Fanfic: Lost Heart
Title: Lost Heart *Chapter 9*
Author: yume16
Beta: blursakana
Disclaimer: Only the plot is mine.
Pairing(s): Ryopi
Genre: AU (!)
Warnings: Language
Rating: -Chapter: PG-13
- Complete Fanfic: NC-17 (I guess)
Summary: Tomohisa is seriously not interested in love.
Author Notes: I took very long again and I am not even satisfied with this chapter, but after I struggled so much with it, it is strangely dear to me. Does that make sense?
Chapter 9
Ryo had no right to treat him like that. It had not been on propose and the other hadn't even given him the chance to explain himself.
Tomohisa straightened himself. He deserved an apology and he would offer one for himself. Not sure what to say, only knowing that they had to talk, he opened the door and stepped out of Ryo's room.
Surprised, he stopped in his tracks. Ryo was leaning just next to the door against the wall. There was an empty look in the other's eyes.
Tomohisa squared his shoulders.
"You have no right to talk to me like that. I picked the book up to read the back of the cover to figure out whether I might like it. Besides, it was lying openly on the table. If you didn't want me to pick it up, I am sorry, but I didn't mean to sneak around and I didn't search for the picture. It fell out." His speech followed a long silence, till Ryo's lips curled into a sad grimace.
"I overreacted, didn't I?" The other finally said in a low voice.
Tomohisa nodded and felt somewhat relieved. They wouldn't be fighting anymore, would they? Ryo looked so saddened, he couldn't even stay mad at the other for being so unfair to him.
"How about you eat breakfast now and I will go take a short walk?" Ryo asked and Tomohisa frowned.
"Okay." He finally said and Ryo nodded before leaving.
Slightly incredulous, Tomohisa stared after his work mate. He couldn’t understand at all what was going on. Who was that beautiful woman? She wasn't Ryo's sister or she would have been there on the birthday of Ryo's niece. A girlfriend? He swallowed and left to eat his breakfast. But if she was Ryo's girlfriend, why hadn't he met her yet? Why would Ryo hide her?
It wasn't making any sense to him, but he wished he knew what was going on.
Tomohisa ate his breakfast slowly. Again and again, his eyes hushed to the door in the hope that Ryo would enter the room. The other didn't.
Ryo had said he would take a short walk, didn't he? Only as long as Tomohisa would take to eat his breakfast, but he was done and the other hadn't appeared yet. The other's utterly odd behaviour was starting to make him worry.
Nervously, Tomohisa tapped his fingers on his thighs and wondered about what he should do now. They had work to do today. Then he remembered the other's foot and hoped he wasn't exerting himself too much.
Not being able to sit still any longer, he prepared to leave and left the hotel.
He didn't have to go far and he was truly relieved as he saw Ryo walk towards him.
"You took a while. I got worried."
"Sorry about that." Ryo smiled meekly. "Can you wait ten more minutes? I'll get my stuff from my room."
"Okay."
Ryo returned in less than ten minutes and they left together.
"I asked some of the locals. There seems to be a really great hot spring. We should check it out. I also discovered some old houses and other places we could add to our list."
"Did you eat breakfast?" Tomohisa ignored Ryo's talk about work. How could the other do all that when obviously something was wrong?
"I bought something earlier. Are you okay with that plan?"
It seemed Ryo wasn't going to talk with him about their fight. Feeling defeated, Tomohisa nodded and hoped that the other was going to become his usual self soon. There was suddenly a listlessness to the other he didn't like. He preferred Ryo being silly and laughing with him, maybe even when he was a pain in the ass.
To Tomohisa's regret, the other's mood didn't lift at all. Following wherever the other guided him and taking his pictures, the morning passed and they ate a quick lunch before setting out to search for the hot spring that had been recommended to Ryo.
Only when they reached it and Ryo rubbed his ankle did Tomohisa remembered about Ryo’s injury. He felt so guilty he almost kicked himself.
"We should have taken things slower. Your injury will only heal slower if we power through our trip like that."
"It is fine." Ryo said and entered the hot spring they had stopped in front of. "This is the right one."
Tomohisa grimaced. If they kept this up, then the rest of their trip was going to suck royally. Though, maybe the hot water would relax Ryo so that he could approach the topic of this morning again. Maybe it was not his place to stick his nose into matters, but if Ryo was that unhappy then he had to do something. Moreover, wasn't it kind of paradox to get told to not stick his nose into matters that didn't concern him? Ryo had done it all the time.
Tomohisa figured he would attack when Ryo suspected it the least. Silently, they took off their clothes, cleaned themselves and sunk into the warm water. He spied out of the corner of his eyes and saw Ryo frown.
"You are ugly with a frown."
The other looked at him and his frown deepened.
"But you are not without it." That was as much as a compliment as Tomohisa had ever made to Ryo's appearance.
"Am I? I am short and dark."
Tomohisa blinked. Did he understand this correctly? Was Nishikido Ryo the ever confident, playful, flirty hotshot having complexes?
"What?" He asked bluntly.
Ryo grimaced and stared into the water.
