -- let go of my neck -- jesus christ did you rubber cement this on? nggggghhLETGOOFMYNE-- *BEEP*
Jaejoong: (clears throat) So our hotel neighbors called security.
Yoochun: Only because Jaejoong-hyung hit his head against the wall and it reverberated through the entire building like a mini-earthquake.
Jaejoong: Stop confusing me with you.
Yoochun: Can't you just be a man and accept that you're no match for my bony elbows?
Jaejoong: Why can't you just eat some fucking cupcakes!
Yoochun: Because you never make fucking cupcakes!
Jaejoong: Jesus, fine, I'll make you some fucking cupcakes!
Yoochun: ... With extra rainbow sprinkles?
Jaejoong: (loud sigh) And extra extra chocolate icing.
Yoochun: Okay! And I promise to hand feed them to Boa with extra extra love.
Jaejoong: I am going to kill you.
Yoochun: Don't worry, I'll tell her you made them while she sucks the icing off my fingers.
Jaejoong: (deadly silence)
Yoochun: Maybe we'll even name our first son after you.
Jaejoong: Yoochun, I'm drunk enough to throw up, and when I throw up, I'm going to throw up on you.
Yoochun: Hyung, bulimia is not the answer.
Jaejoong: You just bring out the worst in me. Literally.
Yoochun: If you start upchucking, I'm grabbing Boa's pokecard and shoving it in front of your mouth.
Jaejoong: You're just the worst Mormon spouse ever.
Yoochun: God says he understands.
Jaejoong: God doesn't exist!
Yoochun: (giant blasphemous gasp) How dare you.
Jaejoong: (giggles) God doesn't exist.
Yoochun: You need to be exorcised. Where's the bottle of water I stole from the Salt Lake?
Jaejoong: Your god is a liiiie.
Yoochun: (sound of water hitting skin)
Jaejoong: (spluttering and other miscellaneous noises) Goddamnit I can't swim.
Yoochun: You should feel grateful that you get to drown in God's love.
Jaejoong: The lying love of a lying God.
Yoochun: Do I have to suffocate you with God's pillow?
Jaejoong: You're lying about that too.
Yoochun: You're right. I don't want my pillow to touch your face and then have to sleep on it.
Jaejoong: Lying liarface.
Yoochun: ... Wait if God's pillow is my pillow. Am I God?
Jaejoong: (revelatory) Whoa.
Yoochun: (scuffling and crashing noises) --I'm okay! DUDE BOA WOULD TOTALLY WANT TO DO IT WITH GOD!
Jaejoong: (hiccups) God sucks.
Yoochun: Don't talk about me like I'm not in the ro -- oh shit. (more crashing followed by distant retching sounds and Jaejoong's gleeful declaration of karma)
*BEEP*
**
From: leadersshi@gmail.com
To: "Liability 1" , "Liability 2"
Date: Tues, June 10, 2014 at 11:11 PM
Subject: You're paying the bills
When the hotel sues you for damages, I really hope you two don't expect us to help pick up the bill!
Yunho
**
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Tweedledumb" , "Tweedledee"
Date: Tues, June 10, 2014 at 11:13 PM
Subject: Don't play favorites.
Jaejoong-hyung owes me cupcakes when you get home. I want red velvet with vanilla cream cheese frosting and a little fondant heart on top.
Changmin
**
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Shining Star" , "OH YOOCHUN~"
Date: Tues, June 10, 2014 at 11:17 PM
Subject: Is it true? IS IT TRUE?
is yoochun:
a) partially bald, or,
b) an eunuch?
PICS OR GTFO.
<3
sususu.
**
From: boa.on.top@gmail.com
To: kjaejoong@gmail.com, virginiapark@gmail.com
Date: Tues, June 10, 2014 at 11:51 PM
Subject: (none)
Hey you two, Yunho called and told me about your catfight. I'm really flattered, guys, but I don't want to string you along or anything, so I should tell you that neither of you are my type, sorry. I like men.
