Written in September
This one's about an ex of mine. She should know who she is.
I remember you falling into my arms the day the wrecking-ball came crashing through your walls. From the driver’s sear she spat venom and acid into your eyes and sent you away, a crumbling mass of grief and loss. Why had she done it? Why had she turned on you? I remember the weight of your head-in-hands against my chest; the way you folded to fit perfectly in my arms. I can still feel the wracking sobs coursing through your muscles as if on a derailing train. And in a way, I guess they were. And why not? All at once, a best-friendship had crumbled to dust in a matter of seconds. And over what? I wonder if you ever still think about or have had the mindful motivation to figure this enigma out.
Jealousy, dear.
It was she who I had kissed on the night we met; it was she who had broken the ice. All through wearing that ridiculously insecure shirt…or was it a button? “Kiss Me It’s My Birthday!” it proclaimed. Could I figured the unstable one among the three of you? You bet I could, and on any other day, perhaps it may have been she I would have pursued.
But this wasn’t any other day.
I chose you.
And it was not she who I showed up at your school to see.
It was you.
And poor insecure girl, she never had a boy do that for her! So what better way to feel better about her own self than to crash through your walls by making a scene; by dragging you into her misery.
And she did.
Yet there I was, ever faithful, with open arms.
Thank God for small favors, and big hearts.
This is about another ex. She doesn't read these so I'll simply name her...
Lauren
When we parted on that fateful day, we both knew where I was going. I’m sure that we both fooled ourselves into thinking that the tears were just for that fact. But we knew. We both knew the end when we saw it, even though we were in denial until bitterness took us over completely. Yes. We knew. And as that song played endlessly on repeat, the tears flowed from our eyes like a river. I kissed you goodbye at your school and watched you as you became numb. I had done it. I had done it indeed. I broke my promise. I broke your heart.
“Just a little girl,” you said. “With such a fragile little heart. Please be gentile with me.” Through your drunken plea, I could see that fragile, battered, and cracked little heart, and I wanted to fix it. I wanted to prove to you that there was light to be found in this dark and frightening world. I wanted to show that there is indeed genuine good in this deadly swamp of evil. And though I failed to keep my promise
“Promise me…”
to you
“…you’ll never break my heart.?”
- the only term of virtual engagement - I hope yet and still that I somehow found a way
Yes? Did I?
to show you that there is truth behind the myths of love. There is light, and it has the power to suffocate and eradicate the darkness.
And perhaps I showed myself as much as I fantasize having shown you. Perhaps we both found room to grow.
And I still remember those tears. Such heavy grief to feel the end press down upon our hearts. But it gives me hope. Indeed it does. For I believe in there being two sides to every coin. If it is possible to experience so much fear, so much pain - and how can I possibly say that it is not? - then the fact is inescapable to acknowledge that it is also possible to experience that same level of joy and love.
You taught me that.
You.
9/17/05
Lauren and Sara both, this one is about...kind of a dreamy combination.
When I woke up
Her scent hung lazily
In the air
Coated
By the musk
Of a Camel
Flitting
And spitting
It’s carcinogenic
Deathly virus
Her own
Stunning me into silence
I catch my breath
And throw caution
To the wind
But when I open my eyes
Windows
To my desire
She is gone
Nowhere
To be found
The traces
Of she
And her habitual
Grotesque pet
There
And gone
A hallucination
Safe
Like the coming
Of the dawn
Yet painful
When found
To be false
Trickery
A ruse
Stamps and clippings
From a magazine
Sticking
To me
Fragile
And vulnerable
To wind
And rain dripping
Pattering
SPLAT PAT!
Soothing
Yet deadly in force
To the easily
Washed away
Taken at bay
By fearsome pirates
There to steal my soul
And to taunt me
With my memories
Keep me hostage
In my knoll
Grassy
And Glassy
Shattered
Like broken dreams
The cry
The scream
Of a bird
With broken wings
Exploding
Like emotions
Emoting
Bottled up and
Eroding
Chipping away
At the rock of sanity
Carving me
To the bone
Destroying
All semblance
Of an inner home
Peace and serenity
More than a pop movie
More than what moves me
But a statement
An exclamation
A proclamation
A declaration
Of independence
From myself
And all that I fear
And though
I can taste the end
As it draws near
I push it away
Without a lover
Without a friend
I dive for cover
My answer to why
I choose to die
On a day
Further away
Than today
Dreaming
My eyes
Stutter open
So many words
Not yet spoken
So many dreams
Not yet lived
Songs
Unsung
And though a chapter
Has just ended
Another’s
Just begun
Yet another dream
And when the sun goes down
And the stars start
Blessing the purple sky
With glittering essence
I am no longer
In myself.
