5
6
"Oh God, this is where you tell me that you're just a figment of my imagination and that I'm really crazy and that I made you up and oh my god, my life is a lie--" Kyungsoo rambled, on the verge of a panic attack.
"False, I'm too complex of a character for anyone to simply create." Jongin smirked before becoming serious again. "I'm not a figment of your imagination, although I wish I was because it would be so much easier for you to- for you to... to let me go and forget me that way and I-" Jongin choked on the beginning of a sob because he knew, he knew, he had fucked up for falling so desperately in love.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Let you go? Jongin what are you talking about? You told me, Jongin, you told me that you weren't dying or leaving me, you promised." Kyungsoo shook his head, his wide eyes swimming with confusion and panic.
"Sorry." Kai forced out. "So sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" Kyungsoo asked.
"Sorry." Jongin's shoulders shook and he turned his face away. "I'm really sorry."
"Jongin, what's going on?" Kyungsoo's voice rose in panic.
"Can you... listen to me for a while? Just listen, don't speak. Don't cry, please. I just want to get everything out, and I will, I swear it." Kai took a deep breath and wiped away the tears absently, restarting the engine and making an illegal u-turn towards the dance studio.
The ride was silent except for the occasional sniffles and concealed cries. Jongin pulled into the driveway and sat in the seat for a moment, readying himself for the onslaught of tears and pain.
As soon as they were composed and inside the building, Jongin grabbed Kyungsoo's hand and smiled one of those watery ' I really don't want to smile right now but I will because I love you' smiles and led him towards Yixings dance studio.
Kyungsoo was confused again, something he had grown to used to, but simply let Kai lead him because he trusted him.
They passed the clingy children and towards the blank dance instructor who seemed to already know what was about to happen. "It's that time around, huh?"
Jongin nodded grimly and walked into the empty room at the back. He plopped down on the floor and waited for his tiny lover to join him. "Listen, okay?"
Kyungsoo nodded.
"I love you." Kai started. Kyungsoo was about to respond but Kai shook his head. "I love you so much, and that was something that wasn't supposed to happen, but it did. I pursued you relentlessly, asked you out on dates, I pretty much initiated this entire relationship and it was a dick move, but I was not planning, at all, to be in a committed relationship and fall in love with you. I knew from day one that you were different than Suho and Miyoung and that you would stay, and I knew from day 2 that I was going to fall in love, but I ignored it because I thought I can't fall in love if I don't want to."
"And that, was by far, the stupidest thing I have ever done in my entire life. The reason I was so upset when I saw JunMyun hyung wasn't just because he broke up with me, but because of the reason. After I- after I told him about what I'm about to tell you, he left me because he said that he couldn't handle it. And I just want to tell you ahead of time that I will always, always love you. And this is going to be incredibly corny and disgusting, but I learned that you don't love with the brain, but with your heart. And my heart is perfectly fine, but my brain... my brain isn't, hyung."
"I'll love you no matter what." Kyungsoo broke the rules and spoke.
Jongin shook his head. "Please don't say that."
Jongin took another deep breath. "Kyungsoo, I told you that I grew up with Yixing, correct? And you've noticed that things aren't completely there for him."
Kyungsoo nodded. It was hard not to notice, Yixing was always blanking out and he forgot things in a span of minutes.
"Yixing has autism." Kai smiled gently. "He's one of the smartest kids you'll ever meet, but he has autism and can't really connect to things. The only thing that has stuck with him was dance.
We grew up together... in the orphanage. The same orphanage that little MiMi is from. The place that houses the kids with down syndrome, autism and other mental disabilities."
"So you..." Kyungsoo's brows furrowed together.
"I was... I was worse." Kai winced at the memories. "I was born with part of my brain turned off. I was one of those 'retarded' kids that people scowl at on the streets and are secretly disgusted by even though they give those patronizing smiles. I couldn't speak without slurring my words, I couldn't eat by myself, I was- I was worthless, Kyungsoo."
"But you're okay now." Kyungsoo shook his head. "I don't care about who you were in the past, I love you right now."
Despite the comforting intent behind the words, Kai's face fell and his heart shattered. "That's the thing, Kyungsoo. I'm not okay now, not anymore."
"I- I don't understand."
"I had surgery three years ago, an experiment, to turn the part of my brain on that wasn't working." Kai explained. "The medications I was taking regulated the blood flow and connected the nerve endings to that part of my brain. I wasn't expected to be this smart, and that's what makes this so hard for me. If I was born with my entire brain on, I would have been a real genius."
"But you're okay now." Kyungsoo repeated, standing up.
Kai sighed. "No. The surgery isn't permanent, it would have faded over time. The medications prolonged it, but since I threw them away, I... I'm not going to be genius Kai that you fell in love with. I'm going to be Jongin the kid with a mental disability that no one loved."
Kyungsoo bit his lip and took a step back.
"I bet you're wishing you didn't say you would always love me." Kai smiled sadly and leaned back against the wall. "I told you this over here so Yixing could take me home when you run away."
"No, no no no. I love you, I will always love you. No matter if you're intellectual Kai, or if you're less than intellectual Jongin, you are still Jongin to me. Funny Jongin, kind hearted Jongin." Kyungsoo reached for him with trembling hands.
"I'm not really a psychology major, you caught me on that lie a week after we met. But trembling hands are a sign of fear." Kai laughed to himself to keep from crying. "I wont say it's a lie that you think you'll love me the same when I'm less than capable, but it's not the entire truth, either. You fell in love with me because of my mind, but that's not going to last. I wont blame you for leaving."
