The Star and His Moon
THE STAR AND HIS MOON
Part 5
Sirius let out a loud sigh into the empty air surrounding him. It was peaceful here; he knew that he'll hardly ever get disturbed in this place as students don't usually visit this part of the school often. The only reason that he was able to feel comfortable being around the area was due to the fact that the Marauders spend their time often here in their other forms on full moon nights. It wasn't deep enough into the forest to be completely unsafe; he'd simply sat on his favourite spot where he would still be able to be spotted if people are looking at him in the right place.
He had felt constrained earlier in the day; his light phobia of small space was finally rearing its ugly head after he spent the past few days staying within the dorm room. His stupid mother with her lock-in method of punishment that he'd had to go through when he was small had made staying in a small room for prolonged amount of time impossible.
He didn't blame Remus for being angry at him. After all, it was completely his fault that such a thing happened. He shouldn't have tried anything; Remus was clearly in love with his boyfriend, it was completely understandable that he would go on his boyfriend's side. Wouldn't it?
But despite anything, he'd felt betrayed because he knew that whatever happens in their life, Sirius knew that he'd always be on Remus -and Marauders' side- for anything. So why did Remus deemed Jennings important enough to be defended? More important than Sirius, who would be ready to lay his life for Remus'?
Why wasn't he enough?
His mother's words came back to haunt him. She'd always been somewhat sickly happy whenever she got to insult and hurl painful words in his direction. He still remembered the last words he'd heard upon stepping out of his family home for the last time at the end of last school year.
"You're a disappointment, Sirius! You'll never be enough for anybody! No one would be able to love someone as weak and filled with failure like you!"
He'd pretended to himself that he didn't care. But he knew that he'd cared. Of course he cared. Despite how much he hated her, she was his mother. If his own mother didn't want him - deemed him as a failure - who would?
No one, apparently, he thought with a dry, humourless chuckle. At least no one that I wanted to actually want me.
A movement in the bush nearby startled him out of his depressing stupor. Knowing that it'll be his friends trying to find him, he felt compelled to call out. There was no point in hiding. It was probably James, and his pseudo-brother always knew when he tried to hide.
"I'm here, Prongs. No need to skulk around hiding all the way over there," he called out playfully.
He was expecting a sheepish grin from a raven-haired boy. Thus, he was completely unprepared when the last person he'd expected to be here came out from the hidden shadow of the trees.
"Re - Remus?" He whispered.
Remus stood silently at his spot for a few moments before starting his trek in Sirius' direction. He couldn't believe it. It really was Remus. His Moony who was angry at him - probably on the way to hating him - is actually here. It showed that he might've been worried about Sirius. It would mean that he cared, right?
"How -"
"You suddenly disappeared from the room and everyone's worried."
"Oh." It was probably James, then. James probably made Remus searched for him even though he didn't want to. The other boy was just too kind that way.
"I'm okay. You can go and tell him that, Moo- Remus," Sirius replied with a forced light tone. Inside his head, a chanting of act normal, act normal had gone off since the other boy made his appearance.
Remus cocked his head sideways in a posture of contemplation, and then he replied, "Nah, I think I'll stay here with you for awhile."
Sirius couldn't believe his ears. "What?" He asked disbelievingly while turning widened eyes towards Remus' direction.
"Well, the lake is a beautiful spot, especially in this weather, even if it is almost too cold," the brunet replied; his words and voice managing to remain calm and controlled like usual. It was as if the fact that he hadn't talked to Sirius for these last few days didn't affect him the slightest, as if Sirius didn't even matter-
But of course. He wasn't the one in love with their best friend. He wasn't the one who betrayed the said friend's trust for the second time. He was on his way to forgetting Sirius for real. He has a loving boyfriend now; soon there will be no need for Sirius to be in his life anymore. Remus didn't need him like he needed Remus; like he needed the very air that he breathed. Sirius wasn't needed, he wasn't wanted.
