How to Save a Life...(careful, this really IS a novel)
NOTE: The names of this story have been changed for privacy, b/c who knows who really reads this thing...especially from USF.
Oh, yeah and this entry may actually take an hour to read, just as a forewarning..
For part of this semester my friend Tara has been becoming involved with this guy that lives in the same dormitory. Normally, I don't care what happens in someone's personal life. They can do what they want, and I'll keep my mouth shut unless they ask for it. But for this situation in particular even though it maybe an invasion of privacy I have to write about it. I can't stop thinking about it, and the outcome has gotten me in a whirlwind of emotions.
Throughout the involvment, she has been coming into my room and giving me updates about whats going on between them. She'd burst into my room and say things like "Omg, we had sex, like all night or I am so depressed because he didn't call me today" And I'd just sit there and listen, cuz thats mostly what our friendship has consisted of this past semester. But this is what gets me fuming about the relationship:
The guy has had a girlfriend for about 4 or 5 years now. She became involved knowing that. He's told her that he's not going to leave his girlfriend for her. And Tara continues with the relationship because she enjoys his company and he says the sweetest things to her, and she understands what he's going through b/c she's cheated with guys before.
A few weeks ago, she told me the story of how her two best friends tested positive for chlamydia. And one of them has only had 1 partner. (Chlamydia is the most common STD in 18-24 years, however it can be cured with a couple weeks of treatment with antiobiotics)
She mulled over getting tested for it because she's had SEVERAL sexual partners ever since she became sexually active and she'll admit that she doesn't always use a condom. (She partly considers herself a nympho) And I kept telling her to get tested, b/c she's constantly sick and I've straight up told her, I don't think thats a good thing.
But she never did, until a few days ago..
It happened a couple days after spring break. I was sitting in my room studying and she came into my room and burst out crying. Saying that she really needed to talk to someone. I said come in, and she cried the hardest I've ever seen her cry. The reason? He had been ignoring her for the past couple days and she was sure it was over b/c he just texted her saying he needed to talk. I told her that she shouldn't start thinking the worst, and if she really wants to know she needs to talk to him. But whatever happens its going to be okay. I had seen it before, he doesn't call or respond to her texts for one day and she gets incredibly depressed and down on herself.
But I hadn't seen her cry this much..and she would wail about how she really let someone in and he completely tore her heart in pieces..About how she's never going to do that again..
Later on that night when we were talking in my room, he came by and asked to talk to her. Apparently he had contacted the chlamydia they never knew she had. And he had passed it onto his girlfriend. So what did he do? He had to tell his mom everything (apparently he's a big momma's boy), and his mom wants him to salvage the relationship with his g/f. And he agrees. So he asked Tara to help him figure out a way to tell his g/f that he didn't contract the disease from someone else, b/c she definitely knows something is up. And she agreed. He was nice about the whole situation and said he was going to take her the next day to get tested at a clinic, and they even kissed goodbye.
She came to me immediately afterwards with a feeling of relief more than anything. She was glad he didn't end things. But she felt awful, because he had trusted her and she feels dirty. I said theres no point in dwelling on these feelings, and the best thing to do is get tested right away. But I also told her my ultimate sympathies lied with the girlfriend. Its just a horrible situation for her (not to mention she works 4 jobs!) more than anyone else, b/c he's creeping on her and trying to hide everything. She agreed.
The next day, she came into my room about to leave for the clinic to get tested. I asked if he was going with her, and she said he hadn't called all day but it was fine with her b/c she'd rather go by herself. But she wasn't sure if she could b/c she was menstruating. She went anyways, just to ask.
So apparently you can't get tested when you're on your period..but from the events that she told me that took place later that night you can have great sex with a guy who's already committed to someone else..(I added the already committed, myself---p.s. its good to know that even though someone else is on antibiotics for an STD, and the other person knows they probably have it still feel the need to engage in intercourse anyways--it makes me feel really good. NO, NOT REALLY!!!!
So the next day we were having dinner in the cafeteria. And she asked me what I thought of the entire situation. (She already knew my feelings for the most part that I didn't like it and she deserved a committed relationship, not something on the side) But this time I added more things. And of course, everytime I tell her these things I preface it by saying "I don't think you're gonna like what I have to say, but this is from any outsiders point of view b/c you tell me everything" And she welcomes the opinions.
