Desire (Sakumoto) Part 1/2
Title: Desire
Pairing/Group: Sakumoto, guest appearances by the rest of Arashi of course
Rating: R/NC-17 (in one scene)
Beta: ivenclaire
Genre: romance, a little bit of angst
Summary: Jun and Sho are held together by the invisible red string called desire. They set rules but no name for that thing between them. No strings attached. But then, one of them might want more.
Note: Written for Jun's birthday :-)
Summer, 2012
Jun feels like he should be less surprised than he actually is when Sho hands him a sheet of paper. Sho likes things neat after all - not the kind of neat Jun likes - more like: he likes things done properly. Correctly.
They had just spent a night together after their concert the day before and Jun had thought that they would just move on. He has learned that it hurts a little less than when he just tries to forget it. Like each time he got close to Sho. Like after every night they spend with each other - as they did when they had their 10th anniversary, and after Aiba’s birthday party one year ago. And when they were 20-year-old youngsters, just making their first experiences and Sho wanted to show Jun some tricks, at least that’s what Sho believed he was doing. Or in the toilet of this in-club when they came back from their Asia tour. The celebration-sex when they were finally hitting it big around 2007.
It’s always been the same. But this time, apparently, it’s different. Sho wants to make it different. The sheet of paper in front of Jun is a contract. A freaking contract - done sloppily and amateur-like, but it contains a little set of rules. Jun stares at Sho for a while, not sure how the hell he is supposed to react to that now.
“It seems-“ Sho begins to talk. Apparently, Jun not saying anything has pushed him to give a proper explanation. “-that we tend to have a, well, certain tension between us.” He pauses. “And I enjoy having sex with you.” he adds and takes a huge gulp from the whisky he had ordered when they met up in that little, private restaurant.
“Ah,” Jun makes, just to say anything really. “And? You want to stop it?”
Sho shakes his head and points at the sheet of paper. With a sigh, Jun takes it in his hands. Contract for friends with benefits. Parties: Sakurai Sho and Matsumoto Jun.
“With all due respect,” Jun says, his voice bland even to his own ears. Sometimes, he just wishes he would have the guts to just slap this dude. “Have you lost it?”
When Sho shakes his head, his eyes looking directly into Jun’s, he knows Sho isn’t lying. He actually means it. To be honest, Jun has never ever had such a stupid suggestion offered to him, and the only reason he doesn’t get up and just leave is that it’s Sho sitting in front of him. “You seriously want to make a contract concerning the fact that we sometimes end in bed with each other?”
“Yes.”
Jun’s eyes fly over the sheet of paper swiftly. There are several points written on there, like that they are allowed to meet others, that they should give certain signs to each other when they want to meet, not make it awkward, that they wouldn’t owe each other anything, that they should give each other freedom when needed. General friends with benefits knowledge. “Just be glad that you are good-looking,” Jun says, still in disbelief. “Otherwise, I would rather send you to a mental institution.”
Sho shrugs but to Jun’s relief, he blushes a little and bites down on his lips. Like he knows this is weird. “I just don’t want this thing between us to hurt us or our group. Is that wrong?” Sho asks all of a sudden.
There is not much Jun can answer to that, so he just shrugs. Still, he thinks it’s stupid and something inside him twitches a little. It’s not a good feeling - he can tell that much at least.
“So,” Sho continues. “We can still add things to the contract or negotiate about it. What do you think is adequate for us to do in bed?”
Adequate? Jun looks up from the paper again, suddenly bursting in laughter. “Sho-san, we are not in 50 Shades of Grey. You know that, right? If you want to try something, ask me. And I’ll tell you if it’s adequate or not!”
“50 Shades of what?” Sho asks, surprised.
Trust Sho to not even know the most popular references of modern pop culture. “Forget it. Just tell me what you have in mind right now.”
“Well, do you only want to meet in hotels or are our apartments okay too?” Sho asks. “Are there any implements we can use on each other?”
“Like vibrators?” Jun teases softly, grinning when Sho blushes again. He puts the sheet of paper aside. “I’ll tell you something - and seriously, it’s not only my last but also my only offer. We keep the rules general. Not more than four or five of them and only the ones that might affect our work. Everything else we adapt to naturally - like we did previously!”
“But-“
“Sho-san, I mean it. I’m not compromising any more than that!” In fact, having a contract is already the compromise, Jun thinks, but doesn’t say it out loud. Jun looks at the other insistently, tries not to waver and not to give in to Sho’s thoughtful glance resting on him. Then Sho turns his head away. Jun has won. Judging by the nod Sho gives him, he apparently understood his point.
~~~
Jun didn’t believe at first that something would change. They talk normally during rehearsals, sometimes they text, nothing unusual. They aren’t even more awkward than usual. But when he receives the first message from Sho, asking him if he is in the mood to drop by and have some dinner - the code? - he knows something has changed.
And though he doesn’t want to admit it, Sho being so straight-forward is alluring. It’s mostly Jun’s curiosity - and because Sho is so undoubtedly hot - that he agreed to these five rules between them. Simple rules, but somehow, a very weak side in Jun - the one he likes to ignore and deny - is glad that they have set them up. He likes to believe that he is at least a tiny bit special to Sho.
“You came.” Sho says when Jun knocks at his door. And he sounds a little relieved and nervous. Cute, almost.
“I brought something to eat.” Jun holds up his bag and smiles. The awkwardness diffuses almost immediately. And they mainly spend the next hour cooking. Though it’s rather Jun cooking and Sho doing lower work like cutting the vegetables. He only chuckles when Jun tells him he is a natural catastrophe in the kitchen.
Jun is about to turn on the oven when he feels Sho’s hands on his hips. “Let’s finish that later.” Sho says and his breath tickles Jun’s neck.
It’s surprisingly natural and normal. Jun is only a little surprised when he feels Sho kissing his neck so bluntly without any previous warning. But then, that’s what he came here for after all. So he decides not to show any surprise, and just play along.
It should feel more awkward, Jun thinks, when he turns around allowing Sho to kiss him softly. A little voice in his head screams though and tells him not to do it, that it’s stupid and would turn into a catastrophe. But unfortunately, Jun wants Sho - NOW! Shut up voice!
~~~
It’s three years later and the contract is still there. Sho calls him regularly to meet up and so does Jun. They are not talking about it anymore. It’s like they forgot that the contract exists - it’s natural. Just go with the flow, Jun thinks, and sometimes he hates how happy he feels when his phone rings and he sees Sho’s name popping up. He hates how much his heart betrays him and how he sometimes can’t get that trail of thought out of his head; that Sho is his or as close to being his as he can ever be. It should be enough, right?
~~~
If Jun has to describe what connects them together, he would probably say passion. He isn’t sure if it’s truly love he feels for Sho, but there is something he can’t deny. It’s against their rules of course to have these feelings, but he is not going to tell it to Sho and his thoughts are his after all. Sometimes, Jun is shocked at how numb he has become when it’s about Sho, at how he accepts these rules even though he knows it’s unhealthy. Knew it from the beginning when he agreed to it. And it gets worse with every phone call or text from Sho, with every time they meet just to have sex.
Is it fate? He likes to believe that, but probably not. Is it destiny? Not sure. To be honest, he has no idea what these words mean.
Aiba has talked about love and destiny today during their rehearsals - a lot. When he finally says how every person is destined to find his perfect partner, Sho only laughs. “Destiny-” he says. “Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental.”
Jun silently agrees to that. Silently, because Aiba is seriously getting worked up now and he doesn’t want to add fuel to the fire.
Later, when he is going home together with Sho and they reach Jun’s apartment, he can’t help a teasing remark. “Sleepless in Seattle.”
“Hm?” Sho blinks.
