Mirror
Title: Mirror
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han, Suho/Chen, Sehun/Krystal
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Angst
Word count: 3919
Summary: Soulmates are supposedly two parts of one whole but sometimes the two halves aren't meant to be together.
Warning: Attempted suicide
There was a faint knock on the door, just audible enough for Sehun to hear as he set aside yet another balance sheet. “Yes?”
The door opened to reveal a pajama-clad Joonmyun, his older housemate and childhood friend, poking his head through. “Go to bed, Sehun. It’s already late and I have an early meeting to get to tomorrow.”
Sehun glanced at the digital clock on his bedside table; its bright red numbers and the increasing heaviness of his eyelids seemed to reiterate his housemate’s advice. Running a hand through his unwashed dyed hair, he nodded and shut his laptop close. “‘Kay. I’ll just go brush my teeth. Good night, hyung.”
His friend nodded and bade him good night before closing the door to his bedroom. With a yawn, Sehun trudged off to the little bathroom connected to his bedroom and began to prepare himself for bed. The reflection greeting him from the mirror above his sink could probably be described by some as handsome if the shadows cast by too many nights of overtime work and his negligence of his dye touch ups didn’t make him look so perpetually tired. In any case, it was a concern that was at the bottom of his priorities at the moment so he shrugged it off, made a mental note to make an extra strong cup of coffee in the morning, and sank into bed.
As the sounds of Sehun’s snores steadied just minutes later, Lu Han sat up. He sat in his bed with his blankets, a pale green that Sehun had chosen only because it was on sale though it didn’t match the yellow curtains, wrapped around his almost-too-thin frame for a few moments, watching the rise and fall of Sehun’s chest from across the room before pushing himself off the mattress.
Manoeuvring around the room in the dark wasn’t too difficult, thankfully, because Sehun’s taste in furnishings was very minimalist, if not sparse, though that was partially attributable to his low funds at the moment. When he reached the door and closed it quietly behind him (though Sehun would have slept through it even if he was loud), he found Jongdae already on his way to the kitchen, no doubt to make himself a mug of chamomile tea - a personal preference he and Joonmyun shared. Upon spotting him, Jongdae gave a tired wave.
“How’s it going?” Lu Han asked, opting for a glass of cold water; he’d get his coffee fix in the morning.
“Are you talking about me or Joonmyun?” Jongdae asked, cheeky even when tired. Lu Han gave a noncommittal shrug. “Well, I can say that I could probably recite the company’s financial forecast for the next quarter on demand now.”
Lu Han laughed. “So Joonmyun’s presentation’s going well?’
“I just had to listen to him practice for two hours straight so it had better go well.” Jongdae huffed as he poured hot water into his mug.
Lu Han laughed again and decided not to say anything about the way Jongdae’s eyes softened just the slightest bit. It was a feeling he could relate to, after all.
-
Lu Han blinked at the lists of numbers staring at him from his computer screen, trying, without much success, to make sense of the digits that were beginning to blur in his vision. The effects of Sehun’s coffee were probably wearing off and it was about time for another coffee break. He looked over at Sehun, wondering if he was feeling the same.
“You look like crap.”
He looked up to see Minseok peering at him from over his shoulder. A momentary glance towards Sehun’s side told him it was the time of day Kyungsoo stopped by to tell Sehun the same thing. He shrugged and replied, “I could honestly be doing worse.”
Minseok chuckled. “Can’t argue with you there. You were always the more orderly one.” He watched Kyungsoo prod at Sehun, trying to get him to eat more than the pathetic excuse for a sandwich he always had, and looked at the identical sandwich on Lu Han’s desk. “You realize you don’t need to do everything he does, right?”
Raising his hands defensively, Lu Han frowned, “I do not do that. This is just because he woke up late and we had to rush so Joonmyun wouldn’t be late for his meeting.”
“Sure, Lu Han, whatever you say.” Minseok said, laughing when Lu Han’s frown deepened. He opened his mouth to say something but stopped when he noticed Kyungsoo begin waving farewell to Sehun. “Oh, looks like I’ve got to go. And Sehun’s off to lunch so go and eat something that’s more substantial than that. It’s not like you have to follow him during lunch too.”
Lu Han nodded slowly, beginning to stand just as Sehun did the same. “I know that. See you around, I guess.” He watched them leave and, after a pause, grabbed his sandwich and followed after Sehun.
-
The most unfortunate thing that had ever happened to Lu Han was falling in love with Sehun.
The only person who knew was, unsurprisingly, Jongdae. It had happened years ago, the same year they had first moved into their current apartment when they were still in university. He had opened the door to Lu Han’s room, intending to ask him what he wanted for dinner only to find him standing almost nose-to-nose against the large floor-length mirror on the wall opposite of the bed, watching Sehun through it. It was Sehun’s - their - birthday and some of his friends had dragged him to some obscure club where he’d gotten drunk then returned home with an alcohol-induced stutter and a line of hickeys that trailed past the neckline of his shirt before passing out on his bed.
