Fanfic: Signs to my Heart
Title: Signs to my Heart
Author: yume16
Disclaimer: If the boys were mine they would be married. Obviously, they are not *duhhhhh*
Beta: blursakana
Pairing(s): Koyashige <3
Rating: PG_13
Genre: err...could be fluff mixed with some semi-angst
Warnings: Drunkness XD
Summary: Koyama stops speaking...verbally.
Author Notes: Isn't the title sickenly sweet? Please give this a chance though^^ It's somehow very dear to me.
Signs to my Heart
Having a fight with Koyama was never nice, and since the other had learned how to use sign language, it had become a real pain.
“Keii-chan!” Shige almost screamed at his best friend only to get a silent answer again! Whatever the other spoke with his hands, he didn’t understand.
It was so terribly frustrating.
Since Koyama had learned sign language the other didn’t have to speak with him verbally anymore when he had managed to piss him off. No, he used his hands while having a serious look on his face, knowing perfectly well, that Shige didn’t understand a word.
“Speak with me!” Shige grabbed the other’s hands and tried to prevent him from using them, but Koyama was strong and he got shook off easily.
When he put on his shoes, he was ready to strangle whoever had proposed to Koyama to learn the sign language for the 24h TV. He had spent a whole evening with talking to his mute friend that refused to say a word. At least verbally. Yes, he had been late at one of their nights when they wanted to go out, but he had explained it several times and even apologized, but no, it was not enough. Koyama refused to accept his apology. That was obvious by now.
This carried on for two weeks and even Massu noticed that something was terribly off. The other had pulled him aside after practice to ask him and when he explained, Massu had looked slightly amused by the situation. Though, he had tried to comfort him afterwards, telling him not to give up and that Koyama couldn’t stay mad at him forever, but now, he wasn’t all that sure that he wouldn’t.
Tired, he drove home and dropped on his couch in the living room. When he had left earlier today he had been determined to come home happy. Well, that didn’t really work out.
Why didn’t Koyama forgive him? It was not like he had been late on propose. Okay, it had snowed and the other had waited in the cold for him for half an hour. That must have really been awful, but his girlfriend had surprisingly showed up just as he had gotten ready. He couldn’t kick her out, could he? It had taken 20 minutes to get her to leave again. She had not been amused at all and told him that if he continued acting the way he was with Koyama, they should just get married.
Maybe it had been a little insensitive to point out to her that gay-marriages were not legally accepted in Japan and therefore they would never get married. It would probably have been wiser to reassure her. Well, he had always sucked at getting along with girls. Now that he thought about it, they hadn’t talked since then either.
Tiredly, he rubbed his face. Why did everything have to go wrong?
She was probably really mad by now because he hadn’t called and apologized, but he had totally forgotten about the matter the second Koyama had started with his sign language again. Usually, a heartfelt apology worked to get the other to speak with him again, but not this time and he didn’t know why.
Contemplating, he bit his lip. When Koyama refused to speak with him, then there was no other way but to learn that damn sign language as well to be able to understand what the other was telling him. It better not be just some insults.
Grumbling to himself, he got his laptop and first of all searched for sign language on the Internet. The more he read about it, the more he got amazed by Koyama. If the other wanted something, he really did it no matter how difficult it was. Well, he hoped he would have enough patience to learn it as well, but since he hated to be outdone, especially if it was something that required studying, he was set on learning it.
The following evenings he spent by fumbling with his hands and trying to remember the movements. Even though he was set on being able to understand Koyama from now on, he didn’t stop trying to get the other to talk to him. With as much success as before.
By now, he really felt like crying. He missed the other terribly and realized just how much time they actually spent with each other. The worst was though that he couldn’t go to him anymore when he needed comfort. There was no one else he had to share his sorrows with. His mother didn’t count.
He was reminded of that, when his girlfriend stood in front of his door with such a mad expression on her face, that he automatically took a step back. Shige had really wanted to call her, but he had been so busy every day and in the evenings he had studied sign language. Something told him in the back of his mind to not tell her that though. She would easily make the connection to Koyama and much to his dismay, she didn’t like his best friend in the least.
“I am sorry.” Shige said subdued.
“You better…Look, I waited for over one month for you to call me. One month! Did you even realize that we haven’t talked for such a long time? Did you even miss me?”
“Of course, I did.”
“Why didn’t you call then?”
“I was very busy.”
He could see the hurt in her eyes and he felt awful. He was such an awful boyfriend and an awful best friend on top of that.
“You were so busy that you couldn’t even have written a small text with a few words like ‘How are you?’ or ‘It’s been a while. Why not call each other?’? You were that busy?”
“I…no…”
“This doesn’t work. I am sorry, but I can’t date someone like you any longer. I want to feel loved and you obviously can’t do that.”
”I guess so, you deserve someone better.”
“You couldn’t have at least at the end say ‘Don’t leave me.’ after half year of dating, could you?” She scoffed as he tried to form a sentence in his mind that somehow could make this a little bit less awful.
“Whatever. Good luck with you career and Koyama.” With that she turned and threw the door shut behind her.
“Thanks.” He mumbled at the closed door. How did she know Koyama and he had a fight? Koyama. He pulled out his phone to call the other to ask to go drinking together, when he remembered the other wouldn’t speak with him.
While the other never refused to meet up even if they fought, he couldn’t bear to have a mute Koyama by his side tonight. And because drinking alone looked pitiful in a club, he raided his own fridge and drank one beer after another, till he felt comfortably buzzed and he used his practiced sign language to tell his TV, it sucked.