Kyungsoo began to cry. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm an asshole, I know. I'm not smart, Kai. I'm not smart and I rely on you to take care of me and, and, I'm scared. I'm scared because I wont be able to take care of you when you- when you go back to your old self. I will crumble and destroy you and I'll hurt you without meaning to and that's- I- I'll still love you, I'm completely 100% sure I'll still love you, but Kai- I'm not smart." He said pathetically, his small body shaking with sobs while inhuman sounds clawed out from his throat in full out ugly cries that still managed to look adorable. "I'm so sorry."
"You can leave, Kyungsoo." Kai let the tears stream down his face. He didn't even look up as the door slammed open, and kept his watery gaze fixed on his reflection across from him. "I don't mind."
"No, Jongin, please listen, I-"
"Yixing, will you take Kyungsoo home please? I don't really want to see him right now." Kai knew the words were harsh but he felt he needed to hurt Kyungsoo to make him realize that he needed to leave Kai behind. Yixing awkwardly pulled Kyungsoo away while Sehun shut the door and enveloped the elder male in his arms.
"I'm so sorry, hyung." Sehun whispered into Kai's hair. "I'm sorry."
"I could've been as smart as you if I was born normally. Mom would have kept me. You wouldn't have been burdened. I wouldn't have been hurt. I could have had a normal relationship with the person I love instead of always being afraid and walking on egg shells because what if they don't love me when I'm back to myself?"
"You are not a burden, Jongin.Why did you throw your pills away, Kai? There was enough to last you at least half a year."
"Because I realized that I'm just hurting myself and Kyungsoo. I realized that... interrobangs aren't part of everyday punctuation for reasons. They're unnatural, they're used for rhetorical questions that aren't supposed to be answered, they were made because the decision between an exclamation point and a question mark was too hard." Kai wiped his tears and curled his knees up to his chest.
Sehun shook his head and sat next to his best friend. "You're one fucked up person, Kai. Interrobangs might not be used in formal writing, but formal writing is boring and lacks the aspect of casualty. You are different, Jongin, you are informal. You are used for irony and exclaimed questions with no answers. You are what every writer wants in their life."
7
A week passed. Jongin had dedicated his life to avoiding Kyungsoo because he 'didn't want to hurt him'. He purposely avoided the streets where he knew Kyungsoo walked, he took the long way to buy groceries and he only left the apartment when it was completely necessary or when Sehun would shove him out the door to 'get fresh air and stop being a fucking love sick drama queen'
"Leave the house, Jongin." Sehun sighed from the doorway of their room. "You can't stay here forever and expect me to ward off all of your visitors."
"Don't worry." Kai buried his face in his pillow. "They'll stop coming once I'm back to normal."
"Shut the fuck up." Sehun shook his head and grabbed his roommates ankle, dragging him off his bed. "That kid loves you. He'll love you even when you can't solve math problems in less than 3 seconds. Just go see him."
"I can't, Sehun. It's embarrassing. If I go to him now, he's literally going to have to watch me waste away. He's going to have to watch me slowly revert back to a state I don't want to be and it's going to hurt him." Jongin bit his lip. "And what if, what if when I'm back to myself, I wont love him anymore? What if I'm too dumb to recognize him or respond to his touches? I don't want that, Sehun."
"So what?" Sehun moved and sat next to the moping boy. "You're just going to not see him? He'll get used to it, Kai, it'll give him more time to adapt to it since it will be happening gradually. Do you honestly think that if you avoid him until you're completely back to that state, that he'll just forget about you completely?"
"Yes."
"Have you seen the way he looks at you? He gazes at you, Jongin. He never takes his eyes off you, he gravitates towards you. When you move, he moves. He's completely and utterly in love with you, and forgetting someone you love isn't easy. It's better for you to gradually let him see you slip away, than to have him show up when you're completely back to your former self while he still has the image of your current self implanted in his head. And God help me, Kai, if I have to play cupid and bring your love sick asses back together I will murder you."
"Aw, that's sweet." Kai smiled.
"Oh my god Jongin get the hell out of this house."
"It's an apartment."
"You know what? I'm not going to miss this about you." Sehun rolled his eyes. "You were much more cooperative when you couldn't talk back."
"That hurts me." Kai grasped at his chest and feigned pain. "But thank you, Sehun, really. When I'm back to being the blank kid, I'll try not to fuck things up for you."
Sehun snorted and rolled his eyes but he couldn't hide the adoring smile crawling up his face. With one last 'get your lazy ass up' he sauntered off to do whatever it was he did during the day.
Kai brushed a hand through his unruly hair that, even though messy, still managed to look perfect. He took a deep breath, steadied himself, and made his way out the door.
His hands trembled as he fumbled through his pockets for his wallet. He stopped by a couple stores before making his way down the familiar street. Somehow, he knew he wouldn't forget the way to Kyungsoo's home. Even if his mind was too weak to remember, his body would.
Jongin reached the house with a small frown, still unsure of his decision. He had no choice considering Sehun wouldn't let him back into their apartment if he was still running away from Kyungsoo. He knocked on the door and as soon as he saw those familiar eyes, now bloodshot and ringed in black) he couldn't speak and he forgot what he was doing.
Kyungsoo blinked blankly at Kai, whom he wasn't sure if he was still in a relationship with, as if it didn't register that he as actually there.
Kai cleared his throat and shoved Kyungsoo back into the house with the bouquet of flowers he had bought. "Sorry."
Kyungsoo didn't speak. Face still blank. Mouth slack.
The taller male pulled back with a dry laugh. "Are you mocking me? Practicing to match my facial expression later on?"
Kyungsoo finally snapped out of his unreactive state and with tremulous hands, pulled Kai's face down to his own. "You're here."
"I'm sorry."
"Do you hate me?"
"No."
