Spiders in my sleep -Part 7-
Title: Spiders in my sleep
Pairings: YunJae
Length: 7/8
Overall Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Inspired by 'Papa to Kiss in the Dark'. Incest. Not inhibitions. Read at your own risk
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff,
Summary: Everyone is blessed with one special thing. For Jung Jaejoong, it was his father and he needed no more. His father who was his world and he loved deeply, taut filial ties had no favoritism over right and wrong.
Is there a nice way to do something like this?
I took a big breath to inflate my chest as replacement for the courage I lacked. I gave him a kiss on the lips, then two steps back and I opened my arms wide. I closed my eyes.
“It’s not a fair trade, but I break your heart, you break my jaw”
“Break your jaw, are you crazy?”
“Seunghyun-ah, you are my best friend and I have never lied when I say that I love you, but … there are things I haven’t told you. Things I’ve done and I regret, but I did”
Yes, I was telling Seunghyun the truth. I practiced what I was going to say because it would be a mess and I kept my eyes closed while I did it because I didn’t want to see how much it will hurt him. I would give in before I was done. I expected to be afraid, but once I started speaking, it flowed like water out of a dam. I couldn’t hold back and my tears matched the haste of my words. Nobody deserves to be lied and cheated, but from all people, I did it to the one man who I knew loved me so purely.
I admitted about the guys I met and kissed and that some even became one-night stands, just reckless impulses I wish I could turn back. I wanted him to know that there had been someone in my life and that I had met those other men because I refused to let go of the past.
“He was in my life for a long, long time. I didn’t allow myself to love fully after him because I had hope... I feel my heart doesn’t listen to what I want. I knew there was never hope for us, but I kept the grudge for far too long… It’s over now. I want to move on and I want your forgiveness more than anything because I want to be with you. I’m in love with you”
I didn’t scrunch my face, I wanted to be hit to a pulp if that would make Seunghyun feel better, but not a wisp of air touched me. He didn’t lay a finger on me. He was there, simply sitting on the sand.
“You are?” His tone was detached and weary. I worried that he wouldn’t believe me and well, could I even ask him for that? Why would he believe me a liar and a cheater?
“Hit me” I begged and took a hold of his hand, tried to fist it, but he pulled it back. “I’ll be glad to take a punch for you.” I was desperate.
“I won’t do that. Don’t be silly”
“Why aren’t you mad?”
“…I already knew there was someone else. I have known for quite a while. When you get drunk Jaejoong, really drunk, you start to cry just like brokenhearted men do, did you know that?” He finally met my eyes, but I looked away, I couldn’t bear it.
“I know you’ve been hurting. Ever since we started living together. Those times when I found you sitting by the window, you could stay there for hours if I didn’t say a word, you didn’t notice when I entered the flat. If I asked, you said it was nothing; that you missed home. I wondered who is home? Then I started having suspicions you were actually meeting that man because every time when I came home after weeks of touring, you were oddly too attentive to me, you wouldn’t fight me, you were submissive, but also you wouldn’t even look at me in the eyes… Like right now… But now I know it was a different guy each time”
I tried to hold back the bitter tears coming all the way from my heart and pooling my eyes. There was a reassured voice inside my head repeating: It’s over. It’s over. You’re not going everywhere past this, not with him. It’s over. I didn’t want to believe that but why wasn’t he yelling at me? Where were his heated reproaches or punches to the air or the sand or to my face? Seunghyun wasn’t hurt and furious, he was hurt and resigned.
His next words, however ...
“It’s your father, isn’t it. You’re in love with him.”
The earth beneath my feet quaked. Hard. And I stood there, frozen and dumbstruck. I didn’t feel the cold water splash against my ankles, didn’t hear the waves crash against the rocks, only the echo of Seunghyun’s words which weren’t a question, he looked at me with so much certainty.
“You don’t know how stupid I feel. All this time you told me who he was. He is the only man you ever talk about, the one you always want to call whenever you get drunk. It didn’t make sense, he is your dad, but then I met him. I finally met him and I saw you around him. Almost like I hadn’t seen you before, not with eyes wide open. The way you blush and laugh with him; the playful, flirty eyes yet so innocent, the touches you give him. It made sense. He makes you glow in a way I haven’t been able to. I saw it and felt so much jealousy. I had this anger inside me when I looked at you together, but he is your father, how can I be jealous?”