“Well-“ Jun closes the door behind them, pads into the bathroom and grabs a shirt from the laundry dryer. “You stole that line about destiny and accidents from Sleepless in Seattle.” he teases and takes off his black shirt to switch into a fresh one. “You didn’t think I wouldn’t remember your weird adoration for old romance movies? We watched it together, remember?”
He doesn’t really wait for Sho to answer, because he has already expected the latter not to react to his teasing. Instead, he can feel how Sho hugs him from behind, his cold fingers slipping under his shirt and touching his abs.
As expected. Numb. It’s like he has lost his conscience, his feeling for what is good and right.
“Let’s do what we can do best.” Sho hums against his neck.
Jun doesn’t mind. He likes to feel Sho’s lips against his neck, his hands on his body. He enjoys the wave of desire that swaps over them whenever they are alone. Sometimes, he wonders if that’s okay, if it’s enough for staying together, but right now, he doesn’t care.
~~~
It’s way past midnight and Sho is already sleeping. A fullmoon night, which Jun always hates. He gets out of the bed and silently moves into the living room. He could watch a movie, he thinks. When he moves his fingers over all of his Blu-rays, he stops at a specific movie. Sleepless in Seattle. Well, why not?
~~~
They have never given a name to that thing between them, not even in the stupid contract that Jun has hidden somewhere in one of his drawers. Jun doesn’t even know what it is. A relationship? - because even though they are free to meet others, they are still meeting each other regularly. Though it’s mostly for sex. Friendship? He gets along a lot better with Ohno and the others. Random buddies? Heck, if he wants to chat with someone randomly, he is going to call Ryo or Nino.
The only good thing about these complicated thoughts is that Sho has probably no idea what is going on between them either. Sometimes, Jun can feel Sho’s thoughtful glance resting on him. He can see the doubt in his eyes - and when he tries really hard and allows himself to dream a little, he can even see a hint of pain, sometimes, very faintly.
They never voice it out. It’s only the few conditions they agreed on when they started to meet regularly that remain.
Arashi comes first.
Other work comes second.
No strings attached.
They don’t interrogate each other. No “where have you been”, no “what did you do”, no “who did you meet”.
In the line of guys they might meet and sleep with, Jun and Sho come first. They won’t stand each other up.
No strings. Sometimes Jun can smell perfume on Sho’s clothes which he is sure isn’t from Sho. It also happens that Sho writes cryptical messages, most likely because he doesn’t want to voice it out loud that he is meeting someone else right now.
Jun doesn’t judge Sho for that at all. It’s not like he is any better. He is just as bad and frivolous as Sho. As long as he has a special place in Sho’s life, it’s okay.
Here and there it happens that he doesn’t see Sho for weeks. It mostly occurs when they are both busy with drama shootings, photo shoots, or individual work. Most of the time, it doesn’t bother Jun. It’s not like he misses Sho all the time, but sometimes, it does feel lonely. Only a bit though.
It can’t be because of Sho. It’s not like he has lost his mind and allows himself to miss the other one. It rather has to be his body longing for someone’s touches - no matter who it is that does the touching. His body merely needs to feel the warmth of someone else - it’s that simple. Besides, Sho isn’t even that good-looking! His face is a little too round and his chin too small and he is pretty short in general! On top of that, he has the weirdest sense of humor. He can’t cook and comes up with the most idiotic suggestion - no sense of timing! It’s just that he has some pretty nice abs and he has this cute little chuckle where there are suddenly wrinkles appearing around his eyes. He sparkles when he laughs, likes to drink his tea cold - nose smelling it first, cute wrinkles appearing around it - and always brings a slice of lemon for Jun along when he mixes cocktails. And his eyes, they have so much depth. Different shades of brown - and they just look so dark when he is turned on.
Damn it! Jun curses loudly and angles for a glass of wine. He empties it in one gulp. It’s just sex, nothing important!
Sadly, it sounds like an excuse to his own ears and it gets harder to believe in it with every day.
If the doubts get too strong, he calls for another person. During the last times, it’s always been Mizobata Junpei who he calls. Since Shitsuren Chocolatier, they have been getting along quite well.
“Junpei-kun, wanna drop by for some movies?” he says. It’s a code. One that Junpei can either decline if he is busy or doesn’t feel the need for it, without anyone of them feeling stupid or embarrassed (Do you wanna drop by for sex sounds a lot less casual). Or he can agree to it, like it’s the most normal thing on earth.
“Yeah, give me a minute. I’ll be at your place in two hours.”
“Grab something to eat on your way?”
“Sure, promise!”
~~~
Junpei is always on time. Never comes too late, never breaks a promise. This time too, he knocks at Jun’s door exactly two hours later. And when Jun opens it, he has a bag in his hand that basically screams overprized food. “Italian specialties?” Jun asks, trying to guess the language on the bag.
“Yes, I had to try it.” Junpei raises his hands in defence, a grin on his face. “Don’t say anything. I know it’s a waste of money.”
“Hm.” Jun nods. “Probably.”
Junpei merely laughs and walks to the living room. Jun is pretty sure he is about to say something else, but he just can’t wait anymore. He grabs Junpei’s arm and pulls him back. Can’t wait. Impossible.
The bag with Italian specialties lies on the ground, completely forgotten by them, while they move to the sofa quickly. Jun doesn’t like to do it in his bed, his bed is only for the times Sho is there.
Sho, he thinks. Sho-kun… It takes some effort to get this idiot out of his head again and concentrate on the person in front of - or rather below - him.
The good thing about Junpei is that he is so awesomely uncomplicated. The sex is good and without any embarrassment between them. Once they both came down from their endorphin rush and their bodies cooled down a bit, Junpei sits up again. “Now I’m hungry.” he jokes. “It’s always the same, because you like to have sex before I can eat something.”
“Is that the reason, why you always bring something non-perishable and cold along?” Jun wants to know with a smile on his lips while he gets up too. “Heading for the shower,” he says.
Junpei nods. “Good. I’ll go after you. Eating a bit first.”
Five minutes later Jun is back, only wearing black shorts. Junpei turns around a bit, leaning over the sofa to watch him, while Jun switches into a white shirt and a comfortable pair of jeans. “You know-“ Junpei muses. “I like it when you wear black underwear. Looks hot.”
“Idiot,” Jun smacks him, but can’t help a grin. “Anything you want from the kitchen?” he asks when Junpei is about to disappear into the bathroom.
“Gin Tonic,” Junpei says.
Later, they settle down on Jun’s sofa, eating the Italian specialties and having some drinks. They are watching some movies now. Action. Junpei likes that genre the most. It’s weird, Jun thinks. Junpei is sweet and cute, but he likes those action loaded blockbusters, while Sho seems to be rough and cold sometimes, but loves sappy romance movies.
A contradiction in itself. Sho is a contradiction.
~~~
Sho’s schedule miraculously gets less loaded. He is calling Jun all of a sudden and drops by. They don’t even use a code anymore because they hardly decline each other anyway.
There are still leftovers from the Italian food in his fridge. “Is that from the new Italian specialty restaurant?” Sho wants to know, clearly sounding surprised.
“Yeah, I guess. A friend brought it along.”
“Hm,” Sho nods, but looks a bit moody suddenly. Jun wonders why. Of course Sho could easily guess what this friend dropped by for. Junpei uses this heavily mint aftershave and the smell of it still lingers in the bathroom. So, it is pretty obvious. It’s always obvious also when Sho had met someone else. Nothing new to it.
So why does he look that upset? “Want to try some of it?” Jun asks to diffuse the tension.
“No.” Sho huffs and suddenly he is kissing Jun. Without any previous warning. Kisses him in a way he has never kissed him before. Jun can feel how his body gets pressed against the kitchen table, the edge of it painfully pressed against his hip. It will leave a bruise for sure. But he doesn’t have the time to react or voice a complaint because Sho is so rough and fast and dominant all of a sudden that he sweeps Jun along. Jun can see how he kicks the leftovers from the table. That draws the first complaint from Jun. “You want to do it here?” he asks. “It’s the kitchen table, Sho-kun!”