Tomohisa watched the other's profile and wondered not for the first time what the life the other had lead so far was like. His partner was without a doubt utterly handsome and if he may think so, incredibly hot. He let his eyes trail over the other's face, neck collarbone and what he could see of his chest above the water. If he was interested in a relationship in the least, Ryo would be his target. It had taken a lot of willpower to never let his eyes stray towards the other as he had gotten naked. Thankfully, he wasn't ready for it or their situation could have turned awkward.
It was about time to find out what kind of life Ryo lead. Maybe he would even figure something out about this morning in a roundabout way.
"So, you never told me what you usually do. I mean when you don't work. Hobbies and such." Tomohisa said in a conversationally tone of voice and deliberately didn't look at Ryo.
"You are trying to ask about her, aren't you?" Ryo asked numbly.
"Her?" Tomohisa said and tried to play for time. Ryo really wasn't in the mood for small talk it seemed.
"The woman in the picture you found."
Tomohisa bit the tip of his tongue in his mouth. He didn't like lying.
"I am utterly curious about her, but I really wonder how you live."
"I read a lot and watch TV if I am free."
"Oh."
It followed a long silence and Tomohisa felt like tearing his hair out. The water was nice and he liked the atmosphere. The pool looked like it was purely out of stones and there was absolute silence except for some water splashing. It was nice, but he couldn't enjoy it.
"She was wonderful." Ryo suddenly said with a small smile on his lips.
Tomohisa swallowed. Why was there suddenly a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach?
"Her name was Miu and we were dating for a long time." Ryo said and moved the tips of his fingers over the water to create some waves.
"Do you still love her?" Tomohisa asked and wished he didn't. What was that for a question? Shouldn't he ask what had happened, how they had met, or what she had been like?
"Sometimes I wonder about that." Ryo smiled sadly and Tomohisa didn't know how to react to the pain he was seeing in the other's face. It weren't only the eyes, no, it was the whole face. Even body, if the clenching hands were something to go by.
"I am sorry."
"Don't be. I always keep a picture of her in the book I am currently reading. I should change that habit. It has been over two years now."
"Two years?"
"An accident. Remember that day you were shoved on the street and a car almost hit you? She died similar to that. She walked over a street and a car came too fast around the corner. No one could save her. I wasn't there."
"Do you think you could have saved her if you had been there?"
"I don't think so." Ryo answered and bit his bottom lip till it turned white.
"Then don't blame yourself."
Ryo looked at him startled as if no one had ever said that to him.
"It is hard. I had promised her to always look out for her."
"Isn't that normal? But she was a grown woman, was she not?"
"You don't understand. She was special."
Tomohisa frowned. He didn't understand indeed.
"She was a grown woman and she could take care of herself, too. It is just that I always wanted to be there for her. We went to high school together and she got misunderstood a lot. People thought she was cold or weird. Not joining in with the others, instead sitting alone and drawing one masterpiece after another. She was very talented in arts."
"Was she shy?"
"Autism."
Tomohisa's mouth fell open surprised.
"That was my reaction, too, when I met her parents for the first time and they warned me. She had problems to get socially involved and at first I thought it was just shyness, too. In reality though, it was autism. It was difficult sometimes. Often, I couldn't tell how she really felt." Ryo said and leaned back in the water. There was a deep crease between his eyes.
"It was hard getting her to spent time with me, but I managed and we became a couple. She hated changes, but then again, the biggest change happened when she left."
"I am sorry."
"It is okay now."
"Is that why you took a break in your job?"
"The year right after her death, I worked for long hours, but then I just couldn't do anything properly anymore and my family talked me into taking a break. I only could enjoy such a luxury since my boss is very fond of me and we have known each other for a long time."
"A lot of things make sense to me now. Like why your flat was so colourless."
"She loved to decorate. I couldn't keep all her stuff around me. It was suffocating."
"Why did you flirt with me when we first met?" Tomohisa knew all this had to be incredible difficult for Ryo, but that was something that really confused him.
"I felt inferior to you. Everything about you screamed terrible break-up and despite your red-rimmed eyes you were obviously very beautiful. I have only ever been with one woman and our relationship had been a very careful one."
A very careful one? Tomohisa wasn't sure what that meant, but he wasn't sure how far he could go so he didn't ask.
A silence settled between them and Ryo scrutinized him.
"It is always like that." Ryo finally said and sighed.
"What?" Tomohisa asked puzzled. He knew he wasn't the most eloquent person, but what was one supposed to say in a situation like this?
"You shouldn't think I am the poor lover left broken-hearted. That's not true." Ryo seemed to be frustrated with himself and ranked his fingers through his hair roughly.
"But..." Tomohisa started and then frowned. Nothing was making sense to him anymore.
"In a relationship, it can happen that you reach a point where you have nothing to say to each other anymore and you feel like if you stay together, you are going to tear each other apart. We had reached that point one year before the accident, but stayed together anyway. Not a day passed, were we didn't fight. We reached a point where we couldn't stand being in the same room and every attempt of overcoming those differences we had, ended in new tears and hurtful words."
