This week would have been pretty steady if I hadn't
worked myself up to a strange little episode in the cab today after rehearsal. It was crazy, but I admit anyway I wasn't clean. My heart was beating real slow and then I was palpitating the whole episode, I was getting pretty pale, and it was a little hard to breathe, just gasping for air the experience was unbelievable. Later I couldn't hear a few things, and I heard my heart beating, it's crazy, I'm not trying to be figurative. Soon I was bathed in cold sweat and I felt like I was going to die. I asked him if I could lie down on his backseat and he said yes, and boy was that the most excruciating cab drive ever. He offered me thrice to let him drive me into some emergency room, but if I did that it would cause more problems than what I had right there. Didn't have much money on me and calling my friends(would never call family into something like this)would change the dynamics of our relationship, even if they would have dropped what they were doing to make a determined detour for me, nah. I was built to last, I think and I bared it home where it got better gradually. I feel really empty inside though. It's a little scary. And I still remember how it feels, slowed heartbeat and all. I think I was about to go. I felt like passing out if I weren't in so much pain. Staying in the taxi line and trudging about places with my bass on was painful. I just told myself hours from now I'm going to be laughing at myself, and of course emerge a little proud. I'm plenty fine now :) laughing at jokes and rolled a joint I'm plenty fine. But I'm not going to forget anytime soon how I thought I was going to die and had believed in it 100%. I was sweating cold and I couldn't feel my face or the tips of my ears and breathing was strenuous. Crazy. I've stabilized now. And plenty hungry.
THIS IS FOR YOU
Fucking fascinating, what you're talking about when we talk about him. Girls and their delusions, when guys talk to you with all their smileys, how about you think for a second. Respect yourself and be a little bit more complicated. Ever stopped to think that he's not that into you and you're being a fool with your thoughts and your giddy feelings, boy do you "fall in love" so easily and this is a comment most appropriate for you. Hey, I will punch you, if you tread so carelessly on things related to me, we are not good friends anymore and you know that, our distance says that much. We're past the honeymoon stage and now we're in a kind of limbo we don't really pay that much attention too. Well, this isn't new now is it?
I'm a little heavy-handed today, bad weather, terrible ordeal and an empty wallet-- They're pretty much what constitutes my LEAST favorite things to happen in one day, but I have a sack of things to be convivial about, let me strut down to that chimerical bag in my head that holds memory. For at least a day or something. Well okay, I don't partly remember everything that happened this week so far at least, but there were a bunch of rehearsals and I'm recording tomorrow with a band unrelated to the rehearsals and... Really I think the highlight was chilling at Wendel's flat with Kulas. He's just such a great host and a man full of happy. Anyway this week has been plenty tiring though.
Also it's been a long time since I held anybody or kissed them or cupped their face with my hand or ever been in bed, I wasn't lonely to begin with, but what I love about him is that I could leave for a year and communicate with him sparsely and he wouldn't be against anything. Also he'll be the first to reach out. I miss you so much it hurts, or I always think of you... When are you coming back or what happened why haven't you been replying? I've been conflicted these past few weeks, but what I found out of it is that it is amazing how we will end up together. And no matter what I say about him, he'll always tell you he's the one lucky to be with me.
I'm still attracted to women like I'm attracted to cars(attraction is normal. Sorry but this lady does not cheat. Don't flirt around either, I take extra notice that I don't. And like I stated up there, I'm not the type who "falls in love" easily.), and of course I've told him all that had to be said, and I have his support. Help from him which I don't need, anyway, I don't get him mixed up with my problems and I hardly ask for anything let alone his help, but I lay low with being tough, purposefully I fall so he'd pick me up. We're talking figuratively. Anyway, It's cute and I'm glad he's starting to adapt to my independence. We've come a long way actually. And we really aren't almost 4 years for nothing, and it's amazing how there are a few something-something's that have passed before, and are passing by again. When I saw him today after weeks and weeks I tried not to look at him because I was getting so flustered and it was warming how his eyes teared and I just knew, somehow I was meant to be in this, to see this, to feel this, to have this more in the future and to erase my future singularity. It was what we both needed, after a long while I was sorting things, this was what we both needed. I don't have to see him all the time or talk to him all the time, if we were silent the whole time we're together, I would love that. I only want him to be beside me and I want him to match my loyalty. And that's all I ever want, it isn't as simple as I've put it, but the depth is heart-warming. I wouldn't care if he cheated on me, I wouldn't care if he dumped me. The time we've had has been great. Though I will find that other lady and I punch her in the face, and then punch him in the face too for not honouring our pact that if we can't help but fall in love with someone else, at least have the decency to respect the other by breaking up. But that'll be all I'd do. I'll be a little upset if that's the case of course, but if he dumped me, which I've been unsuccessful at trying to make him dump me, I'll be happy.
