poisson d'avril [1/1]
poisson d'avril.
chansoo/kaisoo.
angst.
~2,000 words.
pg-13 [language, sexual content].
[chanyeol can't let go of kyungsoo.]
poisson d’avril
They break up on April Fool’s Day. Chanyeol takes it as a joke. Kyungsoo means it.
“Let’s break up,” Kyungsoo says at ten o’clock on the dot, staring into his cup noodles as he stirs the tiny green squares floating in the broth. His fingers are small and cold, stirring the half stained wooden chopsticks. Faint K-Pop music trickles from the back of the shop. A light, inconsiderate patter of the rain decorates the in-betweens, oblivious of the moment. The air is frozen still.
Chanyeol’s breath is shallow as he echoes “Break up,” staring out the glass window at a couple walking past, giggling under a shared umbrella. Rain droplets decorate the glimmering pavement outside, reflecting the gold of the street lights.
“Sure.”
He laughs, then, maybe because deep inside, he knows it’s not a joke, and he wants Kyungsoo to know it’s really okay, it’s really fucking okay because I know you’re fucking Kai, that goddamn friend you keep referring to casually, but you know what, I don’t fucking care, do what you want. But outside, he laughs because he thinks it’s all a joke. A real good fucking joke. I know you still love me.
But he looks to his left and Kyungsoo is throwing out the remains of the instant ramen and Chanyeol starts to say “hey-“ but he’s gone before Chanyeol can say anything more.
The door jingles in echo and music continues to play. Chanyeol stares outside the glass window again, this time at a small, frowning boy putting his hood over his head and stalking off in the pouring rain.
And when Chanyeol sees Kyungsoo again, smiling and shy, back to his bashful, deceitful self, it’s not in Chanyeol’s arms, but in none other than Kim fucking Kai’s, across the lecture hall like some fucking princess being cradled by a prince.
Chanyeol curses under his breath because it’s not really funny anymore, because jokes are meant to be fun, not sour and bitter and weird and heartbreaking. It’s not supposed to fucking hurt like that, not when you’re staring at the person who told the joke, when you feel like running over and punching the guy sitting next to him, the olive-skinned, well groomed, chiseled kid with a devious grin. That grin got him, probably, Chanyeol thinks, probably on some intoxicated night at a bar. Took him home and fucked him in the ass with some magic powder and now Kyungsoo thinks he’s in love with Kim Kai, the slut of the campus, when really, I’m telling you, Do Kyungsoo, listen to me, you’re in love with me. No one else. Me. Fucking M. E. He forgets to take notes during the lecture.
He doesn’t say anything as he walks out of class that day, even when Kyungsoo brushes shoulders with him and Chanyeol can kind of smell a hangover-he just watches, boring holes into the back of the two boys walking off, stuck together like a goddamn couple. Like a goddamn couple except for one thing: they’re not a couple.
The joke has long since worn thin when he’s talking to Byun Baekhyun, the gossip girl of the campus.
“You’re not with him anymore?” he asks, fluttering his eyes and twiddling his fingers. “Not into the stoic asshole type anymore?” Baekhyun sighs. “I saw him making out with Kai yesterday-in the fucking cafeteria. They’ve got no manners, those kids. So rude.”
Chanyeol doesn’t answer. Baekhyun eyes him curiously.
“Want to eat lunch with me today?” he ventures.
“Fuck off,” and he turns and spits, a wad of contempt wetting the sidewalk. Baekhyun gets the idea.
But when Chanyeol comes home that night, ready to sink into his bed, he opens his apartment door to Do Kyungsoo sitting himself on the couch, slumping over the hidden stash of Doritos only Chanyeol knows about. The air pauses as he stares at Kyungsoo watching late night TV, laughing, just like any other day, just like last week. And it’s then that Chanyeol remembers suddenly-Kyungsoo still has the other copy of his apartment key.
It’s not fucking funny I’m going to punch your face out get out of my fucking place Chanyeol wants to say, but when he sees that face-that dark, stoic, unmoving, goddammit I still love him what do I do-but they’re not really together anymore, “let’s break up” wasn’t a joke because Do Kyungsoo fucked Kim Kai and he’s just doing this to mess me up you fucker I know what you’re doing. Chanyeol’s head hurts. So he sticks his hand out to say give me my goddamn keys, you cheater.
But Kyungsoo looks up with his eyes, those golf-ball eyes and those fucking heart lips and words of some sort slip out between those pink, kissable lips, something like a nonchalant “What?”
Chanyeol shakes his head, says, “I know what you’re doing. Give me my keys and leave.”
“What are you talking about?”
Like nothing happened, like all of yesterday and the day before that and the day before that never happened, like you didn’t break my fucking heart, Do Kyungsoo, I know you’ve been with Kai ever since you stopped coming over every day for dinner, Do Kyungsoo. Don’t fuck around.
But something grabs him because maybe, maybe he’s been wrong and maybe he hallucinated the past few days because, fuck, he still feels something inside, something bitter and stinging like heartbreak and longing and I still fucking love you, though, so I’ll give you another chance and soon it’s not really Chanyeol with an outstretched hand and an indignant face but Chanyeol thrusting on Kyungsoo with nothing but heat and sweat and pained groans in between because Do fucking Kyungsoo, I love you too much don’t leave me, let me tell you my sex is better than his, my love is better than his, don’t leave me, don’t don’t don’t. I love you too much.
But in the morning, Chanyeol wakes up and he’s late to class and there is no trace of Kyungsoo and it hits him hard, maybe something in between “holy shit did I dream it all” and “holy shit did he leave me again” and Chanyeol’s stricken with that weird feeling of heartbreak and confusion again because Kyungsoo’s gone but he hasn’t left the keys.