I told her I don't like the situation at all. Especially now since people's healths are at risk. I told her that I wish I could see their relationship go the rest of the semester without sex because from what she's told me it seems like this is all based on it. And she replied saying theres more to our relationship than just sex, why would he say that he loves me and he would do such nice things for me? And I told her, cuz his g/f's not here having sex with him, you are. But I don't think love is someone who isn't fully committed to you. And that she deserves someone who is going to be there 100% of the time for her. Throughout my whole reply she kept saying "you're right, you're right" and she seemed okay with it...I think she knows deep down that I am, but its hard for her to accept it and face realities..
Then 10 minutes later she said "Hey I wanna ask you a question" and I said, okay..Then she took a few seconds to formulate her thoughts, and she said "Okay, homosexuality is based on someone's sexual preference right?" And I said "Yes, I suppose so" and she said "Well, then how is it different from being a pedophile or a necrophiliac (Someone who has sex with dead people) because they have their choice of sexual preference...so whats the difference?
I was in disbelief, I was in shock..I told her "are you kidding me? omg, I can't believe we are having this conversation" She was dead-on serious. I asked her where she came up with this because it felt like she was angry with me for saying the things that I did and she wanted to find some kind of way to hurt me the most. She said (with a 5 second pause as if she had to come up with the source as quickly as possible) "I got it from my mother, b/c her co-workers at the psych hospital have talked about it...its actually this big controversy"
I was too in shock to formulate my responses and I'm no good in debates anyways, so I told her "Well, okay for one thing being a pedophile and necrophiliac is against the law..and obviously they have severe psychological problems" And she said, "Well, gay marriage is against the law, and whos to say homosexuals don't have psychological problems"
I told her to I was getting really offended and she looked at me really wide and innocent like "No, I was just hoping you could help me understand the difference, and I just want you to be aware of the controversy and she said really loudly emphasizing b/c you're gay"
I was visibly getting so huffy and about it and saying several times "I just can't believe this" and asked if this had anything to do with what I said earlier, and she was shocked saying no way..I kept saying "okay you're offending me, especially if you think gay people may have psychological problems" and she clarified it by saying well heteros may have it too, I just want to understand the the difference, but I'm going to ask other gay people too. And I said, okay when you do, let me know their response..And I made it clear I didn't want to talk about it. The whole conversation didn't seem to phase her at all, she went on her bubbly self as we changed subjects and then walked upstairs..
Then we went to the computer lounge and she sat down at the computer while I watched TV with a couple girls from our floor. Sitting right next to Tara was a straight girl who used to be the VP of a gay straight alliance club they had on campus (before people complained and told them to have their meetings somewhere else other than a catholic school)
I asked Tara to go ahead and ask the VP (we all know each other b/c we live next door to each other) to ask the difference..and Tara said in a surprised voice "Difference about what? what are you talking about?" I said "about the debate we were having at dinner" And she got incredibly pissed off and said it wasn't a debate and stormed out the room. Nobody in the lounge said anything b/c you could cut the tension with a knife.
I didn't feel bad. I felt really good actually. I felt good to actually call somone up on something instead of just sitting there thinking about how bad it makes me feel..And it kind of proved my point. I wanted to see if she'd actually bring up the conversation to other people. Because it was basically the most ridiculous and absurd comparison I had ever heard. And now, obviously she really wasn't dying to know the difference...
Later that night she wrote me this note and put it under my door. It said that she was sorry for being insensitive about the question she had, and that she forgets sometimes b/c I'm so unemotional alot of the times. She was just trying to relate because its hard for her sometimes. And she wanted to make it clear that it was in no way a debate and she just wanted to make me understand the controversy and dispute it. But she "loves me, and nice, gay people"
I threw the note across the room. I wanted to rip it up in a million pices.
I was still angry. I'm still fuming. I Don't know when I won't be angry anymore, but I don't think its going to be anytime soon.
Because it felt like she comparing moralities, my lifestyle to hers, and she took the most hurtful and ridiculous things ever and threw it in my face b/c she couldn't face the realities of her life so she wanted to supposedly make me aware of mine...whats even more fucked up is at one time she wondered if she was bi-sexual b/c she was messing around with this one girl who was giving her lots of attention.
