Spiders in my sleep -Part 8b-
Title: Spiders in my sleep
Pairings: YunJae
Length: 8b/8
Overall Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Inspired by 'Papa to Kiss in the Dark'. Incest. Not inhibitions. Read at your own risk
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff,
Summary: Everyone is blessed with one special thing. For Jung Jaejoong, it was his father and he needed no more. His father who was his world and he loved deeply, taut filial ties had no favoritism over right and wrong.
I woke up to discomfort once more, not the punishing fire I remembered before fainting, but a fire that prickles and then numbs. Soon enough, I realized what it was. I wore my pajamas except for the lower part because there was a bag of ice nestled in my butt beading my skin with little cold drops.
I turned around and he was there. He had his forearm draped over his eyes, but I knew he wasn’t sleeping. His mouth wasn’t open as if to catch a fly. His free hand was holding the bag of ice in place.
“Papa?”
He looked over. “Hey…” His eyes were sore. “How are you feeling, sweetie?”
“…I’m better”
“Are you?” He placed a hand on my forehead. “You had a fever”
“Really?”
“Yes, I had to shift the ice bag from your booty to your face”
I stared without blinking and he chuckled. “I’m kidding, my beautiful” I stared at him some more, memorizing his smile and his curvy eyes before my lower lip started to quiver pathetically and he reached for me.
“What is the matter, Joongie-ah?”
I shook my head no. I didn’t want to say it. I was terrified to even voice the word out for him to confirm it and then life would end, because I would be gone with him. At the same time, I wanted to hit myself for my cowardice, I should be his rock to lean on, the joy erupting from his mouth and filling his days, but I was only worrying him. In that moment, I needed so bad, but there was distance like a freezing ocean in between us . I wondered if papa’s heart had fallen sick because of me.
“Do you want to talk?”
I shook my head sideways.
“Let’s make a deal. I’m going to feed you some delicious chicken porridge that I prepared. You’ll eat the whole bowl and you’ll gain your strength back and then will talk. How does that sound?”
“No”
In that freezing ocean I was the one sailing in his opposite direction.
“Great. It’s a good plan, I think so too” He kissed my head and left the room.
I began to cry.
Pitiless. Everything I do is rely on tears.
My eyelids seemed inside out by overuse, but tears didn’t alleviate me. They wouldn’t stop either.
“Jaejoongie, what can I do for you to stop hurting?”
I didn’t realize when he came back to the room, the steaming broth was placed on the night stand and his eyes were devoid of any emotion except for concern. He embraced me wholly like a bear, like he always does whenever he wants to assure me he will be always there for me.
I stopped believing in always ever since he sent me away. I realize now that I always had him, but I was a stupid, grudged brat. This time he’ll leave me and there is no turning back. If I call him or write to him, there won’t be a reply. Papa has cancer and no matter if it sounds, like a lie, a cruel, hostile lie, it's the truth.
“I’m staying here. I’m s-staying here with you… forever”
“But you have Seunghyun and your teaching job that you love”
“N-no. I don’t. I only h-have…you….I’ll ta-take care of…you”
“Jaejoong, papa doesn’t need you to take care of him”
“YOU DO!” I wanted to smack him, I felt frustrated. “I saw you.. in the vi-video and… uncle Dong-hae said you had… c-can” I couldn’t say it without maniac, desolated wails flaring up.
“What video, Jaejoong?”
“And when… I called S-seunghyun he admitted that… in the ba-bathroom, there was… blood. You we-were throwing up… blood” Only hiccups, would come out from my mouth.
I saw shock in his face, he didn’t blink, but then he embraced me tight, so tight. Was it a corroboration? I hugged him back and let my pain show in a waterfall of tears.
“Is that why you’re here, agi?”
I nodded my head. “You hid it from me and you excluded me…. How can I help you and protect you if you don’t tell me?....What am I supposed to do without you? Do you really not want me around you anymore?“
He picked me up from the bed and carried me in his arms.
“Jaejoongie, look at me. Papa is healthy. I wouldn’t be able to carry you around like this if I had cancer, would I?” He stood up while I clung to him like a bride. “Do you think I’d be allowed to work around the clock if I were ill? Shouldn’t I be in the hospital instead, with a nurse watching me day and night?” He continued to waltz around the house, with me in his arms.
“Are you lying to me? So I leave and then you…die. Alone. I won’t leave. I promise I’ll be good. Just please, please, let me stay here and take care of you. Please. Don’t push me away. I can’t take it.”
He smiled at me and wiped my tears with his thumb. Then he took my hand in his and kissed it. “Do I look like I did in that video you saw?”
I frowned, realizing in the middle of my scrambled gloom and misery, he did not look sick anymore. He looked like himself.
He smiled so closely to me, he took my next breath away, his forehead against my forehead.
“Pull my hair” He said. “Do you think papa is wearing wig?”
I hadn’t toyed with the idea just yet, but it wouldn’t leave my mind now unless I did as he said. I was very curious about his hair. I remember the video, papa was wearing a cap and I could barely see hair under it.
I wove my fingers in the long mane that had been lowered for me, I hooked a couple locks and I pulled, hard, then harder, with wide eyes examining his scalp.
“Did you have surgery?”
“To put hair on my head?” He laughed.
I pulled a string and then another one, not missing him wince when I did.
“You didn’t have much hair in the video”
“No I didn’t. Nor I had as much strength either. I wouldn’t have been able to carry like this”
I shook my head, wiping my own stubborn tears. The frail Yunho I saw before wouldn’t be able to stand with me in his arms, he’d snap in half like a toothpick.
“Look at me Jaejoongie… “ He brushed his lips against my jaw. “Really, look at me”
He landed me on the couch where we consummated our love last night. The smell of sex remained on the sheets.
“The man who made love to you last night… was he sick, was he weak?”
I shook my head no. The man who made love to me last night was strong. He exuded stamina and virility. He was filled with… lust.
“How was he?”
I blushed, my shyness resurfacing and averting my eyes away.
“Was he strong or was he… hesitant? Was he like you remember?”
“Yes, he was… incredible” I hid my face in the back of the couch. “He was… wearing the blue elephant thong” The image popped impetuously in my head. I was confident to meet his eyes again and I found him, with his arms crossed over his chest, looking at the side, bright red cheeks.
“Why were you wearing that?” I teased, hugging his waist, hiding my laughter in his stomach where I concluded it needed to be, the vibrations of my voice and mirth against his skin.
