The Star and His Moon
Summary: Sirius Black, the most popular boy in Hogwarts harbours a secret; he's in love with his best friend, Remus. Then mix in revelations, jealous boyfriend and James' involvement. Can the star ever attain his moon?
Pairing: Remus/Sirius.
Rating: PG-13 for this chapter, NC-17 overall.
THE STAR AND HIS MOON
Part 1
It had been on their fifth year when the Marauders once again discovered a secret of Remus'.
They had found out about his preference for boys rather than girls. He had told the other three about it and to his utter surprise and amazement, they had accepted the news so well that he was left gobsmacked.
"Well, that's fine and jolly, Moony. This means that Prongs here wouldn't need to worry about his darling Lily to be smitten by you," Sirius had said lightly; looking as if Remus had just told him that the weather for the day was sunny.
"Hey! Don't worry Moony, I had never doubted you. Stupid Sirius here had just decided to tag that comment randomly," James reassured to him and complained to the other in one go.
"Wha- You're all...fine with this?"
All three looked back at him simultaneously.
"Why shouldn't we?" Asked Sirius confusedly with a cock of his head.
"Well, I mean, it's not a usual news to be blurted out just like that and I-"
"Remus darling Moony, relax. We didn't try to run away from you when we found out about your furry little problem, so why should we freak over this?" James spoke with a sincere tone.
Remus found that he didn't have an answer to that question.
"It's fine, Remus. You're still you, so we're not going to act differently around you just because we knew about your preference," Peter had quipped reassuringly.
Hearing their comforting words, the golden-haired boy felt an amazing feeling of relief sweeping through him. He still didn't know what he'd done to ever receive this unwavering loyalty and friendship from them, but hell if he'd ever give it up.
"How come I have a feeling as if the three of you had been expecting this?" Remus asked while suspiciously peering into the three faces in front of him.
Sirius and James had been able to avoid his gaze, being the mischievous boys that they were, but Peter hadn't been so lucky.
"A-ah, well, Moony, we were sorta...expecting a confession of some sort. Since, um, we knew about it beforehand..." the quiet boy stuttered in reply.
"How?" Remus didn't know how they could've found out about it. After all, he'd never dated anyone or did anything with any other boys.
"Oh, from an...informant," Sirius put in easily, remaining vague in his answer.
Remus, knowing that there was no point for him to try and get the truth out of his three closest friends, decided to accept the somewhat unclear answer. The three could keep a secret to their grave, after all, and if they wanted to hide something, they could do it better than anyone else. Just like how they've kept Remus' biggest secret throughout all these years.
"Fine. I'm just glad that you three didn't take the news negatively," he said in relief.
The trio merely grinned.
"So, anyone caught our dear Remy's interest yet?"
It was a month after what they'd all dubbed 'Moony's Confession' and James had decided to ask this question for the second time since they became open about it.
Remus sighed before replying,
"No, James. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I'll start jumping any guy that crossed my path."
James dropped the conversation after that.
It wasn't that he'd been merely curious, but rather because he'd been hoping Remus would give a reply that might give some sort of indication as to whether he was interested with a certain ebony-haired boy or not.
James Potter was not stupid, despite how Lily would argue to that point, and therefore realised about Sirius' feelings even when the other boy didn't tell him anything. It had been obvious from the longing glances and fond smiles that the Hogwart's heartthrob gave towards Remus' direction in secret glances and moments.
James had been lucky over the fact that he knew the other boy so well. Sirius and he always act like brothers, and due to this, he was able to notice the different way with which Sirius acted towards their studious Marauder.
He often wondered -when his mind wasn't occupied by the thoughts of Lily- as to why Sirius didn't just confess to the other boy about his feelings. He wasn't one to keep his feelings; Sirius had always been brutally honest in that way, preferring to say things out loud rather than bottling up his feelings and risked misunderstanding.
But he also knew that this time, the situation has a much higher stake; their friendship would be on the line if the two of them were to drift apart because of it.
So he remained silent, watching his two best friends; waiting until the chance for him to possibly help them get together came.
Sirius, James and Peter were sitting on the floor of their dormitory room planning their newest prank when the fourth Marauder stepped into the room. All three looked up and couldn't help but wonder about the reason as to why Remus was smiling for no reason.