I had to cover my mouth to repress the surge of sobs that wanted to break free. I’ve been making excuses for my feelings for as long as I can remember. These feelings that I can’t get rid of. You start to know yourself from either embracing or fighting these feelings. I have done both through the curse of my life. But they are a part of me, Yunho is a part of who I am.
“I have always been by his side, I have always had him and then he let go. He sent me away and I crumbled. My heart would race when I couldn’t find him. I didn’t have anyone who made me feel safe and loved.” An awful tremor rocked through me as I remembered, the days before I had Seunghyun with me were very cold. Abandoment is icy.
“But you were there for me. You held me and protected me. You made me feel worthy. I love you Seunghyun-ah. Please believe that”
There was a moment of silence only broken by the sound of the tide and birds in the distance. It was almost comforting, but I didn’t dare come near Seunghyun. Tears were still flowing freely and there was a lot left to say. We both knew it. But I’d expurgate the facts first than disclose my darkest secret. I couldn’t let him know that my adoration for Yunho had expressed itself not only platonically, but sexually. If he were to despise me for loving him with my body…
“That night at your grandmother’s house during Christmas Eve” He began after a pause and a deep breath. “You didn’t want to have sex with me. You said it was because your father was in the house, and that we should wait. But you crawled out of bed in the middle of the night and you… you went to him. I saw you... You kissed him and you teased him. You asked him to have sex with you… You said it would be the last time”
At fault of every charge, I was rhe one to dig my own grave, opened the casket and threw myself inside. My last words, lies and more lies. That night after we opened our presents, grannie let Seunghyun and I take the guest room because of the mess in the living room. It’s true, in Seunghyun’s warmth I didn’t find the solace I craved, and couldn’t sleep. I looked for papa instead. But I couldn’t just lay there by his side like I promised myself I would. I wanted more and so to quieten down my conscience, I told myself that it was all right because it’d be the last time, it’d be closure. To my great surprise and for the first time since I have lucid memory, Yunho said no, he told me to go back to Seunghyun.
“Before that night and even if I could almost confirm that you two had that type of relationship, I had told myself that I was wrong and that I shouldn’t entertain those thoughts because you didn’t have your mom and it was all right that you were so close…” He was looking at me, not with anger or disgust, it was worry. “When I gave you the ring, I was willing to overlook and believe I had been unfair with you, but …I saw you, how you kissed him, the things you said to him”
Tears spilled from my eyes without control. No need for Seunghyun to beat my face if the truth decides to strike instead. Silently lurking in the corner, it finally rose indomitable in front of me, unforgiving, I felt squashed by its weight.
“Are you disgusted by me? Do you think there’s something wrong in my head? Do you think I’ll become a serial killer and kill papa and kill myself? I won’t do that. These feelings that I have and are scary to you, I’m not afraid of them.” I rambled, barely breathing. He called my name softly, I know he never liked seeing me cry, but I was broken.
“I don’t think you’re any of that” He held me, affectionately. And I was grateful he didn’t wince as I hid my crying face in his neck. The disease of my heart and mind are not contagious, this twisted love is born rarely in the world.
“I don’t judge you. I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know anything. But there is a line.”
“I crossed the line. He has no blame. It was always me.”
“He should have stopped you. He should have said no”
“I know now that he never wanted me like I wanted him. But he felt responsible. When I finally understood what I wanted from him, I was still a kid and I was terrified. He said love is a gift and we should never be afraid of our ability to love and love more. I stopped needing a reason or a cause after that”
Seunghyun sucked in air, in need to oxygenate his mind and be able to open it. “When did it start?”
“When I was a child I wanted to marry him, the feeling never went away… I was always a weird kid. I only liked to draw spiders and snakes, hairy spiders and big snakes”
For me, it was the day I would finally commit to a man that wasn’t papa, but for said man it was the day he’d bid me farewell.
Seunghyun had no intention to confront me about Yunho, part of him wanted to let it go, the part that felt hopeless to do anything about it. My courageous stupidity brought it up however; and yet I don’t regret it, nor the confession or the crying. An immense weight was lifted from my chest that day. I figured telling the truth would feel like that, but I just didn’t know how heavy my burden was.
I don’t think Seunghyun realized how much it meant to be able to talk to him. I always imagined I’d be told how wrong and wicked I am for the feelings I developed, but such harsh words coming from someone you love, they can kill. Seunghyun didn’t say any of that to me, simply held me until I calmed down. He wasn’t being a good friend, we couldn’t go back to being friends, but as a good ex-lover, he wouldn’t leave me alone when I needed him.