“Lu Han?” Jongdae asked tentatively, already half-sure of what the other was currently thinking, while Joonmyun set himself on the task of tucking Sehun in bed properly. He’d been around Lu Han just as long as Joonmyun had been friends with Sehun, after all. He had witnessed all the unreciprocated glances and smiles, the silent moments of grief over those same things.
“Why…” Lu Han began after a period of silence, his voice cracking at the end, “Why do we exist, Jongdae?”
There were several possible reasons he - or anyone else on this side - could recite in response to Lu Han’s question. That the world existed in contrasting twos in order to balance each other out. That they existed to protect or watch over their person on the other side in the best way that was suited to them because they knew everything about them - lived as them. That it was a curse brought on by some transgression in a past life. But seeing Lu Han’s face, one that was so similar, even by the standards of this side, to Sehun’s, none of them could leave his lips. Instead, he watched Lu Han press his forehead against the cool surface of the mirror, observed the lack of a reflection on the other side, and sighed.
“Do you know about the legend of the origin of soulmates?” Lu Han asked again, though he didn’t pull his eyes away from Sehun’s sleeping form on the other side of mirror. “Most people know Plato’s version - that people were made with four hands, four legs, and one head with two faces and that these were divided into two separate beings by the gods as a punishment. There’s also another version by Theosophy that said that people were divided from the same soul as a punishment too. Don’t you find that oddly similar to our existences? Made to be nearly exactly like the person on the other side of the mirror but only the ones on this side get punished.” He let out a hollow laugh, clenching his fists on the glass. “I wonder what kind of terrible thing I did in my past life to have fallen in love with him.”
Unable to say anything to console him, Jongdae stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Lu Han, tucking his head under his chin so dark strands of hair tickled his jaw.
“Sometimes…” Lu Han’s voice came again, weaker now. “I wish I never existed.”
It was a statement Jongdae to which couldn’t really respond. Because their existence on the other side of the mirror wasn’t dependent on anything that could be controlled on their side. Being “born” and “living” life wasn’t something that happened to them. They just “were” - just existed to compensate for the other existence of the person born on the other side of the glass. Whatever ties they had with others on this side were completely reliant on the relationships existing on the other side. The only freedom they had came when no mirrors were present to reflect their images on the other side or when their other person was asleep.
It really was the worst kind of existence, if Jongdae really thought about it. (Of course, it was an unstated law to never think about it - not that anyone really wanted to.)
The only response Jongdae could offer was to hug Lu Han just a little bit tighter and wait until morning light necessitated that they parted.
-
“Hi.”
Lu Han narrowed his eyes at the sea of numbers - exactly like the ones on Sehun’s screen - he was looking over, to check for the other’s errors. It was an unfamiliar voice, one feminine and light. He eyed the mirror on the side of his desk, watching Sehun greet a slender woman with hair in wavy cascades and wondering if his other self could possibly feel the acute pang of pain in his chest. He looked up and gave the woman before him - a little taller with large, happy eyes compared to her other - a polite smile.
“Hello.”
The woman before him was taller and had hair that was lighter and straighter but she was just as pretty. “I’m Song Qian. You must be Lu Han. Soojung’s been asking around about him so I decided to find out about you too - sorry if that seems a little forward.” She explained herself hastily, looking very apologetic, when Lu Han blinked in surprise.
“Oh, no, uh- that’s fine. I guess.” Lu Han said, reaching out to shake her hand. It was very warm and soft. “It’s nice to meet you.”
She smiled at him sweetly. “Likewise. And I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of each other too.” Lu Han could already feel his cheek muscles struggle to stay in place, stretching his smile over his skin and bones and heart. “Well, it appears I must be going. I’ll see you around!”
He watched her go on her way, watched Sehun stare at Soojung’s retreating figure for so long that his supervisor came by to reprimand him for being distracted, watched another part of himself crumble before him.
-
The day Song Qian stayed over for the first time crept up to him with a sense of inevitability and dread.
As weeks and months passed, Song Qian’s visits came more and more frequently. The feeling clawed itself up his belly and settled itself deep in his chest cavity so that every smile Sehun sent Soojung’s way wrenched his throat in a way that caused his vision to darken at the edges and his hearing to muffle to an acute silence.
