Spiders in my sleep -Part 4.b-
Title: Spiders in my sleep
Pairings: YunJae
Length: 4/8
Overall Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I was inspired by "Papa to Kiss in the Dark'. If you're familiar with the OVAs and have your reservations about the main theme there, even if it's YJ I would suggest that you don't read this. The story doesn't have any inhibitions about it. If you do like, hope you enjoy :)
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff,
Summary: Everyone is blessed with one special thing. For Jung Jaejoong, it was his father and he needed no more. His father who was his world and he loved deeply, taut filial ties had no favoritism over right and wrong
He covered his mouth. I saw the edges of his mouth go up. He is trying not to laugh at my face. Don't I look good? Don’t I look beautiful? I saw the looks people gave me while I walked through the room. They stopped eating and stared. What's wrong? Do they know I'm a boy? Is something hanging?
There's nothing hanging! Those people are staring at me in awe. I look beautiful! But why is he looking at me like that?
I couldn't even check my clothing because of how humiliated I felt in front of his fixed gaze. Heartbroken would be too insignificant to describe myself, crushed like a cookie in Hulk's hands then ripped into tinier pieces by a thousand ants perhaps.
I believed I could take his breath away. I wanted to. I fantasized that he would have to hide his crotch so I could not see the tent in his pants. I thought that he'd whisper something absolutely Earth shaking to my ear, something I could not wrap my mind around all night because of how memorable and spontaneous it would be.
"What are you doing sweetie?" He asked me as if he had seen a puppy chewing on his slippers.
I was expecting too much. I always am. How can I ever trust this mother fucker? I hate him.
"I'm not sweetie" I barked and turned my head to him. I felt ridiculed. I was no longer Miss South Korea like when I walked inside the hotel, but a stupid boy dressed in her mother's clothes with lipstick smeared on his face and rubber boobs. How could I ever trust that this will be enough for him to look at me differently? I did this to impress him. I tried so hard. I wanted him to remember mom, I can be her if he wants me to. If he needs her, I'll do anything. But he just...
I want to cry.
I looked down and a heavy drop splashed against the Italian floor tiles. I couldn't wipe it cause my makeup will be ruined and I would look more pathetic than I already do. But he did it for me, he gently wiped my tears away like he always does. He leaned on my ear and whispered.
"May I know your name?"
I looked at him and he offered me a smile full of love. More tears wanted to come down, but I wasn't sad. I felt the edge of my mouth curl up and I thought for a minute what to reply and what voice I should use. I hadn't thought of a name for myself. Who am I tonight? Who I want to be?
"...JeJuko"
"Oh, what a beautiful name"
That was my mother's name.
I once believed a curse had been casted upon me by an awful witch. I was afraid of love which had bloomed far away from my control and consent. But I was wrong, it wasn’t a curse and it wasn’t from a dreadful woman, it had been my mother. She gave papa to me, she wanted me to take care of him.
Tick tock tick tock. I could hear papa's watch. This dinner was very uncomfortable. I was making it be. I couldn't look up from my plate and he only watched me eat, he barely touched his food. I was afraid of meeting his eyes and feeling like a fool again. At some point, I was just playing with the leftovers of my dish, I wished I had ordered Mediterranean rice so I could eat it grain by grain.
I felt a hand on my ankle and then my leg was resting on his lap. I choked with my own saliva.
"Your mom loved them" It slipped his mouth. He meant the shoes, they were brand new stilettos. I wonder if my mom had a chance to wear them more than once, but I didn't ask him.
"Don't they hurt?"
"No" I lied.
He continued to touch my feet and trace the details of the shoes. I looked up when his hand was on my thigh, then I looked around. Nobody seemed to notice what was happening behind the tablecloth. I pushed myself further towards him, my eyes still on the food and my cheeks crimson.
"Lace. What color are they?" He put on his child face, how shameles Jung Yunho. He looked so innocent when he asked me about my panties.
"Pink"
"And where is little Joongie?" He chuckled.
"Hidden" I replied as I continued to play with the remaining food.
"Would you like to dance with me?"
To his words, my ears seemed to plug for I noticed at last that people were waltzing in the center of the dinning. There was a band playing, piano and violins.
I saw Yunho's mischievous smile because we have danced plenty of times before. We have done it in the middle of the living room every time we watch Dancing with the Stars. This time I remembered I was wearing a magnificent dress myself, like the actresses and singers in the show. Papa was wearing a tuxedo. So I beamed yes, I wanted to dance. Most importantly, I wanted to dance with him like a real couple does.
He took my hand and led me, holding my waist gently. We waltzed. My overjoyed self, let out a giggle. We shone among the rest of the people.
“Papa, I love you”
“I know princess”
I gawked. I wasn’t supposed to call him papa.
“Yunho…”
“Hmmm?”
I leaned forward to kiss him on the lips. Yes, in the middle of the room, in front of so many strange faces. I was going to make my dream come true. I will kiss him in the middle of a crowd and it wouldn’t seem wrong. It was perfect.
So perfect indeed that it couldn't happen, could it? The band played a different song and stupid Yunho dipped me without any warning and the Earth shook, too hard for my poorly secured wig and for my silicone boobs. Not only I became dizzy for a couple seconds but the unnamable happened and I noticed something wasn't right, better said something was missing. I wanted a sinkhole to magically open so it could swallow me up at that very moment. One of my fake breasts wasn't on my chest anymore, but besides papa's leather shoes.
Everything happened so fast after I saw the skin-colored mass on the floor. I stopped breathing. However papa winked at me and he swirled me and he kicked the boob under one of the tables. And there went my piece of artificial female confidence.
