Spiders in my sleep -Part 4.a-
Title: Spiders in my sleep
Pairings: YunJae
Length: 4/8
Overall Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I was inspired by "Papa to Kiss in the Dark'. If you're familiar with the OVAs and have your reservations about the main theme there, even if it's YJ I would suggest that you don't read this. The story doesn't have any inhibitions about it. If you do like, hope you enjoy :)
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff,
Summary: Everyone is blessed with one special thing. For Jung Jaejoong, it was his father and he needed no more. His father who was his world and he loved deeply, taut filial ties had no favoritism over right and wrong
I cried myself to sleep. After everything he said to me, that was all that was left for me to do. I could beg, but at that moment I still had some pride left and I admit I couldn’t grasp as a whole everything that Yunho was telling me. Papa is a very crafty man indeed and while I sobbed in his arms and he held me for dear life, he lay everything on the table for me to realize myself that there was no us like I wanted it to be. If I had just understood sooner....
I stayed in his arms, sniffing pathetically, asking him for kisses because I wanted him to shut up. Nothing but sweet words came out of his lips and yet they frightened me like I was being told a death sentence. He said those comforting words of love he can only tell me. He busted my confidence in my abilities with exaggerated praises. And among all that kindness that he gave me, like every other day he would, it wasn’t enough to cushion the heartbreak because he was telling me goodbye.
Yunho wants me to leave. He wants me to pursue my dream and build my life away, on my own. Without him. He tells me to be excited about it, studying abroad in complete freedom, without a boring old man watching over me or nagging me all the time. But who is he talking about, I wonder. Who is the boring old man? We had never had the relationship where I roll my eyes at him and he nags me. I nag him. He tickles me. We kiss. That’s us. But there’s no us
I managed the situation very maturely at first. I caressed Yunho's cheeks and told him that we were a couple and we couldn’t separate. I told him that I wanted to live with him. I told him that I would gladly do anything else with my life if I can stay by his side. He took my hand and kissed it. He said he loved me more than I would ever know. But that my leave wasn’t for discussion and I was going to Japan whether I agreed with him or not. I was meant for greatness and he wouldn’t stand on my way.
That night I slept in my room, for the first time since I can remember for I was furious like I haven’t been before and I would have remembered such uncomfortable sleep. The bed felt too stiff, I was cold and then after I looked for another blanket which smelled funny for being put away in years, I was too hot. Ironic because I did it for him to miss me. I wanted him to repent and enjoy the crappiest night of his life without me in his arms, but at the end it was me who couldn’t sleep. I cuddled with myself and tried to embrace the fury I felt so it would keep me warm. I tried not to cry. I tried not to call his name.
“Papa~ …. Papa~…Papa…please open up~”
I waited in the hall with tears were running down my face. The door was never open. Not a sound was heard from inside either, but I waited. I gathered hope in my heart because Yunho would never ignore me. And as I waited for a very long time, I cuddled with my stuffed elephant named Pepe and my blanket. Finally, I fell asleep, next to the door.
The next morning I was alone. He left me breakfast like any other day, but he didn’t come home for lunch. I didn't see him until late at night. He bought strawberry rolls for me and went straight into his office. I prepared him tea and served it to him with one of the rolls which he should have known how much it meant since I never want to share my strawberry rolls.
“Thank you sweetie” He told me, but wouldn’t even look from his computer screen.
There were so many questions I wanted to ask him. I was willing to hear him talk about work, I missed the sound of his voice, yet he didn’t look at me. He would normally make a pause for me, a long pause where my cheeks would flush, my lips would swell and his and my shirt would crumple.
He simply sipped at his tea and continued browsing in his documents. I lay on the couch and waited for him to remember that he loves me. I stared at my pale thighs revealed by the scarce fabric of my briefs. I still had love marks on them from the last time we were together. I smirked remembering how much my friends tease me about being shy with my body. They couldn’t be more wrong. I love to be naked, but in gym class I needed to hide myself. I couldn’t let my friends see those marks in my body made during sex. This secret, I can’t share with them and worries me and thrills me at the same time, is mine and Yunho’s only.
I stared at him, with heat in the pit of my stomach and sparks in my eyes. I couldn’t believe that the cold man sitting on the big chair who looked like the conventional uncaring father was the one who made each one of my pretty love marks.
Who are you? What did you do with Yunho? I want my father back, how much ransom money do you want for him?
I walked up to him and called him. "Papa"
"Yes, sweetie"
I couldn't say anything. What could I say? I'm not his lover. We just have an atypical and screwed up relationship were we share intimacy and it started because I cried and seduced him. He has never seen me as his lover.
"What's wrong?" He asked me and pulled me for a hug. He rubbed my back up and down while he continued with work. I like the touch of his big hands on my body, he loves the touch of my skinny frame on his palms. I looked at him and smiled. He looked at me and smiled back. I looked at the screen, he was looking at houses.