“Please make yourself comfortable.” Lu Han echoed Sehun, though his words lacked the emotion Sehun carried in his. In passing, he wondered if she could tell. She settled herself primly on his chair and he sat himself on the bed, as far away as courtesy would allow, while pointedly averting his gaze from the mirror directly in front of him, as usual. Through it, he knew, the situation between Sehun and Soojung was the exact opposite. “Is there anything you’d like to drink? Or eat? I think Jongdae baked cookies the other day… I don’t really know how they taste but I could go get some if you’re willing to put your life on the line?” The weak laughter that accompanied his pitiful attempt at a joke was cut short by the bed dipping beside him.
“Actually…” Song Qian whispered, her fingers closing the distance between them to graze his, “I was thinking of doing something else tonight.”
Lu Han resisted the urge to flinch and run away. “What do you mean?” He asked evenly, taking measured breaths to prevent the feeling in his chest from rising up his throat.
She considered him for a moment, retracted her hand and said, “We’ve been seeing each other for months now and you’ve never once touched me. I get that what they may feel for each other-” she waved her hand toward the mirror and Lu Han kept his gaze on her to avoid having to look at the way Sehun was pinning Soojung onto the bed, hands and lips everywhere “-can’t really be replicated by their others. I’m not naïve enough to believe that we could have that kind of genuine kind of love. But we’re going to end up seeing each other a lot more so…”
Lu Han jerked back when she shifted closer. “Ah…” He mumbled, standing up to avoid seeing the pain in her eyes. “Sorry, it’s just… I’m just… I’m not… ready.” He finished lamely, trying not to outwardly react when she pulled back, expression closed.
“It’s okay… I understand…” She assured, smile strained. “I think I’ll go to sleep then. I’m a little tired. Would you wake me when they’re done?”
“Yes, of course.” He watched her tuck herself in his bed, back towards him, then waited a few moments in the silence of his room and the muffled sounds from the mirror before shuffling toward the corner of the room to sit on the floor, knees curled to his chest and eyes closed to everything.
A few hours later, he was standing by the door, shuffling his feet awkwardly as he waited for Song Qian to pull on her shoes to leave for another engagement..
“I guess I’ll see you around.” Song Qian said, eyes a little red-rimmed and tired. She smiled at him.
He rocked back on his soles. “Yes. I’ll see you at work.”
She nodded quietly and absently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. The silence of their exchange was filled with Soojung’s coos of endearment and Sehun’s proclamations of not wanting her to leave, accompanied by the sound of lips against lips and skin.
“Um.” He faltered when she momentarily turned to look at him as she began moving out the door. “Uh. Well.” He snapped his head forward, quickly pressing his lips a little too far left so he was closer to her ear than her actual cheek and with a little more force than he had intended. When he pulled back, rose coloured both their cheeks.
“See you.”
She nodded, a little dazed, and stumbled out the door.
Lu Han closed the door behind her and heard the soft padding of Jongdae’s feet behind him.
“Lu Han…?”
He turned to Jongdae, greeting Jongdae’s pitying gaze with a smile. He was sure it was a smile; he’d practised all night.
“Good morning.”
They heard Joonmyun and Sehun exchange the same greeting, in a much more jolly tone, followed by the good-natured teasing of the older man while Sehun blushed at his words.
“Are you okay?” Jongdae asked again, raising his voice a little to mask the banter of their others.
In the silence of their conversation, Sehun’s embarrassed but happy voice rang loudly throughout the room.
“I love her.”
Lu Han smiled. “Of course.”
-
In the dim lighting of the bathroom, Lu Han gripped the counter and stared fixedly at the mirror above the sink. No reflection met his gaze. He wondered if, had he been born on the other side, he would have been able to see the sleepless nights and constant feeling of dread in the face that would greet him. He wondered if defeat had an image, if betrayal could look him in the eyes and see kinship there.
He glanced over his shoulder when there was a sound of shifting fabric in the bedroom but only saw Song Qian lying there as he left her, naked and content. He turned back to the faucet and proceeded to splash cold water on his face. His eyes caught sight of the glint metal under the light and he wondered if…
If red was considered to be a warm colour, why, then, did he feel so cold?
-
Lu Han groaned, squinting his eyes against the light. It was bright, too bright for it to be the one in his bathroom; the thought made him bolt up.
“I see you are awake.”
It was a woman, dressed in all black from head to toe, so much so that only her pale face seemed uncovered. She was petite but her voice was strong and not unpleasant though a chill ran up his spine at her words. She regarded him with what seemed like pity for a moment then looked away.
“This place has no name. But, if you’d like, you can call it ‘heaven’.” She said with an almost wry grin. “We oversee the ongoings of both sides of the mirror and make sure the balance is maintained, to be brief. And you...” Her eyes met his and he flinched under her stare. “...are threatening that balance.”
“I-?”
“You don’t actually believe your actions have no effect on your other, do you?” She asked, her gaze sharp. “You may have spent your whole life being forced to follow everything he does, but surely you noticed how things you do affect him too. Why do you think you look over his work and life every day?”