I had a pulse again, but my poise went out with the air I exhaled. I lumped in his arms, buried my face in his shoulder and became a noodle. I was done and gone. I closed my eyes while the music and papa decided my steps.
This is horrible. My life is so embarrassing.
"Are you okay?" He whispered in my ear. He's amused I could tell, but I just want to hide in a cave.
"Papa I want to go"
"What am I ever going to do with you, udon head?"
I felt like he was carrying me to the hotel room bridal style, maybe he was and maybe my butt was showing along with my lace panties, but I didn't care. I was safe in his embrace. Besides tomorrow I will be walking out the doors of this hotel like a boy with medium black hair, this shameful blonde girl who is falling apart right now without even ingesting a drop of alcohol will only be a lost memory in my mind and in other people's minds.
"I want a drink" I told him when he sat me on a stool. He didn't take me to the room. It was a deserted area and there was a bar and those colorful bottles had my name on them.
"I can drink anything! I have it in my blood". I defied his laugh. Yunho has enviable resistance with alcohol.
" Papa Doble, please"
"That's more like it"
"And a chocolate milkshake"
"Hey!"
“You seem to forget you're underage" He explained to me, the bartender snorted.
"But I'm with you". I whined.
He loosened his tie and sighed. "I need a drink and you need to go to sleep" He shut me up.
“Here you go, sir, miss.”
I don't know if it was the dress, the make up, the stilettos or the wig pulling my scalp too tight because I felt very sensitive and while sipping on my milkshake I started weeping.
“How can I ever get drunk with milk and chocolate?” I cried.
Papa gave me two sips of his drink and a kiss. The bartender kept throwing us suspicious looks and I felt the need to clarify.
"I'm his son" I shooed the man away.
Yunho cleaned the remains of milk from my upper lip and then we left the bar. He gave me a piggie ride back to the car because I couldn't stand the shoes any longer. I felt like my feet were bleeding.
"I paid for a room here". I confessed when he was buckling my seatbelt and just before the purr of the engine sent me to sleep. "Would you like to spend the night with me here?"
I had to admit that my traumatizing incident in the middle of the dance floor led me astray from my objective tonight, but I was back in character the moment I realized we were about to leave the hotel and I hadn't even confessed properly. Besides I invested a lot of money in this. I had to sacrifice Jiji's new deluxe cat playhouse which I had been saving for and that wasn’t enough. I had to ask Yoochun and Junsu for money. Changmin wouldn't lend me any.
“Why would you do that, baby?”
“I’m not baby” I insisted.
He gave me a helpless look. I can’t believe he is so naïve sometimes.
I wasn’t ready to tell him the truth, but I trusted my reasoning. I know I can make him understand this. I know he will if I tell him it’s mama’s fault. But first we must make it into the room. He has to see what I prepared.
I shyly took his hand. I do this all the time, but tonight is not the same. I’m so nervous. He squeezed it and my cravings for him arisen. While we were in the elevator, I couldn’t help to think about those predictable films when there’s so much sexual tension between the couple and they end up doing it right there in the elevator. I kept looking at Yunho, maybe he’ll kiss me.
“Look , look Jaejoongie, is that our house? I think I can see Jiji. He made it into the fridge again”.
This man, you can’t take the country boy out of him. He was like a kid inside a cable railway. I wanted to throw him out of the elevator, instead I hugged him.
“Is that little udon head working right tonight?” He asked me.
“No”
The room was perfect. There were scented candles, red roses and silk sheets. It looked like a room for a honeymoon and not the cheap one, the elegant one.
“Is it the right room?” That was his first question. “Jaejoongie?
I locked myself in the bathroom. I was starting to feel sick in my stomach.
What is the worst that can happen? That he sends me to a shrink. What if I disgust him? What if he’s disappointed in me and stops loving me?
I was having a last minute nervous breakdown sitting on the toilet when Yunho walked in the bathroom without a single piece of clothing on and got in the tub.
“There’s rose petals here too. Come on Joongie. Bubble Jacuzzi”
I got on my feet right away and struggled to take off the dress without ripping it when I realized that is not what I was supposed to do, I’m not supposed to get naked and bathe with Yunho before telling him the truth. I sat back on the toilet and rubbed my eyebrows. He was applying like seven different lotions to his hair at the same time. He looked adorable.
“It’s your fault” I told him.
“What is?”
“Everything”
“Papa is at fault of everything again?”
“Yes you are and you can’t hold me accountable for anything because I am your responsibility”
“What did you do now, BooJae?”
“... I fell in love”
“Udon head is a grown up man now if he falls in love and admits it" Despite the ridiculous statement considering that I was on a drag at the moment, he sounded amazed. “Papa had his suspicions”
“But I haven’t told anyone”
“You told me. And you have had papa very busy these couple weeks looking for that boy my Jaejoongie loves so much and who I have to kick out of my house that moment he walks in.”
“Did you find him? You won’t find him”
“Why not?”
“You won’t Yunho. I fell in love with someone I can never be with. Besides he’s not my age, he’s older”
“I see” Suddenly he was earnestly carefree and I was shocked if not annoyed.
“But don’t worry so much as to chase him and shut him in the groin. It’s too late papa. We have done stuff you know?”
“You have?”
His happy-go-lucky tone was starting to really irritate me. “Why aren’t you freaking out? I have French kissed this man and he has seen me naked” I vociferated.
“French kiss?” He laughed. “All right”
“He's also a married man”
“Is that why you dressed yourself like his late wife, sweetie?”
I had my elbow resting on the sink while I talked to him, it slipped as I stared in shock and panic. An unexpected car crash. He knows I’m talking about him. What? How? Was it that obvious? It wasn't! It couldn't be. He has the wits of a frustrated detective.
“You look just like her” He said, with sheer nostalgia in his smile.
