fanfic: Lost Heart

[yume16]

Title: Lost Heart *Chapter 8*
Author: yume16
Beta: blursakana
Disclaimer: Only the plot is mine.
Pairing(s): Ryopi
Genre: AU (!)
Warnings: Language
Rating: -Chapter: PG-13
             - Complete Fanfic: NC-17 (I guess)
Summary: Tomohisa is seriously not interested in love.
Author Notes: I am truly sorry! I can't believe I took that long. I wanted to give you a double release, but Ryo hijacked the plot of the next chapter and I still need to hunt him down. As in, I have written half of the other chapter, but I got stuck and don't want to make you wait any longer. I'll try to finish it soon.



Chapter 8
Tomohisa's body melted against Ryo's and Ryo was shocked by the strong reaction his heart showed. It beat faster in his chest than he would have anticipated. Of course, he knew that Tomohisa had become dear to him, but his heart told him it was way more than that.
Ryo wasn't stupid though. He knew why Tomohisa was kissing him. It was because of Akito. So he would be a good friend and act along.
He wrapped his arm around Tomohisa's waist and moved a hand into his nape. With his thumb, he caressed Tomohisa's jaw gently and he pulled the other slightly closer to his body so that there was no space left.
When the other slightly opened his mouth, Ryo carefully dipped his tongue inside. Tomohisa tasted nice. He really liked to kiss the other. It made the familiar butterflies buzz inside him and with each lick of Tomohisa's tongue against his, he felt more comfortable.
Eventually, they had to pull apart even though he had tried to draw it out. Who knew if he would ever get the chance to kiss Tomohisa again?
The other's cheeks were slightly flushed as they parted and Tomohisa looked at him with curious eyes. Ryo's heart thumped happily and following an instinct, Ryo brushed some of the other's hair behind his ears.
Tomohisa tilted his head into his touch and Ryo smiled.
There was an uncomfortable cough.
"Oh sorry, as you know I tend to forget my surroundings."
How Ryo wished Tomohisa really could forget all about Akito.
Akito looked very sourly at them.

"How delighting to see you are not such a prude anymore. You are lucky, Nishikido-kun." It sounded nothing like a congratulation.
"I wouldn't say I am lucky, but rather just very talented." Who said he couldn't be a smug bastard? As Akito's forced smile turned even more sour, Ryo danced a little victory dance inside.
"Will you still be here tomorrow?" Sato asked interested and cuddled up to Akito's side.
"Yes." Tomohisa answered and balled his hands to fists.
"How great! I would love to chat with you some more. Why don't we have dinner together tomorrow evening?"
Ryo felt panic rising.
Tomohisa had finally started to enjoy their travelling and he felt that if he had to face Akito's lover for a whole evening, it would put them back to square one.
"We are actually here to work and very busy." Ryo said in his most confident voice and stood as tall as he could. Sadly, Akito was still more than a head taller than him.
"Oh, you work together?" A smirk spread over Akito's lips and there was some understanding in his eyes.
"The best romances are work romances." Ryo said and wiped away the smug smirk.
"But it would be so nice to chat a little." Sato kept pressing. Tomohisa smiled wryly.
 "There isn't all that much we can talk about I believe." Tomohisa said.
"I am sure we will find something. It is set then. Let's meet here at the same place at 6pm." Sato said and before they could refuse, Sato had dragged Akito away and they had left.
Mutely, they stood next to each other.