He giggled. By now, he was really confident with his sign language and could even understand what people said that were mute on the Internet in videos. Insulting his TV was a piece of cake!
He giggled again as he said in sign language ‘dumb-37-inch-big-idiot-screen’. Because really, that was damn funny.
The next morning he woke up in his own drool and he wrinkled his nose. He was surely looking so not idol-like. A shower sounded like his only saving grace, since he would have to meet the rest of NEWS in one and a half hour. He was having a terrible hangover and gulped an enormous amount of water down along with a pain killer after he was done showering. Moreover, he brushed his teeth twice. When he looked in the mirror he pulled a face. The others would be able to tell, but when he realized that there would be no Koyama fretting over him, he felt like returning to bed straight away and stay there till everything was okay again.
Sometimes he hated his mind for being so terribly logical, because it immediately told him that it was bullshit and that nothing would change if he didn’t do it himself. Not that not going to work was an option either way. Their manager would come personally and strangle him. Nothing he wanted to experience again.
So he accepted his fate and decided along the way, that he was not going to ask a girl out for a while. To be more particular, till he had learned to treat girls right. He had a grave future ahead of himself, Shige thought grimly.
Like the past days, he got greeted by Tegoshi, who pounced on him. The other had started a project that was called: Making up for the lacking member-ai!
“Ew, you stink!” Tegoshi still had to practice a little to get to the member-ai right.
“Thank you.” He said dryly and shook the other off.
“Did you bath in alcohol?” Sadly, Tegoshi wasn’t someone you shook off and got left alone by.
“No, who does shit like that?”
“You don’t want to know.” The youngest of their group grinned at him broadly and he really didn’t want to know.
“You are right, I don’t.”
With that he simply turned his back on Tegoshi and stuffed his earphones in his ears. Making clear, he wanted to be left alone. Comfortably, he sat down on a chair and closed his eyes. Even though he was rather fluent in sign language now, he was in no mood to deal with his and Koyama’s fight. So, he ignored the other.
When their manager called them for dance practice, he stood up.
His moves were rather robotic as he danced and what he hated the most was that he made barely mistakes, not like usually when he gave his all. Didn’t that suck?
He followed instruction after instruction and stood there as other members got scolded for their mistakes. It was an experience to see others get scold. Though, not as enjoyable as he had always thought. Maybe he wasn’t sadistic enough.
“You are no fun today.” Tegoshi popped up next to him and he only nodded.
“Whoa, it somehow pisses me off that you are so indifferent.”
“Hm…”
”Earth to Shige-chan? Are you even in there?” Tegoshi poked his side.
“I am your senpai; don’t call me Shige-chan.”
“Well, at least there is still some Shige in that body.”
”Very funny.”
“Okay, I have decided! You are going to come with me.”
”No.”
One could say ‘no’ as much as one wanted, Tegoshi would get always what he wanted. If it were not Tegoshi’s puppy eyes that won, it was being shoved in the elevator by the younger one and not let go again. Tegoshi better not make him bruise.
Shige wasn’t all that surprised to find himself in a bar, but it was rather unusual for him to be there with only Tegoshi. Normally, Koyama was always there as well.
He wondered whether Tegoshi was going for the subtle method or not beat around the bush.
“So, Koyashige is having a marriage crisis?”
So much about being subtle.
“Tegomass is going for a second honeymoon?”
“Uhm well, Massu wants to go to Hawaii and I to Okinawa. So we are not sure yet.” Tegoshi said jokingly.
“Why not go to Sweden again?”
“Well, that would be romantic, of course. No seriously now, do I have to make you drunk or are you going to spill what the problem is without alcohol in your blood?”
He mumbled under his breath some gibberish and hoped they could just talk about something else.
“Bartender, something strong, please.” Tegoshi ordered.
Shige knew that he was a worse drunk than Koyama and that definitely meant something. He felt some sadistic glee at the thought of Tegoshi having to handle him later on.
Soon he held a glass with an alcoholic liquid in his hands and figured that he was drinking way too much these days. His band member urged the burning liquid down his throat through. Some more glasses and he felt rather muddleheaded. The stuff was strong.
“So…Massu told me Koyama stopped talking to you? He only uses sign language.”
“I…can…do…it.”
”Do what?” Tegoshi asked causally and took a sip of his drink.
“Talk.”
“Well, that’s arguable. Didn’t your answers get quite short?
“Ssshut up.”
“Very eloquent, I have to say.”
“I can talk in sign lalala…lalalan….lllll…” Language was a way more difficult word than it usually seemed.
Tegoshi looked at him with a ‘Ha?’ look but eventually realisation dawned on him.
“You learned sign language for Koyama? How sweet.”
“Ssshut up.”
“Right.”
“Its jusssst…that…I…I…wanto undersssssssssstand.”
“You want to be able to understand Koyama?” Tegoshi tried to make sure.
“Yes, sir!”
“Has anyone ever told you that you are a bad drunk?”
“Yes, sir!” He tried to salute, but he missed his head with his hand by a mile.
“Okay.”
“Bartender-chan! One more please~”
“You are getting creepy, Shige.”
”I want to get drunk~ Liffffffffffe ssssssssucks sooooooo you gotta drink a whooooooollllle lololololololot. Hahahahaha…dancing in tha seeeeeecret~”
“I might consider to never make you drunk again.”
