Hear my beating heart
***
It was a cold day. The hills were all coated with a large layer of snow, making the surroundings of the small village look like cotton wool fields. Almost idyllic, like a fairy tale land.
Here and there you could see a bit of green of the trees or the soft yellow of the little houses but overall it was completely white.
No one in their right minds would leave the warm havens of their houses. They would not even try to think to leave the heated, crackling fire voluntarily nor would they willingly leave their spot on the couch embraced by their blankets. It was too cold today and anyone who had been living at the village long enough, knew it was not a time for travelling. Storm was coming and when it would start it would continue for at least a day in the best case scenario. Luckily the villagers were quite used to the snowstorms passing by at this time of the year and that´s why everyone had enough canned food and rice in house to last for a few days.
Although the storm was on its way, there was one single man outside in the white covered world. He was dressed in a big blue winter coat, was wearing a fleece woolen hat and scarf and his hands were covered by warm mittens. Even though he was dressed so warmly, he could still feel the stinging of the perilous cold. The howling of the wind and the large layer of snow absorbed any sounds the man made. He knew that even if he would start to shout no one was able to hear him. Not that that mattered. He didn´t want to be heard or noticed at the moment. After 30 minutes he had finally arrived the place he wanted to visit. It had taken him twice as long today to come here. He walked to a stone covered with snow which he started to wipe away. He could read the carved letters in the stone, forming the name of his beloved brother.
“Aniki.” he whispered. “It’s me, Kazuya.” The wind swallowed the words immediately. “I can’t believe it’s already a year ago. It’s weird… It had been the same kind of weather back then.”
Somebody was knocking on the door. Kamenashi quickly walked downstairs and hit the lights, pulling on a large and warm sweater. Even though it was cold outside he still slept in a t-shirt. But now that he had to open the door, he wanted to wear something more warm. He was cursing his brother. Why had he wanted to go out with his wife today? Sure it was their 5th anniversary but it was way too cold to go outside. And now he had forgotten his key as well, which meant he had to open the door again. He opened the door with an angry, “Aniki…” but stopped saying anything when he saw a man outside. That man wasn’t his brother but Iwamura-san, a well-known man in their village and a police officer.
“Kazuya-kun.” He said, looking at the young man.
Kamenashi could only nod.
“Your brother, Jirou and Keiko too…” Iwamura-san swallowed. He couldn’t look at the young man anymore. “There has been a terrible accident.. The car slipped…”
Kamenashi couldn’t hear the rest of Iwamura’s voice. He started to feel dizzy and something pricked his eyes.
Not long after he was running through the hallways of the hospital. His crying baby nephew on his arm, who had been pulled out of his sleep meanly by his uncle, who couldn’t find a babysitter at this time of the night. He was too young to understand what was happening.
“Your sister in law has died at the scene at once.” The doctor explained while Kamenashi was looking at the white face of his brother. “Even though he doesn’t look that bad from the outside, we still don’t know how it’s going from the inside. There might be some trouble with his brain. He placed a hand on the young man’s shoulder and smiled a bit. “I hope I will be able to give you some good news tomorrow.”
But that good news didn’t come. “Kamenashi-san, we have been testing your brother but it’s not looking good. There is no activity in the brain at all..”
“You’re saying he is already dead?” The younger brother asked.
It was silent for a few seconds. The man clad in the white robe looked at him apathetically. “Yes I’m sorry.”
Kamenashi just nodded.
“Kamenashi-san.. I know it’s not what you want to think about now but do you know if your brother ever thought about becoming donor?”
“You really did something good! I wanted to tell you about immediately when I got the letter.” He took out a small envelope and pulled out the paper. It turned out to be quite difficult to read the letter because the wind was tugging at the small piece of paper but he managed to keep it smooth.
“I know you would be totally gloating if you were here right now.” Kamenashi chuckled.
“Dear Friend,
I know it’s strange to receive a letter from me. I hope you don’t mind I’m writing you.
I cannot imagine the things you might have gone through losing someone so dear. Nor would I understand the pain to make a decision you made. But I wanted to thank you from the depths of my heart for giving me a second chance. Words can’t say how thankful I am.
I know you must miss your brother a lot but I hope you will find happiness.
I would love it if you could send me a letter back through our coordinator, but I understand if you can’t.
Yours sincerely,
Yamashita Tomohisa”
Kamenashi folded the paper again and shivered. It was really getting colder.
“It’s kind amazing, don’t you think? Aniki you saved another person!” Kamenashi´s teeth started chattering from the cold. He stood up quickly and looked at the dark sky. The real storm was coming soon. He needed to head back quickly. His neighbor, Mrs. Inamoto was taking care of Dan at the moment but he wanted her to be able to go home before the storm really started.
---
He pushed the door open quickly. The whirling snow was already coming in the house. The nice warmth of the fire engulfed his body, making his cold limbs tingle.
“Is that you Kazuya?” Mrs. Inamoto said, while walking to the small hallway. “Oh I’m glad you are here. The storm is really starting right now. I was quite worried about you.” She wrapped an arm around his middle and lead him to the fire. “Sit down son. Here take this blanket. You must be really cold.” She handed him a large muck of hot chocolate.
Kamenashi smiled at her and took a sip of the chocolate. “Thank you so much Inamoto-san. I’m really glad you could look after Dan for me but you should go home quickly now before it’s too late.”
