Erotophobia
TITLE: Erotophobia
PAIRING: KoyaShige
WORD COUNT: 3,215
RATING: NC-17
NOTES: The fear of sexual feelings and their physical expression. THIS IS NOT A HAPPY FIC. It gets pretty angsty towards the end. Yes, I wrote sexy, angsty KoyaShige. It is possible.
Shige hates sex. He finds it dirty and humiliating, regardless of how vanilla it might be, but it is also ultimately unavoidable. He has to work with a compromise, one that his partner is unaware of, because who doesn't like sex? Shige just wants the comfort, the presence of the other person, but relationships take more than that, and with every girl he's ever dated, it's practically a war with himself to get it up and keep it that way. He'll use any excuse to get out of it: school, work, too much alcohol - anything to put off having sex. When he can't get away with that any more, he ends up going through the process as quickly as necessary. Never answering their breathy calls and sweet nothings, irritating his partner in the process, and ultimately, theirs is a relationship that doesn't last more than a few months. The fact that he's the man and has to take the lead makes the situation all the more unpleasant. Aren't guys supposed to be way into sex? Love it? It's always on their mind? He's learned how to fake talking about it well enough - he gets a lot of practice with Ryo and YamaPi, who first take his silence on the subject as being his being awkward and shy, but Shige quickly learns which lines and sentiments to emulate.
The fact that he might be a little too attracted to Koyama, and not entirely platonically, hits Shige in the chest like a sack of bricks one night during the summer, when Koyama's passed out on his couch after a movie-marathon and Shige can't figure out if he should wake up the other or not. He spends a long moment, crouched on the floor, just looking at Koyama's face, up-close, in a manner that he normally couldn't get away with. Shige reaches for Koyama's phone, turns the ringer to 'vibrate' so that if any one calls, it won't violently wake Koyama from his sleep, and then tucks a thin blanket around him before going to bed. While Shige lies in bed, clutching his body pillow and staring at the wall, he can't figure out what to do with the situation.
Some time in the fall, maybe October, they're all gathered for a photo shoot outside, and the weather just a little too cold for what they're wearing. Tegoshi and Masuda are running around, playing a two-person game of soccer while Ryo and YamaPi have their pictures taken together. Shige and Koyama are huddled on a bench, warm tea in their hands. Shige can feel Koyama's breath puff onto his shoulder, and the warmth from where their knees are touching. Shige looks up at the sky, feeling trapped, and shudders, just barely. Koyama, of course, feels it.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing... Don't worry about it."
Koyama scoots closer. "Shige."
There's a very long pause, in which Shige prays they'll be called over for pictures, but it never happens and Koyama pokes him in the hip.
"You'll always be my friend, right?"
Koyama gasps, like he's surprised Shige even needed to ask. "Yes, of course! What kind of a question is that? I'm not going any where, I promise!"
For some reason, at that moment, Shige feels a sharp crack run down his heart.
In late November, Koyama and Shige are drinking together, and some how, end up in a drunken pile on the floor, mouths sucking on skin, hands ripping at clothing. When Koyama puts his hand down Shige's pants, the former bites his lip until it bleeds, afraid that he'll say something, pushing away the only person in the world who actually might understand him. Koyama strokes him hard and fast, too drunk for finesse and when he comes, Shige makes only the tiniest sound in his throat, barely audible over Koyama's heavy breathing. Koyama pulls his hand out and wipes the mess on a napkin from their previous take-out dinner. He turns his attention back to Shige, palming his own crotch, and as much as Shige is coming to love Koyama in his own little messed up way, Shige is no less inclined to want to do anything sexual. But, he knows the situation requires he reciprocate the favor, and a part of Shige just wants to cry.
Neither of them had ever had a homosexual encounter prior to the November incident. But Koyama is determined to talk about and a few weeks later in December, he drags Shige into a tiny little conference room and locks the door.
"Did you hate it?" Koyama asks.
"Not for the reason you'd think."
"Do you never want me to bring it up again?"
"Um." Shige scratches the back of his neck, looking away.
"Shige," Koyama says, stepping closer. "This is different. But it's you, so I feel safe."
