fic: and if i can't be all that i could be; brittany/santana; pg-13 part 1
Title: and if i can't be all that i could be
Author: yesssirrr
Characters/Pairings: Brittany/Santana; Brittany/Quinn friendship; Quinn POV
Rating: pg-13
Length: 5,410
Spoiler: Character death. Other than that, it's within the Glee universe, but nothing that really touches on any specific episodes.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or people. No copyright infringement intended. I JUST WANT TO WRITE ABOUT THEM.
Summary: Brittany deals with losing Santana.Quinn's there for her.
Author's Note: Angst ahead, you guys. I don't think it's too bad, but I've been told otherwise. So you've been warned. But it ends happily enough, so that should be something, right?
Author's Note II: I've had this idea for forever and have been writing this story longer than that and I'm just now doing something about it. I think it links back to a glee_angst_meme prompt, but I don't recall the specifics of that prompt.
;;
Quinn doesn't think about death.
She has never found a reason to think about death. Not even when she thought her life felt like it was over, she never considered death to be anything but a faraway idea that happened to other people.
All she ever heard was about life. Throughout her pregnancy, all everyone talked about was the life that she was bringing into the world. Throughout the entire adoption process, all everyone talked about was the life - the future - in store for her and for her daughter. All she's heard of for as long as she can remember dealt with life and the future and the great possibilities to come.
So when she stands beside Brittany in the hospital, it knocks the wind out of her lungs when the doctor pronounces Santana Lopez's time of death on a Wednesday morning in early March.
--
Santana is on her way back from a doctor's appointment to glee practice. She gets a clean bill of health from Dr. Chen, thanks mostly to Sue Sylvester’s strict dietary restrictions and intense workout schedules.
It's a Tuesday afternoon.
She has the green light. There is a guy coming from the intersecting street that doesn't realize he has to stop. He doesn't.
He hits her car on the driver's side, effectively crushing the side of the car like a soda can with the grill of his truck before her car flips over all the way to the sidewalk.
The ambulance doesn't come for ten minutes, even though it feels more like ten hours. She hangs upside down in her car as she struggles to unbuckle her seatbelt, bloodied fingers shaking to push down on the buckle. The strap across her chest is making it hard to breathe. The belt across her lap is digging down, cutting the circulation of her bottom half.
With a last ditch effort, she yanks on the belt. The buckle gives out and Santana unceremoniously drops down from her seat and barely has time to cover her head as it hits the roof.
She is unconscious when they find her, barely breathing.
--
Quinn sees Mike pale considerably after he returns a call during one of their breaks. He slowly closes his phone and stands in the corner for some time before turning around. She knows when bad news is coming. She's had enough experience.
She doesn't move a muscle, just watches him closely as he walks back to the group that’s completely unaware of his change in demeanor. Something terribly bad has happened and she didn't need to have been part of that phone call to know it.
Mike blinks wordlessly in front of the group when they finally look at him.
"Mike, what's wrong?" Brittany jumps from her seat and walks up to him, completely concerned.
"It's, uh, it's Santana." He doesn't look anybody else in the eye except Brittany.
Everyone looks at each other, but it's Brittany that Quinn is looking at. She watches as the blonde girl stills completely beside Mike, the hand she has on his arm gripping it tightly.
"She got in a car accident."
--
Before Mr. Schue can even say "glee practice is cancelled" the entire group has piled into three different cars to rush to the hospital.
Puck is driving like a maniac, trying to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. Brittany, who's sitting in the backseat beside Quinn and Kurt, yells for him to slow down. Quinn realizes that out of all the years that she has been friends with Brittany, this is the first time that she has ever really heard her yell. Apparently, it's the first time for Puck too because he slows down considerably, glancing at her every couple of seconds in the rearview mirror.
No one else says a word in the car, but Kurt and Quinn take it upon themselves to hold Brittany's hands, to hold her still after they feel her shake beside them.
When they get there, they see Santana's parents already going through the hospital entrance. They run, following them.
The last time Quinn went to the hospital, she gave birth to her daughter, Lily. But that was something she looked forward to. Today’s different.
Now, it's because Santana got in an accident.
It gives her chills.
