Yumegari's Closet
Yume: Hiyeeee! Yumegari here!
*It is, indeed, Yumegari, though, as the lights are pretty low, you can't see her too well. She does, however, seem to be wearing a lab coat over something shiny and has a pair of goggles pushed up onto her forehead.*
Yume: I was inspired to write this after a bit of silliness on the message board at www.purepilot.com. It reminded me of someone I used to know and the fictional characters she would enlist (or is that "draft") as her minions. I dun have minions. I have...
*dunt dunt daaaaa!*
Yume: TEST SUBJECTS!
Yume: Yessirree, let us now take a look into the closet of Yumegari's imagination. It's just through this huge, hideously complex laboratory. Oh, man, don't touch that! The last person who touched that got his hair fried instantly--from the inside out. That's not fun. Okay, careful stepping past that...
*CRASH! Tinkle tinkle BLORP....*
Yume: ...table.
Yume: Aw, crap, it's eating through the floor, hang on....
*sprinkles something powdery and green (because any laboratory chemical worth its molecules is green) onto the blob of bright blue stuff (because any OTHER laboratory chemical worth its molecules is a bright, impossible blue) that was eating through the floor with a rather disturbing munching sound.*
Yume: Eh heh. That stuff's still pretty unfinished. I wonder what it'll do now that it's had its first taste of linoleum. Mmmm. Delicious delicious linoleum.
Yume: Moving right along. Here's the closet at last.
*In the dim light can be seen a standard closet door upon which hangs a sign reading, TEST SUBJECTS*
*Yumegari opens the door, though anyone looking could have sworn she was using one right hand to do so and another right hand to pop a cookie in her mouth. Naaah, that's ridiculous.*
Yume: Here we are! Oh. Nobody's here, you say? Hm.
*The closet is tiny and has a broom in it. But definitely no test subjects.*
Yume: Ah, silly me. Hang on.
*Yumegari presses a button on the closet wall and the back of the closet slides open, revealing a huge room furnished with couches, a big-screen TV, surround sound, a balcony, and a few doors in the walls.*
*Still, there's no-one about. That is, until one looks behind the bar. There, calmly mixing drinks, mopping the bar, channel surfing, and conversing on the phone is a large, four-armed quasi-crustacean instantly recognisable to anyone who's ever seen Farscape.*
Yume: Hi, Pilot. How's every little thing? *she leans against he bar and grins at him.*
Pilot: *hangs up the phone and adopts a look of extreme patience* As well as can be expected.
Yume: *wincing* That bad, huh?
Pilot: It wasn't bad until the impromptu game of indoor squash between Tallest Red anfd Tallest Purple. They destroyed several paintings and... your model Alseides.
Yume: *dropping her head onto the bar: Aw, man, that thing cost me 80 bucks!
Pilot: That may be the least of your worries. After they beaned her upside the head with a badly aimed squash ball, Trinity beat them both up in less that .8 seconds and tied them up in the bathroom.
Yume: Ergh.
Pilot: I think Nightcrawler is in the midst of untying them. Whereas Nightcrawler and Nightcrawler are in the kitchen with the Dance Dance Revolution team.
Yume: Oh, good lord, they'll eat me out of lab and home....
*Pilot quietly slides a rum and coke toward Yume and keeps talking*
Pilot: No-one's seen Frodo Baggins anywhere but at last report he was wandering aimlessly about the hallways and muttering something about "his Precious."
Yume: I ought to as Nightcralwer or Nightcrawler to find him.
*as if on cue, there is a quiet bamf resulting in a cloud of inky blue smoke and the appearance of three individuals. Two of them appear to be very tall, green, bald save for a pair of antennae each, and clad in matching robes, one red, one purple. Between them stands a figure shorter than them by at least a foot, midnight blue and posessed of the worst fashion sense in history--although the longcoat is pretty sweet.*
Nightcrawler: Maybe you ought to stay here. I don't think she'll be coming back here for a vhile, you might ectually be safe... *a pause* Maybe.
*He grins breifly at the other occupants of the room, revealing a mouthful of pointy teeth, and disapears with another bamf and another cloud of smoke.*
Tallest Red: *coughing on the smoke* Remind me again why you have three of him here?
Yume: *with the air of explaining something to a brain-damaged monkey* Because each one is different. And because the more of him I have here, the better chance I have of keeping him still long enough to get samples. I have a lot of things to assimilate--the teleportation, the prehensile tail, and the ... er ... general fuzzy ... elf ... ness.