Shige doesn't answer.
"Do you- Do you want to try it? See how it works out?"
He can't bring himself to look at Koyama. Not because the idea disgusts him - it doesn't in the least - but because he can't bring himself to say, "As long as you never touch me sexually." Instead, Shige finds himself nodding, in an embarrassed manner, and then feeling Koyama's hand settle on his left hip. Koyama kisses him then, and it's the first one between them that Shige remembers clearly. It's nothing overly intimate, just Koyama's lips meeting Shige's, and he's about to think, This isn't so bad, when Koyama's tongue drags along his lower lip, the kind of action filled with sexual promises and Shige pulls away, covering his mouth with his hand.
"Ah, sorry!" Koyama laughs. "Baby steps. Baby steps."
And then they go back to practice.
In January, they have sex. It's during a tour, and they pair together for rooms. Shige isn't worried about it, they've had a long day, and it won't be hard to convince Koyama that he's too tired, and Why don't we just spoon and get a good night's rest? It doesn't work like that though. When Shige steps out of the bathroom, still damp from his shower, Koyama's sitting on Shige's bed, like he'd been waiting the whole time, a strangely feral look in his eyes. Shige swallows and feels his heart start pounding in his chest.
Koyama stands up and takes four big steps, until he's right in front of Shige, pulling the damp towel out of Shige's hands and tossing it on the floor. He runs his hands up Shige's torso, under his t-shirt. Shige shivers, and Koyama smiles.
"I can feel your heart. You're so nervous."
Not for the reasons you think.
"I'd never hurt you."
You don't stop to wonder if this could.
"I won't go any further than you want me to."
Then stop. Now.
When Koyama pulls off his shirt, pushes him back onto the bed, and runs his hands more freely over Shige's skin, it's not a completely foreign feeling, since Shige had let him get that far before. He presses soft kisses along Shige's collarbone and his ribs, thinking the pounding of Shige's chest is fright, but Shige knows better - he knows where this is going, and that it's Koyama, and if Koyama really wants it, Shige might not be able to refuse him, as much as he hates it. Shige clutches the top blanket tightly in his hands.
Koyama's hands scratch at Shige's hips, slipping under his track pants, slowly sliding them down and his tongue licks at Shige's belly button. He presses a wet kiss onto both hip bones, and Shige bites his tongue, covers his face with both hands. When Koyama looks up and notices, he reaches up and tugs on both of Shige's wrists, but they don't budge.
"What's wrong? Do you not want to?"
No!
"You have to tell me if you want me to stop."
But then. But then you'll know.
"Shige?"
And never look at me the same again.
"It’s okay," he finally forces out of his throat.
"Are you embarrassed?"
Shige nods, because it's easier than trying to speak.
Koyama kisses Shige's stomach, and he can feel him smiling. "It's just me, Shige. There's no reason to be."
Shige continues biting his tongue, hands over his face.
When Koyama pulls down Shige's pants the rest of the way and starts sucking on Shige's cock, the other finally makes a noise - a startled sob - that Koyama mistakes for surprise more than anything else. But Shige just wants to reach down, push Koyama off and take a scalding hot shower to get the dirty feeling off, even if that feeling will still be festering inside of him. The minutes drag on and Shige's about to tug on Koyama's shirt, when the other finally sits up, but keeps touching Shige, stroking him with a free hand.
"Shige," he says, voice rough, and idly, Shige wonders how hard Koyama is. "Will you..."
He peeks through his fingers, meeting Koyama's eyes, and he shivers.
"Please," he says, moving like Shige's already said ‘yes’, even though he's been silent this whole time. He tugs on Shige's wrists again, and when they don't move, he does it again, with more force, and Shige relents.
"Don't be scared," Koyama whispers, kissing Shige's cheek, and for a fleeting moment, Shige is able to delude himself into thinking the situation is anything but what it really is.
Koyama leans back against the headboard and waits for Shige, but he never moves from where he's lying on his back on the bedspread. Shige can practically feel Koyama frowning.
"Do you really not want to that much?"
No! I don't want to do any of this!