"I'm only human, Kai. I'm sorry for reacting like that, it's just- it was hard to take in, you know? I just didn't expect something so-"
"Kyungie, where's the sal- oh, Jongin." Suho shifted awkwardly as he took in the situation.
Kai's eyes darkened and he pulled back from Kyungsoo's grasp(with much difficulty because he had missed him so much and he hadn't realized how good his touch felt), his fingers twitching. "Sorry. I didn't know you were... busy."
"No, Jongin, stay." Suho interrupted immediately and said Jongin wanted to sock the angel eyed male in the face because this is not your house, you have no right to be extending invitations but damn right I'm going to stay.
Ten minutes, three awkward throat clears, 4 coughs and 5 neck scratches later, Jongin was regretting staying and was wishing he hadn't come over. Kyungsoo was seated awkwardly next to Suho on the love seat(in which Kai wanted to scream "get any closer I'll murder you both and plead mental illness) while he sat across from them. The situation was completely wrong to him. He had expected to have a dramatic reunion with his lover who he had missed dearly, sad and tearful apologies and a steamy make up session, but instead, he felt like a father who was getting ready to scold his daughter and her boyfriend for being out too late.
"We weren't doing anything." Suho said, although the 'comforting' hand rubbing circles on Kyungsoo's back made it seem otherwise.
"I would rather you not speak," Kai said, his voice far from snapping, but nevertheless reprimanding. "You're not Kyungsoo's father, nor are you his boyfriend."
Suho's jaw slackened, to speak again supposedly, but shut at Kai's glower.
"We were just talking. About you." Kyungsoo added the last part with a guilty glance towards the floor.
Kai wanted to sarcastically snap about how that made him feel so much better, but decided against it. Instead, he took the route that was worse. "Deciding who to hook up with after I'm not smart enough for you? After all, you do like men who are intelligent, don't you? Suho did do, which is why he hooked up with me. Of course, after getting a few fucks, earning my trust and exposing every single one of my dark secrets, he learned that I wasn't all that smart and didn't even hesitate to drop me."
Both males across from him clenched their jaws.
"It was quite a scare, wasn't it, Suho? To wake up next to me and find me unresponsive and crying. Naked, might I add. I stayed up all night, or two, with you and showed you the time of your life. I was desperate,-whether I was desperate in love or desperate for you to love me doesn't matter- I completely blew off my pills. That was only a few months after the surgery, so it was much more dramatic than when it was with Kyungsoo. But I'm sure, so sure, you two had a wonderful time comparing the amounts of pain you inflicted on me. A bit off topic here, but out of mere curiosity, am I really a good fuck?" Kai's smile wasn't comforting but instead made Kyungsoo's stomach twist.
Kyungsoo sat up with a scowl. "We were actually discussing how I could get you back into my life."
"Right." Kai scoffed. "Because Suho is an expert at that. All that avoiding me like the plague, blocking me and forgetting I ever existed made him so experienced at trying to get someone back in his life."
All was quiet, so Kai took it as a cue to continue. "With Miyoung Noona, she was the daughter of the nurse who took care of me when I was younger and the nurse who saw my entire transformation from lacking to intelligent. She was the one who helped me get through the break up with Suho. She fell in love with me. But unlike you two, we broke up not because my intelligence was temporary, but because she fell in love with someone else. I was okay with that." He leaned back on the couch and swallowed the tears. "I have never had normality in my life, I was always treated as a lesser being, I was always pitied, I was never taken as a real and functioning person. What I'm saying is, I'm not bitter that you two broke up with me, but I'm bitter because you two were having a pity party for me but I wasn't even invited."
Suho bit his lip and stood up to leave. Minutes later, it was just the two awkward and upset more-or-less lovers.
"I wasn't aware we broke up." Kyungsoo whispered.
"Sorry. I thought the whole I don't want to see you and avoiding you thing made it clear." Jongin swallowed. "Can I... come back tomorrow? And start over? I- Suho wasn't supposed to be here. The thing with my depleting intelligence is that my patience goes down with it so I'm crabby and mean and no one ever wants to talk to me. I'll give you a day to prepare yourself."
Before Kyungsoo could protest or grab the younger and kiss him, he ran out the door.
He picked up the bouquet of flowers on the floor and burst into half laughs-half sobs at the card.
I'm sorry that my intelligence wont be able to cause you to have hard ons and that I wont be able to write you corny letters. However, if blank stares and mangled sentences turn you on, than I'm your man.
We may not be an interrobang any longer, but we can always be a different illegitimate punctuation. We can be an ellipse and a question mark. It gives a lot of drama and mystery, in my opinion.
So, will you accept my apology and consider, possibly, loving and or taking care of me...?
8
Kyungsoo stood staring at the door and mentally cursed at himself because he had just let the only person he wanted to see run out the away.
Kyungsoo shook his head and wiped his tears, urging himself to be strong for Kai's sake. He had come to the conclusion that he didn't want to give up their status as an interrobang. He couldn't, and he wouldn't. He gathered himself and dashed out towards his heart, his love, his destiny, and every corny word in the dictionary because Do Kyungsoo was madly in love with Kim Jongin.
His feet pounded relentlessly onto the cracked pavement, moving faster than he ever had in his life. Each step chanted Jongins name, urging him to continue his fast pace. Kai. Jongin. Jongin. Jongin. Kim Jongin. He reached Kai's apartment and knocked on the door. It swung open immediately, revealing a smug Sehun. "It took you long enough. Now get in there, I'll leave you two alone." The younger grinned, shoved Kyungsoo inside and shut the door as he exited to give them privacy.
Kyungsoo darted into the room to find Kai bundled up in the covers, only his dark brown hair peeking through. He walked over and tried to control his breathing(with much difficulty because that was the most exercise he had gotten in years).
"I thught I told you to go away." Kai grumbled, his voice hoarse.