“... Really? I look like mama”
“ A lot”
“Like if you were driving and suddenly saw me in the middle of the street you’d crash and still hurt and bleeding you’d chase after me“
“No”
“But..”
He put the sponge away and looked at me, then he stood up from the tub and there he was in his all-magnificent naked glory in front of my eyes.
“She is gone, sweetie. I have lived 15 years of my life without your mother to know that well. I wouldn’t put my life in danger chasing after her resemblance, I’d worry to stay alive so I can stay with you”
Stupid Yunho. I turned to the other side and covered my mouth because I was grinning. With such passionate words, I could feel my knees wobble and I was already sitting. I hate him. His perspective on things is always so blissfully right. He has the power to solve my heartache simply by telling me his thoughts. I love him so much.
“By dressing in her clothes and applying makeup I won’t start calling you by her name, BooJae. You’re you. But if you tell me you want to be like her because there’s something that doesn’t feel right down there, papa will understand and he’ll help you transform sweetheart, until you’re happy with yourself”
HUH?
“You mean...? You think I want to be female?! NO!! I’m happy with myself down there! No! That’s not it, stupid Yunho!!!”
“I was only asking to make sure”
“I didn’t dress like this because I want to be a woman. I just wanted to be mom. For one night. I want to be her. For you”
He gave me a smile, that smile that means I touched something inside him, a nice memory and a nice feeling. That gave me courage to stand up and didn’t threw him a kiss, I threw myself in his arms.
“Kiss me” I closed my eyes and pursued my lips. Yunho laughed and pressed a meek poppo on my cheek.
“You don’t want to be your mama. You, my selfish kitten, only want to take her place”
Maybe I had never understood the love papa has for her. Maybe I have always been jealous of my mom and that’s why I wanted to be her. He never married anyone not because of me, but because of her. He loves her. He still loves her.
“…Aren’t you lonely? I don’t want you to be lonely. I don’t want you to cry when you think of her. I don’t want you to remarry either”
“I’m not lonely, Jaejoong. I won’t remarry. Papa has a beautiful silly boy head over heels in love with him. What else do I need?”
Stupid Yunho. I leaned to his ear and whispered. “Sex.”
He threw me into the bubbling water.
“Papa my wig!” I complained. I was still wearing my femme fatale underwear but I only seem to care about the hair. He took the wig away carefully not to pull my jet black locks.
“You need sex!" I insisted, I wasn't dropping the subject, not in a million years, not after how hard it was for me to get it out of my chest. "It’s been over 10 years! You’re practicing celibacy?! ”
“Is this what they teach you in school?”
“Answer meee~. Would you have rather I brought you a hooker?”
He burst out in laughter and kissed my head. “No, of course not"
Maybe he was only saying that because it would set a bad example to me, but would he really be able to resist if a gorgeous woman dangled her gigantic breasts on his face. Not that would ever bring any woman to him in those conditions, the only woman allowed in our lives is grannie. But today I look like a woman and not any woman, but the one he loved with madness and he wouldn't even look at me.
He woke me from my glummy reverie by pulling my arms up. He helped me take off my bra. Well, at least that showed me he really hasn't practiced with women in these 10 years if he's pulling my bra like that.
“The dress was pretty” I couldn't help the dejected sigh, this was not what I pictured for tonight. I thought this night was going to change everything forever, so far I've only embarrassed myself which is no new news. “I thought it would make you happy.”
“You don’t have to try anything to make me happy. You already do. You’re the only one in my eyes, Jaejoong”
“Well, I'm an only child”
I let those words linger in my mind while I felt the sponge on my body going up and down and the ticklish bubbles of the tub that massaged my butt and feet. If I were to fall sleep right now, little Joongie will grew up like a flag pole and poke Yunho in the eye. I would dream of his hand going in between my legs, curling around my little treasure, and stroking it ever so gently.
I splashed my hand against the water before any unwelcomed erections made their appearance.
“What are you thinking?” He poked my forehead with a smirk on his lips.
“You really don’t understand!” I barked and startled him. “I’m in a tricky stage of my life right now and you’ve worsened things for me. Imagine someone dieting and every day there’s pizza and cheesecake for dinner in his house”
“You’re underweight, Jaejoong”
“I’m trying to keep my dreams normal! But you you... YOU!" I pointed at his face with an impolite index finger and deflated almost instantly, my back against the cold tub wall, seeing his preposterous, cluessles and yet worried face. "You are chocolate cake, papa. Parents are supposed to be annoying and boring, like old bread pudding with too many raisins" I muttered. "Papa isn't old. You’re chewy and fudgy and soft”
“Sweetie" He called me with a charming smile tugging his lips which I refused to see. Maybe it was really my fault, for seeing what I should not see. "We didn't order desert. Do you want some?”
I sighed. He didn't understand, did he? He was never going to understand. And I should have given up and felt thankful for he could look at me so purely without second thoughts on my intentions, as obvious as they could be sometimes. I should be thankful for the love I got already... but I wanted more. I couldn't help it.
“What if want to do it... with you?"
"It?"
Just how much clearer does he...? Or is it that he's dodging me because what kind of idiotic question really? Is he avoiding this to the last, most stupid extents? Is it that he isn't ready to face this? So he decides on torturing me by dismissing me and pleading ignorance? No, this is his fault too. And it was time, because it was a burden that was constricting my chest and he is the only one I could ever tell. He has to listen.
"Yes! It! Making sexy, the nasty nasty!" I felt the heat burn my cheeks and ears, but there was also pleasure in the way I let the words out of my mouth "SEX!"