Tomohisa swallowed.
"I don't know why we didn't let go of each other. It was such a nightmare and Miu kept not coming home after work for long hours. We avoided each other. If we had broken up, she could have been at home with her new boyfriend that night and not crossed that damn street."
"It is the guilt, isn't it?" Tomohisa asked in a low voice. "The guilt of having endangered a person you once loved above all and the consequences."
Ryo tensed so much that Tomohisa wondered whether his muscles would snap.
"Life is beyond control. Who says that if you had broken up, Miu-san wouldn't have been held back by work, had walked along another street and a motorcycle ran her over. I don't know whether things in life are fated or happen by chance, but I know that incidents happen in our lives we can't control nor can we undo them. Maybe it is even conceited to belief things that happened are our fault. You didn't try to actively kill her after all."
"Your view has changed rather dramatically, hasn't it? Just yesterday, you believed it had been your entire fault that your relationship with Akito didn't work out."
"Yes, and I thought a lot about what you said and now I know that everything that happens in our life has an after-effect. Whether it is a good one or a bed one, we have to live with it. I met Akito and have to live with it. I have met you and that is going to lead me somewhere. What has happened is unchangeable, so getting hung up on the past is probably the most useless thing one can do. Nothing will happen because of it. If we want something to happen, something good, then we have to make it happen."
Ryo bit his bottom lip till it was almost completely white.
"Could you do something for me?"
"If I can, of course." Tomohisa answered and Ryo nodded.
"Could you turn your back to me and bear my touch for a while?"
Tomohisa was a little uncertain what that would mean, but he slowly turned his back to Ryo. There was another movement in the water and then he felt Ryo lean against him. The other had buried his face in his nape and his partner's arms were floating a little awkwardly at his waist. It was almost like Ryo didn't dare to hug him.
A little uncertain, Tomohisa took Ryo's hands and folded them over his own torso.
For a long time, he could only hear Ryo's irregular breathing. Eventually, the other pressed closer against him and Tomohisa was quite certain he was crying. He wasn't sure how much he was allowed to intrude, but he placed his hands over Ryo's and waited. It took a while and Tomohisa was already worrying because they were too long in the hot water as Ryo moved slightly.
"Sorry."
"It was about time you let that out."
"It was impossible. Her parents thought I was the only one that understood their pain. I am so superficial."
"If you didn't still love her, you wouldn't have felt that guilty. You wanted to be there for her parents. Why would you want to do that if they weren't important to you? Stop being black and white. Just because you weren't lovey-dovey doesn't mean it wasn't love you two felt. If there had been nothing between you, you would have broken up easily."
"Do you mean being used to each other is also some kind of love?" Ryo asked and Tomohisa had to suppress a shudder because of the other's breath at his neck.
"Maybe not the one being described in poems and Hollywood movies, but yes, I think so."
"It is difficult to define."
"If love was easy to describe many authors wouldn't have much to do."
"Thank you."
"It's okay, but maybe we should get out of the water." Tomohisa proposed since neither of them needed for the other to get lightheaded. Ryo nodded and moved to get out. A little awkward, Tomohisa turned his head away to not stare as Ryo seemed to feel no shame. Was he even aware of flashing himself to a homosexual man? Maybe he was used to being together with men that weren't interested in each other. He followed the other and they both got towels to dry themselves.
"Do you believe fate exists?" Ryo asked and turned around to him while drying his hair with the towel. Tomohisa made the mistake of looking up and was faced with a full view of the other's front.
"It scares me to believe fate exists, but it also scares me to think it doesn't." Tomohisa said while turning away. "Either we aren't free to make our own decisions or we are all alone with everything we do."
"Or maybe it is a mix of both." Ryo proposed and Tomohisa pondered that.
"Yes, maybe you are right." It was certainly easier to think like that.
The awkwardness from earlier when Tomohisa had found out about Miu, was slowly decreasing and Ryo was starting to look less tense.
Ryo watched the profile of his new friend as they made their way to a restaurant where they could eat dinner. It had never felt right to share with anyone the guilt Miu's death had brought. It was selfish and disgusting, but Tomohisa had accepted those ugly feelings and even tried to comfort him. Now, he only felt sadness over her loss and that was exactly how it was supposed to be.
"Maybe I should buy a frame." Ryo mused out loud.
"A frame?"
"I shouldn't shamefully hide her between pages of a book. She was a part of my life for a long time. It is okay to look at her picture once in a while and remember her."
Tomohisa smiled slightly at him.
"I am sure, she would like that."
Since all shops were already closed, they went to eat dinner and Ryo felt his stomach growl in appreciation at the scent of delicious food that greeted them.
"So, we have talked quite a bit about me today. How do you feel having stood up Akito? We were supposed to meet him today at six."
Tomohisa looked at his watch and frowned. It was way past.
"Honestly? I don't feel anything much. I have thought all day about what you told me. Sometimes it truly helps to stop thinking about oneself."
Ryo smiled at that.
"Glad to have been of service."
The other's head snapped in his direction immediately.
"Don't misunderstand me. I take everything you said very seriously."