Kyungsoo frowned and jumped on top of the lump in the bed, pressing down the sheets so Kai couldn't escape. "No." He whispered.
"What the flying fuck--" He struggled to pry the covers off his face but Kyungsoo used all his weight to shove the younger back down.
"No." He said louder. "Kim Jongin, I will not go away."
Said Jongin stilled but Kyungsoo didn't release his grip. "I wont go away, no matter what you tell me. It was wrong of me to seek help from Suho, I know and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted like that. I shouldn't have gone when you told me to go. I regret it all but I can't take it back, but Lord have mercy, Jongin you little shit, you already know that I'm not smart and that I make bad decisions so why on Earth would you take me seriously? Why did you have to make it like this..." Jongin sat up, Kyungsoo still on his lap, and pulled down the covers to find the crying man.
"Sorry." Jongin whispered. "But I warned you."
"Bull shit."
"I did." The younger smiled sadly, pulling Kyungsoo's fists from his face and stopping him from rubbing his already swollen eyes."I told you, when we first met, that I was a fan of the whole dramatic exit thing. I didn't expect for it to turn out quite like this, but it's all the same."
"Kim Jongin, you-" Kyungsoo breathed. "For someone so smart you're really really...stupid."
"I know." Jongin laid back down on his back and covered his eyes with his forearm. "I just don't want you to get hurt. I want you to remember me as how I am now, and not how I will be. Kyungsoo, you can do so much and you can get and be whatever you want--I don't want to hold you back and force you into being my caretaker for the rest of your life."
"What about what I want?" Kyungsoo clambered off of the taller male and sat down beside him. "What if I wanted you? What if I want to take care of you? Jongin, I'm not sure if you noticed but you can't force me into anything I don't want to do."
"Oh really." Jongin dead panned. "Going on a date with me, I forced you into that. Me moving into your apartment, meeting your parents--all things that required quite a bit of force on my end."
"I wanted to go on a date with you. I wanted you to move in. I wanted you to meet my parents. Just because I put up some protest , does not mean I didn't want you. Because if I really didn't want any of that, I would have put a restraining order on you and barricaded you from my life. I eventually gave you permission, not because of your persistent ways, but because of my own desire." Kyungsoo sighed. "Ok, prepare yourself and shut your mouth because I'm about to spew a lot of corny but true things, alright? Kim Jongin, I honestly do not care if you aren't smart. I don't care if I have to take care of you. I don't care if you push me away, or make me upset, or if you do stupid things because I will stay anyway. All that matters is that you're here next to me. I don't mind if you can't confuse me with your big words or woo me with poetry, because I never understood anything you said anyway. I love you. Kim Jongin, Kai, I love every bit of you and if you even try to wiggle your way out of my life, I will kill you. You are mine. I am not going to give up our status as an interrobang. If I have to cram knowledge into my puny brain, if we have to switch places, hell, I could honestly care less if we were both confused because... because our love is an interrobang, okay? Not us. Our love. We are questions without answers, exclaimed sarcastic remarks, excitement and disbelief-- we are informal but every writer out there has a desire to write about us. Because we are different. What we share can't be compared to a simple question, or an exclamation point, a period or even your damn ellipses because that represents hesitation and trailing off and we sure as hell are not ending this relationship. We are and always will be an interrobang."
Jongin was silent for a few moments, awe overtaking his formerly pained expression. "Do you realize what you just did?"
"I just delivered a dramatic soliloquy."
"It was a monologue, actually." Jongin smiled and Kyungsoo melted at the sight he didn't know he had missed until right then.
"No." Kyungsoo refuted. "It was a soliloquy because I didn't care if you were listening or not. I was talking to myself, telling myself that no matter what happened, I would love you. Although I had already known that, I needed to have a verbal representation of it. "
Jongin laughed loudly because I was just corrected by Do Kyungsoo, this is a historical moment. After his laughter faded out, he leaned his head against his wall and let out a contented sigh. "You just gave yourself to me. There's no turning back now, do you understand that? You can't give up on me. Even when everyone else turns their back on me, even if I give up on myself, you can never leave me."
Kyungsoo grinned and straddled Jongin once again. "I would never dream of it." He wrapped his arms around Jongin's neck and pulled him in for the kiss he had been craving for so, so long.
--
The hospital held bittersweet memories, and if it wasn't for the fact that it's where Kyungsoo and Kai started their relationship, most of the memories would be plain bitter.
There Kyungsoo was again, sitting outside of Kai's room waiting to be allowed in. Sehun was sitting awkwardly at the edge of the seat and he was more fidgity and antsy than Kyungsoo had ever seen him before. It suddenly dawned on him that Sehun was afraid of hospitals. "Sorry for making you stay with me. I forgot you didn't like hospitals... you can, uh, go if you like."
"May I ask how you know that about me?" Sehun asked with a slight smile, crossing his arms over his head and finally relaxing into his seat.
"Kai told me. When you and I first met and you made me go visit him, he said the reason you made me confront him was because you wanted to get out of the hospital."
"That little bastard." Sehun chuckled. "I didn't think he noticed. But yes, that is correct, I am not very fond of hospitals."
Kyungsoo contemplated asking why, but swallowed his words in fear that he would push too far. He felt he owed Sehun, in a way, because if it wasn't for his fear he and Kai wouldn't have gotten to know eachother.
"Why?" Sehun suddenly spoke and Kyungsoo groaned because he's doing that freaky mind reading thing again. The taller male rolled his eyes and proceded to mind read. "I'm guessing you feel like you are in debt to me, for forcing you to meet my roommate again and further engaging you into your fucked up relationship. No need to, though, because I was simply using you to my benefit. You seemed gullible, Kai likes gullible, I don't like hospitals. I figured Kai would force you two into a relationship and that would save me a few months of taking him to the hospital when he would inevitably get hurt. Of course, I didn't expect you two would last so long, but it still works in my favor."