“Who cares!?” Sho says and his voice is so thick with all kind of feelings that Jun feels weirdly drawn to it. Fine, he thinks.
“Turn over.” Sho says, a little softer now while working Jun’s pants down, and it only comes out as half a command.
Jun normally likes a nice foreplay, so he wonders if he just lost his mind when he does what Sho wants him to do; turning over, fingers grasping the edges of the kitchen table while he feels how Sho prepares him, his slick fingers not probing his entrance much and pushing in soon. At least Sho seems to have enough senses awake to stretch him before he adds a second and third finger. Still, it goes fast, the stretch burning a little. But when Jun feels Sho’s body against his back, lips drawing wet patterns on his back, teeth scratching his sensitive skin slightly, Jun’s body feels like it’s burning in want. He is sure they have both lost it.
It feels so good to feel Sho like that, to feel his touches and his lips. Damn it. It feels too good.
“Sho-san,” Jun huffs impatiently. “Stop the teasing and fuck me already.” It comes out a lot more unfriendly than he would have said it in a normal situation. Or to anyone else that is not Sho.
He likes to be asked instead of being the one who does the begging - normally, but with Sho, nothing seems to be normal anymore.
He turns his head a little, trying to catch Sho’s eyes. He needs to see them, see the look in them to lose the last remains of doubt he might still have right now. When he finally meets Sho’s glance, something inside Jun’s stomach seems to burst in pure want. Damn it, screw this manipulative idiot for looking so hot, for his eyes being so dark and clouded with lust.
“Fuck me,” Jun adds, allowing his voice and body to give up on the control and just plead, show Sho how much he wants it. “Please.”
He can feel how Sho tenses up in surprise before his lips turn into a smirk against his shoulder. Sho moves away a little, but doesn’t pull his fingers out. “Very well.” Sho mumbles and bites down on Jun’s butt softly. It draws the first real moan from Jun and he almost misses the little rustling sound when Sho angles for something in his bag.
Sho is always prepared it seems. Before Jun can even question the fact that apparently, Sho came to his place almost too well prepared. His fingers continue the rubbing and teasing and Jun is back to avoiding turning into a moaning mess. Sho then pulls his fingers out at once, strong hands grabbing Jun’s hips before he can feel Sho’s dick pressed against his entrance.
He pushes in, carefully but not particularly slowly. Jun clenches his muscles around Sho’s dick, the intrusion a little too sudden. This time, it’s Sho who moans desperately, his left hand leaving Jun’s hip and resting on the table. Jun can feel how Sho’s right hand grabs him tightly, fingers shaking a little. He grins and clenches the muscles again.
“Screw you Jun-san,” Sho breathes out, his voice hoarse and a little shaky.
“What are you waiting for? Or are you seriously here to lead a cultured conversation, Sakurai-san?” Jun pushes him further, knowing exactly what Sho likes to hear. Sho’s hand is now on his shoulder, holding him down. And it proves him right that Sho just lost it as well, because the latter is not wasting any time anymore, just starts to push in and out with fast movements. Probably, on a normal day, Sho’s not gentle enough. But for now, it’s just exactly what Jun wanted him to do.
He gasps when he feels how Sho changes his angle, his dick brushing against Jun’s soft spot, making the sight in front of his eyes blurry. Then Sho’s right hand is suddenly gone from his hip. Instead, he can feel the latter’s fingers being wrapped around his cock, pumping it without any further teasing. The rhythm is a little messed up, not like when they spend a lot more time with teasing each other. But Jun couldn’t care less, because - damn it, Sho just pulls all his switches at once.
“You are so hot, so beautiful,” Sho says all of a sudden and Jun almost hates him for making him blush right now, in that situation and in that position, when he is that vulnerable, that turned on and so freaking close to coming.
The sight gets blurred in front of his eyes again and he doesn’t even know why. But at one point, he isn’t bent over the kitchen table anymore but lying on the floor, Sho on top of him, his movements more desperate now until Jun is almost too close to his release, body shaking. His eyes are closed when he comes. He can’t even keep them open to look at Sho. That’s how far away his mind is. Only a wave of blurred, white lust washing over him.
~~~
One hour later, Jun sits on the floor, leaning against the heavily abused kitchen table. Sho is stretched out next to him, both of them totally spent. The leftovers are basically spread all over the kitchen floor since Sho has forcefully kicked them from the table. Several plates and cups are broken too. The kitchen is a mess.
“Sho-kun-“ Jun starts all of a sudden. “Fuck.” He stretches a bit and rubs over his strained neck. He hates doing it against a table or on the floor - today it was both. And he hates it when he hands control over so easily, gives in, still finds it embarrassing to show his want so openly. And he was right, on his left hip there is a bruise. “I can hardly move. What the hell was that about?”
Sho moves a bit and turns on his back. He takes Jun’s hand into his and places a kiss against his palm. Then he pulls a bit, telling Jun that he should lie down next to him. So he does, a little angry at himself at how easily he gave in again, rolling at the side to look at Sho properly. He touches Sho’s forehead a bit, brushes the strands of sweaty hair aside, before he places a kiss on it. He could probably lie there a lot longer if the floor wasn’t that horribly uncomfortable.
Sho seems to think the same, because he lets out a sigh. “We should probably clean up and eat something.” he says. “The floor is cold and not very comfortable.”
“Hm. I need to shower first.” Jun intervenes.
“You go. I’ll start with the cleaning up.”
~~~
Jun tries not to limp too much during the rehearsal the next day. He somewhat succeeds with that though Ohno sends him a weird glance at one point during the dance segment they need to do together. He also tries not to show his bad mood too much because he is sincerely pissed, not only at Sho but also at himself. He’s mad at himself for letting Sho play with his brain that much that he not openly asks him for rough sex but also denies any precaution, which led both to his aching body and the one or other bruise on his hips. He needs to be very careful not to run around shirtless in the next few days.
He fails a little with not showing his horrible mood though because Aiba keeps his distance wisely, while Sho looks a little guilty and doesn’t say or do much. Another wise decision because today, just everything might tick Jun off. It’s mostly Nino and Ohno who stay close to him that day, both of them pretty good in making Jun relax and calm down from whatever temper he just has.
At the end of the rehearsal, he feels calmer and a little better. “Want to go for a drink?” Ohno asks him randomly when he packs his things.
“Sure,” Jun says.
“Out?” Ohno asks, not wasting many words, like always.
“Nah,” Jun shakes his head. He is really not in the mood to go to a bar now. He just wants to head home, switch into comfortable clothes and sulk. “At my place? I have a fresh bottle of whisky.”
Ohno seems to be okay with that because he only nods and doesn’t say anything else. Jun has learned that anything Ohno doesn’t say is a silent agreement - at least that’s how he interpreted it. Aiba on the other hand went for the complete other interpretation - when Riida doesn’t answer to a question, he might not agree. Nino and Sho - these lucky two idiots - just don’t mind to analyse these signs and do what they want.
They head for Jun’s apartment immediately. It’s cold and rainy outside and they don’t want to waste any time in the cold. “Watch your step.” Jun says when Ohno wants to walk into his kitchen barefoot. “There might be a few shards at that corner.”
Ohno nods and changes his direction to go through the left side of the kitchen.
“There too.” Jun adds.
Ohno stares at him for a moment. “What the hell did you do yesterday?”
Jun shrugs and angles for two glasses and a bottle of whisky. Pure. Ohno merely raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything.
Jun gets heavily wasted that night. He knows he is doing something stupid when he spills one drink after another down his throat, but he doesn’t mind. At one point, he is half sitting, half lying on his sofa.