"I just-" Shige manages to choke out.
Koyama sighs. "It's okay." He scoots down on the bed, rolling on his side towards Shige and grabbing his closer hand, moving it to his hardness. "You can do this though, right?"
Shige closes his eyes, trying to force back the nauseous feeling that arises when he feels the weight of Koyama's erection in his hand. Tentatively, he squeezes his hand, and Koyama sighs, pitching his head forward and kissing Shige on the shoulder.
"It's just me, Shige," Koyama says again, rocking against him, ignorant of everything that Shige's body language is screaming, even if his mind doesn't have the willpower to say it to Koyama's face.
Shige tries to find a happy place, forget that he's even moving his hand; trick himself into believing that Koyama and him are just sleeping in the same bed, like they have so many times before and that nothing else is going on. But it fails. Miserably.
Koyama moves, reaching across Shige's body for something, and he uses it as an excuse to stop, but as he's moving his hand away, Koyama pinches his backside and says, "Keep going. I'm just getting something."
Shige bites his lip and doesn't immediately return to his previous activities. Koyama leans back, places a hand over Shige and restarts the motion. "This is your part, Shige," he whispers and kisses Shige's jaw. "Do it like this." And shows Shige exactly how he wants it.
When Koyama moves his hand away a minute later, Shige's falters in the rhythm and he has to make a great effort to keep it up. Koyama certainly notices, but he doesn't say anything. He puts a hand on Shige's hip and turns Shige more onto stomach, lying a little bit across Koyama's chest. Shige hears a popping noise and a few seconds later, Koyama's hand is on his ass, feeling strangely wet. It absently rubs for a period, seemingly getting Shige used to the feeling, before it grows bolder - having not received any complaints - and moves between Shige's leg, swiping a finger across his entrance.
Shige's entire body jerks and shudders and tries to pull away, fear and disgust overriding all other senses, but then Koyama's other hand is rubbing across his back, so gentle and soft, drawing them back together. "Shh, it's okay. Don't worry, Shige. I won't hurt you. I promise. I swear. Don't be scared."
Shige pulls his hand away from Koyama, who doesn't say anything on the matter. And when the first finger slides in, Shige bites into his knuckles, and that hurts (physically) more than anything else, but he needs a way to distract himself.
Koyama's still running a hand across Shige's back, pressing simple kisses against his skin, whispering to him, telling him not to be scared. He knows what he's doing. Koyama's going to take care of him.
A second finger teases him and presses in, and Shige can't help the fat tear that rolls down his cheek on onto the pillow. Koyama doesn't notice it and keeps talking. The fingers start to move out, and then press back in; mocking sex, and Shige bites into his knuckles harder, tasting blood. Koyama moves out from semi-underneath Shige, who rolls completely onto his stomach and presses his face into a pillow. He can feel Koyama between his legs, kissing his back, fingers still inside, stretching him. When the third finger enters, Shige's hips instinctively move away, and it's only Koyama's soft hand on his back that keeps Shige from bolting.
Koyama's growing impatient, and Shige can feel it in how he pulls out all three fingers, immediately followed by the sound of ripping foil, and then he's tugging Shige up by his hips and pressing against his backside.
"Shige," he moans. "Shige, this is your last chance to stop me."
He bites the pillow. "It's okay."
A hand falls on his hips, and then Koyama presses in, hot and hard, and the only thing that keeps Shige from screaming is stupid, ridiculous love.
"Oh God, Shige." Koyama pulls out and slides back in. "Oh, fuck. You feel- Ohhhh."
Shige feels the pillow rip, and he throws it onto the floor, and ends up biting his forearm instead, trying to distract himself from the gross feeling settling in his chest and stomach and mind. Koyama's still muttering things behind him, and part of Shige's brain thinks, It's no surprise that he'd be loud during sex, too. Shige feels Koyama's nose nuzzle the back of his head, loving and soft, and Shige can't control the sob that escapes his throat, silently begging Koyama to hurry up. Koyama kisses the shell of his ear and Shige feels like dying.