She came home drunk the next night around 3:30am with the boy and I made the mistake of opening my door at the exact moment they were about to go into her room because I thought someone was knocking on mine.
I saw her and said "hey" and she said "hey, hey did you get my note" And I said "yes.." and she said "why didn't you write me back?, it really hurt my heart" and I scoffed (because nancy always makes fun of that to me and it makes me laugh) and I told her I don't want to get into it b/c its 3am and she's drunk..but she said she wanted to talk..
So as we were getting into a heated discussion the boy slowly backed away, as if 'whoa I don't wanna get involved' (little did he know he was the breaking point in Tara and I's friendship)
I told her, I'm still really offended about the "debate" we had because I don't for the life of me understand how someone could group those things together.
She yelled really loudly "OMG! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU'RE STILL MAD ABOUT THAT! IS OUR FRIENDSHIP GOING TO END BECAUSE OF THAT?!?!"
And I said its not just that, its other things too. Its hard for me to hear and watch you go through the things that you do sometimes.
(I didn't tell her this, but times such as drinking and driving to the point where she doesn't even remembering driving home...the STD's...the fuckin jerk boy who makes her already unstable moods waver up and down....the other sexual encounters she's had at this school with the boys who already have g/f's and then don't acknowledge her in the cafeteria the next day... her distorted body image that lead her to diets that consist of nothing but grapefruit juice and cottage cheese)
I've told her before, its exhausting to hear about the things that she does and go through because I do care about her and I think she deserves better, and at times it feels like she has such low self-esteem its destructive...(If I sound judgemental, maybe I am but drinking and driving is something I despise among other things)
She responded with a "wow, if you're still angry about that you must be really insecure with your homosexuality..because supposedly at the party she was at earlier that night she asked a gay girl the same debate and the girl said "oh, I don't know..hmm but oh well, thats something to think about" and supposedly they went on partying and it didn't bother her at all. But I didn't believe that for a second, it sounded like she just pulled that conversation out of her ass. But I was tired, and she was drunk and I just told her, "you know, fine you're right I really must insecure with my homosexuality"
And the argument ended with me saying "Its just hard to watch you go through the things that do sometimes" and she was about to slam the door and said "Thats it, thats it, you just don't like me, thats what it is" and as she slammed the door I said "you're not even listening to what I'm saying"
And we haven't talked since....
I've talked to my friends about it, and they pretty much feel the same way I do..they thought it was a vengeful, hurtful thing to say..and when I tell them, I'm just not sure what I want to do but I do know I want to take some time off from our friendship they tell me that I don't need the added stress she puts on me...with how stressful life is already I need friends who won't add on more stress.
And their right, I know their right it makes sense..When I was seeing a counselor he asked me what exactly is it do I get out of the friendship between Tara and I..and I honestly had no idea on my part. I knew exactly what she got on her end--someone to listen to her endlessly about what was going in her life, in full detail..because when you think about it--how many good friends are willing to really be concerned with whats going on in YOUR life and will sit there and listen attentively and not be so self-absorbed..But just because a friend doesn't do that alot, it doesn't mean they're a bad friend, its just that everyone has so many different things going on in THEIR life, its hard to sit down and focus on someone else's intensely..
I personally, find that I have a select few I can do that with, and for that I'm so lucky.
But I was really at a loss of words at what I got out of Tara and I's friendship because it seems like she gives me more more grief then pleasure. So does that really mean that I don't like her as a person? My counselor said, it was just things that she did to herself that made me uneasy..So how do I fix that? It seems like now even if we do go back to her talking the way she used to, I won't give her my viewpoint b/c she's just going to do the things that she wants to do...
I know she's really upset that I'm mad at her. She's been asking people advice but just telling them that I'm mad at her because she thinks its a choice..which fuckin pisses me off even more that she's leaving out important details.