I woke up when the sunrays hit me in the face. I stirred and I noticed that I was sleeping on a small bed, mine. I was in my own bedroom. I sat up at once. My emotional congestion from the last two days was gushing out of my chest like a volcano and it was going to hit Yunho full force. Why did he put me here?
But no matter how many rooms I went into inside our house, I couldn’t find him. He left early again.
Another rainy day went by, uninteresting and lonely. He called me in the afternoon to check how I was doing, but mostly silence is all I remember from the phone call. He said he was coming home late because of a meeting. I ate alone, not even Jiji wanted to have dinner with me. I locked the stupid cat in a box. For two minutes. I love Jiji too much. He is always there for me.
“You miss papa Jiji-ah? I miss him too” And yet there I was trying to make the cat pee on my father’s side of the bed.
“I feel like I haven’t seen him in months…”
I finally fell asleep. My sleep was very light, maybe due to the own restlessness of my heart, but I woke up when I heard the door and he was there with me. He tugged gently on the strands of my hair. I couldn’t hold myself.
“Don’t push me away” I begged while I hugged him.
“Why would I ever push you away? Papa has been very busy. Are you feeling lonely?”
I buried my tears in his shirt and bobbed my head.
“You own papa’s heart, do you know that? You can have my heart. I’ll be happy if you keep it... Sometimes love makes us hold tight, too tight and we want to hold forever… Don’t you think it would be very selfish of me to hold onto you forever?”
There he was again speaking about us in a way I didn’t understand. I shook my head no to him because I could not imagine my life without him, neither did I want to. He laughed and planted a soft kiss on my lips. My features relaxed. We lay in bed together and he let me put my head on his stomach.
“I love you” He said and I didn’t need anything else.
“Yunho… I can’t. Unggg…Like that…Ahhh… Unggg…I’m going to…”
He drove me to insanity and I burst like a piñata of sticky stuff. But we weren’t done yet. He spread my legs apart and worked his way up kissing my feet and very high above that. I kept stirring on the bed-sheets. My chest was going up and down. I was seeing pearl red and glittery blue and bits of lime green as he thrust inside me. This is how drugs must be like. Yunho is my drug.
“Papa, harder. I want harder” I raped his mouth while he fastened his grip on my waist and pulled me closer and stronger.
“You look so beautiful, my beautiful” He combed the hair that had stuck to my face.
“I want more. More!”
Soon enough I felt my butt filled with his white love.
I opened my eyes and blinked a couple times. Drool was coming from the side of my mouth and onto the pillow. I was spread out on the bed with a fierce tingling all over my body and a proud erection throbbing inside my cotton pants.
My bare feet landing on the wood floor and rushing to the bathroom were the next sound after I swallowed noisily. The cold tiles made me shiver as I leaned against the bathroom door and let my pajama pants pool at my feet. I closed my eyes as I recalled my new invented memories, my hand around myself, up and down furiously.
I am cursed indeed. A sweet curse like spiders giving me kisses, injecting love and pleasure into my body with their ticklish, little fangs.
After my magnificent morning treat thanks to Yunho and my putrid mind, I decided to go back to bed. There’s no more high school. Also, I’m a coward and I rather hide under the sheets and sleep than face my problems, like music school and figuring out how to tell papa that I’m going to refuse the scholarship.
My plan went smoothly for about two minutes when I hear Yunho on the phone talking… Japanese.
“Hai hai... Raishuu daijobu... Masamune-san, chanto misete kudaisa yo …. Jejung? Sonna koto nai yo…. Genki, genki!...”
That morning I believed I could make use of my 18 years of existence to prove autonomy to myself and choose my life path, thus I would not be attending music school in Tokyo but another music school here in Seoul, I realized I had lived in perfect delusion. My happiness had been extremely short lived. That splendid father who I used to love and admire, showed me his horns that morning, when I was in the most defenseless state.
I went into my bedroom to find him sitting on the floor, in front of my wardrobe, folding every single piece of clothing I had in there into large suitcases.
“Good morning beautiful” He greeted me as he continued to stack my shirts and pants. “Have you eaten breakfast? There’s grilled fish”
“What are those suitcases for?”
“Well your luggage. Papa transferred money to your card, you can buy clothes there too, but we still need to pack some”
“… Where are we going?” I asked while I already knew the answer, but I dreaded it to the point of feeling my legs shake. For a couple seconds, I dared myself to hope it could be something else.
“You are flying to Tokyo this weekend, Jaejoong”
~~~~
There’s nothing wrong with being scared, so long as you don’t let it change who you are*
I highlighted the phrase from the book which was left to us for homework in Korean class. It spoke to me. Emotional distress is so easy to disregard, nobody dies of a broken heart do they? Yet, it is an ache worse than physical. It has a way to linger and grow and spread in the mind and body as well through guilt and hatred for ourselves.
