which to bury, us or the hatchet?
whew. my 4 day, 5 night Catawba excursion has concluded.
this time around was so MUCH more enjoyable.
I saw the people I wanted to and (more importantly) the people who WANTED to see me.
right now, I don't know if I want to write a whole day-by-day.
Well, first things first:
to those that read this and I saw you KNOW I love you a lot. and I cannot wait to be back. thanks for making it all good...
you know who you are.
moving on.
the actual doing of fun things was awesome. drives, jokes, and talking about peni (that's the plural of penis).
**stretches hand to door knob to escape**
anyway. I had some great times. the best were those moments where we would remember some really amazing memories. I cannot wait to be back there. this weekend furthered my feelings that I belong at Catawba...
period.
the only bad thing about this weekend. well..one of the few small bad things was that I learned somethings I didn't want to hear. Rather, see. I guess I just tried to give all parties the benefit of the doubt.
and after seeing what I had been hearing...well, it made me rather sad.
I guess that cliche of the dot paintings that from a distance make a beautiful picture but up close are just blurry dots is true about some humans. from a distance, they seem awesome, but when you get up close...it's a bad thing.
the other "big" meh-not-so-great-thing about the trip was the confusion I have back in my heart.
not about I guess what one might expect. Althought, I do have to say...I don't know what to do anymore.
and that's fine. I just don't know if silence is doing good or bad.
as the song says
There are many things
I'd like to say to you
but don't know how
we'll see what time does.
anyway...I hate that I've started to like someone at Catawba, but due to this last few months of limbo I am forced to tuck it away into a little, dark place until the fall when I will, in a drunken moment tell said person I really like them only to hear the all too expected, "I think your fab, but..."
life is good.
I would also like to say that I have been absolutely non-sexual the past...oh...3 months.
no one to lust after or have dirty feelings for/about. not even someone I've never met. (i.e sexy hollywood hunky)
basically a horny dryspell. of course, being in my situation of not being able to exactly act upon said feelings without being put in jail for either rape or having to pick up some creepy boy in a bar.
anyway, after my rather detailed talk with someone about things, it made me miss all that warm and fuzzy, dirty and kinky, messy and sweaty wonders that is being intimate with another human being.
aka.
I am now horny and saddened.
but in good humor about it all.
of course, I can hear people yelling at their computers telling me of the "joy's of masterbation" and while that is all fine and dandy for some aspects, there is NOTHING that can replicate that feeling of knowing something you can do makes another human being utterly happy. I know there is term in some sexual dictionary somewhere for it, but i get pleasure knowing someone else is getting pleasure.
ugh. that's what sucks about everything.
but. anyway.
I guess that's really it about everything.
the trip was good.
and I cannot wait to be back...
without any doubts in my mind Catawba College is where I belong.
and despite some bad shadows that still haunt the campus, this weekend I remembered the good times.
the good times with EVERYONE.
and I guess that's what's important to do anymore. I guess thats where my confusion came back...
because, as Ann Frank once said (and I paraphrase): I believe deep down that everyone is good at heart.
being veg/vegan is really doing me well.
it felt so good to have people say, "Wow. You look really good."
that makes the past few months of trying to get healthy worth it..
I would like to leave you with a highlight from the weekend:
**Holly and Meghan drive to Cookout. At the order box**
Holly: Okay. I would like a regular hamburger platter...with no hamburger.
(pause)
Order Girl: Uh...Wait...No burger?
Holly: Yep.
Order Girl: So lettuce, onion, and pickle on bread?
Holly: Yep.
Order Girl: Okay...So I have one regular burger tray with NO MEAT.
:-)