It doesn't bother me if you think its a choice. I get asked that all the time. And they straight up tell me they think its a choice. It doesn't bother me, I can't completely change what people think all in one conversation. My response? No, I don't think its a choice. Why would I go through everyday knowing that the worst is coming when I confront my parents about it? Would I really choose to live a lifestyle in which it feels so hard to connect to someone because in any situation a guy can come up to a girl and thats fine..like asking someone out in a bar or a bookstore for example..but if you're in a bar (except obviously for gay bars) and you're a girl and you go up to a girl with the intention of asking them out, if they're not gay, they'd probably be like wtf does she want?
As for the whole being insecure about my homosexuality...
I know I have friends who don't understand it. And how would I really expect them too, its hard for them to understand that I get nervous around girls but not guys. And I know I have friends here who don't approve of it. I have friends who have gradually stopped talking to me because of it, and I know people here who don't acknowledge me in the cafeteria b/c of it...And we all know what my parents think of it. Its definitely hard because I don't have close gay friends here. There are times when I feel like I don't have them at all anywwhere because its hard enough to get them to respond to me through AIM, how can I do it through real life? And most of it is probably my fault, maybe my insecurity does come out sometimes. Maybe they just feel like they can't connect or relate to me in general or my personality.
But alot of the times it just feels like I have no one in my corner when it comes to those things, no one who will ever feel the same way I do about it. At times I feel like I get the whole disapproving vibe from the rest of the world, I don't need it from my close friends. Alot of the gay people I know, at least have one parent who acknowledges it or is trying to be fine with it..but I don't have that, I don't know whats thats like. I get so many negative messages more than positive ones that I'm just trying to be okay with myself first before I can really be good for someone else. And whats a good solution to help with that? Be active in the gay community, with PRIDE, etc. I applaud people who do that and if I felt I had enough strength and courage and belief in myself I would find how to get involved with something like that around the community. But I keep working everyday on it, sometimes I take two steps backwards but for the most part I'm getting better at it.
And with the exception of this situation I feel like that even though some of my friends don't understand it, thats okay because they support me as a person. They're fine with me talking about it when I want to, and they won't discriminate against me because of it.
And thats what hurt so much with this. So what am I going to do now? How will it be when I pass by her in the hallway and we pretend like we don't see each other? Do I really want that? No. But do I still really want her as a close friend? I just don't know...I really don't.
"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"
~The Fray
Oh, yeah and this entry may actually take an hour to read, just as a forewarning..
For part of this semester my friend Tara has been becoming involved with this guy that lives in the same dormitory. Normally, I don't care what happens in someone's personal life. They can do what they want, and I'll keep my mouth shut unless they ask for it. But for this situation in particular even though it maybe an invasion of privacy I have to write about it. I can't stop thinking about it, and the outcome has gotten me in a whirlwind of emotions.
Throughout the involvment, she has been coming into my room and giving me updates about whats going on between them. She'd burst into my room and say things like "Omg, we had sex, like all night or I am so depressed because he didn't call me today" And I'd just sit there and listen, cuz thats mostly what our friendship has consisted of this past semester. But this is what gets me fuming about the relationship:
The guy has had a girlfriend for about 4 or 5 years now. She became involved knowing that. He's told her that he's not going to leave his girlfriend for her. And Tara continues with the relationship because she enjoys his company and he says the sweetest things to her, and she understands what he's going through b/c she's cheated with guys before.
A few weeks ago, she told me the story of how her two best friends tested positive for chlamydia. And one of them has only had 1 partner. (Chlamydia is the most common STD in 18-24 years, however it can be cured with a couple weeks of treatment with antiobiotics)
She mulled over getting tested for it because she's had SEVERAL sexual partners ever since she became sexually active and she'll admit that she doesn't always use a condom. (She partly considers herself a nympho) And I kept telling her to get tested, b/c she's constantly sick and I've straight up told her, I don't think thats a good thing.
But she never did, until a few days ago..
It happened a couple days after spring break. I was sitting in my room studying and she came into my room and burst out crying. Saying that she really needed to talk to someone. I said come in, and she cried the hardest I've ever seen her cry. The reason? He had been ignoring her for the past couple days and she was sure it was over b/c he just texted her saying he needed to talk. I told her that she shouldn't start thinking the worst, and if she really wants to know she needs to talk to him. But whatever happens its going to be okay. I had seen it before, he doesn't call or respond to her texts for one day and she gets incredibly depressed and down on herself.