I giggled and I put the pen down. I can’t believe I’m so damned accurate for this type of cheesy topics sometimes. It is a skill of mine and papa knows about it, that’s why he says I’ll do wonders for writing songs. Lately, he has been insisting that I consider pursuing a career related to music. He says I have it in me, melody and harmony in love. If he knew, everything I compose is inspired by him. He is the one who lets me hear the music in my heart. Yunho is my muse. I can look at him and my mind becomes one with my heart. It is so easy to write like that.
I left the library after I called Yunho to let him know I was done in school and heading home. He offered to pick me up, but I feel guilty so I told him I was on my way with the boys. He's the most overprotective after what happened with Yihan. I don't really mind because I'm a sucker for his attention and we're spending more time together, but it's a very serious matter to him, he got hurt the most with what happened. I guess the thought of his son being raped gives him nightmares. I don't like to see him worried, but I don't want to burden him either with unnecessary trouble like picking me up everywhere. Luckily, I found Junsu waiting for the bus. I waved and we decided to walk back home, we live two blocks away from each other. He had soccer practice today and began to tell me everything about it, like this incredible kick he did and hoped somebody had recorded because it look like samba magic the Brazilian players do. I had no idea what he was saying. I don’t know anything about soccer. I don’t even know what place our country occupies in the world ranking.
There is just one time I truthfully watched a match without falling asleep. It was for the World Cup. South Korea had been eliminated, but Japan was having an amazing performance and their match was against Brazil. It was very late at night, but papa was very excited and he was willing to let me stay late if I really wanted to watch the game so I pretended I did. I rested my head on his lap while we watched the game, occasionally bumping against his knee when he stirred or jumped in elation. But I was paying attention to the game, unbelievably. The reason?
There was this gorgeous player from Brazil’s team. He had the cutest baby face, I couldn’t believe he was a professional player. I was a bit narrow-minded about looks and sports, but there he was running and sweating and looking like a prince in the middle of the field. I first thought to myself, what is he doing there?
“Get out of there!” I yelled. “Omg, somebody save number 10! Get him out of the field”
“Do you like him?” Yunho asked me.
“He’s going to get hit by the ball and there goes his gorgeous face”
“It’s all right, BooJae. Kaka is one of the best there”
That night, I found someone with whom I could cheat on papa in my dreams.
Anyway I was chuckling to myself about what happened last year while Junsu continued with his soccer soliloquy. I encouraged him because he loves it, but I also reached inside his bag for the iPod and the headphones that were dangling from the pocket. It was a long walk.
….
I wonder what will happen if you
Say what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
….
Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good?
Did you think it would?
…
Why don’t you tell him the truth?
I looked at Junsu’s iPod, the song was called Brave. I suddenly felt like I was being watched. I surveyed my surroundings carefully before I told myself I was paranoid, asides from pretentious.
My life does seem part of a conspiracy these days. Ever since I spoke with papa in the park and after our incredible kiss, things have gone out of control between us. Not only do I find these creepy signs everywhere like gigantic arrows pointing at Yunho, but at home, papa is acting weird. I can’t even pinpoint exactly how, but the tension between us is different. He hugs me and I no longer feel the tingles, but my body becomes a ball of fire on the spot. His goofy side is missing and there he is with his very trained and very sexy frown or flexing his heavenly sculpted back in front of me, even his bass, smooth voice as he whispers in my ear to hand him the popcorn. Could it be pheromones perhaps? Not that Yunho’s cologne has changed. I would have noticed.
I can describe Yunho as ridiculously as any other kid would to his dad when they have a good relationship, for example I admit that he’s a weirdo when he watches the news every morning crouching on his chair like Ryuzaki from Death Note. I call him Ryunhozaki, then how embarrassing he is when he gets hyper and starts dancing around like a child or when he only wears a shirt with nothing underneath. But lately papa has been anything like my embarrassing, hot father. He’s just been… hot; showing me that charismatic side that would make any woman lose her panties. I think he’s strategically placing himself in places around the house for me to notice him and then he writes down on the little notebook that he carries around. He’s playing detective Conan around the house.
Just like Yunho told me, so I dribbled the ball to the left, but kicked it in the middle and totally fooled the goalkeeper. Victory tastes twice as sweet with tricks like that. Eu kyang kyang!
“Say, Junsu?”
“What?”
“… Do you think Yunho is handsome?”
“Sure”
“Sure?”
He stopped playing with the little rock on the ground and looked at me. “Are you blind? Your papa looks like he could be on a TV drama as the lead male”
I giggled. I’ve said that too.
“Nothing like you. Why do you look like a woman?!”
