Chapter 23. ICU psychosis |B|
Title: A truth without love
Parings: YunJae
Length: 23b/32
Overall Rating: PG-13, NC-17 later on
Disclaimer: Nope
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff, Angst,
Summary: True love will never fade unless it was all a lie. What happens when there’s no love in telling the truth? This is a story about two men who should have been together since the start or should have never met. Two different kinds of love and two different kinds of lives.... They met halfway and committed a crime that damned their lives.
Compassion. It was the base of Yunho’s relationship with Jihyun. Both pathetic, little wretched hearts weeping for a lost man with whom they wanted to start a life. So it became very natural for Yunho to reach to her, hold her hand, comb her hair, smile at her, let her rest her head on his shoulder. It wasn't with the ease of friends who knew each other for life and could laugh and joke together as if they could read each other’s mind. Yunho could do anything but read her mind. Unlike Jaejoong, she was quiet; there were always few words between them. He talked to her about Jaejoong with time suspended in a beautiful and warm place that was his memories with the man he loved. And they could stay there for days, his shelter which he felt obliged to share with her; but once the clock ticked against his ears and he blinked, Yunho found himself in the cold hospital room with the sporadic sound from the machines and it was silence between them, a lugubrious silence in which they found so little comfort.
Ultimately, she became his distraction. His eyes diverted their usual destination from Jaejoong to her and he observed her, even the smallest gestures she made, even breathing. Once an ice princess, how different he thought of her now. She didn't use words to express herself, but actions and with little details, she showed him tenderness. And Yunho responded to that, he began to care for her as well, more than just considering her as Jaejoong's twin sister, but someone he wanted near him. That’s how he began to take her out of the hospital. He took her out to dinner. He took her to the countryside where she picked daisies herself.
When it was time to sleep and the room turned dark and deader than during day, those who couldn’t follow the silence, went out and had fun and Yunho showed Jihyun the city his father told her. He saw the sparkles in her eyes with the view of Han River enlightened at midnight. They walked through a deserted Mapo Bridge at 2 in the morning and in the middle of it, between gold and black, he kissed her.
He took her to another special place that night, a place Jihyun had begged him to take her many times before, but Yunho couldn't help himself to do it.
He unlocked the door and took a deep breath. His heart felt little and vulnerable, no longer protected inside his ribcage, under tight muscle and skin, but exposed to be hurt. Yet she took his hand, a subtle caress and he felt as she was craddling his heart in her arms, healing it for the muscle was hurt and torn in so many places. She slowly led him inside. This was his and Jaejoong's apartment.
Even the smell, the sweet smell of home, taunted Yunho about the precious life he no longer had. It weighted down on him until he felt he was crumbling. It was unbearable.
"Which is a smell Jaejoong loves?" She asked him.
"He likes the smell of herbs, chamomile. He also likes the smell of cinnamon"
He remembered Jaejoong’s midnight snacks, they made love and Jaejoong came back to bed with pepper smelling hands or cinnamon smelling hands and a piece of fixed chicken on a plate. He tried to stuff Yunho’s mouth as well but he always refused or he wouldn’t have breakfast in the morning.
To Yunho's answer, Jihyun decided to make pancakes that night and Yunho accepted them, from her hands which smelled of syrup and cinnamon. Yunho reached for a mug in the cupboard and she was in the middle of that space fixing his pancakes, so he automatically took her by the waist, turned her around and sat her on the counter, easily. She was very light. Jihyun covered her mouth, hiding a flustered smile and Yunho simply moved in between her legs and took the mug.
The moment that came next was unexpected for both. He looked at her and she leaned forward and gave him a kiss on his lips, not a peck of comfort, but a real kiss. And Yunho let himself go in the sweet taste of her mouth, feeling his heart thump once more. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. So he was alive after all. He put his hands under her blouse and she trembled as they kissed.
They didn’t go further than kissing, nor they stayed in the apartment. Yunho drove her back to Jaejoong as morning light peeked among the clouds. He dropped her off and disappeared for the rest of the day.
He came back very late at night and she was there looking at the door, waiting for him. Yunho smelled of alcohol, but she was relieved to see him and she was happy because his eyes were looking at her instead of the bed, instead of Jaejoong.
He took her to buy clothes another time because you look like a homeless person. Jihyun told him it didn’t matter how she looked or what he thought she looked like because she knew what she was. Yunho told her then that she was the most beautiful homeless-looking woman he would ever meet and so she agreed to buy clothes with him.
Jihyun wandered in the store until she was staring at the evening dresses and gowns, with eyes of wonder. The jewelry-incrusted fabrics, the details of the sewing, the colors, the ruffles, every dress seemed to have a life of its own with a secret story of romance and pleasure behind. Jihyun couldn’t help to wonder if she would have that type of unforgettable memory if she bought one of those garments or simply would do an injustice to such piece of clothing. The simple and yet beautiful life of the country, didn’t need fashion and elegance after all. Might be a princess, but will never have chiffon and satin hugging her figure or pricey stilettos that would sink in the dirt.
k
Twirling among the delicate shapes, she found herself in another room of gray walls and tall windows. There, the dresses were white, white silk, white lace, white veils. And Jihyun did not breathe for a great fraction of time, because from every gorgeous dress she ever saw, there was one she did wish to make a memory of love with, the dress she did think about and wanted to wear someday, her wedding dress.
Someone whose eyes never left her from afar, noticed the illusion on her face, her chest swelling like a little bird before letting out a note, but hers was a silent sigh.
"Do you want to try one of those?" Yunho asked her.
She giggled, before waving her hand no and walking away.
“Do you want to marry someday?"
She stared at him and smiled. She said she was going to marry Jaejoong.
Yunho chuckled and his eyes narrowed mischievously. He then pulled her and shoved her inside the dressing room.
“Miss. she wants to try a dress, but she’s too shy” He told the shop assistant.