God, that hit harder than I thought, he thought absent-mindedly at the pain that seemed to have punched through his gut at his depressing thought.
Not knowing as to whether he could speak to his friends in his usual manner or not, Sirius chose to stay quiet this time around. He really didn't want to make another mistake by saying something stupid once again; something that he seemed to do once too often. Even if he'd never done it on purpose.
"So…any particular reason as to why you suddenly decided to worry James and Peter?" Remus asked.
Sirius felt as if slapped at the blatant statement that shows the fact that Remus did not, in fact, cared for, and worry for him anymore. He kept his feature still and prayed to Merlin that the initial flinch that he'd done instinctively went unnoticed by the other boy.
But it seemed as if luck wasn't on his side for Remus had been looking sideways and watching him when it happened. If he was any other person, he might've missed the slight flinch, but unluckily, he wasn't just anyone. He was Remus Lupin, one of Sirius Black's best friend and his number one confidant before this whole mess started.
"Sirius? I'm sorry if I said -"
"No! You've - you've got nothing to apologise for. You've never done anything wrong, Moo - Remus." This time the not-so-swift change of his name registered in Remus' mind. He found himself face to face with Sirius when the other boy turned his face in his way fully for the first time that night.
"It's fine. You didn't do anything wrong," Sirius replied with a trying smile. He seemed tired and withdrawn.
Sirius' cheekbones seemed somewhat sharper than usual; and there were definite eye-bags under his eyes that shone with exhaustion and pain. And the main thing that worried Remus the most was the somewhat puffy look to those grey eyes he loved so much. Had Sirius been crying? How had he failed to notice it before? Remus felt somewhat foolish upon thinking negative thoughts on his friend when he was faced with the clear show of pain that his friend must've gone through. Clearly Sirius wouldn't be a selfish git that Remus accused him of if he felt the loss of Remus so strongly. Maybe Lily was right in her assumption. Maybe what he'd always wanted was right there in front of him. He just needs to have the courage to finally grasp it.
"Sirius -"
"How've you been? And Jennings?" Sirius cut him off for the second time that night. It seemed as if he was afraid of what Remus might say.
Remus humoured him with a reply, "Good. We've been good. A bit busy with all the assignments that are due for the past few days, but we managed to finish it quite early."
Sirius mentally sighed. Of course they'll be good. Jennings is a good influence on Moony. Moony had always been distracted by them and somehow was always forced to do most of his assignments at the last moments. Now that the bad influence of the other three Marauders wasn't there, he was able to do what he'd always wanted. Finishing his schoolwork in peace; with someone who understands him. Jennings was a suitable choice for his Moony.
I really should give up.
The thought had crossed his mind hundreds of time before; and a few hundred more during his contemplation time in the past few days.
It wasn't as if he wasn't trying, he really did. But somehow; in every single time he resolved himself to do it, there would always be something - be it small or big - that Remus did that'll make him change his mind. Gave him false hope. And made him realise in the process that it was getting more and more impossible for him to escape from the feelings that he felt towards his fellow Marauder.
"That's good," Sirius didn't know what to do and say anymore and the pair fell into an unusual silence.
"Sirius, I was trying to find you earlier because there's something I want to talk to you about," Remus started carefully. This was an unknown territory for him and to mess it up would be the last thing he wanted.
Sirius felt his worry grew tenfold in the span of seven words. He had a bad feeling that Remus might've decided to completely cut off any ties the two of them might've had. What if he didn't want Sirius to be anywhere nears him anymore?
Sirius had hoped that somehow Remus might be able to forgive him, given time. And maybe if he was extra careful and considerate in every step of the way, they might be able to go back the way they were. He certainly never even hoped that there might be the remotest of possibility of the pair of them to become anything more.
But he knew that if Remus decided to give up on them, he wouldn't try to stop him. He'd hurt Remus enough. The other boy had always been persuaded and dragged into his mess and ideas. Just for this one last time, he would give Remus the comfort of choice. He had no right to make him change his mind anyway.