The old woman laughed and nodded. “It’s always a treat to look after cute little Dan. Don’t worry about it son. He is sleeping now. He had wanted to wait for you but he was too tired. Well I’m going quickly then. Mr. Inamoto must be quite worried already.” She took her large coat and put it on. “Remember.. You can always come by if something’s wrong son.” She patted his shoulder and left.
Inamoto-san had always felt quite sorry for the young Kamenashi. He had lost his parents when he was quite young. His older brother had always taken care of him and now he had lost him as well. And now he had to take care of Kamenashi Jirou’s son. She wanted to help him as best as she could and Kazuya was always very thankful.
The wind was howling quite heavily around the house now and Kame knew it had to be snowing quite fiercely at the moment. As all villagers he knew that the power could go out any moment now. He drank his hot chocolate and walked upstairs, knowing it was wisest to go to bed now. He opened the door to his young nephews room. He saw the boy sleeping deeply and smiled. He walked to his own room and undressed and lied unto his bed. Not long after he fell in a troubled sleep. Like always on nights with storms like these.
***
Yamashita Tomohisa was whistling when he stepped up the stairs to his department. He was halfway there before he changed his mind and ran down the stairs again. He walked the his mailbox and took out the keys to open the box. He took out the mail and checked it. Advertising, a few bills. He smiled when he noticed an familiar envelope. The handwriting had become well-known to him even though he had only received four of these letters before. His grin widened as he held up the envelope to the winter sun. It was a good day today.
He jumped up the stairs two by a time, missing his neighbor just barely.
“Sorry..” He exclaimed and smiled at the elderly.
“You seem energetic today, Yamashita-san.” The older woman said. “I’m glad.”
The older woman was the only one of his apartment building who knew what he had been going through. One or two years ago he wouldn’t even be able to take even one single step of the stairs. It was strange how you could change so much in a year.
The young man stepped into his apartment and placed the advertisements and the bills on the table. He wanted to read the letter immediately but seemed to change his mind again after a quick glance at the clock.
He should take his pills first. He took his anti-rejection medication and swallowed the big pills with a glass of water. Then he quickly grabbed the envelope again and cut it open. His hungry eyes read the words that his friend had written.
“Dear Yamashita-san,
I understand you must be very thankful but you have written that in you first, second, third, fourth and now even fifth letter. Really, it’s not necessary to thank me in each letter. =)
I’m thankful that it is going very well with you.
Your manager sounds like a real pain in the ass. He should just let you take a week off. You deserved it. After you saved the day when the minister was coming.”
Yamashita was grinning widely at that sentence.
“I’m doing very well. I like my job at the supermarket. I know it’s not always easy to work at night but this way it’s easy to take care of Dan during the day. I have told you about Dan right? My brother’s son.
I’m sorry this letter is so short but Dan started crying and I don’t really know what to write anymore.
Yours sincerely,
Kamenashi Kazuya”
Yamashita smiled when he put the letter on the table. He immediately got some paper and a pen and wrote a letter back. Telling the other man that he was actually allowed to go on a holiday. His boss had finally accepted. He wrote about where he was going, describing the pretty beaches at the south. He put the letter into an envelope but before he closed it he walked to his bedroom to take a picture of the beach he was going to. He put it inside the envelope and closed it.
---
“Goodmorning Yamashita-san.” One of his coworkers greeted him this morning. “Last day right? Before the big holiday..”
Yamashita chuckled and nodded. “Yes I can’t wait!”
His coworker smiled at him. One of those smiles he hated. A smile that told him that he was feeling sorry for him. “I can imagine. You definitely deserve it.”
He just smiled and nodded. “Yeah thanks.”
“Hey I was going to get some coffee at Starbucks, since the coffee here sucks, do you want something as well?”
The young man shook his head. “No thanks.” He was walking to his desk before he changed his mind.
“Are you possibly passing a mailbox?” Yamashita asked, looking at his colleague.
“Probably yeah.”
“Could you post a letter for me?”
“Sure.”
“Great, thanks.” He took the letter from his backpack and gave it to the other man. Then he walked to his office, which was quite stuffy since it had been locked up the whole weekend. He opened the window and let the wind blow inside the room. Not that Tokyo air was that fresh but it was better than nothing. He started his computer and waited till it went on and started working.
---
It was almost time to go home again. Yamashita stretched himself and smiled. One more hour and he would be done. He looked at the window. It was already getting dark and it might snow tonight as well. A large breeze went through the room, making a few papers fly through the room. Most of them were advertises so it didn’t really matter. Yamashita stood up and picked up the pieces of paper. He picked out the papers important for him and walked to the bin to throw the rest of them away. But before he could do that he was mesmerized by one of the advertises.
“Are you in for an holiday? Do you want it to be relaxing and calm?
Do you like the scenery of hills and would you like the clean fresh smell of the forest?
Chiwari village is enchanting as well as in summer and winter.
You can see the green of the fields and the trees and drink from the delicious mountain river.
Or walk through the beautiful, cotton wool snow. An amazing country looking like fairy tale land.
Daigetsu hotel is able to give you a beautiful room in this beautiful small village.
Interested? Call 010-1236950 for more information.”