“Why wouldn’t I? It was a present”
“So kinky” I laughed and pulled his shirt from under his pants. I relished tracing the tight muscles with my fingers before planting kisses over them.
“Well, it was a kinky present”
“What are you wearing today?” I muttered, sucking on his belly button.
“Didn’t you see a while ago?”
Yes, I remember I yanked his underwear not long ago, but I wasn’t paying attention to his briefs specifically.
“I can’t remember” I mumbled.
“Just boring blue briefs”
I confirmed it for myself when I pulled his trousers slowly and let them hanging right above his knees. My hands stroking the inner part of his thighs while my saliva slickened the waistband of said underwear.
“… What are you doing?” His pretended innocence, whispered so enticingly to me, could only excite me more.
“I can’t help it” I argued, cupping the unmistakable bulge growing in front of my eyes, rubbing the side of my face against it, feeling moist in my cheek from the little damp spot there before I sucked on the piece of spandex, wetting it twice as much.
A gruff moan escaped his lips and automatically my hands slid inside, kneading the firm muscles of his butt. I looked up at him, he wasn’t protesting, maybe he wanted to, but he was defenseless. So I pulled his underpants and freed his erection at last, so big and heavy pointing to the sky.
“Papa?”
“Hmm?”
“This is not the normal response of a man who is dying… is it?”
“No, baby. It is not. Definitely not”
“Good” I beamed, buying my face in the abundant hair in between his legs, the trace of my copious tears now dried on my cheeks. “I might believe you now, you ugly hairy man”
“Would you forgive me?”
“I’m not sure yet” I pecked the thick head of his hard member. “…Papa?”
“Hmmm?”
“Do you remember when I was little and my school teacher called you to complain about my drawings?”
“Why would I remember that noisy woman? I don’t know what was her problem. I liked your drawings very much”
“… Hairy spiders and long snakes” I said, meeting his eyes, concealing his gallant length inside my mouth.
There, he gasped. Exactly.
“Jung Jaejoong. Were you…”
I laughed against his shaft.
“Is this all you ever want from me, udon head?”
“I am your child, I die if you don’t feed me”
I bobbed my head, obediently, sucking him off with too much zeal, the translucent proof of his love and desire escaping at the edge of my mouth.
“What can I do about it then? Go ahead, my child. Everything I got is for you”
I ran my tongue over my lower lip, relishing on his love fluids. I took him in my mouth again, holding his arousal in between my teeth and sucking him like I know, with love and till …annihilation.
My belly might be filled with his warm milk, my heart’s ultimate nourishment, but my brain was different and so there I was, licking the remains of Yunho’s black hen soup from the pot. It was not my starvation from one and a half days, the only judge of the great flavor. After swallowing two bowls at once, I started tasting the ingredients and noted how good they complemented with the thick, oily meat.
While I did that, he sat me on his lap and kept me close, unwilling to release me, until I heard the explanations he had to give me.
Peptic ulcer. He developed a little hole in the left side of his stomach because he wasn’t eating enough and he was experiencing too much stress. Even if he never expressed it around me, I knew the burdens of his job. I remember those nights when I heard him throw up after dinner. Gastritis, he used to tell me with an apologetic smile, never my food, no matter how spicy I arranged it.
Gastritis evolved to an ulcer he treated too late, but finally treated. And though it healed, he was referred to an oncologist 6 months later.
“The scar tissue from the ulcer continued to grow, abnormally. They said it was a tumor”
A perfectly healthy young man with so much heart in his hands, speed in his words and life in his eyes, diagnosed with terminal cancer, abruptly cut off from the future of his loved ones, imprisoned in a cell with implacable shrinking walls made of hours and minutes and ticking seconds.
“One day I was zipping mint tea my Jaejoongie prepared for me after a mild stomachache and the other I was sitting in front of this man in white coat, who told me to make peace with my loved ones because I only had a couple months left in my hands. It had to be a joke… That day I walked the entire city, up and down, left and right. I didn’t understand what had happened, how or why it happened and I couldn’t stop thinking of you. You were still finishing high school, you weren’t’ even an adult, how could I just leave you? How would I tell you something like this? How could I tell you it was going to be all right”
So papa did what he is so good at, he took responsibility, for everything, for his cancer and for his own death sentence. He decided it’d be him the one to take the decision of when and how he was going to die. Not fate, nor any doctor.
While a lot of people accept the contract of their death and sign on it, with a beautiful clear signature made of their tears and rewritten with their blood later on, believing the power of a meager word like cancer above the strength of their hearts and bodies, Yunho didn’t shed a single tear to begin with. He refused to accept such an unfair deal, he crumbled the paper and threw the insulting contract on death’s face itself.
“I wasn’t dying of anything that I wasn’t willing to be ashamed of catching. Not yet. And I would positively not leave you like this. I just needed time to beat this cancer and I needed you away while I did it”
“But you went through it alone”
It broke my heart to hear him say that. When you love someone, of course you daydream about the good times, ponder languidly of the ones you already lived, but it’s the hard times and overcoming them together what makes love real and beautiful and worthy. I always want to know his fears and qualms so I can hold him and comfort him, like lovers do, but like a parent does, he has never allowed me.
“I love you more than I love my life with you. Your suffering is mine, but it won’t ever burden me, it’d give me a reason to keep on trying, living every day to make it better for you. I’d have loved to take care of you, I’d have fed you, showered you, rubbed and kissed your belly when it hurt, but you… you don’t trust me. It was your life that you put at stake. And you took that decision without me. You could have died”
“It isn’t a matter of trust or arrogance or pride, Jaejoongie. I took that decision very well. I didn’t want you to be here with me. I wouldn’t let you see me fade away. Even then I knew it wouldn’t be pretty and it wasn’t”
“I don’t care if it was pretty or not!” I hit his chest, swallowing my sobs.
“It’s all right, sweetie. I don’t expect you to understand, but papa doesn’t regret it. I would take that decision again if I had to. It was a dark place, I couldn’t have withstand it if you were there with me. I would... I would have wanted to give up so you’d stop hurting. But death was not allowed until I had you in my arms again”
“…In that dark and scary place, you were alone. How am I supposed to accept that? I love you, I want to be there with you”
“But you were there. I held you so closely in here” He touched my chest. “I fought this, with teeth and nails, because I had you and I refused to let you go. You were the one pulling me towards the light from beginning to end”
“Papa~” I wailed half way through his words, worst like a new born baby, twisting the delicate fabric of his shirt as to shelter myself in his masculine, taut chest, once more ashamed of my weakness revealed in fresh tears.
