Fifth.
Title:I love the way You lie.
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Heechul-centric
Rating: PG
Words: 702
A/N: First of all - I LOVE HANNIE. It just still hurts like hell that he left. And thinking about his leaving, about Heechul closing himself up for three months, well, this is how I see it. Sorry.
Think before you make up your mind
You don’t seem to realize
I can do this on my own
And if I fall I’ll take it all
It’s so easy after all.
SUM41 some say
Everyday a little piece of me used to die. For three months I’ve been losing myself bit by bit.
You took everything we shared, every moment we spent together, everything we were and turned it into worthless mass of rubbish. Anyone who sees it now frown in disgust. It all stinks with lies.
A dream-like reality we shared was just too perfect to last and I was too slow to realize. It hurt but I couldn’t even let the pain out or simply cry alone locked in my room because the feeling of guilt over helmed me. I was so close, next to you, yet not with you. Couldn’t see what was coming, couldn’t notice the decision building inside your heart. Couldn’t or probably didn’t want to see you drifting away from me.
I wanted to blame you, but couldn’t find the power to do so.
I wanted to let it all go, pretend it wasn’t this important.
I played my role in front of the cameras, I was the witty playful Kim Heechul to all of them, to all the people who were watching.
But lying to them wasn’t the same, wasn't as simple as lying to myself.
It took me two months to even start asking the question why.
Why haven’t you told me, why did you pretend everything was ok just waiting for a perfect moment, why haven’t I noticed.
Why did you simply smile at me the day before you left.
I didn’t know the answers and there wasn’t anyone who could help me find them either.
The room I spent those three months in was so familiar yet didn’t feel like home anymore.
Even the cats felt strange.
You always sat on a chair with Heebum on your laps, reading a book, drinking coffee, doing nothing, just thinking. You know Heebum is possessive and stubborn and picky. Who’s going to please an irritated Heebum now?
Have you taken the HAN from Heebum’s name with you?
The realization comes after a really long time of stagnation. But it’s not something that helps to stand up and live again. It’s something that makes me fall even further, although I was sure I reached the very bottom of my misery.
You’re not coming back. It’s not another work in China you have to do. You left me and forgot about me. You’re moving on, your plans don’t involve my name.
Thinking way back I was never a social person, first to judge and last to trust. Never had many friends, most of people didn’t want to take the effort to get close to me.
I don’t know why it was different with you, but it was.
Now I know it was a mistake, I shouldn’t have lost myself for someone I didn’t really know.
It doesn’t matter you understood me like no one before.
It doesn’t matter we were like twins, like people with connected brains and souls.
It doesn’t matter you were there all those crappy times when all I wanted was to get drunk and forget.
It doesn’t matter.
You’ve destroyed the connection and it’s never coming back.
Truthfully I didn’t believe you’ll really leave. I was sure you’re going to renegotiate the contract, scare us all but finally come back. I believed you wouldn’t just leave like that. Wouldn’t leave me without saying goodbye.
Surprisingly it was Hyukjae who woke me up.
He said that he, that they need me. He said that no one who makes someone suffer like that isn’t worth it.
And you know what? He was right. A man that makes someone cry is a fake, not a man.
Maybe someday I’ll forget and give my trust to someone again.
I believe I’m stronger now and slightly wiser.
So, honestly, thank you, Hangeng. You’ve opened my eyes.
I forgive you, I forgave you the day Hyukjae came to me.
Now, will you please excuse me, I have a life to live.
Alone, not leaning on anyone.
Comments and criticism are love~~