He said I can’t love anyone if my heart is already taken. I had to make the decision to take my heart back from Yunho or let him keep it because nobody will ever be enough if I ask them to fill his shoes. Only Yunho can do that. My request for a second chance was declined because of that reason.
He wasn’t judging my love for Yunho nor he felt he had the right to condone or condemn it, he told me not to cry, that my love wasn’t unrequited. He didn’t mean himself, he meant Yunho. He said that I ought to find my happiness with him.
You want a wall between the two of you, like you did before, because you still love him. If not, you wouldn’t have to say goodbye to him.
Whether accepting Yunho as my dad only, or loving him as something else, he has to be in my life. The truth is, I am aware of that, but I dread to confront him. I told Seunghyun I already knew what papa had to say, he doesn’t want me with him, that’s the reason why he sent me away.
“He wants me to have a family of my own. He won’t forgive himself if I give up on that because of him.” His dream I have yet to fulfill and which seems nearly impossible. “He blames himself for my homosexuality, you know?”
“Why have you told him about that?”
“That I blame him too” I almost laughed. Well, I learned about sex with him. It should be a compliment, but Yunho is an idiot and he doesn’t take it that well. “That’s why I know that he grasps to this hope, from the bottom of his heart, that maybe I’ll find a wonderful woman to have kids with”
“That won’t happen, Jaejoong” I chortled at Seunghyun’s assurance, but it wasn’t me who needed to be told that, I already knew. “But you can always give a child a home”
I nodded, smiling softly at my own predicament. “It was a talk I wanted us to have. Eventually, one day”
He looked at me with surprise, but his expression settled into an apologetic smile shortly after. I didn’t tell him that I have always thought he’d make an amazing father, coming from me, it might be belittling.
“Would you like one last serving of the ugly truth?” Seunghyun offered me and though I felt I had eaten the whole plate to its crumbs, I swallowed hard and made room for more.
“I don’t think Jaejoong’s father ever wanted that” Seeing the question marks in my eyes, he continued. “It is customary of parents to impose their own thwarted dreams and ambitions on their kids. Well, Jaejoong’s father is not the typical Korean dad…”
I noted the grimace on Seunghyun’s face, unlike me who has never been smacked by papa, the man treats me like I’m made of glass, Seunghyun claims he was grown to become a decent member of society though wholehearted beatings, the toughest loving free from kisses and hugs and spared with hand imprints all over his body.
“But that’s what parents do. Since you lost your mom and he lost his wife, that dream was crushed, so he wishes upon you the happiness that was taken away from him by having your own family… do you agree?”
I bobbed my head with a resolute and understanding yes, but an outrageous frown framed through Seunghyun’s glasses greeted me back. I was lost to where he was going with this.
“He never showed you a home where you realized that you needed your mom, but he pushed you to want to take her place for him. Jaejoong’s father is an hypocrite”
“Well, he did try to get me a mommy once” I muttered cautiously. Though I tried to shake off the impression that I was defending or justifying papa, there was that protective feeling raising inside me.
“Your primary-school teacher?”
“Kindergarten, yes”
“You were 5”
“6”
“That’s 6 years of abstinence. He needed to get laid.”
His words were rude, storming inside my head and kicking around some of my most definite conclusions about what had happened that infamous day so many years ago. Despite my evident lack of clarity, Seunghyun spoke with the opposite of frustration, serene.
“Don’t impose yourself a need to have a family unless it is what you truly desire… I don’t think he ever wanted it for you, not really. He didn’t raise you to want that. He raised you differently, being lovers, maybe even more than that, where you’re his world and he is yours. That is the family you know and value. I don’t believe he did it deliberately. I can only imagine the urge he felt to protect you and make you feel loved, being so young and completely alone with a cutest baby in his arms, but he didn’t realize he was teaching you have eyes for him and him only…”
I might be the third party in the sinful and shameless triad, but regardless of Seunghyun’s pitiful tone, his blatant sentence granted me… happiness. I had almost lost faith, already given up believing papa ever felt the same love that plagued my heart for him.
“He could have avoided having sex with you and the fact that he didn’t, convinces me even more of what I’m saying. He made sure to become everything you ever needed”
Maybe Yunnie’s love, greater than mine and so possessive, is at fault of our incestuous tragedy; that made me want to laugh. I pressed the heel of my hand against the little excited giggle that involuntarily escaped me, looking down and shaking my head sideways in a disapproving fashion.