“Don’t cry, agi. It’s because of you that papa is here. I promised myself I would meet you again and that day, papa was going to be strong and handsome”
“Idiot. To me, you are the most handsome man in the face of the Earth. You don’t even have to try~”
“Is that so? Well, I still had some tough competition waiting for me in Japan” He chuckled with airs of confidence. I didn’t quite believe those flirty words.
“You mean…?”
He gave a small nod of his head. “Umma sent me the picture you and Seunghyun took with her, during Christmas two years ago…Why isn’t he here?” He tightened his hold on me, biting my cheek, possessively. “Is he on tour?”
“…Seunghyun and I broke up”
Adding to the burden already dragging my heart down, I was right, Yunho looked disappointed. I’d have loved to see a tiny bit of delight in his face, maybe the shadow of playful smirk, but none of that.
“He loves you, Jaejoongie. He really does. And I know you love him as well”
I think I love Seunghyun, yes, but I don’t love him more than I love Yunho.
“It is for the best… Don’t look so depressed. Seunghyun deserves much better than what I can give him. I tried to fool the both of us that my love matched his and I ended up hurting him. I can’t do that anymore. I am selfish. All the love I have to give, I reserved it. It’s sealed with a thousand chains and a hundred steel locks. It awaits someone”
He knew I meant him, but my words didn’t flatter him. “Do you know why I went to see you?” He asked me.
A coupled ideas packed my mind: Jiji, the cancer, Seunghyun’s sabotage us, but no I replied.
“I only wanted to see you. That is every motive I had to board every plane and get to you, wherever in the world you were. I wanted to see you. I missed you. I wanted to tell you and tell you again how much I love you. I know I was cruel to cast you like I did. It hurt me twice as much as it hurt you, but it had to be like that. For a long period of time, I was going in and out of the hospital without end. When the cancer finally remitted, I could no longer recognize myself. I cringed with that man who greeted me in the mirror every morning. I knew that if I wanted to see you any time soon, I had to recover my old self. I worked out during daylight, ate ice cream and bananas for dinner. I figured it would take me a couple months to shape my body the way it used to be, but it took me much longer, Jaejoongie. The weight gain proved to be challenging and my body was weak, no matter how many hours I spent in the gym. Eventually, it paid off and I saw the new volume in my arms and legs. When I finally felt confident that there was no longer any suspicious hollowness in my cheeks, papa packed his bags and rushed to the airport”
“Four years…” I trailed off, feeling new twitches tugging harshly in my heart.
“Four long years stood in between us that I’d gladly flush down the toilet…for me Jaejoong, but not for you. I can’t do that to you, not after seeing that wonderful life and home you built on your own. I mean my words. My chest inflated like a balloon and made me think I was going to defy gravity and float, when I saw you. I am so proud of you. Even if I originally planned to be selfish and get you in my suitcase if I had to as long as I could have you back with me, I couldn’t do it…. And I wasn’t laughing about it, papa was heartbroken, Jaejoongie found happiness on his own, with someone else. But for some reason it was easier than I thought to love the beautiful person you became without me and accept Seunghyun. I trust him to take care of you. I have realized that maybe I’m not as heartbroken as I presume, maybe papa is finally letting go of you…”
I received his tears in my thumbs and he laughed, laughed his emotions off, like he always does.
“I forgot how difficult goodbyes are for me. Papa is so silly. But I once told you that change is good and we must not fear it. We must go for it. When we step against our fears, we’ve accomplished a great deal and there is always a reward”
I stared at him fixedly. “You are such a hypocrite”
He frowned, but my words were unwavering and he saw it in my face. I got off his lap and walked over to the other side of the kitchen. I poured myself a cup of coffee. I needed it. He followed me around the room with his eyes and I took a big gulp from the caffeine cocktail, unflinching at the bitter taste.
“I didn’t know you drank coffee. You used to hate it”
“I still hate it, but I drink it. You see, Yunho, I happen to do a bunch of things that I naturally dislike, but that my heart demands me. Your coffee-reeking breath every morning when you kissed me before school is one of my most favorite flavors. I can’t have your mouth, so I drink the coffee that goes inside”
“Jaejoongie…”
“You know what else I do? I sleep around with men. Pretty much with whoever I bumped into that uses your cologne or has your nose, your lips, your eyes”
Shit. I clenched my fist, I didn’t want him to know that. I never pretended to tell him any of that, but my own anger beat me. He didn’t say a word, but his look was scary, he wasn’t happy.
“I always used protection. And I made it clear it was nothing more than a night of sex. Unlike you, I didn’t fool these men into believing we could be together. I was that heartless with Seunghyun only” I let out, still mad, my heart shriveling with the memory of my best friend and ex-lover’s eyes. I looked at Yunho and I slammed the cup against the wall, the remaining coffee blending unsuccessfully with the carmine shade of the wall.
“You’re a hypocrite,” I repeated. “That great fear you have and won’t confront is not letting me go, is keeping me with you, so you rather make love to me in your dreams and keep on hiding under the veil of what a good, decent parent would do and say. Don’t you see you stopped being that to me a long time ago? I’m not only your child anymore either. You want me, you goddam piece of lying SHIT!”
“Jung Jaejoong, who do you think you’re talking to?” He rose from his stool, imposing and firm. “Answer me! Who are you talking to?”
I was forced to look away, intimidated by his aplomb.
“I’m talking to my father… who fucks me and lets me fuck him!” But I wasn’t withdrawing because I was right. For once, I was right and Yunho was wrong.
“That’s why you went looking for me, that’s why when you kiss my lips you stick your tongue inside and leave me breathless. Seunghyun deflated you because you had to take the dutiful role of being my father only in front of him and suddenly all those social prejudices started to nibble at the last bits of your courage. Even after everything that happened, after everything unbelievable you did, out of love, the love you have for me, not for society or its obligations…you don’t want to step against the fear of loving me”
He was speechless with the girth of my words because I was giving him the truth, not the sugar-coated, but raw and bloody.