“Yah!” I kicked the rock he left behind, trying to aim it at his head, but it went on the other side of the street. “Are all soccer players so dumb?! I look like my mother! And she was beautiful”
“Doesn’t it get weird sometimes? Hasn’t he ever called you by her name?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean mom even calls me Junho sometimes and my brother and I are not identical. I bet it’s weird to to look at you and see his wife”
The rock had been spiraling in the air without me noting it because right as Junsu stopped talking I felt it hit me in the forehead. Hard. I heard no hallelujah music and saw no blinding lights, but I knew I had just a revelation. The weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.
How could it be that my duck butt friend who had nothing but the names of soccer players and Yoochun’s greasy lips cooking in his brain, figured out my life’s dilemma in less than two minutes while I had been breaking my head about it for so long?
I dropped Junsu’s bag on the ground. “You’re a genius, Junsu! Stop chasing balls and go work with the NASA! I yelled and I ran to my house.
I hurried upstairs and locked myself in my room. Jiji was napping on my bed and I greeted him with a rough pat on his back since I was in such a fervor I couldn’t do it any gentler than that. He’s too fat to run away so he simply moved to the other side of the bed and glared at me.
I opened my closet and reached for the secret spot behind my shoes. There I hide a little treasure which I saved for the sake of memories. Now it’ll be put to use the way it deserves to. It was a box with mom’s personal belongings. I found it when we packed our stuff to move to this house. That time, papa and I went through every single one of the items inside as he reminisced about mom. At the end he choked up and excused himself to the bathroom. I knew he was crying and it broke my heart that I couldn’t comfort him. I don’t get jealous of mom, but I would be lying to him if I say I'll support him if he goes out and meets women. I don’t want him to grow old alone, but he can’t marry anyone. Maybe …just me.
Yunho decided to give the boxes to charity. He said that mama would have preferred that. However, I saved one of the boxes without him knowing and here I am trying on my mom’s clothes and heels in front of the mirror.
“It really fits me, Jiji-ah….Even if I’m taller than mama… It looks good, doesn’t it?… I can’t believe I’m trying them just now…What about this one, JjJi? ...Should I wear this one? I look like a slut in it! It’s so short, but my legs look infinite… I like this dress too. It’s so twirly” I spun around like a ballerina. “I’m already acting like a girl” I laughed to myself, but I was very comfortable wearing dresses.
My legs felt like jelly as I looked through the window and noticed we’re getting close to the Hotel, but I won’t back off. Whatever is meant to happen I will not hesitate, I don’t want to live with the what ifs.
I set a meeting with him. Of course papa doesn’t know it’s me. Yunho thinks he is meeting with an investor who happened to cancel their appointment the day before and moved it for next week, and I happened to take the message from his assistant. It was a sign from Heaven.
The meeting was at 7:30 at the Grand Palace Hotel in the West side of the city. And I was running late, it was 7:46 when the taxi finally parked at the entrance. I couldn’t believe it took me so much time to get ready, but then I had to secure the wig to my hair and that was troublesome. I couldn't ask anyone for help. Then I started to believe it look too fake. I mean I haven't been blonde before in my life.
Make up was a crusade itself and though heels were manageable to wear, walking with them without looking like I just had a hip relocation was another deal. And finally I got a bit carried away and I did my nails. I regret that now. Yunho is very demanding when it comes to work and 20 minutes late for a business meeting is very unacceptable.
Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave.
When I arrived to the dining room, I didn’t need to ask for him, I spotted him right away in his favorite place, the terrace. There he was with his chin on his hand, looking at the city. He didn’t look upset, just a little melancholic. I couldn’t help to smile and wondered what was going through his mind. Was he worried about work or maybe he was thinking of me? All of a sudden I just wanted to take off the heels and jump into his arms and ask him for dinner with me instead, tell him all about my afternoon cross-dressing and the crazy plan I plotted for us tonight. Then I wanted to slap myself.
Don’t blow it Jaejoong. We are on a mission. We must go through this until the end. You put on one of those silicone bras for Christ's Sake. You can do it!
Yes, I'm wearing boobs and I look stunning.
I checked my wig and my dress in the lobby’s mirror and a smile curved my lips. Papa’s jaw was going to drop to the ground. Tonight, after 15 years, he’ll meet mama again and he’ll spend the night with her …and I’ll spend the night with him.
I took a deep breath and started walking towards the love of my life and mama’s life too.
4.B
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
I'll post part B tomorrow. It's already done so it's a promise :)
*That's from the movie ParaNorman. The song is Brave by Sara Bareilles.