Jihyun-ah, Jihyun-ah come out.
She refused to step out, even if the clerk told her repeated times she looked stunning and how envious she was of her. Why was she trying a wedding dress?
Jihyun-ah, Jihyun-ah come out, please.
To his begging, she gave up. Their eyes met and her smile shook. Yunho’s semblance was cold and his eyes unwavering as he observed her. The kind and sweet Yunho was no longer standing in front, but this unforgiving and intimidating version of him, which also compelled her.
“Does the groom like it?” The assistant asked between smiles, unable to feel the tension between the two people.
“I’m not the groom”
“Yes, he’s not the groom” Jihyun confirmed, trying to hide the horrible disappointment that throbbed inside her. Suddenly she didn’t want to be in the room with him, under the scrutiny of his callous gaze and she picked up the tail of the dress with trembling hands, smiling at the other woman as she went back to the dressing room.
She was stopped, her arm grabbed by that strong hand she knew well by now.
“You look gorgeous” He told her and she nodded, avoiding his eyes.
For a while, Jihyun stayed in the dressing room where she hid her tears. She realized too late that her crying had dampened the pearly fabric. She was still wearing the dress and needed to get out of it. She looked at herself in the mirror and slapped her cheeks before calling the assistant.
“Miss, would you help me?”
The woman was no longer around, it was Yunho who walked inside the booth. She laughed, hoping that he was joking and hoping her eyes did not look sore to him. This upset and grim Yunho was still there and she could see him well through the reflection of the mirror, however he so very gently put his hands on the back of her dress and slowly zipped it down. His breathing was calm and felt like a caress to Jihyun's neck. She didn’t know what he was doing or why and she didn’t know what she was doing herself that she let him undress her. She blushed as the fabric slid down and pooled around her feet, effortlessly, not knowing that it was revealing the bare body of a beautiful woman to a man who was committed to another.
“Do you hate the dress so much?” She asked quietly.
“It’s not the dress, Jihyun”
She wasn’t sure what he meant or maybe she refused to believe there was another meaning behind his words, yet she dared look up in the mirror, at him. Her cheeks turned crimson. Her thin body except for her panties was fully exposed to him, but there were Yunho’s eyes she liked, welcoming and loving.
She turned around and he gently pressed her closer against his frame, as if to protect her from the cold and from nudity. She became breathless with the innocent contact of her body against his. There was a moment where their hearts were beating at the same time and she was able to hear them. He planted a kiss on her eyes and she knew he had known all along.
“I’m the groom of the groom, Jihyun-ah”
“I know” She whispered back. Cruel words among sweet, wet kisses, she didn't care what it meant anymore and she got on her toes and claimed his lips.
It's the dress. She excused herself while she kept kissing Yunho, her toes curling over the softness of the gown.
d
d
It was a rainy when it happened. The sky had been framed in gray from very early in the morning and throughout the day, a thick shadow casted upon it which light struggled to penetrate and chilly water helped stir.
Jihyun didn’t like rainy days, Yunho was cranky when it rained. She knew he got mad at the sky and the clouds for pouring down, because rain made Jaejoong depressed and it was very cold and Jaejoong’s cheeks turned rosy and his nose wet like a dog's, even with the vapor machine turned on.
She stared at the window, water dribbled down the windows, harder and then slower as the hours went by, its yells of attention seemingly pleasant for she fell asleep once more that afternoon.
Yunho walked inside the room with two mugs of hot cocoa when Jihyun was sleeping by Jaejoong's side, she squeezed herself well besides him. Yunho observed them and then the window and then the marshmallows that melted in the chocolate and his eyelids turned heavy, but he couldn’t drift off. He noticed Jihyun was stealing Jaejoong’s blanket. It was almost cute, but he was too tired to take it into account. He walked to the bed and carelessly wrapped his arms around her and took her away from his lover. She stirred but didn’t wake up. Yunho went back to Jaejoong and fixed the blankets, wrapping him up tightly. He then placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
Then he walked to the closet and took another blanket and put the wooly coat over her curled figure on the couch. Jihyun's skirt went up and she opened her eyes the moment Yunho was fixing her up.
“This is a family place. You can’t show your legs” He nagged her.
"Why did you move me?"
“You were stealing his covers”
“You put the blanket on him first. I was cold”
He glared at her, before sighing. “Should I make you warm then?”
She stared at him for a couple seconds, before slowly nodding her head. Yunho stood up and locked the door. He then lay down in the couch, arms around her waist, securing her against his body, again she fitted perfectly. She drowsed off very quickly and Yunho followed suit after a while.
When he woke up, the room was dark, pitch black except for the moon since the window had its drapes open. There were two smaller and brighter moons in front of him, looking at him and they closed abruptly when he noticed.
Yunho’s lips curved upwards. “I know you’re awake”
Jihyu's eyes slowly fluttered open and Yunho’s heart skipped a beat. Jaejoong’s eyes. His reaction was immediate and he squeezed the young woman, he held her tight, excruciatingly tight. But she didn’t complain, she let him. And Yunho hid his face against her neck because he was crying.
Jihyun cupped Yunho's face and kissed his cheeks and forehead, trying to comfort him. A kiss came from both sides in synchrony, a kiss on Yunho’s lips, but those lips which were sealed for someone else didn’t seem so anymore for he kissed her with passion, deeply, with his mouth open, rough and hungry. She replied with the same intensity until she was out of breath and she sat up on top of him, straddling his hips as if to lock him under her weight so he wouldn’t leave her.
Yunho watched her with the glow of the night shaping her silhouette, and she unbuttoned her blouse and took off her bra .Jihyun then took his hands and guided them to her breasts, making Yunho feel them and squeeze them.
“I’m not him” She told him.
“I know”
“Don’t look at me like you look at him. Not right now”
He picked her from the armpits, roughly, angered by how aroused he was. He pushed her against the couch and with his eyes never leaving hers, he opened her legs and pulled down her panties. There was no gentleness he could spare like he did with Jaejoong. He was rough and needy.