But I hadn't seen her cry this much..and she would wail about how she really let someone in and he completely tore her heart in pieces..About how she's never going to do that again..
Later on that night when we were talking in my room, he came by and asked to talk to her. Apparently he had contacted the chlamydia they never knew she had. And he had passed it onto his girlfriend. So what did he do? He had to tell his mom everything (apparently he's a big momma's boy), and his mom wants him to salvage the relationship with his g/f. And he agrees. So he asked Tara to help him figure out a way to tell his g/f that he didn't contract the disease from someone else, b/c she definitely knows something is up. And she agreed. He was nice about the whole situation and said he was going to take her the next day to get tested at a clinic, and they even kissed goodbye.
She came to me immediately afterwards with a feeling of relief more than anything. She was glad he didn't end things. But she felt awful, because he had trusted her and she feels dirty. I said theres no point in dwelling on these feelings, and the best thing to do is get tested right away. But I also told her my ultimate sympathies lied with the girlfriend. Its just a horrible situation for her (not to mention she works 4 jobs!) more than anyone else, b/c he's creeping on her and trying to hide everything. She agreed.
The next day, she came into my room about to leave for the clinic to get tested. I asked if he was going with her, and she said he hadn't called all day but it was fine with her b/c she'd rather go by herself. But she wasn't sure if she could b/c she was menstruating. She went anyways, just to ask.
So apparently you can't get tested when you're on your period..but from the events that she told me that took place later that night you can have great sex with a guy who's already committed to someone else..(I added the already committed, myself---p.s. its good to know that even though someone else is on antibiotics for an STD, and the other person knows they probably have it still feel the need to engage in intercourse anyways--it makes me feel really good. NO, NOT REALLY!!!!
So the next day we were having dinner in the cafeteria. And she asked me what I thought of the entire situation. (She already knew my feelings for the most part that I didn't like it and she deserved a committed relationship, not something on the side) But this time I added more things. And of course, everytime I tell her these things I preface it by saying "I don't think you're gonna like what I have to say, but this is from any outsiders point of view b/c you tell me everything" And she welcomes the opinions.
I told her I don't like the situation at all. Especially now since people's healths are at risk. I told her that I wish I could see their relationship go the rest of the semester without sex because from what she's told me it seems like this is all based on it. And she replied saying theres more to our relationship than just sex, why would he say that he loves me and he would do such nice things for me? And I told her, cuz his g/f's not here having sex with him, you are. But I don't think love is someone who isn't fully committed to you. And that she deserves someone who is going to be there 100% of the time for her. Throughout my whole reply she kept saying "you're right, you're right" and she seemed okay with it...I think she knows deep down that I am, but its hard for her to accept it and face realities..
Then 10 minutes later she said "Hey I wanna ask you a question" and I said, okay..Then she took a few seconds to formulate her thoughts, and she said "Okay, homosexuality is based on someone's sexual preference right?" And I said "Yes, I suppose so" and she said "Well, then how is it different from being a pedophile or a necrophiliac (Someone who has sex with dead people) because they have their choice of sexual preference...so whats the difference?
I was in disbelief, I was in shock..I told her "are you kidding me? omg, I can't believe we are having this conversation" She was dead-on serious. I asked her where she came up with this because it felt like she was angry with me for saying the things that I did and she wanted to find some kind of way to hurt me the most. She said (with a 5 second pause as if she had to come up with the source as quickly as possible) "I got it from my mother, b/c her co-workers at the psych hospital have talked about it...its actually this big controversy"
I was too in shock to formulate my responses and I'm no good in debates anyways, so I told her "Well, okay for one thing being a pedophile and necrophiliac is against the law..and obviously they have severe psychological problems" And she said, "Well, gay marriage is against the law, and whos to say homosexuals don't have psychological problems"
I told her to I was getting really offended and she looked at me really wide and innocent like "No, I was just hoping you could help me understand the difference, and I just want you to be aware of the controversy and she said really loudly emphasizing b/c you're gay"
I was visibly getting so huffy and about it and saying several times "I just can't believe this" and asked if this had anything to do with what I said earlier, and she was shocked saying no way..I kept saying "okay you're offending me, especially if you think gay people may have psychological problems" and she clarified it by saying well heteros may have it too, I just want to understand the the difference, but I'm going to ask other gay people too. And I said, okay when you do, let me know their response..And I made it clear I didn't want to talk about it. The whole conversation didn't seem to phase her at all, she went on her bubbly self as we changed subjects and then walked upstairs..
