Pinning Down Clouds (Kitayama/[Miyata], NC-17)
Title: Pinning Down Clouds
Character/Pairing: Kitayama/(Miyata)
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
Summary: Kitayama solves his own problem.
AN: Spoiler: This is not a get-together, but things work out in the end.
Kitayama has a problem.
That problem’s name is Miyata.
Now, to be perfectly clear, it’s not Miyata’s fault - it’s nothing that he’s done, or hasn’t. The fault lies entirely with Kitayama himself.
But it’s still a problem.
The issue has been a long time in development, but it’s only recently that it’s started to become a hindrance. Kitayama first realizes when Tsukada invites him to an online drinking party with Miyata and a few others. And Kitayama nearly says yes before he realizes.
There’s no way he’s going to get through any kind of drinking party with Miyata without someone realizing exactly how he feels about him. And so he refuses. Of course he has excuses, of course he tells them the timing is bad, and that he’s busy. And he makes it true. But it’s not like he couldn’t have done house chores at other times.
It’s been… years, Kitayama thinks, since he first acknowledged to himself that he’s in love with Miyata. And he probably felt that way for a while before then, too. He wants to say it’s stupid, but it’s not. He wouldn’t blame anyone else for falling for him, so he’s decided not to blame himself. Miyata is kind, and patient, and funny, and reliable, and… there’s a lot to admire and respect, which Kitayama does. And it doesn’t help that he really likes his face. And his body. And really just everything about it.
But it doesn’t matter. Or, it didn’t.
Kitayama had never planned on telling Miyata how he feels. As far as he can tell, Miyata only goes for girls. Tamamori might be the exception to that. Kitayama isn’t really sure. The two of them have always been close, and obviously they make a big show of it, to the point that it’s become A Thing for the group: TamaMiya and their love duets, their wedding, their official manga booklet and everything. Kitayama has never minded because it’s good for Kis-My-Ft2. He just has no idea how much it spills over into their private lives or doesn’t; it’s none of his business. He feels that there’s likely something between them, or at least there has been, at times, but it’s not something he can ask about, and it’s not something they offer.
So Kitayama can’t even call Tamamori his rival.
Miyata has a type. He likes those anime girls, of course. He’s very open about the 2D characters that he’s into, and Kitayama finds the whole cheerful, big bouncing-breasted girls comical, except for the fact that there’s a good degree of that reflected in the 3D girls that Miyata goes for. And Kitayama is about as far from that as one can get. He knows his chance of falling anywhere on Miyata’s interest radar is negligible. It’s therefore unfortunate that Miyata has fallen smack in the middle of his.
At first, Kitayama thinks it’s just an infatuation. Miyata has gotten progressively more attractive over the years - they all have - and at some point, Kitayama noticed, in a way that he doesn’t notice the others. It’s annoying, in the beginning, but it doesn’t go away, and so Kitayama decides to indulge it, just a little.
It doesn’t hurt Miyata any if Kitayama thinks about him. He doesn’t know what Kitayama is thinking when he watches Miyata stretch. He doesn’t know that Kitayama is mentally thinking about stretching with him, in a different way, with a lot less clothing. He doesn’t know that when he reaches up to brush the sweat from dancing off of his forehead, Kitayama is envisioning him sweating from an entirely different kind of workout.
And he certainly doesn’t know that at the end of the day, when Kitayama gets home, it’s Miyata that he’s thinking about in the shower. It’s Miyata’s face, and back, and hips, and hands that Kitayama is thinking about when he’s alone in his bed.
It’s fine like this for a while. Kitayama doesn’t worry too much at work, doesn’t let his mind drift too far, because he knows he can go home and let himself fantasize as much as he wants. And he starts letting things go further, because why shouldn’t he. Until now, it’s always been Miyata’s mouth around his cock, them rubbing together with Miyata’s hands on his ass, but then Kitayama lets his fingers drift lower, rubs his fingers over his hole and imagines it’s Miyata’s tongue. Slips his fingers inside and pretends that Miyata is there with him, staring down at him with dark eyes as he stretches him open.
Kitayama doesn’t know why he’s so into Miyata, though. He used to fantasize about various people, but lately it’s just his group member that’s in his thoughts. He’s only thinking of Miyata when he buys his first dildo and tests it out, groaning at the slide of it inside himself. It feels so good to fuck himself with the toy, better than just his fingers. But everything takes so much energy, so much effort to twist himself around and hit the right angles, and he just wishes he could lay back and have Miyata fuck him into the mattress for real. Just put himself in Miyata’s hands and let him make Kitayama feel amazing.