Her chest was going up and down as Yunho touched her, her mouth parted as she called for him. Her eyes bright and tempting, not a bit of fear, they carried and Yunho knew she didn’t doubt this, and he was relieved because what took control of him then, he wouldn’t forgive himself if he did anything to push her. But Jihyun, she loved Yunho and that clammy night of sex and madness, she explored Yunho's body and tasted every part of him with desire and love, the love she had for him and was ripping her chest apart. She was given a chance to set Yunho free from the misery of his days, from the guilt and the burdens Jaejoong cast upon him and she wanted to make him hers as much as she wanted Yunho to make her his.
That night that they slept together besides Jaejoong's bed, Yunho's heart broke irreparably among her moans and the beeping machines. But for the part of him that died and lay by Jaejoong’s cold feet, another one came to life in Jihyun’s warmth and with the sound of her voice. On the couch, in her arms, Yunho remembered what love and life felt like again.
I love you. She told him. I love you. She told him again. I love you. She repeated.
I love you, Yunho.
This time he didn’t pound harder against her body like before, but he replied to her.
I love you too
Only me?
Only you, Jihyun-ah
If you love two people at the same time, choose the second, because if you really loved the first, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.
It didn’t matter what type of day it was the one Jaejoong opened his eyes. There was no one with him to make recollections about it and his mind was too foggy for him to do his own.
Later with clear head, he would say that he would have liked to have woken up during the day, a sunny day with his family around him so he could watch a couple of his sisters pass out, and he wanted someone to be holding his hand. But his mind stirred at last in the middle of the night when it was dark and quiet and he was all by himself. His eyes were open but he was unable to tell if he was dreaming or if he had died.
His first hours of consciousness were frightening, there were so many shadows near him but there was something holding his neck, that trapped him to the bed and he couldn’t move, there were also little thin tubes inserted in what seemed every vein of his body, like chains on the walls. He wondered in doubt what had happened to him that he was in the hospital; he worried about being paralyzed and voiceless for life for a long, long time, until he heard a person humming, it was a woman and she walked inside the room. From the corner of his eye, Jaejoong saw what she was doing, she was mopping the floors. She had gloves on and was carrying her cleaning supplies and she moved to his bed, cleaned the metal edges of it, still humming and then came closer and looked at him. The woman smiled and Jaejoong smiled back at her and a loud rattling sound was heard down the hall followed by the woman’s cries
.
A lot of people came and went inside his room, doctors and nurses who were very friendly and supportive. They spoke very softly and soothingly to him without Jaejoong understanding much of their encouragement. They said he had been in a coma after a car accident, but for exactly how long? He was curious. They wouldn’t say.
They put the TV on for him and they gave him a remote. Jaejoong stared at the images for what seemed hours, images slowly helped him build up his life as they seemed to spark memories. But memories were vague and unclear like bad shape pictures from 20 years ago.
He watched music videos and felt an urge to look at himself in the mirror, how badly had misfortune marked and disfigured his body? How many scars were there on his face, the face they said was beautiful?
He saw the news and realized he couldn’t remember the name of the president of his own country and the name the anchorman was saying didn’t sound familiar. He felt no anxiety as they mentioned some case from last year and the news from last week, Jaejoong was timeless that day and it was comforting.
He watched a soap, from the same channel since he couldn’t remember where he placed the remote. Perhaps it fell off the bed. The drama told the story of a blind girl who fell in love with an ajeossi who became her guardian angel. He risked his life in a boxing fight so he could afford her new corneas. He was almost killed fighting and because his face was scarred terribly, he didn’t meet the young woman after her surgery. She waited for him, he had been around the corner looking after her, and not knowing his looks from before, she was able to recognize him at the end, because she loved him and it was her heart that followed his heart.
Jaejoong didn’t understand why he began to cry the way he did with the reunion of the two actors on the TV. He was stricken by deep grief and the tears wouldn’t stop. A love story marked by tragedy, it was fiction and there were so many like that, but inside his chest, it hurt too much, why?
A name rolled off his tongue, so very naturally and he called the name again and again, feeling the ache inside him throb and expand, Yunho. And he was asking Yunho for forgiveness. Jaejoong remembered the accident, the night he walked away from the love of his life.
“Yunho” He mumbled to the nurse.
“Is he a friend of yours?” She smiled at him. “Don’t worry; we have informed your family. They’re on their way”
It was a matter of hours before Jaejoong was surrounded by the familiar faces of the men he loved so much and grew up with. And to his amusement, they left every bit of manliness they had at the door for they showered him with kisses like a mother does to her child. Changmin wouldn’t stop hugging him which was very touching for Jaejoong considering how much his dongsaeng enjoyed himself beating him to a pulp sometimes. Yoochun, he was crying, he covered his mouth while his eyes were faucets. And Junsu, he couldn’t stop talking and shrieking. An old doctor stopped by the room and told them to take it easy and speak slowly and calmly to him, because half of everything they were saying, asides from overwhelming simply looked like a mute motion picture to Jaejoong. He couldn’t hear them and understand them much, not yet.
“His body had his own rhythm now and it’s not as fast as ours. Eventually it will level”
That wasn’t discouraging since the beautiful man seemed to have fun by watching their crazy expressions, because even if he made an effort, Junsu couldn’t slow down. With a raspy voice, Jaejoong told Yoochun not to cry or he’ll make Yunho cry as well. Then Jaejoong finally realized, Yunho was not there, he didn’t come with them.
“Where is Yunho?”
The answers were vague and masterfully diverted to another subject. For his slow reflects which were just adjusting, for a long time he didn’t see that indeed his friends were shamelessly evading every little piece of conversation about the other man.
“Did he die?” Jaejoong casually asked Changmin one afternoon, that type of question he couldn’t go off on a tangent about, could he?