Have fun in America! Take your time coming home. ^^ j/k. ♥
Love, Boa
June 09, 2014, 11:38 AM, Seoul
Yunho is bored. Really, really bored. Junsu left early this morning for a meeting with his managers, the single release less than a month away now, and Changmin went to class a couple of hours ago. Which leaves him all alone at home on his day off, with nothing to do. He thinks about going to the gym or the studio for a while, but Junsu'd said he'd have the afternoon free, and they haven't had much time together in the last couple of months; Yunho doesn't want to miss this chance. So he lounges on the couch, trying to concentrate on a book, but not really getting very far.
He looks up half an hour later when he hears the doorbell, and he's about to get off the couch when the knocking and telltale rustle of keys follows. It's Junsu, he knows, with that tendency to announce his arrival as many ways as possible. Junsu says it's so the burglars know he's coming and have the time to run away. It's very possible that he's just a coward, though.
"Hyung! I'm home!" Junsu walks through the door and leaves his shoes haphazardly in the foyer. Luckily Changmin's not home to murder him for it, Yunho thinks, watching. "Meeting's done early. Bought a couple essentials!" That'd be milk, cereal, instant ramen, and a dozen boxes of chips and frozen dinners. They really need to fix their eating habits before Jaejoong decides to murder Yunho on grounds of child neglect.
"It's a miracle!" Yunho calls back, dropping his book on the side table gratefully.
"Nah, apparently I complain like manager-hyung's teenage daughter," Junsu grins. He drops an apple on Yunho's lap as he makes his way towards the kitchen.
Yunho laughs, peeling the sticker off the apple. "You complain more than any teenage girl," he teases, hanging his head upside down over the arm of the couch to keep watching Junsu.
"It's a useful skill!" Junsu replies. His back is covering most of the fridge but Yunho knows he's just shoving things wherever they fit. Yunho reminds himself to fix the arrangement before Changmin gets back.
"I'm bored, Junsu-yah." Yunho practices his own whining skills a bit. "Got any ideas?" He crunches into the apple, humming a little at the crisp sweetness.
"The crazy kind or the normal kind?"
"Any kind. I'm dying here!" Yunho does his best to look like he's wilting.
Junsu narrows his eyes. "If that's a new dance move, I'm gonna ask manager-hyung to hire another choreographer."
"Hey!" Yunho protests, sitting up enough to point an accusing finger at Junsu. "Stop taking lessons from Changmin!"
"Nahhh. He's right. It's too much fun." Junsu's laughter is loud as he makes his way to the couch and sits down beside Yunho before stealing his apple.
Yunho doesn't bother protesting. "Speaking of Changmin," he says slowly, an idea coming to him. Junsu just looks at him, too busy scarfing down what's left of his apple. Yunho rolls his eyes a little, stretching out his feet into Junsu's lap. "We could go bother him. Should be lunchtime soon."
"That... sounds good, actually." Junsu swallows and reaches over Yunho's head to deposit the apple core in the trashcan. "I've never seen his school, either."
"Me neither," Yunho says, snagging Junsu's hand on it's way past so he can play with it. "Wanna go?"
Junsu scratches Yunho's palm with a finger. "We can surprise him."
Yunho curls his hand around Junsu's finger, tugging gently. "You get to stand closest," he grins, to which Junsu snorts.
"He wouldn't dare. I'm an important person, now!"
"So modest," Yunho says, laughing as he wriggles his toes against Junsu's thigh. "Let's go."
**
**
June 09, 2014, 1:01 PM, Seoul
Class ends, and Changmin takes time to stretch luxuriously before actually getting up. It's nearly lunchtime now, and his stomach's been rumbling for the past hour and half. After his muscles decide that he's forgiven for keeping them in that uncomfortable position for so long, Changmin gathers his things, slings his bag over his shoulder and heads for the cafeteria.
The cafeteria's not so crowded today, most students preferring to eat off-campus, so once he's got his food, Changmin finds a table next to the huge windows for maximum sunlight and warmth. Ignoring his laptop (and the three essays he should really be working on) for the moment, Changmin plugs in his earbuds and sets his iPod to shuffle, then gets to work on easing his tortured stomach.
Then his ass begins to vibrate. "Aish," Changmin mutters, pulling out his earbuds with one hand and fishing his phone out of his pocket with the other. It takes a few tries - he blames it on the skinny jeans - but he manages. Even though he can't tell who it is via ringtone, there's really only a handful of people who would call him around lunch, so he answers with a flat, "What."