Sure, Yamashita had already ordered his holiday. He was going to the south, to the beaches. He didn’t need to mesmerized by this advertisement. He was already going on a holiday. Still something was fretting him. He had this feeling that he really should go to this village. He looked at the beautiful pictures of the scenery. The snow was really beautiful, shining in a weak winter sun and suddenly his heartbeat fastened. He really wanted and needed to go there.
---
He jumped into the train at the same time the conductor blew on his whistle to announce that the train was indeed leaving. Yamashita took a deep breath and walked inside the cabin to find a seat. It didn’t take long before he found one and sat down, looking at the moving scenery. He was glad he was able to cancel his airplane ticket and now he was actually going to Chiwari village.
It was quite a long trip, first by train and then bus. But the trip was worth it. When he stepped out of the bus he looked around the beautiful scenery. The white snow indeed looked like cotton wool. And the small houses looked too cute. He walked around the small city center, quickly noticing the post office, which seemed to be a small supermarket as well. He walked inside, since he was getting quite hungry. It was already afternoon and he hadn’t eaten since breakfast, which he ate really early cause the train was leaving early. Not long after he stepped out of the post office with melon bread and mamemichi drink. He stood still and raised his eyes, taking deep breaths. It was cold, yes, but the air was so fresh.
A large shout shook him out of his reveries. “Dan! Come here.” Not far away from him he saw a little boy, around two years old, running towards the road, another man, a bit farther away, looking scared and running after him. It wasn’t busy at the street but Yamashita knew the street wasn’t a place for playing, so he walked quickly to the young boy and lifted him up swiftly, making the totally shocked boy cry because a stranger just lifted him up like that.
A puffing man soon stood in front of him, still looking worried.
“Dan you really need to listen to me.” He said and then turned to him. “Thank you so much. My nephew just learned to walk and run and he really likes to do it.” He explained.
Yamashita’s heartbeat fastened. The name Dan had already sounded quite familiar and he was this man’s nephew. He took a deep breath and chuckled. He should calm down. It would be too much of a coincidence if the man he had been writing to was actually living here.
“No worries.” He said, looking at the younger man.
The man with the long brown hair looked at him still and smiled. “I haven’t seen you here before. Are you here on a holiday?”
Yamashita nodded. “Yeah.. I’m staying at Daigetsu hotel.” He chuckled. “Now that you are here, you could actually help me. Do you know where I need to go?” He wasn’t really lost but it was nice to walk together. It seemed like the man was his age so maybe he could make a friend.
“Sure.. I need to go that way too, so you can walk with me.”
The two man and the little boy in the arms of his possible new friend started their way, while Yamashita told the man where he came from after the younger man asked the question. It took only a few minutes before they were standing in front of the hotel.
“Thank you very much for showing me the way.” Yamashita said, smiling widely.
“No problem.” The stranger said and smiled as well. “By the way…” He held out his hand. “My name is Kamenashi Kazuya, nice to meet you. Oh and this is my nephew, Dan.”
Yamashita’s heart skipped a beat, his smile faltered and his mouth widened a bit. No way. This was really Kamenashi Kazuya. The man that had saved his life. Maybe he was a different Kamenashi Kazuya. It didn’t mean it had to be this man right? He looked at the small boy. What would the chance be that there we to Kamenashi Kazuya’s with a nephew called Dan? No way, this had to be the Kamenashi Kazuya.
The young man coughed. “Err.. Are you alright?” He asked looking at the older man.
Yamashita’s eyes met the other man’s eyes. “Err… yeah fine sorry.. I was err.. yeah..” The man let out a nervous laugh. “My name is.. well er… you can call me Pi. All my friends call me Pi.” Yamashita chuckled again nervously.
“Alright.. Pi.. Nice to meet you.” Kamenashi shook his hand quickly. “Well you should get inside. It’s going to get cold tonight.”
“Y.. Yeah.. Thanks again.. Bye bye Dan..” He smiled at the young boy and waved at him. The young boy look at the stranger with wide eyes before waving slightly back. “Bye Kamenashi-san.” He bowed quickly and went inside.
***
“Are you sure you want to come with us Pi-chan?” Kamenashi said, looking backwards over his shoulder at the slightly older man. He watched as the man pulled the sled with Dan on top of it, making it turn around, which made Dan coo from joy. A smile formed on Kamenashi’s lips. Dan and Pi seemed to really connect quickly. Dan had immediately fallen in love with their new friend. Yesterday he had even cried when he had left. The mysterious man, who called himself Pi only, felt so bad for the young child that he had stayed until Dan fell asleep. Kame had wanted to ask him to sleep over but was too shy to ask. Even when he thought about it now it made him blush.
“Are you crazy? Of course I want to come. It’s a lot of fun with Dan and you.. And this way I can see some surroundings as well. Not to mention I could walk around the world with the shoes you gave me.”
Kamenashi chuckled. When he had saw which shoes he had taken with him he couldn’t help but laugh. Pi didn’t understand why he had to laugh so he explained. Since he had found out that they had the same shoe size he had given him an old pair of mountain shoes. In these surroundings mountain shoes would be much more comfortable than the shoes he had taken with him.
Kamenashi looked at Pi again. It had only been 4 days since he met Pi and he already didn’t want to think about the fact that there were only 3 days to come. Not only Dan but he himself also felt so comfortable around this man. It was like they had known each other for a very long time.
