Abyss
Depression ruins your relationship with God, family and friends. Right now I just want OUT.
I've been wanting to write what I was feeling the past month but when I open my livejournal, my mind goes blank.
Whenever people ask me how I was or if I'm okay, I want to tell them "DO I FUCKING LOOK OKAY?!" But instead, I answer "I'm good, just a little pms-y." because I don't want to talk about how miserable I am, I don't want to get pitied. I simply don't want to talk.
I get advice such as "Pray" or "Talk to Him" a lot. But you know what? I stopped believing. I lost my faith.
Last January, I almost gave up on life. Back then, my saving grace were my niece and my maternal love for Ogoe Yuuki. I wanted to see him portray Onoda so bad I postponed my suicide attempt til I watch Yowamushi Pedal Irregular that was released last February. Laugh all you want but this is true. Fortunately, I felt better few days before February even started. And so, I totally discarded the idea of quitting life. [Yuuki, if you're reading this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart] Seriously, this post I made last January was supposed to be my farewell/suicide letter. However, as I was halfway through it, I decided to make it a normal blog post instead.
Late Feb, I started to feel agitated again. I've been full of self-loathing and self pity. I became easily jealous and annoyed at everything and/or everyone. Come March, I totally shut myself from the world again, from everyone. I stopped talking to my friends, I even questioned if I ever had friends. I never felt so alone in my entire life. Burning bridges, as I call it. I also lost interest in things I am most passionate about. I wasn't enjoying watching my fav anime/stageplays/shows as much as I did few weeks ago. I didn't even turn on my lappy for days. Can you believe I never cared if Yuuki updates his blog or not?! I just burst into tears, and I start to imagine again my friends and family without me, gone.
Then, someone advised me to take online depression tests. I had nothing to do anyway so I tried a couple of tests. I had the same result in all 10 that I tried. SEVERE/MAJOR DEPRESSION.
Before my life has fallen apart, I used to say "I'm depressed" whenever I'm sad or stressed out. But depression is different. It's something deeper than just being sad, and it's recurring. After I've gone through couple of online tests, I googled the signs and symptoms of depression. And I was amazed how much I'm experiencing almost every symptoms except one or two.
Here are some:
☆ Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness [When someone tell me they're willing to help me overcome this, I thank them but in the back of my mind I'm like "No one can help me. There's no better days for me. Leave me alone to die!"]
☆ Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters [It's like having PMS every fucking day]
☆ Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports [I even lost interest in people called "friends"]
☆ Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much [Few weeks ago, regardless of how early or late I sleep at night, I always wake up at around 2 or 3 in the morning and have a hard time getting back to sleep. As a result, I end up being awake for an hour or two doing nothing, just spacing out and think of my misery. Last week, I've been sleeping a bit too much though. Either way, my sleeping pattern is messed up]
☆ Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort [Everything looks troublesome. Even breathing is troublesome]
☆ Changes in appetite - often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some people [I lost my appetite. In an entire week, I only had 2 or 3 decent meals.]
☆ Anxiety, agitation or restlessness [I'm thinking waaaaay too much]
☆ Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements [I thought I was just being my normal lazy self, but worse]
☆ Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that aren't your responsibility [YES, I feel this all the fucking time]
☆ Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things [Especially when I watch something or I play games. I even spend 3 days finishing this post]
☆ Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide [Yep]
☆ Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches [I always wake up in the middle of the night with back pain regardless of my sleeping position. And headache everyday, yes.]
There are also symptoms like reckless behavior, gambling and/or drinking but I don't have these, yet.
"I was not myself for weeks yet nobody noticed"
No one. I definitely know that my friends have struggles and life of their own. I shouldn't expect them to know I'm going through some shit if I don't even talk to them about my problems. I never really cared if they have different set of friends. I wasn't the jealous type. But lately, I can't help but get jealous af. Seeing them having fun while I'm on the verge of killing myself makes my feeling worse. This is silly and pointless but I can't help but feel so left out. Those people who I thought would understand me most and reach out to me first didn't even notice my sufferings. Even though I wanted to open up to them, I end up regretting thinking that I would actually open up to them. Even though I used to have lots of friends, I don't know who's the right person I could confide in especially now that I pushed everyone away from me.
They say it's difficult being friends with someone who's going through depression. But I don't blame you if you don't want to get involved with me ever again. I'm not begging everyone to understand me. I have been so rude and distant, I deserve no one. I just want you to remember that even just for once, I became a good friend to you, didn't I?
I just want to die. I want to end this. I can't wait to be burned in hell.
Most of the time, I spend my days imagining how I would die. What if I drink silver cleaner, would it give me instant death or will it just make my situation worse if I am rushed to the hospital and survive? Looking through my clothes and telling myself "Oh shit I don't have white dress". Conflicted if I delete all my files and history on my lappy or leave it be? What would I do with my things? Can my gadgets be buried with me? Nah, they'll just get stolen.
Sometimes, I look at my niece and wonder if she'll look for me once I'm gone like how she asks for her lola whenever mama is out of her sight. Staring at my niece and internally apologizing for not being a good tita ninang to her. I wanted to give her all the best things in life. I want to see her in school uniform. Right now, she's my only salvation. With her by my side, my life is less miserable and a bit worth living.
To my parents, I'm sorry I disappointed you.
And if one day I'll be gone, would you also say "You've fought well" like other people tell those who died fighting incurable diseases? I fought hard, but life is harder than I thought. So hard it makes giving up my only option.