Shige put his pinky against his cheek and made the ‘Chankapana’-pose with a smile so broad, all his teeth could be seen.
“Okay, so life sucks?” Tegoshi tried to prod him.
“Girlfriend gone. Keii-chan gone. Happiness goneeeeeee. Liffffffffffffffe sucky-sucks~”
“You broke up with your girlfriend?”
”Sshe diiiid.”
“Oh well, that sucks indeed.”
Shige laid his head on the table.
“Sshe thhhh…thinksssss I…I’m gaaay for Keiiiiiiiii.” He got a laughing fit and splashed some of his drink over his fingers he clutched in his fist. “I am…in…intellll…intellli…gent, when drunk~ I fiiiigured it ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!”
“Are you gay for Koyama?” Tegoshi asked and looked cautiously at him.
“Keii-chan~ I rabu-rabu u!”
“Shhh!” Tegoshi shushed him and looked around alarmed.
“Rabu-rabu~”
“God Shige, we are in public.”
Tegoshi got a giggle in return.
“But what about your ex-girlfriend? Didn’t you love her?”
“Keii-chan~ rabu-rabu!”
“Okay…”
Shige lifted his head enough off the table to drink but Tegoshi plucked the glass out of his fingers.
“Teeeego meeeeany!”
“You’ve got enough.”
“Keii-chan rabu-rabu!”
“It’s okay, I got it.”
“Keii-chan~ I missssss uuuuuuuuuu!”
“Shige...”
“Keii-rabu-rabu~”
When he looked up through heavy eyelids, he saw Tegoshi look down at him sympathetically.
“You really need him, don’t you?”
“Keii…” Shige said pitifully and Tegoshi shook his head in disbelieve.
Tegoshi fished out his phone while Shige was sliding slowly down his chair.
“Koyama? Where are you?”
“I am at home, Tegoshi. What is it?”
“I need you to pick someone up.”
“Who?”
“…Shige.”
“No and you know why.”
“Yes, I know the two of you are fighting, but Shige is drunk and…”
“You let him drink alcohol? Are you crazy? His tolerance is low.”
”I have found that out now, too. I can’t handle him anymore.”
“Tegoshi, I really…”
”Look, I am not someone who enjoys love confessions that are not for me and Shige is gushing one after another.”
“I guess he loves his girlfriend.”
“Move your ass over here and hear your own confession. We are in the usual bar.”
“Te…”
But Tegoshi didn’t let Koyama answer and ended the call. He had done enough for these two dorks. With a sigh, he dragged Shige back on the chair and paid for their drinks.
“I am going to leave you here. You can wait for your princess or prince, whatever suits you, without me.”
”Noooooo...”
“Don’t give me trouble and be a good guy.”
Shige lunged at Tegoshi and clung to his arm for dear life.
“Noooooo…”
“Shige really…”
“Dumb-37-inch-big-idiot-screen!”
“What…the…fuck?”
Shige got shook off furiously and Tegoshi glared at him.
“Be a good boy, you hear me?”
“Keii~”
”I am too sane for this.” Tegoshi rubbed his temple.
Tegoshi felt guilty when turning around and walking towards the door, but he knew Koyama well enough. The other would be here as fast as humanly possible and he just didn’t know what to do anymore. This was a Shige he didn’t know how to handle. As he reached the door it opened and Koyama almost ran him over.
“Tegoshi?”
“Hey Koyama.”
“Were you leaving?”
“Well, I knew you were on your way, so…”
“How could you? Who knows what could have happened to Shige? He could have gotten mugged, killed, raped…oh my god, Shige!”
“Cool down. Rather than lecturing me, you should check whether he is still lying on the table or already under it. I just really don’t know what to do with him anymore.”
Koyama sighed and nodded.
“We’ll talk about responsibility tomorrow.”
Tegoshi pulled a face but nodded.
Shige felt some tugging at his arm and grumbled.
“I can’t believe you are really lying under the table...” A distinctly familiar voice muttered. He scrunched up his face. He knew that voice.
As he recognized it, he shot up and jumped towards those hands that were tugging at him. In no time he was engulfed in warmth and familiarity.
“Keii-chan~ rabu-rabu u.” Shige clung to the warm body he knew belonged to Koyama.
“Shige, how drunk are you?”
“Rabu u~”
Koyama sighed and gently pushed him away.
“Noooooo, wanna my Keii-chan~!”
“We need to leave here. Come on, Shige.”
Koyama pulled him out from under the table and as Shige swayed dangerously, somehow hoisted him on his back. He was only too glad to cling to those broad delicious shoulders.
The other walked them slowly out of the bar while people whispered around them.
“Keii isssss givin Shiiiiige a piiiiiiggyback riiiiiiiiide.”
“I guess I am.”
“Rabu-rabu u~”
There was a non-comical noise and the other kept walking. Shige squinted at the neck in front of his nose and when he was sure that this really was a neck and Koyama’s on top of that, he latched his lips onto the warm skin.
“Shige!” Koyama screeched and he pulled away to giggle delighted.
“Rabu-rabu u. Shalala lalala Keiiii-chan~ ‘Shalala lalala, I will sing for you, the one I love
Shalala lalala, I'll sing out until the tambourine breaks.’” His singing was rather clear because he had switched into idol-mood for it.
“Shige, you idiot.”
After some walking, Koyama loaded him into his car and he leaned his head against the window.
