[ Fic ] Sorry
Title: Sorry
Genre: Song-fic/Angst
Pairing: Kitayama Hiromitsu x Fujigaya Taisuke
Rating: NC-17/R
Warning(s): +Points at the rating+
Disclaimer: I do not own the boys :/ and neither the song.
Notes: Italics describes a flashback.
The song is "Sorry" by Daughtry.
Thanks to xxxvengeancexxx for being a wonderful beta ♥
[ Will you listen to my story?
It’ll just be a minute,
How can I explain?
Whatever happened here never meant to hurt you,
How can I cause you so much pain? ]
He came back home a couple hours later.
Probably he’d have found it empty for real, if it wasn’t for his dog. After putting down the car keys onto the first table he found, he walked into the kitchen. He wanted something rough to drink. He didn’t care if he’d had too much alcohol for the whole day, he needed to drink anything to shut up his brain and let his thoughts fade away.
He had to understand why he yelled like a crazy that morning. Someone could have the right to think that he was insane, if they had seen him screaming for nothing. Because he did that, he burst without any reason.
“Goodnight Hiro-chan~”
If he was to say that all of his negative actions came out for that phrase would it justify him or just make him crazier?
What sane human being became acid until being close to a hysterical crisis, only for a “goodnight” said with a sweet tone?
Kitayama Hiromitsu never was a calm type. To tell the truth, most of the time he was in trouble by his own doing, risking to mess with the people who cared for him. But he never, ever yelled at one of his friends, at his…well, lover maybe?
The one with Fujigaya was his first real relationship. The only long-lasting one that he’d had in his 23 years and that morning, from nothing, he decided to throw it into the nettle.
If he thought well, he could understand what the real reason of that scene was, why he was so angry with the younger one and it wasn’t for that stupid goodnight.
It was for the inadequacy that he felt every time Taisuke was close to him. For the inferiority that he felt every single day, maybe it wasn’t Fujigaya’s fault. It was just Hiromitsu. He couldn’t bring himself into that relationship. Probably not being able to feel himself within their story brought him to a certain point, a point where he didn’t want to stay with the other.
“I love you Hiromii”
How much he wanted to avoid those words coming out from Taisuke’s mouth.
He said to him so many times. He told him not to fall in love with him, not to try to put all of what they were living to a higher level. Because in that case Hiromitsu knew very well that he wouldn’t be able to give voice to his own feelings. But Fujigaya was stubborn. He had always been in fact, and he didn’t stop to say that he loved him. He didn’t protest when Kitayama gave him a kiss on the forehead instead of saying “I love you too”.
If only he’d known how to reply to that phrase, he would do it. He cared about Taisuke in the end, and for all of the time they spent together as a couple, he’d fallen in love with the other. He just couldn’t say it aloud. For that reason he avoided the subject.
“Why are you treating me like this?”
“Because I want to...?”
He didn’t want to do it in reality. He found a way to break up with him.
He wanted only to stop to feel oppressed by all of his sweet words, by his entire tender caresses, by everything that put him in pleasure. All because the same pleasure and the same sweet feeling that Taisuke gave to him, became pain, a throbbing pain that he couldn’t overcome.
Before that moment he hadn’t thought to be in love with someone. Everyone knew how much Hiro was not inclined to love, how much he didn’t believe in it. He convinced himself of not to be able to feel it, but then Taisuke came along and something within him began to burn.
It was a beautiful day he started to realize that the person who belonged to his own group, to his own job, the one who knew him for years now, was something more than a simple friend. He started his journey of the exploration of Fujigaya Taisuke after a particular dream. From that night on he noticed that there was something strange towards the younger and indeed it wasn’t normal to dream about the other one in a very hot and erotic way. Especially if in his dreams there would only be women.
If only he was able to say how he felt for him without feeling inadequate, then probably everything about that morning wouldn’t have happened. During the exchange Nikaido was there and he saw it all.
Putting down the first glass of alcohol he had at home, he looked at the phone. It was like it was calling him saying that he should repair his relationship, that he must do something to avoid hurting Fujigaya more.
Would he listen to him? If he had called Fujigaya begging him to hear what he had to say, would he do it?
“Cry, come on, you only ever do this!”
He was a real bitch, wasn’t he?
Hiro replied to him in a horrible way and the loved person didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
He was staring again at the phone like it was a mirage. He had to find the courage to take it and dial Taisuke’s number. And then he let destiny make his path, to face the consequences of his own actions. Before that, he’d taken something else to drink. Maybe the alcohol would help him to find the right words for making some excuse about earlier.
