(no subject)
Maddy told me to do this:
Raising a Superstar
Dr. J. Crawford
Let’s face it: The world isn’t exactly what it used to be. The competition for
success in athletics and other extra-curricular activities tougher than ever, and many more
parents have come to me lately asking the immortal question, “How can I raise my child
to be a successful adult and to excel in their extra-curriculars?”
Following in the footsteps of my “Raising a Little Genius” guide, I have
composed a 4-Step program to assist the worried parent in their endeavors.
1. Start Early - From an early age, children should be pushed to do their very best
physically. At the age of one year, or perhaps ever younger, parents should begin
a protein supplement regiment, using boosters that can be acquired at many health
stores. Mix the vitamin-infused powder into your child’s milk or food. For those
parents wishing to raise supermodels or actors/actresses, I recommend a formula
that contains ephedrine, or a rival dietary supplement.
2. Specialize ASAP - At the age of three or so, your child must choose an activity
in which to excel. Little Johnny likes baseball? Buy a set of weights and be sure
that he can’t play outside until he does a sufficient amount of reps, and then once
he is outside, he should be using that batting machine you bought him for
Christmas. Susie wants to take dance classes? Sign her up for five classes a week,
and be sure that she selects a style early on. I certainly hope that you started her
early on the ephedrine…but if not, it is never too late to introduce a child to the
benefits of speedy weight loss.
3. Get Involved! - In order to keep your child’s eyes on the prize, you must involve
yourself in all that they do. Help with their homework. Coach Little League and
be sure to give your little slugger extra playing time, and threaten to ground him if
he misses that fly ball. Keep track of your child’s times at swimming, and don’t
let them have any friends over to play unless they beat their 100 Freestyle time by
at least five seconds. The possibilities to get involved with your child’s life are
endless. Don’t, however, be discouraged by other parents: Remember to look out
for Number One, and don’t forget that other parents are just jealous of your
fabulous little star. They may tell you to sit down and stop screaming at the coach,
but don’t let their negativity bring you down. Just remember to keep YOUR eyes
on the prize. Think of how unhappy these parents’ children will be…always
outside in the yard, playing with friends, or engaged in such mindless activities as
Barbie dolls and Tonka trucks. After all, these should be rewards for children, not
every day luxuries that can be achieved without success. One day, when your
little one is so independent that they no longer feel the need to talk to you, you
can laugh at the neighbor’s kids who still call every Sunday, to “check up” on
Mom and Dad.
4. Learn to Deal with Whining - Some parents have brought to my attention the
fact that many children tend to complain when they are involved in an activity
more then five days a week, especially if they are working over three hours every
day. Once they are old enough for those undeserved complaints, you should sit
them down and kindly tell them that they owe you their successes after all you’ve
done for them. Aren’t you providing a good shelter, and food on the table? Tell
them how hard you work, and that if they don’t receive a full-ride scholarship to
Dartmouth for their swimming, you will smash their iPod, slit their puppy’s
throat, and abandon them by the side of the road for the buzzards to eat. If this
does not help to silence and successfully discipline your child, I recommend a
sock full of batteries, or mixing Syrup of Ipecac in with their next bowl of
Spaghetti-O’s. Note: Ipecac syrup can also be used in assisting the physique
maintenance of your child.
After all, nothing matters more then the happiness of you and your child, and this
can only be achieved through success in life.
That's my satire.
[mood|
pessimistic, what else is new? ]
[music| Hellogoodbye - "Call N Return" ]
Raising a Superstar
Dr. J. Crawford
Let’s face it: The world isn’t exactly what it used to be. The competition for
success in athletics and other extra-curricular activities tougher than ever, and many more
parents have come to me lately asking the immortal question, “How can I raise my child
to be a successful adult and to excel in their extra-curriculars?”
Following in the footsteps of my “Raising a Little Genius” guide, I have
composed a 4-Step program to assist the worried parent in their endeavors.
1. Start Early - From an early age, children should be pushed to do their very best
physically. At the age of one year, or perhaps ever younger, parents should begin
a protein supplement regiment, using boosters that can be acquired at many health
stores. Mix the vitamin-infused powder into your child’s milk or food. For those
parents wishing to raise supermodels or actors/actresses, I recommend a formula
that contains ephedrine, or a rival dietary supplement.
2. Specialize ASAP - At the age of three or so, your child must choose an activity
in which to excel. Little Johnny likes baseball? Buy a set of weights and be sure
that he can’t play outside until he does a sufficient amount of reps, and then once
he is outside, he should be using that batting machine you bought him for
Christmas. Susie wants to take dance classes? Sign her up for five classes a week,
and be sure that she selects a style early on. I certainly hope that you started her
early on the ephedrine…but if not, it is never too late to introduce a child to the
benefits of speedy weight loss.
3. Get Involved! - In order to keep your child’s eyes on the prize, you must involve
yourself in all that they do. Help with their homework. Coach Little League and
be sure to give your little slugger extra playing time, and threaten to ground him if
he misses that fly ball. Keep track of your child’s times at swimming, and don’t
let them have any friends over to play unless they beat their 100 Freestyle time by
at least five seconds. The possibilities to get involved with your child’s life are
endless. Don’t, however, be discouraged by other parents: Remember to look out
for Number One, and don’t forget that other parents are just jealous of your
fabulous little star. They may tell you to sit down and stop screaming at the coach,
but don’t let their negativity bring you down. Just remember to keep YOUR eyes
on the prize. Think of how unhappy these parents’ children will be…always
outside in the yard, playing with friends, or engaged in such mindless activities as
Barbie dolls and Tonka trucks. After all, these should be rewards for children, not
every day luxuries that can be achieved without success. One day, when your
little one is so independent that they no longer feel the need to talk to you, you
can laugh at the neighbor’s kids who still call every Sunday, to “check up” on
Mom and Dad.
4. Learn to Deal with Whining - Some parents have brought to my attention the
fact that many children tend to complain when they are involved in an activity
more then five days a week, especially if they are working over three hours every
day. Once they are old enough for those undeserved complaints, you should sit
them down and kindly tell them that they owe you their successes after all you’ve
done for them. Aren’t you providing a good shelter, and food on the table? Tell
them how hard you work, and that if they don’t receive a full-ride scholarship to
Dartmouth for their swimming, you will smash their iPod, slit their puppy’s
throat, and abandon them by the side of the road for the buzzards to eat. If this
does not help to silence and successfully discipline your child, I recommend a
sock full of batteries, or mixing Syrup of Ipecac in with their next bowl of
Spaghetti-O’s. Note: Ipecac syrup can also be used in assisting the physique
maintenance of your child.
After all, nothing matters more then the happiness of you and your child, and this
can only be achieved through success in life.
That's my satire.
[mood|
pessimistic, what else is new? ]
[music| Hellogoodbye - "Call N Return" ]