They finally arrived on the top of the hill. It was a short walk down and then they would be there. “Kame wait up.” He could hear the other man say. “It’s not very steep is it?”
Kame looked down. The hill wasn’t steep like Pi said. He smiled at the other man. “Should we use the sled down?”
Pi grinned. “Exactly my idea.” He grabbed Kame’s hand quickly and pulled him towards the sled. “You can sit behind Dan and I will sit behind you. It isn’t very big but if we scoot in we should be able to manage it.” Pi said, laughing. Kamenashi said down behind his little nephew. Pi sat down behind him. It was indeed a little cramped but it was possible. When Kame felt the arms of Pi around him holding both him and Dan his heartbeat quickened. He wrapped his arms closer around Dan as well.
“Hold on tight.” He heard from behind him and before he knew it they were sleighing down with little speed.
“Weeeeeeee.” The little Dan cooed happily. The young boy liked sleighing. Kamenashi, though, thought it was a bit scarier than he thought it was, so he closed his eyes tightly but felt secure in Pi’s strong arms, who held him even tighter.
At the end of the trail the sled started to sway before it fell over. Luckily the sled had slowed down a lot so they rolled softly in the snow. Dan was laughing happily and so were Kamenashi and Pi. They were lying in the cold snow for a while before Pi pressed himself up at one arm. Leaning on his elbow with his hand on his arm. He looked at Kamenashi with a smile on his face.
Kamenashi couldn’t help but blush again. “What? Do I have something on my face.”
Pi chuckled and shook his head. “I just thought you look very pretty, smiling like that.”
Kamenashi breath hitched and his heart skipped a beat. His cheeks started to heat up and he could feel another blush coming. He thanked the heavens that his cheeks were already red of the cold.
Kame started laughing. “You are crazy.” He stood up quickly and dusted the snow of his jacket. Than he kneeled down to help Dan stand up and knock the snow of his jacket as well. While he was doing that he could feel Pi standing behind him who was knocking the snow off his jacket on his back. Kame was happy that they all were wearing warm woolen mittens, otherwise their hands would have frozen.
Kame turned around and thanked Pi with a smile before patting some snow of his shoulders. Pi’s lips were blue and his cheeks red. “Cold?” He asked the other man.
“A bit..”
Kamenashi chuckled. “We should continue then. Before you are too cold.” He placed Dan on top of the sled again and walked further, Pi following him close after.
It didn’t take long before they were at the cemetery. In these few days Kame had explained to Pi that his brother had died and that he was taking care of his son now. Pi had said that he would have liked to meet him. When Kame told Pi that he was visiting the grave every Wednesday Pi said he wanted to come as well. Kame knocked the snow of the stones. “Hi Aniki.” He said happily. “Dan and I are here and we brought a friend. I know you would’ve liked him if you were here.”
***
“You would’ve liked him if you were here.” Yamashita had a lump in his throat. This man, who was lying here, if he would have been here there was a large chance that he himself wouldn’t be here. If this man was still here, alive, it probably would have meant that he himself would have a stone with his name on top of it. Yamashita’s smile faltered. He was so thankful for this man and for Kame for giving him a second chance but how could he ever tell Kame that the heart of his dear brother was inside of him?
He looked at the man next to him. He just couldn’t tell him yet. He could still see the sadness inside of his friends eyes. Could still feel the pain that he was feeling by losing his brother.
“We call him Pi.. He’s a bit mysterious like that..” Kame chuckled. “But I know he is a good guy.”
Their eyes met and Yamashita smiled at the young man. “Dan.. let’s pray.”
Yamashita could see the hands of the small young boy touch against each other and he was closing his eyes. Yamashita took this time to pray too so that he could thank the man in personal for the live he was given. It was silent for a short time. When Yamashita opened his eyes they met Kame’s eyes who was frowning a bit at him.
“You are a strange man Pi. Praying so seriously for a man you never met.” Kame’s eyes lit up and smiled again. “Care to tell me what you are praying for?”
Yamashita smiled. “Thanking him..” That was the truth.
Kame raised an eyebrow. “For what?”
“For raising such a good brother.” Yamashita chuckled and nudged him. That was a lie. But it was better for the both of them. He should tell him when the time was ripe.
“Oi!” Kame chuckled and nudged him back.
Yamashita wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. Dan already sat down on the sled expecting another quick ride. The older man took the rope and started walking back.
---
“Here drink this. It’ll make you feel warm.” Kame said when he walked in with two mugs of hot tea.
Yamashita was freezing. He hadn’t felt cold when they were walking but when they came home he found out that his fingers and toes were almost freezing. Kame had quickly wrapped him up in a blanket like a pro and went off to make some tea. Dan was sleeping on the blanket near the fire. Kamenashi sat down next to him. He was still shivering inside of his blanket and his toes and fingers started to hurt like hell. It was as if electric shocks hit them.
“You are really that cold huh?” Kame asked him.
He nodded. “The thought that I need to go outside to go to the hotel is killing me.”
Kame smiled. “Then don’t go. Stay here for tonight.”
Yamashita moved a bit closer to Kame and lied down against him. “Is that okay with you?”