"Of course you do. So did I, when you told me your secrets." Ryo nudged the other's shoulder playful and Tomohisa relaxed next to him. "It can be something of a wake-up call to listen to others. It is something I enjoyed when I still did interviews as a reporter. I was often forced to consider new things and think into another direction."
"You should have warned me." Tomohisa complained. "If I had known you had all those reporter tactics down to perfection, I would have been more careful around you and not spilled my secrets that easily."
"Even more careful? Are you kidding me? I thought I would never touch your heart and become friends with you. I can reassure you. Your iron wall functions perfectly."
"Are you making fun of me?" Tomohisa frowned and Ryo couldn't suppress the loop-sided grin that stole its way on his lips for long.
"Isn't that what friends do? Tease each other?"
"I never said we were friends." Tomohisa said and sent him a serious look over his glass filled with beer.
Ryo's smile immediately slipped and he stared at the other shocked. A silence settled between them.
"Did I tease you too much just now?" Tomohisa finally said and the serious facade grumbled and Ryo was rewarded for his shock with a mischievous grin. Ryo needed another second before he caught himself.
"You are dangerous to play with, aren't you?" Ryo answered and still felt his heart beat painfully in his chest. Tomohisa's earlier words had almost catapulted it out of his throat.
"I might seem like a sweet guy overall, but while you tease me you should keep in mind I can kick ass, too."
Ryo pondered that and then grinned. He liked the new development. Tomohisa would be more on guard after his experience with Akito, but he seemed to enjoy himself. It would make it harder for arseholes to break his heart.
"Kick ass all you want. I will keep mine way out of your range."
"We will see." Tomohisa grinned and ordered another beer. Ryo kept nursing his first one, keeping well in mind the articles he still had to write tonight.
When they left, he had the suspicion that Tomohisa was lightly tipsy as they walked back to their hotel and the other kept joking, laughing and smiling. It was a nice sight and Ryo felt himself fully relax. Today had been a good day. Not only had he faced his own demons some, but his new friend seemed to feel truly happy and the other's mood was contagious.
They separated at their doors and Ryo felt motivated to write down his ideas even though he was a little tired. Only when he had set up his laptop and his notepad and a pencil, he noticed he had forgotten to ask Tomohisa for the pictures he had taken today.
Oh well, he hoped Tomohisa wouldn't feel bothered by him.
Ryo certainly didn't expect to be waved into the other's room by a giggling Tomohisa, who had trouble trying to muffle himself with his hand.
"What are you doing?"
"Shhh!" Tomohisa placed an index finger of his lips and waved him closer to the open window. His friend almost suffocated himself with his hand while tears from laughing were running down his cheeks.
"You are drunk." Ryo said and obviously more so than he had suspected. Nevertheless, he looked out of the window as Tomohisa wanted him to. There was nothing unusual. Some cicadas giving their all, trees, grass, the night sky and the moon.
The other gave him a sign to look down as he sent him a confused look over his shoulders.
Ryo frowned. Under their window was sitting a couple that seemed quite determined to figure out who could eat the other's face faster up with their kisses. That blond hair? Could it be Akito and his new lover?
Now he understood even less as before Tomohisa's obvious merriment.
The other picked up one of the cherries lying on the low table which had been given to them by the hotel staff as greeting gift, put one into his mouth and chewed.
Tomohisa swallowed and then pushed Ryo out of the way. Nothing could have prepared Ryo for Tomohisa's next actions as his friend stuck his head out and spit down. Ryo felt his moth had fallen open in utter awe and snapped it closed again.
"You didn't." He whispered and Tomohisa giggled anew. The other pulled him closer confiding.
"I spit the pit of the cherry out. I have already managed to get three in his hair." Tomohisa's warm breath caressed Ryo's ear and he had to suppress a shudder. He had always been sensitive there.
"That is not very grown up." Ryo told the other just as silently, but it only made Tomohisa giggle more.
"Yeah, but so much fun. Want to try?"
Ryo eyed the cherry the other held out to him and a smiled hushed over his lips. He might as well. Tomohisa seemed delighted as he joined his ploy and Ryo felt like he was ten again when he had stolen his sister's sweets and waited to get caught. They took turns and by now Ryo had stomach cramps from all the suppressed laughter as he was sitting with Tomohisa under the window. Their legs pulled up to their chests, their backs resting against the wall and their heads almost touching as they tried to keep silent.
Suddenly, there was a curse below them and they heard small little objects fall on stone. Their eyes met and the laughter bubbled up both their throats and Ryo had enough sense to close the window before it was too late. Tomohisa rolled around on the floor and the only possible thing to do was to join him.
The cramps in their stomach intensified and only when they were completely out of breath and the tears had stopped rolling down their cheeks, they calmed down and only their hard breathing could be heard.
"I feel good." Tomohisa suddenly said and Ryo almost groaned as his hurting cheeks stretched into a smile anew.
"Yeah, I feel good, too."
"What did you come here for though?"
"Your pictures."
"I'll give them to you." Tomohisa said, but neither moved as they enjoyed the afterglow of their joy and the feeling of childlike freedom.
