New.
I have to say I am glad to have found this community. I have been searching since 8am this morning for a place like this (everywhere else seemed to be pro ana).
What I am about to write could get a little long, so to be on the safer side, I'm going to chuck it into a cut, just incase.
I'm 20-years-old and have been suffering from low selfeseem and low self confidence problems since I was 6.
From being beaten mentally, physically and emotionally all through primary school and then into my early years of high school, I guess I quickly came to think that the only comments I deserved, were insults. And I now find myself doing it. Which I hate. I cannot accept a comment from anyone, my only response is a quick self insult. It's as if my mind if programed itself to 'insults are normal. Compliments are evil'
At about 13 I started to abuse my body, I would cut up my legs, arms, face and boobs, because I was so sick of the way my body looked. I started to force myself to vomit and also went days without eating, which came of no result. My body never once changed at all during those years of abuse, it's always stayed the same weight and kept the same curves that I dispise.
And to top it all off, the string of boyfriends that I had between the ages of 16-19 were either violently abusive (everything from being cheated on to being zapped with a cattle prod, because he thought it was funny), constantly put me down and made me feel like a dirty rag and to top that off they've all cheated on me. Which only makes me feel like I a some ugly sod, who deserves to be treated like absolute shit by partners. Making me feel that I am not good enough for anyone, never will be and I should die alone and abandon all hopes of ever finding happieness.
I look at the scars on my body and it angers me to think about how stupid I was back then. I look at pictures from when I was younger and think "Why the fuck did I think I was fat and ugly back then?" ...yet I still think horrible things about myself. As for the cutting, I have not cut since I was 17.
I'm tired of the people around me constantly yelling at me for having a problem like this. In all honesty I cannot help it, but I do wish to change it. Their yelling isn't going to change it. It just annoys me when other people cannot understand, that no matter what size, colour or how normal you may appear to be... everyone has problems.
I want to see what other people claim they see. I want to be able to accept something nice when it's said to me. I wish just to feel happy in my own skin, even if only for a split second.
Yes, I can admit that I am not happy with myself. But I want to change that, becuase I believe that somewhere tucked deep down, there is actually a small part of me that doens't think I am that bad. I want to be able to find that part and teach the rest of me to learn to accept myself the way I am.
I just wanna love myself the way God made me....
What I am about to write could get a little long, so to be on the safer side, I'm going to chuck it into a cut, just incase.
I'm 20-years-old and have been suffering from low selfeseem and low self confidence problems since I was 6.
From being beaten mentally, physically and emotionally all through primary school and then into my early years of high school, I guess I quickly came to think that the only comments I deserved, were insults. And I now find myself doing it. Which I hate. I cannot accept a comment from anyone, my only response is a quick self insult. It's as if my mind if programed itself to 'insults are normal. Compliments are evil'
At about 13 I started to abuse my body, I would cut up my legs, arms, face and boobs, because I was so sick of the way my body looked. I started to force myself to vomit and also went days without eating, which came of no result. My body never once changed at all during those years of abuse, it's always stayed the same weight and kept the same curves that I dispise.
And to top it all off, the string of boyfriends that I had between the ages of 16-19 were either violently abusive (everything from being cheated on to being zapped with a cattle prod, because he thought it was funny), constantly put me down and made me feel like a dirty rag and to top that off they've all cheated on me. Which only makes me feel like I a some ugly sod, who deserves to be treated like absolute shit by partners. Making me feel that I am not good enough for anyone, never will be and I should die alone and abandon all hopes of ever finding happieness.
I look at the scars on my body and it angers me to think about how stupid I was back then. I look at pictures from when I was younger and think "Why the fuck did I think I was fat and ugly back then?" ...yet I still think horrible things about myself. As for the cutting, I have not cut since I was 17.
I'm tired of the people around me constantly yelling at me for having a problem like this. In all honesty I cannot help it, but I do wish to change it. Their yelling isn't going to change it. It just annoys me when other people cannot understand, that no matter what size, colour or how normal you may appear to be... everyone has problems.
I want to see what other people claim they see. I want to be able to accept something nice when it's said to me. I wish just to feel happy in my own skin, even if only for a split second.
Yes, I can admit that I am not happy with myself. But I want to change that, becuase I believe that somewhere tucked deep down, there is actually a small part of me that doens't think I am that bad. I want to be able to find that part and teach the rest of me to learn to accept myself the way I am.
I just wanna love myself the way God made me....