"So... you're only using me."
Sehun scoffed. "You make it seem like we're the one in a relationship. But no, I am not using you. Would you like to know a secret?"
Kyungsoo didn't even bother to nod or make a signal in the affirmative because he knew Sehun would tell him anyway. And he did.
"I'm the one who ended Kai's relationship with Suho. Kai probably never told you, but he dragged on his relationship with Suho even though it hurt him. I saw it before he did. Suho started avoiding him when Kai told him the truth. But that poor bastard was too scared to realize it. So I made them break up."
"H-how?" Kyungsoo stuttered.
"I threatened the bastard that was... that was hurting Kai so much." Sehun laughed softly, his eyes taking on an angered expression.
Kyungsoo realized, then, what Kai meant about Sehun being like a mother figure. As much as the younger boy tried to hide his affection, he truly cared about Kai.
"I went to his house and knocked some sense into him. I knew that if Kai had to break up with Suho, rather than the other way around, it would hurt him more. He's like that. He wont end a relationship, no matter how trivial, unless I step in and get the other person to end it first. That's why it was such a surprise to see him break it off with you first."
Kyungsoo lowered his head in shame, biting his lip.
"I didn't tell you that to make you feel bad. The point is, if I thought you were bad for Kai, I would make you two end it. No matter how in love you are with Jongin, and no matter how in love he is with you... if you were to ever hurt him, I wouldn't hesitate to go to your house and scare you into breaking his heart. And although you did hurt him, I knew you would come back and make it better." Sehun laughed at the tears forming in Kyungsoo's wide eyes.
"You love him." Kyungsoo whispered, his small white hands wiping away the tears.
"Not in the same way as you do... but yes. I do love Kai."
"I love you too." Jongin's voice answered.
The two men turned their head to see Kai leaning against the door frame behind them, his expression teasing and Sehun scoffed once again. "Whatever. I'm going now."
"Thank you." Jongin suddenly said. "For everything. You're my best friend, Sehun, I don't know why you are, but I thank you for that."
"The almighty Kim Jongin thanking me? What a glorious day." Sehun sighed in content but his face showed it all. "I'll see you later."
After Sehun left and Kai was inside Kyungsoo's car, the smaller man turned to him. "You knew that Sehun did all those things?"
"Of course I did. I'm-- well, I was a genius. I didn't stop him because he feels like he needs to take care of me. It's for my sake, and for his own conscience." Jongin laughed.
Kyungsoo nodded and asked the question he was dreading for so long. "What were the results of the tests?"
"Well, my brain functioning is beginning to go back down. And there were some... things."
"What kind of things?" Kyungsoo whispered, voice barely functioning.
"The... repercussions of the surgery is that I wont be the same as I was before."
"I thought that was expected." Kyungsoo pointed out.
"I mean, I wont even be the same as I was even before the surgery. There are chances that more parts of my brain will shut down. We can't know for sure until it... happens."
--
"Are you sure you can..."
"I'm fine." Jongin snapped at his worried boyfriend. His motor skills were beginning to deteriorate and his legs often gave out from under him. "I can get water myself."
Kyungsoo hovered near the taller male, waiting to catch him if he fell.
Kai sighed, his fingers shakily grasping the glass of water. He sent glare towards Kyungsoo, silently telling him to give him space. Kyungsoo, ever since Kai's fall a few weeks after his appointment, had been hovering nonstop. He tended to Kai's every need, whether the younger wanted it or not.
"I'm sorry it's just--"
"I am still capable. For Gods sake, Kyungsoo, this is what I was afraid of. More than you hating me, I was scared that you would treat me like I can't do things. I'm still human. I can still speak. I can still walk. I don't need you to do every single thing for me. I don't like feeling belittled."
Kyungsoo bit back his lip. Their relationship had begun to be a bit rocky as the days passed but both men were still keeping their promise. No matter what, Kyungsoo wouldn't leave Kai behind.
"You're right." Kyungsoo nodded. "I'm sorry. I was just worried that you would get hurt. I didn't think about how you would feel."
"No, I shouldn't have snapped it's not your fault--" Kai's face stiffened and the glass fell from his hands.
Everything seemed to go in slow motion. Kai's face contorted in pain and his body began to collapse. The glass shattered, starting Kyungsoo into action. He immediately reached for Jongin but it was too late. His heart dropped to his stomach as soon as Kai had fallen to the ground.
Kyungsoo rushed to help Kai up but he froze, eyes widening in terror, hands trembling in cold sweat.
It was different this time.
Jongin didn't get up immediately and laugh it off, but he stayed on the ground, limbs splayed out in odd angles, as if gravity was forcing him down. He began to whimper and his body convulsed, his eyes rolling back into his head.
"Jongin!" Kyungsoo screamed, reaching for him. He called the ambulance and sputtered out the address. His hands hovered over his boyfriend in fear of hurting him and he hadn't felt so useless in his entire life. Frustrated and frightened tears poured down his cheeks because Jongin is hurting and I can't do anything but watch like an idiot.
Jongin finally relaxed from his stiffened posture and Kyungsoo pulled his sweaty head into lap as he hugged him to his chest. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry. I'm here, it will be okay. It will all be okay." He was speaking more to himself, than to his boyfriend. "I am so sorry."
Kyungsoo waited with Jongin in his arms for what seemed like hours until the medics came and pried the unconscious boy from his arms and whisked him to the hospital as he sat in the back seat of the wailing ambulance, his sweaty palms grasping Kai's cold hands in a death grip.