But instead of starting his speech filled with words of disappointment and good-bye, Remus paused, looking unsure, before starting to talk,
"Well, you see, I talked to someone earlier today and it opened my mind to a new possibility that might be present between us...or rather, something that's always been there...that is...what I'm trying to say is..." The brown haired boy fumbled, paused mid-sentence and unexpectedly blushed.
Sirius felt his heart beat increased inexplicably.
"Remus...?" He whispered, inwardly wincing at the amount of bleeding hope that went unfiltered in his voice.
Remus closed his eyes, seemingly stilling himself for whatever word that was going to come out of his mouth.
Inhale. Exhale.
Amber eyes opened to find tentative pair of silver watching.
Sirius prayed to all the holy beings that what he'd always dreamed of would actually happen.
If Remus got to say whatever he needed, that means I wasn't to give up on us.
"Sirius, I have to tell you something important. I -"
But whatever Remus wanted to say stayed unvoiced because of a newly familiar voice calling him.
"Remus! There you are. I've been searching everywhere for you - Black? What-?"
Sirius sagged in disappointment.
Jennings. Of course.
"No. It's nothing. Sirius disappeared suddenly and I was just trying to help Prongs and Wormtail in finding him. I happened to be lucky," Remus quickly explained with half-truths.
Remus wanted to keep whatever happened then buried hidden.
"Oh. Well, never mind then. You found him, right? Black looked fine. He was probably just bored. Just tell James and Peter that you've found him and come with me? I've got something I need to ask you."
"Well, I was talking to Sirius -"
"I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you were to go with me, right, Black?"
Sirius looked towards those loved brown orbs for guidance; only to find them trained on the Ravenclaw student and away from him.
I see. That mustn't have meant what I thought it meant then.
"Sure. If Remus doesn't mind."
Jennings turned towards his boyfriend's direction,
"Remus? You don't mind, do you?"
Remus paused for a second, unsure with his answer, before finally shaking his head softly.
"Great! Let's go then. We'll see you around, Black."
Sirius nodded once, eyes trained away from the walking couple.
I guess this means good-bye. Now's the time to finally give up.
"There you are! We've been looking everywhere for you and Remus came back only to tell us that you'll be back soon. You didn't appear even after two hours and we were few minutes away from trying to find you again," James moved from his sitting position on his dorm bed to greet Sirius.
"Just needed some fresh air, Prongs. Sorry to bother you and Wormtail."
"That's alright. As long as you're okay," Peter replied with a relieved smile.
"It's dinner time now; do you want to come down with us to the Great Hall?" James knew that Sirius wouldn't feel like facing Remus and Jennings together being a couple at dinner time, but it didn't fail to make him keep trying. It was important that Sirius eat regularly despite his low mood.
But to his utter surprise, Sirius merely shrugged in agreement, "Yeah. Why not? I'm starving, anyway."
"G-Great! Let's go then!"
True to his prediction, the fourth Marauder was currently sitting next to his aforementioned boyfriend; eating their dinner together. But instead of seemingly happy and smiling like usual, the couple seemed somewhat quiet and grave.
Something is up.
If Sirius wasn't with them, James himself would choose to act oblivious and sit in front of the couple. But seeing as Sirius was with them, their usual Marauders' sitting spot would probably be the best choice.
"It's chocolate brownies tonight! That's Moo-"
A pause followed Sirius' unfiltered words,
"-ny's favourite."
The sentence was finished with a whisper, and Sirius spent the rest of the dinner time eating silently. There was a deep frown within his face, as though an internal war was carried out inside his mind, but James was unable to tell what it would be on. Aside from the obvious; that it had something to do with Remus.
Well that was such a great success in trying to stop myself from thinking about Moony, Sirius thought sarcastically in anger towards himself.