Kamenashi smiled and wrapped an arm around the taller man just to huggle him warm. “Sure I don’t have to work tonight.. but you should call the hotel as well. They are always a tad worried. Well Atobe-san is.”
---
He couldn’t believe he was already going home today. The week had flown by. Every moment of the week he had spent with Kamenashi and Dan. When Kamenashi was working he was babysitting. He loved the cute little monster and he knew Dan loved him back. Yamashita couldn’t help but wonder. Maybe the small baby already knew that he had a special connection to his father.
But now he was already standing at the platform of the train station. Delaying the moment that he had to step into that train and leave Kamenashi and Dan at that platform.
Kamenashi smiled at him. “You should get inside. What if it will drive off without you?” He was holding Dan in his arms, who had been cranky all day, clearly feeling that something was off.
“God I really don’t want to go.” Yamashita said. He grabbed the small boy and held him in his arms. The young boy immediately wrapped his arms tightly around Yamashita’s neck, not wanting to let go.
“Dan is as sad as I am.” Kamenashi whispered and smiled a bit melancholic. “But you need to go. You only had one week off. You need to get back to work.”
Yamashita caught his eyes. “You are sad too?”
Kame looked away. “of course I am. I’ll miss you. But we’ll call a lot right? And we’ll meet up in weekends."
Yamashita’s heartbeat fastened. His head was telling him that he needed to tell him before he went back home. He had waited for the right moment. But the right moment had never come.
“Kame, I..”
Kame looked at him with his soft brown eyes and Yamashita’s heart was telling him that he couldn’t tell him now. He moved forward and pressed his lips on top of Kame’s. The kiss was slow, soft and simple but it was meaningful. It was only a week but they both know that the feeling they had for each other was special.
The conductor whistled. The train was leaving. Yamashita gave Dan quickly to Kame, who immediately started crying and waved his little chubby arms towards the elder. “Pi.. Pi… Pi..” He cried. Pi quickly jumped into the train before the doors closed. He waved at both Kame and Dan, already missing them a lot.
***
“I’m home.” The man said at the other side of the telephone.
“I’m glad to hear your voice.” Kame said. He twirled the line of the telephone around his finger. Like a crazy teenager in love. He smiled about himself when he noticed it. “Did your trip go well?”
“Yes everything went fine. Don’t worry.”
Kame could hear the tiredness in the others voice. “You must be tired from such a long train ride. You should go to bed and sleep.”
“I want to hear your voice a bit longer. How is Dan.”
“He cried himself to sleep tonight. He really misses you.” Kame said and looked upstairs.
“I miss him too.” Pi said. “I will try to come soon.”
“Go to bed now Pi.”
“I will. I will call you tomorrow.”
“Okay. Bye.” Kame said and moved his arm to put the telephone on the receiver.
“Kame..?”
Kame stopped moving and put the telephone to his ear again. “Yes.”
“I love you.” It was really silent at both sides of the telephone.
I love you was a big confession to make especially when you had only met each other for one week. But Kame knew it were the right words to say. When heard them leaving Pi’s mouth it had made him feel so happy. “I know. I love you too.”
---
A few days had already gone by and both Dan and he were missing Pi a lot. They talked everyday but it wasn’t the same as seeing each other nor could they feel each other’s presence or touch each other. But Kame knew he just had to go on with his normal life. So he went out with Dan, played with him in the snow and worked at nights while Inamoto-san took care of Dan again.
It was quit late when he came back tonight. He had to stock a lot of shelves today. He also needed to check and count all the cash registers. He took off his jacket and hung it on the peg. “I’m sorry Inamoto-san. I’m really late.”
“Oh nonsense darling. Well Dan is sleeping tight and I should go to bed too.” She walked to Kamenashi and pinched his cheeks. “And you should go to bed too. You look tired.”
Kame smiled. “I will Inamoto-san. Send my greetings to your husband.”
He walked to the kitchen to make some hot milk. The mail laid on the table. Inamoto-san had probably laid it there. He took the mail and the mug of hot milk and walked back to the living room, taking a seat close to the fire.
The most letters of the mail were bills to pay but then he got a letter with familiar handwriting.
A letter from Yamashita-san. He hadn’t thought about him for a long time. He had even forgotten about him. Since Pi had been here he didn’t think about that man at all.
He had written him back after he got the mail about the holiday to the beach but had forgotten him after that. He opened the letter and read the lines the man had written.
“Dear Kamenashi-san,
How have you been? I have just come back from my holiday at the beach.
It was a lot of fun. The weather had been really nice. I even swam in the ocean, though it was a bit too cold.
How was your week? And how is your nephew?
I hope you are doing well.
Today was my first day at work again. Even though I didn’t really want to go back home it was nice to see my colleagues again.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours sincerely
Yamashita Tomohisa.”
Kamenashi smiled. He was glad that the man had a nice trip. He knew that because of his sickness he hadn´t been able to go out on a trip at all. So he deserved to go on a trip a fortiori. Not to mention that he had been working his pants of the last few weeks.
Kame sighed. He would like to go on a trip to sometime. Maybe he could take Dan and, Kame smiled, maybe Pi would be able to come as well.
He chuckled as an high school girl with a crush and inwardly hit himself for that.