Author: yume16
Beta: blursakana
Disclaimer: Only the plot is mine.
Pairing(s): Ryopi
Genre: AU (!)
Warnings: Language
Rating: -Chapter: PG-13
- Complete Fanfic: NC-17 (I guess)
Summary: Tomohisa is seriously not interested in love.
Author Notes: I took very long again and I am not even satisfied with this chapter, but after I struggled so much with it, it is strangely dear to me. Does that make sense?
Chapter 9
Ryo had no right to treat him like that. It had not been on propose and the other hadn't even given him the chance to explain himself.
Tomohisa straightened himself. He deserved an apology and he would offer one for himself. Not sure what to say, only knowing that they had to talk, he opened the door and stepped out of Ryo's room.
Surprised, he stopped in his tracks. Ryo was leaning just next to the door against the wall. There was an empty look in the other's eyes.
Tomohisa squared his shoulders.
"You have no right to talk to me like that. I picked the book up to read the back of the cover to figure out whether I might like it. Besides, it was lying openly on the table. If you didn't want me to pick it up, I am sorry, but I didn't mean to sneak around and I didn't search for the picture. It fell out." His speech followed a long silence, till Ryo's lips curled into a sad grimace.
"I overreacted, didn't I?" The other finally said in a low voice.
Tomohisa nodded and felt somewhat relieved. They wouldn't be fighting anymore, would they? Ryo looked so saddened, he couldn't even stay mad at the other for being so unfair to him.
"How about you eat breakfast now and I will go take a short walk?" Ryo asked and Tomohisa frowned.
"Okay." He finally said and Ryo nodded before leaving.
Slightly incredulous, Tomohisa stared after his work mate. He couldn’t understand at all what was going on. Who was that beautiful woman? She wasn't Ryo's sister or she would have been there on the birthday of Ryo's niece. A girlfriend? He swallowed and left to eat his breakfast. But if she was Ryo's girlfriend, why hadn't he met her yet? Why would Ryo hide her?
It wasn't making any sense to him, but he wished he knew what was going on.
Tomohisa ate his breakfast slowly. Again and again, his eyes hushed to the door in the hope that Ryo would enter the room. The other didn't.
Ryo had said he would take a short walk, didn't he? Only as long as Tomohisa would take to eat his breakfast, but he was done and the other hadn't appeared yet. The other's utterly odd behaviour was starting to make him worry.
Nervously, Tomohisa tapped his fingers on his thighs and wondered about what he should do now. They had work to do today. Then he remembered the other's foot and hoped he wasn't exerting himself too much.
Not being able to sit still any longer, he prepared to leave and left the hotel.
He didn't have to go far and he was truly relieved as he saw Ryo walk towards him.
"You took a while. I got worried."
"Sorry about that." Ryo smiled meekly. "Can you wait ten more minutes? I'll get my stuff from my room."
"Okay."
Ryo returned in less than ten minutes and they left together.
"I asked some of the locals. There seems to be a really great hot spring. We should check it out. I also discovered some old houses and other places we could add to our list."
"Did you eat breakfast?" Tomohisa ignored Ryo's talk about work. How could the other do all that when obviously something was wrong?
"I bought something earlier. Are you okay with that plan?"
It seemed Ryo wasn't going to talk with him about their fight. Feeling defeated, Tomohisa nodded and hoped that the other was going to become his usual self soon. There was suddenly a listlessness to the other he didn't like. He preferred Ryo being silly and laughing with him, maybe even when he was a pain in the ass.
To Tomohisa's regret, the other's mood didn't lift at all. Following wherever the other guided him and taking his pictures, the morning passed and they ate a quick lunch before setting out to search for the hot spring that had been recommended to Ryo.
Only when they reached it and Ryo rubbed his ankle did Tomohisa remembered about Ryo’s injury. He felt so guilty he almost kicked himself.
"We should have taken things slower. Your injury will only heal slower if we power through our trip like that."
"It is fine." Ryo said and entered the hot spring they had stopped in front of. "This is the right one."
Tomohisa grimaced. If they kept this up, then the rest of their trip was going to suck royally. Though, maybe the hot water would relax Ryo so that he could approach the topic of this morning again. Maybe it was not his place to stick his nose into matters, but if Ryo was that unhappy then he had to do something. Moreover, wasn't it kind of paradox to get told to not stick his nose into matters that didn't concern him? Ryo had done it all the time.
Tomohisa figured he would attack when Ryo suspected it the least. Silently, they took off their clothes, cleaned themselves and sunk into the warm water. He spied out of the corner of his eyes and saw Ryo frown.
"You are ugly with a frown."
The other looked at him and his frown deepened.
"But you are not without it." That was as much as a compliment as Tomohisa had ever made to Ryo's appearance.
"Am I? I am short and dark."
Tomohisa blinked. Did he understand this correctly? Was Nishikido Ryo the ever confident, playful, flirty hotshot having complexes?
"What?" He asked bluntly.
Ryo grimaced and stared into the water.