“I’m your father, Jaejoong”
“I know you are and so what? You fear to be a bad father, so what? Whatever you want to call yourself, you’re the only one in my eyes. Ever since I was a child. For once I want you to take pride on that. Don’t brush it off like a mere compliment. Don’t hide it like a secret you’re ashamed of”
“I don’t want you to have regrets. I don’t want you to look back and wondered what could have been. Seunghyun worships you. I can see it in his eyes.”
“All those years, when I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, did you burst out in laughter; did you think it was my cock talking?”
“Back then, how could papa tie you like that? You were so mortified when you first told me you loved me, but you were such a sweet boy, how could I let you feel shame or guilt? I was relieved you came to me for answers, but I worried, what if I can’t give him the right answer and he looks for answers somewhere else with someone else, someone who might hurt him? I figured, when he finds the love of his life, the woman of his dreams, I will disappear in the blink of an eye. In the meantime, he can play with me all he wants”
“But I wasn’t playing a game. This isn’t a game. You are the love of my life. We just have bad luck that I came out of you and that I love the taste of my little brothers and sisters when you cum inside my mouth”
He covered his face and rubbed his palms against it, upside down, he even laughed, probably in skepticism. “What am I going to do with that foul mouth of yours? You weren’t like this before”
“I meant it, Yunho. This is what I came to this world to do. I killed mommy too. I took her away from you. And I look so much like her because I had to seduce you. I had to be her replacement so you wouldn’t marry any other woman. And she made sure to give me her heart too, these feelings I have for you, are not the ones of a child towards his father”
“No sweetie, you didn’t kill mommy” He looked so worried. “Please, don’t say that. Mommy wouldn’t take your heart from you. She would like you to choose who you want to love.”
I almost rolled my eyes to his naïve words. Like I didn’t know that. Well, I used to believe it in the past, when I was a confused kid with odd, erotic dreams.
I walked to his shrunk, troubled frame and I wrapped my arms around him. I met his hazelnut orbs and I patted his head. “I know. I’m kidding”
He looked at me and blinked, then he exhaled shakily and smiled at last. He bit and kissed my cheek, relentlessly, as if it were my lips.
“Hypocrite” I let out with a mixture of happiness and frustration.
“It’ll be our little secret”
“You know? I really wish I could have a heart transplant and see if I can look at you differently and fall in love with Seunghyunnie” I grumbled.
“…So, no more Seunghyunnie?”
“Nope. He even deleted my number from his phone”
He held me tighter. “You’re staying with papa then?”
I gave a firm nod of my head.
“What about your other fans? Any love interest I should worry about?”
“There’s none. Except the same old same. I think I told you about that complicated, old man once”
“You should dump that antique”
“I should. But can’t. He dies without me. Literally. He just told me I am the reason he survived cancer, can you believe it?”
“This man is going to give me cavities”
“Idiot” I laughed. “He might be cheesiest man alive, but I can’t live without him. No one compares to him.”
“Isn’t he wrinkled and saggy?”
“No, he is not wrinkled and saggy. His body is beautiful. You can fry an egg on that hot ass” I slapped his butt.
“Oh, is that true? So, you’re enjoying the …?”
I stared at him, was he really asking? Didn’t he see how I… nevermind. “Yes, papa. I am enjoying the sex very much. I haven’t made love ever since I left this place, not really”
He laughed and lowered his eyes, so shyly and cute.
“What? Do I embarrass you?”
“A little”
“Does that mean you want to stop? The sex I mean?”
“I didn’t say that” He quickly refuted and I felt a pack of euphoric butterflies surge inside me.
“…You’ve become so confident, Jaejoongie”
“That’s because I’m no longer a child. I am a grown up man and I’m ready to take on the consequences of my decisions. Seunghyun made me realize it. I have made my choice. I don’t care if you want me or not. I want you. No one else”
After stating the so very flagrant truth, he stared at me and he traced his thumb above my lower lip, he pressed his finger inside and I sucked it, startled but I did. He took his finger from my mouth and licked it himself.
“I do want you. You are the only one” He kissed me, taking parts of my heart and soul with the sinful movement of his tongue.
“Who is the bitch?”
“Jaejoong!” He jumped.
I knew my cursing alarms him and I burst out laughing. Even if my jealousy was beginning to do rampage with my sanity, I could afford to laugh this much … right now with the bed sheets and his arms as my only shelter from the rest of the world.
“There was a woman in the video, she was so casual addressing you. Was she my replacement?”
He cupped my face and stared in disbelief. “Who are you talking about? I don’t have anyone but you”
“You do. She was there in the barbecue when it should be me. Is there a girlfriend you haven’t told me about?”
His eyebrow remained knitted for a couple seconds, before it relaxed almost comically. He shook his head, a big smile tugging his lips from one side. I pinched his waist, didn’t like his face at all.
“Oh she is pretty, isn’t she?”
I can almost know he is joking, but it isn’t funny. My mood changed in the next heartbeat and I hit his chest, gave him my back and pulled the blankets, leaving him exposed and hopefully cold.
“Noona is not a bitch or my girlfriend, sweetie. I’m indebted for life to her. She is an amazing oncologist”
I looked over my shoulder, my grouchy pout thinning.
“Yes, you my jealous kitten, no need to snatch noona’s eyes out. She is papa’s surgeon who got rid of the tumor. Her name is Hwang YooMi, she is married and has a chubby 9 year old girl named SooMi who wants to marry you”
“Eh?”
“Little SooMi likes you” He laughed. “I told her that I had a little boy too, not so little though and when I showed her your picture from high school, she said you were going to be her husband when she grew up”
“What? Poor child!”
“And I told her I’d be delighted” He laughed louder. “She is so cute, with her round, ruddy cheeks. You’ll love her”
“YAH!” I threw him a pillow. “I’m not for sale”
“Arayo~. I handed you to SooMi for free” He stuck his tongue out and disappear behind the bathroom door where I fired the last pillow.
“Fucker!” I hissed, not meaning it. I was smiling wide, breathing deeply, fully stretched in the bed with too much content inside my chest. I was back at home, with him; and it felt just like the old times.
Or maybe not…
A cold and dark atmosphere shortly embedded me, it made the little hair of my back rise. I opened my eyes. There he was, hovering over me, in all it’s strong and intimidating naked glory. I gasped. He wasn’t happy. He gathered me in his arms, towards the bathroom.
