cleansing
I need to get some things off my chest.
Figured this was the place for it.
It has been one of those weeks where my energy, patience and mentality have been pushed to its limits. Any aspect of my life has been on some sort of up-and-down seesaw that has no one on it. Yet it still moves wildly. I'm trying my hardest to gather up my thoughts with this being my 3rd-4th day in a row of 5 hours of sleep or less.
All in all, this might not be coherent. To you at least.
Started off with the usual group procrastination of a project due monday, and i'm still receiving everyones contributions at 11PM the night before. I was working til 4am regardless, but still come on...if I would have known gathering and preparing the report would be that stressful, I would have said NEXT. So I finally get my act together on Sunday and sit down to get shit done.
I read my friend Nick's away message and find out someone i graduated with was murdered at WVU the night before.
Stabbed by some random guy during a drunken dispute over snowball throwing.
His best friend was there and saw the whole thing.
Poor guy didn't even make it to the hospital before he died.
In the small area that I grew up in, this is catastrophic. Particularly to the ones that knew him, more importantly his close friends. I know I wasnt the closest one to him by any means, but we ran track together and had a shitload of classes together and were friends. It hit me pretty hard. I can't even imagine all his best friends and loved ones and how they handled the news. Needless to say, everyone I spoke to from back home was a mess the entire day. I couldn't focus on anything that I was doing even 50percent of the time. It just kept coming back in my head.
And I actually did something that I didn't think I would do.
I bawled like a fucking baby.
Now, I do end up crying over dumb things normally...not really going to get into it here but I have a soft spot for certain movies or songs, etc etc. But for awhile I have been getting calloused by the world around me. Keeping bitter thoughts deep inside and doing things I knew I would regret just to feel something. Because the nice things in life didnt mean as much anymore. I was becoming numb, and still am. It still frightens me to think how much I've changed. And I don't mean growing up, I can accept that things come and go even though it still hurts to see it happen. I've went from someone who would occasionally get angry with things to just a generally angry person. And not angry in the sense that I am overtly mean to people and wish terrible things on them and hate life in general. I mean an inner anger...one that stops you from seeing the good things in life, or at least limiting them to brief moments that come and fade back into disappointment and despair. One field in particular that has numbed my senses is other people and my relationships with them. The ones that I have let their negativity or underhandedness get the best of me. Make me bitter and think that everyone is like that, and that there isnt any use to be hopeful for the future. I'm probably going overboard here so i will sum it up: I've become more numb and bitter to the world around me, which has caused me to keep most of my true feelings locked inside. I lost my path. Ergo, I don't cry much...except for myself.
I cried for RJ, his friends, his family, myself, everyone that this tragedy has touched. Hell, I probably cried for everything bad that has ever happened.
I wasn't really sure why I cried so hard and have been so emotionally stuck by this lately and then it finally dawned on me.
All of my feelings have been locked behind the door of my jaded mind for too long.
This event somehow caused the flood gate to finally break.
I forgot about my own demons and wept for someone else.
All my bitterness, anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness, everything you could imagine.
I focused it into empathy.
The empathy killed it, if only just for awhile.
I hope this doesnt sound like I'm using the death of a classmate for selfish purposes. But it really did take matters like these to help me see the whole picture. I'm not saying that I'm unbitter and all better...but its definitely a start. And I really wish it didnt have to be this way, that I could have made this revelation in a different circumstance. But someone up there must do these things for a reason, even if we will never understand them. It hurts so much, I cant even begin to comprehend how bad it is and will be for RJ's loved ones. But it will literally be Hell on earth. And I want to be the support for anyone who needs it.
Needless to say, my normal everyday schedule has been heightened greatly from the usual strenuous mental and physical mess that it usually is into something much more demanding. I'll leave the bright side of everything for the one to soon come. There is a bright side, besides me cleansing my worried mind. Although i do feel a lot better having said everything in its entirety to an entity that I dont have to sugarcoat anything to.
RIP RJ...you will be forever missed. Hell of a guy..
I wish the ones who mean the most to you the courage to heal.
takin it day by day,
-yohe