^ Hello?^
“Ta-Taisuke…”
He was stuttering and he didn’t want to do it but his voice did the opposite of what his brain was saying. So now he was half drunk with his phone in his hand and a strange stutter. It was a petty beginning for asking forgiveness, wasn’t it?
But he noticed that Taisuke’s voice wasn’t the same. He was sleeping or crying. Maybe thinking that the other was suffering for him was a little too much egotistical, but he hoped for it.
^Did you dial the wrong number Hiro?^
Why did he do it? It wasn’t so much stupid as not knowing which number he was calling. He wanted hear Fujigaya, not someone else.
Maybe the other was only surprised of hearing him again after what he had said less nicely about disappearing from his life.
“I don’t need to stay with a baby. It’s over Taisuke, get out my house and leave my life.”
But he needed his baby, right?
“I wanted to talk with you, about this morning.”
^ You were clear enough, weren’t you? What do you want to add? That my kisses disturbed you? That I moaned too much?^
Hiromitsu was an idiot to believe that Taisuke would hear what he had to say without a grudge, wasn’t he? Kitayama always had a good and innocent idea of Taisuke. He didn’t count the fact that once he was hurt, the other man could be rancorous like towards everyone.
How could he explain his version of events if Taisuke started to attack him and not take him seriously?
“I didn’t want to hurt you Taisuke. What happened, I didn’t want it.”
“N-no, wait Hiro!”
He took his car keys ignoring Fujigaya, who was still crying. He couldn’t go to him and hug him, even if in that moment that was the only thing Hiro wanted to do.
He’d decided to break up with the younger man so he must be the one to put the end word on their relationship which was making him crazy. It wasn’t Taisuke’s fault. The other was too sweet to make any mistakes. It was all his own fault, and his stupid attitude. Being with the other he’d never be able to live that story in peace and he wouldn’t be able to say those stupid three words.
He was also doing all of this for Taisuke. Yes, because if he left him, he could find another person who able to make him happy.
^ I do…don’t know if I can believe in you Hiro. You know, every time I said to myself, “Hiromii will understand one day, he’ll try to feel something for me and he will tell me that, so my “I love you” won’t remain like a stone between us.” I have always hoped that that day would come, I believed that sooner or later something would change because I knew how much you were able to love…but I was wrong.^
He started to think he wasn’t able to love.
How much did it hurt? Hiro realized how much the only person about he cared about thought of him as an empty container? Like everybody did.
Hiromitsu was too rough with Taisuke. That was why they were at that point. That was why Fujigaya was talking of him at past.
“I…I love you Hi-Hiro!”
He bit Taisuke’s shoulder while he was coming inside him, he heard what he had said but he decided that ignoring it was the only thing to do.
It wasn’t the first time. Taisuke said the same phrase during sex more than once. Hiro thought that it was some kind of reflex considering the fact that the other never said it outside the bed. When he was out of him, he laid over his part of the mattress and stared at the ceiling. The last thing he was expecting was the feeling of Fujigaya’s hand on his arms; he was trying to get them around himself. It was the first time he did that.
“I really do love you Hiro.”
He still remembered the disappointed expression on the other face after one of his first silences.
Was he that cruel to put him in so much pain? Especially on that day.
[ When I say I’m sorry,
Will you believe me?
Listen to my story,
Say you won’t leave me.
When I say I’m sorry,
Can you forgive me?
When I say I will always be there,
Will you believe, will you believe in me? ]
“Did you wait for too long?”
Taisuke shook his head.
They were supposed to meet at some shopping center that afternoon and, as usual, Hiromitsu arrived late. It wasn’t something that he did on purpose, it was just… it.
Sure, for their first date he could be on time, but he knew that Fujigaya didn’t complain about his attitude, not even for something important like their first date.
“Let’s go”
“I was thinking that you’d want me to stay on this bench for too long~”
Taisuke hung up the phone on him, telling him to stop with that story, their story, since it wasn’t useful.
He deserved it, didn’t he? Treating him bad was some kind of defense mechanism and it would be hard to get through it. He knew it well because it was the same thing that happened to him every time he tried to say that he loved him, but he hadn’t realized how much it hurt the younger one.
Being infuriated was a new thing for him. There wasn’t a she or he that said “no” to him. He was Kitayama Hiromitsu just for that. No one could resist him and refuse him. Fujigaya didn’t care about who Hiro was.
He didn’t care what Kitayama did for a living. It was the same job as him anyway.
To Taisuke he was simply the bastard who broke his heart and didn’t say a single time that he loved him and thought to break up with him using a stupid excuse.
Hiromitsu could try to ask for his forgiveness however much he wanted to, but Fujigaya didn’t want to listen to him, nor if he had explained why he busted out like that in front of Nikaido.