“You could at least put your seatbelt on yourself.” Koyama grumbled and there was some tugging over his shoulder. Shige made a kissy face and was surprised when his lips actually made contact with something warm.
With a lot of effort, he fought his eyes open to find out he was kissing Koyama’s jaw, who had leaned over to him to put on his seatbelt.
“Smellsssssss niiiice.” With that he stuck his nose to Koyama’s cheek.
“I don’t know what to do with you anymore.” Koyama pulled back hurriedly after fastening his belt.
“Kisss me, is all siiimple.”
“Yeah right.” Koyama said dryly and Shige banged his head against the window again.
~°~
Someone was throwing a basketball repeatedly against his head while someone else danced tap dance on his forehead.
“Oh fuck.” Shige grumbled and shielded his eyes against the bright light that was shining through his eyelids.
This day already sucked before it even started.
“My head…” What did he do wrong to deserve this? Slowly, he blinked his eyes but even before they were properly open, he wished he didn’t. Nevertheless, he forced them open and looked around.
They stopped at the figure sitting next to him in the armchair. Koyama silently looked at him before lifting a cup to his lips and taking a sip.
“Keii…”
Shige ragged his brain as to why he was here because further examination made him come to the conclusion that he was lying on Koyama’s couch in the latter’s living room.
“Why am I here?”
Koyama put his cup down to free his hands. There it came. But because his head felt like it was going to burst any second, he needed some minutes to understand what Koyama was saying.
I can’t believe you forgot what happened last night. Idiot.
He tried to keep a neutral face since he wanted to know what else Koyama was going to say with his hands he couldn’t say to him aloud.
“Huh?” He therefore said intelligently.
You kissed me, idiot and now you totally forgot about it. That damn hurts.
Shige swallowed but still didn’t give Koyama a sign that he understood. The scenes from last night flashbacked in his mind. He indeed had kissed Koyama, not on the mouth, but he did.
I want to stop loving you.
That sentence hit him so hard that he gasped and Koyama’s eyes widened shocked.
“No.” Koyama mumbled and that single word carried so much desperation that it made his stomach churn because he knew he was the reason for it.
“Keii…”
”Since when…” Koyama seemed to be paralyzed.
“I learned sign language to finally understand you. I am sorry for not telling you, but I wanted to know what was going on.” Carefully, Shige sat up and looked seriously at Koyama.
“But…”
”I missed you so much.” Shige muttered in a silent voice because he figured honesty was needed right now.
Koyama made a strangled noise and Shige hurried to throw himself at the other because if Koyama started to cry, he wouldn’t stop any time soon again.
It was not only Koyama that clung to him since he had missed the other so much that he had no intentions of letting go either.
“I…thought you…would be…disgusted when I confessed to you.” Koyama hiccupped into his shoulder.
Shige frowned and tried to listen to his heart and mind, but for once those two agreed and all there was, was Koyama.
“You damn idiot can be happy that I am already too used to you to care and miss you too much for my own good.” Shige mumbled and hoped that his hidden confession got through.
“Shige, you are really not the most romantic, are you?”
“It’s way easier to write it than to actually do it!”
Koyama laughed amused at that and since they were still wrapped up into each other he shook along.
“Wait.” The other’s laughing stopped abruptly. “Your girlfriend…”
“My girlfriend thinks I am gay for my best friend and left me. Maybe she was right.” The last words where barely audible mumbled into Koyama’s shoulder.
His words followed a long silence.
“Keii?”
“She made a big mistake.”
“She did?”
”Because I won’t let her have you back.” Koyama’s words made him get goose bumps.
“No?”
“No, now that my big secret is out anyway. I’ll make sure to wow you enough to clear the last doubts you are surely having.”
“You know me well.”
“I am not stupid, Shige.” Koyama said seriously and then smiled. “Breakfast?”
“If it’s light?”
“Sure, let’s go into the kitchen.”
He followed Koyama and now that he knew that there might be more between them than he would have ever dared to think about, he traced the lithe body of the other with his eyes shamelessly. It probably shouldn’t surprise him that he found the other extremely attractive. More so than his ex-girlfriend. Shige swallowed. Was he really ready to be gay? To live as a man, that found love and happiness with another man rather than a woman? No, certainly not, but Koyama was there and everything was acceptable when it involved the other.
“Do I have to officially come out?”
”Out of what?” Koyama asked distracted as he put some soup into a bowl.
“Out of the closet?”
“Oh…”
Uncomfortably, Shige moved from one foot to the other.
“Of course not. Tegoshi and Massu will probably figure it out eventually if you really decided to be with me, but no one else has to know if you don’t want to. It doesn’t matter to me if we stay silly best friends on the outside and at work.”
Shige hummed and got himself a glass of water.
“I guess that’s alright then.”
”Eh? Really?” Koyama turned around so fast towards him, some hot soup spilled over his fingers and the other cursed.
Shige shook his head at the other’s clumsiness and took the bowl out of his hand and guided the burned fingers to the cold water-jet of the sink.
“Someone has to watch over you after all.” He said and hoped his cheeks weren’t burning red.
“May I remind you that I piggybacked you yesterday and that you blacked out in the car?”
“I guess so.”
Shige smiled embarrassed and filled the second bowl and set both of them on the table.
They sat down and said their thanks for the food but before Shige started to eat, he remembered something.
“Why did you stop talking with me?”
“I was so confused and terribly jealous of your girlfriend. I couldn’t face you.”
“But why did you use sign language?”