Changmin sighed heavily and still didn’t feel relieved, just empty. He’s alive. He’s in America. He’s running the company. He made up with his dad. He’s married and his wife is pregnant. He waited for you, but then he stopped waiting and he moved on. I don’t know further than that. We were not in good terms when he left. Yoochun is the one who calls him occasionally for his birthday and New Year’s Eve.
He had no heart to tell Jaejoong the truth, nor could he distort it because it had the same ending regardless, Yunho moved on with his life and let Jaejoong out of it.
“…He’s fine, hyung”
“All right, Minnie”
Doctors said his recovery wouldn’t take long and he was doing splendidly so far, to keep it up. Little did they know who his motivation through those first months of rehabilitation was. Jaejoong knew nothing of him and he needed to get of his wheelchair and out of the hospital soon, so he could look for Yunho and find the answers his friends and family were denying him.
A nurse was helping him bath when a pregnant woman walked inside his room, he was very embarrassed because though he felt no attraction of any sort to her, she was dazzling and he, well he was a hindrance, still unable to carry on with the most basic needs of a human being without assistance.
The woman’s name was Jihyun and she was very friendly and sweet, she brought him flowers and Japanese treats she personally made. Her name rebounded inside his head for a long, long time, but still he couldn’t resolve who she was. When he asked her at last, she said between laughter that she was once a model in Japan who he worked with.
It made sense and Jaejoong was very grateful to have made such a valuable friend, because she was very interested in his health and continued to visit him and spend time with him. In one of her many visits, she crossed paths with Yoochun and Junsu and to Jaejoong’s surprise he didn’t have to introduce her to them. They were elusive to give details to how they knew each other and it didn’t take him long to realize, there was something else, they didn’t like her. The air was tense and the talkative woman suddenly lost her voice under their eyes. Junsu kept looking at her, fixed and steadily, and for the innocent and kind person he is, those eyes didn’t go well in his face.
She left earlier and his Junsu was back, talking nonsense and laughing alone. Yoochun however he followed after her.
Jihyun didn’t come for the next few days and it was Changmin who wouldn’t leave his side. However by the end of the week, he saw her during the night, when none of his friends and family were around. And she stayed for long hours since she claimed to have permission.
“You smell of tempera”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I do” She laughed. “I was with my husband. He paints. I paint too” She took out a little lime flask of perfume from her purse.
“Oh no don’t” Jaejoong wave his hands at her. “I love that smell Jihyun-ah. It’s the best perfume you can wear around me. It brings me memories”
“Good memories?”
“The best of my life”
Pushing small talk behind, he couldn’t put his curiosity at ease and asked her if she didn’t like his friends. Jihyun said she did, but she might have offended them in the past and that’s why it was uncomfortable now. She said she didn’t mean wrong, but it didn’t matter to them.
“What is that terrible thing you did, Jihyun-ah?”
What was that offense this caring woman committed that his loving friends wouldn’t forgive? Jaejoong couldn’t guess if asked and his brain was tired of wondering around, trying to arm some kind of puzzle every day with little crumps here and there.
“I stole someone. I stole love that didn’t belong to me, but …can you really do that Jaejoong? Can you take someone against their will and force them to love you?”
“No, I don’t think you can.”
“His love had been the hardest thing to earn, but I did. He does love me and I can’t let him go. He’s everything to me now and I make him happy. I really do. Can you understand that?”
“I can. Of course I can. I had love once and it changed my life. I still have it. I know I do. I just need to get better”
“…Do you know where this person that you love is?”
“He is hiding, but we’ll be together soon. Once I’m discharged, I’ll go find him and we’ll have our fairytale. Nothing else matters to me anymore”
Jihyun left late like usual, she told him not to worry because she didn’t drive home herself, her husband came to pick her up. She kissed his forehead before leaving and told him that she was sorry and she loved him very much and Jaejoong was speechless. It felt like she was saying good-bye. Just like that. She was such a sweet person, maybe a little absurd, but he had become very fond of her as well.
He got on his feet with the help of his crutches and saw her leave through the window. She walked out of the gates to the parking lot and waved to someone and indeed a dark car parked right in front of her. A tall man climbed out of the driver seat, he cupped Jihyun’s face and seemed to tell her something and then kissed her. She held his hand as he gently helped her inside the vehicle.
It was dark and the street lamppost was the only source of light to his eyes which were looking from the 4th floor of the hospital, but Jaejoong could bet his life and his recovery that that man, who got out the car as Jihyun’s husband, was Yunho. There was no way he would not recognize Yunho. And Jaejoong smacked the window and called his name.
“Yunho, I’m here. Yunho! Yunho! Yunho!” He kept pounding his fists.
The car drove away and Jaejoong broke the glass. The nurses ran to the room as the disturbing racket made it to their ears. And they found their patient with bloody hands pushing himself out the window.
The shards of glass had ripped down Jaejoong’s pajama top as well as his chest. There was blood on the walls, on the floor, on the uniforms of the nurses as they pulled him down and tried to hold him still. But he stirred and fought them and without a strength he didn’t know he had in himself, he was able to get on his two feet. He staggered out of the room and out of their reach. His legs fully responded to the command of his brain this time and he ordered them to run, run with all their might. The deserted hall was given to him to run like a child and that’s what he did.
Please. Don’t leave. Please. I’m here. It’s me.
But Jaejoong’s health was frail and the sweep of adrenalin that fed his legs could only go beyond the riot of his wounds for so long. There was a moment of blackness before he fell on the floor. There, he crawled. He wouldn’t give up. The nurses reached him and they were too many this time, he tried, but he couldn’t.
He yelled Yunho’s name among sobs, his voice was gone. He was crying, wailing like a hurt animal, but no sound would come out. He was chocking, the pain was too intense like he was being burned alive, but he was going to lose him.