I'm sorry if you were expecting Jaejoongie from Vacation with the long black wig, but I want so badly to see Jae wearing a blonde and wavy wig. I blame Kuranosuke from Kuragehime, he's another JaeJae in 2D c:
[Spoiler (click to open)]
Pairings: YunJae
Length: 4/8
Overall Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I was inspired by "Papa to Kiss in the Dark'. If you're familiar with the OVAs and have your reservations about the main theme there, even if it's YJ I would suggest that you don't read this. The story doesn't have any inhibitions about it. If you do like, hope you enjoy :)
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff,
Summary: Everyone is blessed with one special thing. For Jung Jaejoong, it was his father and he needed no more. His father who was his world and he loved deeply, taut filial ties had no favoritism over right and wrong
I cried myself to sleep. After everything he said to me, that was all that was left for me to do. I could beg, but at that moment I still had some pride left and I admit I couldn’t grasp as a whole everything that Yunho was telling me. Papa is a very crafty man indeed and while I sobbed in his arms and he held me for dear life, he lay everything on the table for me to realize myself that there was no us like I wanted it to be. If I had just understood sooner....
I stayed in his arms, sniffing pathetically, asking him for kisses because I wanted him to shut up. Nothing but sweet words came out of his lips and yet they frightened me like I was being told a death sentence. He said those comforting words of love he can only tell me. He busted my confidence in my abilities with exaggerated praises. And among all that kindness that he gave me, like every other day he would, it wasn’t enough to cushion the heartbreak because he was telling me goodbye.
Yunho wants me to leave. He wants me to pursue my dream and build my life away, on my own. Without him. He tells me to be excited about it, studying abroad in complete freedom, without a boring old man watching over me or nagging me all the time. But who is he talking about, I wonder. Who is the boring old man? We had never had the relationship where I roll my eyes at him and he nags me. I nag him. He tickles me. We kiss. That’s us. But there’s no us
I managed the situation very maturely at first. I caressed Yunho's cheeks and told him that we were a couple and we couldn’t separate. I told him that I wanted to live with him. I told him that I would gladly do anything else with my life if I can stay by his side. He took my hand and kissed it. He said he loved me more than I would ever know. But that my leave wasn’t for discussion and I was going to Japan whether I agreed with him or not. I was meant for greatness and he wouldn’t stand on my way.
That night I slept in my room, for the first time since I can remember for I was furious like I haven’t been before and I would have remembered such uncomfortable sleep. The bed felt too stiff, I was cold and then after I looked for another blanket which smelled funny for being put away in years, I was too hot. Ironic because I did it for him to miss me. I wanted him to repent and enjoy the crappiest night of his life without me in his arms, but at the end it was me who couldn’t sleep. I cuddled with myself and tried to embrace the fury I felt so it would keep me warm. I tried not to cry. I tried not to call his name.
“Papa~ …. Papa~…Papa…please open up~”
I waited in the hall with tears were running down my face. The door was never open. Not a sound was heard from inside either, but I waited. I gathered hope in my heart because Yunho would never ignore me. And as I waited for a very long time, I cuddled with my stuffed elephant named Pepe and my blanket. Finally, I fell asleep, next to the door.
The next morning I was alone. He left me breakfast like any other day, but he didn’t come home for lunch. I didn't see him until late at night. He bought strawberry rolls for me and went straight into his office. I prepared him tea and served it to him with one of the rolls which he should have known how much it meant since I never want to share my strawberry rolls.
“Thank you sweetie” He told me, but wouldn’t even look from his computer screen.
There were so many questions I wanted to ask him. I was willing to hear him talk about work, I missed the sound of his voice, yet he didn’t look at me. He would normally make a pause for me, a long pause where my cheeks would flush, my lips would swell and his and my shirt would crumple.
He simply sipped at his tea and continued browsing in his documents. I lay on the couch and waited for him to remember that he loves me. I stared at my pale thighs revealed by the scarce fabric of my briefs. I still had love marks on them from the last time we were together. I smirked remembering how much my friends tease me about being shy with my body. They couldn’t be more wrong. I love to be naked, but in gym class I needed to hide myself. I couldn’t let my friends see those marks in my body made during sex. This secret, I can’t share with them and worries me and thrills me at the same time, is mine and Yunho’s only.
I stared at him, with heat in the pit of my stomach and sparks in my eyes. I couldn’t believe that the cold man sitting on the big chair who looked like the conventional uncaring father was the one who made each one of my pretty love marks.
Who are you? What did you do with Yunho? I want my father back, how much ransom money do you want for him?
I walked up to him and called him. "Papa"
"Yes, sweetie"
I couldn't say anything. What could I say? I'm not his lover. We just have an atypical and screwed up relationship were we share intimacy and it started because I cried and seduced him. He has never seen me as his lover.
"What's wrong?" He asked me and pulled me for a hug. He rubbed my back up and down while he continued with work. I like the touch of his big hands on my body, he loves the touch of my skinny frame on his palms. I looked at him and smiled. He looked at me and smiled back. I looked at the screen, he was looking at houses.