Then we went to the computer lounge and she sat down at the computer while I watched TV with a couple girls from our floor. Sitting right next to Tara was a straight girl who used to be the VP of a gay straight alliance club they had on campus (before people complained and told them to have their meetings somewhere else other than a catholic school)
I asked Tara to go ahead and ask the VP (we all know each other b/c we live next door to each other) to ask the difference..and Tara said in a surprised voice "Difference about what? what are you talking about?" I said "about the debate we were having at dinner" And she got incredibly pissed off and said it wasn't a debate and stormed out the room. Nobody in the lounge said anything b/c you could cut the tension with a knife.
I didn't feel bad. I felt really good actually. I felt good to actually call somone up on something instead of just sitting there thinking about how bad it makes me feel..And it kind of proved my point. I wanted to see if she'd actually bring up the conversation to other people. Because it was basically the most ridiculous and absurd comparison I had ever heard. And now, obviously she really wasn't dying to know the difference...
Later that night she wrote me this note and put it under my door. It said that she was sorry for being insensitive about the question she had, and that she forgets sometimes b/c I'm so unemotional alot of the times. She was just trying to relate because its hard for her sometimes. And she wanted to make it clear that it was in no way a debate and she just wanted to make me understand the controversy and dispute it. But she "loves me, and nice, gay people"
I threw the note across the room. I wanted to rip it up in a million pices.
I was still angry. I'm still fuming. I Don't know when I won't be angry anymore, but I don't think its going to be anytime soon.
Because it felt like she comparing moralities, my lifestyle to hers, and she took the most hurtful and ridiculous things ever and threw it in my face b/c she couldn't face the realities of her life so she wanted to supposedly make me aware of mine...whats even more fucked up is at one time she wondered if she was bi-sexual b/c she was messing around with this one girl who was giving her lots of attention.
She came home drunk the next night around 3:30am with the boy and I made the mistake of opening my door at the exact moment they were about to go into her room because I thought someone was knocking on mine.
I saw her and said "hey" and she said "hey, hey did you get my note" And I said "yes.." and she said "why didn't you write me back?, it really hurt my heart" and I scoffed (because nancy always makes fun of that to me and it makes me laugh) and I told her I don't want to get into it b/c its 3am and she's drunk..but she said she wanted to talk..
So as we were getting into a heated discussion the boy slowly backed away, as if 'whoa I don't wanna get involved' (little did he know he was the breaking point in Tara and I's friendship)
I told her, I'm still really offended about the "debate" we had because I don't for the life of me understand how someone could group those things together.
She yelled really loudly "OMG! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU'RE STILL MAD ABOUT THAT! IS OUR FRIENDSHIP GOING TO END BECAUSE OF THAT?!?!"
And I said its not just that, its other things too. Its hard for me to hear and watch you go through the things that you do sometimes.
(I didn't tell her this, but times such as drinking and driving to the point where she doesn't even remembering driving home...the STD's...the fuckin jerk boy who makes her already unstable moods waver up and down....the other sexual encounters she's had at this school with the boys who already have g/f's and then don't acknowledge her in the cafeteria the next day... her distorted body image that lead her to diets that consist of nothing but grapefruit juice and cottage cheese)
I've told her before, its exhausting to hear about the things that she does and go through because I do care about her and I think she deserves better, and at times it feels like she has such low self-esteem its destructive...(If I sound judgemental, maybe I am but drinking and driving is something I despise among other things)
She responded with a "wow, if you're still angry about that you must be really insecure with your homosexuality..because supposedly at the party she was at earlier that night she asked a gay girl the same debate and the girl said "oh, I don't know..hmm but oh well, thats something to think about" and supposedly they went on partying and it didn't bother her at all. But I didn't believe that for a second, it sounded like she just pulled that conversation out of her ass. But I was tired, and she was drunk and I just told her, "you know, fine you're right I really must insecure with my homosexuality"
And the argument ended with me saying "Its just hard to watch you go through the things that do sometimes" and she was about to slam the door and said "Thats it, thats it, you just don't like me, thats what it is" and as she slammed the door I said "you're not even listening to what I'm saying"
And we haven't talked since....