Seunghyun patted my back. “You’ll be fine. You’ve sort of been fine so far”
But there was a piece of the puzzle that didn’t fit. “If papa wanted me, he’d have kept me with him. But he shunned me…If he had missed me, he’d have come to see me. It doesn’t work like that, to love someone, so deeply, and push them aside without a warning or an explanation”
“I think Jaejoong’s dad did that for the same reason he came back. After all these years”
“Jiji died” That was enough justification for me, but it didn’t seem so to Seunghyun.
“He came all the way here to sabotage us because of your cat?”
I hesitated to respond. The seed of doubt was already rooting inside of me. Willingly or unwillingly, Yunho’s arrival turned my world upside down these few days and ultimately became the cause of my split with Seunghyun, he exposed those feelings I believed were not to greet the sunlight ever again, buried in the core of my soul, but that were just skin-deep.
My biggest suspicion however was that Seunghyun knew something I didn’t. He simply said that sometimes the people we love the most make bad decisions on our behalf believing it’s in our best interest. It gave me the sheer impression that whatever secret Seunghyun kept from me, was greatly the reason why he had been so patient about papa and me. And that surely implied bad news.
“I know that happiness is meant to be short-lived. Shit happens every day. Are you sure you want to wait another 4 years to talk to him?”
The plane landed during nighttime, after a couple grueling days of arranging paperwork and packing. I must admit I felt empty when the propellers pushed against the air and I waved sayonara to the eclectic Tokyo I learned to love. But I must admit as well my chest felt full meeting those shameful Korean scowls everywhere when I landed in Incheon, with the loud chitchat as my background music.
It was a quarter past 11 pm when the cab stopped in front of our building. I was anxious and excited, simply by getting in the elevator. The doorman was a different person, a younger man who didn’t know who I was and questioned my whereabouts, disappointing considering that I used to buy coffee for the older doorman whenever I caught sight on him during his night shifts. But for the rest, I met the same picture I saved in my memory 4 years ago. I still had the house keys, my hopes were the house locks remained to be the same.
You wouldn’t change the locks, would you? Why would you? Unless you had an affair and the woman became a stalker and barged into our home. Let’s see if you had an tragic affair lately, papa.
It clicked and turned easily. I cheered inwardly, but then paused myself to take a deep breath. It’s been so long since the last time I was here. It scared me what I could find in the other side. I often imagined Yunho’s life without me these years, believing he’d have the bachelor’s apartment with women coming over every day, my room turned into a gym or a bathroom with a luxury jacuzzi. Inhaling deeply once more, I pushed the door and walked inside.
It was dark and I only turned on the lights from the hall. I let my bags in the corner. My lips curved downwards remembering how Jiji would have come to me by now, swaying his big belly and showing me his colorful claws. It burdened me that he was too fat to reproduce, more interested in my tuna sashimi than any female cats.
I walked through the hall, slow and quite, not wanting to startle Yunho so late at night, fearing he might attack me with a baseball bat, but there was light coming from the living room. He was there, asleep in the couch with the TV on, among a couple soju bottles and seaweed chips. I sat by his side and looked at him sleep.
The TV continued playing as the remote fell from the edge.
Why would he be watching this? It’d make more sense to find porn displaying on the screen than our home videos. But it was a good surprise, the welcomed type that warms the heart and makes you sigh with an appreciative smile. In the screen, I saw myself, I must have been 4 years old, papa was giving me a piggyback ride and I was giggling to my heart’s content.
I laughed watching myself laugh with Yunho planting nonstop kisses on my rosy cheeks. I was a cute kid wasn’t I?
All of a sudden, it hit me all over again, why I rushed here from a thousand kilometers away, why I came back looking for the man I promised myself I would forget; and I couldn’t swallow. The few minutes from the recording reminded me of it so cruelly: beyond being the man I love, Yunho is my one and only father. And he needs me with him, like a son, to take care of him.
“I’m here now, papa…” There was a knot in my throat that made it painful to talk. I gathered him in my arms, sliding my hands under his back. I squeezed him against my chest, brushing our cheeks together before I buried my tear-heavy lashes against the curve of his neck. He stirred, but I continued to embrace the frail life out of him.