“We really need to rinse that mouth of yours, Jung Jaejoong”
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
A/N: IT ENDED! Again, it wasn't supposed to be half this long, but I have diarrea in my brain T__T ... that's why there's an epilogue /facepalm
Pairings: YunJae
Length: 8b/8
Overall Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Inspired by 'Papa to Kiss in the Dark'. Incest. Not inhibitions. Read at your own risk
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff,
Summary: Everyone is blessed with one special thing. For Jung Jaejoong, it was his father and he needed no more. His father who was his world and he loved deeply, taut filial ties had no favoritism over right and wrong.
I woke up to discomfort once more, not the punishing fire I remembered before fainting, but a fire that prickles and then numbs. Soon enough, I realized what it was. I wore my pajamas except for the lower part because there was a bag of ice nestled in my butt beading my skin with little cold drops.
I turned around and he was there. He had his forearm draped over his eyes, but I knew he wasn’t sleeping. His mouth wasn’t open as if to catch a fly. His free hand was holding the bag of ice in place.
“Papa?”
He looked over. “Hey…” His eyes were sore. “How are you feeling, sweetie?”
“…I’m better”
“Are you?” He placed a hand on my forehead. “You had a fever”
“Really?”
“Yes, I had to shift the ice bag from your booty to your face”
I stared without blinking and he chuckled. “I’m kidding, my beautiful” I stared at him some more, memorizing his smile and his curvy eyes before my lower lip started to quiver pathetically and he reached for me.
“What is the matter, Joongie-ah?”
I shook my head no. I didn’t want to say it. I was terrified to even voice the word out for him to confirm it and then life would end, because I would be gone with him. At the same time, I wanted to hit myself for my cowardice, I should be his rock to lean on, the joy erupting from his mouth and filling his days, but I was only worrying him. In that moment, I needed so bad, but there was distance like a freezing ocean in between us . I wondered if papa’s heart had fallen sick because of me.
“Do you want to talk?”
I shook my head sideways.
“Let’s make a deal. I’m going to feed you some delicious chicken porridge that I prepared. You’ll eat the whole bowl and you’ll gain your strength back and then will talk. How does that sound?”
“No”
In that freezing ocean I was the one sailing in his opposite direction.
“Great. It’s a good plan, I think so too” He kissed my head and left the room.
I began to cry.
Pitiless. Everything I do is rely on tears.
My eyelids seemed inside out by overuse, but tears didn’t alleviate me. They wouldn’t stop either.
“Jaejoongie, what can I do for you to stop hurting?”
I didn’t realize when he came back to the room, the steaming broth was placed on the night stand and his eyes were devoid of any emotion except for concern. He embraced me wholly like a bear, like he always does whenever he wants to assure me he will be always there for me.
I stopped believing in always ever since he sent me away. I realize now that I always had him, but I was a stupid, grudged brat. This time he’ll leave me and there is no turning back. If I call him or write to him, there won’t be a reply. Papa has cancer and no matter if it sounds, like a lie, a cruel, hostile lie, it's the truth.
“I’m staying here. I’m s-staying here with you… forever”
“But you have Seunghyun and your teaching job that you love”
“N-no. I don’t. I only h-have…you….I’ll ta-take care of…you”
“Jaejoong, papa doesn’t need you to take care of him”
“YOU DO!” I wanted to smack him, I felt frustrated. “I saw you.. in the vi-video and… uncle Dong-hae said you had… c-can” I couldn’t say it without maniac, desolated wails flaring up.
“What video, Jaejoong?”
“And when… I called S-seunghyun he admitted that… in the ba-bathroom, there was… blood. You we-were throwing up… blood” Only hiccups, would come out from my mouth.
I saw shock in his face, he didn’t blink, but then he embraced me tight, so tight. Was it a corroboration? I hugged him back and let my pain show in a waterfall of tears.
“Is that why you’re here, agi?”
I nodded my head. “You hid it from me and you excluded me…. How can I help you and protect you if you don’t tell me?....What am I supposed to do without you? Do you really not want me around you anymore?“
He picked me up from the bed and carried me in his arms.
“Jaejoongie, look at me. Papa is healthy. I wouldn’t be able to carry you around like this if I had cancer, would I?” He stood up while I clung to him like a bride. “Do you think I’d be allowed to work around the clock if I were ill? Shouldn’t I be in the hospital instead, with a nurse watching me day and night?” He continued to waltz around the house, with me in his arms.
“Are you lying to me? So I leave and then you…die. Alone. I won’t leave. I promise I’ll be good. Just please, please, let me stay here and take care of you. Please. Don’t push me away. I can’t take it.”
He smiled at me and wiped my tears with his thumb. Then he took my hand in his and kissed it. “Do I look like I did in that video you saw?”
I frowned, realizing in the middle of my scrambled gloom and misery, he did not look sick anymore. He looked like himself.
He smiled so closely to me, he took my next breath away, his forehead against my forehead.
“Pull my hair” He said. “Do you think papa is wearing wig?”
I hadn’t toyed with the idea just yet, but it wouldn’t leave my mind now unless I did as he said. I was very curious about his hair. I remember the video, papa was wearing a cap and I could barely see hair under it.
I wove my fingers in the long mane that had been lowered for me, I hooked a couple locks and I pulled, hard, then harder, with wide eyes examining his scalp.
“Did you have surgery?”
“To put hair on my head?” He laughed.
I pulled a string and then another one, not missing him wince when I did.
“You didn’t have much hair in the video”
“No I didn’t. Nor I had as much strength either. I wouldn’t have been able to carry like this”
I shook my head, wiping my own stubborn tears. The frail Yunho I saw before wouldn’t be able to stand with me in his arms, he’d snap in half like a toothpick.
“Look at me Jaejoongie… “ He brushed his lips against my jaw. “Really, look at me”
He landed me on the couch where we consummated our love last night. The smell of sex remained on the sheets.
“The man who made love to you last night… was he sick, was he weak?”
I shook my head no. The man who made love to me last night was strong. He exuded stamina and virility. He was filled with… lust.
“How was he?”
I blushed, my shyness resurfacing and averting my eyes away.
“Was he strong or was he… hesitant? Was he like you remember?”
“Yes, he was… incredible” I hid my face in the back of the couch. “He was… wearing the blue elephant thong” The image popped impetuously in my head. I was confident to meet his eyes again and I found him, with his arms crossed over his chest, looking at the side, bright red cheeks.
“Why were you wearing that?” I teased, hugging his waist, hiding my laughter in his stomach where I concluded it needed to be, the vibrations of my voice and mirth against his skin.