I start to fly
And as the stars fall
Unto my soul
My heart breaks
And I cry
For as time crumbles down
And disintegrates
Reality splits in two
And I die
I remember you falling into my arms the day the wrecking-ball came crashing through your walls. From the driver’s sear she spat venom and acid into your eyes and sent you away, a crumbling mass of grief and loss. Why had she done it? Why had she turned on you? I remember the weight of your head-in-hands against my chest; the way you folded to fit perfectly in my arms. I can still feel the wracking sobs coursing through your muscles as if on a derailing train. And in a way, I guess they were. And why not? All at once, a best-friendship had crumbled to dust in a matter of seconds. And over what? I wonder if you ever still think about or have had the mindful motivation to figure this enigma out.
Jealousy, dear.
It was she who I had kissed on the night we met; it was she who had broken the ice. All through wearing that ridiculously insecure shirt…or was it a button? “Kiss Me It’s My Birthday!” it proclaimed. Could I figured the unstable one among the three of you? You bet I could, and on any other day, perhaps it may have been she I would have pursued.
But this wasn’t any other day.
I chose you.
And it was not she who I showed up at your school to see.
It was you.
And poor insecure girl, she never had a boy do that for her! So what better way to feel better about her own self than to crash through your walls by making a scene; by dragging you into her misery.
And she did.
Yet there I was, ever faithful, with open arms.
Thank God for small favors, and big hearts.
This is about another ex. She doesn't read these so I'll simply name her...
Lauren
When we parted on that fateful day, we both knew where I was going. I’m sure that we both fooled ourselves into thinking that the tears were just for that fact. But we knew. We both knew the end when we saw it, even though we were in denial until bitterness took us over completely. Yes. We knew. And as that song played endlessly on repeat, the tears flowed from our eyes like a river. I kissed you goodbye at your school and watched you as you became numb. I had done it. I had done it indeed. I broke my promise. I broke your heart.
“Just a little girl,” you said. “With such a fragile little heart. Please be gentile with me.” Through your drunken plea, I could see that fragile, battered, and cracked little heart, and I wanted to fix it. I wanted to prove to you that there was light to be found in this dark and frightening world. I wanted to show that there is indeed genuine good in this deadly swamp of evil. And though I failed to keep my promise
“Promise me…”
to you
“…you’ll never break my heart.?”
- the only term of virtual engagement - I hope yet and still that I somehow found a way
Yes? Did I?
to show you that there is truth behind the myths of love. There is light, and it has the power to suffocate and eradicate the darkness.
And perhaps I showed myself as much as I fantasize having shown you. Perhaps we both found room to grow.
And I still remember those tears. Such heavy grief to feel the end press down upon our hearts. But it gives me hope. Indeed it does. For I believe in there being two sides to every coin. If it is possible to experience so much fear, so much pain - and how can I possibly say that it is not? - then the fact is inescapable to acknowledge that it is also possible to experience that same level of joy and love.
You taught me that.
You.
9/17/05
Lauren and Sara both, this one is about...kind of a dreamy combination.
When I woke up
Her scent hung lazily
In the air
Coated
By the musk
Of a Camel
Flitting
And spitting
It’s carcinogenic
Deathly virus
Her own
Stunning me into silence
I catch my breath
And throw caution
To the wind
But when I open my eyes
Windows
To my desire
She is gone
Nowhere
To be found
The traces
Of she
And her habitual
Grotesque pet
There
And gone
A hallucination
Safe
Like the coming
Of the dawn
Yet painful
When found
To be false
Trickery
A ruse
Stamps and clippings
From a magazine
Sticking
To me
Fragile
And vulnerable
To wind
And rain dripping
Pattering
SPLAT PAT!
Soothing
Yet deadly in force
To the easily
Washed away
Taken at bay
By fearsome pirates
There to steal my soul
And to taunt me
With my memories
Keep me hostage
In my knoll
Grassy
And Glassy
Shattered
Like broken dreams
The cry
The scream
Of a bird
With broken wings
Exploding
Like emotions
Emoting
Bottled up and
Eroding
Chipping away
At the rock of sanity
Carving me
To the bone
Destroying
All semblance
Of an inner home
Peace and serenity
More than a pop movie
More than what moves me
But a statement
An exclamation
A proclamation
A declaration
Of independence
From myself
And all that I fear
And though
I can taste the end
As it draws near
I push it away
Without a lover
Without a friend
I dive for cover
My answer to why
I choose to die
On a day
Further away
Than today
Dreaming
My eyes
Stutter open
So many words
Not yet spoken
So many dreams
Not yet lived
Songs
Unsung
And though a chapter
Has just ended
Another’s
Just begun
Yet another dream
And when the sun goes down
And the stars start
Blessing the purple sky
With glittering essence
I am no longer
In myself.
I start to fly
And as the stars fall
Unto my soul
My heart breaks
And I cry
For as time crumbles down
And disintegrates
Reality splits in two
And I die