--
Everyone stands back when they reach Santana’s parents. Brittany runs up to them and gives Mrs. Lopez a fierce hug, which the older lady returns without a second thought. Quinn slowly follows as the remaining glee members take a spot at a corner in the waiting room and anxiously wait for any kind of news.
Quinn walks up to the Lopez family and before she can even think about offering them a hug, Mr. Lopez embraces her and holds her, as if she was his daughter. She hugs him back and lets him hold her like his own child because even though this is about Santana, she can’t help but remember how her own father used to hug her so intently when something bad happened.
--
They’ve been waiting restlessly for five hours without news. When the clock in the waiting room hits 8 o’clock, most of the glee kids are forced to go home. They promise to come and visit sometime tomorrow and request to be updated. Quinn stays by Brittany’s side the entire time. They all hug Brittany and murmur encouragement to her before they head out. The entire time Brittany smiles politely, guardedly. It shouldn’t surprise her, but it does anyway, when Quinn sees how it doesn’t suit her at all.
Puck stays back as the rest of the group file out. He pulls Quinn aside when Brittany walks back to the Lopez family who is more than thankful for the sincerity the group is giving.
“Look, I can stay with you guys if you want.”
Quinn smiles gratefully, but even she knows it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Thanks, Puck. But you should go home and rest.”
“You know I won’t be resting until I find out how she is, right?”
She nods. “Yeah, I know. We’ll call you if anything comes up.”
“Are you gonna need anything? What about Brittany?” he asks, gesturing at the girl over Quinn’s shoulder. Quinn turns around to take a glance at Brittany before facing Puck again. She sighs.
“I don’t know yet. Maybe get some food for all of us? Here,” she says as she starts digging in her purse. He puts a hand on hers.
“No, I got it. I’ll be back soon.” She nods. He walks past her and towards Santana’s parents. They smile at him and start offering money, but he puts his hand up and shakes his head. Quinn hears him say it’s the least he could do. They thank him.
Puck puts a hand on Brittany’s shoulder before he leaves and squeezes it, not saying anything. He looks back at her one more time, offering a small smile, before he’s out to get them some food.
She’s proud of him, of the kind of progress he’s made in the last year. He’s still sometimes a sleaze, but she knows he’s got a good heart and that’s what attracted her to him back then. She did a lot of growing up because of that baby, but she didn’t expect a similar change in him; but she likes it because it suits him.
When Puck leaves the waiting room, Quinn takes a seat beside her and puts her hand back in Brittany’s. Together, they hold onto one another. It’s unsettling how silent Brittany has been in the last five hours, not a single smile or word has come out of her without being asked first. So it startles Quinn a little when she starts speaking.
“She’s gonna live, right?” Quinn nods and squeezes her hand for reassurance.
“Yeah, Britt. She’s going to live.” There’s no doubt in her mind that Santana’s going to pull through. There’s no reason to, so she doesn’t. This isn’t some t.v. show. These things don’t happen to people like them.
--
Quinn wakes up in an awkward position in one of the waiting room chairs. There’s a crick in her neck and her back hurts from how she slept. She rubs the sleep out of her eyes and tries to remember what she’s doing there. She spots Brittany standing by the window that looks out into the hospital parking lot, wearing the same Cheerios uniform. But the brightness of the uniform seems dull against the backdrop of the world outside.
It makes her uncomfortable to see Brittany so silent and stoic. She’s always seen her so lively and animated. It doesn’t take her long to realize that Brittany hasn’t slept at all; hasn’t moved from her spot by the window.
Quinn looks at Santana’s parents just a couple of seats away from her and sees how Mr. Lopez is cradling Mrs. Lopez in his arms. They’re both exhausted, but when she catches Mrs. Lopez’s eyes, the older woman gives her a soft smile. She thinks that Santana’s parents are really strong because she can’t imagine how they must feel right now; helplessly waiting to see what happens to their daughter. She knows she gave her daughter away for adoption, but she also knows that she wouldn’t know what to do with herself if Lily died. She shudders at the thought and decides not to think about that right now because it’s only making her feel worse.
Quinn checks her phone and realizes that the battery’s about to run out. It’s 6:42 in the morning. There are thirteen text messages and three voicemails. She doesn’t have the energy to look through any of them.
The door swinging grabs her attention. She looks back at her phone and looks at the time before catching sight of the doctor that has stepped out to where they are.
