(no subject)
At work was the day from hell
I get home, I feel compelled
To write a how-to
'bout Evil and You
It should over quite well.
The world is your oyster. Follow these simple steps, and you’ll be on your way to controlling the planet.
Being good is very overrated these days. On top of unsatisfying, it’s also a lot of hard work. Being evil can be fun, if you do it right. This is a guide to help you do just that. You, too, can be an evil genius.
A good start to being evil is recruiting the help of an advisor. Excellent advisors are very hard to come by; just any advisor won’t do. You’ll need someone you can trust because if you have to go into hiding, they will be running things for you. Until your genius can be realized by more than two people, however, you will need some other things first.
In the world of evil you must dress for success. An evil genius has to look the part. Walking around and proclaiming you’re evil in jeans and a t-shirt won’t earn you any fear or respect. You need to have a scar over one eye. If this isn’t possible, a large one on your cheek will do fine. Shave your head and wear a monocle. Grey suits should fill your closets, along with pants, socks, and shoes that are all black. Now that you look like an evil genius, you need a place to stay.
The three most important things in real estate are, “Location, location, location.” Your lair is no different. An evil underground base on a small, remote island would be the most ideal place to set up. When that is not available, make sure to choose something that is out of the way and will be easy to defend. Natural borders such as rocks, cliffs, mountains, and even water can be used to steer your enemy/enemies to certain areas filled with gun turrets and landmines. You’ll want one entrance into the base, but multiple exits out. If they do manage to get past the entrance, you have to be ready for them.
Security on the inside needs to be tight. The doors should not only have pass codes or cardkey locks, but also be able to stay shut should you pull the lockdown alarm. Guards with headsets patrolling through labyrinth-like hallways is a very good idea. Closed circuit camera surveillance is a must. The best place for the monitors is in your office, which should be extremely difficult to get to. The war room, where your evil global scheming will occur, should be near the office if not attached. You will also want a board room with a projector for briefing your henchmen effectively.
The henchmen will essentially be your muscles. Directly control them to keep miscommunications minimal. Assumption is the mother of all mistakes, so make sure you keep them 100% informed of what the plans are. You will eventually want to give your henchmen minions for fodder, but that will be addressed later. For now, use them to perform various evil tasks.
The jobs you start off giving your henchmen should be evil, simple to complete, and visible to the public. You want to build your rapport of fear and respect. This will make recruitment easier because you will have made a name for yourself. You need enough people to efficiently run a company.
The company you open will be your false front and have a variety of purposes. Not only will it be your cover, it will bring you revenue to fund your evil operations. Complex paper trails and seemingly incompetent employees will make the diversion of the IRS easier. You may use your company to: purchase equipment not sold to the average Joe, launder money, build rapport, and even giving back to the community.
While giving back to the community doesn’t sound very evil, it is quite essential. In the trade we call it, “Evil in a good way.” What happens is, when you cause something to be destroyed or someone to be hurt, you send your company in to clean up and make amends. The people then become pleased with your company and are more likely to do business with you, which leads to more money. Even things like natural disasters or when someone else causes destruction, it’s a good idea to send in your clean-up crew. Of course you have to charge for your services, but in times of need help can be invaluable.
Now that you have more money you’ll probably want to get some minions for your henchmen. That way, your henchmen are more effective and can do bigger and more evil jobs for you. You don’t want to directly control the minions, that would be micromanaging and put too much on your shoulders. They can serve as fodder for the messy jobs, do the gross parts in the dirty jobs, or take the fall for risky jobs. How you compensate the minions is an issue that should be addressed.
Pay them in part with cash, and in part with service. Since you are not directly controlling or hiring the minions, it can be easy for them to turn on you. There are a number of things that can be done to counter this. The most effective method is by appropriate compensation. That way they don’t get lazy because they feel they have an overpaid position, and they don’t turn on you because they’re not getting ample income. Give them enough money to live off of, but also provide them with services of your company. Soon, you can provide them with services of other companies.
Controlling other companies is one of the more daunting tasks. The trick to this is to have enough of your evil minions in as many places as you can. If you can infiltrate effectively, more services will be at your disposal. If you cannot infiltrate, remember that everyone has their price. Whether you’re outright purchasing it or dangling the value of the lives of loved ones, you’ll eventually meet the breaking point and strike a deal. Usually a healthy balance works best.
Balance is very important when being an evil genius. You don’t want to be so evil that everyone hates you and would wait outside to kill you and spit on your dead body, but you don’t want to be nice enough that people don’t fear and respect you. There’s a delicate balance between those two, and it’s important to find it.
Remember, “Evil is as evil does.” Find that balance and you’re sure to be well on your way to the next step: global domination.
I'm so awesome!