“Why wouldn’t I? It was a present”
“So kinky” I laughed and pulled his shirt from under his pants. I relished tracing the tight muscles with my fingers before planting kisses over them.
“Well, it was a kinky present”
“What are you wearing today?” I muttered, sucking on his belly button.
“Didn’t you see a while ago?”
Yes, I remember I yanked his underwear not long ago, but I wasn’t paying attention to his briefs specifically.
“I can’t remember” I mumbled.
“Just boring blue briefs”
I confirmed it for myself when I pulled his trousers slowly and let them hanging right above his knees. My hands stroking the inner part of his thighs while my saliva slickened the waistband of said underwear.
“… What are you doing?” His pretended innocence, whispered so enticingly to me, could only excite me more.
“I can’t help it” I argued, cupping the unmistakable bulge growing in front of my eyes, rubbing the side of my face against it, feeling moist in my cheek from the little damp spot there before I sucked on the piece of spandex, wetting it twice as much.
A gruff moan escaped his lips and automatically my hands slid inside, kneading the firm muscles of his butt. I looked up at him, he wasn’t protesting, maybe he wanted to, but he was defenseless. So I pulled his underpants and freed his erection at last, so big and heavy pointing to the sky.
“Papa?”
“Hmm?”
“This is not the normal response of a man who is dying… is it?”
“No, baby. It is not. Definitely not”
“Good” I beamed, buying my face in the abundant hair in between his legs, the trace of my copious tears now dried on my cheeks. “I might believe you now, you ugly hairy man”
“Would you forgive me?”
“I’m not sure yet” I pecked the thick head of his hard member. “…Papa?”
“Hmmm?”
“Do you remember when I was little and my school teacher called you to complain about my drawings?”
“Why would I remember that noisy woman? I don’t know what was her problem. I liked your drawings very much”
“… Hairy spiders and long snakes” I said, meeting his eyes, concealing his gallant length inside my mouth.
There, he gasped. Exactly.
“Jung Jaejoong. Were you…”
I laughed against his shaft.
“Is this all you ever want from me, udon head?”
“I am your child, I die if you don’t feed me”
I bobbed my head, obediently, sucking him off with too much zeal, the translucent proof of his love and desire escaping at the edge of my mouth.
“What can I do about it then? Go ahead, my child. Everything I got is for you”
I ran my tongue over my lower lip, relishing on his love fluids. I took him in my mouth again, holding his arousal in between my teeth and sucking him like I know, with love and till …annihilation.
My belly might be filled with his warm milk, my heart’s ultimate nourishment, but my brain was different and so there I was, licking the remains of Yunho’s black hen soup from the pot. It was not my starvation from one and a half days, the only judge of the great flavor. After swallowing two bowls at once, I started tasting the ingredients and noted how good they complemented with the thick, oily meat.
While I did that, he sat me on his lap and kept me close, unwilling to release me, until I heard the explanations he had to give me.
Peptic ulcer. He developed a little hole in the left side of his stomach because he wasn’t eating enough and he was experiencing too much stress. Even if he never expressed it around me, I knew the burdens of his job. I remember those nights when I heard him throw up after dinner. Gastritis, he used to tell me with an apologetic smile, never my food, no matter how spicy I arranged it.
Gastritis evolved to an ulcer he treated too late, but finally treated. And though it healed, he was referred to an oncologist 6 months later.
“The scar tissue from the ulcer continued to grow, abnormally. They said it was a tumor”
A perfectly healthy young man with so much heart in his hands, speed in his words and life in his eyes, diagnosed with terminal cancer, abruptly cut off from the future of his loved ones, imprisoned in a cell with implacable shrinking walls made of hours and minutes and ticking seconds.
“One day I was zipping mint tea my Jaejoongie prepared for me after a mild stomachache and the other I was sitting in front of this man in white coat, who told me to make peace with my loved ones because I only had a couple months left in my hands. It had to be a joke… That day I walked the entire city, up and down, left and right. I didn’t understand what had happened, how or why it happened and I couldn’t stop thinking of you. You were still finishing high school, you weren’t’ even an adult, how could I just leave you? How would I tell you something like this? How could I tell you it was going to be all right”
So papa did what he is so good at, he took responsibility, for everything, for his cancer and for his own death sentence. He decided it’d be him the one to take the decision of when and how he was going to die. Not fate, nor any doctor.
While a lot of people accept the contract of their death and sign on it, with a beautiful clear signature made of their tears and rewritten with their blood later on, believing the power of a meager word like cancer above the strength of their hearts and bodies, Yunho didn’t shed a single tear to begin with. He refused to accept such an unfair deal, he crumbled the paper and threw the insulting contract on death’s face itself.
“I wasn’t dying of anything that I wasn’t willing to be ashamed of catching. Not yet. And I would positively not leave you like this. I just needed time to beat this cancer and I needed you away while I did it”
“But you went through it alone”
It broke my heart to hear him say that. When you love someone, of course you daydream about the good times, ponder languidly of the ones you already lived, but it’s the hard times and overcoming them together what makes love real and beautiful and worthy. I always want to know his fears and qualms so I can hold him and comfort him, like lovers do, but like a parent does, he has never allowed me.
“I love you more than I love my life with you. Your suffering is mine, but it won’t ever burden me, it’d give me a reason to keep on trying, living every day to make it better for you. I’d have loved to take care of you, I’d have fed you, showered you, rubbed and kissed your belly when it hurt, but you… you don’t trust me. It was your life that you put at stake. And you took that decision without me. You could have died”
“It isn’t a matter of trust or arrogance or pride, Jaejoongie. I took that decision very well. I didn’t want you to be here with me. I wouldn’t let you see me fade away. Even then I knew it wouldn’t be pretty and it wasn’t”
“I don’t care if it was pretty or not!” I hit his chest, swallowing my sobs.
“It’s all right, sweetie. I don’t expect you to understand, but papa doesn’t regret it. I would take that decision again if I had to. It was a dark place, I couldn’t have withstand it if you were there with me. I would... I would have wanted to give up so you’d stop hurting. But death was not allowed until I had you in my arms again”
“…In that dark and scary place, you were alone. How am I supposed to accept that? I love you, I want to be there with you”
“But you were there. I held you so closely in here” He touched my chest. “I fought this, with teeth and nails, because I had you and I refused to let you go. You were the one pulling me towards the light from beginning to end”
“Papa~” I wailed half way through his words, worst like a new born baby, twisting the delicate fabric of his shirt as to shelter myself in his masculine, taut chest, once more ashamed of my weakness revealed in fresh tears.