I woke up when the sunrays hit me in the face. I stirred and I noticed that I was sleeping on a small bed, mine. I was in my own bedroom. I sat up at once. My emotional congestion from the last two days was gushing out of my chest like a volcano and it was going to hit Yunho full force. Why did he put me here?
But no matter how many rooms I went into inside our house, I couldn’t find him. He left early again.
Another rainy day went by, uninteresting and lonely. He called me in the afternoon to check how I was doing, but mostly silence is all I remember from the phone call. He said he was coming home late because of a meeting. I ate alone, not even Jiji wanted to have dinner with me. I locked the stupid cat in a box. For two minutes. I love Jiji too much. He is always there for me.
“You miss papa Jiji-ah? I miss him too” And yet there I was trying to make the cat pee on my father’s side of the bed.
“I feel like I haven’t seen him in months…”
I finally fell asleep. My sleep was very light, maybe due to the own restlessness of my heart, but I woke up when I heard the door and he was there with me. He tugged gently on the strands of my hair. I couldn’t hold myself.
“Don’t push me away” I begged while I hugged him.
“Why would I ever push you away? Papa has been very busy. Are you feeling lonely?”
I buried my tears in his shirt and bobbed my head.
“You own papa’s heart, do you know that? You can have my heart. I’ll be happy if you keep it... Sometimes love makes us hold tight, too tight and we want to hold forever… Don’t you think it would be very selfish of me to hold onto you forever?”
There he was again speaking about us in a way I didn’t understand. I shook my head no to him because I could not imagine my life without him, neither did I want to. He laughed and planted a soft kiss on my lips. My features relaxed. We lay in bed together and he let me put my head on his stomach.
“I love you” He said and I didn’t need anything else.
“Yunho… I can’t. Unggg…Like that…Ahhh… Unggg…I’m going to…”
He drove me to insanity and I burst like a piñata of sticky stuff. But we weren’t done yet. He spread my legs apart and worked his way up kissing my feet and very high above that. I kept stirring on the bed-sheets. My chest was going up and down. I was seeing pearl red and glittery blue and bits of lime green as he thrust inside me. This is how drugs must be like. Yunho is my drug.
“Papa, harder. I want harder” I raped his mouth while he fastened his grip on my waist and pulled me closer and stronger.
“You look so beautiful, my beautiful” He combed the hair that had stuck to my face.
“I want more. More!”
Soon enough I felt my butt filled with his white love.
I opened my eyes and blinked a couple times. Drool was coming from the side of my mouth and onto the pillow. I was spread out on the bed with a fierce tingling all over my body and a proud erection throbbing inside my cotton pants.
My bare feet landing on the wood floor and rushing to the bathroom were the next sound after I swallowed noisily. The cold tiles made me shiver as I leaned against the bathroom door and let my pajama pants pool at my feet. I closed my eyes as I recalled my new invented memories, my hand around myself, up and down furiously.
I am cursed indeed. A sweet curse like spiders giving me kisses, injecting love and pleasure into my body with their ticklish, little fangs.
After my magnificent morning treat thanks to Yunho and my putrid mind, I decided to go back to bed. There’s no more high school. Also, I’m a coward and I rather hide under the sheets and sleep than face my problems, like music school and figuring out how to tell papa that I’m going to refuse the scholarship.
My plan went smoothly for about two minutes when I hear Yunho on the phone talking… Japanese.
“Hai hai... Raishuu daijobu... Masamune-san, chanto misete kudaisa yo …. Jejung? Sonna koto nai yo…. Genki, genki!...”
That morning I believed I could make use of my 18 years of existence to prove autonomy to myself and choose my life path, thus I would not be attending music school in Tokyo but another music school here in Seoul, I realized I had lived in perfect delusion. My happiness had been extremely short lived. That splendid father who I used to love and admire, showed me his horns that morning, when I was in the most defenseless state.
I went into my bedroom to find him sitting on the floor, in front of my wardrobe, folding every single piece of clothing I had in there into large suitcases.
“Good morning beautiful” He greeted me as he continued to stack my shirts and pants. “Have you eaten breakfast? There’s grilled fish”
“What are those suitcases for?”
“Well your luggage. Papa transferred money to your card, you can buy clothes there too, but we still need to pack some”
“… Where are we going?” I asked while I already knew the answer, but I dreaded it to the point of feeling my legs shake. For a couple seconds, I dared myself to hope it could be something else.
“You are flying to Tokyo this weekend, Jaejoong”
~~~~
There’s nothing wrong with being scared, so long as you don’t let it change who you are*
I highlighted the phrase from the book which was left to us for homework in Korean class. It spoke to me. Emotional distress is so easy to disregard, nobody dies of a broken heart do they? Yet, it is an ache worse than physical. It has a way to linger and grow and spread in the mind and body as well through guilt and hatred for ourselves.