Yunho. Don’t leave me. Yunho. I’m here.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Parings: YunJae
Length: 23b/32
Overall Rating: PG-13, NC-17 later on
Disclaimer: Nope
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff, Angst,
Summary: True love will never fade unless it was all a lie. What happens when there’s no love in telling the truth? This is a story about two men who should have been together since the start or should have never met. Two different kinds of love and two different kinds of lives.... They met halfway and committed a crime that damned their lives.
Compassion. It was the base of Yunho’s relationship with Jihyun. Both pathetic, little wretched hearts weeping for a lost man with whom they wanted to start a life. So it became very natural for Yunho to reach to her, hold her hand, comb her hair, smile at her, let her rest her head on his shoulder. It wasn't with the ease of friends who knew each other for life and could laugh and joke together as if they could read each other’s mind. Yunho could do anything but read her mind. Unlike Jaejoong, she was quiet; there were always few words between them. He talked to her about Jaejoong with time suspended in a beautiful and warm place that was his memories with the man he loved. And they could stay there for days, his shelter which he felt obliged to share with her; but once the clock ticked against his ears and he blinked, Yunho found himself in the cold hospital room with the sporadic sound from the machines and it was silence between them, a lugubrious silence in which they found so little comfort.
Ultimately, she became his distraction. His eyes diverted their usual destination from Jaejoong to her and he observed her, even the smallest gestures she made, even breathing. Once an ice princess, how different he thought of her now. She didn't use words to express herself, but actions and with little details, she showed him tenderness. And Yunho responded to that, he began to care for her as well, more than just considering her as Jaejoong's twin sister, but someone he wanted near him. That’s how he began to take her out of the hospital. He took her out to dinner. He took her to the countryside where she picked daisies herself.
When it was time to sleep and the room turned dark and deader than during day, those who couldn’t follow the silence, went out and had fun and Yunho showed Jihyun the city his father told her. He saw the sparkles in her eyes with the view of Han River enlightened at midnight. They walked through a deserted Mapo Bridge at 2 in the morning and in the middle of it, between gold and black, he kissed her.
He took her to another special place that night, a place Jihyun had begged him to take her many times before, but Yunho couldn't help himself to do it.
He unlocked the door and took a deep breath. His heart felt little and vulnerable, no longer protected inside his ribcage, under tight muscle and skin, but exposed to be hurt. Yet she took his hand, a subtle caress and he felt as she was craddling his heart in her arms, healing it for the muscle was hurt and torn in so many places. She slowly led him inside. This was his and Jaejoong's apartment.
Even the smell, the sweet smell of home, taunted Yunho about the precious life he no longer had. It weighted down on him until he felt he was crumbling. It was unbearable.
"Which is a smell Jaejoong loves?" She asked him.
"He likes the smell of herbs, chamomile. He also likes the smell of cinnamon"
He remembered Jaejoong’s midnight snacks, they made love and Jaejoong came back to bed with pepper smelling hands or cinnamon smelling hands and a piece of fixed chicken on a plate. He tried to stuff Yunho’s mouth as well but he always refused or he wouldn’t have breakfast in the morning.
To Yunho's answer, Jihyun decided to make pancakes that night and Yunho accepted them, from her hands which smelled of syrup and cinnamon. Yunho reached for a mug in the cupboard and she was in the middle of that space fixing his pancakes, so he automatically took her by the waist, turned her around and sat her on the counter, easily. She was very light. Jihyun covered her mouth, hiding a flustered smile and Yunho simply moved in between her legs and took the mug.
The moment that came next was unexpected for both. He looked at her and she leaned forward and gave him a kiss on his lips, not a peck of comfort, but a real kiss. And Yunho let himself go in the sweet taste of her mouth, feeling his heart thump once more. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. So he was alive after all. He put his hands under her blouse and she trembled as they kissed.
They didn’t go further than kissing, nor they stayed in the apartment. Yunho drove her back to Jaejoong as morning light peeked among the clouds. He dropped her off and disappeared for the rest of the day.
He came back very late at night and she was there looking at the door, waiting for him. Yunho smelled of alcohol, but she was relieved to see him and she was happy because his eyes were looking at her instead of the bed, instead of Jaejoong.
He took her to buy clothes another time because you look like a homeless person. Jihyun told him it didn’t matter how she looked or what he thought she looked like because she knew what she was. Yunho told her then that she was the most beautiful homeless-looking woman he would ever meet and so she agreed to buy clothes with him.
Jihyun wandered in the store until she was staring at the evening dresses and gowns, with eyes of wonder. The jewelry-incrusted fabrics, the details of the sewing, the colors, the ruffles, every dress seemed to have a life of its own with a secret story of romance and pleasure behind. Jihyun couldn’t help to wonder if she would have that type of unforgettable memory if she bought one of those garments or simply would do an injustice to such piece of clothing. The simple and yet beautiful life of the country, didn’t need fashion and elegance after all. Might be a princess, but will never have chiffon and satin hugging her figure or pricey stilettos that would sink in the dirt.
k
Twirling among the delicate shapes, she found herself in another room of gray walls and tall windows. There, the dresses were white, white silk, white lace, white veils. And Jihyun did not breathe for a great fraction of time, because from every gorgeous dress she ever saw, there was one she did wish to make a memory of love with, the dress she did think about and wanted to wear someday, her wedding dress.
Someone whose eyes never left her from afar, noticed the illusion on her face, her chest swelling like a little bird before letting out a note, but hers was a silent sigh.
"Do you want to try one of those?" Yunho asked her.
She giggled, before waving her hand no and walking away.
“Do you want to marry someday?"
She stared at him and smiled. She said she was going to marry Jaejoong.
Yunho chuckled and his eyes narrowed mischievously. He then pulled her and shoved her inside the dressing room.
“Miss. she wants to try a dress, but she’s too shy” He told the shop assistant.
Jihyun-ah, Jihyun-ah come out.