It had hardly been a few hours from his resolve before he managed to forget his resolve and turn to his old habit.
Stop thinking about Moony. He's not with you anymore. You were extremely lucky that he decided to even talk to you today.
He knew that something was wrong with the picture that Remus and Jennings painted as a happy couple during their dinner today. But he didn't want to be involved in whatever lovers' tiff that the two was up to. And the couple probably wouldn't be thankful with his meddling anyway.
It was better to stay silent, as per his initial plan.
If only the same could be said about his other closest friend.
He groaned at finding a lump at the foot of his bed, being woken up by the unmistakable feeling of being watched.
"What do you want, Prongs?" His voice came out muffled from being squashed against his pillow.
"Stop hiding," James chided.
"Well, can't you just leave a bloke to sleep peacefully at least for a night?"
"So you admit to not being able to sleep peacefully these past few days?"
"These past few months, you mean," Sirius grumbled quietly.
"What? That bad? Merlin, you've got it bad."
"Well, it'll probably have the same result on you if Lily was involved, wouldn't it?"
James cringed at the words.
"Point made." Sirius stated.
"You evil evil friend," James sulked without heat.
"But you love me anyway. Shows how much of a masochist you really are, right?"
James spluttered in a half-attempt at anger. "You-!"
But he paused when he was centimeters away from playfully punching Sirius' arm.
Sirius' smile fades off from his face.
"You can treat me the way you always do, you know. I'm not a glass, I won't break."
His face was serious, his tone calm. James realised with a jolt that Sirius really did believe his own words. He didn't know just how fragile he could be; how fragile he looked with a broken-heart. Having to deal with emotional blow after emotional blow since he was a small child, it was no wonder he seem to think of himself as invincible.
"I know. But a bloke can look after his brother, right?"
Sirius smiled at this.
"Yeah, alright, alright. Whatever makes you happy, I suppose."
"So ungrateful, you are. Why did I take you as my brother again?"
"Because I'm just that irresistible."
James snorted in disbelief.
"Hey! No need to burst a guy's perfectly placed ego!"
"Oh, you need much more than that to even bruise it, with the massive size of it."
"Well, with this looks and personality, I have more than enough reason, right?"
"As i-"
The curtain was drawn open almost silently to reveal Remus' exhausted face.
"Hey. Sorry to bother you at such a late hour, Sirius, but can I talk to you?"
Sirius blinked in disbelief.
"Wha-"
Remus turned and seemed to realise James' presence for the first time that night; showing him that whatever it is that he wanted to talk to Sirius about, it must be important.
"Oh. Sorry. Were you two just talking? Then I'll just-"
James decided that now would be the chance he'd been looking for, "No, its fine! It wasn't anything important. I'm sure Sirius wouldn't mind! I'll be off, then! Good night, you two!"
A rather awkward silence followed James' retreat.
"Umm, Sirius? Is - Is it okay?"
Remus' unsure words snapped Sirius out of his stupor.
"Oh! Yes, of course! Come sit!" He patted the spot on the bed next to him enthusiastically.
"Thanks," Remus smiled in relief.
"Anytime. So, umm, what is it that you want to talk about?"
Remus stayed silent, face blank.
"Remus?" Sirius asked worriedly.
Remus blinked and he shook his head as if clearing it of unwanted thoughts. He turned and Sirius found himself in the receiving end of a sharp, clear gaze. This was a gaze of someone who was determined. Who knew what he wanted.
Sirius shivered. But his friend seemed to be able to tell even the little movement.
"Oh, I'm sorry! You must be feeling cold. Here," Remus lifted up the blanket that had fallen onto his waist and wrapped it up all around him. His warm hands felt like a hot brand, burning onto his skin even through the thick blanket.
"Thank you," Sirius replied quietly; not having the heart to tell his friend that his shiver has got nothing to do with being cold.
"I do apologise for acting so weirdly tonight. It's just-"
Sirius watched him take a deep breath, seemingly steeling himself.