Tomohisa watched the other's profile and wondered not for the first time what the life the other had lead so far was like. His partner was without a doubt utterly handsome and if he may think so, incredibly hot. He let his eyes trail over the other's face, neck collarbone and what he could see of his chest above the water. If he was interested in a relationship in the least, Ryo would be his target. It had taken a lot of willpower to never let his eyes stray towards the other as he had gotten naked. Thankfully, he wasn't ready for it or their situation could have turned awkward.
It was about time to find out what kind of life Ryo lead. Maybe he would even figure something out about this morning in a roundabout way.
"So, you never told me what you usually do. I mean when you don't work. Hobbies and such." Tomohisa said in a conversationally tone of voice and deliberately didn't look at Ryo.
"You are trying to ask about her, aren't you?" Ryo asked numbly.
"Her?" Tomohisa said and tried to play for time. Ryo really wasn't in the mood for small talk it seemed.
"The woman in the picture you found."
Tomohisa bit the tip of his tongue in his mouth. He didn't like lying.
"I am utterly curious about her, but I really wonder how you live."
"I read a lot and watch TV if I am free."
"Oh."
It followed a long silence and Tomohisa felt like tearing his hair out. The water was nice and he liked the atmosphere. The pool looked like it was purely out of stones and there was absolute silence except for some water splashing. It was nice, but he couldn't enjoy it.
"She was wonderful." Ryo suddenly said with a small smile on his lips.
Tomohisa swallowed. Why was there suddenly a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach?
"Her name was Miu and we were dating for a long time." Ryo said and moved the tips of his fingers over the water to create some waves.
"Do you still love her?" Tomohisa asked and wished he didn't. What was that for a question? Shouldn't he ask what had happened, how they had met, or what she had been like?
"Sometimes I wonder about that." Ryo smiled sadly and Tomohisa didn't know how to react to the pain he was seeing in the other's face. It weren't only the eyes, no, it was the whole face. Even body, if the clenching hands were something to go by.
"I am sorry."
"Don't be. I always keep a picture of her in the book I am currently reading. I should change that habit. It has been over two years now."
"Two years?"
"An accident. Remember that day you were shoved on the street and a car almost hit you? She died similar to that. She walked over a street and a car came too fast around the corner. No one could save her. I wasn't there."
"Do you think you could have saved her if you had been there?"
"I don't think so." Ryo answered and bit his bottom lip till it turned white.
"Then don't blame yourself."
Ryo looked at him startled as if no one had ever said that to him.
"It is hard. I had promised her to always look out for her."
"Isn't that normal? But she was a grown woman, was she not?"
"You don't understand. She was special."
Tomohisa frowned. He didn't understand indeed.
"She was a grown woman and she could take care of herself, too. It is just that I always wanted to be there for her. We went to high school together and she got misunderstood a lot. People thought she was cold or weird. Not joining in with the others, instead sitting alone and drawing one masterpiece after another. She was very talented in arts."
"Was she shy?"
"Autism."
Tomohisa's mouth fell open surprised.
"That was my reaction, too, when I met her parents for the first time and they warned me. She had problems to get socially involved and at first I thought it was just shyness, too. In reality though, it was autism. It was difficult sometimes. Often, I couldn't tell how she really felt." Ryo said and leaned back in the water. There was a deep crease between his eyes.
"It was hard getting her to spent time with me, but I managed and we became a couple. She hated changes, but then again, the biggest change happened when she left."
"I am sorry."
"It is okay now."
"Is that why you took a break in your job?"
"The year right after her death, I worked for long hours, but then I just couldn't do anything properly anymore and my family talked me into taking a break. I only could enjoy such a luxury since my boss is very fond of me and we have known each other for a long time."
"A lot of things make sense to me now. Like why your flat was so colourless."
"She loved to decorate. I couldn't keep all her stuff around me. It was suffocating."
"Why did you flirt with me when we first met?" Tomohisa knew all this had to be incredible difficult for Ryo, but that was something that really confused him.
"I felt inferior to you. Everything about you screamed terrible break-up and despite your red-rimmed eyes you were obviously very beautiful. I have only ever been with one woman and our relationship had been a very careful one."
A very careful one? Tomohisa wasn't sure what that meant, but he wasn't sure how far he could go so he didn't ask.
A silence settled between them and Ryo scrutinized him.
"It is always like that." Ryo finally said and sighed.
"What?" Tomohisa asked puzzled. He knew he wasn't the most eloquent person, but what was one supposed to say in a situation like this?
"You shouldn't think I am the poor lover left broken-hearted. That's not true." Ryo seemed to be frustrated with himself and ranked his fingers through his hair roughly.
"But..." Tomohisa started and then frowned. Nothing was making sense to him anymore.
"In a relationship, it can happen that you reach a point where you have nothing to say to each other anymore and you feel like if you stay together, you are going to tear each other apart. We had reached that point one year before the accident, but stayed together anyway. Not a day passed, were we didn't fight. We reached a point where we couldn't stand being in the same room and every attempt of overcoming those differences we had, ended in new tears and hurtful words."
Tomohisa swallowed.