I still think up to this day, that you'll be happier with someone else. I know when I think like this it makes you ineffably lugubrious, but listen to me, you've thought of this for me as well. I like how you say when things are tough, it's so that when we're married it'll be smooth-sailing. That when we break it's to make us stronger. You always tell me this, and I know why, because I'm lucky to have you. I may have fallen in-love again with the same person. This is particularly why I don't mind seeing him for weeks and weeks. I may have the inability to miss you as much as you miss me(this is a mind thing, and I have reasons that might sound romantic to you but really I'm just stating the facts methodically), but it's great how we keep laughing and keeping this thing as steady as ever, and understanding how our differences can be swell to have around, this is something I want to invest in for the rest of my life. Even when I told you to leave me and I wanted you to leave me, you didn't. You are amazing. Because you trust me and you know I'm plenty good inside, and nobody has ever viewed me past my uncomfortable truths but you and until now you are still as sweet as ever and you never stopped. Which is why I treat you differently from everyone else. I'm indifferent to shit people, and you're the only one who isn't shit. :) He's my sunbear. And have I been loving it that he's been protective. I wish you'd be even more protective! I have this thing see, I love it when you restrict me of things. Too much information really.
THIS IS FOR YOU
Fucking fascinating, what you're talking about when we talk about him. Girls and their delusions, when guys talk to you with all their smileys, how about you think for a second. Respect yourself and be a little bit more complicated. Ever stopped to think that he's not that into you and you're being a fool with your thoughts and your giddy feelings, boy do you "fall in love" so easily and this is a comment most appropriate for you. Hey, I will punch you, if you tread so carelessly on things related to me, we are not good friends anymore and you know that, our distance says that much. We're past the honeymoon stage and now we're in a kind of limbo we don't really pay that much attention too. Well, this isn't new now is it?
I'm a little heavy-handed today, bad weather, terrible ordeal and an empty wallet-- They're pretty much what constitutes my LEAST favorite things to happen in one day, but I have a sack of things to be convivial about, let me strut down to that chimerical bag in my head that holds memory. For at least a day or something. Well okay, I don't partly remember everything that happened this week so far at least, but there were a bunch of rehearsals and I'm recording tomorrow with a band unrelated to the rehearsals and... Really I think the highlight was chilling at Wendel's flat with Kulas. He's just such a great host and a man full of happy. Anyway this week has been plenty tiring though.
Also it's been a long time since I held anybody or kissed them or cupped their face with my hand or ever been in bed, I wasn't lonely to begin with, but what I love about him is that I could leave for a year and communicate with him sparsely and he wouldn't be against anything. Also he'll be the first to reach out. I miss you so much it hurts, or I always think of you... When are you coming back or what happened why haven't you been replying? I've been conflicted these past few weeks, but what I found out of it is that it is amazing how we will end up together. And no matter what I say about him, he'll always tell you he's the one lucky to be with me.
I'm still attracted to women like I'm attracted to cars(attraction is normal. Sorry but this lady does not cheat. Don't flirt around either, I take extra notice that I don't. And like I stated up there, I'm not the type who "falls in love" easily.), and of course I've told him all that had to be said, and I have his support. Help from him which I don't need, anyway, I don't get him mixed up with my problems and I hardly ask for anything let alone his help, but I lay low with being tough, purposefully I fall so he'd pick me up. We're talking figuratively. Anyway, It's cute and I'm glad he's starting to adapt to my independence. We've come a long way actually. And we really aren't almost 4 years for nothing, and it's amazing how there are a few something-something's that have passed before, and are passing by again. When I saw him today after weeks and weeks I tried not to look at him because I was getting so flustered and it was warming how his eyes teared and I just knew, somehow I was meant to be in this, to see this, to feel this, to have this more in the future and to erase my future singularity. It was what we both needed, after a long while I was sorting things, this was what we both needed. I don't have to see him all the time or talk to him all the time, if we were silent the whole time we're together, I would love that. I only want him to be beside me and I want him to match my loyalty. And that's all I ever want, it isn't as simple as I've put it, but the depth is heart-warming. I wouldn't care if he cheated on me, I wouldn't care if he dumped me. The time we've had has been great. Though I will find that other lady and I punch her in the face, and then punch him in the face too for not honouring our pact that if we can't help but fall in love with someone else, at least have the decency to respect the other by breaking up. But that'll be all I'd do. I'll be a little upset if that's the case of course, but if he dumped me, which I've been unsuccessful at trying to make him dump me, I'll be happy.
I still think up to this day, that you'll be happier with someone else. I know when I think like this it makes you ineffably lugubrious, but listen to me, you've thought of this for me as well. I like how you say when things are tough, it's so that when we're married it'll be smooth-sailing. That when we break it's to make us stronger. You always tell me this, and I know why, because I'm lucky to have you. I may have fallen in-love again with the same person. This is particularly why I don't mind seeing him for weeks and weeks. I may have the inability to miss you as much as you miss me(this is a mind thing, and I have reasons that might sound romantic to you but really I'm just stating the facts methodically), but it's great how we keep laughing and keeping this thing as steady as ever, and understanding how our differences can be swell to have around, this is something I want to invest in for the rest of my life. Even when I told you to leave me and I wanted you to leave me, you didn't. You are amazing. Because you trust me and you know I'm plenty good inside, and nobody has ever viewed me past my uncomfortable truths but you and until now you are still as sweet as ever and you never stopped. Which is why I treat you differently from everyone else. I'm indifferent to shit people, and you're the only one who isn't shit. :) He's my sunbear. And have I been loving it that he's been protective. I wish you'd be even more protective! I have this thing see, I love it when you restrict me of things. Too much information really.