(no subject)
i want to be there for my friends, and i want them to know that i care. but lately my attitude towards everyone has been pretty much shitty, and i push people away very easily when i get angry...because over the years i have taught myself that i don't need people like that around me, bringing me down...but it kinda sucks at the same time.
the way i think is so weird. i don't know how to explain it. last night billy was talking to me on the phone, saying how people make mistakes and i told him to not give me a lecture on it, because i know. but i am coming to realize that maybe the fact that i overanalyze things too much is good. because i don't make decisions that i may regret. i know not everyone is like that, but lately ive been finding it hard to accept people who just do things to simply...do them, even when they know it's stupid from the beginning.
last night i freaked out. i freaked out and yelled a lot to billy and im sorry, because i know i say everything on my mind when i am pissed off, and he was in a rough situation and me yelling at him probably wasn't the best thing to do...i was of no help, and im sorry for that. i want my friends to still be able to come to me, and have me listen to them, and share my thoughts and advice...i am still the same elisha i always have been...but different. and i don't know if it's in a good way or a bad way. that's probably for you to decide. my outlook on life seems to intimidate people....or something.
i am so relieved to be in my last year of high school. i cannot wait to step out of that huge smelly brick box, and inhale a huge breath of real life. but even then i am sure i'll have something to complain about. i am sick of the schedules, i am sick of rules, i am sick of the people, and the stupid drama...the stoners, the gangsters, the boring classes that i have, the way i've lost a huge group of my friends, and we look at each other now as if we are just meeting for the first time...and the way i will continue to lose friends throughout this year...etc.
i miss paul a lot. and i feel like our friendship is fading out, and i am trying to just forget about it. but he is one person that is hard to let go of...very hard, but i'm trying...
i will continue living my life through my own eyes. i will take into consideration everyone else's thoughts and opinions, but mine will never change. my morals, my goals, and my views will stay mine. i do not change for anyone. anyone. and down the road, whoever cannot accept that, well then i'm sorry. i believe in being yourself, and not being ashamed of who you are, or what you believe in...don't follow a crowd, be a leader....there's no other way to be.
billy says im interdependent...but i don't believe that anymore. i don't think my friends know me as well as they think they do. sure they know my favorite band, my crushes, my little secrets....but i really honestly don't believe anyone understands the real me. even i still don't understand the "real" me.. i am still learning...
but i have decided that the only person you can trust is yourself, the only person you can depend on: yourself....the only person to heal the pain is yourself. it all boils down to who you are in the end.
[/end this shitty rant]