"I don't know why we didn't let go of each other. It was such a nightmare and Miu kept not coming home after work for long hours. We avoided each other. If we had broken up, she could have been at home with her new boyfriend that night and not crossed that damn street."
"It is the guilt, isn't it?" Tomohisa asked in a low voice. "The guilt of having endangered a person you once loved above all and the consequences."
Ryo tensed so much that Tomohisa wondered whether his muscles would snap.
"Life is beyond control. Who says that if you had broken up, Miu-san wouldn't have been held back by work, had walked along another street and a motorcycle ran her over. I don't know whether things in life are fated or happen by chance, but I know that incidents happen in our lives we can't control nor can we undo them. Maybe it is even conceited to belief things that happened are our fault. You didn't try to actively kill her after all."
"Your view has changed rather dramatically, hasn't it? Just yesterday, you believed it had been your entire fault that your relationship with Akito didn't work out."
"Yes, and I thought a lot about what you said and now I know that everything that happens in our life has an after-effect. Whether it is a good one or a bed one, we have to live with it. I met Akito and have to live with it. I have met you and that is going to lead me somewhere. What has happened is unchangeable, so getting hung up on the past is probably the most useless thing one can do. Nothing will happen because of it. If we want something to happen, something good, then we have to make it happen."
Ryo bit his bottom lip till it was almost completely white.
"Could you do something for me?"
"If I can, of course." Tomohisa answered and Ryo nodded.
"Could you turn your back to me and bear my touch for a while?"
Tomohisa was a little uncertain what that would mean, but he slowly turned his back to Ryo. There was another movement in the water and then he felt Ryo lean against him. The other had buried his face in his nape and his partner's arms were floating a little awkwardly at his waist. It was almost like Ryo didn't dare to hug him.
A little uncertain, Tomohisa took Ryo's hands and folded them over his own torso.
For a long time, he could only hear Ryo's irregular breathing. Eventually, the other pressed closer against him and Tomohisa was quite certain he was crying. He wasn't sure how much he was allowed to intrude, but he placed his hands over Ryo's and waited. It took a while and Tomohisa was already worrying because they were too long in the hot water as Ryo moved slightly.
"Sorry."
"It was about time you let that out."
"It was impossible. Her parents thought I was the only one that understood their pain. I am so superficial."
"If you didn't still love her, you wouldn't have felt that guilty. You wanted to be there for her parents. Why would you want to do that if they weren't important to you? Stop being black and white. Just because you weren't lovey-dovey doesn't mean it wasn't love you two felt. If there had been nothing between you, you would have broken up easily."
"Do you mean being used to each other is also some kind of love?" Ryo asked and Tomohisa had to suppress a shudder because of the other's breath at his neck.
"Maybe not the one being described in poems and Hollywood movies, but yes, I think so."
"It is difficult to define."
"If love was easy to describe many authors wouldn't have much to do."
"Thank you."
"It's okay, but maybe we should get out of the water." Tomohisa proposed since neither of them needed for the other to get lightheaded. Ryo nodded and moved to get out. A little awkward, Tomohisa turned his head away to not stare as Ryo seemed to feel no shame. Was he even aware of flashing himself to a homosexual man? Maybe he was used to being together with men that weren't interested in each other. He followed the other and they both got towels to dry themselves.
"Do you believe fate exists?" Ryo asked and turned around to him while drying his hair with the towel. Tomohisa made the mistake of looking up and was faced with a full view of the other's front.
"It scares me to believe fate exists, but it also scares me to think it doesn't." Tomohisa said while turning away. "Either we aren't free to make our own decisions or we are all alone with everything we do."
"Or maybe it is a mix of both." Ryo proposed and Tomohisa pondered that.
"Yes, maybe you are right." It was certainly easier to think like that.
The awkwardness from earlier when Tomohisa had found out about Miu, was slowly decreasing and Ryo was starting to look less tense.
Ryo watched the profile of his new friend as they made their way to a restaurant where they could eat dinner. It had never felt right to share with anyone the guilt Miu's death had brought. It was selfish and disgusting, but Tomohisa had accepted those ugly feelings and even tried to comfort him. Now, he only felt sadness over her loss and that was exactly how it was supposed to be.
"Maybe I should buy a frame." Ryo mused out loud.
"A frame?"
"I shouldn't shamefully hide her between pages of a book. She was a part of my life for a long time. It is okay to look at her picture once in a while and remember her."
Tomohisa smiled slightly at him.
"I am sure, she would like that."
Since all shops were already closed, they went to eat dinner and Ryo felt his stomach growl in appreciation at the scent of delicious food that greeted them.
"So, we have talked quite a bit about me today. How do you feel having stood up Akito? We were supposed to meet him today at six."
Tomohisa looked at his watch and frowned. It was way past.
"Honestly? I don't feel anything much. I have thought all day about what you told me. Sometimes it truly helps to stop thinking about oneself."
Ryo smiled at that.
"Glad to have been of service."
The other's head snapped in his direction immediately.
"Don't misunderstand me. I take everything you said very seriously."