“Iitai dake, Shige, iitai dake.“
Note: Iitai dake=I just want to say it
Author: yume16
Disclaimer: If the boys were mine they would be married. Obviously, they are not *duhhhhh*
Beta: blursakana
Pairing(s): Koyashige <3
Rating: PG_13
Genre: err...could be fluff mixed with some semi-angst
Warnings: Drunkness XD
Summary: Koyama stops speaking...verbally.
Author Notes: Isn't the title sickenly sweet? Please give this a chance though^^ It's somehow very dear to me.
Signs to my Heart
Having a fight with Koyama was never nice, and since the other had learned how to use sign language, it had become a real pain.
“Keii-chan!” Shige almost screamed at his best friend only to get a silent answer again! Whatever the other spoke with his hands, he didn’t understand.
It was so terribly frustrating.
Since Koyama had learned sign language the other didn’t have to speak with him verbally anymore when he had managed to piss him off. No, he used his hands while having a serious look on his face, knowing perfectly well, that Shige didn’t understand a word.
“Speak with me!” Shige grabbed the other’s hands and tried to prevent him from using them, but Koyama was strong and he got shook off easily.
When he put on his shoes, he was ready to strangle whoever had proposed to Koyama to learn the sign language for the 24h TV. He had spent a whole evening with talking to his mute friend that refused to say a word. At least verbally. Yes, he had been late at one of their nights when they wanted to go out, but he had explained it several times and even apologized, but no, it was not enough. Koyama refused to accept his apology. That was obvious by now.
This carried on for two weeks and even Massu noticed that something was terribly off. The other had pulled him aside after practice to ask him and when he explained, Massu had looked slightly amused by the situation. Though, he had tried to comfort him afterwards, telling him not to give up and that Koyama couldn’t stay mad at him forever, but now, he wasn’t all that sure that he wouldn’t.
Tired, he drove home and dropped on his couch in the living room. When he had left earlier today he had been determined to come home happy. Well, that didn’t really work out.
Why didn’t Koyama forgive him? It was not like he had been late on propose. Okay, it had snowed and the other had waited in the cold for him for half an hour. That must have really been awful, but his girlfriend had surprisingly showed up just as he had gotten ready. He couldn’t kick her out, could he? It had taken 20 minutes to get her to leave again. She had not been amused at all and told him that if he continued acting the way he was with Koyama, they should just get married.
Maybe it had been a little insensitive to point out to her that gay-marriages were not legally accepted in Japan and therefore they would never get married. It would probably have been wiser to reassure her. Well, he had always sucked at getting along with girls. Now that he thought about it, they hadn’t talked since then either.
Tiredly, he rubbed his face. Why did everything have to go wrong?
She was probably really mad by now because he hadn’t called and apologized, but he had totally forgotten about the matter the second Koyama had started with his sign language again. Usually, a heartfelt apology worked to get the other to speak with him again, but not this time and he didn’t know why.
Contemplating, he bit his lip. When Koyama refused to speak with him, then there was no other way but to learn that damn sign language as well to be able to understand what the other was telling him. It better not be just some insults.
Grumbling to himself, he got his laptop and first of all searched for sign language on the Internet. The more he read about it, the more he got amazed by Koyama. If the other wanted something, he really did it no matter how difficult it was. Well, he hoped he would have enough patience to learn it as well, but since he hated to be outdone, especially if it was something that required studying, he was set on learning it.
The following evenings he spent by fumbling with his hands and trying to remember the movements. Even though he was set on being able to understand Koyama from now on, he didn’t stop trying to get the other to talk to him. With as much success as before.
By now, he really felt like crying. He missed the other terribly and realized just how much time they actually spent with each other. The worst was though that he couldn’t go to him anymore when he needed comfort. There was no one else he had to share his sorrows with. His mother didn’t count.
He was reminded of that, when his girlfriend stood in front of his door with such a mad expression on her face, that he automatically took a step back. Shige had really wanted to call her, but he had been so busy every day and in the evenings he had studied sign language. Something told him in the back of his mind to not tell her that though. She would easily make the connection to Koyama and much to his dismay, she didn’t like his best friend in the least.
“I am sorry.” Shige said subdued.
“You better…Look, I waited for over one month for you to call me. One month! Did you even realize that we haven’t talked for such a long time? Did you even miss me?”
“Of course, I did.”
“Why didn’t you call then?”
“I was very busy.”
He could see the hurt in her eyes and he felt awful. He was such an awful boyfriend and an awful best friend on top of that.
“You were so busy that you couldn’t even have written a small text with a few words like ‘How are you?’ or ‘It’s been a while. Why not call each other?’? You were that busy?”
“I…no…”
“This doesn’t work. I am sorry, but I can’t date someone like you any longer. I want to feel loved and you obviously can’t do that.”
”I guess so, you deserve someone better.”
“You couldn’t have at least at the end say ‘Don’t leave me.’ after half year of dating, could you?” She scoffed as he tried to form a sentence in his mind that somehow could make this a little bit less awful.
“Whatever. Good luck with you career and Koyama.” With that she turned and threw the door shut behind her.
“Thanks.” He mumbled at the closed door. How did she know Koyama and he had a fight? Koyama. He pulled out his phone to call the other to ask to go drinking together, when he remembered the other wouldn’t speak with him.
While the other never refused to meet up even if they fought, he couldn’t bear to have a mute Koyama by his side tonight. And because drinking alone looked pitiful in a club, he raided his own fridge and drank one beer after another, till he felt comfortably buzzed and he used his practiced sign language to tell his TV, it sucked.