It's an eternity before Koyama finishes, reeling away from Shige's back, clutching Shige's hips too tightly, and he knows there will be 10 little bruises on them tomorrow. Tiny spasms run through Koyama's body, jostling Shige and making him feel all the more dirty. When Koyama finally pulls out, Shige's surprised that his mind let him survive that. Koyama runs both hands up Shige's back before turning him over, smiling, which turns to a frown once he takes a closer look.
"Shige," he says, sounding lost.
"I came."
Koyama's brows furrow. "Don't lie to me." He sees the dried blood on Shige's knuckles, and the giant bruise already forming on his forearm, taking it gently in his hands, like it's about to break. "Why didn't you say anything if it hurt so much?"
"It didn't really. Not that badly."
Koyama actually looks upset, and reaches for Shige face. But before he even realizes he's doing it, Shige's pushing Koyama away, jumping out of bed, only to feel a sharp pain run up his spine, and collapsing, barely catching himself on the wall.
"Shige!" Koyama's already beside him. "Relax! You need to relax."
He feels the lump in his throat growing, and tries to push Koyama away. "Leave me alone. Please." And the first tear falls.
Koyama looks crushed, like he's about to start crying himself. "Shige, what-"
Shige's heart starts pounding again, and he pushes Koyama away. Darting into the bathroom and locking the door before the other can react. Shige can hear him knocking frantically on the door, shouting his name, telling him to open the door. The tears aren't stopping, and when Shige looks in the giant mirror, he sees everything he hates about himself. He curls up in the bathtub, out of view of the mirror and cries himself to sleep.
When he wakes up, there's a crick in his neck and he's cold. He stands up and sees himself in the mirror - eyes bloodshot and puffy, on his forearm there's a nasty, nearly-black bruise the size of an apple, and on his hips, like he'd predicted, 10 little finger-sized spots. Shige stares at himself for a long moment, berating himself for his abnormality. He's openly surprised when he opens the bathroom door and Koyama comes tumbling in, sprawling out over the floor, blinking away sleep.
He looks up at Shige, but doesn't reach for him. "I'm sorry," he says, voice still rough from sleep. "Please forgive me."
"It's not your fault. It's mine."
Koyama stands up. "Please don't say that."
"But it's true."
"Shige, I hurt you, when I promised I wouldn't. It can't possibly be your fault."
"I was already hurt before that. You didn't do anything."
"Wha- Shige. That doesn't even make sense. Your arm is proof enough!"
Shige runs a hand over the bruise, wincing at the slight touch. "I had to distract myself."
Koyama covers his face with his hands. "Shige, I'm so sorry."
"Not from the pain," he continues. "From the feeling. It's disgusting." In his peripheral vision, Shige can see Koyama flinch. "It's not you though. It's me. Really. Regardless of who I'm with." Shige drops his arms, and looks past Koyama, at the tacky cottage painting across from the bathroom. "I hate sex."
They're both still and silent; Koyama processing the sudden information, and Shige waiting for him to move, so he can finally get dressed.
"Shige," he says quietly. "How- I- I don't get it. How could you toy with me like that?"
"It's just the sex. I really do like you."
Koyama moves his hands, looking at Shige, a thousand emotions in his eyes. "I don't get it."
"I know. It's weird. I'm weird. But I like it when you play with my hair, and send me text messages of nothing but hearts, and when our knees touch under tables and- And I like you. I just don't like sex. I'm sorry."
Koyama moves away, falling against the wall, underneath the painting.
Shige steps out of the bathroom, walking over to his bag and finally getting dressed, Koyama staying silent the entire time. When he's done, Shige crouches down on the floor next to him.
"I want you to be happy, because I like you. A lot," he says. "So let's end this. So you can find some one better."
Koyama doesn't move, and Shige's about to stand up, when he reaches out and takes one of Shige's hands. "But I want you to be happy."
"Don't turn the line back on me. Besides, I can't make you happy. It's impossible."
Koyama tugs Shige closer, until they're both side-by-side under the cottage painting, and Koyama holds Shige's hand against his cheek, like it's the only thing keeping him grounded and from completely breaking down.
"Let me go," Shige says softly, before feeling the first tear fall on his hand.