"Sooo, what is it this time, Moony?" Sirius asked, he knew he seemed to be nonchalant to his friend's answer, but in reality, his whole being would always focus their attention on the boy standing in front of him more than anyone else.
Being in love with one of your own best friends was proving to be more difficult and painful than Sirius had ever thought. He'd never told anyone about this more-than-platonic feeling of his; not wanting their friendship to become uncomfortable because of it.
He always thought that it was a futile love even from the beginning, thinking that his straight friend would always be out of his reach. That is, until the big revelation that Lily figured out. Her bright mind saw through Remus' lack of interest in girls and after telling her not-quite-boyfriend about it, James had promptly told Sirius about it.
Sirius didn't know how in the world his pseudo brother figured out that he wouldn't be reacting negatively about this bit of news. After that, they'd breached the subject slowly and subtlety to Peter and to their relief, he'd been perfectly fine with things like that.
Therefore, they weren't surprised when Remus decided to tell them of his secret. Sirius wasn't disgusted or feel anything remotely dislike towards this; in contrary, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of the blasted hope that his feelings might not have to stay unrequited forever.
He tried to stop himself from hoping, he really did, but despite his mind telling himself that Remus was just too good for him with his perfect marks, manners and kindest heart; his heart wasn't going to be deterred.
"Well, I have something to tell you three," Remus began, an air of nervousness around him.
"What is it?"
The three sitting Marauders gave the standing one their complete attention.
"Prongs, you know how you're always asking as to whether someone caught my attention or not? Well, someone did. He just confessed to me and I said yes. So now I'm dating him," Remus told them all with a smile.
Sirius felt his heart broke into tiny little pieces.
"That's great, Moony! You should introduce him to us!"
Sirius couldn't help but felt the pain in his chest amplifying with the pretense that he had to put up.
He didn't realise that James had turned towards his direction in surprise at his words. Padfoot is in love with Remus, so why did he...
"Okay, Sirius, I can introduce him to you guys, but he's rather shy, so I have to ask him first," Moony answered.
"Who is he?" This time, it was Peter who asked the question.
"Well...he's Tim Jennings from Ravenclaw," the answer surprised the other three Marauders. Jennings was a very well-known smart and polite Ravenclaw student with his own fair share of admirers. He had a face that most would call as cute and sweet.
"Didn't know cuties were your type, Moony," Sirius teased.
They all laughed at seeing a great blush creeping up the skinny boy's face.
"Okay, why don't you just invite him over tomorrow since it'll be Saturday and we'll do a get to know each other here?" James suggested.
"Okay. I'll tell him tomorrow," Remus answered easily.
They started to talk about the usual mundane things for the next ten minutes when Sirius suddenly stood up and excuse himself,
"Need to go to the loo."
James stared at his retreating back with a knowing look; his mind automatically knew just why his best friend needed the bathroom trip.
As soon as he stepped himself into the dorm shower cubicle, Sirius locked the door and leaned against it before he let himself released the shaky sobs that he'd been holding back all this time. He'd ensured that no one else would come into the dorm bathroom and silenced his surroundings before letting his mask to drop.
Him, the happy-go-lucky Sirius Black who'd never shed any tears even from the tortures that his mother beat into him since he was a little boy no more than eight, finally couldn't hold it in anymore.
The rivulets of tears travelled down his cheeks at the knowledge that his dream of happiness would forever stay the way it was; simply a dream. Chocking out a bitter laugh, he couldn't help but feel that this was inevitable. What were the chances that someone as kind and perfect as Remus would want someone as scarred and dirty as him?
People might think that he was the better one; he had the name, the look and the brain for it all, but he'd never think this way. Remus was undoubtedly the better one. He'd never let his condition bring him down, braving through his days with determination. Despite what had been done to him, the turning that cursed him for life, he was courageous enough to let himself to care and opened his heart to trust others. He'd always been unfailingly kind and hard-working; while Sirius had always hid himself behind the façade of the popular boy that everyone would want to be.
Remus' genuine nature, honesty, kindness and bravery made it impossible for Sirius not to fall for him.
And now that Sirius' dream was shattered, there was nothing he could do but braved himself on. He has to smile for Remus' happiness; he has to learn to let go and accept the fact that his secret wish would forever be unattainable.