Kame picked up the letter, decided he would write back tomorrow and went upstairs. When he passed Dan’s room, he opened the door a little and peeked inside. He smiled. The young boy was sleeping like an angel. “Sweet dreams Dan..”
***
A few weeks had passed by like that. In that time they had met each other every other weekend, called every day, texted each other every hour, thought about each other every minute but missed each other every second. Yamashita didn’t understand how this feeling, he had for the younger man, had grown so strongly. All he knew is that he wanted to be together with him and the little Dan and not only for the weekend.
His heart had even skipped a beat when he read Kamenashi’s letters. Even though he knew that Kamenashi didn’t send those letters to him, Pi, but to Yamashita Tomohisa-san.
Yamashita bit his lips. All this time he hadn’t been able to tell Kame either. He knew the truth would come as a shock for the younger man, who had loved his brother deeply. He didn’t want to know what would happen when he did know so he decided to leave this a secret. Decided that he should never tell Kamenashi who’s heart was beating inside his chest. Whose life gave him another chance of living.
“Oi Yamashita-san.” His colleague said, grinning at him.
“Eh nani?” Yamashita asked, looking at his colleague who had just addressed him.
“You were zoning out Yamashita-san. Even though we were debating about this new product of us.” Nobu-san said, chuckling now, flipping her hair in a flirtatious way.
Yamashita chuckled. “Aah gomen, I was thinking about something.”
“penny for your thought Yamashita-san. Something or someone?” She raised an eyebrow.
Yamashita blushed and ducked his head, smiling happily.
“Oh my gosh… Yamashita-san.” The girl chuckled. “You have a girlfriend!”
Yamashita flinched at the word girlfriend. He wanted to tell her, shake her and shout at her that no it wasn’t a girl but a wonderful and gorgeous man. Prettier than many girls, even more caring than many women.
He just nodded though and smiled. “Yeah I have someone I like.”
“So this is what all those trips to the country are about?” She chuckled. “But what are you going to do? Is she going to move here or are you moving there?”
Yamashita wondered for a while. Kame and he hadn’t talked about that before. Of course he had his job and his parents here but the thought of tearing Kamenashi out of his hometown, the town he loved so much, the town where his brother was buried and where Dan was born, that was too hard to handle. He knew he couldn’t be that selfish.
“I will move there I guess.”
“But what about your job.” She asked, getting more serious now.
“I will just have to find something there I guess. I think I will talk about it tonight.” Yamashita chuckled.
Both of them started working again but deep down Yamashita was still thinking about what he should do.
---
The train stopped with a little bounce. Yamashita took his bags hurriedly and immediately walked to the exit of the train. His beating heart skipped a beat when he saw the beautiful man standing on the platform, waiting for him with Dan in his arms. Dan started to wave his arms happily in the air when he saw him, shouting: “Pi, Pi!” He ran towards them and hugged them both, dipping his head in Kamenashi’s neck, seeking the warmth and his boyfriends scent.
“Tadaima…” He whispered and Kamenashi smiled widely, pressing a butterfly kiss in his hair before whispering, “Okaeri.”
Yamashita looked up, into those dark brown orbs and smiled. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too..” They chuckled both.
Dan interrupted their moment though, angry for being ignored, he started to cry. Definitely wanting some attention from his Pi as well.
PI chuckled and grabbed the little Dan, pulling him close.
“And I missed you too, my little DanDan.”
The small, chubby arms wrapped around his tightly, deciding he would never let go him ever again.
---
“Ne..” Yamashita and Kamenashi sat near the fire. Yamashita had his arms wrapped around Kamenashi who was leaning against him. They were just enjoying their presence. Kame had managed to take at least Friday and Sunday night of. He had to work tomorrow though. Pi hadn’t minded. At least when Kamenashi came home they could sleep together tonight.
“What is it?” Yamashita looked at the younger man intently, wondering what he had wanted to say.
Kamenashi looked down, his bangs hiding his face. “Why won’t you tell me your real name?” Kamenashi asked and looked at him through the bangs.
Yamashita heart stopped beating for a second and bit his lip. He knew this question would come. He also knew that even though he had decided not to tell Kamenashi, there was no way that he couldn’t tell him. He placed a hand on his chest and inhaled deeply. The evidence was undoubtedly there.
Yamashita looked at the other man slowly, still biting his lips and Kamenashi was looking worriedly at him now.
“I… I can’t tell you yet. Not now. But I will promise that I will tell you.” Yamashita said, trying to find the right words.
Kamenashi nodded. “Okay I trust you.” The young man moved forward and kissed the others lips.
Yamashita savored the taste and pressed back. He nibbled on Kamenashi’s lower lip softly, running his hand across his back. The younger one opened his mouth slowly, granting access. Yamashita’s tongue entered the warm cavern, slowly touching their tongues together. Kamenashi moaned into the kiss and by the sound Yamashita started pulling him closer, intensifying the kiss. Yamashita’s hands moved under his boyfriend’s shirt, touching the soft skin under it. An electric shock moved through their bodies and they started to kiss each other even more hungrily. He was intoxicating, Yamashita suddenly thought when he moved over the soft flesh, and he was addicted.
They broke this kiss and looked at each other intently. Yamashita moved his hands to the top of his boyfriend’s shirt, opening the buttons slowly. He could hear Kamenashi inhaling deeply and he could feel the excited tremble through the others body. He smiled softly. Kamenashi was as excited as he was.