“Don’t cry, agi. It’s because of you that papa is here. I promised myself I would meet you again and that day, papa was going to be strong and handsome”
“Idiot. To me, you are the most handsome man in the face of the Earth. You don’t even have to try~”
“Is that so? Well, I still had some tough competition waiting for me in Japan” He chuckled with airs of confidence. I didn’t quite believe those flirty words.
“You mean…?”
He gave a small nod of his head. “Umma sent me the picture you and Seunghyun took with her, during Christmas two years ago…Why isn’t he here?” He tightened his hold on me, biting my cheek, possessively. “Is he on tour?”
“…Seunghyun and I broke up”
Adding to the burden already dragging my heart down, I was right, Yunho looked disappointed. I’d have loved to see a tiny bit of delight in his face, maybe the shadow of playful smirk, but none of that.
“He loves you, Jaejoongie. He really does. And I know you love him as well”
I think I love Seunghyun, yes, but I don’t love him more than I love Yunho.
“It is for the best… Don’t look so depressed. Seunghyun deserves much better than what I can give him. I tried to fool the both of us that my love matched his and I ended up hurting him. I can’t do that anymore. I am selfish. All the love I have to give, I reserved it. It’s sealed with a thousand chains and a hundred steel locks. It awaits someone”
He knew I meant him, but my words didn’t flatter him. “Do you know why I went to see you?” He asked me.
A coupled ideas packed my mind: Jiji, the cancer, Seunghyun’s sabotage us, but no I replied.
“I only wanted to see you. That is every motive I had to board every plane and get to you, wherever in the world you were. I wanted to see you. I missed you. I wanted to tell you and tell you again how much I love you. I know I was cruel to cast you like I did. It hurt me twice as much as it hurt you, but it had to be like that. For a long period of time, I was going in and out of the hospital without end. When the cancer finally remitted, I could no longer recognize myself. I cringed with that man who greeted me in the mirror every morning. I knew that if I wanted to see you any time soon, I had to recover my old self. I worked out during daylight, ate ice cream and bananas for dinner. I figured it would take me a couple months to shape my body the way it used to be, but it took me much longer, Jaejoongie. The weight gain proved to be challenging and my body was weak, no matter how many hours I spent in the gym. Eventually, it paid off and I saw the new volume in my arms and legs. When I finally felt confident that there was no longer any suspicious hollowness in my cheeks, papa packed his bags and rushed to the airport”
“Four years…” I trailed off, feeling new twitches tugging harshly in my heart.
“Four long years stood in between us that I’d gladly flush down the toilet…for me Jaejoong, but not for you. I can’t do that to you, not after seeing that wonderful life and home you built on your own. I mean my words. My chest inflated like a balloon and made me think I was going to defy gravity and float, when I saw you. I am so proud of you. Even if I originally planned to be selfish and get you in my suitcase if I had to as long as I could have you back with me, I couldn’t do it…. And I wasn’t laughing about it, papa was heartbroken, Jaejoongie found happiness on his own, with someone else. But for some reason it was easier than I thought to love the beautiful person you became without me and accept Seunghyun. I trust him to take care of you. I have realized that maybe I’m not as heartbroken as I presume, maybe papa is finally letting go of you…”
I received his tears in my thumbs and he laughed, laughed his emotions off, like he always does.
“I forgot how difficult goodbyes are for me. Papa is so silly. But I once told you that change is good and we must not fear it. We must go for it. When we step against our fears, we’ve accomplished a great deal and there is always a reward”
I stared at him fixedly. “You are such a hypocrite”
He frowned, but my words were unwavering and he saw it in my face. I got off his lap and walked over to the other side of the kitchen. I poured myself a cup of coffee. I needed it. He followed me around the room with his eyes and I took a big gulp from the caffeine cocktail, unflinching at the bitter taste.
“I didn’t know you drank coffee. You used to hate it”
“I still hate it, but I drink it. You see, Yunho, I happen to do a bunch of things that I naturally dislike, but that my heart demands me. Your coffee-reeking breath every morning when you kissed me before school is one of my most favorite flavors. I can’t have your mouth, so I drink the coffee that goes inside”
“Jaejoongie…”
“You know what else I do? I sleep around with men. Pretty much with whoever I bumped into that uses your cologne or has your nose, your lips, your eyes”
Shit. I clenched my fist, I didn’t want him to know that. I never pretended to tell him any of that, but my own anger beat me. He didn’t say a word, but his look was scary, he wasn’t happy.
“I always used protection. And I made it clear it was nothing more than a night of sex. Unlike you, I didn’t fool these men into believing we could be together. I was that heartless with Seunghyun only” I let out, still mad, my heart shriveling with the memory of my best friend and ex-lover’s eyes. I looked at Yunho and I slammed the cup against the wall, the remaining coffee blending unsuccessfully with the carmine shade of the wall.
“You’re a hypocrite,” I repeated. “That great fear you have and won’t confront is not letting me go, is keeping me with you, so you rather make love to me in your dreams and keep on hiding under the veil of what a good, decent parent would do and say. Don’t you see you stopped being that to me a long time ago? I’m not only your child anymore either. You want me, you goddam piece of lying SHIT!”
“Jung Jaejoong, who do you think you’re talking to?” He rose from his stool, imposing and firm. “Answer me! Who are you talking to?”
I was forced to look away, intimidated by his aplomb.
“I’m talking to my father… who fucks me and lets me fuck him!” But I wasn’t withdrawing because I was right. For once, I was right and Yunho was wrong.
“That’s why you went looking for me, that’s why when you kiss my lips you stick your tongue inside and leave me breathless. Seunghyun deflated you because you had to take the dutiful role of being my father only in front of him and suddenly all those social prejudices started to nibble at the last bits of your courage. Even after everything that happened, after everything unbelievable you did, out of love, the love you have for me, not for society or its obligations…you don’t want to step against the fear of loving me”
He was speechless with the girth of my words because I was giving him the truth, not the sugar-coated, but raw and bloody.