At least Remus' boyfriend seems like a nice guy... Sirius thought with a wry smile. If his choice of boyfriend was a bad one, Sirius didn't know what he would do. Would he end up being the one who break them up and cause Remus' smile to dim? Or would he simply let Remus go through with it, only to feel guilty when the other broke Remus' heart? Both choices didn't sound appealing to him.
He let out a chocked laugh at his own current state. If other people saw him like this, they would undoubtedly think that the end of the world was near. After all, wasn't he the rumoured all around ladies' man?
While Sirius had never denied any of these rumours, he also had never confirmed it.
Everyone in Hogwarts -especially Minnie, he thought with a snicker- would be completely shocked if they found out that the great playboy Sirius Black was a virgin in all things considered. He'd never even kissed anybody, much less do things anymore intimate than that, and yet everyone assumed that he was the great expert when it comes to sex.
He didn't know who started the first rumour, but he had a feeling that it had been a girl who'd either hate him and wanted to sully his name or a girl who had a crush on him. Both options didn't matter to him, for at the time, his mind was completely preoccupied with the trouble brewing with his mother.
By the time he'd solved his problem with his family forever (by walking out of his ancestral home and living with the Potters), the rumour had stuck and he was suddenly known as the playboy of Hogwarts.
He had never cared about other people think of him, but he did felt like explaining himself to Remus when he found out that his fellow Marauders had also believed what the rumours were saying. Since they had known about his family problems, they had assumed that he'd been dating girls after girls as a mean to escape the problem.
He tried to deny it once, but the other three had somehow thought he was joking. Feeling somewhat lost as to how he could explain to them that it was all a big, made-up lie, he'd stopped trying to deny anything.
Now that he found out about Remus' new relationship, he didn't see any point in denying it anymore. Let them think what they want to think; he was suddenly tired from all the masks he had to pull up and all the feelings he had to lock away.
Sighing and leaning his head against the cubicle door, his body slid down and he hugged his knees into his body; hiding his wet face within the circle of his arms. He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there for, but the chill was starting to get to him. It was getting close to winter and he was only wearing a pair of thin t-shirt with jeans.
Stepping out towards the front of the sink, he grimaced at his reflection. He looked horrible. His nose was red and his eyes were bloodshot and blotchy from all the crying he'd been doing. I look like hell, he thought; all the while cringing at his face.
He twisted the sink tap open and splashed cold water onto his face. His body jolted at the initial freeze, but it quickly got used to the water temperature. After ensuring that he looked somewhat presentable, he applied a drying charm over his face. He could put on disguise charm over his face, but he didn't think his current condition needed it.
After practicing his smiles for a few minutes in front of the mirror to ensure that it didn't look unnatural, he cancelled the silencing and locking charm around the bathroom and stepped back into the dorm room.
His walk up the stairs towards the Marauders' dorm room today was heavy and slow. He always used to love to come up into the room and share his outrageous stories and prank ideas to the others, but today, going back into his safe haven was the last thing he wanted to do.
Pausing in front of the door, he could clearly hear James' laugh, Remus' chuckle and Peter's talking voice from inside the room. Taking a deep breath to calm himself, he flawlessly placed his Padfoot mask back on again and turned the knob before stepping inside.
The three occupants turned at his return. They were clearly telling each other jokes about something, as they were identically flushed from laughter. He grinned widely in his usual fashion,
"So, what did I miss?"
When Sirius woke up the next morning, he realised right away that Remus' bed was unusually empty. It was Saturday and it was their tradition to walk towards the Great Hall together for breakfast on Saturdays. James and Peter preferred to sleep in, so Remus and Sirius used to always eat their breakfast together; just the two of them.
Not anymore, he has a boyfriend now, remember?
Smiling a wry smile, the dog animagus started his trek towards the bathroom. He felt like a fresh, cold shower was in order to make himself look presentable to everyone else. He made his way down towards the great hall fifteen minutes later, and as soon as he stepped into the hall, he'd wished he was somewhere else.
Remus was sitting quite comfortably and in close proximity with his new boyfriend. They looked good together...Sirius ruefully admitted despite how much he hated the fact. The new couple acted like they were the only two people in the huge room; smiling and laughing at each other with identical look of affection. Sirius felt his appetite quickly dwindling the longer he stood at the entryway staring at them.