I giggled and I put the pen down. I can’t believe I’m so damned accurate for this type of cheesy topics sometimes. It is a skill of mine and papa knows about it, that’s why he says I’ll do wonders for writing songs. Lately, he has been insisting that I consider pursuing a career related to music. He says I have it in me, melody and harmony in love. If he knew, everything I compose is inspired by him. He is the one who lets me hear the music in my heart. Yunho is my muse. I can look at him and my mind becomes one with my heart. It is so easy to write like that.
I left the library after I called Yunho to let him know I was done in school and heading home. He offered to pick me up, but I feel guilty so I told him I was on my way with the boys. He's the most overprotective after what happened with Yihan. I don't really mind because I'm a sucker for his attention and we're spending more time together, but it's a very serious matter to him, he got hurt the most with what happened. I guess the thought of his son being raped gives him nightmares. I don't like to see him worried, but I don't want to burden him either with unnecessary trouble like picking me up everywhere. Luckily, I found Junsu waiting for the bus. I waved and we decided to walk back home, we live two blocks away from each other. He had soccer practice today and began to tell me everything about it, like this incredible kick he did and hoped somebody had recorded because it look like samba magic the Brazilian players do. I had no idea what he was saying. I don’t know anything about soccer. I don’t even know what place our country occupies in the world ranking.
There is just one time I truthfully watched a match without falling asleep. It was for the World Cup. South Korea had been eliminated, but Japan was having an amazing performance and their match was against Brazil. It was very late at night, but papa was very excited and he was willing to let me stay late if I really wanted to watch the game so I pretended I did. I rested my head on his lap while we watched the game, occasionally bumping against his knee when he stirred or jumped in elation. But I was paying attention to the game, unbelievably. The reason?
There was this gorgeous player from Brazil’s team. He had the cutest baby face, I couldn’t believe he was a professional player. I was a bit narrow-minded about looks and sports, but there he was running and sweating and looking like a prince in the middle of the field. I first thought to myself, what is he doing there?
“Get out of there!” I yelled. “Omg, somebody save number 10! Get him out of the field”
“Do you like him?” Yunho asked me.
“He’s going to get hit by the ball and there goes his gorgeous face”
“It’s all right, BooJae. Kaka is one of the best there”
That night, I found someone with whom I could cheat on papa in my dreams.
Anyway I was chuckling to myself about what happened last year while Junsu continued with his soccer soliloquy. I encouraged him because he loves it, but I also reached inside his bag for the iPod and the headphones that were dangling from the pocket. It was a long walk.
….
I wonder what will happen if you
Say what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
….
Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good?
Did you think it would?
…
Why don’t you tell him the truth?
I looked at Junsu’s iPod, the song was called Brave. I suddenly felt like I was being watched. I surveyed my surroundings carefully before I told myself I was paranoid, asides from pretentious.
My life does seem part of a conspiracy these days. Ever since I spoke with papa in the park and after our incredible kiss, things have gone out of control between us. Not only do I find these creepy signs everywhere like gigantic arrows pointing at Yunho, but at home, papa is acting weird. I can’t even pinpoint exactly how, but the tension between us is different. He hugs me and I no longer feel the tingles, but my body becomes a ball of fire on the spot. His goofy side is missing and there he is with his very trained and very sexy frown or flexing his heavenly sculpted back in front of me, even his bass, smooth voice as he whispers in my ear to hand him the popcorn. Could it be pheromones perhaps? Not that Yunho’s cologne has changed. I would have noticed.
I can describe Yunho as ridiculously as any other kid would to his dad when they have a good relationship, for example I admit that he’s a weirdo when he watches the news every morning crouching on his chair like Ryuzaki from Death Note. I call him Ryunhozaki, then how embarrassing he is when he gets hyper and starts dancing around like a child or when he only wears a shirt with nothing underneath. But lately papa has been anything like my embarrassing, hot father. He’s just been… hot; showing me that charismatic side that would make any woman lose her panties. I think he’s strategically placing himself in places around the house for me to notice him and then he writes down on the little notebook that he carries around. He’s playing detective Conan around the house.
Just like Yunho told me, so I dribbled the ball to the left, but kicked it in the middle and totally fooled the goalkeeper. Victory tastes twice as sweet with tricks like that. Eu kyang kyang!
“Say, Junsu?”
“What?”
“… Do you think Yunho is handsome?”
“Sure”
“Sure?”
He stopped playing with the little rock on the ground and looked at me. “Are you blind? Your papa looks like he could be on a TV drama as the lead male”
I giggled. I’ve said that too.
“Nothing like you. Why do you look like a woman?!”
