Compartmentalization
It's something I've been thinking about lately. My life used to be far, far more compartmentalized than it is now. I think I miss that.
There was a time when keeping my life in separate boxes was the only thing that kept me safe. Or, if not safe, at least it provided the illusion of safety, which was something I sorely needed as a child. My parents had a habit of either trying to cut me off from friends if they were made aware of them, or of using access to my friends as leverage or punishment. Example, "I don't know if ----- would want to have a sleepover with someone who still wets the bed." Said in front of -----. Humiliation city, population me. It was much better to keep as much distance between my friends (when I had them) and my parents as possible.
And then there were the years where I had no friends. Years in which I did every single thing I could to keep my home life and my school life separate. Because, honestly, both were hell. The only thing that made either of them worse was crossing the streams of them. It was an essential, urgent thing to build walls between the parts and do everything I could to keep life from breaching those walls..
As I grew up, compartmentalizing the different parts of my life became a comfortable habit. Work people? Didn't need to know about my hobbies. Gaming friends? Didn't need to know my SCA friends, and vice versa. Parents? Didn't need to know anything about anything. At some point, I realized that it just felt safer. Fewer explanations, less weirdness, and so on.
And I know how weird it is to say this to the mixed audience that LJ has become.
I think part of it was that I could be one part of myself with some people, another part with others, and that was safe, because if one part was judged deficient, well, there were always other parts. I've always been more parts than whole. I don't see that changing, although there are far fewer walls around the parts of my life than there used to be.
More on this later, I suppose. I'm struggling to articulate how the walls coming down have impacted the way I make art and pursue opportunities.
There was a time when keeping my life in separate boxes was the only thing that kept me safe. Or, if not safe, at least it provided the illusion of safety, which was something I sorely needed as a child. My parents had a habit of either trying to cut me off from friends if they were made aware of them, or of using access to my friends as leverage or punishment. Example, "I don't know if ----- would want to have a sleepover with someone who still wets the bed." Said in front of -----. Humiliation city, population me. It was much better to keep as much distance between my friends (when I had them) and my parents as possible.
And then there were the years where I had no friends. Years in which I did every single thing I could to keep my home life and my school life separate. Because, honestly, both were hell. The only thing that made either of them worse was crossing the streams of them. It was an essential, urgent thing to build walls between the parts and do everything I could to keep life from breaching those walls..
As I grew up, compartmentalizing the different parts of my life became a comfortable habit. Work people? Didn't need to know about my hobbies. Gaming friends? Didn't need to know my SCA friends, and vice versa. Parents? Didn't need to know anything about anything. At some point, I realized that it just felt safer. Fewer explanations, less weirdness, and so on.
And I know how weird it is to say this to the mixed audience that LJ has become.
I think part of it was that I could be one part of myself with some people, another part with others, and that was safe, because if one part was judged deficient, well, there were always other parts. I've always been more parts than whole. I don't see that changing, although there are far fewer walls around the parts of my life than there used to be.
More on this later, I suppose. I'm struggling to articulate how the walls coming down have impacted the way I make art and pursue opportunities.