Ryo was boiling inside.  Akito had turned out to be worse than he had ever imagined. He couldn't understand why Tomohisa had spoken kindly of the other at all. It was as clear as daylight, that Akito didn't deserve it.
"Well, I guess you met Akito now." Tomohisa failed at an awkward laugh and kneaded his hands nervously.
"Yeah, and he was one of the biggest assholes I ever met." Ryo said. He was still slightly shocked.
"Nishikido!"
Nothing could have prepared Ryo for the shock as Tomohisa frowned at him.
"Yeah well excuse me! What am I supposed to say? 'Oh what a great ex you have. I have never met anyone kinder than that.' Something like that? Would you have preferred it if I had lied into your face?"
"You don't understand."
"Yes, you are right! I don't. I really don't understand how you can still cover for a man that insulted you like that."
"As an outsider you shouldn't judge the situation."
Ryo stood unmoving for several seconds. Yes okay, Tomohisa and he didn't know each other for a long time and they weren't friends for long since their first encounter hadn't been the best, but he had thought that well, that he counted.
"I am sorry for being an outsider." He said briskly. How interesting that Tomohisa acted with outsiders like he was their lover.
"What is this now?" Tomohisa glared.
"Nothing."
"It doesn't seem like nothing to me."
"Well, I guess you are right. It is not nothing, but apparently as an outsider I am not good enough to judge what a fucking asshole your ex-lover is. A damn asshole you still protect despite him trying to humiliate you as good as he could."
"What's your problem?" Tomohisa hissed at his angry reply.
"It's pathetic how you cling to this man."
"I don't cling to him at all! I am finished with that love."
"Oh really?" Ryo laughed coldly. "If you were really finished with that love you wouldn't still care what other people think about him. Moreover, you wanted to prove yourself to him as you kissed me. Isn't that right?"
"Oh, the kiss. Is that your problem?"
"Why would it? It wasn't even a special kiss that would be worth remembering." Ryo crossed his arms angrily.
"Well, then why are we having this conversation then?" Tomohisa crossed his arms as well.
"Why do I even bother? Seriously, this is a waste of time." Ryo scoffed and then left Tomohisa where he stood. Angrily, he trudged to his room and let himself fall onto his futon.

Staring at the ceiling, he sighed. He seriously couldn't believe Tomohisa. This Akito guy was a nightmare. How long could it have been since they broke up? And now the other had already a new lover.
Sato and Akito fitted together perfectly if you asked him. Both had something mean and sly about them. It was hard to believe that Tomohisa was supposed to have belonged into that mix.
He sighed again and then frowned. Had he been too harsh though? Tomohisa insisted that he didn't understand. What had really happened in that relationship? Was there a reason Tomohisa was covering for the other? But still, it was hard to believe why someone like Tomohisa would love such a man.
Ryo thought back to their kiss. Despite of what he had said to Tomohisa, it was a memorable kiss. It had showed Ryo he could still love. If Akito hadn't coughed it would have been a wonderful experience and who knew? Maybe they would have had a pleasant evening with each other.
He had acted wrongly. Ryo admitted that now. Akito might be an awful man, but he still didn't know what happened in their relationship.
Why had he become that mad anyway?
The kiss had been nice. Nevertheless, it had left an unpleasant aftertaste. He knew Tomohisa had used him to spit Akito and friends were there to help, but still...
Ryo groaned. Why, oh why, did he have to care about this so much? Though, he admitted to himself the question was stupid.
Since their kiss, he knew exactly why he cared. He loved Tomohisa. It might be still a fresh and small love, but it was already enough to make him boil.
Moreover, he had noticed that Akito was quite the opposite of him. Tall with light hair and a playful style of clothing. Therefore, Ryo wasn't Tomohisa's type at all. Short, dark and grumpy, that's how he had to look after his outburst earlier.
Ryo rolled on his tummy and sighed into the pillow. He hated to admit it, but he had been jealous and that was likely the reason why he had reacted so strongly to Tomohisa protecting the other. It had hurt him and his freshly developed feelings.
He should go and apologize to Tomohisa. He should say that the other had been right and he shouldn't judge the situation. Then he should say that he had no right to call Akito an ass when he had acted like one himself.
Tomohisa had to be terribly confused and have mixed feelings. As a friend, he shouldn't add to the trouble and rather comfort him and tell him everything was going to be okay.
Standing up, Ryo went to search his work mate.