Just when he'd decided that enough was enough, he didn't see the need for breakfast anymore; Remus turned at his direction and caught his gaze. He forced himself to place his grin back in place and started to walk towards the couple. His legs felt like it was made of lead from the way it stuck firmly on the ground.
Forcing himself to approach the new couple, he placed himself in front of his unrequited love and smiled at them both.
"So, how's our new couple going?"
Jennings seemed genuinely surprised at his sudden question. From his reaction, Sirius guessed that Remus hasn't told him about the fact that the Marauders knew about their relationship. Sirius smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring manner before going on with his explanation,
"Jennings, Remus told us about the two of you yesterday and we're fine with it all."
Jennings looked relieved. Before the raven-haired Gryffindor was forced to talk anymore, Lily Evans stepped into their small circle and seated herself next to Sirius.
"Good morning Remus, Jennings!"
"Hello to you too, Evans," Sirius commented sarcastically at her lack of greeting for him. Lily turned to him with a smile before replying, "Morning to you, Mr. Black. I didn't realise you were there."
The Marauders knew about how much Sirius and Lily loved to tease each other; acting as if they were enemies when they were anything but. Times had changed them for the better and the unregistered dog animagus had become close friends with the intelligent, red-haired girl. Lily Evans had also learnt to forgive James for all of his past stupidities and they were now almost, not quite, a couple. Thus, she was the one girl that would be seen normal in conversing with the infamous Marauders.
"Haha. Very funny," commented the raven-haired dryly before turning his complete attention to his breakfast; feeling eternally grateful for his best friend's future girlfriend's entry. Now I can concentrate on my food and quickly get out of here.
He didn't want to be seen as rude and brought himself into the conversation that the other three students were having. If he acted out of character, Remus would probably think that Sirius wasn't sincere in his happiness at the brown-haired boy's new relationship. He couldn't have one of his best friends feeling sad or let any misunderstanding to pass between them; so he told himself to act and react as he usually did.
But that didn't mean that he wouldn't escape from the painful scene when given the opportunity. As soon as he finished his food and the other three seemed to be enthusiastically engaged in a three-way conversation, Sirius excused himself and made himself quite scarce. Not wanting to face his other two best friends just yet, he found himself walking towards the direction of the Astronomy tower.
He knew there was no way in the world that there would be anything worth looking at in the sky at this time of the day, but it was due to that very reason he could avoid any unwanted company. An ugly, green emotion was rising within him and he needed time to cool down and prevent himself to act in his usual brash way and hurt anybody because of it.
It was an hour later when he returned to the dorm. When he entered the Marauders' room, he was greet by the sight of his three best friends conversing and laughing with Jennings. So deep was he in his contemplation he'd forgotten about the meeting that they were going to have with Remus' boyfriend.
So much for avoiding the painful truth. Merlin must hate me.
Mentally sighing at the unavoidable meeting, he stepped into the room with his mask perfectly in place. James turned at the sound of the door being opened and grinned at him.
"Sirius! You're just in time. We were going to tell Jennings here about the time when we snuck into Hogsmeade last year."
"Nice, Prongs. You were being very specific there. Narrow it down from about twenty to one specific time, will you?"
James glared at his sarcastic comment while Jennings was looking quite in awe at the ebony-haired boy's words.
"You snuck out into Hogsmeade for twenty times?"
"Well, around that. We always need to go on regular basis because of James and my rebellious nature and also to make sure that Remy's pile of chocolate wasn't dwindling too little," teased Sirius with a grin on his face.
Remus looked affronted at his words.
"Hey! Just because I love my chocolate doesn't mean that I'm telling you to sneak out and buy them! You've always decided to stuff me with Honeyduke's chocolate specialty yourself anyway," but his words were without heat and he couldn't help himself from grinning at Sirius' words.
"Guilty. But that doesn't mean that you tried to stop us from doing it. You knew about the treats that would be coming on your way every time we decided to go out," Sirius replied back.
The banter went on for quite awhile with James and Peter involving themselves in it and Jennings questioning them of their adventures and pranks. He seemed to be genuinely impressed by the things that the Marauders got up to and he was easily included into that night's conversations. There weren't any of the expected awkward silences and all five of them were relieved at the easy atmosphere that Sirius and James managed to bring up. After all, it was obvious that the two pranksters were always at the centre of all of the commotions that night; never leaving anyone feeling left out and always coming up with the funniest topics to talk about.