“Yah!” I kicked the rock he left behind, trying to aim it at his head, but it went on the other side of the street. “Are all soccer players so dumb?! I look like my mother! And she was beautiful”
“Doesn’t it get weird sometimes? Hasn’t he ever called you by her name?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean mom even calls me Junho sometimes and my brother and I are not identical. I bet it’s weird to to look at you and see his wife”
The rock had been spiraling in the air without me noting it because right as Junsu stopped talking I felt it hit me in the forehead. Hard. I heard no hallelujah music and saw no blinding lights, but I knew I had just a revelation. The weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.
How could it be that my duck butt friend who had nothing but the names of soccer players and Yoochun’s greasy lips cooking in his brain, figured out my life’s dilemma in less than two minutes while I had been breaking my head about it for so long?
I dropped Junsu’s bag on the ground. “You’re a genius, Junsu! Stop chasing balls and go work with the NASA! I yelled and I ran to my house.
I hurried upstairs and locked myself in my room. Jiji was napping on my bed and I greeted him with a rough pat on his back since I was in such a fervor I couldn’t do it any gentler than that. He’s too fat to run away so he simply moved to the other side of the bed and glared at me.
I opened my closet and reached for the secret spot behind my shoes. There I hide a little treasure which I saved for the sake of memories. Now it’ll be put to use the way it deserves to. It was a box with mom’s personal belongings. I found it when we packed our stuff to move to this house. That time, papa and I went through every single one of the items inside as he reminisced about mom. At the end he choked up and excused himself to the bathroom. I knew he was crying and it broke my heart that I couldn’t comfort him. I don’t get jealous of mom, but I would be lying to him if I say I'll support him if he goes out and meets women. I don’t want him to grow old alone, but he can’t marry anyone. Maybe …just me.
Yunho decided to give the boxes to charity. He said that mama would have preferred that. However, I saved one of the boxes without him knowing and here I am trying on my mom’s clothes and heels in front of the mirror.
“It really fits me, Jiji-ah….Even if I’m taller than mama… It looks good, doesn’t it?… I can’t believe I’m trying them just now…What about this one, JjJi? ...Should I wear this one? I look like a slut in it! It’s so short, but my legs look infinite… I like this dress too. It’s so twirly” I spun around like a ballerina. “I’m already acting like a girl” I laughed to myself, but I was very comfortable wearing dresses.
My legs felt like jelly as I looked through the window and noticed we’re getting close to the Hotel, but I won’t back off. Whatever is meant to happen I will not hesitate, I don’t want to live with the what ifs.
I set a meeting with him. Of course papa doesn’t know it’s me. Yunho thinks he is meeting with an investor who happened to cancel their appointment the day before and moved it for next week, and I happened to take the message from his assistant. It was a sign from Heaven.
The meeting was at 7:30 at the Grand Palace Hotel in the West side of the city. And I was running late, it was 7:46 when the taxi finally parked at the entrance. I couldn’t believe it took me so much time to get ready, but then I had to secure the wig to my hair and that was troublesome. I couldn't ask anyone for help. Then I started to believe it look too fake. I mean I haven't been blonde before in my life.
Make up was a crusade itself and though heels were manageable to wear, walking with them without looking like I just had a hip relocation was another deal. And finally I got a bit carried away and I did my nails. I regret that now. Yunho is very demanding when it comes to work and 20 minutes late for a business meeting is very unacceptable.
Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave.
When I arrived to the dining room, I didn’t need to ask for him, I spotted him right away in his favorite place, the terrace. There he was with his chin on his hand, looking at the city. He didn’t look upset, just a little melancholic. I couldn’t help to smile and wondered what was going through his mind. Was he worried about work or maybe he was thinking of me? All of a sudden I just wanted to take off the heels and jump into his arms and ask him for dinner with me instead, tell him all about my afternoon cross-dressing and the crazy plan I plotted for us tonight. Then I wanted to slap myself.
Don’t blow it Jaejoong. We are on a mission. We must go through this until the end. You put on one of those silicone bras for Christ's Sake. You can do it!
Yes, I'm wearing boobs and I look stunning.
I checked my wig and my dress in the lobby’s mirror and a smile curved my lips. Papa’s jaw was going to drop to the ground. Tonight, after 15 years, he’ll meet mama again and he’ll spend the night with her …and I’ll spend the night with him.
I took a deep breath and started walking towards the love of my life and mama’s life too.
4.B
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I'll post part B tomorrow. It's already done so it's a promise :)
*That's from the movie ParaNorman. The song is Brave by Sara Bareilles.
I'm sorry if you were expecting Jaejoongie from Vacation with the long black wig, but I want so badly to see Jae wearing a blonde and wavy wig. I blame Kuranosuke from Kuragehime, he's another JaeJae in 2D c:
[Spoiler (click to open)]