“He can be cute, you know?” Jun giggles when he snuglges against his pillow. “Sho-chan.”
“I bet.” Ohno snorts and his voice is dripping with sarcasm.
“He really can. Cuter than Masaki. But he is a bit stupid.”
Ohno nods. “Yep. Pretty sure he is an idiot.” he says and his voice sounds a little strained even through Jun’s slowed down senses.
“Why are you mad at him?” Jun asks and flips on his back.
Ohno just shrugs.
“You are complicated.” Jun complains, turning over. It’s only when he feels the slight pain on his elbow and the sting in his hips that he realizes he just dropped down from his sofa. “Not my hips again.” he mumbles.
Jun feels how Ohno steadies his body a little while he holds Jun’s left arm, his right one is still wrapped around the pillow. Jun’s head is spinning all of a sudden, his stomach seems to twitch painfully. It feels like he can hardly breathe. “Why doesn’t he love me?”
Even through his clouded eyes, he can see Ohno staring at him. “What?”
“I wish he would love me.” Jun sighs a little, his voice sounding shaky. He isn’t sure if it’s because of the alcohol or because of too much messed up feelings. “But it’s against the contract.”
That’s the last thing he remembers saying that night. He only slightly recalls how Ohno held his head when he threw up over the toilet, how he dragged him to his bed, making him drink water and swallow down some painkillers.
When Jun wakes up the next day, he can see Ohno sleeping next to him. A sigh of relief escapes his mouth. He is not alone. Gladly. Ohno stayed by his side. He hates to wake up and be alone, sincerely does. It’s one of his biggest fears - to be alone.
Jun turns around to angle for the glass of water on his bedside table. Every muscle of his body seems to hurt. When he drops down on his bed again, he knows Ohno is awake by the way he shifts his body. So he rests a hand on his back, glad that he doesn’t need to look at him when he says the following words. Ohno raises his head a bit, turning it slightly. “Don’t,” Jun begs and his voice is scratchy from the hangover that’s hitting in. “Don’t look at me.” he begs.
The good thing about Ohno is that he isn’t persistent, at least not much. But Jun feels that this time he needs and wants an explanation.
He robs a bit closer, leans his forehead against Ohno’s back. Ohno smells nice, he thinks, even though he has probably spent the whole night up. It would be so easy to have him by his side but it isn’t that simple. It’s not really something he could choose. “Can’t you just forget what happened yesterday?”
It’s silent for a moment before Ohno shifts slightly. “Forget what?” he asks. “That you got wasted like probably never before and threw up half the night or that you talked about Sho-kun most of the time? And what the hell was that story about the contract?”
“Please, just forget it.” Jun repeats.
“Jun-kun,” Ohno turns around now, apparently shocked enough to be more talkative than usual. “You cried on me. For real. You were hugging the toilet, crying for like an hour. Do you even remember?”
“I won’t do it again.”
“That’s not my point!”
Jun sighs. “I know.”
“Tell me-“ Ohno looks at him, eyes wide open and awake. “Do you love Sho?”
Jun just shrugs. “Not really my choice.”
“Then whose choice is it!?” Ohno huffs angrily. “Damn it, stop pretending! Since when do you even have that sex-thing going on? And why the hell did you even sign that stupid contract? Fuck, are you selling your body to Sho now?”
Jun doesn’t say anything. He is not so sure what to answer. Ohno’s words sting a little too much. To his surprise, he can even feel how his eyes start burning a little. He closes them - precaution. It’s when he feels Ohno’s hand on his shoulder that he half-opens them again.
“Sorry.” Ohno says and it sounds sincere, like most of the time when Ohno says something. “That was pretty low what I said right now. It came out wrong. Just-“ he pauses, clearing his throat. “What is going on?”
“I’m getting a headache.” Jun mumbles and it’s not even a lie. He turns on his back, away from Ohno’s eyes.
“Jun?” Ohno asks again, voice soft all of a sudden.
“For three years,” Jun admits. “We’ve been meeting regularly for three years.” In Ohno’s eyes he can see all kind of emotions and he is not sure which the most dominant ones are. “Don’t tell him.” Jun says. “And don’t be mad at him. This is not only his fault, you know?”
“But-“
“Don’t make me beg, please.” Jun interrupts his friend and turns his head a little to the side to look at Ohno again. “Last night was a low point. I can’t believe I sank that low. If I need to beg on top of that, I-“ he pauses, not sure how to underline how important it is for him that Ohno won’t tell Sho anything. That he just accept that Jun needs to sort out his feelings and his thoughts too.
“I’m watching you.” Ohno says and although it’s a clear warning, Jun has to smile.
“Okay.”
“And if I see you losing control, I will tell Sho to do something about it.”
Jun nods. “That’s just fair. But I’ve gotten over my low point. I just need to sort a few things. Not sure what I want.”
Ohno sighs a little. “Try to find out soon.” he says casually. “It’s not worth ruining your health and mind. So,” he pushes Jun back into a lying position. “Sleep now. And don’t dare to get up before noon. After that, we’ll have a proper hang-over breakfast. And then I might consider keeping this a secret.”
Jun smiles. “Thank you.”
~~~
It’s evening when Jun sits down on his sofa with a cup of tea. He has kept his promise to Ohno, slept properly and had some breakfast with him. Now that Ohno left his place and he is alone again, he feels a bit at a loss. But it’s not a crushing feeling anymore. He really does feel better all of a sudden, like he had needed this one really bad night to just spill all his confused feelings out. He needed a valve that listened to his feelings and that understood him.
He almost feels a little refreshed now, deciding to face his problems for real now. When his phone vibrates, he expects it to be one of his friends, but to his surprise, it isn’t.
Hi Jun-kun! Are you okay? I’m sorry. I should have been more cautious last time we met but I just wanted you so badly. I seem to lose all my rational senses when I’m with you. Why don’t we go out for dinner tomorrow? My treat!
If Jun hadn’t gotten Ohno’s promise, he might have believed that Sho heard the one or other thing from Ohno. But he is sure that Ohno keeps his promise. He smiles brightly when he reads that message. He tries to be cool but his heart betrays him and skips a beat.
I’m fine, don’t worry. Tomorrow, 7 PM?
We don’t owe each other any invitation, that’s what was written in the original contract. Jun bites his lips. Does that mean Sho is breaking his own rules? He wonders which one of them is the true frivolous one here because he almost feels happy that Sho feels bad enough to invite him out.
It’s so pathetic but he can’t help it. He will be able to have some quality time with Sho, some real quality time, nothing that will lead them to bed.
~~~
“Try that.” Sho moves his chopsticks towards Jun. “It tastes really good.”
“Are you sure?” Jun eyes the piece of meat that rather looks like a bleeding mud ball suspiciously.
Sho chuckles and the way his lips move into a smile makes Jun’s heart jump a little. “Come on, Ma-chan,” Sho jokes. “Don’t be a child.”
“If Sho-chan says so,” Jun plays along. He reaches out his hand and grasps Sho’s hand to move it towards his mouth. While he takes the offered piece of meat, he doesn’t move his gaze away from Sho. “Tastes good.” he says though he doesn’t even realize its taste. Sho’s eyes are looking at him so intensely, like he is searching for something.
It happens pretty fast and comes so much as a surprise that Jun can’t react at all. But suddenly, Sho moves forward, his lips pressed against his until Jun opens them and allows Sho’s tongue to slide in. His heart betrays him yet again because it beats excitedly, and also his body reacts. He can hardly control his reactions and his hand moves to Sho’s chest, thumb brushing over his collarbones.
When Sho draws back again, his cheeks are flushed a little. Sho looks away, embarrassment in his eyes. “I-“ he pauses. “you weren’t supposed to eat it all.” he finally explains. “I wanted to have my half back.”
Ah, Jun thinks, and doesn’t get Sho’s rambling at all.