Small, white, trembling hands moved to his shirt as well, opening the buttons slowly. Suddenly Yamashita started to get nervous and afraid. What was he doing? What would happen when Kamenashi saw his scar. His hands halted and so did Kamenashi’s who was looking worriedly at him again.
“What’s wrong..” He whispered.
Yamashita swallowed. “I..” He started but was saved by Dan’s crying.
***
The days past so quickly and suddenly it was Sunday already. It had become spring in Chiwari, that week. The snow had melted and today a soft spring sun was warming the village on the hill. Dan and Pi were outside. Enjoying each other’s company and romping around.
Pi had already had to go home tonight, Kame pondered. He sighed deeply but couldn’t help but smile when heard a yelp outside. It was probably Pi, falling down dramatically, in order for Dan to laugh.
Shook out of his reveries, Kamenashi went back to doing what he had started to do. Which was cleaning up the place. Because there was so little time that Pi and he could be together, he didn’t care about cleaning up the place. He placed the dirty mugs, plates and pots on the kitchen cabinet, making a mental note that he should at least make Pi help, doing the dishes before he went home.
He walked back the table but didn’t look out in the process. He hit his knee against a chair and hissed in pain. Pi’s bag, which had been lying on top of it had fallen down and a few things had fallen out of it.
“Oh shit.” Kamenashi muttered and started picking up things and put them into his back. His hand stopped in mid-air though when he wanted to pick up a white bottle. It looked like a medicine bottle. Kamenashi bit his lips and picked it up. It was indeed a bottle for medicine. He read the words on top.
“Anti-rejection medicine?” Kamenashi gasped. “That means…” Kame suddenly thought about Friday night. That had been on the point to finally have sex but Pi had stopped him before they could move on. He couldn’t help but see the scar on his chest though, before Pi quickly buttoned his shirt again.
He gasped for air.
“Does that mean…”
The sounds outside made him come back to reality. As if he was burned, he quickly put the medicine bottle back in his bag, he grabbed the bag and put it on the chair.
He smiled when he heard Dan chuckling happily and decided to go to the garden and play as well. He couldn´t help but feel strange though. He wondered whether or not he knew the man, who was playing with his nephew. Why did he keep his secrets?
---
“Dan is exhausted.” Pi said when Kamenashi entered the room again.
Kame chuckled softly and gave him with one of the mugs with tea. “No wonder, after all that romping with you.” He answered as he looked at the little boy, sleeping deeply on the carpet next to the fireplace.
Pi smiled at Kame and pressed a kiss on his lips. “He is a boy. Boys should romp.”
“That’s what you think.. I never did that?” Kame chuckled.
“Aah I can’t believe that. Your brother must have romped a lot with you.” Pi said. “At least you had a brother to romp with.. I only have a little sister and when we romped, she cried and I was always the one at fault.”
“That’s because you are male.” Kame smiled at him.
“Sheer discrimination.” The older man said with a pout.
“Well worry about that a little more. In the meantime I’ll bring Dan to his bed.” Kame stood up and picked the little child up from the floor and carried him in his arms. The boy had been so tired and sleeping deeply that he didn’t even feel it.
Upstairs Kame put the child in bed and tugged him in carefully. He pressed a kiss on the soft rosy cheek and smiled. “Sleep tight Dan.”
He walked downstairs again. The hallway was cramped. A lot of Dan’s stuff were lying around and he had to wiggle and squirm to make it to the door. Losing his balance when he was standing on one foot he fell against the peg.
“Fuck.” He blurted out and stood up quickly. He rubbed the sore spot. Pi’s jacket had fallen down. He picked it up quickly. His breath quickened. By the feel of the weight, Pi had left his wallet in his jacket. Kame bit his lips. As he was whispering an apology his hand slid in the pocket and took out his wallet. The young man took a deep breath before opening it. His heartbeat quickened when he saw the ID card. Kame managed to take it out even though his hands were trembling. Why was he feeling this worried. He was only going to check his name. He needed to know. Pi would tell him son enough anyway so he could check his name right. Without knowing he had closed his eyes. He was feeling anxious and was scared to look at the ID-card. He took another deep breath for courage and opened his eyes. His eyes widened as he read the familiar name. Everything except for the card in his hands fell on the ground. The things around him seemed less clear as if everything was blurry. When he tasted the saltiness on his lips he knew the reason for it was that he was crying.
***
A loud bang and a soft ‘fuck’ shook him out of his reveries. Yamashita looked at the door, wondering if he had heard it correctly. “Kame? Are you alright?” He said, loud enough so Kame could hear it, if he really was in the hallway.
When he didn’t answer Yamashita started to feel worried. Did he really fall down? Was he hurt?
He quickly stood up and ran towards the door, opening it. “K..” he started but he couldn’t finish. His eyes widened when he saw Kame standing, only a feet away from him, with tears running over his face and a card in his hands which couldn’t be anything other than his ID-card.
“Kame..” He whispered and the man in front of him looked at him with a disgusted look on his face.
“You.. You asshole!!” He shouted. “How could you do this? Is this your idea of a joke?”
“Kame..” He whispered and walked to him to hug him but he Kame shoved him away and fell backwards.
“Kame I can explain.. Please..”