"Is that any way to greet your hyung!" Junsu replies, and would have succeeded in sounding scandalized were it not for the laughter in his voice. "Hey, so where are you."
Changmin decides to ignore the first bit and considers ignoring the second bit as well, but thinks better of it. "Why?" he asks around a french fry. He glances at his burger longingly, but he'll need two hands for that.
"Just because!" Junsu chirps. In the background, Changmin can hear Yunho talking, but can't quite make out what he's saying. "Where are youuuuuuu, Changmiiiiin?" Changmin nibbles on a french fry, staying silent just to make Junsu squirm. "Hey, are you there?!"
"Mhmm," Changmin replies noncommittally, sucking salt from his fingertip. "Hyung, look at the time. Then use what little logic you have to figure it out for yourself." He reaches for another fry, then adds on afterthought, "Get Yunho to help you."
Yunho's laughter follows, and Changmin grins, realizing Junsu's got the phone on speaker. "You suck," Junsu says over Yunho. "Lunchtime!" Yunho says a second later.
"Bingo," Changmin says. "I have a very tasty-looking burger in front of me and you're keeping me from it. BYE." Junsu's spluttering is the last thing he hears before he flips his phone shut.
He gets a blissful ten minutes of peace, and food, nodding his head absently along to his music. He's just finishing his burger when there's a shout from behind him: "Changmin-ah!" Changmin turns around and gets an eyeful of Junsu in oversized sunglasses and a beanie pulled conspicuously low, a laughing Yunho behind him, before he's nearly knocked off his chair by a Junsu-missile.
His response to this, of course, is a muffled "Aish!" that just makes Yunho laugh even harder as he makes his way over. "What the hell, hyung?" Changmin says after Junsu lets him go. "Also, you look like a hobo."
"Whatever." Junsu wrinkles his nose and sticks his tongue out, before breaking into his distinctive laugh. Changmin sighs and remembers why the fans always seemed to spot them quicker with Junsu around. Junsu steals Changmin's french fry and sits across from him, while Yunho slides into the seat next to Changmin.
"I told him he looked like a hobo already," Yunho says in a stage-whisper. "I think he thinks it's an advantage."
Changmin laughs around a french fry as Junsu harrumphs indignantly, retorting with: "I'm The Elusive Hobo, thank you very much."
"I don't think that word means what you think it means," Changmin says. Several tables full of girls seem to be paying much more attention to them now. "People are staring. Might as well take off your costume."
"Nah. That's just giving them a green light to approach us. And I want to steal your food in peace." Junsu demonstrates it by stealing another french fry from the one plate on their table--Changmin's. Yunho reaches across to copy Junsu, and gets swatted for his trouble.
"Freeloaders," Changmin mock-scowls. "Didn't you already get fed, Junsu-hyung?"
Junsu flashes him a bright grin. "They gave me a soggy bento for lunch so I threw tantrums and pestered manager-hyung into letting me out early."
"Whined like a teenage girl," Yunho adds to Changmin.
Changmin laughs and says, "Awww, poor Junsu," then gives him a fry, to be nice just this once. Junsu bites into the treat happily and Changmin could swear he's wagging an invisible tail.
"Don't I get a fry?" Yunho asks, pouting, and Changmin's always been hopeless at resisting, though he'd never tell anyone. Satisfied, Yunho chews his french fry with a tiny grin.
"Don't go getting spoiled on me, now," Changmin says, popping two fries into his mouth. "What are you doing here, anyway?"
"We thought we'd keep you company and have lunch with you. Do you always eat alone?" Junsu takes his eyes off the food vendors and pokes Changmin's arm.
"For the most part, yes," Changmin answers, slapping Junsu's finger before it can get away completely. While he's preoccupied with Junsu, Yunho steals a fry, but Changmin chooses to ignore it for now. "The ex-pop star thing hasn't worn off yet. There are a few people who are sane enough to talk to, but I prefer to just eat alone."
"I'm not sure if that was an insult or a compliment," Yunho says thoughtfully.
"It was completely an insult," Changmin deadpans, at the same time that Junsu snorts: "From Changmin, really?"