~~~
Click for PART 2
Pairing/Group: Sakumoto, guest appearances by the rest of Arashi of course
Rating: R/NC-17 (in one scene)
Beta: ivenclaire
Genre: romance, a little bit of angst
Summary: Jun and Sho are held together by the invisible red string called desire. They set rules but no name for that thing between them. No strings attached. But then, one of them might want more.
Note: Written for Jun's birthday :-)
Summer, 2012
Jun feels like he should be less surprised than he actually is when Sho hands him a sheet of paper. Sho likes things neat after all - not the kind of neat Jun likes - more like: he likes things done properly. Correctly.
They had just spent a night together after their concert the day before and Jun had thought that they would just move on. He has learned that it hurts a little less than when he just tries to forget it. Like each time he got close to Sho. Like after every night they spend with each other - as they did when they had their 10th anniversary, and after Aiba’s birthday party one year ago. And when they were 20-year-old youngsters, just making their first experiences and Sho wanted to show Jun some tricks, at least that’s what Sho believed he was doing. Or in the toilet of this in-club when they came back from their Asia tour. The celebration-sex when they were finally hitting it big around 2007.
It’s always been the same. But this time, apparently, it’s different. Sho wants to make it different. The sheet of paper in front of Jun is a contract. A freaking contract - done sloppily and amateur-like, but it contains a little set of rules. Jun stares at Sho for a while, not sure how the hell he is supposed to react to that now.
“It seems-“ Sho begins to talk. Apparently, Jun not saying anything has pushed him to give a proper explanation. “-that we tend to have a, well, certain tension between us.” He pauses. “And I enjoy having sex with you.” he adds and takes a huge gulp from the whisky he had ordered when they met up in that little, private restaurant.
“Ah,” Jun makes, just to say anything really. “And? You want to stop it?”
Sho shakes his head and points at the sheet of paper. With a sigh, Jun takes it in his hands. Contract for friends with benefits. Parties: Sakurai Sho and Matsumoto Jun.
“With all due respect,” Jun says, his voice bland even to his own ears. Sometimes, he just wishes he would have the guts to just slap this dude. “Have you lost it?”
When Sho shakes his head, his eyes looking directly into Jun’s, he knows Sho isn’t lying. He actually means it. To be honest, Jun has never ever had such a stupid suggestion offered to him, and the only reason he doesn’t get up and just leave is that it’s Sho sitting in front of him. “You seriously want to make a contract concerning the fact that we sometimes end in bed with each other?”
“Yes.”
Jun’s eyes fly over the sheet of paper swiftly. There are several points written on there, like that they are allowed to meet others, that they should give certain signs to each other when they want to meet, not make it awkward, that they wouldn’t owe each other anything, that they should give each other freedom when needed. General friends with benefits knowledge. “Just be glad that you are good-looking,” Jun says, still in disbelief. “Otherwise, I would rather send you to a mental institution.”
Sho shrugs but to Jun’s relief, he blushes a little and bites down on his lips. Like he knows this is weird. “I just don’t want this thing between us to hurt us or our group. Is that wrong?” Sho asks all of a sudden.
There is not much Jun can answer to that, so he just shrugs. Still, he thinks it’s stupid and something inside him twitches a little. It’s not a good feeling - he can tell that much at least.
“So,” Sho continues. “We can still add things to the contract or negotiate about it. What do you think is adequate for us to do in bed?”
Adequate? Jun looks up from the paper again, suddenly bursting in laughter. “Sho-san, we are not in 50 Shades of Grey. You know that, right? If you want to try something, ask me. And I’ll tell you if it’s adequate or not!”
“50 Shades of what?” Sho asks, surprised.
Trust Sho to not even know the most popular references of modern pop culture. “Forget it. Just tell me what you have in mind right now.”
“Well, do you only want to meet in hotels or are our apartments okay too?” Sho asks. “Are there any implements we can use on each other?”
“Like vibrators?” Jun teases softly, grinning when Sho blushes again. He puts the sheet of paper aside. “I’ll tell you something - and seriously, it’s not only my last but also my only offer. We keep the rules general. Not more than four or five of them and only the ones that might affect our work. Everything else we adapt to naturally - like we did previously!”
“But-“
“Sho-san, I mean it. I’m not compromising any more than that!” In fact, having a contract is already the compromise, Jun thinks, but doesn’t say it out loud. Jun looks at the other insistently, tries not to waver and not to give in to Sho’s thoughtful glance resting on him. Then Sho turns his head away. Jun has won. Judging by the nod Sho gives him, he apparently understood his point.
~~~
Jun didn’t believe at first that something would change. They talk normally during rehearsals, sometimes they text, nothing unusual. They aren’t even more awkward than usual. But when he receives the first message from Sho, asking him if he is in the mood to drop by and have some dinner - the code? - he knows something has changed.
And though he doesn’t want to admit it, Sho being so straight-forward is alluring. It’s mostly Jun’s curiosity - and because Sho is so undoubtedly hot - that he agreed to these five rules between them. Simple rules, but somehow, a very weak side in Jun - the one he likes to ignore and deny - is glad that they have set them up. He likes to believe that he is at least a tiny bit special to Sho.
“You came.” Sho says when Jun knocks at his door. And he sounds a little relieved and nervous. Cute, almost.
“I brought something to eat.” Jun holds up his bag and smiles. The awkwardness diffuses almost immediately. And they mainly spend the next hour cooking. Though it’s rather Jun cooking and Sho doing lower work like cutting the vegetables. He only chuckles when Jun tells him he is a natural catastrophe in the kitchen.
Jun is about to turn on the oven when he feels Sho’s hands on his hips. “Let’s finish that later.” Sho says and his breath tickles Jun’s neck.
It’s surprisingly natural and normal. Jun is only a little surprised when he feels Sho kissing his neck so bluntly without any previous warning. But then, that’s what he came here for after all. So he decides not to show any surprise, and just play along.
It should feel more awkward, Jun thinks, when he turns around allowing Sho to kiss him softly. A little voice in his head screams though and tells him not to do it, that it’s stupid and would turn into a catastrophe. But unfortunately, Jun wants Sho - NOW! Shut up voice!
~~~
It’s three years later and the contract is still there. Sho calls him regularly to meet up and so does Jun. They are not talking about it anymore. It’s like they forgot that the contract exists - it’s natural. Just go with the flow, Jun thinks, and sometimes he hates how happy he feels when his phone rings and he sees Sho’s name popping up. He hates how much his heart betrays him and how he sometimes can’t get that trail of thought out of his head; that Sho is his or as close to being his as he can ever be. It should be enough, right?
~~~
If Jun has to describe what connects them together, he would probably say passion. He isn’t sure if it’s truly love he feels for Sho, but there is something he can’t deny. It’s against their rules of course to have these feelings, but he is not going to tell it to Sho and his thoughts are his after all. Sometimes, Jun is shocked at how numb he has become when it’s about Sho, at how he accepts these rules even though he knows it’s unhealthy. Knew it from the beginning when he agreed to it. And it gets worse with every phone call or text from Sho, with every time they meet just to have sex.
Is it fate? He likes to believe that, but probably not. Is it destiny? Not sure. To be honest, he has no idea what these words mean.
Aiba has talked about love and destiny today during their rehearsals - a lot. When he finally says how every person is destined to find his perfect partner, Sho only laughs. “Destiny-” he says. “Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental.”
Jun silently agrees to that. Silently, because Aiba is seriously getting worked up now and he doesn’t want to add fuel to the fire.
Later, when he is going home together with Sho and they reach Jun’s apartment, he can’t help a teasing remark. “Sleepless in Seattle.”
“Hm?” Sho blinks.