He giggled. By now, he was really confident with his sign language and could even understand what people said that were mute on the Internet in videos. Insulting his TV was a piece of cake!
He giggled again as he said in sign language ‘dumb-37-inch-big-idiot-screen’. Because really, that was damn funny.
The next morning he woke up in his own drool and he wrinkled his nose. He was surely looking so not idol-like. A shower sounded like his only saving grace, since he would have to meet the rest of NEWS in one and a half hour. He was having a terrible hangover and gulped an enormous amount of water down along with a pain killer after he was done showering. Moreover, he brushed his teeth twice. When he looked in the mirror he pulled a face. The others would be able to tell, but when he realized that there would be no Koyama fretting over him, he felt like returning to bed straight away and stay there till everything was okay again.
Sometimes he hated his mind for being so terribly logical, because it immediately told him that it was bullshit and that nothing would change if he didn’t do it himself. Not that not going to work was an option either way. Their manager would come personally and strangle him. Nothing he wanted to experience again.
So he accepted his fate and decided along the way, that he was not going to ask a girl out for a while. To be more particular, till he had learned to treat girls right. He had a grave future ahead of himself, Shige thought grimly.
Like the past days, he got greeted by Tegoshi, who pounced on him. The other had started a project that was called: Making up for the lacking member-ai!
“Ew, you stink!” Tegoshi still had to practice a little to get to the member-ai right.
“Thank you.” He said dryly and shook the other off.
“Did you bath in alcohol?” Sadly, Tegoshi wasn’t someone you shook off and got left alone by.
“No, who does shit like that?”
“You don’t want to know.” The youngest of their group grinned at him broadly and he really didn’t want to know.
“You are right, I don’t.”
With that he simply turned his back on Tegoshi and stuffed his earphones in his ears. Making clear, he wanted to be left alone. Comfortably, he sat down on a chair and closed his eyes. Even though he was rather fluent in sign language now, he was in no mood to deal with his and Koyama’s fight. So, he ignored the other.
When their manager called them for dance practice, he stood up.
His moves were rather robotic as he danced and what he hated the most was that he made barely mistakes, not like usually when he gave his all. Didn’t that suck?
He followed instruction after instruction and stood there as other members got scolded for their mistakes. It was an experience to see others get scold. Though, not as enjoyable as he had always thought. Maybe he wasn’t sadistic enough.
“You are no fun today.” Tegoshi popped up next to him and he only nodded.
“Whoa, it somehow pisses me off that you are so indifferent.”
“Hm…”
”Earth to Shige-chan? Are you even in there?” Tegoshi poked his side.
“I am your senpai; don’t call me Shige-chan.”
“Well, at least there is still some Shige in that body.”
”Very funny.”
“Okay, I have decided! You are going to come with me.”
”No.”
One could say ‘no’ as much as one wanted, Tegoshi would get always what he wanted. If it were not Tegoshi’s puppy eyes that won, it was being shoved in the elevator by the younger one and not let go again. Tegoshi better not make him bruise.
Shige wasn’t all that surprised to find himself in a bar, but it was rather unusual for him to be there with only Tegoshi. Normally, Koyama was always there as well.
He wondered whether Tegoshi was going for the subtle method or not beat around the bush.
“So, Koyashige is having a marriage crisis?”
So much about being subtle.
“Tegomass is going for a second honeymoon?”
“Uhm well, Massu wants to go to Hawaii and I to Okinawa. So we are not sure yet.” Tegoshi said jokingly.
“Why not go to Sweden again?”
“Well, that would be romantic, of course. No seriously now, do I have to make you drunk or are you going to spill what the problem is without alcohol in your blood?”
He mumbled under his breath some gibberish and hoped they could just talk about something else.
“Bartender, something strong, please.” Tegoshi ordered.
Shige knew that he was a worse drunk than Koyama and that definitely meant something. He felt some sadistic glee at the thought of Tegoshi having to handle him later on.
Soon he held a glass with an alcoholic liquid in his hands and figured that he was drinking way too much these days. His band member urged the burning liquid down his throat through. Some more glasses and he felt rather muddleheaded. The stuff was strong.
“So…Massu told me Koyama stopped talking to you? He only uses sign language.”
“I…can…do…it.”
”Do what?” Tegoshi asked causally and took a sip of his drink.
“Talk.”
“Well, that’s arguable. Didn’t your answers get quite short?
“Ssshut up.”
“Very eloquent, I have to say.”
“I can talk in sign lalala…lalalan….lllll…” Language was a way more difficult word than it usually seemed.
Tegoshi looked at him with a ‘Ha?’ look but eventually realisation dawned on him.
“You learned sign language for Koyama? How sweet.”
“Ssshut up.”
“Right.”
“Its jusssst…that…I…I…wanto undersssssssssstand.”
“You want to be able to understand Koyama?” Tegoshi tried to make sure.
“Yes, sir!”
“Has anyone ever told you that you are a bad drunk?”
“Yes, sir!” He tried to salute, but he missed his head with his hand by a mile.
“Okay.”
“Bartender-chan! One more please~”
“You are getting creepy, Shige.”
”I want to get drunk~ Liffffffffffe ssssssssucks sooooooo you gotta drink a whooooooollllle lololololololot. Hahahahaha…dancing in tha seeeeeecret~”
“I might consider to never make you drunk again.”