"Mm, but yeah, I know what you mean," Junsu continues as he steals Changmin's soda, now. "It feels a bit weird hanging out with other people that aren't you guys. There's this trainee, though! She's pretty nice."
"Oh?" Changmin says, eyebrows raised and grin in place.
"Yeah! She's gonna be in my next music video." Junsu grins back, oblivious. "She dances pretty damn well. She makes great ddeokbokki, too--she brought me a box the other day."
"Really?" Yunho asks, in a tone Changmin finds too casual to really believe.
Changmin leans forward again, taking back his soda. "Is she pretty?"
Junsu, of course, remains oblivious. "Hmm... Okay, I guess. She looks a bit like Boa-sshi?"
Changmin snickers. "Does hyung have a crush?"
Junsu blinks. "I what?" He sounds more surprised about it than anyone else. "I, um. I don't know... I never... thought about it, I guess. I mean. Uh."
Changmin glances over at Yunho to see him with a familiar fond smile on his face. "Look, Yunho-hyung, isn't he blushing so cutely?" he says, nudging Yunho's arm.
Yunho chuckles, tilting his head in consideration. "Very cute," he says in agreement.
"Hey!" Junsu reaches across the table and swats Changmin's arm. "Stop that! I'm not cute! She is!" he protests.
Changmin laughs at the opening that Junsu's given him so easily. "Cute means you like her," he sing-songs, slumping to the side to rest his head on Yunho's shoulder and earning himself an arm around the shoulders in response, as well as a hum of agreement.
"Well, I like you and you're the furthest thing from cute!"
"Hey," Changmin says, "don't think I can't make you throw back up all those french fries you stole."
Yunho says, "Sharing is caring," with a grin.
"We came in to brighten your day!" Junsu says with a huff. "Food is just an added benefit. Are you saying food is more important than your hyung-deul? Huh? Shim Changmin!" Junsu points a french fry at him and Changmin wonders if it's too late to pretend that he doesn't know them. "I'm gonna tell on you to Jaejoong-hyung and Yoochunnie!"
"My day was bright enough before you turned up," Changmin grumbles, but he can feel the corners of his mouth twitching.
Clearly, Yunho's decided it's time for a change of subject. "So when's your next class?" he asks, fingers stroking Changmin's shoulder in a way Changmin knows is completely unconscious, and so kind of charming.
Changmin looks at his watch and startles a bit at how late it is. "10 minutes!" he says, and starts shoveling down the rest of his food before it gets stolen. Junsu sighs. He fishes out his cellphone before putting his butt on the table.
"Junsuyah, what--"
"I don't think this table can handle your weight."
"Shut up! Now smile because I'm going to send this to Jaejoong and Yoochun and they're going to regret not coming back sooner!" Junsu gives them approximately two seconds before the his phone makes a clicking sound. Changmin just hopes they don't look too crazy. Then he looks at Yunho, who's had just enough time to paste on a demented grin and stick bunny ears over Changmin's head, and gives up hope.
**
**
Package of LOVE AND SURVIVAL:
**
**
June 09, 2014, 11:24 PM, Mormontopia Salt Lake City, UT
"What sucks," Jaejoong says, sitting cross-legged on the hotel carpet and stubbornly trying to maneuver the scissors in a straight line, "I mean, what really sucks, is how the Great Salt Lake isn't actually great. It's like, mediocre. It's kind of lame. It's the Lame Salt Lake."
"Will you watch where you're cutting? You're gonna take off Yoona's head," Yoochun says, though strangely, his finger is pointing to her chest instead. Jaejoong doesn't care what Yoochun wants unless he's ranting about how lametastic the lake is too. "And I guess. It's just a lake."
Jaejoong waves Yoona's picture around because it seems like the only way to keep Yoochun's attention. "It's not even a lake!" he continues, waving the scissors around too. "It's like, it's like God just spilled a bunch of salt while he was making eggs and couldn't be bothered to clean it up. It's like the Slinky of American landmarks. Total mistake invention, and only entertaining for the first few seconds."
"I'm really glad we got the safety scissors for you," Yoochun says, backing up a little anyway. His eyes still follow Yoona in the air. Jaejoong doesn't know if he should feel jealous. "It's worse than a Slinky, if you think about it. I mean, it can't go down stairs by itself or make that cool shooooop Slinky noise."