She refused to step out, even if the clerk told her repeated times she looked stunning and how envious she was of her. Why was she trying a wedding dress?
Jihyun-ah, Jihyun-ah come out, please.
To his begging, she gave up. Their eyes met and her smile shook. Yunho’s semblance was cold and his eyes unwavering as he observed her. The kind and sweet Yunho was no longer standing in front, but this unforgiving and intimidating version of him, which also compelled her.
“Does the groom like it?” The assistant asked between smiles, unable to feel the tension between the two people.
“I’m not the groom”
“Yes, he’s not the groom” Jihyun confirmed, trying to hide the horrible disappointment that throbbed inside her. Suddenly she didn’t want to be in the room with him, under the scrutiny of his callous gaze and she picked up the tail of the dress with trembling hands, smiling at the other woman as she went back to the dressing room.
She was stopped, her arm grabbed by that strong hand she knew well by now.
“You look gorgeous” He told her and she nodded, avoiding his eyes.
For a while, Jihyun stayed in the dressing room where she hid her tears. She realized too late that her crying had dampened the pearly fabric. She was still wearing the dress and needed to get out of it. She looked at herself in the mirror and slapped her cheeks before calling the assistant.
“Miss, would you help me?”
The woman was no longer around, it was Yunho who walked inside the booth. She laughed, hoping that he was joking and hoping her eyes did not look sore to him. This upset and grim Yunho was still there and she could see him well through the reflection of the mirror, however he so very gently put his hands on the back of her dress and slowly zipped it down. His breathing was calm and felt like a caress to Jihyun's neck. She didn’t know what he was doing or why and she didn’t know what she was doing herself that she let him undress her. She blushed as the fabric slid down and pooled around her feet, effortlessly, not knowing that it was revealing the bare body of a beautiful woman to a man who was committed to another.
“Do you hate the dress so much?” She asked quietly.
“It’s not the dress, Jihyun”
She wasn’t sure what he meant or maybe she refused to believe there was another meaning behind his words, yet she dared look up in the mirror, at him. Her cheeks turned crimson. Her thin body except for her panties was fully exposed to him, but there were Yunho’s eyes she liked, welcoming and loving.
She turned around and he gently pressed her closer against his frame, as if to protect her from the cold and from nudity. She became breathless with the innocent contact of her body against his. There was a moment where their hearts were beating at the same time and she was able to hear them. He planted a kiss on her eyes and she knew he had known all along.
“I’m the groom of the groom, Jihyun-ah”
“I know” She whispered back. Cruel words among sweet, wet kisses, she didn't care what it meant anymore and she got on her toes and claimed his lips.
It's the dress. She excused herself while she kept kissing Yunho, her toes curling over the softness of the gown.
d
d
It was a rainy when it happened. The sky had been framed in gray from very early in the morning and throughout the day, a thick shadow casted upon it which light struggled to penetrate and chilly water helped stir.
Jihyun didn’t like rainy days, Yunho was cranky when it rained. She knew he got mad at the sky and the clouds for pouring down, because rain made Jaejoong depressed and it was very cold and Jaejoong’s cheeks turned rosy and his nose wet like a dog's, even with the vapor machine turned on.
She stared at the window, water dribbled down the windows, harder and then slower as the hours went by, its yells of attention seemingly pleasant for she fell asleep once more that afternoon.
Yunho walked inside the room with two mugs of hot cocoa when Jihyun was sleeping by Jaejoong's side, she squeezed herself well besides him. Yunho observed them and then the window and then the marshmallows that melted in the chocolate and his eyelids turned heavy, but he couldn’t drift off. He noticed Jihyun was stealing Jaejoong’s blanket. It was almost cute, but he was too tired to take it into account. He walked to the bed and carelessly wrapped his arms around her and took her away from his lover. She stirred but didn’t wake up. Yunho went back to Jaejoong and fixed the blankets, wrapping him up tightly. He then placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
Then he walked to the closet and took another blanket and put the wooly coat over her curled figure on the couch. Jihyun's skirt went up and she opened her eyes the moment Yunho was fixing her up.
“This is a family place. You can’t show your legs” He nagged her.
"Why did you move me?"
“You were stealing his covers”
“You put the blanket on him first. I was cold”
He glared at her, before sighing. “Should I make you warm then?”
She stared at him for a couple seconds, before slowly nodding her head. Yunho stood up and locked the door. He then lay down in the couch, arms around her waist, securing her against his body, again she fitted perfectly. She drowsed off very quickly and Yunho followed suit after a while.
When he woke up, the room was dark, pitch black except for the moon since the window had its drapes open. There were two smaller and brighter moons in front of him, looking at him and they closed abruptly when he noticed.
Yunho’s lips curved upwards. “I know you’re awake”
Jihyu's eyes slowly fluttered open and Yunho’s heart skipped a beat. Jaejoong’s eyes. His reaction was immediate and he squeezed the young woman, he held her tight, excruciatingly tight. But she didn’t complain, she let him. And Yunho hid his face against her neck because he was crying.
Jihyun cupped Yunho's face and kissed his cheeks and forehead, trying to comfort him. A kiss came from both sides in synchrony, a kiss on Yunho’s lips, but those lips which were sealed for someone else didn’t seem so anymore for he kissed her with passion, deeply, with his mouth open, rough and hungry. She replied with the same intensity until she was out of breath and she sat up on top of him, straddling his hips as if to lock him under her weight so he wouldn’t leave her.
Yunho watched her with the glow of the night shaping her silhouette, and she unbuttoned her blouse and took off her bra .Jihyun then took his hands and guided them to her breasts, making Yunho feel them and squeeze them.
“I’m not him” She told him.
“I know”
“Don’t look at me like you look at him. Not right now”
He picked her from the armpits, roughly, angered by how aroused he was. He pushed her against the couch and with his eyes never leaving hers, he opened her legs and pulled down her panties. There was no gentleness he could spare like he did with Jaejoong. He was rough and needy.