He thinks about it, sometimes, when he’s hanging out with Miyata. Because they’re friends, and they go for dinner and they go for drinks and sometimes, sometimes Kitayama thinks maybe he could tell him and Miyata would come home with him and…
...and he knows that’s not true. But just in case he ever does, Kitayama gets himself a bigger toy. He’s seen Miyata nude plenty of times, knows just how big he is. And although he’s never seen him hard, he can imagine, and Kitayama wants that, wants to be able to take that. And so he stretches himself more, pushes himself harder, and it’s so goddamn good when he’s got a thick cock stretching him full, even if it’s fake.
And it’s frustrating, but it’s fine.
Until he realizes that this whole thing isn’t just about wanting Miyata’s dick. He loves his smile. He loves his smile, and the way he talks, and the way he looks at Kitayama with amusement when Kitayama is doing something silly, and fuck. Kitayama loves him.
It’s a weird thing to realize. Kitayama’s loved Miyata for a long time. He loves all of Kis-My-Ft2. But realizing that he’s in love with Miyata is pretty weird, even after all this time of just wanting him.
Miyata isn’t going to want him back. He’s not going to love him back. Not like this.
Kitayama feels disappointed at first, quietly, feeling a little bit lost around Miyata, despite Miyata being as cheerful as ever. He seems to pick up on some of Kitayama’s melancholy, but Kitayama evades all of his attempts to dig further into it. And then Kitayama realizes that it’s okay this way. Miyata cares for him, and that’s enough. Kitayama doesn’t need him to love him back, doesn’t need him to want him.
Going home alone is still annoying at times, having to make the effort by himself, but in general, Kitayama’s satisfied with how things are. His chest squeezes tight sometimes when Miyata laughs, he gets those stupid fluttery feelings in his stomach when Miyata poses seriously for the camera. But… it’s kind of nice, actually. Kitayama smiles to himself.
Until he’s reviewing some of their recent talk footage and realizes that all of his feelings for Miyata are written all over his face.
Shit. Does anyone realize? Do the others know?
He tries his best to be more careful about it from then on. It’s not too difficult at work. There are always the other members and the staff and Kitayama has plenty to focus on that isn’t Miyata. And he’s figured out that Miyata’s pretty clueless about it when it’s just the two of them. They still go out to dinner, and Kitayama doesn’t know what his own face looks like, but Miyata never acts any different, so it must be okay.
But what’s not going to be okay is a private meeting between a few of them, even if it’s digital. Miyata may not notice the way Kitayama looks at him, the way he feels, but without work and the staff for distraction, just a few of their friends… there’s no way Tsukada isn’t going to pick up on it.
And so Kitayama always declines.
But once they start heading back to work more often, Kitayama comes to a decision. He needs to tell Miyata how he feels.
He doesn’t expect anything from him, but he can’t keep hiding this - it just isn’t going to be doable, and Miyata deserves to know. He thinks he’ll be okay with it, but it’s still nerve wracking to confront him. He does it anyway.
“So, what was it you wanted to talk about?” Miyata asks him, sitting across the table from Kitayama. His eyes are gentle, encouraging, and Kitayama takes a deep breath, waving the smoke from the yakiniku grill away from his face. But he can only stall for so long.
“Miyata…” he starts, and then stops. Ugh, difficult. “I hope you won’t be upset with me. I thought about whether to tell you for a long time. But I think you should know…”
“I love you.”
And then clarifies quickly. “I’m in love with you.”
The smile falls from Miyata’s face, and he stares at Kitayama, serious. But he looks thoughtful, contemplative. He’s silent for a long time.
“You don’t have to answer anything,” Kitayama hurries to tell him. “It’s fine if you don’t feel the same way - I don’t expect you to.”
“I just thought you should know,” he finishes.
Miyata nods slowly. Kitayama’s almost grateful for the silence, because it seems that Miyata is considering his words carefully, that he accepts them for what they are, and he doesn’t want to hurt Kitayama with his reply.
Miyata finally speaks, slowly, but he meets Kitayama’s eyes as he does. “Thank you for telling me,” he says. “I guess it’s not easy. And… I’m sorry that I can’t-”
He stops, seemingly unsure, so Kitayama finishes it for him.
“-give me what I want?” he asks. “No, I don’t want anything. Just for you to know. So don’t be sorry, please. I didn’t tell you to make you feel guilty.”
Miyata smiles slightly and relaxes, glances down and then back up. “Well. I feel a little bad. But. Thank you. I guess.” His expression changes to one of concern. “But is it really okay for you? Like this?”
Kitayama smiles back. “Yeah. Yeah, it is. I’m happy like this.”