In class, though, Chanyeol walks in and his eyes dart to Kim Kai and none other than Do Kyungsoo sitting next to him, grinning placidly like there’s nothing wrong, nothing wrong with the fact that you fucked me yesterday night and now you’re sitting next to Kim fucking Kai-what am I, some toy?
So Chanyeol walks over to Kyungsoo, sitting cradled next to Kim Kai, who looks up at Chanyeol with those golf-ball eyes again. So Chanyeol extends his arm again and spits out-no smidge of empathy or love this time-“give me my fucking keys” and Kyungsoo smiles and gives it to him and Chanyeol feels heartbreak and relief all at once because he’s finally actually gone now but fuck, he’s gone forever.
Chanyeol goes to the bar that night, and somehow Baekhyun is there with him, Byun Baekhyun with the nasally voice and the high pitched laugh and the nonstop chatter but somehow Baekhyun is there, Baekhyun doesn’t leave, Baekhyun stays, and Chanyeol feels a sort of relief. Baekhyun says “do you want to come over” and Chanyeol doesn’t remember, but maybe it’s after five or six shots when a muffled “maybe” sifts out beneath his breath, mumbled out casually, clumsily, between tears and confessions. And soon there Chanyeol is, in between sheets and Baekhyun’s bare body, and they’re doing it again, he’s doing it again, he’s lost and he doesn’t know but Baekhyun’s safe, Baekhyun won’t leave him, he’s not like Kyungsoo, I’ll say I love you, Baekhyun I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry Kyungsoo but you don’t love me anymore and Baekhyun does so I’ll go to him now, let me kiss your collarbones Baekhyun, your eyelids, the nape of your neck and your hips and let me come into you because you love me, right?
But when Chanyeol comes home after a heated night, he realizes that when Kyungsoo had left that morning, he had taken both copies of Chanyeol’s apartment keys. Invisible lightning strikes his chest.
Kyungsoo you sly boy you took both and gave me back my own keys during class. And then Chanyeol cries that night because what does that mean? Do I still love you, Kyungsoo?
He goes to class the next day and he watches Kim Kai and Do Kyungsoo and he feels numb as he walks over to Baekhyun, who is beaming like a boyfriend in love. I love you, Baekhyun, he echoes, but he doesn’t feel it even when Baekhyun repeats it back to Chanyeol, I love you too, I’ve always loved you.
I’ve always loved you, Kyungsoo.
Nothing progresses and Kyungsoo graduates, still in Kai’s arms, still holding Chanyeol’s apartment key. Chanyeol still feels empty but he’s used to Baekhyun now, Baekhyun who can be annoying sometimes but can certainly do the cooking and can be of use here and there, and Chanyeol even feels some sort of amiability with him, so it’s alright, the sex is good, the friendship is there, but something’s never quite right because Kyungsoo still has his apartment key and what does that mean?
Still more years pass and Chanyeol’s completely numb now, though there is a small part of him that’s still disjointed and a little bit off but Baekhyun overlooks it and Chanyeol ignores it because Kyungsoo is long gone now, I don’t give a shit about you anymore Do Kyungsoo, even if deep inside I still know I’d jump in front of a fucking train for you why did you leave me you heartless fucker.
It stays like that, an emotion frozen in time-frozen five years ago and Chanyeol carries that tiny ice cube around because there’s still that leftover thought what if he comes home? What if he comes home and he sees me with Baekhyun and he leaves me-don’t leave me Kyungsoo I’m telling you I’d do anything for you I still love you I’m sorry for what I’ve done, for what I might have done, I’m sorry I’m sorry just stay please. So Chanyeol keeps that ice cube of a thought in his pocket, an ice cube Baekhyun doesn’t know about, an ice cube Chanyeol has forgotten because it’s been too long.
They’re in the coffee shop, post five years, Baekhyun and Chanyeol, when the fateful moment comes. Cue the jingle of the café bells, cue the music screeching to a halt in anticipation and of course Chanyeol turns his head at the perfect moment and oh jesus fuck is that who I think it is no it can’t be but holy shit it is, it’s Do Kyung-are you okay Chanyeol? What’s wrong?-no, I’m fine, I’m fine just, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it, Baekhyun. I just need to go to the bathroom.
The bathroom, where Do Kyungsoo is going. I haven’t seen you in so long, Kyungsoo. The ice cube is melting and I think I remember my feelings again. I missed you.
So the bathroom doors swing shut and Chanyeol steps in and looks at Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo turns around, faces him, his eyes still wide but even wider because he whispers with a hoarse voice, “Chanyeol?” And that’s it. Chanyeol loses it. They’re on the wall, soft kissing slowly into a crescendo of touches and passionate tongues and they’re in a stall and Chanyeol says “I missed you” and Kyungsoo lets out a soft smile and Chanyeol realizes he can’t be with Baekhyun anymore, Kyungsoo is here again, Kyungsoo loves him again. And they share more body heat before Chanyeol leaves with slightly disheveled hair, a fast-beating heart, and regained spunk.
“Let’s break up,” he says to Baekhyun. It’s April first. Baekhyun takes it as a joke. Chanyeol means it.
But on the taxi ride home, when Chanyeol hums, his hands in his pockets and his heart uplifted, he feels something in his pocket that wasn’t there that day. Someone must have put it there. He feels it, brings it out, looks at the rusted color sitting in the palm of his hand. Everything breaks.
It’s his apartment key.