“Well-“ Jun closes the door behind them, pads into the bathroom and grabs a shirt from the laundry dryer. “You stole that line about destiny and accidents from Sleepless in Seattle.” he teases and takes off his black shirt to switch into a fresh one. “You didn’t think I wouldn’t remember your weird adoration for old romance movies? We watched it together, remember?”
He doesn’t really wait for Sho to answer, because he has already expected the latter not to react to his teasing. Instead, he can feel how Sho hugs him from behind, his cold fingers slipping under his shirt and touching his abs.
As expected. Numb. It’s like he has lost his conscience, his feeling for what is good and right.
“Let’s do what we can do best.” Sho hums against his neck.
Jun doesn’t mind. He likes to feel Sho’s lips against his neck, his hands on his body. He enjoys the wave of desire that swaps over them whenever they are alone. Sometimes, he wonders if that’s okay, if it’s enough for staying together, but right now, he doesn’t care.
~~~
It’s way past midnight and Sho is already sleeping. A fullmoon night, which Jun always hates. He gets out of the bed and silently moves into the living room. He could watch a movie, he thinks. When he moves his fingers over all of his Blu-rays, he stops at a specific movie. Sleepless in Seattle. Well, why not?
~~~
They have never given a name to that thing between them, not even in the stupid contract that Jun has hidden somewhere in one of his drawers. Jun doesn’t even know what it is. A relationship? - because even though they are free to meet others, they are still meeting each other regularly. Though it’s mostly for sex. Friendship? He gets along a lot better with Ohno and the others. Random buddies? Heck, if he wants to chat with someone randomly, he is going to call Ryo or Nino.
The only good thing about these complicated thoughts is that Sho has probably no idea what is going on between them either. Sometimes, Jun can feel Sho’s thoughtful glance resting on him. He can see the doubt in his eyes - and when he tries really hard and allows himself to dream a little, he can even see a hint of pain, sometimes, very faintly.
They never voice it out. It’s only the few conditions they agreed on when they started to meet regularly that remain.
Arashi comes first.
Other work comes second.
No strings attached.
They don’t interrogate each other. No “where have you been”, no “what did you do”, no “who did you meet”.
In the line of guys they might meet and sleep with, Jun and Sho come first. They won’t stand each other up.
No strings. Sometimes Jun can smell perfume on Sho’s clothes which he is sure isn’t from Sho. It also happens that Sho writes cryptical messages, most likely because he doesn’t want to voice it out loud that he is meeting someone else right now.
Jun doesn’t judge Sho for that at all. It’s not like he is any better. He is just as bad and frivolous as Sho. As long as he has a special place in Sho’s life, it’s okay.
Here and there it happens that he doesn’t see Sho for weeks. It mostly occurs when they are both busy with drama shootings, photo shoots, or individual work. Most of the time, it doesn’t bother Jun. It’s not like he misses Sho all the time, but sometimes, it does feel lonely. Only a bit though.
It can’t be because of Sho. It’s not like he has lost his mind and allows himself to miss the other one. It rather has to be his body longing for someone’s touches - no matter who it is that does the touching. His body merely needs to feel the warmth of someone else - it’s that simple. Besides, Sho isn’t even that good-looking! His face is a little too round and his chin too small and he is pretty short in general! On top of that, he has the weirdest sense of humor. He can’t cook and comes up with the most idiotic suggestion - no sense of timing! It’s just that he has some pretty nice abs and he has this cute little chuckle where there are suddenly wrinkles appearing around his eyes. He sparkles when he laughs, likes to drink his tea cold - nose smelling it first, cute wrinkles appearing around it - and always brings a slice of lemon for Jun along when he mixes cocktails. And his eyes, they have so much depth. Different shades of brown - and they just look so dark when he is turned on.
Damn it! Jun curses loudly and angles for a glass of wine. He empties it in one gulp. It’s just sex, nothing important!
Sadly, it sounds like an excuse to his own ears and it gets harder to believe in it with every day.
If the doubts get too strong, he calls for another person. During the last times, it’s always been Mizobata Junpei who he calls. Since Shitsuren Chocolatier, they have been getting along quite well.
“Junpei-kun, wanna drop by for some movies?” he says. It’s a code. One that Junpei can either decline if he is busy or doesn’t feel the need for it, without anyone of them feeling stupid or embarrassed (Do you wanna drop by for sex sounds a lot less casual). Or he can agree to it, like it’s the most normal thing on earth.
“Yeah, give me a minute. I’ll be at your place in two hours.”
“Grab something to eat on your way?”
“Sure, promise!”
~~~
Junpei is always on time. Never comes too late, never breaks a promise. This time too, he knocks at Jun’s door exactly two hours later. And when Jun opens it, he has a bag in his hand that basically screams overprized food. “Italian specialties?” Jun asks, trying to guess the language on the bag.
“Yes, I had to try it.” Junpei raises his hands in defence, a grin on his face. “Don’t say anything. I know it’s a waste of money.”
“Hm.” Jun nods. “Probably.”
Junpei merely laughs and walks to the living room. Jun is pretty sure he is about to say something else, but he just can’t wait anymore. He grabs Junpei’s arm and pulls him back. Can’t wait. Impossible.
The bag with Italian specialties lies on the ground, completely forgotten by them, while they move to the sofa quickly. Jun doesn’t like to do it in his bed, his bed is only for the times Sho is there.
Sho, he thinks. Sho-kun… It takes some effort to get this idiot out of his head again and concentrate on the person in front of - or rather below - him.
The good thing about Junpei is that he is so awesomely uncomplicated. The sex is good and without any embarrassment between them. Once they both came down from their endorphin rush and their bodies cooled down a bit, Junpei sits up again. “Now I’m hungry.” he jokes. “It’s always the same, because you like to have sex before I can eat something.”
“Is that the reason, why you always bring something non-perishable and cold along?” Jun wants to know with a smile on his lips while he gets up too. “Heading for the shower,” he says.
Junpei nods. “Good. I’ll go after you. Eating a bit first.”
Five minutes later Jun is back, only wearing black shorts. Junpei turns around a bit, leaning over the sofa to watch him, while Jun switches into a white shirt and a comfortable pair of jeans. “You know-“ Junpei muses. “I like it when you wear black underwear. Looks hot.”
“Idiot,” Jun smacks him, but can’t help a grin. “Anything you want from the kitchen?” he asks when Junpei is about to disappear into the bathroom.
“Gin Tonic,” Junpei says.
Later, they settle down on Jun’s sofa, eating the Italian specialties and having some drinks. They are watching some movies now. Action. Junpei likes that genre the most. It’s weird, Jun thinks. Junpei is sweet and cute, but he likes those action loaded blockbusters, while Sho seems to be rough and cold sometimes, but loves sappy romance movies.
A contradiction in itself. Sho is a contradiction.
~~~
Sho’s schedule miraculously gets less loaded. He is calling Jun all of a sudden and drops by. They don’t even use a code anymore because they hardly decline each other anyway.
There are still leftovers from the Italian food in his fridge. “Is that from the new Italian specialty restaurant?” Sho wants to know, clearly sounding surprised.
“Yeah, I guess. A friend brought it along.”
“Hm,” Sho nods, but looks a bit moody suddenly. Jun wonders why. Of course Sho could easily guess what this friend dropped by for. Junpei uses this heavily mint aftershave and the smell of it still lingers in the bathroom. So, it is pretty obvious. It’s always obvious also when Sho had met someone else. Nothing new to it.
So why does he look that upset? “Want to try some of it?” Jun asks to diffuse the tension.
“No.” Sho huffs and suddenly he is kissing Jun. Without any previous warning. Kisses him in a way he has never kissed him before. Jun can feel how his body gets pressed against the kitchen table, the edge of it painfully pressed against his hip. It will leave a bruise for sure. But he doesn’t have the time to react or voice a complaint because Sho is so rough and fast and dominant all of a sudden that he sweeps Jun along. Jun can see how he kicks the leftovers from the table. That draws the first complaint from Jun. “You want to do it here?” he asks. “It’s the kitchen table, Sho-kun!”