His eyes widened, staring up at her from where he was situated on the floor. “Then, does that mean…” He hesitated, clenching his fist.
“Does he realise how you feel and think? No. And it should remain that way.” There was an air of cold finality in her words. “You should realise your place, Lu Han. You are but a reflection.”
A sudden anger filled him, forcing words out of his mouth before he could help it. “Why? If I can can affect him too, if I can live my own life and make him follow mine, then why me?”
He took a breath to continue but she raised a hand to stop him. “You must be thinking ‘‘what have I done to deserve this? I never asked to be born on this side’. Am I right? Shall I enlighten you a little?” When she received no reply, she continued with an icy smile. “There is no reason to why you’re the one on the other side of the mirror or why you have to suffer like this while he lives his life oblivious to everything happening to the person most closely tied to him. It’s all just random. You just happened to be the unlucky one. Life’s just a bitch, isn’t it?”
Lu Han gasped, feeling the familiar feeling of bile rising. He closed his eyes to contain the feeling but nothing could stop the spinning sensation in his head nor the feeling of oppression her mere presence brought.
“Oh, but don’t worry, darling.” His eyes snapped open and drew in a sharp breath upon seeing her face, unnervingly impassive despite the smile on her lips, so close to his. “You’re not unnecessary. After all, when light shines on a real object, it’ll cast a shadow… Isn’t that how life is? Building on others’ shadows and gaining from others’ misfortunes?”
For a moment, sadness flickered in her eyes. “Maybe you were close. Maybe those on the other side are the other halves of their souls. Soulmates who are bonded together but will never actually be together.”
His eyes widened and the smile was back on her lips. She reached out to touch his cheek, then she was gone.
-
“-Han! Lu Han, are you okay?”
The panic in Song Qian’s voice was echoed by Soojung, and though he couldn’t see the mirror from where he was lying on the linoleum floors, he was fairly certain the situation was similar as well.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” they heard Sehun insist, filling in Lu Han’s own words. “I got up at night to use the toilet but I guess I slipped and hit my head or something since I don’t remember what happened…”
“You need to be more careful! You even managed to cut yourself on your razor!”
Soojung’s alarm was beginning to give way to relief as Sehun continued to ensure that he was well and that the cut wasn’t that deep. They did nothing to quell the rising dread in Lu Han, who hastily lifted his own arm and inspect the wound there only to find, to his surprise, a fairly shallow wound, just as Sehun had said.
“That’s strange. Usually, if we get hurt because they did, it’s because the injury is pretty serious.” Song Qian murmured to herself. She dismissed the stray thought and returned to helping Lu Han sit up. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Taking a deep breath to steady himself and keep himself from shaking, Lu Han nodded. “Yes.”
-
“You look pretty good in a tux.” Jongdae complimented, watching Lu Han fidget with his tie. “But if you keep messing with that, you’ll just end up ripping it off.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Everything’s perfect already.” Lu Han said with a grin as he dropped his hands to his sides; from the corner of his eye, he saw Jongdae hesitate before nodding. He glanced at the mirror out of habit before turning his back to it to face Jongdae directly. He didn’t need to look to know what lay on the other side.
“Don’t worry; I’m sure the ceremony will turn out just fine.” His words, they both knew, were empty in the same way that they both knew the paleness of Lu Han’s smiling face had little to do with nervous anticipation. Lu Han didn’t say anything to discourage him; perhaps both of them needed the false sense of normalcy.
“Oh, it’s almost time to give little Sehunnie off to the wife! I’m going to go into the hall now.” They heard Joonmyun announce with a laugh.
“Shut up! Maybe you should make a move on Joohyun from HR, then, so you won't be so jealous?” He laughed when Joonmyun sputtered unintelligently in response.
Jongdae cleared his throat and patted Lu Han’s shoulder. “I’m heading over then.”
Biting his bottom lip, he offered a small smile. “See you there.”
Once the door had shut, he walked back to the dresser mirror where Sehun, face bright with nervous excitement and dark hair slicked back in a neat coif, was rearranging his collar for the hundredth time.
“It’s okay, Sehun. You can do this. You’ve practised all week. Joonmyun-hyung coached you through this.” Sehun reassured himself, smacking his cheeks lightly. “There’s nothing to be nervous about. You’re going to get married to the woman you love the most in the whole world. Everything will turn out perfectly.” His elated reflection smiled back at him.
Just as he turned to walk out the dressing room, a single tear slid down Sehun’s face.
AN: I LIVE ☆~~ヾ(>▽<)ﾉ｡･☆ AND I COME BEARING A LONG OVERDUE FIC!
Not beta'd. Not entirely satisfied with the end but meh.