It must be some cute occurrence from a little boy, because of the way he laughed. This is the most serious I’ve been in my life and yet he made me feel like I was a 2 year old asking a grown up question. Maybe I was, maybe this was not worth the gravity I thought it had. My feelings were laughable and I was even more laughable for taking them seriously.
“Come out” He held a towel and wrapped it around me.
“You really think papa is at fault of that?”
I bobbed my head yes.
“Really?” He continued to dry me up my hair.
“…Do you have to do yoga every morning wearing those tight black shorts?”
That is just another thing. I try to leave early for school so I don’t see him doing his yoga poses before work. The man is ridiculously flexible. He always wants me to do it with him, but I hate it, not only because I have no strength in my hips and I get dizzy with the breathing techniques, but it is dangerous. Yes, yoga is letal for Jaejoong when Yunho is his instructor. Stupid papa wears almost nothing while doing all kind of complex positions which although not particularly sexual, he makes them seem like the Kama sutra.
“I guess I’ll wear baggy pants and a T-shirt from now on ok?”
I was looking at the wet floor because of the amount of shame on my shoulders that was pulling me down like an anchor. “It’s all right. I won’t look” I muttered.
“And do you want to look?”
“I’m not supposed to”
“Why not?”
“I’ll dream stuff”
“Ohhh those dreams. Is dreaming with papa so horrible?”
My dreams with Yunho are nothing but pleasurable. I even look forward to go to sleep sometimes I manage to kick aside my conscience.
“Yes, they are horrible”
“Why is that? Papa hurts you?”
I shook my head no.
“Why then?”
I realized I was helpless to give an answer that was worthy of any reason. But instead of feeling embarrassed like every single time, I simply resigned myself and let my instincts do the job. I pulled Yunho closer from the collar of his robe.
“Papa if you reject my kiss, I would never ever speak to you again and I’ll move to Okinawa with grandma” Believing the agonized tone of my voice, I leaned closer to Yunho and took his lips with mine.
“BooJae wakie wakie”
I opened my eyes and realized I was in the tub. There were bubles, there was foam, there was a sponge, but there was no erection or semen on my hand.
“What are you thinking?” He poked my forehead with a smirk on his lips. Maybe because I couldn’t stop looking at my penis.
He then poked little Joongie and I jumped.
“Good dream?" He helped me spread my legs apart and bend my back.
“Hold that position for as long as you can, baby” He instructed me while he looked for something in the bathroom cabinets.
“Papa why am I doing yoga in the tub?”
“Curve your back a little more. It’ll help you relax the anal sphincter”
“Oh, I see. The anal sphincter” The WHAT?
“I wouldn’t believe they’re so stingy with this stuff” I was lookign at him with my jaw in my hands, then I saw that there was a small tube in his hand and it was no cream for mosquito bites.
“Papa you prefer me over my teacher?”
"Ready?" He placed himself in front of my butt. I nodded my head and gave him a timid kiss.
“Yes, Jaejoongie”
"I must be mad for how much I love you" He kissed me back and I let my tongue dance against his teeth, my body shook in instant pleasure.
“What about my science teacher? She’s even prettier than my drawing teacher”
"Are you cold?" He asked me as I kept shaking, but it wasn't because I was cold, I was the warmest I had been in my life wrapped in his body, I was shaking because of him. I was overwhelmed with excitement and yes worry, but the one that makes you laugh, not cry. It was happening and it was not a dream. I wasn’t wearing my mom’s clothes either. He wanted me.
“Papa prefers you over any of your teachers and any girl”
I tightened my legs around him. I gave him another kiss, but this time my tongue explore deeper inside his mouth. Papa takes delicious. My heart was racing and it skipped a beat when he replied with the same passion.
It is time, time to let go and rise up, rise up, rise up Jaejoong. "It hurts." I cried.
"I know, I know, sweetie. Shhh. Close your eyes, relax. Listen to your heartbeat. Feel my body. Let go"
“Yunho, really you prefer me over any woman?”
I closed my eyes and focused on the rhythm of our heartbeats. I focused on the feel of his hips moving against mine. The muscles of my butt which were tender and hurt. Tiny prickles that I was starting to like. My member which was weeping to the touch of his thigh.
“What have I told you about calling me Yunho, young man?”
Deep. Very deep. It was the first and only thought I could grasp when he pressed inside me completely. There was pain, but there was something comforting and yet frightening. I couldn't control it. There was a spot in my body and I saw sparks when papa touched it. I heard his strong breathing as he moved a little faster against me. I stopped breathing, but I was moaning. I don't know where I got the air to do that.
"Papa". I groaned. The sparks inside me turned into violent, rampant fire, it wanted to eat me alive. I moaned incoherently. It was too much and too good. My mind stopped responding, it was only my body and my heart. I was feeling raw sensations I had never known before and would become addicted to. I moaned harder while tears spilled from my eyes. He kissed them.
“What if she looks like Jeon Jihyun, you still prefer me?”
I wanted to scream, but I lost my voice, only whimpers and pants came out. "I don’t want to die". I cried out and he hugged me tenderly.
"You won't die, sweetheart"
“Uh huh”
I pulled him from the neck and bit his mouth like a famishing dog does with a juicy bone. I almost fainted when my cum came out in spurs. I never felt this before, but it was the best feeling of my life. And I started laughing like a maniac. Papa should be proclaimed national cure to depression, no need to invest in soldiers for the army, let’s make more men like Yunho and the world will be a much happier place.
“Then maybe you’re gay, papa”
I realized two important things the best night of my life:
One. No dream could ever compare to what it is like in reality.
Two. Maybe papa loves me a tiny bit more than he loves mom.