I've talked to my friends about it, and they pretty much feel the same way I do..they thought it was a vengeful, hurtful thing to say..and when I tell them, I'm just not sure what I want to do but I do know I want to take some time off from our friendship they tell me that I don't need the added stress she puts on me...with how stressful life is already I need friends who won't add on more stress.
And their right, I know their right it makes sense..When I was seeing a counselor he asked me what exactly is it do I get out of the friendship between Tara and I..and I honestly had no idea on my part. I knew exactly what she got on her end--someone to listen to her endlessly about what was going in her life, in full detail..because when you think about it--how many good friends are willing to really be concerned with whats going on in YOUR life and will sit there and listen attentively and not be so self-absorbed..But just because a friend doesn't do that alot, it doesn't mean they're a bad friend, its just that everyone has so many different things going on in THEIR life, its hard to sit down and focus on someone else's intensely..
I personally, find that I have a select few I can do that with, and for that I'm so lucky.
But I was really at a loss of words at what I got out of Tara and I's friendship because it seems like she gives me more more grief then pleasure. So does that really mean that I don't like her as a person? My counselor said, it was just things that she did to herself that made me uneasy..So how do I fix that? It seems like now even if we do go back to her talking the way she used to, I won't give her my viewpoint b/c she's just going to do the things that she wants to do...
I know she's really upset that I'm mad at her. She's been asking people advice but just telling them that I'm mad at her because she thinks its a choice..which fuckin pisses me off even more that she's leaving out important details.
It doesn't bother me if you think its a choice. I get asked that all the time. And they straight up tell me they think its a choice. It doesn't bother me, I can't completely change what people think all in one conversation. My response? No, I don't think its a choice. Why would I go through everyday knowing that the worst is coming when I confront my parents about it? Would I really choose to live a lifestyle in which it feels so hard to connect to someone because in any situation a guy can come up to a girl and thats fine..like asking someone out in a bar or a bookstore for example..but if you're in a bar (except obviously for gay bars) and you're a girl and you go up to a girl with the intention of asking them out, if they're not gay, they'd probably be like wtf does she want?
As for the whole being insecure about my homosexuality...
I know I have friends who don't understand it. And how would I really expect them too, its hard for them to understand that I get nervous around girls but not guys. And I know I have friends here who don't approve of it. I have friends who have gradually stopped talking to me because of it, and I know people here who don't acknowledge me in the cafeteria b/c of it...And we all know what my parents think of it. Its definitely hard because I don't have close gay friends here. There are times when I feel like I don't have them at all anywwhere because its hard enough to get them to respond to me through AIM, how can I do it through real life? And most of it is probably my fault, maybe my insecurity does come out sometimes. Maybe they just feel like they can't connect or relate to me in general or my personality.
But alot of the times it just feels like I have no one in my corner when it comes to those things, no one who will ever feel the same way I do about it. At times I feel like I get the whole disapproving vibe from the rest of the world, I don't need it from my close friends. Alot of the gay people I know, at least have one parent who acknowledges it or is trying to be fine with it..but I don't have that, I don't know whats thats like. I get so many negative messages more than positive ones that I'm just trying to be okay with myself first before I can really be good for someone else. And whats a good solution to help with that? Be active in the gay community, with PRIDE, etc. I applaud people who do that and if I felt I had enough strength and courage and belief in myself I would find how to get involved with something like that around the community. But I keep working everyday on it, sometimes I take two steps backwards but for the most part I'm getting better at it.
And with the exception of this situation I feel like that even though some of my friends don't understand it, thats okay because they support me as a person. They're fine with me talking about it when I want to, and they won't discriminate against me because of it.
And thats what hurt so much with this. So what am I going to do now? How will it be when I pass by her in the hallway and we pretend like we don't see each other? Do I really want that? No. But do I still really want her as a close friend? I just don't know...I really don't.
"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"
~The Fray