"It's worse than a Slinky," Jaejoong agrees after some thought, a little pityingly because that's the lowest of all lows. He goes back to trying not to decapitate Yoona's picture.
Yoochun reaches over with a noise much too strained for how old he really is and grabs his can of beer. Finishing it off, he stares at it for a bit then says, "Hey hyung, have you ever crushed one of these against your head before? Is that actually possible?"
Jaejoong is tipsy enough to think that's an awesome idea. "I double dog dare you to find out," he says cheerfully.
Yoochun sighs at him loudly. "You know, just because I have a big forehead doesn't mean I always have to do these sorts of things!"
"I'll trade you Son Dambi if you crush a beer can against your head," Jaejoong offers. Yoochun's eyes narrow.
"...And you give Yoona a gazillion points."
"I can't fit that many zeros on the card!"
"Scientific notation, oh my god," Yoochun says, giving him the Duh Face. Jaejoong stares back blankly.
"If I'd known you were secretly Changmin, I would've left you in Idaho."
For a second Yoochun's bottom lip juts out petulantly, but then he just says, "I'm going to crush this on your head. Give Yoona a gazillion points!"
A gazillion is way too close to infinity and Jaejoong is determined to have Boa be the Head Bitch In Charge. He shakes his head fiercely. "9000."
Yoochun looks like he's thinking about it. "Is that still the highest?"
"Uh huh." Jaejoong lies better when he's drunk.
"Okay, fine," Yoochun says, then spins the beer can between his hands, moving it nowhere near his forehead. Jaejoong thinks Yoochun had better not be chickening out. "So how about that weather today..."
Jaejoong puts on what he hopes is his best frown, full of threatening grade school peer pressure. His finger may or may not wobble a little as he points it at Yoochun's face. "Park Yoochun, crush the beer can against your head."
"You're the worst hyung ever!" Yoochun says, huffing like a four year old. "What if I get brain damage? How are you going to explain that to Yunho-hyung, or worse, my mother."
Jaejoong can't help answering: "Don't you mean your mother, or worse, Yunho-hyung?"
"Fuck you, my mommy loves me."
"Has she told you that lately?"
Yoochun pouts. "I called her yesterday in fact, and she said she loved me." He digs out his phone, mumbling, "And you know what, I'm going to text her right now and tell her how much I love her and how she's the best mom ever and she's going to text back and tell me she loves me and I'm the best son ever and do you know what that means?" There's a dramatic pause while Yoochun raises his phone in the air and towards the window, clearly waiting for the message to send. After it beeps in confirmation, he uses it to point at Jaejoong's face. "It means my mommy has told me she loves me more recently than yours has told you. So, ha."
That is just unacceptable, and Jaejoong fishes blindly for his own phone. "Yeah, well, I'm gonna text my mom, and then I'm gonna text my other mom, and do you know what that means?" He stabs at the number pad, continuing, "It means two moms love me and think I'm the best son ever and that beats you by a thousand." A thousand what, he isn't sure.
Sputtering, Yoochun flips his phone open again and starts typing again, though not nearly as fast as Jaejoong. "Well, I'm texting my grandma now to tell her she should name a dish after me at her restaurant which means not only does she love me but so will everyone who orders my dish because it'll be so awesome and amazing and awesome so you can just suck it!"
Kim Jaejoong sucks nothing. He starts a new message right after he sends the previous, mashing at his phone fiercely. "I," he says, with great formidability, "am going to text my sisters."
"Fuck your sisters!" Yoochun says, then pauses for a moment before his entire being brightens. "Take this, Kim Jaejoong. I'm going to text my entire phone group of girls I've slept with since debut. Face the wrath of dual SIM cards."
Jaejoong recoils for all of five seconds before he remembers something very important about Yoochun's sleeping habits. "Best Friend Park Yoochun," he says gently, and reaches over to perform the Comforting Shoulder Pat, "most of those girls want you to choke on your own balls."
Yoochun's expression goes from elated to doom and gloom, and his shoulders sag. He looks up at Jaejoong, bottom lip sucked between his teeth. "There have to be at least eight who still find me irresistible, right?"