“Maybe I am, sweetie”
____________________________________________________________________________
I don't even know about this part lol. Throw tomatoes, I can't defend it. I just hope it feels honest. Feedback is always loved! ;D
Pairings: YunJae
Length: 4/8
Overall Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I was inspired by "Papa to Kiss in the Dark'. If you're familiar with the OVAs and have your reservations about the main theme there, even if it's YJ I would suggest that you don't read this. The story doesn't have any inhibitions about it. If you do like, hope you enjoy :)
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff,
Summary: Everyone is blessed with one special thing. For Jung Jaejoong, it was his father and he needed no more. His father who was his world and he loved deeply, taut filial ties had no favoritism over right and wrong
He covered his mouth. I saw the edges of his mouth go up. He is trying not to laugh at my face. Don't I look good? Don’t I look beautiful? I saw the looks people gave me while I walked through the room. They stopped eating and stared. What's wrong? Do they know I'm a boy? Is something hanging?
There's nothing hanging! Those people are staring at me in awe. I look beautiful! But why is he looking at me like that?
I couldn't even check my clothing because of how humiliated I felt in front of his fixed gaze. Heartbroken would be too insignificant to describe myself, crushed like a cookie in Hulk's hands then ripped into tinier pieces by a thousand ants perhaps.
I believed I could take his breath away. I wanted to. I fantasized that he would have to hide his crotch so I could not see the tent in his pants. I thought that he'd whisper something absolutely Earth shaking to my ear, something I could not wrap my mind around all night because of how memorable and spontaneous it would be.
"What are you doing sweetie?" He asked me as if he had seen a puppy chewing on his slippers.
I was expecting too much. I always am. How can I ever trust this mother fucker? I hate him.
"I'm not sweetie" I barked and turned my head to him. I felt ridiculed. I was no longer Miss South Korea like when I walked inside the hotel, but a stupid boy dressed in her mother's clothes with lipstick smeared on his face and rubber boobs. How could I ever trust that this will be enough for him to look at me differently? I did this to impress him. I tried so hard. I wanted him to remember mom, I can be her if he wants me to. If he needs her, I'll do anything. But he just...
I want to cry.
I looked down and a heavy drop splashed against the Italian floor tiles. I couldn't wipe it cause my makeup will be ruined and I would look more pathetic than I already do. But he did it for me, he gently wiped my tears away like he always does. He leaned on my ear and whispered.
"May I know your name?"
I looked at him and he offered me a smile full of love. More tears wanted to come down, but I wasn't sad. I felt the edge of my mouth curl up and I thought for a minute what to reply and what voice I should use. I hadn't thought of a name for myself. Who am I tonight? Who I want to be?
"...JeJuko"
"Oh, what a beautiful name"
That was my mother's name.
I once believed a curse had been casted upon me by an awful witch. I was afraid of love which had bloomed far away from my control and consent. But I was wrong, it wasn’t a curse and it wasn’t from a dreadful woman, it had been my mother. She gave papa to me, she wanted me to take care of him.
Tick tock tick tock. I could hear papa's watch. This dinner was very uncomfortable. I was making it be. I couldn't look up from my plate and he only watched me eat, he barely touched his food. I was afraid of meeting his eyes and feeling like a fool again. At some point, I was just playing with the leftovers of my dish, I wished I had ordered Mediterranean rice so I could eat it grain by grain.
I felt a hand on my ankle and then my leg was resting on his lap. I choked with my own saliva.
"Your mom loved them" It slipped his mouth. He meant the shoes, they were brand new stilettos. I wonder if my mom had a chance to wear them more than once, but I didn't ask him.
"Don't they hurt?"
"No" I lied.
He continued to touch my feet and trace the details of the shoes. I looked up when his hand was on my thigh, then I looked around. Nobody seemed to notice what was happening behind the tablecloth. I pushed myself further towards him, my eyes still on the food and my cheeks crimson.
"Lace. What color are they?" He put on his child face, how shameles Jung Yunho. He looked so innocent when he asked me about my panties.
"Pink"
"And where is little Joongie?" He chuckled.
"Hidden" I replied as I continued to play with the remaining food.
"Would you like to dance with me?"
To his words, my ears seemed to plug for I noticed at last that people were waltzing in the center of the dinning. There was a band playing, piano and violins.
I saw Yunho's mischievous smile because we have danced plenty of times before. We have done it in the middle of the living room every time we watch Dancing with the Stars. This time I remembered I was wearing a magnificent dress myself, like the actresses and singers in the show. Papa was wearing a tuxedo. So I beamed yes, I wanted to dance. Most importantly, I wanted to dance with him like a real couple does.
He took my hand and led me, holding my waist gently. We waltzed. My overjoyed self, let out a giggle. We shone among the rest of the people.
“Papa, I love you”
“I know princess”
I gawked. I wasn’t supposed to call him papa.
“Yunho…”
“Hmmm?”
I leaned forward to kiss him on the lips. Yes, in the middle of the room, in front of so many strange faces. I was going to make my dream come true. I will kiss him in the middle of a crowd and it wouldn’t seem wrong. It was perfect.
So perfect indeed that it couldn't happen, could it? The band played a different song and stupid Yunho dipped me without any warning and the Earth shook, too hard for my poorly secured wig and for my silicone boobs. Not only I became dizzy for a couple seconds but the unnamable happened and I noticed something wasn't right, better said something was missing. I wanted a sinkhole to magically open so it could swallow me up at that very moment. One of my fake breasts wasn't on my chest anymore, but besides papa's leather shoes.
Everything happened so fast after I saw the skin-colored mass on the floor. I stopped breathing. However papa winked at me and he swirled me and he kicked the boob under one of the tables. And there went my piece of artificial female confidence.
I had a pulse again, but my poise went out with the air I exhaled. I lumped in his arms, buried my face in his shoulder and became a noodle. I was done and gone. I closed my eyes while the music and papa decided my steps.