“Who cares!?” Sho says and his voice is so thick with all kind of feelings that Jun feels weirdly drawn to it. Fine, he thinks.
“Turn over.” Sho says, a little softer now while working Jun’s pants down, and it only comes out as half a command.
Jun normally likes a nice foreplay, so he wonders if he just lost his mind when he does what Sho wants him to do; turning over, fingers grasping the edges of the kitchen table while he feels how Sho prepares him, his slick fingers not probing his entrance much and pushing in soon. At least Sho seems to have enough senses awake to stretch him before he adds a second and third finger. Still, it goes fast, the stretch burning a little. But when Jun feels Sho’s body against his back, lips drawing wet patterns on his back, teeth scratching his sensitive skin slightly, Jun’s body feels like it’s burning in want. He is sure they have both lost it.
It feels so good to feel Sho like that, to feel his touches and his lips. Damn it. It feels too good.
“Sho-san,” Jun huffs impatiently. “Stop the teasing and fuck me already.” It comes out a lot more unfriendly than he would have said it in a normal situation. Or to anyone else that is not Sho.
He likes to be asked instead of being the one who does the begging - normally, but with Sho, nothing seems to be normal anymore.
He turns his head a little, trying to catch Sho’s eyes. He needs to see them, see the look in them to lose the last remains of doubt he might still have right now. When he finally meets Sho’s glance, something inside Jun’s stomach seems to burst in pure want. Damn it, screw this manipulative idiot for looking so hot, for his eyes being so dark and clouded with lust.
“Fuck me,” Jun adds, allowing his voice and body to give up on the control and just plead, show Sho how much he wants it. “Please.”
He can feel how Sho tenses up in surprise before his lips turn into a smirk against his shoulder. Sho moves away a little, but doesn’t pull his fingers out. “Very well.” Sho mumbles and bites down on Jun’s butt softly. It draws the first real moan from Jun and he almost misses the little rustling sound when Sho angles for something in his bag.
Sho is always prepared it seems. Before Jun can even question the fact that apparently, Sho came to his place almost too well prepared. His fingers continue the rubbing and teasing and Jun is back to avoiding turning into a moaning mess. Sho then pulls his fingers out at once, strong hands grabbing Jun’s hips before he can feel Sho’s dick pressed against his entrance.
He pushes in, carefully but not particularly slowly. Jun clenches his muscles around Sho’s dick, the intrusion a little too sudden. This time, it’s Sho who moans desperately, his left hand leaving Jun’s hip and resting on the table. Jun can feel how Sho’s right hand grabs him tightly, fingers shaking a little. He grins and clenches the muscles again.
“Screw you Jun-san,” Sho breathes out, his voice hoarse and a little shaky.
“What are you waiting for? Or are you seriously here to lead a cultured conversation, Sakurai-san?” Jun pushes him further, knowing exactly what Sho likes to hear. Sho’s hand is now on his shoulder, holding him down. And it proves him right that Sho just lost it as well, because the latter is not wasting any time anymore, just starts to push in and out with fast movements. Probably, on a normal day, Sho’s not gentle enough. But for now, it’s just exactly what Jun wanted him to do.
He gasps when he feels how Sho changes his angle, his dick brushing against Jun’s soft spot, making the sight in front of his eyes blurry. Then Sho’s right hand is suddenly gone from his hip. Instead, he can feel the latter’s fingers being wrapped around his cock, pumping it without any further teasing. The rhythm is a little messed up, not like when they spend a lot more time with teasing each other. But Jun couldn’t care less, because - damn it, Sho just pulls all his switches at once.
“You are so hot, so beautiful,” Sho says all of a sudden and Jun almost hates him for making him blush right now, in that situation and in that position, when he is that vulnerable, that turned on and so freaking close to coming.
The sight gets blurred in front of his eyes again and he doesn’t even know why. But at one point, he isn’t bent over the kitchen table anymore but lying on the floor, Sho on top of him, his movements more desperate now until Jun is almost too close to his release, body shaking. His eyes are closed when he comes. He can’t even keep them open to look at Sho. That’s how far away his mind is. Only a wave of blurred, white lust washing over him.
~~~
One hour later, Jun sits on the floor, leaning against the heavily abused kitchen table. Sho is stretched out next to him, both of them totally spent. The leftovers are basically spread all over the kitchen floor since Sho has forcefully kicked them from the table. Several plates and cups are broken too. The kitchen is a mess.
“Sho-kun-“ Jun starts all of a sudden. “Fuck.” He stretches a bit and rubs over his strained neck. He hates doing it against a table or on the floor - today it was both. And he hates it when he hands control over so easily, gives in, still finds it embarrassing to show his want so openly. And he was right, on his left hip there is a bruise. “I can hardly move. What the hell was that about?”
Sho moves a bit and turns on his back. He takes Jun’s hand into his and places a kiss against his palm. Then he pulls a bit, telling Jun that he should lie down next to him. So he does, a little angry at himself at how easily he gave in again, rolling at the side to look at Sho properly. He touches Sho’s forehead a bit, brushes the strands of sweaty hair aside, before he places a kiss on it. He could probably lie there a lot longer if the floor wasn’t that horribly uncomfortable.
Sho seems to think the same, because he lets out a sigh. “We should probably clean up and eat something.” he says. “The floor is cold and not very comfortable.”
“Hm. I need to shower first.” Jun intervenes.
“You go. I’ll start with the cleaning up.”
~~~
Jun tries not to limp too much during the rehearsal the next day. He somewhat succeeds with that though Ohno sends him a weird glance at one point during the dance segment they need to do together. He also tries not to show his bad mood too much because he is sincerely pissed, not only at Sho but also at himself. He’s mad at himself for letting Sho play with his brain that much that he not openly asks him for rough sex but also denies any precaution, which led both to his aching body and the one or other bruise on his hips. He needs to be very careful not to run around shirtless in the next few days.
He fails a little with not showing his horrible mood though because Aiba keeps his distance wisely, while Sho looks a little guilty and doesn’t say or do much. Another wise decision because today, just everything might tick Jun off. It’s mostly Nino and Ohno who stay close to him that day, both of them pretty good in making Jun relax and calm down from whatever temper he just has.
At the end of the rehearsal, he feels calmer and a little better. “Want to go for a drink?” Ohno asks him randomly when he packs his things.
“Sure,” Jun says.
“Out?” Ohno asks, not wasting many words, like always.
“Nah,” Jun shakes his head. He is really not in the mood to go to a bar now. He just wants to head home, switch into comfortable clothes and sulk. “At my place? I have a fresh bottle of whisky.”
Ohno seems to be okay with that because he only nods and doesn’t say anything else. Jun has learned that anything Ohno doesn’t say is a silent agreement - at least that’s how he interpreted it. Aiba on the other hand went for the complete other interpretation - when Riida doesn’t answer to a question, he might not agree. Nino and Sho - these lucky two idiots - just don’t mind to analyse these signs and do what they want.
They head for Jun’s apartment immediately. It’s cold and rainy outside and they don’t want to waste any time in the cold. “Watch your step.” Jun says when Ohno wants to walk into his kitchen barefoot. “There might be a few shards at that corner.”
Ohno nods and changes his direction to go through the left side of the kitchen.
“There too.” Jun adds.
Ohno stares at him for a moment. “What the hell did you do yesterday?”
Jun shrugs and angles for two glasses and a bottle of whisky. Pure. Ohno merely raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything.
Jun gets heavily wasted that night. He knows he is doing something stupid when he spills one drink after another down his throat, but he doesn’t mind. At one point, he is half sitting, half lying on his sofa.
“He can be cute, you know?” Jun giggles when he snuglges against his pillow. “Sho-chan.”