Once again, Kyungsoo was sitting outside of the hospital room. He decided, right then, that the hospital would always be more bitter than it would be sweet.
Sehun rushed into the hospital and scanned the room until he found Kyungsoo's hunched figure.
"What happened?" Sehun whispered, his voice cracking as he walked over. Worry wrapped around his heart like a vise and all oxygen was robbed violently from his lungs as he saw Kyungsoo's panic stricken face. He begged, silently, please God let Jongin be okay. The seconds Kyungsoo took to answer were too long and fear injected itself into Sehun's veins.
"I- I don't know. We were talking and he- he just fell. I thought it was like last time, but he started... I think it was a seizure... Sehun I couldn't do anything but watch and I was scared I don't know what to do--"
The younger boy wrapped Kyungsoo in his arms as tears began to form in his own eyes.
"He'll be okay. I promise." But that was one thing that Sehun wasn't sure of, but could only hope.
Kyungsoo pulled away and tried to compose himself, remembering again that the younger was afraid of hospitals. The words were on the tip of his tongue when Sehun shook his head. "I'm not leaving."
Kyungsoo was secretly relieved because somehow he knew if he didn't have Sehun by his side he would quite possibly go insane.
"I never got to tell you why I was afraid of hospitals." Sehun's voice was weak and tired.
And for once, Kyungsoo was the one who knew what Sehun was going to say next.
Nobody actually feared hospitals.They feared the negative connotations that came along with the word hospital. They feared the emotions that came with it. They feared the uncertainty. The feared the worry. They feared the pain, heartache, memories of sitting in a dimly lit hallway, head in hands, tears on cheeks and heart in stomach.
They feared the worst.
And that, Kyungsoo completely and utterly understood.
9
Kyungsoo had persuaded Sehun to go home hours ago, telling him that he'd call him if anything happened. Sehun was worried Kyungsoo wouldn't be able to handle being alone but the elder had so convincingly flicked his forehead and more or less forced him out of the hospital to get some rest.
Kyungsoo placed his head in his hands and took a deep breath, his eyes burning in fatigue. A loud crash had the worried man darting past the doctors, who had specifically told him to wait outside, and into the room where he saw Kai standing in anger.
"Jongin." Kyungsoo said, voice barely above a whisper as he ignored the protests of the hospital staff.
"Take me home." The boy demanded weakly. "I'm feeling better, I want to go home."
His appearance, however, stated otherwise. He had dark circles under his blood shot eyes and his stature was shaky and unstable. Not to mention he was bleeding from where he had presumably ripped out his IV drip.
"Sir, we need to keep you in for at least two more days to observe--"
"No." Kai interrupted the doctor with a glare. "You already knew that this was going to happen. It was expected, we've been through this. Doc, if I'm going to... waste away, I want to do it in the comfort of my own home. Not in a dingy hospital while my boyfriend waits outside without getting a wink of sleep. You don't understand how hard this is for the patient and his loved ones because you're simply doctors who aren't affected by anything that happens to us. You're just spectators who are watching the latest drama. But shows over, I'm going home."
Kyungsoo bit his lip to keep in the cry threatening to tear itself out of his throat. If Jongin can be strong, he thought, then I have no right to cry. "I'll be fine, Jongin. If you want to leave because you're worried about me, I'll go home. Do what's best for your health--"
"Being in this hospital will make me go insane before I become brain dead." Kai didn't bother sugar coating his words and Kyungsoo didn't know whether he should be happy that Kai had enough strength to argue or if he should be upset that he honestly believed there was no hope.
Despite how haggard Jongin's appearance was, he mustered enough strength into his voice and confronted the primary doctor. "Just tell us what to do if this happens again."
And the doctor had no choice but to comply because Jongin had so dramatically threatened to break everything and refuse to eat. They couldn't simply sedate him since it wasn't good for his condition. They eventually agreed(with much reluctance) and the two were huddled up on the couch of their small apartment hours later, silence engulfing them.
"I'm sorry." Jongin said softly and Kyungsoo wanted to slam the youngers head into a table but it wasn't good for his condition and he loved him too much to do it. Jongin wasn't supposed to do that, Kyungsoo thought, it was him who was supposed to be apologizing, not the other way around.
"No, I'm sorry." Kyungsoo interrupted. "I'm sorry for hovering and being stupid and not giving you space to breathe. I was just... scared. And you're probably going to hate me, but be damn sure that I'm going to continue to hover."
"No." Jongin frowned.
"It's either that or I get you a helmet. And I will bedazzle it and you'll be embarrassed but you wont be able to do a single thing." Kyungsoo threatened.
"I love you." Jongin said suddenly, smiling at his boyfriends weak threat. "I love you very much. Thank you for not leaving me."
"I promised I wouldn't." Kyungsoo sighed. "Let's take a shower."
"Together?" Jongin raised his eyebrows in surprise because ever since the last time they showered together(when Jongin took advantage of the smaller male) Kyungsoo had insisted that Kai never go into the bathroom with him again because 'it's a waste of water and a pain in the ass to clean up the floor'.
"Together."
The hot water was pouring down their bodies in no time and Kyungsoo let out a sigh of content as Jongin massaged shampoo into his hair. He leaned into the touch and Jongin grinned his typical grin, giving him a chaste kiss on the lips.
Kyungsoo wrapped his arms around the tallers waist and pulled him until they were pressed against one another. He placed his head on Jongin's shoulder and buried his face in his neck.
And he began to cry.
The water mixed with his tears and Jongin had no idea and that's exactly what Kyungsoo wanted. He wanted to be able to hold Jongin and cry into him without causing him pain and guilt. He tried to stifle the shaky breaths and keep the sniffles to a minimum. Jongin rocked them back and forth to the music of the shower, caressing his hair.