PAIRING: KoyaShige
WORD COUNT: 3,215
RATING: NC-17
NOTES: The fear of sexual feelings and their physical expression. THIS IS NOT A HAPPY FIC. It gets pretty angsty towards the end. Yes, I wrote sexy, angsty KoyaShige. It is possible.
Shige hates sex. He finds it dirty and humiliating, regardless of how vanilla it might be, but it is also ultimately unavoidable. He has to work with a compromise, one that his partner is unaware of, because who doesn't like sex? Shige just wants the comfort, the presence of the other person, but relationships take more than that, and with every girl he's ever dated, it's practically a war with himself to get it up and keep it that way. He'll use any excuse to get out of it: school, work, too much alcohol - anything to put off having sex. When he can't get away with that any more, he ends up going through the process as quickly as necessary. Never answering their breathy calls and sweet nothings, irritating his partner in the process, and ultimately, theirs is a relationship that doesn't last more than a few months. The fact that he's the man and has to take the lead makes the situation all the more unpleasant. Aren't guys supposed to be way into sex? Love it? It's always on their mind? He's learned how to fake talking about it well enough - he gets a lot of practice with Ryo and YamaPi, who first take his silence on the subject as being his being awkward and shy, but Shige quickly learns which lines and sentiments to emulate.
The fact that he might be a little too attracted to Koyama, and not entirely platonically, hits Shige in the chest like a sack of bricks one night during the summer, when Koyama's passed out on his couch after a movie-marathon and Shige can't figure out if he should wake up the other or not. He spends a long moment, crouched on the floor, just looking at Koyama's face, up-close, in a manner that he normally couldn't get away with. Shige reaches for Koyama's phone, turns the ringer to 'vibrate' so that if any one calls, it won't violently wake Koyama from his sleep, and then tucks a thin blanket around him before going to bed. While Shige lies in bed, clutching his body pillow and staring at the wall, he can't figure out what to do with the situation.
Some time in the fall, maybe October, they're all gathered for a photo shoot outside, and the weather just a little too cold for what they're wearing. Tegoshi and Masuda are running around, playing a two-person game of soccer while Ryo and YamaPi have their pictures taken together. Shige and Koyama are huddled on a bench, warm tea in their hands. Shige can feel Koyama's breath puff onto his shoulder, and the warmth from where their knees are touching. Shige looks up at the sky, feeling trapped, and shudders, just barely. Koyama, of course, feels it.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing... Don't worry about it."
Koyama scoots closer. "Shige."
There's a very long pause, in which Shige prays they'll be called over for pictures, but it never happens and Koyama pokes him in the hip.
"You'll always be my friend, right?"
Koyama gasps, like he's surprised Shige even needed to ask. "Yes, of course! What kind of a question is that? I'm not going any where, I promise!"
For some reason, at that moment, Shige feels a sharp crack run down his heart.
In late November, Koyama and Shige are drinking together, and some how, end up in a drunken pile on the floor, mouths sucking on skin, hands ripping at clothing. When Koyama puts his hand down Shige's pants, the former bites his lip until it bleeds, afraid that he'll say something, pushing away the only person in the world who actually might understand him. Koyama strokes him hard and fast, too drunk for finesse and when he comes, Shige makes only the tiniest sound in his throat, barely audible over Koyama's heavy breathing. Koyama pulls his hand out and wipes the mess on a napkin from their previous take-out dinner. He turns his attention back to Shige, palming his own crotch, and as much as Shige is coming to love Koyama in his own little messed up way, Shige is no less inclined to want to do anything sexual. But, he knows the situation requires he reciprocate the favor, and a part of Shige just wants to cry.
Neither of them had ever had a homosexual encounter prior to the November incident. But Koyama is determined to talk about and a few weeks later in December, he drags Shige into a tiny little conference room and locks the door.
"Did you hate it?" Koyama asks.
"Not for the reason you'd think."
"Do you never want me to bring it up again?"
"Um." Shige scratches the back of his neck, looking away.
"Shige," Koyama says, stepping closer. "This is different. But it's you, so I feel safe."