________________________________________________________________________________________
A/N: I really feel guilty with the first picture, it's so sweet, my mind just swims in the gutter :c
Pairings: YunJae
Length: 7/8
Overall Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Inspired by 'Papa to Kiss in the Dark'. Incest. Not inhibitions. Read at your own risk
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff,
Summary: Everyone is blessed with one special thing. For Jung Jaejoong, it was his father and he needed no more. His father who was his world and he loved deeply, taut filial ties had no favoritism over right and wrong.
Is there a nice way to do something like this?
I took a big breath to inflate my chest as replacement for the courage I lacked. I gave him a kiss on the lips, then two steps back and I opened my arms wide. I closed my eyes.
“It’s not a fair trade, but I break your heart, you break my jaw”
“Break your jaw, are you crazy?”
“Seunghyun-ah, you are my best friend and I have never lied when I say that I love you, but … there are things I haven’t told you. Things I’ve done and I regret, but I did”
Yes, I was telling Seunghyun the truth. I practiced what I was going to say because it would be a mess and I kept my eyes closed while I did it because I didn’t want to see how much it will hurt him. I would give in before I was done. I expected to be afraid, but once I started speaking, it flowed like water out of a dam. I couldn’t hold back and my tears matched the haste of my words. Nobody deserves to be lied and cheated, but from all people, I did it to the one man who I knew loved me so purely.
I admitted about the guys I met and kissed and that some even became one-night stands, just reckless impulses I wish I could turn back. I wanted him to know that there had been someone in my life and that I had met those other men because I refused to let go of the past.
“He was in my life for a long, long time. I didn’t allow myself to love fully after him because I had hope... I feel my heart doesn’t listen to what I want. I knew there was never hope for us, but I kept the grudge for far too long… It’s over now. I want to move on and I want your forgiveness more than anything because I want to be with you. I’m in love with you”
I didn’t scrunch my face, I wanted to be hit to a pulp if that would make Seunghyun feel better, but not a wisp of air touched me. He didn’t lay a finger on me. He was there, simply sitting on the sand.
“You are?” His tone was detached and weary. I worried that he wouldn’t believe me and well, could I even ask him for that? Why would he believe me a liar and a cheater?
“Hit me” I begged and took a hold of his hand, tried to fist it, but he pulled it back. “I’ll be glad to take a punch for you.” I was desperate.
“I won’t do that. Don’t be silly”
“Why aren’t you mad?”
“…I already knew there was someone else. I have known for quite a while. When you get drunk Jaejoong, really drunk, you start to cry just like brokenhearted men do, did you know that?” He finally met my eyes, but I looked away, I couldn’t bear it.
“I know you’ve been hurting. Ever since we started living together. Those times when I found you sitting by the window, you could stay there for hours if I didn’t say a word, you didn’t notice when I entered the flat. If I asked, you said it was nothing; that you missed home. I wondered who is home? Then I started having suspicions you were actually meeting that man because every time when I came home after weeks of touring, you were oddly too attentive to me, you wouldn’t fight me, you were submissive, but also you wouldn’t even look at me in the eyes… Like right now… But now I know it was a different guy each time”
I tried to hold back the bitter tears coming all the way from my heart and pooling my eyes. There was a reassured voice inside my head repeating: It’s over. It’s over. You’re not going everywhere past this, not with him. It’s over. I didn’t want to believe that but why wasn’t he yelling at me? Where were his heated reproaches or punches to the air or the sand or to my face? Seunghyun wasn’t hurt and furious, he was hurt and resigned.
His next words, however ...
“It’s your father, isn’t it. You’re in love with him.”
The earth beneath my feet quaked. Hard. And I stood there, frozen and dumbstruck. I didn’t feel the cold water splash against my ankles, didn’t hear the waves crash against the rocks, only the echo of Seunghyun’s words which weren’t a question, he looked at me with so much certainty.
“You don’t know how stupid I feel. All this time you told me who he was. He is the only man you ever talk about, the one you always want to call whenever you get drunk. It didn’t make sense, he is your dad, but then I met him. I finally met him and I saw you around him. Almost like I hadn’t seen you before, not with eyes wide open. The way you blush and laugh with him; the playful, flirty eyes yet so innocent, the touches you give him. It made sense. He makes you glow in a way I haven’t been able to. I saw it and felt so much jealousy. I had this anger inside me when I looked at you together, but he is your father, how can I be jealous?”