Her chest was going up and down as Yunho touched her, her mouth parted as she called for him. Her eyes bright and tempting, not a bit of fear, they carried and Yunho knew she didn’t doubt this, and he was relieved because what took control of him then, he wouldn’t forgive himself if he did anything to push her. But Jihyun, she loved Yunho and that clammy night of sex and madness, she explored Yunho's body and tasted every part of him with desire and love, the love she had for him and was ripping her chest apart. She was given a chance to set Yunho free from the misery of his days, from the guilt and the burdens Jaejoong cast upon him and she wanted to make him hers as much as she wanted Yunho to make her his.
That night that they slept together besides Jaejoong's bed, Yunho's heart broke irreparably among her moans and the beeping machines. But for the part of him that died and lay by Jaejoong’s cold feet, another one came to life in Jihyun’s warmth and with the sound of her voice. On the couch, in her arms, Yunho remembered what love and life felt like again.
I love you. She told him. I love you. She told him again. I love you. She repeated.
I love you, Yunho.
This time he didn’t pound harder against her body like before, but he replied to her.
I love you too
Only me?
Only you, Jihyun-ah
If you love two people at the same time, choose the second, because if you really loved the first, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.
It didn’t matter what type of day it was the one Jaejoong opened his eyes. There was no one with him to make recollections about it and his mind was too foggy for him to do his own.
Later with clear head, he would say that he would have liked to have woken up during the day, a sunny day with his family around him so he could watch a couple of his sisters pass out, and he wanted someone to be holding his hand. But his mind stirred at last in the middle of the night when it was dark and quiet and he was all by himself. His eyes were open but he was unable to tell if he was dreaming or if he had died.
His first hours of consciousness were frightening, there were so many shadows near him but there was something holding his neck, that trapped him to the bed and he couldn’t move, there were also little thin tubes inserted in what seemed every vein of his body, like chains on the walls. He wondered in doubt what had happened to him that he was in the hospital; he worried about being paralyzed and voiceless for life for a long, long time, until he heard a person humming, it was a woman and she walked inside the room. From the corner of his eye, Jaejoong saw what she was doing, she was mopping the floors. She had gloves on and was carrying her cleaning supplies and she moved to his bed, cleaned the metal edges of it, still humming and then came closer and looked at him. The woman smiled and Jaejoong smiled back at her and a loud rattling sound was heard down the hall followed by the woman’s cries
.
A lot of people came and went inside his room, doctors and nurses who were very friendly and supportive. They spoke very softly and soothingly to him without Jaejoong understanding much of their encouragement. They said he had been in a coma after a car accident, but for exactly how long? He was curious. They wouldn’t say.
They put the TV on for him and they gave him a remote. Jaejoong stared at the images for what seemed hours, images slowly helped him build up his life as they seemed to spark memories. But memories were vague and unclear like bad shape pictures from 20 years ago.
He watched music videos and felt an urge to look at himself in the mirror, how badly had misfortune marked and disfigured his body? How many scars were there on his face, the face they said was beautiful?
He saw the news and realized he couldn’t remember the name of the president of his own country and the name the anchorman was saying didn’t sound familiar. He felt no anxiety as they mentioned some case from last year and the news from last week, Jaejoong was timeless that day and it was comforting.
He watched a soap, from the same channel since he couldn’t remember where he placed the remote. Perhaps it fell off the bed. The drama told the story of a blind girl who fell in love with an ajeossi who became her guardian angel. He risked his life in a boxing fight so he could afford her new corneas. He was almost killed fighting and because his face was scarred terribly, he didn’t meet the young woman after her surgery. She waited for him, he had been around the corner looking after her, and not knowing his looks from before, she was able to recognize him at the end, because she loved him and it was her heart that followed his heart.
Jaejoong didn’t understand why he began to cry the way he did with the reunion of the two actors on the TV. He was stricken by deep grief and the tears wouldn’t stop. A love story marked by tragedy, it was fiction and there were so many like that, but inside his chest, it hurt too much, why?
A name rolled off his tongue, so very naturally and he called the name again and again, feeling the ache inside him throb and expand, Yunho. And he was asking Yunho for forgiveness. Jaejoong remembered the accident, the night he walked away from the love of his life.
“Yunho” He mumbled to the nurse.
“Is he a friend of yours?” She smiled at him. “Don’t worry; we have informed your family. They’re on their way”
It was a matter of hours before Jaejoong was surrounded by the familiar faces of the men he loved so much and grew up with. And to his amusement, they left every bit of manliness they had at the door for they showered him with kisses like a mother does to her child. Changmin wouldn’t stop hugging him which was very touching for Jaejoong considering how much his dongsaeng enjoyed himself beating him to a pulp sometimes. Yoochun, he was crying, he covered his mouth while his eyes were faucets. And Junsu, he couldn’t stop talking and shrieking. An old doctor stopped by the room and told them to take it easy and speak slowly and calmly to him, because half of everything they were saying, asides from overwhelming simply looked like a mute motion picture to Jaejoong. He couldn’t hear them and understand them much, not yet.
“His body had his own rhythm now and it’s not as fast as ours. Eventually it will level”
That wasn’t discouraging since the beautiful man seemed to have fun by watching their crazy expressions, because even if he made an effort, Junsu couldn’t slow down. With a raspy voice, Jaejoong told Yoochun not to cry or he’ll make Yunho cry as well. Then Jaejoong finally realized, Yunho was not there, he didn’t come with them.
“Where is Yunho?”
The answers were vague and masterfully diverted to another subject. For his slow reflects which were just adjusting, for a long time he didn’t see that indeed his friends were shamelessly evading every little piece of conversation about the other man.
“Did he die?” Jaejoong casually asked Changmin one afternoon, that type of question he couldn’t go off on a tangent about, could he?