Inspired by: http://imgur.com/gallery/5ulWR
/returns to hiding under a rock/
Pairing: Sehun/Lu Han, Suho/Chen, Sehun/Krystal
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Angst
Word count: 3919
Summary: Soulmates are supposedly two parts of one whole but sometimes the two halves aren't meant to be together.
Warning: Attempted suicide
There was a faint knock on the door, just audible enough for Sehun to hear as he set aside yet another balance sheet. “Yes?”
The door opened to reveal a pajama-clad Joonmyun, his older housemate and childhood friend, poking his head through. “Go to bed, Sehun. It’s already late and I have an early meeting to get to tomorrow.”
Sehun glanced at the digital clock on his bedside table; its bright red numbers and the increasing heaviness of his eyelids seemed to reiterate his housemate’s advice. Running a hand through his unwashed dyed hair, he nodded and shut his laptop close. “‘Kay. I’ll just go brush my teeth. Good night, hyung.”
His friend nodded and bade him good night before closing the door to his bedroom. With a yawn, Sehun trudged off to the little bathroom connected to his bedroom and began to prepare himself for bed. The reflection greeting him from the mirror above his sink could probably be described by some as handsome if the shadows cast by too many nights of overtime work and his negligence of his dye touch ups didn’t make him look so perpetually tired. In any case, it was a concern that was at the bottom of his priorities at the moment so he shrugged it off, made a mental note to make an extra strong cup of coffee in the morning, and sank into bed.
As the sounds of Sehun’s snores steadied just minutes later, Lu Han sat up. He sat in his bed with his blankets, a pale green that Sehun had chosen only because it was on sale though it didn’t match the yellow curtains, wrapped around his almost-too-thin frame for a few moments, watching the rise and fall of Sehun’s chest from across the room before pushing himself off the mattress.
Manoeuvring around the room in the dark wasn’t too difficult, thankfully, because Sehun’s taste in furnishings was very minimalist, if not sparse, though that was partially attributable to his low funds at the moment. When he reached the door and closed it quietly behind him (though Sehun would have slept through it even if he was loud), he found Jongdae already on his way to the kitchen, no doubt to make himself a mug of chamomile tea - a personal preference he and Joonmyun shared. Upon spotting him, Jongdae gave a tired wave.
“How’s it going?” Lu Han asked, opting for a glass of cold water; he’d get his coffee fix in the morning.
“Are you talking about me or Joonmyun?” Jongdae asked, cheeky even when tired. Lu Han gave a noncommittal shrug. “Well, I can say that I could probably recite the company’s financial forecast for the next quarter on demand now.”
Lu Han laughed. “So Joonmyun’s presentation’s going well?’
“I just had to listen to him practice for two hours straight so it had better go well.” Jongdae huffed as he poured hot water into his mug.
Lu Han laughed again and decided not to say anything about the way Jongdae’s eyes softened just the slightest bit. It was a feeling he could relate to, after all.
-
Lu Han blinked at the lists of numbers staring at him from his computer screen, trying, without much success, to make sense of the digits that were beginning to blur in his vision. The effects of Sehun’s coffee were probably wearing off and it was about time for another coffee break. He looked over at Sehun, wondering if he was feeling the same.
“You look like crap.”
He looked up to see Minseok peering at him from over his shoulder. A momentary glance towards Sehun’s side told him it was the time of day Kyungsoo stopped by to tell Sehun the same thing. He shrugged and replied, “I could honestly be doing worse.”
Minseok chuckled. “Can’t argue with you there. You were always the more orderly one.” He watched Kyungsoo prod at Sehun, trying to get him to eat more than the pathetic excuse for a sandwich he always had, and looked at the identical sandwich on Lu Han’s desk. “You realize you don’t need to do everything he does, right?”
Raising his hands defensively, Lu Han frowned, “I do not do that. This is just because he woke up late and we had to rush so Joonmyun wouldn’t be late for his meeting.”
“Sure, Lu Han, whatever you say.” Minseok said, laughing when Lu Han’s frown deepened. He opened his mouth to say something but stopped when he noticed Kyungsoo begin waving farewell to Sehun. “Oh, looks like I’ve got to go. And Sehun’s off to lunch so go and eat something that’s more substantial than that. It’s not like you have to follow him during lunch too.”
Lu Han nodded slowly, beginning to stand just as Sehun did the same. “I know that. See you around, I guess.” He watched them leave and, after a pause, grabbed his sandwich and followed after Sehun.
-
The most unfortunate thing that had ever happened to Lu Han was falling in love with Sehun.
The only person who knew was, unsurprisingly, Jongdae. It had happened years ago, the same year they had first moved into their current apartment when they were still in university. He had opened the door to Lu Han’s room, intending to ask him what he wanted for dinner only to find him standing almost nose-to-nose against the large floor-length mirror on the wall opposite of the bed, watching Sehun through it. It was Sehun’s - their - birthday and some of his friends had dragged him to some obscure club where he’d gotten drunk then returned home with an alcohol-induced stutter and a line of hickeys that trailed past the neckline of his shirt before passing out on his bed.