“Explain?” Kame snorted even though his tears were still running madly. “How could you ever. You You lied to me..”
Yamashita stood up quickly. “Kame please, just listen.”
“Never!! You lied to me!! And not about something unimportant.” He hit his chest and shoved him backwards. “In there..” He pointed towards Yamashita’s chest. “In there… !! Is my brothers heart!! You didn’t think that is important to tell me?? You bastard.”
“Kame, please, I know I had to tell you.. I just couldn’t, I..”
“Shut up.” Kame shouted, almost hysterically. “Shut up, shut up, shut up.” He pressed his hands against his ears and shook his head. “I don’t want to hear anything from you.” He bent down and grabbed Yamashita’s wallet. He threw it against Yamashita and bent down again to pick up the older man’s jacket so he could do the same thing again. “Take your stuff and fucking leave.” He shouted.
“Kame!” Yamashita shouted, his heart beating heavily. He was going to lose him. He was going to lose Kame.
“No LEAVE.. I never want to see you again.”
“Kame please.” He pleaded but to no avail.
“GO AWAY..” Kame screamed. The young man ran up the stairs and locked himself up in Dan’s room.
The older man ran after him and pounded on the door.
“Kame please.” He begged. “Please open the door and talk to me.” No one answered his call though. He placed his hands on the door and started to cry. “Kame please..” His legs couldn’t held up the weight anymore, his knees buckled, his hand slid over the door, until he sat on the ground, crying his heart out.
It must have been at least an hour that he sat like that. Crying, hitting the door, begging for forgiveness. He could hear Kame’s heart tearing sobs through the wooden door. After a while though, he knew that Kame would never go out of that door, if he was still here. He stood up slowly, making sure that his legs were steady enough to carry the weight before he walked down the stairs and left the home. Leaving everything but his jacket and wallet.
---
“Yamashita-san?” A voice shook his out of his reveries. He looked up and met the eyes of his colleague, who was looking at him worriedly.
“Aah I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention.” Yamashita mumbled and bit his lips.
It had been weeks since Kame had found out about his identity. In the meantime he had tried to call but no one picked up the phone. He had tried to write but Kame never wrote back. He had even tried to call Inamoto-san. But she had only told him that Kame was too sad and that it wasn’t time yet. It had made Yamashita feel even more terrible. He had asked her what he could do then? And he could hear the sympathy in her voice when she said, “Give it time.”
Yamashita bit his lips. Why hadn’t he told him right away. Why had he been such a coward. He had hurt him deeply and the pain from the guilt was slowly killing him.
“Yamashita-san? Are you alright?” His colleague asked him.
Yamashita looked up again looked at her and shook his head. “No I’m not..” He mumbled.
“Are you feeling unwell, are you developing a flue?” She asked again, still looking worried. “A few other colleagues had the virus as well maybe you caught it as well. You should go home Yamashita-san.”
Yamashita nodded. “I will ask the manager.”
After the manager had seen Yamashita’s face, he had immediately let him go home. It had made Yamashita smile a bit. The boss wasn’t that bad after all.
He threw of his shoes when he entered his home and walked inside. He checked the answering machine for new messages but there was nothing. Taking the phone, he dialed the numbers he knew by heart.
“This is the answering machine of Kazuya and Dan. You know what to do..”
He heard the high beeping sound mentioning that he could talk now.
“Kame.. I miss you.. I’m sorry.” He whispered and hung up the phone.
Normally when he tried to call them he would beg Kame to pick up the phone or beg him to call him back. He was too tired to do that now though and he knew that even if he did try it wouldn’t help.
He curled himself up on top his bed. He really didn’t feel okay.
***
Weeks, even months went by. Never had he talked to Pi again. When he called, he didn’t answer. When a letter came, he immediately threw them in the bin. And when Inamoto-san came to tell that he had called, he didn’t want to hear anything about him. He could not easily forgive him and he could absolutely not be with him. Pi carried his brothers heart. Dan’s fathers heart. It would be too strange and impossible. Kame sighed deeply. Even though, he missed him deeply, tremendously, enormously. The emptiness in his heart wasn’t describable. He wondered if this kind of missing outgrew even the missing of his brother. Kame had continued his daily life. Work and taking care of Dan and before Pi he had done it with much pleasure. But now… It seemed ridiculously hard to do on your own. Pi had helped him so much in the weekends and he had dreamed about a life with him, taking care of Dan together. Why did he had to lie? Why did Pi have to be Yamashita?
“Dan come here. We’re going to the little market.”
Dan, who had been playing on his tricycle, didn’t want to listen. He was playing and he was having fun. Why did his uncle always wanted him to stop on the fun moments. Kame, knowing what Dan must be thinking ran quickly to the child and picked him up.
“Come on Dan. You can continue when we come back.” The young man said and Dan, knowing that he had lost, gave in and nodded.
It was like always a short walk. The sun was shining happily, it had already become summer. The time flies. The manager of the supermarket welcomed Kamenashi with a smile on his face. It really was a small town, everybody knew everybody. Kame greeted the man and took the things that he needed for supper that night and some things for breakfast. He also took the candy, cause Dan had hold them tightly and he knew that if he would lay them back, hell would freeze over. He quickly paid at the checkout and left, calling Dan to come after him.