Tallest Purple: But one of him isn't fuzzy. Whaddya say ta THAT? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?--
Yume: *breaks him off* Still has the pointy ears, the tail, and the teleporting.
Pilot: *gazing at the two Irkens* And ... remind me, why are they here?
Yume: I told you, Pilot, they're here so I can adapt the identpak wetware technology and study the effect it has on organic beings. And--
Pur: *interrupting* Yeah, so suck on that, Shellhead.
*The resultant calmly delivered jet of water from the tap knocks him over. Pur rolls across the floor, screaming incoherently. Pilot grins toothily at Red, who backs up.*
Red: I'll ... eh ... be over here. C'mon, Pur. *he graps his singed compatriot and drags him away*
Yume: Oh, right. And to study that strange burning effect water has on Irkens....
*She walks away with her rum and coke and sits on one of the many couches. Lifting one of four wrists near her eyes, she pokes at a wristwatch communicator. "Hey, Kurt, can you do me a favour and look for Frodo?"
*Three bamf sounds can be heard, resulting in the appearance of three similar beings and a fourth, who looks very startled.*
Nightcrawler: Here he is!
Nightcrawler: Von Hobbit.
Nightcrawler: *pointing at Purple* Vhy is he on fire?
Purple: I'm not ON FIRE!
Yume: Yeah, he just has to quit smoking.
*Pilot twirls a glass about in one claw like a gunslinger, blows across the top of it, and smiled smugly, placing the glass back on the bar*
Nightcrawler: I'll find der skin ointment...
Yume: It's the blue gel next to the blue powder. Just don't get the blue stuff with the bubbles in, that's my corrosives.
Nightcrawler: Er, right.
*He disappears with an oddly-shaped cloud of smoke along with the customary bamf.*
*The other two Nightcrawlers look at each other and at Frodo, who looks confused.*
Nightcrawler: *bamfing onto the couch* He doesn't seem happy here. Vhy is he here again?
Yume: *grins* Easy. I want to assimilate the hobbit hair andtheability to do that thing with my eyebrows...
Frodo: *does the thing wth the eyebrows* Eh?
Yume: And to study the effect of that Ring.
Frodo: What ring?
Yume: Right. Well, he's here because ... well... I asked.
Nightcrawler: Sounds familiar....
Nightcrawler: Ja.
Yume: Hey, I also promised you revenge against that Stryker fellow who forced you to wear those godawful trousers.
Nightcrawler: But he's dead.
Yume: Oh, comon, nobody in the story you're in dies. They just go to Australia.
Nightcrawler: Ah. Det's right.
Red: *rubbing a bump on his head* Yeah, and what'd you bribe that uppity human in the vinyl with? And why's she here, anyway?
Yume: That's classified. And she's here as lab security. *grins toothily* And so I can absorb her mad fighting skillz and ability to look good in the dead reains of someone's disco record collection.
Nightcrawler: I suppose thet makes sense...
Frodo: Why is... why is the, er, being behind the bar here?
Yume: Pilot? Oh, he's here so I can get a better handle on multitasking. And for these!
*Holds up all four arms.*
*The door opens and a large man walks through, a mop in one hand and a bucket in the other.*
Matt The Lab Janitor: Hey, Yumegari. Just thought I'd tell you you used the wrong solvent on the rampant blue goo. It's ten times larer now, has eaten part of the table, and is heading for your cookies. Got any Spitfire?
Yume: It's ...er ... I'm not sure. I thought you had it.
Matt: I'll look for it. Nice tail. Finally managed to assimilate that, huh?
Yume: Yep! *waves tail*
Nightcrawler: Und ze vinyl clothing looks gute.
Yume: Why, thank you, Kurt. *Scritches him behind one ear, ruffling the longish hair and causing him to purr sligtly.*
Red: Okay, that's enough of that.
*Yumegari, her own fuzzy, pointed ears twitching, smiles.*
Yume: *standing* Well, I'm for a nice beakerful of Cammpbell's Primordial Soup. It's Mm' Mm' Genetic. *She disappears from the room with her own bamf and cloud of purple smoke.*
*Inside the lab, Yumegari smiles at the rather sour-looking janitor as he battles the huge blue goo with his mop. She puts a beakerful of brown soup onto a Bunsen burner.*
Yume: Just a short break and then it's back to mad scientisting. *grins*
And here's a picture.
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/1969165