“Lu Han?” Jongdae asked tentatively, already half-sure of what the other was currently thinking, while Joonmyun set himself on the task of tucking Sehun in bed properly. He’d been around Lu Han just as long as Joonmyun had been friends with Sehun, after all. He had witnessed all the unreciprocated glances and smiles, the silent moments of grief over those same things.
“Why…” Lu Han began after a period of silence, his voice cracking at the end, “Why do we exist, Jongdae?”
There were several possible reasons he - or anyone else on this side - could recite in response to Lu Han’s question. That the world existed in contrasting twos in order to balance each other out. That they existed to protect or watch over their person on the other side in the best way that was suited to them because they knew everything about them - lived as them. That it was a curse brought on by some transgression in a past life. But seeing Lu Han’s face, one that was so similar, even by the standards of this side, to Sehun’s, none of them could leave his lips. Instead, he watched Lu Han press his forehead against the cool surface of the mirror, observed the lack of a reflection on the other side, and sighed.
“Do you know about the legend of the origin of soulmates?” Lu Han asked again, though he didn’t pull his eyes away from Sehun’s sleeping form on the other side of mirror. “Most people know Plato’s version - that people were made with four hands, four legs, and one head with two faces and that these were divided into two separate beings by the gods as a punishment. There’s also another version by Theosophy that said that people were divided from the same soul as a punishment too. Don’t you find that oddly similar to our existences? Made to be nearly exactly like the person on the other side of the mirror but only the ones on this side get punished.” He let out a hollow laugh, clenching his fists on the glass. “I wonder what kind of terrible thing I did in my past life to have fallen in love with him.”
Unable to say anything to console him, Jongdae stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Lu Han, tucking his head under his chin so dark strands of hair tickled his jaw.
“Sometimes…” Lu Han’s voice came again, weaker now. “I wish I never existed.”
It was a statement Jongdae to which couldn’t really respond. Because their existence on the other side of the mirror wasn’t dependent on anything that could be controlled on their side. Being “born” and “living” life wasn’t something that happened to them. They just “were” - just existed to compensate for the other existence of the person born on the other side of the glass. Whatever ties they had with others on this side were completely reliant on the relationships existing on the other side. The only freedom they had came when no mirrors were present to reflect their images on the other side or when their other person was asleep.
It really was the worst kind of existence, if Jongdae really thought about it. (Of course, it was an unstated law to never think about it - not that anyone really wanted to.)
The only response Jongdae could offer was to hug Lu Han just a little bit tighter and wait until morning light necessitated that they parted.
-
“Hi.”
Lu Han narrowed his eyes at the sea of numbers - exactly like the ones on Sehun’s screen - he was looking over, to check for the other’s errors. It was an unfamiliar voice, one feminine and light. He eyed the mirror on the side of his desk, watching Sehun greet a slender woman with hair in wavy cascades and wondering if his other self could possibly feel the acute pang of pain in his chest. He looked up and gave the woman before him - a little taller with large, happy eyes compared to her other - a polite smile.
“Hello.”
The woman before him was taller and had hair that was lighter and straighter but she was just as pretty. “I’m Song Qian. You must be Lu Han. Soojung’s been asking around about him so I decided to find out about you too - sorry if that seems a little forward.” She explained herself hastily, looking very apologetic, when Lu Han blinked in surprise.
“Oh, no, uh- that’s fine. I guess.” Lu Han said, reaching out to shake her hand. It was very warm and soft. “It’s nice to meet you.”
She smiled at him sweetly. “Likewise. And I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of each other too.” Lu Han could already feel his cheek muscles struggle to stay in place, stretching his smile over his skin and bones and heart. “Well, it appears I must be going. I’ll see you around!”
He watched her go on her way, watched Sehun stare at Soojung’s retreating figure for so long that his supervisor came by to reprimand him for being distracted, watched another part of himself crumble before him.
-
The day Song Qian stayed over for the first time crept up to him with a sense of inevitability and dread.
As weeks and months passed, Song Qian’s visits came more and more frequently. The feeling clawed itself up his belly and settled itself deep in his chest cavity so that every smile Sehun sent Soojung’s way wrenched his throat in a way that caused his vision to darken at the edges and his hearing to muffle to an acute silence.