Shige doesn't answer.
"Do you- Do you want to try it? See how it works out?"
He can't bring himself to look at Koyama. Not because the idea disgusts him - it doesn't in the least - but because he can't bring himself to say, "As long as you never touch me sexually." Instead, Shige finds himself nodding, in an embarrassed manner, and then feeling Koyama's hand settle on his left hip. Koyama kisses him then, and it's the first one between them that Shige remembers clearly. It's nothing overly intimate, just Koyama's lips meeting Shige's, and he's about to think, This isn't so bad, when Koyama's tongue drags along his lower lip, the kind of action filled with sexual promises and Shige pulls away, covering his mouth with his hand.
"Ah, sorry!" Koyama laughs. "Baby steps. Baby steps."
And then they go back to practice.
In January, they have sex. It's during a tour, and they pair together for rooms. Shige isn't worried about it, they've had a long day, and it won't be hard to convince Koyama that he's too tired, and Why don't we just spoon and get a good night's rest? It doesn't work like that though. When Shige steps out of the bathroom, still damp from his shower, Koyama's sitting on Shige's bed, like he'd been waiting the whole time, a strangely feral look in his eyes. Shige swallows and feels his heart start pounding in his chest.
Koyama stands up and takes four big steps, until he's right in front of Shige, pulling the damp towel out of Shige's hands and tossing it on the floor. He runs his hands up Shige's torso, under his t-shirt. Shige shivers, and Koyama smiles.
"I can feel your heart. You're so nervous."
Not for the reasons you think.
"I'd never hurt you."
You don't stop to wonder if this could.
"I won't go any further than you want me to."
Then stop. Now.
When Koyama pulls off his shirt, pushes him back onto the bed, and runs his hands more freely over Shige's skin, it's not a completely foreign feeling, since Shige had let him get that far before. He presses soft kisses along Shige's collarbone and his ribs, thinking the pounding of Shige's chest is fright, but Shige knows better - he knows where this is going, and that it's Koyama, and if Koyama really wants it, Shige might not be able to refuse him, as much as he hates it. Shige clutches the top blanket tightly in his hands.
Koyama's hands scratch at Shige's hips, slipping under his track pants, slowly sliding them down and his tongue licks at Shige's belly button. He presses a wet kiss onto both hip bones, and Shige bites his tongue, covers his face with both hands. When Koyama looks up and notices, he reaches up and tugs on both of Shige's wrists, but they don't budge.
"What's wrong? Do you not want to?"
No!
"You have to tell me if you want me to stop."
But then. But then you'll know.
"Shige?"
And never look at me the same again.
"It’s okay," he finally forces out of his throat.
"Are you embarrassed?"
Shige nods, because it's easier than trying to speak.
Koyama kisses Shige's stomach, and he can feel him smiling. "It's just me, Shige. There's no reason to be."
Shige continues biting his tongue, hands over his face.
When Koyama pulls down Shige's pants the rest of the way and starts sucking on Shige's cock, the other finally makes a noise - a startled sob - that Koyama mistakes for surprise more than anything else. But Shige just wants to reach down, push Koyama off and take a scalding hot shower to get the dirty feeling off, even if that feeling will still be festering inside of him. The minutes drag on and Shige's about to tug on Koyama's shirt, when the other finally sits up, but keeps touching Shige, stroking him with a free hand.
"Shige," he says, voice rough, and idly, Shige wonders how hard Koyama is. "Will you..."
He peeks through his fingers, meeting Koyama's eyes, and he shivers.
"Please," he says, moving like Shige's already said ‘yes’, even though he's been silent this whole time. He tugs on Shige's wrists again, and when they don't move, he does it again, with more force, and Shige relents.
"Don't be scared," Koyama whispers, kissing Shige's cheek, and for a fleeting moment, Shige is able to delude himself into thinking the situation is anything but what it really is.
Koyama leans back against the headboard and waits for Shige, but he never moves from where he's lying on his back on the bedspread. Shige can practically feel Koyama frowning.
"Do you really not want to that much?"
No! I don't want to do any of this!
"I just-" Shige manages to choke out.