Gently, he knocked against Tomohisa's door, but there was no reply.
"Tomo, I want to apologize. Please open the door if you are there."
There was still no reply and Ryo frowned. Was the other not there? After knocking for another time and waiting five more minutes, he decided he had to search somewhere else.
After he had searched the whole house and his foot was seriously protesting, he stepped outside and breathed in the fresh night air. It felt really good and if he wasn't that worried about his friend, he would sit down for a while and enjoy it.
Ryo bit his bottom lip. What if Tomohisa was really angry and had left? What if something stupid happened to the other because he was too angry to properly pay attention? He really hated fears like that.
He walked around the house till he found a lone figure sit on a stone.
Hurriedly, he limped over to him and was really relieved as he recognized Tomohisa's features.
"Tomo."
The other turned his head. His eyes were red, but he wasn't crying.
Ryo walked the last few steps towards him and wrapped his arms around the other's body.
"I am sorry. I acted like an ass when you needed a friend." He said into his neck.
Tomohisa didn't react for a while till he slowly moved and wrapped his arms around him as well.
"It's okay. I wasn't in the right either."
They held on to each other tightly and savoured the warmth the other was willing to offer.

"Sit with me?" Tomohisa asked as they moved apart. Together they settled down on the stone and Tomohisa sighed.
"You can't understand the situation because I never told you."
"It's not like you have to." Ryo said. He watched Tomohisa's profile and saw the other frown.
"I guess I don't have to, but I feel like I should. Maybe then you will understand."
Ryo bit his bottom lip. That situation was tough. On the one hand he felt like he had to tell Tomohisa that he didn't have to say anything at all, but on the other hand he was dying to know.
Cowardly, he kept his mouth shut.

"Sex." Tomohisa said after long minutes of silence.
Ryo hadn't expected an answer anymore and looked startled at the younger one.
"Sex?" He asked finally.
"Our relationship fell apart because of sex." Tomohisa smiled sadly at him.
Ryo wasn't sure what to say, but he couldn't help but think that real love couldn't be torn apart by sex alone. Was that too naive?
"Oh." He only said.
"I was acting very stupid and unreasonable. Even now, I don't know why I acted that way and well, it is my fault the relationship didn't work out."
"Did he want something you didn't want?" Ryo asked carefully. He felt like he was moving on a mine field.
Tomohisa laughed, though it wasn't happy.
"One could say that, yes, I didn't want something."
"But still; to break a relationship off just because of that."
Tomohisa shook his head.
"It wasn't just something I didn't want. It wasn't like his ideas were too extreme or like he was asking something unreasonable of me."
Ryo looked confused at the other.
"I didn't want to have sex with him." Tomohisa finally said and lowered his head. "Not at all, I mean."
"Well, isn't it okay to need time for something like that? You only dated for half a year, am I correct? And if it is your first time, then..."
"It's not." Tomohisa interrupted him. "I am not a virgin. I don't have that excuse."
Ryo looked at the other thoughtfully. If he understood this correctly, than Tomohisa felt guilty because he had never slept with Akito and thought this had to be the reason the other got tired of him.
"It is not your fault if you don't want to have sex with someone." Ryo finally said, but Tomohisa didn't lift his head.
"If the trust isn't there, then it isn't there. That was the problem, wasn't it? You weren't comfortable?" Ryo continued.
"There are people that meet once and have immediately sex."
"So? Are all people the same? Moreover, a relationship is different than a one-night stand. You have to look at each other the next morning. If a one-night stand doesn't work out, who cares? You are never going to see the person again, but in a relationship you have to face such things."
Tomohisa sighed.
"I just wish I had done it."
"And then? You would have done something you don't want to only to please him and later on you would have found out what a dick he is. You should be glad you didn't do as he wanted."
"I wonder."
"My perceptive of him didn't change through you telling me of this. I still think he is the idiot."
"If you had a relationship with someone for as long as half a year and that person still felt uncomfortable with you. How would you feel? Wouldn't you be frustrated?"
Ryo pondered it while Tomohisa looked carefully at him.
"I guess so, but there is also no doubt that I would have to face the fact there has to be a reason for it. Moreover, that maybe I am the reason. Just breaking up is cowardly."
"You can say that because you are not in the situation."
"Maybe, but you are giving me too much credit. I am not confident enough to not doubt myself."  Ryo smiled his shy half smile and Tomohisa was reminded of the fact, just how different Ryo and Akito really were. He wasn't sure why he noticed that yet of all moments, but they hardly had any in common.
"It isn't your fault the relationship broke apart. He obviously picks his lover by the face if his new lover is any indication. In your case it was unlucky, because you actually have a character. You can't be sad about that."