Shige put his pinky against his cheek and made the ‘Chankapana’-pose with a smile so broad, all his teeth could be seen.
“Okay, so life sucks?” Tegoshi tried to prod him.
“Girlfriend gone. Keii-chan gone. Happiness goneeeeeee. Liffffffffffffffe sucky-sucks~”
“You broke up with your girlfriend?”
”Sshe diiiid.”
“Oh well, that sucks indeed.”
Shige laid his head on the table.
“Sshe thhhh…thinksssss I…I’m gaaay for Keiiiiiiiii.” He got a laughing fit and splashed some of his drink over his fingers he clutched in his fist. “I am…in…intellll…intellli…gent, when drunk~ I fiiiigured it ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!”
“Are you gay for Koyama?” Tegoshi asked and looked cautiously at him.
“Keii-chan~ I rabu-rabu u!”
“Shhh!” Tegoshi shushed him and looked around alarmed.
“Rabu-rabu~”
“God Shige, we are in public.”
Tegoshi got a giggle in return.
“But what about your ex-girlfriend? Didn’t you love her?”
“Keii-chan~ rabu-rabu!”
“Okay…”
Shige lifted his head enough off the table to drink but Tegoshi plucked the glass out of his fingers.
“Teeeego meeeeany!”
“You’ve got enough.”
“Keii-chan rabu-rabu!”
“It’s okay, I got it.”
“Keii-chan~ I missssss uuuuuuuuuu!”
“Shige...”
“Keii-rabu-rabu~”
When he looked up through heavy eyelids, he saw Tegoshi look down at him sympathetically.
“You really need him, don’t you?”
“Keii…” Shige said pitifully and Tegoshi shook his head in disbelieve.
Tegoshi fished out his phone while Shige was sliding slowly down his chair.
“Koyama? Where are you?”
“I am at home, Tegoshi. What is it?”
“I need you to pick someone up.”
“Who?”
“…Shige.”
“No and you know why.”
“Yes, I know the two of you are fighting, but Shige is drunk and…”
“You let him drink alcohol? Are you crazy? His tolerance is low.”
”I have found that out now, too. I can’t handle him anymore.”
“Tegoshi, I really…”
”Look, I am not someone who enjoys love confessions that are not for me and Shige is gushing one after another.”
“I guess he loves his girlfriend.”
“Move your ass over here and hear your own confession. We are in the usual bar.”
“Te…”
But Tegoshi didn’t let Koyama answer and ended the call. He had done enough for these two dorks. With a sigh, he dragged Shige back on the chair and paid for their drinks.
“I am going to leave you here. You can wait for your princess or prince, whatever suits you, without me.”
”Noooooo...”
“Don’t give me trouble and be a good guy.”
Shige lunged at Tegoshi and clung to his arm for dear life.
“Noooooo…”
“Shige really…”
“Dumb-37-inch-big-idiot-screen!”
“What…the…fuck?”
Shige got shook off furiously and Tegoshi glared at him.
“Be a good boy, you hear me?”
“Keii~”
”I am too sane for this.” Tegoshi rubbed his temple.
Tegoshi felt guilty when turning around and walking towards the door, but he knew Koyama well enough. The other would be here as fast as humanly possible and he just didn’t know what to do anymore. This was a Shige he didn’t know how to handle. As he reached the door it opened and Koyama almost ran him over.
“Tegoshi?”
“Hey Koyama.”
“Were you leaving?”
“Well, I knew you were on your way, so…”
“How could you? Who knows what could have happened to Shige? He could have gotten mugged, killed, raped…oh my god, Shige!”
“Cool down. Rather than lecturing me, you should check whether he is still lying on the table or already under it. I just really don’t know what to do with him anymore.”
Koyama sighed and nodded.
“We’ll talk about responsibility tomorrow.”
Tegoshi pulled a face but nodded.
Shige felt some tugging at his arm and grumbled.
“I can’t believe you are really lying under the table...” A distinctly familiar voice muttered. He scrunched up his face. He knew that voice.
As he recognized it, he shot up and jumped towards those hands that were tugging at him. In no time he was engulfed in warmth and familiarity.
“Keii-chan~ rabu-rabu u.” Shige clung to the warm body he knew belonged to Koyama.
“Shige, how drunk are you?”
“Rabu u~”
Koyama sighed and gently pushed him away.
“Noooooo, wanna my Keii-chan~!”
“We need to leave here. Come on, Shige.”
Koyama pulled him out from under the table and as Shige swayed dangerously, somehow hoisted him on his back. He was only too glad to cling to those broad delicious shoulders.
The other walked them slowly out of the bar while people whispered around them.
“Keii isssss givin Shiiiiige a piiiiiiggyback riiiiiiiiide.”
“I guess I am.”
“Rabu-rabu u~”
There was a non-comical noise and the other kept walking. Shige squinted at the neck in front of his nose and when he was sure that this really was a neck and Koyama’s on top of that, he latched his lips onto the warm skin.
“Shige!” Koyama screeched and he pulled away to giggle delighted.
“Rabu-rabu u. Shalala lalala Keiiii-chan~ ‘Shalala lalala, I will sing for you, the one I love
Shalala lalala, I'll sing out until the tambourine breaks.’” His singing was rather clear because he had switched into idol-mood for it.
“Shige, you idiot.”
After some walking, Koyama loaded him into his car and he leaned his head against the window.
“You could at least put your seatbelt on yourself.” Koyama grumbled and there was some tugging over his shoulder. Shige made a kissy face and was surprised when his lips actually made contact with something warm.