Koyama sighs. "It's okay." He scoots down on the bed, rolling on his side towards Shige and grabbing his closer hand, moving it to his hardness. "You can do this though, right?"
Shige closes his eyes, trying to force back the nauseous feeling that arises when he feels the weight of Koyama's erection in his hand. Tentatively, he squeezes his hand, and Koyama sighs, pitching his head forward and kissing Shige on the shoulder.
"It's just me, Shige," Koyama says again, rocking against him, ignorant of everything that Shige's body language is screaming, even if his mind doesn't have the willpower to say it to Koyama's face.
Shige tries to find a happy place, forget that he's even moving his hand; trick himself into believing that Koyama and him are just sleeping in the same bed, like they have so many times before and that nothing else is going on. But it fails. Miserably.
Koyama moves, reaching across Shige's body for something, and he uses it as an excuse to stop, but as he's moving his hand away, Koyama pinches his backside and says, "Keep going. I'm just getting something."
Shige bites his lip and doesn't immediately return to his previous activities. Koyama leans back, places a hand over Shige and restarts the motion. "This is your part, Shige," he whispers and kisses Shige's jaw. "Do it like this." And shows Shige exactly how he wants it.
When Koyama moves his hand away a minute later, Shige's falters in the rhythm and he has to make a great effort to keep it up. Koyama certainly notices, but he doesn't say anything. He puts a hand on Shige's hip and turns Shige more onto stomach, lying a little bit across Koyama's chest. Shige hears a popping noise and a few seconds later, Koyama's hand is on his ass, feeling strangely wet. It absently rubs for a period, seemingly getting Shige used to the feeling, before it grows bolder - having not received any complaints - and moves between Shige's leg, swiping a finger across his entrance.
Shige's entire body jerks and shudders and tries to pull away, fear and disgust overriding all other senses, but then Koyama's other hand is rubbing across his back, so gentle and soft, drawing them back together. "Shh, it's okay. Don't worry, Shige. I won't hurt you. I promise. I swear. Don't be scared."
Shige pulls his hand away from Koyama, who doesn't say anything on the matter. And when the first finger slides in, Shige bites into his knuckles, and that hurts (physically) more than anything else, but he needs a way to distract himself.
Koyama's still running a hand across Shige's back, pressing simple kisses against his skin, whispering to him, telling him not to be scared. He knows what he's doing. Koyama's going to take care of him.
A second finger teases him and presses in, and Shige can't help the fat tear that rolls down his cheek on onto the pillow. Koyama doesn't notice it and keeps talking. The fingers start to move out, and then press back in; mocking sex, and Shige bites into his knuckles harder, tasting blood. Koyama moves out from semi-underneath Shige, who rolls completely onto his stomach and presses his face into a pillow. He can feel Koyama between his legs, kissing his back, fingers still inside, stretching him. When the third finger enters, Shige's hips instinctively move away, and it's only Koyama's soft hand on his back that keeps Shige from bolting.
Koyama's growing impatient, and Shige can feel it in how he pulls out all three fingers, immediately followed by the sound of ripping foil, and then he's tugging Shige up by his hips and pressing against his backside.
"Shige," he moans. "Shige, this is your last chance to stop me."
He bites the pillow. "It's okay."
A hand falls on his hips, and then Koyama presses in, hot and hard, and the only thing that keeps Shige from screaming is stupid, ridiculous love.
"Oh God, Shige." Koyama pulls out and slides back in. "Oh, fuck. You feel- Ohhhh."
Shige feels the pillow rip, and he throws it onto the floor, and ends up biting his forearm instead, trying to distract himself from the gross feeling settling in his chest and stomach and mind. Koyama's still muttering things behind him, and part of Shige's brain thinks, It's no surprise that he'd be loud during sex, too. Shige feels Koyama's nose nuzzle the back of his head, loving and soft, and Shige can't control the sob that escapes his throat, silently begging Koyama to hurry up. Koyama kisses the shell of his ear and Shige feels like dying.
