(no subject)
Throughout high school, crushes are a fairly common occurrence, as students explore their blossoming sexuality. However, the rate at which one has crushes is not directly proportional to the rate at which said crushes are revealed. Some are not revealed until after they have faded, until prompted by a meme, or sometimes, never. As teenagers search for their identities, they are often plagued with insecurities, particularly regarding relationships.
One subset of common subset of crushes is that between friends. The person with a crush (henceforth referred to as the crusher) rarely reveals their feelings to the object of their affection (the crushee). This occurs for a variety of reasons, but foremost out of a fear that be revealing their feelings, the crusher will destroy or negatively alter the friendship. There is also a fear of embarrassment, and nervousness about the potential reciprocation of such emotions. Therefore, it is only when there seems a high likelihood of mutual attraction that feelings are revealed. A more complicated variation on this subset occurs in same-gendered relationships, particularly when only one or neither has acknowledged homosexual tendencies prior to the advent of the crush. The probability of reciprocation is notably lower, while the consequences of ostracization escalate exponentially. This is less the case amongst girls, where heterosexuals commonly engage in flirting behavior, and acknowledge attraction more readily. However, amongst those struggling with their sexual identity already, it is difficult to confess attraction, for fear of ruining a friendship.
Another form of crush occurs when either the crusher or crushee is already involved in a relationship. There may be many factors involved in why the crusher chooses to remain in a relationship while attracted to another. Foremost among these, human are not naturally faithful, though they are naturally jealous. Thus, a sense of guilt about violating the bonds of monogamy is common, even amongst the fickle relationship setting of the average American high school. The unattached crusher doesn’t want to interfere with another’s relationship, as there are many negative consequences involved, complicated by the interwoven soap opera dramatics common amongst teenagers. Therefore, the crusher typically remains silent, and hopes the feeling will pass. In some cases, crushes are remarkably persistent, but in such cases, crushes will not remain hampered by the relationship variable, given the average length of a high school relationship. There are additional complications due to “rebound” behaviors, but again, persistent crushes simply wait this out.
The third type of unrevealed crush is the secondary crush. In this situation, another crush has been publicly announced. However, while the first crush remains, a second crush develops. To avoid risk of being labeled fickle, flaky, or slutty, the second crush is not revealed except perhaps to close confidants. There are many other variations, given the complexity of high school relationship dynamics. There are frequent “new student” crushes, the obligatory celebrity infatuation, and “old flame” syndrome.
The author’s primary experiences have been with combinations of the three subtypes described. One more complicated crush involved a younger woman. While both had previously expressed homosexual interests, the author was in a relationship with a male, which was complicated by being an “old flame” relationship type. Additionally, all three were friends, to varying degrees, and part of a larger web of friends. The author revealed the crush, but chose not to act on it, instead remaining in the relationship for several more months, indicating a strong guilt complex regarding monogamy. While the crush persisted beyond the relationship, the crushee no longer returned the feelings, and had moved on to her own relationship, essentially reversing the dynamics.
An additional crush experience involved a very close friend, who had never clearly expressed any sexual tendencies in either direction. Until this essay, this crush had largely been kept from the crushee. Further complicating the crush were the familial structures of marching band culture, which would have regarded the relationship as incestual and homosectional, as crusher and crushee were both members of the same section. While this element was later removed, relationship overtones entered the equation, as well as occasional secondary crush status, during a prolonged period of public devotion to a different friend, who had displayed more overt tendencies. However, this crush eventually was forgotten in lieu of close friendship, and a sense of sisterhood.
It is impossible to discuss the impact of revealing a crush without an intimate knowledge of the greater social environment in which such crushes develop. The teenage years are a time of intense peer pressure and complex interpersonal relationships. Additional issues with self-esteem and insecurity lead to a typical “better safe than sorry attitude”. While this may lead to eventual regret, one frequently imagines it would have been worse to have revealed such emotions. Instead, outlet is typically found in bad love poetry, and emotional diary entries full of hyperbole and excessive drama. Such event often take over a person for a brief time, overwhelming them in a flood of hormonal confusion. The pleasurable feelings associated with spending time with the crushee are often complicated by extreme worry and paranoia. While it would be simpler to forget all this nonsense, we are biologically programmed into attraction, to ensure the propagation of the species.
The dynamics of the secrecy which enshrouds most crushes change with time and distance. As intense passion fades, it is easier to admit, as there is less emotional investment in the outcome. To those who are not natural risk takers, years and states between the crush and its revelation are sometimes not enough. They must be prompted to discuss their past emotions, and willing to honestly acknowledge what has been kept hidden out of some degree of fear. It is true that it is inherently awkward to confess your emotions, as language is frequently imperfect. However, given the time and the thought, one may find the words come more easily if you separate yourself from the announcement, treating it as a less emotional event. Perhaps an essay could be used to reach this end.
In my youth, I once had quite the crush
On a maiden I did know,
But we were also friends, and so
My new emotions I did hush.
When she spoke to me I turned to mush,
And my heart would warmly glow,
But she would not ever know,
Except by how I would blush.
For though my heart calls upon me to confess,
It is better for me to simply yearn
Than to forever extinguish fires of hope,
Knowing your answer might indeed depress.
And yet the world shall continue to turn,
And I will someday learn how to cope.