Brittany’s still by the window when the doctor approaches Santana’s parents.
“Mr. and Mrs. Lopez?”
“Yes?”
Quinn can’t concentrate on what the doctor is saying because she’s too busy looking at Brittany who still hasn’t moved at all. She’s trying to pick up on the words but she’s only getting snippets - things about punctured lung, broken ribs, hard to breathe. She shifts her focus back and forth between the doctor, Santana’s parents and Brittany. She feels dizzy doing it, but she can’t decide who to pay more attention to - the doctor who’s trying to be calm, the parents that are in hysterics, or the girl that hasn’t done anything at all.
The doctor has gone back through the swinging doors. She can hear Mrs. Lopez sob and she has to fight back her gut feeling that there’s something wrong. She wants to vomit.
It’s 8:34 in the morning when the doctor comes back out. This time he looks completely defeated. She feels even sicker. Mr. and Mrs. Lopez stand from their chairs and quickly approach him. Quinn watches Brittany turn her head so she’s looking at the ground. But Quinn knows she’s listening.
The next thirty seconds is a blur when she hears the words ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘we did everything’. A flash of blonde, red and white from the corner of her eye dashes from the seat she’s taken by the window and charges through the operating room doors, disregarding loud protests coming from the adults. Quinn doesn’t hesitate when she runs after Brittany, maneuvering away from the doctors and nurses running after them.
She calls after Brittany and she’s frantically searching for her through what feels like endless sets of doors.
Quinn expects to find Brittany in hysterics. Instead, she finds Brittany beside Santana’s body covered with a white sheet up to her shoulders eerily silent and unmoving. Brittany doesn’t hear the nurse demanding them to get out. Quinn just ignores her.
She stands beside Brittany and holds her hand, but she doesn’t hold back, thinking that one of her oldest friends is lying on the metal table in front of her. She attempts to squelch down the sick feeling in her stomach.
Brittany pushes the nurse away when she leans forward and kisses Santana on the lips, like it would wake her up. Brittany’s hunched over and holding onto Santana. Even with her vision starting to blur, she tries to pull Brittany away.
“No. Stop. Please. No. No.”
She knows that Brittany’s just whispering those words, fighting back tears, but the sound of Brittany’s increasingly desperate pleas are deafening.
The doctor and the nurses are telling them to get out but it’s all a mess and Quinn can barely hold Brittany away.
She finally steps in front of Brittany trying to be strong for the both of them, and she slowly pushes her out of the room. She doesn’t look back, not when the nurse puts the sheet completely over Santana’s face.
She doesn’t let go of Brittany when they walk back out of the hall, just holds on tighter even if Brittany in front of her feels lifeless, too. Quinn needs this more than Brittany does, so she keeps holding on. Brittany doesn’t fight to break free at all and Quinn thinks about letting go.
But she feels arms wrap around her and a head land on her shoulder, tears wetting her shirt.
--
That same day, all of glee club skips the rest of the day and rushes over to the hospital.
It’s not even 24 hours when they pronounce Santana dead. Her lungs weren’t strong enough to deal with the injuries to keep breathing.
Everyone is consoling each other, Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, and Brittany. Quinn stays back from them because she can’t handle it. She’s standing behind a chair and grips the back of it tightly. No one’s approaching her and she wants to keep it that way. She watches Brittany from where she’s standing and notices how she has the same demeanor as earlier. There is a fearful tug in her chest that hopes that it isn’t permanent.
It’s not yet setting in that her best friend for most of her life is gone. It doesn’t make sense and it’s not fair.
It makes her want to kick the chairs and yell and scream and trash the place. But all she does is clench her jaws and keep herself from crying; grip the back of that chair or else she’s collapse.
She sees Rachel Berry look at her with her own tear-filled eyes and Rachel starts to walk over. She wants to say she needs to be left alone, but she’s quiet up until Rachel stands in front of her. They have never truly gotten along but what they have now, this understanding of civility is good enough and she’ll accept it.
When Rachel Berry, of all people, approaches her and tells her that she’s going to hug her, she doesn’t protest, just opens her arms and hugs back. Rachel whispers how unfair it is as she starts sniffling again, Quinn only holds on tighter.
She doesn’t think it’s fair at all, either.
--
PART TWO