This is horrible. My life is so embarrassing.
"Are you okay?" He whispered in my ear. He's amused I could tell, but I just want to hide in a cave.
"Papa I want to go"
"What am I ever going to do with you, udon head?"
I felt like he was carrying me to the hotel room bridal style, maybe he was and maybe my butt was showing along with my lace panties, but I didn't care. I was safe in his embrace. Besides tomorrow I will be walking out the doors of this hotel like a boy with medium black hair, this shameful blonde girl who is falling apart right now without even ingesting a drop of alcohol will only be a lost memory in my mind and in other people's minds.
"I want a drink" I told him when he sat me on a stool. He didn't take me to the room. It was a deserted area and there was a bar and those colorful bottles had my name on them.
"I can drink anything! I have it in my blood". I defied his laugh. Yunho has enviable resistance with alcohol.
" Papa Doble, please"
"That's more like it"
"And a chocolate milkshake"
"Hey!"
“You seem to forget you're underage" He explained to me, the bartender snorted.
"But I'm with you". I whined.
He loosened his tie and sighed. "I need a drink and you need to go to sleep" He shut me up.
“Here you go, sir, miss.”
I don't know if it was the dress, the make up, the stilettos or the wig pulling my scalp too tight because I felt very sensitive and while sipping on my milkshake I started weeping.
“How can I ever get drunk with milk and chocolate?” I cried.
Papa gave me two sips of his drink and a kiss. The bartender kept throwing us suspicious looks and I felt the need to clarify.
"I'm his son" I shooed the man away.
Yunho cleaned the remains of milk from my upper lip and then we left the bar. He gave me a piggie ride back to the car because I couldn't stand the shoes any longer. I felt like my feet were bleeding.
"I paid for a room here". I confessed when he was buckling my seatbelt and just before the purr of the engine sent me to sleep. "Would you like to spend the night with me here?"
I had to admit that my traumatizing incident in the middle of the dance floor led me astray from my objective tonight, but I was back in character the moment I realized we were about to leave the hotel and I hadn't even confessed properly. Besides I invested a lot of money in this. I had to sacrifice Jiji's new deluxe cat playhouse which I had been saving for and that wasn’t enough. I had to ask Yoochun and Junsu for money. Changmin wouldn't lend me any.
“Why would you do that, baby?”
“I’m not baby” I insisted.
He gave me a helpless look. I can’t believe he is so naïve sometimes.
I wasn’t ready to tell him the truth, but I trusted my reasoning. I know I can make him understand this. I know he will if I tell him it’s mama’s fault. But first we must make it into the room. He has to see what I prepared.
I shyly took his hand. I do this all the time, but tonight is not the same. I’m so nervous. He squeezed it and my cravings for him arisen. While we were in the elevator, I couldn’t help to think about those predictable films when there’s so much sexual tension between the couple and they end up doing it right there in the elevator. I kept looking at Yunho, maybe he’ll kiss me.
“Look , look Jaejoongie, is that our house? I think I can see Jiji. He made it into the fridge again”.
This man, you can’t take the country boy out of him. He was like a kid inside a cable railway. I wanted to throw him out of the elevator, instead I hugged him.
“Is that little udon head working right tonight?” He asked me.
“No”
The room was perfect. There were scented candles, red roses and silk sheets. It looked like a room for a honeymoon and not the cheap one, the elegant one.
“Is it the right room?” That was his first question. “Jaejoongie?
I locked myself in the bathroom. I was starting to feel sick in my stomach.
What is the worst that can happen? That he sends me to a shrink. What if I disgust him? What if he’s disappointed in me and stops loving me?
I was having a last minute nervous breakdown sitting on the toilet when Yunho walked in the bathroom without a single piece of clothing on and got in the tub.
“There’s rose petals here too. Come on Joongie. Bubble Jacuzzi”
I got on my feet right away and struggled to take off the dress without ripping it when I realized that is not what I was supposed to do, I’m not supposed to get naked and bathe with Yunho before telling him the truth. I sat back on the toilet and rubbed my eyebrows. He was applying like seven different lotions to his hair at the same time. He looked adorable.
“It’s your fault” I told him.
“What is?”
“Everything”
“Papa is at fault of everything again?”
“Yes you are and you can’t hold me accountable for anything because I am your responsibility”
“What did you do now, BooJae?”
“... I fell in love”
“Udon head is a grown up man now if he falls in love and admits it" Despite the ridiculous statement considering that I was on a drag at the moment, he sounded amazed. “Papa had his suspicions”
“But I haven’t told anyone”
“You told me. And you have had papa very busy these couple weeks looking for that boy my Jaejoongie loves so much and who I have to kick out of my house that moment he walks in.”
“Did you find him? You won’t find him”
“Why not?”
“You won’t Yunho. I fell in love with someone I can never be with. Besides he’s not my age, he’s older”
“I see” Suddenly he was earnestly carefree and I was shocked if not annoyed.
“But don’t worry so much as to chase him and shut him in the groin. It’s too late papa. We have done stuff you know?”
“You have?”
His happy-go-lucky tone was starting to really irritate me. “Why aren’t you freaking out? I have French kissed this man and he has seen me naked” I vociferated.
“French kiss?” He laughed. “All right”
“He's also a married man”
“Is that why you dressed yourself like his late wife, sweetie?”
I had my elbow resting on the sink while I talked to him, it slipped as I stared in shock and panic. An unexpected car crash. He knows I’m talking about him. What? How? Was it that obvious? It wasn't! It couldn't be. He has the wits of a frustrated detective.
“You look just like her” He said, with sheer nostalgia in his smile.
