(no subject)
So, I came back to campus tonight after spending a really great weekend with my family. I lounged around the house, did a bit of homework, went to my sister's soccer game (she scored a goal!), and just did...family stuff.
For the longest time, all I wanted was to get out of the house and get away from them all. Family life was just an extremely stressful situation most of the time for many reasons (I realize I'm not the only one who experiences this). Due mainly to recent events, however, all I want to do now is just go home and stay there. It occurred to me recently how much I really need my mother, my sisters, and my grandparents, and that I have spent too long taking my time with them for granted. If I didn't have marching band, I would go home every weekend. But, that would be a bad idea as well because having to come back to campus at the end of the weekend just creates a vicious cycle of some type of misery followed by excitement, peace, and happiness, to a mini breakdown, and back to misery. Granted I have only gone home for a weekend twice thus far, but both times I have come back here and have absolutely had it.
Obviously, I am not happy here right now. I have lost something very close to me, and there is now a giant black hole inside of me. Exactly what I have lost is no mystery to me. The worst part is that I have never had to deal with something this emotionally taxing before. My family was one thing, but this is so much more difficult. It's more of a learning experience than anything. I just have to continue to discover what works for me, what makes me feel comfortable, etc. It just feels like, lately, I live each day feeling utterly alone and totally uncomfortable wherever I go. I've always felt like the odd one out, or "the awkward one" in any group I've ever considered myself a part of, but this is somehow different. I should be out so much more than I am doing things with fun groups of people that I know even semi-well, or putting myself out there and meeting new people. I am doing these things, but at a minimal level. I simply do not have the motivation nor the energy to give much of myself to anyone. There are a couple of people whom I have recently met and become rather close with, but, honestly, I don't want a bunch of people who I hardly know, and I don't have the drive to make new friends. Right now, I need the people whom I am closest with more than anything. It's just too bad that most of them go to school out of state...
I'm sorry if that sounds mean or horrible in any way. I have just never made friends very easily; I tend to be extremely shy when it comes to meeting new people. Once more time passes, however, I'm sure I'll get back on the boat and be more social, because I do definitely need to be.
I also have no idea where the hell I am going in life, and if UConn is where I should really be. I used to have so much planned out, at least to my ideal preferences. I have been learning though that that is not the way to go. Sure, I can have dreams, but I can't be so disappointed if they don't happen how I had thought they would. Part of me feels like I am wasting my time here, that I'll never get to where I want to be if I stay here (for five years...). But, the rest of me says that this is where I need to be, that I am making the right decision. Then again, I realized that what I want as a career (at least while my younger days last) could not conflict more with the other side of life- to settle down, have a family, blah blah blah. My near future seems like a giant contradiction. I still know what I want, but I don't know what I want more and if it's worth trying to get to any of these places. Hence, my strong feelings of discomfort, feeling completely lost, etc. I suppose I just need to keep taking things one step at a time. It seems to have been working out for me lately. My life is not set in stone.
In any case, I find it slowly getting easier to make it through each day without slumping back into a somewhat depressed state. This is not me. If you know me well, then you know that I generally have a smile on my face and am full of energy (unless homework has ripped that part from me, haha). I understand that everyone goes through rough times like these, but, it truly frightens me that people live like this from day to day. They just get used to it. I am not one of those people. I am usually in a generally good mood with not a whole lot that is really worth complaining about. This is just ridiculous. Time is the only thing that seems to be working for me. I am moving on from certain things that I guess I have no choice but to move on from, as much as I may not want to. Inevitably, however, I'll do really well and feel almost back to myself for a while and then I'll randomly stumble a step backwards. NOT cool. Here's to better days.
Enough of this for now...this post was way too long. I apologize to anyone who reads this and finds it disgusting and pathetic. But, hey, sometimes these things can't be helped and you need to let those thoughts out.
For the longest time, all I wanted was to get out of the house and get away from them all. Family life was just an extremely stressful situation most of the time for many reasons (I realize I'm not the only one who experiences this). Due mainly to recent events, however, all I want to do now is just go home and stay there. It occurred to me recently how much I really need my mother, my sisters, and my grandparents, and that I have spent too long taking my time with them for granted. If I didn't have marching band, I would go home every weekend. But, that would be a bad idea as well because having to come back to campus at the end of the weekend just creates a vicious cycle of some type of misery followed by excitement, peace, and happiness, to a mini breakdown, and back to misery. Granted I have only gone home for a weekend twice thus far, but both times I have come back here and have absolutely had it.
Obviously, I am not happy here right now. I have lost something very close to me, and there is now a giant black hole inside of me. Exactly what I have lost is no mystery to me. The worst part is that I have never had to deal with something this emotionally taxing before. My family was one thing, but this is so much more difficult. It's more of a learning experience than anything. I just have to continue to discover what works for me, what makes me feel comfortable, etc. It just feels like, lately, I live each day feeling utterly alone and totally uncomfortable wherever I go. I've always felt like the odd one out, or "the awkward one" in any group I've ever considered myself a part of, but this is somehow different. I should be out so much more than I am doing things with fun groups of people that I know even semi-well, or putting myself out there and meeting new people. I am doing these things, but at a minimal level. I simply do not have the motivation nor the energy to give much of myself to anyone. There are a couple of people whom I have recently met and become rather close with, but, honestly, I don't want a bunch of people who I hardly know, and I don't have the drive to make new friends. Right now, I need the people whom I am closest with more than anything. It's just too bad that most of them go to school out of state...
I'm sorry if that sounds mean or horrible in any way. I have just never made friends very easily; I tend to be extremely shy when it comes to meeting new people. Once more time passes, however, I'm sure I'll get back on the boat and be more social, because I do definitely need to be.
I also have no idea where the hell I am going in life, and if UConn is where I should really be. I used to have so much planned out, at least to my ideal preferences. I have been learning though that that is not the way to go. Sure, I can have dreams, but I can't be so disappointed if they don't happen how I had thought they would. Part of me feels like I am wasting my time here, that I'll never get to where I want to be if I stay here (for five years...). But, the rest of me says that this is where I need to be, that I am making the right decision. Then again, I realized that what I want as a career (at least while my younger days last) could not conflict more with the other side of life- to settle down, have a family, blah blah blah. My near future seems like a giant contradiction. I still know what I want, but I don't know what I want more and if it's worth trying to get to any of these places. Hence, my strong feelings of discomfort, feeling completely lost, etc. I suppose I just need to keep taking things one step at a time. It seems to have been working out for me lately. My life is not set in stone.
In any case, I find it slowly getting easier to make it through each day without slumping back into a somewhat depressed state. This is not me. If you know me well, then you know that I generally have a smile on my face and am full of energy (unless homework has ripped that part from me, haha). I understand that everyone goes through rough times like these, but, it truly frightens me that people live like this from day to day. They just get used to it. I am not one of those people. I am usually in a generally good mood with not a whole lot that is really worth complaining about. This is just ridiculous. Time is the only thing that seems to be working for me. I am moving on from certain things that I guess I have no choice but to move on from, as much as I may not want to. Inevitably, however, I'll do really well and feel almost back to myself for a while and then I'll randomly stumble a step backwards. NOT cool. Here's to better days.
Enough of this for now...this post was way too long. I apologize to anyone who reads this and finds it disgusting and pathetic. But, hey, sometimes these things can't be helped and you need to let those thoughts out.