(no subject)
Taylor
My last few moments of life were painful but comforting.
The last thing I remember is my baby brother, Zac, at my bedside holding my hand. I could hardly move, speak or hear. My senses were fading rapidly and it scared me. It was terrifying to know that my body was shutting down, and I knew deep inside that I was going to die. Maybe it was a natural instinct that told me. I would rather have not known though.
I remember his hand, but that's all. I'd felt blind. Imagine not being able to open your eyes...maybe they had opened? I just couldn't see anything. Maybe I was blind. My hearing was bad. Everything had sounded slow and deep in tone. My body had felt almost completely numb and heavy. I'd wanted to die.
I had thought about my family, and about Zac. I'd tried so hard to wake up and tell him that everything was fine, that everything would be okay. I hated the lack of control my pain put me in. It was terrifying. I wanted to reassure everybody, but I couldn't, and it hurt me to know that they were all hurting too.
One thing was okay though...Zac. He was holding my hand so he was okay. That was one thing that sparked off a re-assuring sparkle of light in my new and hellish world. All I wanted was my old reality back. I wanted to comfort my children. I wanted to make Ezra happy. I wanted to hug Natalie and tell her that our children wouldn't ever have to be without either of their parents - that we would be there for them for eternity and a little bit more.
I wanted to wake up and prevent my parents from having to bury their own child. No parent should have to do that. I wanted to make everything be okay again. And it was all up to me, I knew that. I knew that I was putting the people I cared about through hell.
I wanted Ike to yell at me for playing his guitar without asking permission first, and I wanted Natalie to yell at me and Zac for swearing in front of Ezra. I wanted my mom to kiss me on the cheek in front of a group of adoring fans and I wanted to blush because of it and whine at her. I wanted my dad to read his boring daily paper at the breakfast table and I wanted Avery to try and put lipstick on me again. I wanted Mack. I wanted Zoe, Jessica and my grandmother. I wanted the annoying female fans who stalked us to nag me for photographs constantly. Most of all I wanted Penny to know me. It wasn't fair. All she would ever see were pictures. I wanted to watch her grow up and I wanted to hate her boyfriends as all fathers did inevitably.
These thoughts saddened me to impossible tears, but they made me smile an invisible smile as well.
I wanted Zac. But what I wanted didn't matter anymore.
Zac
When Taylor died I fell into a deep depression that nobody could help me out of. I cried and I screamed at anyone who crossed my path. I hated everything, and I hated everybody. I blamed everybody else because there wasn't anybody to blame.
I wanted to be alone because whenever I was in other peoples company I could feel their stares. It was like they were just waiting for me to do something entertaining - like crying my heart out.
I hated people. I hated life. I was bitter because bad people lived, yet Taylor didn't. Murderers walked the Earth and Taylor didn't. I told myself that rapists walked the Earth too, and then I tried to kill myself. I was a rapist, was I not? Guilt flooded my soul.
Jamie, sweet and caring Jamie, found me on a bathroom floor bleeding from the wrists. I passed out but I lived. I don't even remember much of that period of time. It's a blur. He saved me. He always saved me.
A couple of weeks after Taylor had passed away, Jamie presented to me something unexpected. I remember I was in a room alone, with the curtains drawn. It was in the evening and it was nearly dark outside. I was in my parent's house. Jamie had knocked on the door and I'd ignored him. He came in anyway and I sensed that he wasn't alone. I turned around and a soft bundle of brown fur bounded towards me. A wet nose touched my hand and a tail wagged happily.
"She's homeless," Jamie had whispered from the doorway. I'd been speechless. It was the dog that had caused the car crash with Taylor. This dog had caused his death...never-the-less I loved her at first sight. She comforted me in a strange way that I can't even explain now. It was like we shared the knowledge of that terrifying event that had shook my world to the brink of destruction.
There had been three of us, and me and this dog had been the two survivors. I didn't know how Jamie had known that I wouldn't strangle her straight away. I guess he knew me more than I knew myself. I called her Lady, because she was a real lady. She was the fussiest creature I'd ever come across, and I loved caring for her like nothing else. She brought me such happy joy that I was over-whelmed with emotions. She'd set them free without ever knowing what was going on around her.
I cried for Taylor each night after, letting all of my grief escape my tired body. Lady comforted me and licked my tear-stricken face clean. She knew that something was wrong, and I can't explain how much she saved me. Just a dog to everyone else - the world to me.
Jamie
Zac needed a lot of time to overcome his depression over the death of his brother, but over time he pulled through. When he was ready we fell into a loving relationship with eachother.
I'd never been happier, and I'm still happy today, as are Zac and Lady.
For a while we lived in their old Hanson house together but we ended up travelling Europe with our faithful and bounding companion. It was perfect to say the least. We went everywhere, and we lived our lives to the full. We visited Paris, Rome, England, Germany, Japan, Australia and Disney Land Paris. That was Zac's idea - not mine.
We made love in our rented rooms with Lady asleep in the next room - Zac cared deeply about what she saw. We held hands in the streets and hardly anyone batted an eyelid. We took Lady to the beach at night so that she could play in the sea and chase sticks across the sand. We took photographs of everything so that we would never forget.
And still to this day we travel together - myself, Zac and Lady.
Taylor is never forgotten for a moment. We talk about the good times with him and sometimes we still cry together over our loss. It helps when Lady wonders what's wrong and she nudges our cheeks with her wet nose questioningly. It always makes us smile again.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
The End.