Jaejoong turns the Comforting Shoulder Pat into the There, There, Back Rub, because this conversation now suddenly requires a greater level of sensitivity. "That's eight out of a lot of girls."
Still pouting, Yoochun takes the cut-out picture of Yoona and stares at it longingly. "Yoona doesn't want me to choke on my own balls, does she?" The only move Jaejoong has left is Offer More Beer, which he performs spectacularly and Yoochun accepts with a smile. "Hey wait," he says, brow furrowing. "I never slept with Yoona. That was Jessica." Yoochun's morale gradually improves again. "Yoona always cockblocked me!" he says, looking at Jaejoong excitedly.
Jaejoong, however, is decidedly unexcited. "You slept with Jessica!" he cries, and gropes around for something to hit Yoochun with. Pillow? Scissors?
Yoochun's eyes widen, obviously realizing his mistake too late, and he starts scooting away on his butt, beer spilling onto his hand. "Hyung, it meant nothing! We were young and drunk and didn't know what we were doing. I bet she was thinking of you the whole time!"
Jaejoong settles for his own hand because he can't get his fingers through the scissor handle fast enough. He smacks repeatedly at Yoochun's thigh while his self-confidence and faith in humanity are shattered for at least a few minutes. "Jessica!" he whines. "Jessica my-heterosexual-soulmate-for-three-months-and-a-day! Shy-sarcastic-perfect Jessica! Eternally-stuck-with-her-at-first-base Jessica!"
Yoochun winces and cries out in pain, trying to shove Jaejoong away but to no avail. "That clearly means she respects you more than she does me though I would recommend giving her at least five shots of tequila if you want to hit a home run so badly can you stop hitting me now!"
Jaejoong stops hitting Yoochun to mull over the new information. Maybe he could call up Jessica once he got home and buy her lots of expensive tequila and then she'd respect him at the level she respected Yoochun and he'd rent a white stallion and they could ride down the Gyeongbu Expressway together. She'd probably steer. Jaejoong slaps Yoochun's leg again one more time before backing off. "That's for not telling me earlier."
Yoochun rubs at his leg. "Well, she was kind of a lousy lay so I didn't think it mattered," he mumbles, then slaps a hand over his mouth a second later.
Jaejoong looks at Yoochun for a long, long time, and then calmly picks up the scissors.
**
**
Left on the apartment's answering machine:
Tues, June 10, 2:42 AM, Salt Lake City; Tues, June 10, 5:42 PM, Seoul
Hi this is Junsu Yoochun Jaejoong Changmin Yunho and we're not here right now -- or we're busy -- right, or we're busy -- or we're getting laid -- or Yoochun's getting laid -- or we just don't want to talk to you -- or we just don't want to -- no, we want to talk to you we just can't come to the phone right now so leave a message and we'll call you back! ... I think we should do that again because Yoochun never gets laid and I don't believe in lying. Shut up I always get laid. Oh my god, can we go to the beep? How do we go to the beep? Just hang up. Are you sure? No. Well if you're not sure I don't want to hang up! Just hang up! I'm not hanging up! Hang up the phone dammit -- let go of my neck -- jesus christ did you rubber cement this on? nggggghhLETGOOFMYNE-- *BEEP*
Yoochun: JAEJOONG-HYUNG IS TRYING TO MURDER ME WITH THE PRESCHOOL SCISSORS. SEND HELP. SEND THE FBI. AND THE CIA. AND THE NSA. AND THE NAACP.
Jaejoong: Goddd Yoochun that was so three hours ago.
Yoochun: HE CUT OFF A PART OF MY HAIR. I LOOK LIKE A FREAK. YUNHO-HYUNG. YUNHO. HYUNG. YOU CAN'T LET THIS GO ON.
Jaejoong: It's an improvement and anyway that's not why we're calling, we're calling because Yunho you need to tell Yoochun that I have dibs on Boa. I've had dibs on Boa since I was IN THE WOMB.
Yoochun: God you are so delusional. It's obvious she loves me best and you're just jealous like a jealous thing. Don't worry, when we go on our honeymoon we'll send you a postcard.