“... Really? I look like mama”
“ A lot”
“Like if you were driving and suddenly saw me in the middle of the street you’d crash and still hurt and bleeding you’d chase after me“
“No”
“But..”
He put the sponge away and looked at me, then he stood up from the tub and there he was in his all-magnificent naked glory in front of my eyes.
“She is gone, sweetie. I have lived 15 years of my life without your mother to know that well. I wouldn’t put my life in danger chasing after her resemblance, I’d worry to stay alive so I can stay with you”
Stupid Yunho. I turned to the other side and covered my mouth because I was grinning. With such passionate words, I could feel my knees wobble and I was already sitting. I hate him. His perspective on things is always so blissfully right. He has the power to solve my heartache simply by telling me his thoughts. I love him so much.
“By dressing in her clothes and applying makeup I won’t start calling you by her name, BooJae. You’re you. But if you tell me you want to be like her because there’s something that doesn’t feel right down there, papa will understand and he’ll help you transform sweetheart, until you’re happy with yourself”
HUH?
“You mean...? You think I want to be female?! NO!! I’m happy with myself down there! No! That’s not it, stupid Yunho!!!”
“I was only asking to make sure”
“I didn’t dress like this because I want to be a woman. I just wanted to be mom. For one night. I want to be her. For you”
He gave me a smile, that smile that means I touched something inside him, a nice memory and a nice feeling. That gave me courage to stand up and didn’t threw him a kiss, I threw myself in his arms.
“Kiss me” I closed my eyes and pursued my lips. Yunho laughed and pressed a meek poppo on my cheek.
“You don’t want to be your mama. You, my selfish kitten, only want to take her place”
Maybe I had never understood the love papa has for her. Maybe I have always been jealous of my mom and that’s why I wanted to be her. He never married anyone not because of me, but because of her. He loves her. He still loves her.
“…Aren’t you lonely? I don’t want you to be lonely. I don’t want you to cry when you think of her. I don’t want you to remarry either”
“I’m not lonely, Jaejoong. I won’t remarry. Papa has a beautiful silly boy head over heels in love with him. What else do I need?”
Stupid Yunho. I leaned to his ear and whispered. “Sex.”
He threw me into the bubbling water.
“Papa my wig!” I complained. I was still wearing my femme fatale underwear but I only seem to care about the hair. He took the wig away carefully not to pull my jet black locks.
“You need sex!" I insisted, I wasn't dropping the subject, not in a million years, not after how hard it was for me to get it out of my chest. "It’s been over 10 years! You’re practicing celibacy?! ”
“Is this what they teach you in school?”
“Answer meee~. Would you have rather I brought you a hooker?”
He burst out in laughter and kissed my head. “No, of course not"
Maybe he was only saying that because it would set a bad example to me, but would he really be able to resist if a gorgeous woman dangled her gigantic breasts on his face. Not that would ever bring any woman to him in those conditions, the only woman allowed in our lives is grannie. But today I look like a woman and not any woman, but the one he loved with madness and he wouldn't even look at me.
He woke me from my glummy reverie by pulling my arms up. He helped me take off my bra. Well, at least that showed me he really hasn't practiced with women in these 10 years if he's pulling my bra like that.
“The dress was pretty” I couldn't help the dejected sigh, this was not what I pictured for tonight. I thought this night was going to change everything forever, so far I've only embarrassed myself which is no new news. “I thought it would make you happy.”
“You don’t have to try anything to make me happy. You already do. You’re the only one in my eyes, Jaejoong”
“Well, I'm an only child”
I let those words linger in my mind while I felt the sponge on my body going up and down and the ticklish bubbles of the tub that massaged my butt and feet. If I were to fall sleep right now, little Joongie will grew up like a flag pole and poke Yunho in the eye. I would dream of his hand going in between my legs, curling around my little treasure, and stroking it ever so gently.
I splashed my hand against the water before any unwelcomed erections made their appearance.
“What are you thinking?” He poked my forehead with a smirk on his lips.
“You really don’t understand!” I barked and startled him. “I’m in a tricky stage of my life right now and you’ve worsened things for me. Imagine someone dieting and every day there’s pizza and cheesecake for dinner in his house”
“You’re underweight, Jaejoong”
“I’m trying to keep my dreams normal! But you you... YOU!" I pointed at his face with an impolite index finger and deflated almost instantly, my back against the cold tub wall, seeing his preposterous, cluessles and yet worried face. "You are chocolate cake, papa. Parents are supposed to be annoying and boring, like old bread pudding with too many raisins" I muttered. "Papa isn't old. You’re chewy and fudgy and soft”
“Sweetie" He called me with a charming smile tugging his lips which I refused to see. Maybe it was really my fault, for seeing what I should not see. "We didn't order desert. Do you want some?”
I sighed. He didn't understand, did he? He was never going to understand. And I should have given up and felt thankful for he could look at me so purely without second thoughts on my intentions, as obvious as they could be sometimes. I should be thankful for the love I got already... but I wanted more. I couldn't help it.
“What if want to do it... with you?"
"It?"
Just how much clearer does he...? Or is it that he's dodging me because what kind of idiotic question really? Is he avoiding this to the last, most stupid extents? Is it that he isn't ready to face this? So he decides on torturing me by dismissing me and pleading ignorance? No, this is his fault too. And it was time, because it was a burden that was constricting my chest and he is the only one I could ever tell. He has to listen.
"Yes! It! Making sexy, the nasty nasty!" I felt the heat burn my cheeks and ears, but there was also pleasure in the way I let the words out of my mouth "SEX!"