PS: I'm still alive.
I've been wanting to write what I was feeling the past month but when I open my livejournal, my mind goes blank.
Whenever people ask me how I was or if I'm okay, I want to tell them "DO I FUCKING LOOK OKAY?!" But instead, I answer "I'm good, just a little pms-y." because I don't want to talk about how miserable I am, I don't want to get pitied. I simply don't want to talk.
I get advice such as "Pray" or "Talk to Him" a lot. But you know what? I stopped believing. I lost my faith.
Last January, I almost gave up on life. Back then, my saving grace were my niece and my maternal love for Ogoe Yuuki. I wanted to see him portray Onoda so bad I postponed my suicide attempt til I watch Yowamushi Pedal Irregular that was released last February. Laugh all you want but this is true. Fortunately, I felt better few days before February even started. And so, I totally discarded the idea of quitting life. [Yuuki, if you're reading this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart] Seriously, this post I made last January was supposed to be my farewell/suicide letter. However, as I was halfway through it, I decided to make it a normal blog post instead.
Late Feb, I started to feel agitated again. I've been full of self-loathing and self pity. I became easily jealous and annoyed at everything and/or everyone. Come March, I totally shut myself from the world again, from everyone. I stopped talking to my friends, I even questioned if I ever had friends. I never felt so alone in my entire life. Burning bridges, as I call it. I also lost interest in things I am most passionate about. I wasn't enjoying watching my fav anime/stageplays/shows as much as I did few weeks ago. I didn't even turn on my lappy for days. Can you believe I never cared if Yuuki updates his blog or not?! I just burst into tears, and I start to imagine again my friends and family without me, gone.
Then, someone advised me to take online depression tests. I had nothing to do anyway so I tried a couple of tests. I had the same result in all 10 that I tried. SEVERE/MAJOR DEPRESSION.
Before my life has fallen apart, I used to say "I'm depressed" whenever I'm sad or stressed out. But depression is different. It's something deeper than just being sad, and it's recurring. After I've gone through couple of online tests, I googled the signs and symptoms of depression. And I was amazed how much I'm experiencing almost every symptoms except one or two.
Here are some:
☆ Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness [When someone tell me they're willing to help me overcome this, I thank them but in the back of my mind I'm like "No one can help me. There's no better days for me. Leave me alone to die!"]
☆ Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters [It's like having PMS every fucking day]
☆ Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports [I even lost interest in people called "friends"]
☆ Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much [Few weeks ago, regardless of how early or late I sleep at night, I always wake up at around 2 or 3 in the morning and have a hard time getting back to sleep. As a result, I end up being awake for an hour or two doing nothing, just spacing out and think of my misery. Last week, I've been sleeping a bit too much though. Either way, my sleeping pattern is messed up]
☆ Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort [Everything looks troublesome. Even breathing is troublesome]
☆ Changes in appetite - often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some people [I lost my appetite. In an entire week, I only had 2 or 3 decent meals.]
☆ Anxiety, agitation or restlessness [I'm thinking waaaaay too much]
☆ Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements [I thought I was just being my normal lazy self, but worse]
☆ Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that aren't your responsibility [YES, I feel this all the fucking time]
☆ Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things [Especially when I watch something or I play games. I even spend 3 days finishing this post]
☆ Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide [Yep]
☆ Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches [I always wake up in the middle of the night with back pain regardless of my sleeping position. And headache everyday, yes.]
There are also symptoms like reckless behavior, gambling and/or drinking but I don't have these, yet.
"I was not myself for weeks yet nobody noticed"
No one. I definitely know that my friends have struggles and life of their own. I shouldn't expect them to know I'm going through some shit if I don't even talk to them about my problems. I never really cared if they have different set of friends. I wasn't the jealous type. But lately, I can't help but get jealous af. Seeing them having fun while I'm on the verge of killing myself makes my feeling worse. This is silly and pointless but I can't help but feel so left out. Those people who I thought would understand me most and reach out to me first didn't even notice my sufferings. Even though I wanted to open up to them, I end up regretting thinking that I would actually open up to them. Even though I used to have lots of friends, I don't know who's the right person I could confide in especially now that I pushed everyone away from me.
They say it's difficult being friends with someone who's going through depression. But I don't blame you if you don't want to get involved with me ever again. I'm not begging everyone to understand me. I have been so rude and distant, I deserve no one. I just want you to remember that even just for once, I became a good friend to you, didn't I?
I just want to die. I want to end this. I can't wait to be burned in hell.
Most of the time, I spend my days imagining how I would die. What if I drink silver cleaner, would it give me instant death or will it just make my situation worse if I am rushed to the hospital and survive? Looking through my clothes and telling myself "Oh shit I don't have white dress". Conflicted if I delete all my files and history on my lappy or leave it be? What would I do with my things? Can my gadgets be buried with me? Nah, they'll just get stolen.
Sometimes, I look at my niece and wonder if she'll look for me once I'm gone like how she asks for her lola whenever mama is out of her sight. Staring at my niece and internally apologizing for not being a good tita ninang to her. I wanted to give her all the best things in life. I want to see her in school uniform. Right now, she's my only salvation. With her by my side, my life is less miserable and a bit worth living.
To my parents, I'm sorry I disappointed you.
And if one day I'll be gone, would you also say "You've fought well" like other people tell those who died fighting incurable diseases? I fought hard, but life is harder than I thought. So hard it makes giving up my only option.
PS: I'm still alive.