Jaejoong: (snaps scissors) Don't worry, when I cut off your sexual organs and feed them to ravenous goats at least you can be happy that Boa's with me and we were made for each other and she cherishes me forever and our babies are beautiful.
Yoochun: Put that shit away! (scuffling) And she would never go for that because she wouldn't want children who can't dance!
Jaejoong: Oh, fuck you, Park Yoochun, I challenge you to a dance-off!
Yoochun: Fine. Bring it! (grunting and stumbling) I'm going to wipe the floor with your ass.
Jaejoong: I'm going to defeniferstrate you.
Yoochun: Not if my pelvic thrusts mastibicate you first!
(thirty seconds of swearing, panting, crashing, groaning, shouting, and possibly fire)
*BEEP*
**
Left on the apartment's answering machine:
Tues, June 10, 2:55 AM, Salt Lake City; Tues, June 10, 5:55 PM, Seoul
Hi this is Junsu Yoochun Jaejoong Changmin Yunho and we're not here right now -- or we're busy -- right, or we're busy -- or we're getting laid -- or Yoochun's getting laid -- or we just don't want to talk to you -- or we just don't want to -- no, we want to talk to you we just can't come to the phone right now so leave a message and we'll call you back! ... I think we should do that again because Yoochun never gets laid and I don't believe in lying. Shut up I always get laid. Oh my god, can we go to the beep? How do we go to the beep? Just hang up. Are you sure? No. Well if you're not sure I don't want to hang up! Just hang up! I'm not hanging up! Hang up the phone dammit -- let go of my neck -- jesus christ did you rubber cement this on? nggggghhLETGOOFMYNE-- *BEEP*
Jaejoong: Hiiiiiiiiiii I wonnnnnnn.
Yoochun: You did not win. You tried to bite at my crotch when I was doing my pelvic thrust marathon of awesome in your face.
Jaejoong: How do you know that wasn't just one of my own dance moves!
Yoochun: (silence) ... Yunho-hyung tell him crotch-biting is not a legitimate dance move. TELL HIM I'M THE REAL WINNER.
Jaejoong: I WAS THE LAST MAN STANDING.
Yoochun: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU KICKED ME IN THE SHINS YOU FUCKING CHEATER AND UNWORTHY POTENTIAL FUTURE HUSBAND OF BOA.
Jaejoong: TAKE THAT BACK. TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW.
Yoochun: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CROTCH-BITER.
Jaejoong: THERE WAS BARELY ANYTHING TO BITE.
Yoochun: (sputtering) I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS A LOT TO BITE. CERTAINLY MORE THAN YOU.
Jaejoong: Pfffft.
Yoochun: You know it's true. AND THAT'S WHY BOA WILL BE MY FIRST WIFE. Because we'll have better sex.
Jaejoong: THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS PREMATURE.
Yoochun: GO TAKE SOME VIAGRA, GRAMPS.
Jaejoong: GO FIND SOME LITTLE BOYS ON THE BUS, SLEAZEBAG.
Yoochun: I AM NOT A PEDO! AND EVEN IF I WAS, I CAN STILL GET IT UP MORE THAN YOU!
Jaejoong: FOR LITTLE BOYS.
Yoochun: AND FOR BOA MY FUTURE WIFE NOT YOURS.
Jaejoong: I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF YOUR LIES.
Yoochun: YOU'RE SUCH A SELF-DELUDING LOSER.
Jaejoong: YOU'RE A TOTAL EUNUCH.
Yoochun: I'LL EUNUCH YOU, YOU BASTARD.
(thirty more seconds of swearing, panting, crashing, groaning, shouting, and possibly fire)
*BEEP*
**
Left on the apartment's answering machine:
Tues, June 10, 3:17 AM, Salt Lake City; Tues, June 10, 6:17 PM, Seoul
Hi this is Junsu Yoochun Jaejoong Changmin Yunho and we're not here right now -- or we're busy -- right, or we're busy -- or we're getting laid -- or Yoochun's getting laid -- or we just don't want to talk to you -- or we just don't want to -- no, we want to talk to you we just can't come to the phone right now so leave a message and we'll call you back! ... I think we should do that again because Yoochun never gets laid and I don't believe in lying. Shut up I always get laid. Oh my god, can we go to the beep? How do we go to the beep? Just hang up. Are you sure? No. Well if you're not sure I don't want to hang up! Just hang up! I'm not hanging up! Hang up the phone dammit -- let go of my neck -- jesus christ did you rubber cement this on? nggggghhLETGOOFMYNE-- *BEEP*
Jaejoong: (clears throat) So our hotel neighbors called security.