I had to cover my mouth to repress the surge of sobs that wanted to break free. I’ve been making excuses for my feelings for as long as I can remember. These feelings that I can’t get rid of. You start to know yourself from either embracing or fighting these feelings. I have done both through the curse of my life. But they are a part of me, Yunho is a part of who I am.
“I have always been by his side, I have always had him and then he let go. He sent me away and I crumbled. My heart would race when I couldn’t find him. I didn’t have anyone who made me feel safe and loved.” An awful tremor rocked through me as I remembered, the days before I had Seunghyun with me were very cold. Abandoment is icy.
“But you were there for me. You held me and protected me. You made me feel worthy. I love you Seunghyun-ah. Please believe that”
There was a moment of silence only broken by the sound of the tide and birds in the distance. It was almost comforting, but I didn’t dare come near Seunghyun. Tears were still flowing freely and there was a lot left to say. We both knew it. But I’d expurgate the facts first than disclose my darkest secret. I couldn’t let him know that my adoration for Yunho had expressed itself not only platonically, but sexually. If he were to despise me for loving him with my body…
“That night at your grandmother’s house during Christmas Eve” He began after a pause and a deep breath. “You didn’t want to have sex with me. You said it was because your father was in the house, and that we should wait. But you crawled out of bed in the middle of the night and you… you went to him. I saw you... You kissed him and you teased him. You asked him to have sex with you… You said it would be the last time”
At fault of every charge, I was rhe one to dig my own grave, opened the casket and threw myself inside. My last words, lies and more lies. That night after we opened our presents, grannie let Seunghyun and I take the guest room because of the mess in the living room. It’s true, in Seunghyun’s warmth I didn’t find the solace I craved, and couldn’t sleep. I looked for papa instead. But I couldn’t just lay there by his side like I promised myself I would. I wanted more and so to quieten down my conscience, I told myself that it was all right because it’d be the last time, it’d be closure. To my great surprise and for the first time since I have lucid memory, Yunho said no, he told me to go back to Seunghyun.
“Before that night and even if I could almost confirm that you two had that type of relationship, I had told myself that I was wrong and that I shouldn’t entertain those thoughts because you didn’t have your mom and it was all right that you were so close…” He was looking at me, not with anger or disgust, it was worry. “When I gave you the ring, I was willing to overlook and believe I had been unfair with you, but …I saw you, how you kissed him, the things you said to him”
Tears spilled from my eyes without control. No need for Seunghyun to beat my face if the truth decides to strike instead. Silently lurking in the corner, it finally rose indomitable in front of me, unforgiving, I felt squashed by its weight.
“Are you disgusted by me? Do you think there’s something wrong in my head? Do you think I’ll become a serial killer and kill papa and kill myself? I won’t do that. These feelings that I have and are scary to you, I’m not afraid of them.” I rambled, barely breathing. He called my name softly, I know he never liked seeing me cry, but I was broken.
“I don’t think you’re any of that” He held me, affectionately. And I was grateful he didn’t wince as I hid my crying face in his neck. The disease of my heart and mind are not contagious, this twisted love is born rarely in the world.
“I don’t judge you. I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know anything. But there is a line.”
“I crossed the line. He has no blame. It was always me.”
“He should have stopped you. He should have said no”
“I know now that he never wanted me like I wanted him. But he felt responsible. When I finally understood what I wanted from him, I was still a kid and I was terrified. He said love is a gift and we should never be afraid of our ability to love and love more. I stopped needing a reason or a cause after that”
Seunghyun sucked in air, in need to oxygenate his mind and be able to open it. “When did it start?”
“When I was a child I wanted to marry him, the feeling never went away… I was always a weird kid. I only liked to draw spiders and snakes, hairy spiders and big snakes”
For me, it was the day I would finally commit to a man that wasn’t papa, but for said man it was the day he’d bid me farewell.
Seunghyun had no intention to confront me about Yunho, part of him wanted to let it go, the part that felt hopeless to do anything about it. My courageous stupidity brought it up however; and yet I don’t regret it, nor the confession or the crying. An immense weight was lifted from my chest that day. I figured telling the truth would feel like that, but I just didn’t know how heavy my burden was.
I don’t think Seunghyun realized how much it meant to be able to talk to him. I always imagined I’d be told how wrong and wicked I am for the feelings I developed, but such harsh words coming from someone you love, they can kill. Seunghyun didn’t say any of that to me, simply held me until I calmed down. He wasn’t being a good friend, we couldn’t go back to being friends, but as a good ex-lover, he wouldn’t leave me alone when I needed him.
