It is a bit long.

[yuko_sworro]

So this is something I wrote the other night. I know it needs work in some places, or many places. Thats why I need your feed back. Keep in mind this isn't something I take very seriously, I just wrote it on a whim at 2:30am. So tell me seriously what you think, I won't be too hurt.

Comments

bloody hot hell.

[iamchrisadams]

if you care about things like these:

women > woman
bight > bite
give > given
waining > waning
combaters > combatants
bight > bite

also, bloody hot hell rhymes quite well. slap a couple more lines on there and you've got a book on your hands. then youve got blood on your hands. then youve got sand in your pants...

Re: bloody hot hell.

[yuko_sworro]

Thanks Christopher, I will make the proper changes.

beautiful

[grandada]

give me more time to make more comments; the following are just first impressions:

wonderful. good flow and feeling.
i think if you added more viceral elements (colors, sounds, etc) you could up the intensity and reader involvement.

also, structually, it looks like sometimes you are using rhyming couplets and sometimes not. this is fine ofcourse, in this world of free ranging poetry, but me thinks the when and when not of the rhyming should be consistant, otherwise it momentarilly shakes the reader from the dream.

good work, it's a keeper for sure.

Re: beautiful

[yuko_sworro]

I know what you mean with the rhyming deal. There were lines and stuff I wanted to keep because of how they progressed things, but they didn't really fit, and I don't like the sound of them for sure. I've been working with whether to add another rhyming couplet to them or just ax them. When I first started writing this it was meant to be mostly free with little rhyming, just things that flowed and sounded well together. But that ended when I was continualy adding double rhymers so it made the none rhyming ones stand out too much. The thing about my poetry, which goes for my regular writing too, I think of certain lines that I really like the sound of, and then certain feelings or settings so some parts come easily, and those are the parts that sound best, and some things I have to force out in order to make things connect and flow, and they don't sound as good. So it's just a matter of making the inspirational mesh with the functional.