It's an eternity before Koyama finishes, reeling away from Shige's back, clutching Shige's hips too tightly, and he knows there will be 10 little bruises on them tomorrow. Tiny spasms run through Koyama's body, jostling Shige and making him feel all the more dirty. When Koyama finally pulls out, Shige's surprised that his mind let him survive that. Koyama runs both hands up Shige's back before turning him over, smiling, which turns to a frown once he takes a closer look.
"Shige," he says, sounding lost.
"I came."
Koyama's brows furrow. "Don't lie to me." He sees the dried blood on Shige's knuckles, and the giant bruise already forming on his forearm, taking it gently in his hands, like it's about to break. "Why didn't you say anything if it hurt so much?"
"It didn't really. Not that badly."
Koyama actually looks upset, and reaches for Shige face. But before he even realizes he's doing it, Shige's pushing Koyama away, jumping out of bed, only to feel a sharp pain run up his spine, and collapsing, barely catching himself on the wall.
"Shige!" Koyama's already beside him. "Relax! You need to relax."
He feels the lump in his throat growing, and tries to push Koyama away. "Leave me alone. Please." And the first tear falls.
Koyama looks crushed, like he's about to start crying himself. "Shige, what-"
Shige's heart starts pounding again, and he pushes Koyama away. Darting into the bathroom and locking the door before the other can react. Shige can hear him knocking frantically on the door, shouting his name, telling him to open the door. The tears aren't stopping, and when Shige looks in the giant mirror, he sees everything he hates about himself. He curls up in the bathtub, out of view of the mirror and cries himself to sleep.
When he wakes up, there's a crick in his neck and he's cold. He stands up and sees himself in the mirror - eyes bloodshot and puffy, on his forearm there's a nasty, nearly-black bruise the size of an apple, and on his hips, like he'd predicted, 10 little finger-sized spots. Shige stares at himself for a long moment, berating himself for his abnormality. He's openly surprised when he opens the bathroom door and Koyama comes tumbling in, sprawling out over the floor, blinking away sleep.
He looks up at Shige, but doesn't reach for him. "I'm sorry," he says, voice still rough from sleep. "Please forgive me."
"It's not your fault. It's mine."
Koyama stands up. "Please don't say that."
"But it's true."
"Shige, I hurt you, when I promised I wouldn't. It can't possibly be your fault."
"I was already hurt before that. You didn't do anything."
"Wha- Shige. That doesn't even make sense. Your arm is proof enough!"
Shige runs a hand over the bruise, wincing at the slight touch. "I had to distract myself."
Koyama covers his face with his hands. "Shige, I'm so sorry."
"Not from the pain," he continues. "From the feeling. It's disgusting." In his peripheral vision, Shige can see Koyama flinch. "It's not you though. It's me. Really. Regardless of who I'm with." Shige drops his arms, and looks past Koyama, at the tacky cottage painting across from the bathroom. "I hate sex."
They're both still and silent; Koyama processing the sudden information, and Shige waiting for him to move, so he can finally get dressed.
"Shige," he says quietly. "How- I- I don't get it. How could you toy with me like that?"
"It's just the sex. I really do like you."
Koyama moves his hands, looking at Shige, a thousand emotions in his eyes. "I don't get it."
"I know. It's weird. I'm weird. But I like it when you play with my hair, and send me text messages of nothing but hearts, and when our knees touch under tables and- And I like you. I just don't like sex. I'm sorry."
Koyama moves away, falling against the wall, underneath the painting.
Shige steps out of the bathroom, walking over to his bag and finally getting dressed, Koyama staying silent the entire time. When he's done, Shige crouches down on the floor next to him.
"I want you to be happy, because I like you. A lot," he says. "So let's end this. So you can find some one better."
Koyama doesn't move, and Shige's about to stand up, when he reaches out and takes one of Shige's hands. "But I want you to be happy."
"Don't turn the line back on me. Besides, I can't make you happy. It's impossible."
Koyama tugs Shige closer, until they're both side-by-side under the cottage painting, and Koyama holds Shige's hand against his cheek, like it's the only thing keeping him grounded and from completely breaking down.
"Let me go," Shige says softly, before feeling the first tear fall on his hand.