He said I can’t love anyone if my heart is already taken. I had to make the decision to take my heart back from Yunho or let him keep it because nobody will ever be enough if I ask them to fill his shoes. Only Yunho can do that. My request for a second chance was declined because of that reason.
He wasn’t judging my love for Yunho nor he felt he had the right to condone or condemn it, he told me not to cry, that my love wasn’t unrequited. He didn’t mean himself, he meant Yunho. He said that I ought to find my happiness with him.
You want a wall between the two of you, like you did before, because you still love him. If not, you wouldn’t have to say goodbye to him.
Whether accepting Yunho as my dad only, or loving him as something else, he has to be in my life. The truth is, I am aware of that, but I dread to confront him. I told Seunghyun I already knew what papa had to say, he doesn’t want me with him, that’s the reason why he sent me away.
“He wants me to have a family of my own. He won’t forgive himself if I give up on that because of him.” His dream I have yet to fulfill and which seems nearly impossible. “He blames himself for my homosexuality, you know?”
“Why have you told him about that?”
“That I blame him too” I almost laughed. Well, I learned about sex with him. It should be a compliment, but Yunho is an idiot and he doesn’t take it that well. “That’s why I know that he grasps to this hope, from the bottom of his heart, that maybe I’ll find a wonderful woman to have kids with”
“That won’t happen, Jaejoong” I chortled at Seunghyun’s assurance, but it wasn’t me who needed to be told that, I already knew. “But you can always give a child a home”
I nodded, smiling softly at my own predicament. “It was a talk I wanted us to have. Eventually, one day”
He looked at me with surprise, but his expression settled into an apologetic smile shortly after. I didn’t tell him that I have always thought he’d make an amazing father, coming from me, it might be belittling.
“Would you like one last serving of the ugly truth?” Seunghyun offered me and though I felt I had eaten the whole plate to its crumbs, I swallowed hard and made room for more.
“I don’t think Jaejoong’s father ever wanted that” Seeing the question marks in my eyes, he continued. “It is customary of parents to impose their own thwarted dreams and ambitions on their kids. Well, Jaejoong’s father is not the typical Korean dad…”
I noted the grimace on Seunghyun’s face, unlike me who has never been smacked by papa, the man treats me like I’m made of glass, Seunghyun claims he was grown to become a decent member of society though wholehearted beatings, the toughest loving free from kisses and hugs and spared with hand imprints all over his body.
“But that’s what parents do. Since you lost your mom and he lost his wife, that dream was crushed, so he wishes upon you the happiness that was taken away from him by having your own family… do you agree?”
I bobbed my head with a resolute and understanding yes, but an outrageous frown framed through Seunghyun’s glasses greeted me back. I was lost to where he was going with this.
“He never showed you a home where you realized that you needed your mom, but he pushed you to want to take her place for him. Jaejoong’s father is an hypocrite”
“Well, he did try to get me a mommy once” I muttered cautiously. Though I tried to shake off the impression that I was defending or justifying papa, there was that protective feeling raising inside me.
“Your primary-school teacher?”
“Kindergarten, yes”
“You were 5”
“6”
“That’s 6 years of abstinence. He needed to get laid.”
His words were rude, storming inside my head and kicking around some of my most definite conclusions about what had happened that infamous day so many years ago. Despite my evident lack of clarity, Seunghyun spoke with the opposite of frustration, serene.
“Don’t impose yourself a need to have a family unless it is what you truly desire… I don’t think he ever wanted it for you, not really. He didn’t raise you to want that. He raised you differently, being lovers, maybe even more than that, where you’re his world and he is yours. That is the family you know and value. I don’t believe he did it deliberately. I can only imagine the urge he felt to protect you and make you feel loved, being so young and completely alone with a cutest baby in his arms, but he didn’t realize he was teaching you have eyes for him and him only…”
I might be the third party in the sinful and shameless triad, but regardless of Seunghyun’s pitiful tone, his blatant sentence granted me… happiness. I had almost lost faith, already given up believing papa ever felt the same love that plagued my heart for him.
“He could have avoided having sex with you and the fact that he didn’t, convinces me even more of what I’m saying. He made sure to become everything you ever needed”
Maybe Yunnie’s love, greater than mine and so possessive, is at fault of our incestuous tragedy; that made me want to laugh. I pressed the heel of my hand against the little excited giggle that involuntarily escaped me, looking down and shaking my head sideways in a disapproving fashion.