“Please make yourself comfortable.” Lu Han echoed Sehun, though his words lacked the emotion Sehun carried in his. In passing, he wondered if she could tell. She settled herself primly on his chair and he sat himself on the bed, as far away as courtesy would allow, while pointedly averting his gaze from the mirror directly in front of him, as usual. Through it, he knew, the situation between Sehun and Soojung was the exact opposite. “Is there anything you’d like to drink? Or eat? I think Jongdae baked cookies the other day… I don’t really know how they taste but I could go get some if you’re willing to put your life on the line?” The weak laughter that accompanied his pitiful attempt at a joke was cut short by the bed dipping beside him.
“Actually…” Song Qian whispered, her fingers closing the distance between them to graze his, “I was thinking of doing something else tonight.”
Lu Han resisted the urge to flinch and run away. “What do you mean?” He asked evenly, taking measured breaths to prevent the feeling in his chest from rising up his throat.
She considered him for a moment, retracted her hand and said, “We’ve been seeing each other for months now and you’ve never once touched me. I get that what they may feel for each other-” she waved her hand toward the mirror and Lu Han kept his gaze on her to avoid having to look at the way Sehun was pinning Soojung onto the bed, hands and lips everywhere “-can’t really be replicated by their others. I’m not naïve enough to believe that we could have that kind of genuine kind of love. But we’re going to end up seeing each other a lot more so…”
Lu Han jerked back when she shifted closer. “Ah…” He mumbled, standing up to avoid seeing the pain in her eyes. “Sorry, it’s just… I’m just… I’m not… ready.” He finished lamely, trying not to outwardly react when she pulled back, expression closed.
“It’s okay… I understand…” She assured, smile strained. “I think I’ll go to sleep then. I’m a little tired. Would you wake me when they’re done?”
“Yes, of course.” He watched her tuck herself in his bed, back towards him, then waited a few moments in the silence of his room and the muffled sounds from the mirror before shuffling toward the corner of the room to sit on the floor, knees curled to his chest and eyes closed to everything.
A few hours later, he was standing by the door, shuffling his feet awkwardly as he waited for Song Qian to pull on her shoes to leave for another engagement..
“I guess I’ll see you around.” Song Qian said, eyes a little red-rimmed and tired. She smiled at him.
He rocked back on his soles. “Yes. I’ll see you at work.”
She nodded quietly and absently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. The silence of their exchange was filled with Soojung’s coos of endearment and Sehun’s proclamations of not wanting her to leave, accompanied by the sound of lips against lips and skin.
“Um.” He faltered when she momentarily turned to look at him as she began moving out the door. “Uh. Well.” He snapped his head forward, quickly pressing his lips a little too far left so he was closer to her ear than her actual cheek and with a little more force than he had intended. When he pulled back, rose coloured both their cheeks.
“See you.”
She nodded, a little dazed, and stumbled out the door.
Lu Han closed the door behind her and heard the soft padding of Jongdae’s feet behind him.
“Lu Han…?”
He turned to Jongdae, greeting Jongdae’s pitying gaze with a smile. He was sure it was a smile; he’d practised all night.
“Good morning.”
They heard Joonmyun and Sehun exchange the same greeting, in a much more jolly tone, followed by the good-natured teasing of the older man while Sehun blushed at his words.
“Are you okay?” Jongdae asked again, raising his voice a little to mask the banter of their others.
In the silence of their conversation, Sehun’s embarrassed but happy voice rang loudly throughout the room.
“I love her.”
Lu Han smiled. “Of course.”
-
In the dim lighting of the bathroom, Lu Han gripped the counter and stared fixedly at the mirror above the sink. No reflection met his gaze. He wondered if, had he been born on the other side, he would have been able to see the sleepless nights and constant feeling of dread in the face that would greet him. He wondered if defeat had an image, if betrayal could look him in the eyes and see kinship there.
He glanced over his shoulder when there was a sound of shifting fabric in the bedroom but only saw Song Qian lying there as he left her, naked and content. He turned back to the faucet and proceeded to splash cold water on his face. His eyes caught sight of the glint metal under the light and he wondered if…
If red was considered to be a warm colour, why, then, did he feel so cold?
-
Lu Han groaned, squinting his eyes against the light. It was bright, too bright for it to be the one in his bathroom; the thought made him bolt up.
“I see you are awake.”
It was a woman, dressed in all black from head to toe, so much so that only her pale face seemed uncovered. She was petite but her voice was strong and not unpleasant though a chill ran up his spine at her words. She regarded him with what seemed like pity for a moment then looked away.
“This place has no name. But, if you’d like, you can call it ‘heaven’.” She said with an almost wry grin. “We oversee the ongoings of both sides of the mirror and make sure the balance is maintained, to be brief. And you...” Her eyes met his and he flinched under her stare. “...are threatening that balance.”
“I-?”
“You don’t actually believe your actions have no effect on your other, do you?” She asked, her gaze sharp. “You may have spent your whole life being forced to follow everything he does, but surely you noticed how things you do affect him too. Why do you think you look over his work and life every day?”