“I bet.” Ohno snorts and his voice is dripping with sarcasm.
“He really can. Cuter than Masaki. But he is a bit stupid.”
Ohno nods. “Yep. Pretty sure he is an idiot.” he says and his voice sounds a little strained even through Jun’s slowed down senses.
“Why are you mad at him?” Jun asks and flips on his back.
Ohno just shrugs.
“You are complicated.” Jun complains, turning over. It’s only when he feels the slight pain on his elbow and the sting in his hips that he realizes he just dropped down from his sofa. “Not my hips again.” he mumbles.
Jun feels how Ohno steadies his body a little while he holds Jun’s left arm, his right one is still wrapped around the pillow. Jun’s head is spinning all of a sudden, his stomach seems to twitch painfully. It feels like he can hardly breathe. “Why doesn’t he love me?”
Even through his clouded eyes, he can see Ohno staring at him. “What?”
“I wish he would love me.” Jun sighs a little, his voice sounding shaky. He isn’t sure if it’s because of the alcohol or because of too much messed up feelings. “But it’s against the contract.”
That’s the last thing he remembers saying that night. He only slightly recalls how Ohno held his head when he threw up over the toilet, how he dragged him to his bed, making him drink water and swallow down some painkillers.
When Jun wakes up the next day, he can see Ohno sleeping next to him. A sigh of relief escapes his mouth. He is not alone. Gladly. Ohno stayed by his side. He hates to wake up and be alone, sincerely does. It’s one of his biggest fears - to be alone.
Jun turns around to angle for the glass of water on his bedside table. Every muscle of his body seems to hurt. When he drops down on his bed again, he knows Ohno is awake by the way he shifts his body. So he rests a hand on his back, glad that he doesn’t need to look at him when he says the following words. Ohno raises his head a bit, turning it slightly. “Don’t,” Jun begs and his voice is scratchy from the hangover that’s hitting in. “Don’t look at me.” he begs.
The good thing about Ohno is that he isn’t persistent, at least not much. But Jun feels that this time he needs and wants an explanation.
He robs a bit closer, leans his forehead against Ohno’s back. Ohno smells nice, he thinks, even though he has probably spent the whole night up. It would be so easy to have him by his side but it isn’t that simple. It’s not really something he could choose. “Can’t you just forget what happened yesterday?”
It’s silent for a moment before Ohno shifts slightly. “Forget what?” he asks. “That you got wasted like probably never before and threw up half the night or that you talked about Sho-kun most of the time? And what the hell was that story about the contract?”
“Please, just forget it.” Jun repeats.
“Jun-kun,” Ohno turns around now, apparently shocked enough to be more talkative than usual. “You cried on me. For real. You were hugging the toilet, crying for like an hour. Do you even remember?”
“I won’t do it again.”
“That’s not my point!”
Jun sighs. “I know.”
“Tell me-“ Ohno looks at him, eyes wide open and awake. “Do you love Sho?”
Jun just shrugs. “Not really my choice.”
“Then whose choice is it!?” Ohno huffs angrily. “Damn it, stop pretending! Since when do you even have that sex-thing going on? And why the hell did you even sign that stupid contract? Fuck, are you selling your body to Sho now?”
Jun doesn’t say anything. He is not so sure what to answer. Ohno’s words sting a little too much. To his surprise, he can even feel how his eyes start burning a little. He closes them - precaution. It’s when he feels Ohno’s hand on his shoulder that he half-opens them again.
“Sorry.” Ohno says and it sounds sincere, like most of the time when Ohno says something. “That was pretty low what I said right now. It came out wrong. Just-“ he pauses, clearing his throat. “What is going on?”
“I’m getting a headache.” Jun mumbles and it’s not even a lie. He turns on his back, away from Ohno’s eyes.
“Jun?” Ohno asks again, voice soft all of a sudden.
“For three years,” Jun admits. “We’ve been meeting regularly for three years.” In Ohno’s eyes he can see all kind of emotions and he is not sure which the most dominant ones are. “Don’t tell him.” Jun says. “And don’t be mad at him. This is not only his fault, you know?”
“But-“
“Don’t make me beg, please.” Jun interrupts his friend and turns his head a little to the side to look at Ohno again. “Last night was a low point. I can’t believe I sank that low. If I need to beg on top of that, I-“ he pauses, not sure how to underline how important it is for him that Ohno won’t tell Sho anything. That he just accept that Jun needs to sort out his feelings and his thoughts too.
“I’m watching you.” Ohno says and although it’s a clear warning, Jun has to smile.
“Okay.”
“And if I see you losing control, I will tell Sho to do something about it.”
Jun nods. “That’s just fair. But I’ve gotten over my low point. I just need to sort a few things. Not sure what I want.”
Ohno sighs a little. “Try to find out soon.” he says casually. “It’s not worth ruining your health and mind. So,” he pushes Jun back into a lying position. “Sleep now. And don’t dare to get up before noon. After that, we’ll have a proper hang-over breakfast. And then I might consider keeping this a secret.”
Jun smiles. “Thank you.”
~~~
It’s evening when Jun sits down on his sofa with a cup of tea. He has kept his promise to Ohno, slept properly and had some breakfast with him. Now that Ohno left his place and he is alone again, he feels a bit at a loss. But it’s not a crushing feeling anymore. He really does feel better all of a sudden, like he had needed this one really bad night to just spill all his confused feelings out. He needed a valve that listened to his feelings and that understood him.
He almost feels a little refreshed now, deciding to face his problems for real now. When his phone vibrates, he expects it to be one of his friends, but to his surprise, it isn’t.
Hi Jun-kun! Are you okay? I’m sorry. I should have been more cautious last time we met but I just wanted you so badly. I seem to lose all my rational senses when I’m with you. Why don’t we go out for dinner tomorrow? My treat!
If Jun hadn’t gotten Ohno’s promise, he might have believed that Sho heard the one or other thing from Ohno. But he is sure that Ohno keeps his promise. He smiles brightly when he reads that message. He tries to be cool but his heart betrays him and skips a beat.
I’m fine, don’t worry. Tomorrow, 7 PM?
We don’t owe each other any invitation, that’s what was written in the original contract. Jun bites his lips. Does that mean Sho is breaking his own rules? He wonders which one of them is the true frivolous one here because he almost feels happy that Sho feels bad enough to invite him out.
It’s so pathetic but he can’t help it. He will be able to have some quality time with Sho, some real quality time, nothing that will lead them to bed.
~~~
“Try that.” Sho moves his chopsticks towards Jun. “It tastes really good.”
“Are you sure?” Jun eyes the piece of meat that rather looks like a bleeding mud ball suspiciously.
Sho chuckles and the way his lips move into a smile makes Jun’s heart jump a little. “Come on, Ma-chan,” Sho jokes. “Don’t be a child.”
“If Sho-chan says so,” Jun plays along. He reaches out his hand and grasps Sho’s hand to move it towards his mouth. While he takes the offered piece of meat, he doesn’t move his gaze away from Sho. “Tastes good.” he says though he doesn’t even realize its taste. Sho’s eyes are looking at him so intensely, like he is searching for something.
It happens pretty fast and comes so much as a surprise that Jun can’t react at all. But suddenly, Sho moves forward, his lips pressed against his until Jun opens them and allows Sho’s tongue to slide in. His heart betrays him yet again because it beats excitedly, and also his body reacts. He can hardly control his reactions and his hand moves to Sho’s chest, thumb brushing over his collarbones.
When Sho draws back again, his cheeks are flushed a little. Sho looks away, embarrassment in his eyes. “I-“ he pauses. “you weren’t supposed to eat it all.” he finally explains. “I wanted to have my half back.”
Ah, Jun thinks, and doesn’t get Sho’s rambling at all.
~~~
Click for PART 2