That at least made Tomohisa grin slightly.
"Are you complimenting me?"
"I am just pointing out the truth." Ryo looked even more embarrassed and Tomohisa playfully bumped his shoulder.
"You are actually a shy guy, aren't you? Not the overly confident guy you first showed to me."
"Hm." Ryo played with hands. "Being shy is so damn uncool."
"It is not like one gets a special prize for being cool."
Ryo rolled his eyes at him.

Tomohisa sighed and looked at the grass in front of their feet. He felt better now that he had told Ryo everything.  At least there wouldn't be any misunderstandings between them anymore and it felt kind of good to have been told it wasn't his fault they broke up, though it was hard to believe for him.
"What do we do tomorrow?" He finally asked and Ryo frowned. "I wonder why Sato-san even wants to meet me. I wouldn't want the ex-lover of my lover to meet my current lover."
"Sato must be a very curious guy. He probably wants to know who his rival is."
"Did you miss the part where I said it was over? How can I be his rival?"
"Akito must have mentioned you. You should always know your enemy. Tomorrow, will probably be nasty."
"We don't have to go, do we?"
"No, they probably only want to rub it in anyway."
"But I will look cowardly not showing up. I don't like that."
"Does it matter that much?" Ryo asked him and Tomohisa pondered the question. He didn't have the intention to ever hook up with Akito again and therefore it didn't matter what the other thought of him, right? But he didn't want to be the loser either.
"I don't want to be the one to go out of this as the loser." Tomohisa admitted.
"Understandable, you are the one who got hurt after all." Ryo looked at Tomohisa with soft eyes and the other sighed. Why hadn't Akito been a little bit more like Ryo? Then everything would have turned out differently.
"It is not like I have many options, do I?" He could either go or not go.
"Well, there is something we can do." Ryo said thoughtfully and Tomohisa lifted a questioning eyebrow. "It depends on you though."
"What are you talking about? You are making me suspicious."
"We could go there and keep the act up." Ryo didn't meet his eyes as he said it. Tomohisa bit his bottom lip. He knew that would mean being lovey-dovey and really close. It wasn't like he was uncomfortable with Ryo, but rather that he was too comfortable with Ryo. Was it really a good idea to act a whole evening as a couple if he wanted to keep his distance? He had mixed feelings about Ryo and before he had made sure those mixed feelings were nothing special, not that he expected them to be special, he should probably keep a safe distant.
"We don't have to. I was just thinking." Ryo must have felt his hesitation.
"I wonder whether we should." Tomohisa said carefully. He couldn't really tell Ryo the real reason he was hesitating. Only imagining Akito's sour face as he leant against Ryo would give him some satisfaction for not being the one humiliated, but despite that there was the kiss with Ryo that stood between them.
His heart had fluttered.
Unforgivable.
Where had gone his resolution?
"Can I sleep a night over it?"
"Sure." Ryo smiled and they kept causally sitting next to each other.

They had stopped talking, but Tomohisa had to admit he really liked it. In the state his mind was in, sleeping sounded like a utopia. Like this, he at least wasn't alone.
"If I was one of those awesome guys, I would now try to explain the constellations to you. Sadly, I don't even know what the big dipper looks like."
Tomohisa had to smile at Ryo's words.
"This is the big dipper." He pointed up to the sky. "Those four stars in a rectangle belong to it and those other three stars forming the handle belong to it, too."
"You mean with that really bright star?" Ryo asked curiously.
"That belongs to the Little Dipper and that bright star is the polar star. You do know what the polar star is, don't you?"
Ryo looked at him sourly.
"I might not be the brightest head, but I do know that."
Tomohisa giggled.
"You are such an idiot." Ryo shoved him for that, but he managed to stay on the stone.
When Ryo tried to shove him again, he quickly stood up and Ryo flailed his arms.
Ryo glared at him and Tomohisa smiled back sweetly.
"I will go to bed, see you tomorrow."
"Good night." Ryo answered and Tomohisa left with a wave.
He needed some time to think about what to do about the meeting with Sato and Akito and that without having Ryo next to him. He couldn't think clearly like that.

Ryo kept sitting on the stone long even after Tomohisa had left.
"Am I doing the right thing? What do you think Miu? Do you have an answer for me?" He asked while looking at the polar star Tomohisa had pointed out to him. The polar star was supposed to guide people who were lost. Would it guide him, too?
Ryo shook his head at himself. He was way past the age where he could hope for someone to guide him.