And, he realizes, he is.
Character/Pairing: Kitayama/(Miyata)
Rating/Warnings: NC-17
Summary: Kitayama solves his own problem.
AN: Spoiler: This is not a get-together, but things work out in the end.
Kitayama has a problem.
That problem’s name is Miyata.
Now, to be perfectly clear, it’s not Miyata’s fault - it’s nothing that he’s done, or hasn’t. The fault lies entirely with Kitayama himself.
But it’s still a problem.
The issue has been a long time in development, but it’s only recently that it’s started to become a hindrance. Kitayama first realizes when Tsukada invites him to an online drinking party with Miyata and a few others. And Kitayama nearly says yes before he realizes.
There’s no way he’s going to get through any kind of drinking party with Miyata without someone realizing exactly how he feels about him. And so he refuses. Of course he has excuses, of course he tells them the timing is bad, and that he’s busy. And he makes it true. But it’s not like he couldn’t have done house chores at other times.
It’s been… years, Kitayama thinks, since he first acknowledged to himself that he’s in love with Miyata. And he probably felt that way for a while before then, too. He wants to say it’s stupid, but it’s not. He wouldn’t blame anyone else for falling for him, so he’s decided not to blame himself. Miyata is kind, and patient, and funny, and reliable, and… there’s a lot to admire and respect, which Kitayama does. And it doesn’t help that he really likes his face. And his body. And really just everything about it.
But it doesn’t matter. Or, it didn’t.
Kitayama had never planned on telling Miyata how he feels. As far as he can tell, Miyata only goes for girls. Tamamori might be the exception to that. Kitayama isn’t really sure. The two of them have always been close, and obviously they make a big show of it, to the point that it’s become A Thing for the group: TamaMiya and their love duets, their wedding, their official manga booklet and everything. Kitayama has never minded because it’s good for Kis-My-Ft2. He just has no idea how much it spills over into their private lives or doesn’t; it’s none of his business. He feels that there’s likely something between them, or at least there has been, at times, but it’s not something he can ask about, and it’s not something they offer.
So Kitayama can’t even call Tamamori his rival.
Miyata has a type. He likes those anime girls, of course. He’s very open about the 2D characters that he’s into, and Kitayama finds the whole cheerful, big bouncing-breasted girls comical, except for the fact that there’s a good degree of that reflected in the 3D girls that Miyata goes for. And Kitayama is about as far from that as one can get. He knows his chance of falling anywhere on Miyata’s interest radar is negligible. It’s therefore unfortunate that Miyata has fallen smack in the middle of his.
At first, Kitayama thinks it’s just an infatuation. Miyata has gotten progressively more attractive over the years - they all have - and at some point, Kitayama noticed, in a way that he doesn’t notice the others. It’s annoying, in the beginning, but it doesn’t go away, and so Kitayama decides to indulge it, just a little.
It doesn’t hurt Miyata any if Kitayama thinks about him. He doesn’t know what Kitayama is thinking when he watches Miyata stretch. He doesn’t know that Kitayama is mentally thinking about stretching with him, in a different way, with a lot less clothing. He doesn’t know that when he reaches up to brush the sweat from dancing off of his forehead, Kitayama is envisioning him sweating from an entirely different kind of workout.
And he certainly doesn’t know that at the end of the day, when Kitayama gets home, it’s Miyata that he’s thinking about in the shower. It’s Miyata’s face, and back, and hips, and hands that Kitayama is thinking about when he’s alone in his bed.
It’s fine like this for a while. Kitayama doesn’t worry too much at work, doesn’t let his mind drift too far, because he knows he can go home and let himself fantasize as much as he wants. And he starts letting things go further, because why shouldn’t he. Until now, it’s always been Miyata’s mouth around his cock, them rubbing together with Miyata’s hands on his ass, but then Kitayama lets his fingers drift lower, rubs his fingers over his hole and imagines it’s Miyata’s tongue. Slips his fingers inside and pretends that Miyata is there with him, staring down at him with dark eyes as he stretches him open.
Kitayama doesn’t know why he’s so into Miyata, though. He used to fantasize about various people, but lately it’s just his group member that’s in his thoughts. He’s only thinking of Miyata when he buys his first dildo and tests it out, groaning at the slide of it inside himself. It feels so good to fuck himself with the toy, better than just his fingers. But everything takes so much energy, so much effort to twist himself around and hit the right angles, and he just wishes he could lay back and have Miyata fuck him into the mattress for real. Just put himself in Miyata’s hands and let him make Kitayama feel amazing.