His eyes widened, staring up at her from where he was situated on the floor. “Then, does that mean…” He hesitated, clenching his fist.
“Does he realise how you feel and think? No. And it should remain that way.” There was an air of cold finality in her words. “You should realise your place, Lu Han. You are but a reflection.”
A sudden anger filled him, forcing words out of his mouth before he could help it. “Why? If I can can affect him too, if I can live my own life and make him follow mine, then why me?”
He took a breath to continue but she raised a hand to stop him. “You must be thinking ‘‘what have I done to deserve this? I never asked to be born on this side’. Am I right? Shall I enlighten you a little?” When she received no reply, she continued with an icy smile. “There is no reason to why you’re the one on the other side of the mirror or why you have to suffer like this while he lives his life oblivious to everything happening to the person most closely tied to him. It’s all just random. You just happened to be the unlucky one. Life’s just a bitch, isn’t it?”
Lu Han gasped, feeling the familiar feeling of bile rising. He closed his eyes to contain the feeling but nothing could stop the spinning sensation in his head nor the feeling of oppression her mere presence brought.
“Oh, but don’t worry, darling.” His eyes snapped open and drew in a sharp breath upon seeing her face, unnervingly impassive despite the smile on her lips, so close to his. “You’re not unnecessary. After all, when light shines on a real object, it’ll cast a shadow… Isn’t that how life is? Building on others’ shadows and gaining from others’ misfortunes?”
For a moment, sadness flickered in her eyes. “Maybe you were close. Maybe those on the other side are the other halves of their souls. Soulmates who are bonded together but will never actually be together.”
His eyes widened and the smile was back on her lips. She reached out to touch his cheek, then she was gone.
-
“-Han! Lu Han, are you okay?”
The panic in Song Qian’s voice was echoed by Soojung, and though he couldn’t see the mirror from where he was lying on the linoleum floors, he was fairly certain the situation was similar as well.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” they heard Sehun insist, filling in Lu Han’s own words. “I got up at night to use the toilet but I guess I slipped and hit my head or something since I don’t remember what happened…”
“You need to be more careful! You even managed to cut yourself on your razor!”
Soojung’s alarm was beginning to give way to relief as Sehun continued to ensure that he was well and that the cut wasn’t that deep. They did nothing to quell the rising dread in Lu Han, who hastily lifted his own arm and inspect the wound there only to find, to his surprise, a fairly shallow wound, just as Sehun had said.
“That’s strange. Usually, if we get hurt because they did, it’s because the injury is pretty serious.” Song Qian murmured to herself. She dismissed the stray thought and returned to helping Lu Han sit up. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Taking a deep breath to steady himself and keep himself from shaking, Lu Han nodded. “Yes.”
-
“You look pretty good in a tux.” Jongdae complimented, watching Lu Han fidget with his tie. “But if you keep messing with that, you’ll just end up ripping it off.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Everything’s perfect already.” Lu Han said with a grin as he dropped his hands to his sides; from the corner of his eye, he saw Jongdae hesitate before nodding. He glanced at the mirror out of habit before turning his back to it to face Jongdae directly. He didn’t need to look to know what lay on the other side.
“Don’t worry; I’m sure the ceremony will turn out just fine.” His words, they both knew, were empty in the same way that they both knew the paleness of Lu Han’s smiling face had little to do with nervous anticipation. Lu Han didn’t say anything to discourage him; perhaps both of them needed the false sense of normalcy.
“Oh, it’s almost time to give little Sehunnie off to the wife! I’m going to go into the hall now.” They heard Joonmyun announce with a laugh.
“Shut up! Maybe you should make a move on Joohyun from HR, then, so you won't be so jealous?” He laughed when Joonmyun sputtered unintelligently in response.
Jongdae cleared his throat and patted Lu Han’s shoulder. “I’m heading over then.”
Biting his bottom lip, he offered a small smile. “See you there.”
Once the door had shut, he walked back to the dresser mirror where Sehun, face bright with nervous excitement and dark hair slicked back in a neat coif, was rearranging his collar for the hundredth time.
“It’s okay, Sehun. You can do this. You’ve practised all week. Joonmyun-hyung coached you through this.” Sehun reassured himself, smacking his cheeks lightly. “There’s nothing to be nervous about. You’re going to get married to the woman you love the most in the whole world. Everything will turn out perfectly.” His elated reflection smiled back at him.
Just as he turned to walk out the dressing room, a single tear slid down Sehun’s face.
AN: I LIVE ☆~~ヾ(>▽<)ﾉ｡･☆ AND I COME BEARING A LONG OVERDUE FIC!
Not beta'd. Not entirely satisfied with the end but meh.
Inspired by: http://imgur.com/gallery/5ulWR
/returns to hiding under a rock/