"Of course you do. So did I, when you told me your secrets." Ryo nudged the other's shoulder playful and Tomohisa relaxed next to him. "It can be something of a wake-up call to listen to others. It is something I enjoyed when I still did interviews as a reporter. I was often forced to consider new things and think into another direction."
"You should have warned me." Tomohisa complained. "If I had known you had all those reporter tactics down to perfection, I would have been more careful around you and not spilled my secrets that easily."
"Even more careful? Are you kidding me? I thought I would never touch your heart and become friends with you. I can reassure you. Your iron wall functions perfectly."
"Are you making fun of me?" Tomohisa frowned and Ryo couldn't suppress the loop-sided grin that stole its way on his lips for long.
"Isn't that what friends do? Tease each other?"
"I never said we were friends." Tomohisa said and sent him a serious look over his glass filled with beer.
Ryo's smile immediately slipped and he stared at the other shocked. A silence settled between them.
"Did I tease you too much just now?" Tomohisa finally said and the serious facade grumbled and Ryo was rewarded for his shock with a mischievous grin. Ryo needed another second before he caught himself.
"You are dangerous to play with, aren't you?" Ryo answered and still felt his heart beat painfully in his chest. Tomohisa's earlier words had almost catapulted it out of his throat.
"I might seem like a sweet guy overall, but while you tease me you should keep in mind I can kick ass, too."
Ryo pondered that and then grinned. He liked the new development. Tomohisa would be more on guard after his experience with Akito, but he seemed to enjoy himself. It would make it harder for arseholes to break his heart.
"Kick ass all you want. I will keep mine way out of your range."
"We will see." Tomohisa grinned and ordered another beer. Ryo kept nursing his first one, keeping well in mind the articles he still had to write tonight.
When they left, he had the suspicion that Tomohisa was lightly tipsy as they walked back to their hotel and the other kept joking, laughing and smiling. It was a nice sight and Ryo felt himself fully relax. Today had been a good day. Not only had he faced his own demons some, but his new friend seemed to feel truly happy and the other's mood was contagious.
They separated at their doors and Ryo felt motivated to write down his ideas even though he was a little tired. Only when he had set up his laptop and his notepad and a pencil, he noticed he had forgotten to ask Tomohisa for the pictures he had taken today.
Oh well, he hoped Tomohisa wouldn't feel bothered by him.
Ryo certainly didn't expect to be waved into the other's room by a giggling Tomohisa, who had trouble trying to muffle himself with his hand.
"What are you doing?"
"Shhh!" Tomohisa placed an index finger of his lips and waved him closer to the open window. His friend almost suffocated himself with his hand while tears from laughing were running down his cheeks.
"You are drunk." Ryo said and obviously more so than he had suspected. Nevertheless, he looked out of the window as Tomohisa wanted him to. There was nothing unusual. Some cicadas giving their all, trees, grass, the night sky and the moon.
The other gave him a sign to look down as he sent him a confused look over his shoulders.
Ryo frowned. Under their window was sitting a couple that seemed quite determined to figure out who could eat the other's face faster up with their kisses. That blond hair? Could it be Akito and his new lover?
Now he understood even less as before Tomohisa's obvious merriment.
The other picked up one of the cherries lying on the low table which had been given to them by the hotel staff as greeting gift, put one into his mouth and chewed.
Tomohisa swallowed and then pushed Ryo out of the way. Nothing could have prepared Ryo for Tomohisa's next actions as his friend stuck his head out and spit down. Ryo felt his moth had fallen open in utter awe and snapped it closed again.
"You didn't." He whispered and Tomohisa giggled anew. The other pulled him closer confiding.
"I spit the pit of the cherry out. I have already managed to get three in his hair." Tomohisa's warm breath caressed Ryo's ear and he had to suppress a shudder. He had always been sensitive there.
"That is not very grown up." Ryo told the other just as silently, but it only made Tomohisa giggle more.
"Yeah, but so much fun. Want to try?"
Ryo eyed the cherry the other held out to him and a smiled hushed over his lips. He might as well. Tomohisa seemed delighted as he joined his ploy and Ryo felt like he was ten again when he had stolen his sister's sweets and waited to get caught. They took turns and by now Ryo had stomach cramps from all the suppressed laughter as he was sitting with Tomohisa under the window. Their legs pulled up to their chests, their backs resting against the wall and their heads almost touching as they tried to keep silent.
Suddenly, there was a curse below them and they heard small little objects fall on stone. Their eyes met and the laughter bubbled up both their throats and Ryo had enough sense to close the window before it was too late. Tomohisa rolled around on the floor and the only possible thing to do was to join him.
The cramps in their stomach intensified and only when they were completely out of breath and the tears had stopped rolling down their cheeks, they calmed down and only their hard breathing could be heard.
"I feel good." Tomohisa suddenly said and Ryo almost groaned as his hurting cheeks stretched into a smile anew.
"Yeah, I feel good, too."
"What did you come here for though?"
"Your pictures."
"I'll give them to you." Tomohisa said, but neither moved as they enjoyed the afterglow of their joy and the feeling of childlike freedom.