Yoochun: Only because Jaejoong-hyung hit his head against the wall and it reverberated through the entire building like a mini-earthquake.
Jaejoong: Stop confusing me with you.
Yoochun: Can't you just be a man and accept that you're no match for my bony elbows?
Jaejoong: Why can't you just eat some fucking cupcakes!
Yoochun: Because you never make fucking cupcakes!
Jaejoong: Jesus, fine, I'll make you some fucking cupcakes!
Yoochun: ... With extra rainbow sprinkles?
Jaejoong: (loud sigh) And extra extra chocolate icing.
Yoochun: Okay! And I promise to hand feed them to Boa with extra extra love.
Jaejoong: I am going to kill you.
Yoochun: Don't worry, I'll tell her you made them while she sucks the icing off my fingers.
Jaejoong: (deadly silence)
Yoochun: Maybe we'll even name our first son after you.
Jaejoong: Yoochun, I'm drunk enough to throw up, and when I throw up, I'm going to throw up on you.
Yoochun: Hyung, bulimia is not the answer.
Jaejoong: You just bring out the worst in me. Literally.
Yoochun: If you start upchucking, I'm grabbing Boa's pokecard and shoving it in front of your mouth.
Jaejoong: You're just the worst Mormon spouse ever.
Yoochun: God says he understands.
Jaejoong: God doesn't exist!
Yoochun: (giant blasphemous gasp) How dare you.
Jaejoong: (giggles) God doesn't exist.
Yoochun: You need to be exorcised. Where's the bottle of water I stole from the Salt Lake?
Jaejoong: Your god is a liiiie.
Yoochun: (sound of water hitting skin)
Jaejoong: (spluttering and other miscellaneous noises) Goddamnit I can't swim.
Yoochun: You should feel grateful that you get to drown in God's love.
Jaejoong: The lying love of a lying God.
Yoochun: Do I have to suffocate you with God's pillow?
Jaejoong: You're lying about that too.
Yoochun: You're right. I don't want my pillow to touch your face and then have to sleep on it.
Jaejoong: Lying liarface.
Yoochun: ... Wait if God's pillow is my pillow. Am I God?
Jaejoong: (revelatory) Whoa.
Yoochun: (scuffling and crashing noises) --I'm okay! DUDE BOA WOULD TOTALLY WANT TO DO IT WITH GOD!
Jaejoong: (hiccups) God sucks.
Yoochun: Don't talk about me like I'm not in the ro -- oh shit. (more crashing followed by distant retching sounds and Jaejoong's gleeful declaration of karma)
*BEEP*
**
From: leadersshi@gmail.com
To: "Liability 1" , "Liability 2"
Date: Tues, June 10, 2014 at 11:11 PM
Subject: You're paying the bills
When the hotel sues you for damages, I really hope you two don't expect us to help pick up the bill!
Yunho
**
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Tweedledumb" , "Tweedledee"
Date: Tues, June 10, 2014 at 11:13 PM
Subject: Don't play favorites.
Jaejoong-hyung owes me cupcakes when you get home. I want red velvet with vanilla cream cheese frosting and a little fondant heart on top.
Changmin
**
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Shining Star" , "OH YOOCHUN~"
Date: Tues, June 10, 2014 at 11:17 PM
Subject: Is it true? IS IT TRUE?
is yoochun:
a) partially bald, or,
b) an eunuch?
PICS OR GTFO.
<3
sususu.
**
From: boa.on.top@gmail.com
To: kjaejoong@gmail.com, virginiapark@gmail.com
Date: Tues, June 10, 2014 at 11:51 PM
Subject: (none)
Hey you two, Yunho called and told me about your catfight. I'm really flattered, guys, but I don't want to string you along or anything, so I should tell you that neither of you are my type, sorry. I like men.
Have fun in America! Take your time coming home. ^^ j/k. ♥
Love, Boa