Jongin knew Kyungsoo was crying. But that was exactly what he wanted. He wanted Kyungsoo to be able to cry into him without feeling guilty or ashamed. "I love you." Jongin murmured gently, holding him closer.
When the youngers soapy hands eventually began to trail southward, Kyungsoo didn't stop him.
They wanted to be together, both as emotionally and physically close as possible, because they both knew this would possibly be their last time.
--
The doctors were right when they said the seizures would get more frequent as time went on. Jongin had to stay home most of the time and all the sharp corners in the house were wrapped and cushioned, or 'child proofed' as the younger liked to call it.
Jongin hated it, but he didn't say anything because he knew it was necessary. In the two months, he had gotten more than many black eyes and split lips from the random violent seizures but he still blatantly refused to wear the helmet. He wanted to keep the last shred of his dignity, he said.
Kyungsoo, like promised, was always around. He managed to catch Jongin when he fell but sometimes it happened so quick that it was impossible to grab him in time.
Jongin was getting quieter, too, and Kyungsoo was pretty sure he knew why.
--
Four months in and Jongin was bed ridden and forbidden from getting up(Kyungsoo had threatened to strap him down to the bed if he tried. Jongin called him crazy. He laughed too hard at that). Now, accompanied with the seizures, his legs and arms would give out and he would fall more often than not.
Kyungsoo lay next to the sleeping Kai and curled up into his side, whispering empty promises of recovery. He kissed Jongin's shoulder and sighed.
He was exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally. He had more control over his tears now and he was better at pretending that he was okay, but it was all just that. Pretend.
Kyungsoo wanted nothing more but to take Jongin's place and take his suffering away. He had said he wouldn't miss Jongin's witty comments and random rants, but he did. He missed it so much and he rarely heard him speak anymore.
"Are you crying?" Jongin's words came out slurred and jumbled as if he forgot how to use his mouth. His voice was rough from sleep and they weeks of silence.
"No." Kyungsoo said. "I'm not crying. Go back to bed."
Jongin shifted and wrapped his arms around the elder, pulling him into his chest and pressing his lips in his hair.
Kyungsoo woke up to Jongin pressed into the sheets, body twisted into weird angles and he bit his lip. He carefully straightened him out as he had for the past months and got up to get a wet rag. He wiped the sweat from Jongin's face and whimpered as he saw the pain contorting his boyfriends thin face.
He was crying now.
--
Five months in and Kyungsoo was sure he was going crazy. He still refused to leave his boyfriends side.
He was just as quiet as Jongin and wouldn't meet anyone other than Yixing and Sehun who visited often.
It was Wednesday morning, Sehun was sitting in the arm chair and Kyungsoo held Kai's hand near his bed.
"I talked to the doctors." Sehun said. "And they said it was best if Jongin was readmitted to the hospital so he could be comfortable when... you know."
Kyungsoo kicked the boy out of the house without a word and slammed the door shut. Sehun didn't visit as often anymore.
Kyungsoo was sure he was crazy.
They brought it up alot, that Kai wasn't going to make it.
They said he would lose what little motor skill he had left.
They said eventually, his major organs would shut down.
They said eventually, he would shut down.
That Kim Jongin was going to seize to exist.
And Kyungsoo was sure he was crazy because he didn't believe a single word. He knew, he knew Jongin would make it. Somehow, he knew that it wasn't just wishful thinking or some desperate plea to the lords because he was completely and utterly sure that Jongin wasn't going to die.
--
Kyungsoo buried himself in books and notes and documentaries about neurology and medicine. In between checking on Jongin and talking to the now mute boy, Kyungsoo did nothing but study.
He wouldn't sleep. He didn't want the nightmares. It had been three days and counting since his last 4 hour nap and the bags under his eyes were taking over his entire face. His cheeks had sunken in and his lips were always chapped and blue.
Jongin, through half lidded eyes, watched as Kyungsoo deteriorated along with him but he couldn't say a thing. He couldn't even wipe away his own tears without struggling.
Unlike Kyungsoo, all Jongin did was sleep. It was his escape. He dreamed of damsels in distress, knights in shining armor, kisses under moonlight, hot showers and Kyungsoo.
Call him crazy, but he knew he wasn't going to die.
--
Sehun visited again with Yixing, the first time in a few weeks. "I'm sorry." Was the first thing the younger said and Kyungsoo accepted it with a curt nod.
"How is he?" Sehun asked gently.
"He hasn't gotten worse, but he hasn't gotten better, either." Kyungsoo said, his voice rough and cracked. "He's at a stand still."
"Don't take offense to this... but when was the last time you ate? Or showered. You look awful." Yixing raised his eyebrows and Kyungsoo laughed. Jongin twitched in his sleep.
"It's been a week. I've just been reading a lot. I lose track of time." Kyungsoo grinned.
"How about you go shower and I'll make you something to eat. I'm sure Jongin won't wake up." Sehun proposed and after a few moments Kyungsoo agreed.
He was drying his hair and walked into his room to find Yixing staring at Jongin with his eyebrows furrowed. He murmured a few things before turning and telling Kyungsoo to eat the porridge on the table. He told him that Sehun had left to work.
"He's going to get better." Yixing said suddenly and Kyungsoo dropped his spoon and looked up with wide eyes. He knew it himself, but no one ever agreed with him.
"I know it's not a sickness that can be cured, but... I don't know. It's crazy." Yixing laughed. "I've told people but they just shrug it off because I have autism and stuff."
"No. You're right." Kyungsoo patted his head. "I know he's not going to die."
Yixing left and Kyungsoo was suddenly at ease.
A few days later, Jongin was rushed to the hospital once again. Fear gripped Kyungsoo's heart but he didn't let it shake him.