“I’m your father, Jaejoong”
“I know you are and so what? You fear to be a bad father, so what? Whatever you want to call yourself, you’re the only one in my eyes. Ever since I was a child. For once I want you to take pride on that. Don’t brush it off like a mere compliment. Don’t hide it like a secret you’re ashamed of”
“I don’t want you to have regrets. I don’t want you to look back and wondered what could have been. Seunghyun worships you. I can see it in his eyes.”
“All those years, when I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, did you burst out in laughter; did you think it was my cock talking?”
“Back then, how could papa tie you like that? You were so mortified when you first told me you loved me, but you were such a sweet boy, how could I let you feel shame or guilt? I was relieved you came to me for answers, but I worried, what if I can’t give him the right answer and he looks for answers somewhere else with someone else, someone who might hurt him? I figured, when he finds the love of his life, the woman of his dreams, I will disappear in the blink of an eye. In the meantime, he can play with me all he wants”
“But I wasn’t playing a game. This isn’t a game. You are the love of my life. We just have bad luck that I came out of you and that I love the taste of my little brothers and sisters when you cum inside my mouth”
He covered his face and rubbed his palms against it, upside down, he even laughed, probably in skepticism. “What am I going to do with that foul mouth of yours? You weren’t like this before”
“I meant it, Yunho. This is what I came to this world to do. I killed mommy too. I took her away from you. And I look so much like her because I had to seduce you. I had to be her replacement so you wouldn’t marry any other woman. And she made sure to give me her heart too, these feelings I have for you, are not the ones of a child towards his father”
“No sweetie, you didn’t kill mommy” He looked so worried. “Please, don’t say that. Mommy wouldn’t take your heart from you. She would like you to choose who you want to love.”
I almost rolled my eyes to his naïve words. Like I didn’t know that. Well, I used to believe it in the past, when I was a confused kid with odd, erotic dreams.
I walked to his shrunk, troubled frame and I wrapped my arms around him. I met his hazelnut orbs and I patted his head. “I know. I’m kidding”
He looked at me and blinked, then he exhaled shakily and smiled at last. He bit and kissed my cheek, relentlessly, as if it were my lips.
“Hypocrite” I let out with a mixture of happiness and frustration.
“It’ll be our little secret”
“You know? I really wish I could have a heart transplant and see if I can look at you differently and fall in love with Seunghyunnie” I grumbled.
“…So, no more Seunghyunnie?”
“Nope. He even deleted my number from his phone”
He held me tighter. “You’re staying with papa then?”
I gave a firm nod of my head.
“What about your other fans? Any love interest I should worry about?”
“There’s none. Except the same old same. I think I told you about that complicated, old man once”
“You should dump that antique”
“I should. But can’t. He dies without me. Literally. He just told me I am the reason he survived cancer, can you believe it?”
“This man is going to give me cavities”
“Idiot” I laughed. “He might be cheesiest man alive, but I can’t live without him. No one compares to him.”
“Isn’t he wrinkled and saggy?”
“No, he is not wrinkled and saggy. His body is beautiful. You can fry an egg on that hot ass” I slapped his butt.
“Oh, is that true? So, you’re enjoying the …?”
I stared at him, was he really asking? Didn’t he see how I… nevermind. “Yes, papa. I am enjoying the sex very much. I haven’t made love ever since I left this place, not really”
He laughed and lowered his eyes, so shyly and cute.
“What? Do I embarrass you?”
“A little”
“Does that mean you want to stop? The sex I mean?”
“I didn’t say that” He quickly refuted and I felt a pack of euphoric butterflies surge inside me.
“…You’ve become so confident, Jaejoongie”
“That’s because I’m no longer a child. I am a grown up man and I’m ready to take on the consequences of my decisions. Seunghyun made me realize it. I have made my choice. I don’t care if you want me or not. I want you. No one else”
After stating the so very flagrant truth, he stared at me and he traced his thumb above my lower lip, he pressed his finger inside and I sucked it, startled but I did. He took his finger from my mouth and licked it himself.
“I do want you. You are the only one” He kissed me, taking parts of my heart and soul with the sinful movement of his tongue.
“Who is the bitch?”
“Jaejoong!” He jumped.
I knew my cursing alarms him and I burst out laughing. Even if my jealousy was beginning to do rampage with my sanity, I could afford to laugh this much … right now with the bed sheets and his arms as my only shelter from the rest of the world.
“There was a woman in the video, she was so casual addressing you. Was she my replacement?”
He cupped my face and stared in disbelief. “Who are you talking about? I don’t have anyone but you”
“You do. She was there in the barbecue when it should be me. Is there a girlfriend you haven’t told me about?”
His eyebrow remained knitted for a couple seconds, before it relaxed almost comically. He shook his head, a big smile tugging his lips from one side. I pinched his waist, didn’t like his face at all.
“Oh she is pretty, isn’t she?”
I can almost know he is joking, but it isn’t funny. My mood changed in the next heartbeat and I hit his chest, gave him my back and pulled the blankets, leaving him exposed and hopefully cold.
“Noona is not a bitch or my girlfriend, sweetie. I’m indebted for life to her. She is an amazing oncologist”
I looked over my shoulder, my grouchy pout thinning.
“Yes, you my jealous kitten, no need to snatch noona’s eyes out. She is papa’s surgeon who got rid of the tumor. Her name is Hwang YooMi, she is married and has a chubby 9 year old girl named SooMi who wants to marry you”
“Eh?”
“Little SooMi likes you” He laughed. “I told her that I had a little boy too, not so little though and when I showed her your picture from high school, she said you were going to be her husband when she grew up”
“What? Poor child!”
“And I told her I’d be delighted” He laughed louder. “She is so cute, with her round, ruddy cheeks. You’ll love her”
“YAH!” I threw him a pillow. “I’m not for sale”
“Arayo~. I handed you to SooMi for free” He stuck his tongue out and disappear behind the bathroom door where I fired the last pillow.
“Fucker!” I hissed, not meaning it. I was smiling wide, breathing deeply, fully stretched in the bed with too much content inside my chest. I was back at home, with him; and it felt just like the old times.
Or maybe not…
A cold and dark atmosphere shortly embedded me, it made the little hair of my back rise. I opened my eyes. There he was, hovering over me, in all it’s strong and intimidating naked glory. I gasped. He wasn’t happy. He gathered me in his arms, towards the bathroom.
“We really need to rinse that mouth of yours, Jung Jaejoong”
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
A/N: IT ENDED! Again, it wasn't supposed to be half this long, but I have diarrea in my brain T__T ... that's why there's an epilogue /facepalm