Seunghyun patted my back. “You’ll be fine. You’ve sort of been fine so far”
But there was a piece of the puzzle that didn’t fit. “If papa wanted me, he’d have kept me with him. But he shunned me…If he had missed me, he’d have come to see me. It doesn’t work like that, to love someone, so deeply, and push them aside without a warning or an explanation”
“I think Jaejoong’s dad did that for the same reason he came back. After all these years”
“Jiji died” That was enough justification for me, but it didn’t seem so to Seunghyun.
“He came all the way here to sabotage us because of your cat?”
I hesitated to respond. The seed of doubt was already rooting inside of me. Willingly or unwillingly, Yunho’s arrival turned my world upside down these few days and ultimately became the cause of my split with Seunghyun, he exposed those feelings I believed were not to greet the sunlight ever again, buried in the core of my soul, but that were just skin-deep.
My biggest suspicion however was that Seunghyun knew something I didn’t. He simply said that sometimes the people we love the most make bad decisions on our behalf believing it’s in our best interest. It gave me the sheer impression that whatever secret Seunghyun kept from me, was greatly the reason why he had been so patient about papa and me. And that surely implied bad news.
“I know that happiness is meant to be short-lived. Shit happens every day. Are you sure you want to wait another 4 years to talk to him?”
The plane landed during nighttime, after a couple grueling days of arranging paperwork and packing. I must admit I felt empty when the propellers pushed against the air and I waved sayonara to the eclectic Tokyo I learned to love. But I must admit as well my chest felt full meeting those shameful Korean scowls everywhere when I landed in Incheon, with the loud chitchat as my background music.
It was a quarter past 11 pm when the cab stopped in front of our building. I was anxious and excited, simply by getting in the elevator. The doorman was a different person, a younger man who didn’t know who I was and questioned my whereabouts, disappointing considering that I used to buy coffee for the older doorman whenever I caught sight on him during his night shifts. But for the rest, I met the same picture I saved in my memory 4 years ago. I still had the house keys, my hopes were the house locks remained to be the same.
You wouldn’t change the locks, would you? Why would you? Unless you had an affair and the woman became a stalker and barged into our home. Let’s see if you had an tragic affair lately, papa.
It clicked and turned easily. I cheered inwardly, but then paused myself to take a deep breath. It’s been so long since the last time I was here. It scared me what I could find in the other side. I often imagined Yunho’s life without me these years, believing he’d have the bachelor’s apartment with women coming over every day, my room turned into a gym or a bathroom with a luxury jacuzzi. Inhaling deeply once more, I pushed the door and walked inside.
It was dark and I only turned on the lights from the hall. I let my bags in the corner. My lips curved downwards remembering how Jiji would have come to me by now, swaying his big belly and showing me his colorful claws. It burdened me that he was too fat to reproduce, more interested in my tuna sashimi than any female cats.
I walked through the hall, slow and quite, not wanting to startle Yunho so late at night, fearing he might attack me with a baseball bat, but there was light coming from the living room. He was there, asleep in the couch with the TV on, among a couple soju bottles and seaweed chips. I sat by his side and looked at him sleep.
The TV continued playing as the remote fell from the edge.
Why would he be watching this? It’d make more sense to find porn displaying on the screen than our home videos. But it was a good surprise, the welcomed type that warms the heart and makes you sigh with an appreciative smile. In the screen, I saw myself, I must have been 4 years old, papa was giving me a piggyback ride and I was giggling to my heart’s content.
I laughed watching myself laugh with Yunho planting nonstop kisses on my rosy cheeks. I was a cute kid wasn’t I?
All of a sudden, it hit me all over again, why I rushed here from a thousand kilometers away, why I came back looking for the man I promised myself I would forget; and I couldn’t swallow. The few minutes from the recording reminded me of it so cruelly: beyond being the man I love, Yunho is my one and only father. And he needs me with him, like a son, to take care of him.
“I’m here now, papa…” There was a knot in my throat that made it painful to talk. I gathered him in my arms, sliding my hands under his back. I squeezed him against my chest, brushing our cheeks together before I buried my tear-heavy lashes against the curve of his neck. He stirred, but I continued to embrace the frail life out of him.
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A/N: I really feel guilty with the first picture, it's so sweet, my mind just swims in the gutter :c