Changmin sighed heavily and still didn’t feel relieved, just empty. He’s alive. He’s in America. He’s running the company. He made up with his dad. He’s married and his wife is pregnant. He waited for you, but then he stopped waiting and he moved on. I don’t know further than that. We were not in good terms when he left. Yoochun is the one who calls him occasionally for his birthday and New Year’s Eve.
He had no heart to tell Jaejoong the truth, nor could he distort it because it had the same ending regardless, Yunho moved on with his life and let Jaejoong out of it.
“…He’s fine, hyung”
“All right, Minnie”
Doctors said his recovery wouldn’t take long and he was doing splendidly so far, to keep it up. Little did they know who his motivation through those first months of rehabilitation was. Jaejoong knew nothing of him and he needed to get of his wheelchair and out of the hospital soon, so he could look for Yunho and find the answers his friends and family were denying him.
A nurse was helping him bath when a pregnant woman walked inside his room, he was very embarrassed because though he felt no attraction of any sort to her, she was dazzling and he, well he was a hindrance, still unable to carry on with the most basic needs of a human being without assistance.
The woman’s name was Jihyun and she was very friendly and sweet, she brought him flowers and Japanese treats she personally made. Her name rebounded inside his head for a long, long time, but still he couldn’t resolve who she was. When he asked her at last, she said between laughter that she was once a model in Japan who he worked with.
It made sense and Jaejoong was very grateful to have made such a valuable friend, because she was very interested in his health and continued to visit him and spend time with him. In one of her many visits, she crossed paths with Yoochun and Junsu and to Jaejoong’s surprise he didn’t have to introduce her to them. They were elusive to give details to how they knew each other and it didn’t take him long to realize, there was something else, they didn’t like her. The air was tense and the talkative woman suddenly lost her voice under their eyes. Junsu kept looking at her, fixed and steadily, and for the innocent and kind person he is, those eyes didn’t go well in his face.
She left earlier and his Junsu was back, talking nonsense and laughing alone. Yoochun however he followed after her.
Jihyun didn’t come for the next few days and it was Changmin who wouldn’t leave his side. However by the end of the week, he saw her during the night, when none of his friends and family were around. And she stayed for long hours since she claimed to have permission.
“You smell of tempera”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I do” She laughed. “I was with my husband. He paints. I paint too” She took out a little lime flask of perfume from her purse.
“Oh no don’t” Jaejoong wave his hands at her. “I love that smell Jihyun-ah. It’s the best perfume you can wear around me. It brings me memories”
“Good memories?”
“The best of my life”
Pushing small talk behind, he couldn’t put his curiosity at ease and asked her if she didn’t like his friends. Jihyun said she did, but she might have offended them in the past and that’s why it was uncomfortable now. She said she didn’t mean wrong, but it didn’t matter to them.
“What is that terrible thing you did, Jihyun-ah?”
What was that offense this caring woman committed that his loving friends wouldn’t forgive? Jaejoong couldn’t guess if asked and his brain was tired of wondering around, trying to arm some kind of puzzle every day with little crumps here and there.
“I stole someone. I stole love that didn’t belong to me, but …can you really do that Jaejoong? Can you take someone against their will and force them to love you?”
“No, I don’t think you can.”
“His love had been the hardest thing to earn, but I did. He does love me and I can’t let him go. He’s everything to me now and I make him happy. I really do. Can you understand that?”
“I can. Of course I can. I had love once and it changed my life. I still have it. I know I do. I just need to get better”
“…Do you know where this person that you love is?”
“He is hiding, but we’ll be together soon. Once I’m discharged, I’ll go find him and we’ll have our fairytale. Nothing else matters to me anymore”
Jihyun left late like usual, she told him not to worry because she didn’t drive home herself, her husband came to pick her up. She kissed his forehead before leaving and told him that she was sorry and she loved him very much and Jaejoong was speechless. It felt like she was saying good-bye. Just like that. She was such a sweet person, maybe a little absurd, but he had become very fond of her as well.
He got on his feet with the help of his crutches and saw her leave through the window. She walked out of the gates to the parking lot and waved to someone and indeed a dark car parked right in front of her. A tall man climbed out of the driver seat, he cupped Jihyun’s face and seemed to tell her something and then kissed her. She held his hand as he gently helped her inside the vehicle.
It was dark and the street lamppost was the only source of light to his eyes which were looking from the 4th floor of the hospital, but Jaejoong could bet his life and his recovery that that man, who got out the car as Jihyun’s husband, was Yunho. There was no way he would not recognize Yunho. And Jaejoong smacked the window and called his name.
“Yunho, I’m here. Yunho! Yunho! Yunho!” He kept pounding his fists.
The car drove away and Jaejoong broke the glass. The nurses ran to the room as the disturbing racket made it to their ears. And they found their patient with bloody hands pushing himself out the window.
The shards of glass had ripped down Jaejoong’s pajama top as well as his chest. There was blood on the walls, on the floor, on the uniforms of the nurses as they pulled him down and tried to hold him still. But he stirred and fought them and without a strength he didn’t know he had in himself, he was able to get on his two feet. He staggered out of the room and out of their reach. His legs fully responded to the command of his brain this time and he ordered them to run, run with all their might. The deserted hall was given to him to run like a child and that’s what he did.
Please. Don’t leave. Please. I’m here. It’s me.
But Jaejoong’s health was frail and the sweep of adrenalin that fed his legs could only go beyond the riot of his wounds for so long. There was a moment of blackness before he fell on the floor. There, he crawled. He wouldn’t give up. The nurses reached him and they were too many this time, he tried, but he couldn’t.
He yelled Yunho’s name among sobs, his voice was gone. He was crying, wailing like a hurt animal, but no sound would come out. He was chocking, the pain was too intense like he was being burned alive, but he was going to lose him.
Yunho. Don’t leave me. Yunho. I’m here.
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