It must be some cute occurrence from a little boy, because of the way he laughed. This is the most serious I’ve been in my life and yet he made me feel like I was a 2 year old asking a grown up question. Maybe I was, maybe this was not worth the gravity I thought it had. My feelings were laughable and I was even more laughable for taking them seriously.
“Come out” He held a towel and wrapped it around me.
“You really think papa is at fault of that?”
I bobbed my head yes.
“Really?” He continued to dry me up my hair.
“…Do you have to do yoga every morning wearing those tight black shorts?”
That is just another thing. I try to leave early for school so I don’t see him doing his yoga poses before work. The man is ridiculously flexible. He always wants me to do it with him, but I hate it, not only because I have no strength in my hips and I get dizzy with the breathing techniques, but it is dangerous. Yes, yoga is letal for Jaejoong when Yunho is his instructor. Stupid papa wears almost nothing while doing all kind of complex positions which although not particularly sexual, he makes them seem like the Kama sutra.
“I guess I’ll wear baggy pants and a T-shirt from now on ok?”
I was looking at the wet floor because of the amount of shame on my shoulders that was pulling me down like an anchor. “It’s all right. I won’t look” I muttered.
“And do you want to look?”
“I’m not supposed to”
“Why not?”
“I’ll dream stuff”
“Ohhh those dreams. Is dreaming with papa so horrible?”
My dreams with Yunho are nothing but pleasurable. I even look forward to go to sleep sometimes I manage to kick aside my conscience.
“Yes, they are horrible”
“Why is that? Papa hurts you?”
I shook my head no.
“Why then?”
I realized I was helpless to give an answer that was worthy of any reason. But instead of feeling embarrassed like every single time, I simply resigned myself and let my instincts do the job. I pulled Yunho closer from the collar of his robe.
“Papa if you reject my kiss, I would never ever speak to you again and I’ll move to Okinawa with grandma” Believing the agonized tone of my voice, I leaned closer to Yunho and took his lips with mine.
“BooJae wakie wakie”
I opened my eyes and realized I was in the tub. There were bubles, there was foam, there was a sponge, but there was no erection or semen on my hand.
“What are you thinking?” He poked my forehead with a smirk on his lips. Maybe because I couldn’t stop looking at my penis.
He then poked little Joongie and I jumped.
“Good dream?" He helped me spread my legs apart and bend my back.
“Hold that position for as long as you can, baby” He instructed me while he looked for something in the bathroom cabinets.
“Papa why am I doing yoga in the tub?”
“Curve your back a little more. It’ll help you relax the anal sphincter”
“Oh, I see. The anal sphincter” The WHAT?
“I wouldn’t believe they’re so stingy with this stuff” I was lookign at him with my jaw in my hands, then I saw that there was a small tube in his hand and it was no cream for mosquito bites.
“Papa you prefer me over my teacher?”
"Ready?" He placed himself in front of my butt. I nodded my head and gave him a timid kiss.
“Yes, Jaejoongie”
"I must be mad for how much I love you" He kissed me back and I let my tongue dance against his teeth, my body shook in instant pleasure.
“What about my science teacher? She’s even prettier than my drawing teacher”
"Are you cold?" He asked me as I kept shaking, but it wasn't because I was cold, I was the warmest I had been in my life wrapped in his body, I was shaking because of him. I was overwhelmed with excitement and yes worry, but the one that makes you laugh, not cry. It was happening and it was not a dream. I wasn’t wearing my mom’s clothes either. He wanted me.
“Papa prefers you over any of your teachers and any girl”
I tightened my legs around him. I gave him another kiss, but this time my tongue explore deeper inside his mouth. Papa takes delicious. My heart was racing and it skipped a beat when he replied with the same passion.
It is time, time to let go and rise up, rise up, rise up Jaejoong. "It hurts." I cried.
"I know, I know, sweetie. Shhh. Close your eyes, relax. Listen to your heartbeat. Feel my body. Let go"
“Yunho, really you prefer me over any woman?”
I closed my eyes and focused on the rhythm of our heartbeats. I focused on the feel of his hips moving against mine. The muscles of my butt which were tender and hurt. Tiny prickles that I was starting to like. My member which was weeping to the touch of his thigh.
“What have I told you about calling me Yunho, young man?”
Deep. Very deep. It was the first and only thought I could grasp when he pressed inside me completely. There was pain, but there was something comforting and yet frightening. I couldn't control it. There was a spot in my body and I saw sparks when papa touched it. I heard his strong breathing as he moved a little faster against me. I stopped breathing, but I was moaning. I don't know where I got the air to do that.
"Papa". I groaned. The sparks inside me turned into violent, rampant fire, it wanted to eat me alive. I moaned incoherently. It was too much and too good. My mind stopped responding, it was only my body and my heart. I was feeling raw sensations I had never known before and would become addicted to. I moaned harder while tears spilled from my eyes. He kissed them.
“What if she looks like Jeon Jihyun, you still prefer me?”
I wanted to scream, but I lost my voice, only whimpers and pants came out. "I don’t want to die". I cried out and he hugged me tenderly.
"You won't die, sweetheart"
“Uh huh”
I pulled him from the neck and bit his mouth like a famishing dog does with a juicy bone. I almost fainted when my cum came out in spurs. I never felt this before, but it was the best feeling of my life. And I started laughing like a maniac. Papa should be proclaimed national cure to depression, no need to invest in soldiers for the army, let’s make more men like Yunho and the world will be a much happier place.
“Then maybe you’re gay, papa”
I realized two important things the best night of my life:
One. No dream could ever compare to what it is like in reality.
Two. Maybe papa loves me a tiny bit more than he loves mom.
“Maybe I am, sweetie”
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I don't even know about this part lol. Throw tomatoes, I can't defend it. I just hope it feels honest. Feedback is always loved! ;D