He waited for what seemed like days until the doctor came out with news.
"I think there's a way to save him."
And Kyungsoo smiled because he already knew.
10
It was three o'clock in the morning when Kyungsoo heard Jongin admit to something that tore the elder apart. It was long past visiting hours, but Kyungsoo had insisted that he stayed and the nurses couldn't argue because it was obvious that Jongin needed him.
"...sleepy..." Jongin mumbled through the oxygen mask, eye's lidded. He was on heavy medication and the doctors had warned him that it would be difficult to speak. But leave it up to Kim Jongin to find someway to voice himself even in the harshest moments.
"Shh, I know..." The smaller male whispered, running his fingers through his boyfriends hair. "Don't talk anymore. Go to bed, your surgery is in a few hours."
"...Kyungsoo?" Jongin called after a moment of pained silence. Kyungsoo looked up.
It's moments like this, Jongin thought, when whatever you say could be the last thing that your lover will ever hear from you, this is when your mind goes blank. Jongin wanted to tell Kyungsoo how sorry he was, how much he loved him, how he really wanted to spend the rest of his life with him and hold him and love him unconditionally. He opened his mouth to speak but all that could come out was a weak and strained, "I'm scared."
It was three o'clock in the morning, and Kyungsoo's heart broke.
But he preferred this more than another 'I love you', Kyungsoo told himself, and he leaned over Kai's skinny body and kissed his forehead. "You'll be okay." He whispered. "We'll be okay."
Jongin feebly smiled and closed his eyes.
--
Kyungsoo was waiting, once again. He sat in the dimly lit hall as he took deep breaths and fiddled his thin fingers. He knew, he knew, that Jongin was going to be okay, but being in the hospital, being forced to see the reality of the situation had shaken him to his core. "He'll be fine." Kyungsoo whispered to himself.
The doctor had spoken to him before Jongin was sent into surgery, he had told Kyungsoo that Jongin wouldn't be the same, even if he recovered, and the small male had rolled his eyes because he had been told that over and over again.
"We're removing half of his brain. Although there are not many situations like Jongin's, it is not something unknown. Since his brain is beginning to shut down, we're removing it before it could spread. His recovery will be difficult and, chances are, he may never be able to live as he did before." The doctor had told him.
Kyungsoo stiffened but nodded. "I know."
"But-" The doctor looked up with gentle eyes. "I have a feeling the boy will make it through with you by his side."
As much as Kyungsoo tried to hide it, he was devestated. He couldn't deny that he had fallen in love with Kai because of his witty personality-- every fond memory he had was with Jongin and his sarcastically spastic ramblings.
But Kyungsoo choked down his doubt and told himself that it would all be okay, because Jongin would always be Jongin and he would love him no matter what.
--
Jongin didn't wake up. He went into a comatose slumber and Kyungsoo began to delve into a panicked insanity. It was ironic, really, both halves of the pair losing their minds.
The world is cruel.
--
"It's been a month and he's not showing any response." The doctor said. Kyungsoo stared. He stared and stared and stared, wide eyes, gaunt cheeks, parted lips, he stared.
"I'm not giving up on him." Kyungsoo said, oddly resigned. "You're not allowed to, either."
The world is so, so cruel, to want to take away such a beautiful mind.
Everything Kyungsoo had known was shattered.
--
A year into breathing through tubes and being connected to various machines just to stay alive, Jongin moved.
A year into standing by Jongin's bed side, laboring to pay off the enormous bills, praying to the Gods and cursing their cruelty, Kyungsoo smiled.
--
Jongin opened his eyes days later, and immediately caught Kyungsoo's gaze. He weakly lifted off his oxygen mask and he spoke. "Hey."
Kyungsoo grinned and leaned over, pressing their foreheads together. "Hey you."
The left side of Jongin's brain was removed, the right side of his body was paralyzed, but Jongin was awake and alive and talking and Kyungsoo cied for the first time as he took Jongin's face in his hands and kissed him.
--
"I still can't believe it." The doctor laughed, clapping Kyungsoo on his back. "His recovery is going better than we expected. It's amazing, really, a miracle. It's hard to believe that just one year ago he was comatose."
"Yeah, well." Kyungsoo scoffed at Jongin who was running down the hall to them with open arms, only a slight limp on his left leg, "Jongin is surprisingly-"
"You son of a bitch." Jongin breathed, looping an arm around Kyungsoo's neck. "You told me you were done paying off the bills, why did you lie to me?"
"I didn't?"
"Kyungsoo." Jongin grinned. "You're forgetting that despite half of my brain, the left side, might I add, the one that controls my critical thinking, being completely removed, I am still infinitely more intelligent than you are. I don't know how you managed to hide it from me, but I'm not going to let you pay them off alone. Maybe I'll write a book about it, or become a lab rat, because I know these doctors have been yearning to poke around at me. They would be all up in this if you weren't growling at everything that comes near me."
Kyungsoo's face flamed as Sehun and the doctor laughed besides him. "I liked it better when you couldn't speak."
"False." Jongin pressed a kiss to Kyungsoo's temple. "You lie."
The doctor smiled warmly. "I really do have a lot of questions."
"I know." Kyungsoo grinned.
--
To every question ever asked, to each prodding and personal inquiry, Kyungsoo would smile and answer with one sentence.
"The doctors are saying that Jongin's surprising awakening and recovery was mainly because he had you by his side. How did you do it?" The journalist asked in awe.
Jongin gave Kyungsoo a knowing grin. "Life is an interrobang."
Surprising, full of disbelief and questioning, unanswered inquiries, a question mark and an exclamation point.
Life goes on, it's your choice if it ends with periods and ellipses.
But to Jongin and Kyungsoo, they've both always preferred the informal.