[private to self]
Dear journal, so, it's kinda hard to figure out what's going on with these kids all the time. Really, I'm just most concerned for Sasuke though. Sure, he's a little bastard, but without him, maybe I'd be checking the journals a lot less often. Right now, it looks like Temari is pissed at him. I don't really blame her... but maybe if Sasuke seems too unhappy, I'll beg for a little mercy. Go figure. I think I blew up at him way worse than she did, and I'd be the one begging Temari to be less harsh on him. Ouch. I never even asked a student for a favor before, so that would be a shit load of weird right there... ...Yeah... I don't want to have to do that, so I hope things work out on their own.
Anyway... I'm sure no one else is seeing this the way I do. They're probably too young, and now I'm feeling old again. At age seven, your personality isn't developed yet. From seven to nineteen, there had to be a lot of walls put up. You don't just wake up and choose to be the way Sasuke is. Realistically, what happens happens, and you become who you are before you know it. It's hard to fight habits, especially when most of them are learned unconsciously at a young age. I guess I'm just feeling guilty now... When I was nineteen, I knew who I was before all the bullshit went down. I had something to look back on to know that I wasn't always such a shit. At age seven, do you even know yourself at all? ...Doubt it. Where's the compass then? ...I have a feeling that Sasuke has to start completely new to get along with the other students at all. I know I can take his shitty little digs about my conducting. I just hope he doesn't bring up any more stuff about alcoholism again. I thought about calling off that competition with Anko even. All Sasuke said really meant dirt, but it was something on my mind anyway. I can control myself... but still... maybe I should be controlling myself more often. Now that'll bother me too. I've even been thinking about staying at the school past this year, until Sasuke graduates anyway. Even if he hates my guts the entire time, who else does he really have that classifies as family? Maybe he'll keep some friends, but what about family? ...The two are different sometimes. You can hate the hell out of your family, but you're still stuck with them, no matter if you see them. It's just... different. I try not to think about Itachi at all. I'm pretty good at that now. I wonder if that makes me a hypocrite...
Better get back to work. Writing this shit down is way better than talking it out. ...I guess it wasn't just Sasuke though. I like almost all the students I meet. Maybe I'll just keep getting attached to them and keep hanging on, until I finally become like Iruka Umino, and ENTIRELY devote my life to teaching... ...or not. Hahahah! That would be like an out of body experience.
Someone's singing that Maria song in the hallway. Actually, I don't know what it's called, but I know that Maria sings it, because it's a girl singing? I'll be so glad once these auditions are over, because they practice way too hard here. Gotta drown it out with some of my own music or something. I'd hate to come out of my office and tell her to shut up... because I'm doing paper work. Shameless liar bit and all. I can be totally shameless. In the next 30 seconds... Where the hell is Kurenai when I need her? She would tell the kid to shut up. I think she actually works in her office or something... seriously.
ooc: am I bending rules? my own twisted mind says no.