"I broke up with Tim."
Sirius' eyes widened as soon as he registered the meaning of the other boy's words. His heart leapt at hearing something so unexpected.
"What-" He swallowed before continuing his question, "But why?"
Remus ran a hand through his tussled hair. It must've been the hundredth time that he'd done that gesture tonight; if the state of his hair was of any indication.
"We were just- not working out. I tried, really I did, but I just can't-"
Sirius had scooted a little closer to him during his little speech, being unable to hear the rapidly decreasing volume of his voice. Now Remus felt like he had lost his ability to speak upon finding that loved face so close to his. So so close compared to the distance that had separated them these past few weeks. He could even see the different shades of grey inside those beautiful pair of eyes.
"Re-Remus?" Sirius whispered questioningly. His heart was beating a million a minute, Remus' face was getting closer, he leaned his face backwards in response, he didn't understand what's going on, and Remus' face is still getting closer!
"I just can't bring myself to feel about him the way I do about you," Remus whispered. Sirius jolted at hearing the confession coming from those lips he'd dreamed about for years. But this wouldn't do. Remus' words could mean something other than what he'd thought of. It might simply be him getting ahead of himself.
He had to stop that adored face from getting closer and cracking through his guard!
"Moo-Moony!" He raised his hands to form a barrier between them, dearly hoping to get a reaction if he used the other boy's nickname that he hasn't uttered in such a long time. He was rewarded for his words finally registered through Remus' mind.
Seeming to realise just what it was that he'd been trying to do, the brown-haired boy turned red in embarrassment.
"I-I'm sorry, Sirius! I- I didn't mean-"
Sirius' heart broke just that little bit more at hearing those words.
Remus lifted his eyes to meet the grey pairs in front of him. Realising this, Sirius quickly put on a smile.
"That's okay. It's fine. You don't have to apologise."
But those golden eyes have always been sharper than most at studying Sirius. Finding pain within those grey orbs was a job that he'd trained his eyes to do ever since they were just in their first year.
"Sirius..."
Well, that was just stupid of you. You could've showed your true feelings towards him, and you blew your chance, Remus inner voice mocked. He didn't have the heart to argue because those words are very much the truth.
Well? What are you waiting for? A 'come and get me' sign on top of his head? Because that disappointed eyes should've told you everything.
"Sirius," Remus called the other boy who'd resorted to staring at his bed's drapes around them. With a soft grip around Sirius' right wrist, he turned the other boy's face towards him and calling onto all of his Gryffindor bravery, he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss onto those pink lips.
Sirius' eyes widened in shock before fluttering shut against his better judgment. He couldn't help it. The boy he'd always dreamed about was kissing him; his body moved automatically and he found himself reciprocating the sweet kiss.
Remus is kissing me...I'm kissing Remus. I'm really kissing Moony! Merlin!
This thought was promptly followed by the realisation that Remus had just broken up with his boyfriend. A boyfriend that he cared about, which meant that they really shouldn't be doing this.
Fast as lightning, he moved himself away from the kiss even if it was the last thing he'd wanted to do. Feeling unable to completely separate himself from the other boy, his hands placed themselves against the warm chest of the body in front of his. It would look like an attempt to push the other boy away from him, if it was seen by any other person, but the lack of pressure showed his real feelings. Stupid body decided to betray him at the most bleeding inconvenient time.
He licked his lips and felt his face further redden when he realised that the other boy was watching.
"Rem, I'm sorry but I just-"
He looked up at the boy he'd always hoped for; the first person he'd ever loved unlike anyone else. The person that he knew could break him like no other through the answer that he might give.
A particular muggle writer's words that Remus had read to him once upon a time came to him suddenly.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.
He decided to do a leap of faith. Irrevocable trust was the one last precious thing that he could possibly give to the other boy.
"I love you and I don't want to simply be a rebound for you, Moony."
TBC
Part 6