Sirius himself was just glad that he was able to act normally in front of everyone else. The hurt from his heartbreak was still there, but it was able to be soothed through his interactions with Remus and his friends' comforting presence. Jennings was a nice guy and Sirius couldn't find it in himself to dislike Remus' boyfriend. He knew that he felt a great jealousy towards the other teen, but Sirius didn't see the point of acting hostile to someone so amiable who made Remus happy.
He knew that there would be times when he'd feel like he did just before though, but he decided that he would deal with it as they come. For now, he could immerse himself in pulling pranks and spending as much of his time having fun with his friends rather than wallowing in self pity. It wouldn't be like him if he was to change and he didn't want anybody to suspect his deeper-than-platonic feelings towards Remus.
He told himself to settle for Remus' friendship. It was far more than what he'd deserved considering what he'd nearly made Remus do at the end of last year. The incident with Snape still left a bitter taste in his tongue and mind. Remus had forgiven him after only a month of silence and Sirius felt a deep gratitude for his friend's forgiving nature and kindred soul. He knew that it was way less than what he'd deserved, but he couldn't complain in happiness of what he was able to gain back.
There were times when Remus couldn't put his full trust in him anymore and Sirius knew that it was due to his own doing and even though he'd do anything to turn back the time, he realised that he'd have to live with this mistake. Hopefully as time passed, Remus would be able to trust him like before. This meant that he would have to prove himself worthy of his friend's trust. He'd have to keep his feelings inside himself, for fear of another reason for Remus to avoid him and be wary of him.
If Remus found out of this truth, this time he might not ever trust him ever again. Sirius couldn't afford that and so he forced himself to stay silent and be grateful for all that he has.
His drive to nearly cause their -and especially Remus'- expulsion was caused by a deeper reason than simply boredom and hatred towards the Slytherin rival. It was because he'd been jealous. Remus had been nice and paying an unnatural amount of attention towards Snape during their fourth year. He'd always been polite to the Slytherin git, unlike his other three friends from the start, but that year had been the breaking point for Sirius who'd realised about his feelings towards his fellow Marauder.
Remus had always tried to stop his three best friends from taunting Snape, but despite his apologies and helps, the black-haired Slytherin had always been snobbish and rude towards the brown-haired boy. One day, on the afternoon just before full moon, Sirius had met Snape on his way to the Shack.
"Black, fancy seeing you alone and not with those stupid friends of yours."
Sirius walked past the other boy, not wanting to start a fight. Remus and the others would be waiting for him and he didn't want to be late. Snape didn't seem to like being ignored though, for he continued,
"Are you having a fight with them? So the great Sirius Black is alone now?"
Sirius couldn't help but paused at the mocking comment.
"Go away, Snape. I'm not fighting with any of them. It's none of your business anyway."
"You think anyone would listen to you just because you're a Black, don't you? Not everyone else is like that Lupin friend of yours."
"Don't you dare to bring Remus into this," growled Sirius; his anger barely able to be restrained.
"Well it's true, isn't it? He's a weakling, that one. Just like Pettigrew. He probably befriended you and that idiot Potter because he wanted to be popular. Such a sad existence," sneered the other boy.
Sirius saw red and turned before launching himself at the other teen. He'd landed punches at Snape's face, forgetting fact that he was able to do magic. The Slytherin student got some and managed to avoid some of the hits that were aimed towards him.
"Don't ever say that again, you hear me? Remus is way braver than any of us, especially you, you self-centred prick! You don't understand the pain he has to go through months after months! So don't you dare say anything like that against him or you'll be ensured of pain forever!"
Sirius had promptly run off, his mind realising that he was late for the full moon. He didn't think twice about his words and it wasn't until the incident happened the next month that he realised the implications that his words brought. Snape had listened to his words and got curious about Remus; leading to finding out about his lycanthropy.
Sirius had regretted his irresponsible words. He wasn't thinking and it nearly cost Remus his dream. This time he would stay silent and keep his feelings locked inside.
He'd thought that with this, everything would be alright. Remus would continue to happily date Jennings, he would stay silent and James and Peter would end up dating their respective crushes. He didn't count on the little accident that would cause misunderstanding and chaos between the newly formed couple and him.
TBC
Part 2