He thinks about it, sometimes, when he’s hanging out with Miyata. Because they’re friends, and they go for dinner and they go for drinks and sometimes, sometimes Kitayama thinks maybe he could tell him and Miyata would come home with him and…
...and he knows that’s not true. But just in case he ever does, Kitayama gets himself a bigger toy. He’s seen Miyata nude plenty of times, knows just how big he is. And although he’s never seen him hard, he can imagine, and Kitayama wants that, wants to be able to take that. And so he stretches himself more, pushes himself harder, and it’s so goddamn good when he’s got a thick cock stretching him full, even if it’s fake.
And it’s frustrating, but it’s fine.
Until he realizes that this whole thing isn’t just about wanting Miyata’s dick. He loves his smile. He loves his smile, and the way he talks, and the way he looks at Kitayama with amusement when Kitayama is doing something silly, and fuck. Kitayama loves him.
It’s a weird thing to realize. Kitayama’s loved Miyata for a long time. He loves all of Kis-My-Ft2. But realizing that he’s in love with Miyata is pretty weird, even after all this time of just wanting him.
Miyata isn’t going to want him back. He’s not going to love him back. Not like this.
Kitayama feels disappointed at first, quietly, feeling a little bit lost around Miyata, despite Miyata being as cheerful as ever. He seems to pick up on some of Kitayama’s melancholy, but Kitayama evades all of his attempts to dig further into it. And then Kitayama realizes that it’s okay this way. Miyata cares for him, and that’s enough. Kitayama doesn’t need him to love him back, doesn’t need him to want him.
Going home alone is still annoying at times, having to make the effort by himself, but in general, Kitayama’s satisfied with how things are. His chest squeezes tight sometimes when Miyata laughs, he gets those stupid fluttery feelings in his stomach when Miyata poses seriously for the camera. But… it’s kind of nice, actually. Kitayama smiles to himself.
Until he’s reviewing some of their recent talk footage and realizes that all of his feelings for Miyata are written all over his face.
Shit. Does anyone realize? Do the others know?
He tries his best to be more careful about it from then on. It’s not too difficult at work. There are always the other members and the staff and Kitayama has plenty to focus on that isn’t Miyata. And he’s figured out that Miyata’s pretty clueless about it when it’s just the two of them. They still go out to dinner, and Kitayama doesn’t know what his own face looks like, but Miyata never acts any different, so it must be okay.
But what’s not going to be okay is a private meeting between a few of them, even if it’s digital. Miyata may not notice the way Kitayama looks at him, the way he feels, but without work and the staff for distraction, just a few of their friends… there’s no way Tsukada isn’t going to pick up on it.
And so Kitayama always declines.
But once they start heading back to work more often, Kitayama comes to a decision. He needs to tell Miyata how he feels.
He doesn’t expect anything from him, but he can’t keep hiding this - it just isn’t going to be doable, and Miyata deserves to know. He thinks he’ll be okay with it, but it’s still nerve wracking to confront him. He does it anyway.
“So, what was it you wanted to talk about?” Miyata asks him, sitting across the table from Kitayama. His eyes are gentle, encouraging, and Kitayama takes a deep breath, waving the smoke from the yakiniku grill away from his face. But he can only stall for so long.
“Miyata…” he starts, and then stops. Ugh, difficult. “I hope you won’t be upset with me. I thought about whether to tell you for a long time. But I think you should know…”
“I love you.”
And then clarifies quickly. “I’m in love with you.”
The smile falls from Miyata’s face, and he stares at Kitayama, serious. But he looks thoughtful, contemplative. He’s silent for a long time.
“You don’t have to answer anything,” Kitayama hurries to tell him. “It’s fine if you don’t feel the same way - I don’t expect you to.”
“I just thought you should know,” he finishes.
Miyata nods slowly. Kitayama’s almost grateful for the silence, because it seems that Miyata is considering his words carefully, that he accepts them for what they are, and he doesn’t want to hurt Kitayama with his reply.
Miyata finally speaks, slowly, but he meets Kitayama’s eyes as he does. “Thank you for telling me,” he says. “I guess it’s not easy. And… I’m sorry that I can’t-”
He stops, seemingly unsure, so Kitayama finishes it for him.
“-give me what I want?” he asks. “No, I don’t want anything. Just for you to know. So don’t be sorry, please. I didn’t tell you to make you feel guilty.”
Miyata smiles slightly and relaxes, glances down and then back up. “Well. I feel a little bad. But. Thank you. I guess.” His expression changes to one of concern. “But is it really okay for you? Like this?”
Kitayama smiles back. “Yeah. Yeah, it is. I’m happy like this.”
And, he realizes, he is.