With a lot of effort, he fought his eyes open to find out he was kissing Koyama’s jaw, who had leaned over to him to put on his seatbelt.
“Smellsssssss niiiice.” With that he stuck his nose to Koyama’s cheek.
“I don’t know what to do with you anymore.” Koyama pulled back hurriedly after fastening his belt.
“Kisss me, is all siiimple.”
“Yeah right.” Koyama said dryly and Shige banged his head against the window again.
~°~
Someone was throwing a basketball repeatedly against his head while someone else danced tap dance on his forehead.
“Oh fuck.” Shige grumbled and shielded his eyes against the bright light that was shining through his eyelids.
This day already sucked before it even started.
“My head…” What did he do wrong to deserve this? Slowly, he blinked his eyes but even before they were properly open, he wished he didn’t. Nevertheless, he forced them open and looked around.
They stopped at the figure sitting next to him in the armchair. Koyama silently looked at him before lifting a cup to his lips and taking a sip.
“Keii…”
Shige ragged his brain as to why he was here because further examination made him come to the conclusion that he was lying on Koyama’s couch in the latter’s living room.
“Why am I here?”
Koyama put his cup down to free his hands. There it came. But because his head felt like it was going to burst any second, he needed some minutes to understand what Koyama was saying.
I can’t believe you forgot what happened last night. Idiot.
He tried to keep a neutral face since he wanted to know what else Koyama was going to say with his hands he couldn’t say to him aloud.
“Huh?” He therefore said intelligently.
You kissed me, idiot and now you totally forgot about it. That damn hurts.
Shige swallowed but still didn’t give Koyama a sign that he understood. The scenes from last night flashbacked in his mind. He indeed had kissed Koyama, not on the mouth, but he did.
I want to stop loving you.
That sentence hit him so hard that he gasped and Koyama’s eyes widened shocked.
“No.” Koyama mumbled and that single word carried so much desperation that it made his stomach churn because he knew he was the reason for it.
“Keii…”
”Since when…” Koyama seemed to be paralyzed.
“I learned sign language to finally understand you. I am sorry for not telling you, but I wanted to know what was going on.” Carefully, Shige sat up and looked seriously at Koyama.
“But…”
”I missed you so much.” Shige muttered in a silent voice because he figured honesty was needed right now.
Koyama made a strangled noise and Shige hurried to throw himself at the other because if Koyama started to cry, he wouldn’t stop any time soon again.
It was not only Koyama that clung to him since he had missed the other so much that he had no intentions of letting go either.
“I…thought you…would be…disgusted when I confessed to you.” Koyama hiccupped into his shoulder.
Shige frowned and tried to listen to his heart and mind, but for once those two agreed and all there was, was Koyama.
“You damn idiot can be happy that I am already too used to you to care and miss you too much for my own good.” Shige mumbled and hoped that his hidden confession got through.
“Shige, you are really not the most romantic, are you?”
“It’s way easier to write it than to actually do it!”
Koyama laughed amused at that and since they were still wrapped up into each other he shook along.
“Wait.” The other’s laughing stopped abruptly. “Your girlfriend…”
“My girlfriend thinks I am gay for my best friend and left me. Maybe she was right.” The last words where barely audible mumbled into Koyama’s shoulder.
His words followed a long silence.
“Keii?”
“She made a big mistake.”
“She did?”
”Because I won’t let her have you back.” Koyama’s words made him get goose bumps.
“No?”
“No, now that my big secret is out anyway. I’ll make sure to wow you enough to clear the last doubts you are surely having.”
“You know me well.”
“I am not stupid, Shige.” Koyama said seriously and then smiled. “Breakfast?”
“If it’s light?”
“Sure, let’s go into the kitchen.”
He followed Koyama and now that he knew that there might be more between them than he would have ever dared to think about, he traced the lithe body of the other with his eyes shamelessly. It probably shouldn’t surprise him that he found the other extremely attractive. More so than his ex-girlfriend. Shige swallowed. Was he really ready to be gay? To live as a man, that found love and happiness with another man rather than a woman? No, certainly not, but Koyama was there and everything was acceptable when it involved the other.
“Do I have to officially come out?”
”Out of what?” Koyama asked distracted as he put some soup into a bowl.
“Out of the closet?”
“Oh…”
Uncomfortably, Shige moved from one foot to the other.
“Of course not. Tegoshi and Massu will probably figure it out eventually if you really decided to be with me, but no one else has to know if you don’t want to. It doesn’t matter to me if we stay silly best friends on the outside and at work.”
Shige hummed and got himself a glass of water.
“I guess that’s alright then.”
”Eh? Really?” Koyama turned around so fast towards him, some hot soup spilled over his fingers and the other cursed.
Shige shook his head at the other’s clumsiness and took the bowl out of his hand and guided the burned fingers to the cold water-jet of the sink.
“Someone has to watch over you after all.” He said and hoped his cheeks weren’t burning red.
“May I remind you that I piggybacked you yesterday and that you blacked out in the car?”
“I guess so.”
Shige smiled embarrassed and filled the second bowl and set both of them on the table.
They sat down and said their thanks for the food but before Shige started to eat, he remembered something.
“Why did you stop talking with me?”
“I was so confused and terribly jealous of your girlfriend. I couldn’t face you.”
“But why did you use sign language?”
“Iitai dake, Shige, iitai dake.“
Note: Iitai dake=I just want to say it