Tomohisa rolled around while trying to come to a conclusion for tomorrow. He wanted to see Akito's sour face, but wasn't it childish? Moreover, later he would only feel guilty again and it wasn't like it was Akito's fault he had fallen out of love with him and in love with Sato. He wanted to at least have that much dignity. Sato surely wasn't as stuck up as he was. It would be better for him as well if he didn't act with Ryo as if they were lovers. He still wasn't quite sure how he felt about the other.
So wouldn't it be better if they didn't go and just did something that was enjoyable for them both?
Content with his decision, Tomohisa closed his eyes and relaxed enough to be able to sleep.
In the morning, he went over to Ryo's room right after showering. He would have to tell the other about his decision before he decided to change it again. Hopefully, Ryo was already awake. Tentatively, Tomohisa knocked at the other's door.
"Yes?" A distant voice called and a few seconds later the door opened. Tomohisa swallowed.
"Tomo?" Ryo asked surprised and his lips tugged into the familiar half-smile he tended to give him.
 "I can come back later?" Tomohisa said while forcing his eyes to stay glued to Ryo's face and to not stray downwards to the dripping wet, muscular chest. How could Ryo open the door in just a towel for God's sake? He was only just a man as well. And a gay man on top of that. Tomohisa inwardly groaned. Why couldn't Ryo be fat and ugly and not look like every possible wet teenager fantasy he ever had when he was younger?
"Just come in. I am almost done." Ryo shooed him inside and Tomohisa entered gingerly. How could he even? A few weeks ago he had broken up with his boyfriend for half a year and here he was ogling at a half naked Nishikido Ryo. So much about his resolution to never fall in love again. Tomohisa slapped himself inwardly. Sexual attraction was one thing, love a whole different matter. Right.
"I guess you wanted to talk about Akito and what we should do?" Ryo asked and went back into the bathroom, but of course without closing the door.
"Sadist..." Tomohisa mumbled and kneeled down at the small table to not get tempted to do something very indecent. "I figured we should let the revenge be. It is childish and will not make me happy for long." He said loud enough for the other to hear and picked up the book that was lying on the table. A crime story?
"Okay, you have a point with it being childish and what is the use if you are unhappy afterwards. So we don't make an appearance at all?
"We are here to do work after all. They can't expect us to have that much free time." Tomohisa said. It was not like he had any obligations. Turning around the book, he read the cover text. It sounded like a very intense and thrilling story. Nothing for his confused mind. As he put it down, a little picture slipped out of the pages.
Tomohisa frowned as he looked at the young and beautiful woman.
"Who is that?" He asked himself.
"What do you think you are doing!" A loud voice thundered.
Shocked, Tomohisa lifted his head and looked at a Ryo he had never seen before. The other was towering over him with his eyes having formed to slits.  There was nothing warm in those eyes. All of the sudden, the amiable work companion had disappeared and transformed into someone unfamiliar. Ryo's eyebrows looked like thunderclouds and his lips were pulled into a thin line.
"I just picked up the book and..." Tomohisa tried to explain, but the words died on this tongue. What did he do wrong?
Ryo leant down and snatched the picture out of his fingers.
"Don't just search through stuff that isn't yours." Ryo pronounced each word and to Tomohisa it felt like a slap in the face. He didn't intent to search through anything, but before he could say another word Ryo stormed out of the room and left him alone.
Tomohisa pressed his hands into his lap and lowered his head. What did he do so terrible? It was an accident the picture fell out. He had just been curious about the book. Swallowing, he tried to bit back the unwelcomed feelings that were threatening to well up. He wasn't the kind of person that searched through drawers and bags.
Bitterly, he acknowledged that he had grown close enough to Ryo that something like this really hurt him. The words had cut through him sharply and still stung.
Ryo had no right to treat him like that. It had not been on propose and the other hadn't even given him the chance to explain himself.
Tomohisa straightened himself. He deserved an apology and he would offer one for himself. Not sure what to say, only knowing that they had to talk, he opened the door and stepped out of Ryo's room.