Not even telling him how he felt wrong staying with him, would allow him to put down the wall that was being formed between them. But he was too stupid to not confess before all this mess? Maybe if he had said how he felt earlier, they could have found a solution together, because Taisuke was the type of person who helped everyone, especially Kitayama.
^ Let it go Hiro, you’ve chosen already^
Taisuke ended the phone call, but Hiromitsu wanted to say not to leave him alone, to not go away and to forgive him. But he couldn’t say it because it was too late.
“O-ouch..”
“Try to bear with it, ok? The pain will fade soon.”
“It will be better for you Hiro-chan.”
The older guy kissed his shoulder before putting on a band-aid.
Taisuke had hit it against the door to the closet where they spent the whole of their lunch break and he bruised his skin a little.
If the younger one hadn’t started to cry saying that his shoulder hurt, nobody would have noticed them in that closet. It was embarrassing seeing all those kids staring at them asking why they were half naked in a closet.
“Sorry eh, for letting you hit the wardrobe…”
In the end, it was Kitayama’s fault. Mainly because staying inside that thing was one of his brilliant ideas.
But obviously he couldn’t take Fujigaya in the bathroom using the broken door as excuse. It would be pretty strange after a few times, wouldn’t it?
“It’s ok, don’t worry Hiromii~ Let’s continue our little argument.”
And Taisuke smiled at him, with a malicious smile which every now and then would appear on his cute face.
He couldn’t turn around in his bed again. Sleep didn’t seem well-intentioned to take him over, plus, being on that mattress made him remember all the things he did on it with Taisuke.
From his caresses to his kisses, from how much the other seemed perfect between his pale bed sheets, to how much he found the other cute when he was sleepy. He had to do something to make Taisuke believe in him, to let him come back to him. He would take all of his courage and he’d confess everything. From how he had been stupid the first time when Fujigaya confessed his own feelings, to the night where Hiro stared at him the whole time, thinking that he was the most precious thing he might have ever seen. Maybe if he let himself go seriously, it could have work better than a million sorrys.
[ All the words that I come up with,
They’re like gasoline on flames.
There’s no excuse, no explanation
Believe me if I could undo what I did wrong
I’d give away all that I own. ]
“Why did you treat him like that?”
“Because he deserved it.”
Something was wrong with him, especially in his brain. He was starting to convince himself of that.
Hiromitsu called Nikaido during the night. He needed somebody to talk with and, considering that the younger one was there when he and Taisuke fought, he guessed that he was the better choice.
Awfully, Hiro tried to remain cold and to act like he didn’t care.
“Did he do something wrong to you?”
Nope, he didn’t do anything.
That argument had been all his fault, his and only his. He was the one who yelled like a mad person.
He was the one with a stupid complex towards Taisuke.
And always he kept making a speech that seemed like gasoline on flames.
Was it too hard say: “I’m an idiot Takashi”? Because he was feeling like an idiot.
He threw away all the beautiful things that Taisuke made him feel only for his stupid pride. Could someone be more of a moron?
“It’s all of my fault, I…”
He let his hands slide along his neck, brushing softly against his skin. He could feel its heat against his own fingers. Then he moved down towards his face catching those lips that didn’t stop asking to being kissed.
Taisuke started to return his kiss with the same passion, while his own hands where on Hiromitsu’s back, touching every single inch of skin that he found.
Since they started their relationship, Hiro felt new things and it wasn’t obviously because he and Taisuke made a new version of the Kama Sutra. It was something connected to his feelings, to his emotions. Something that was more than a simple lying in bed.
That night, he realized what he felt for the younger one.
All of those words of affection that he never was able to return that night they could come out from his mouth.
“Hi-Hiro..”
“I’m here Taisuke”
And he wasn’t going to go anywhere, not this night.
There was something different that day, in Taisuke and in him. Even in his own bedroom.
He didn’t know what it was, just knew that there was something.
Going lower with his own lips onto his lover neck, he began to leave little kisses on his skin, savoring its taste. He always had the little obsession of Fujigaya’s smell. It was something familiar now. It made him feel strangely safe.
He was feeling the younger’s hands on his back again and a long and cold shiver went through his back. Was it normal that he was getting so excited only for this?
He kept on biting and licking his neck, while Taisuke was moaning. He was torturing that sweet neck and his hands were caressing Fujigaya’s waist, letting finger tips travel over his skin softly. He was feeling Taisuke’s shiver and he smiled a little.
“You’re so awesome Tai-chan…”
And he thought that for real. To tell the truth he had always thought that, but he never could say something like that when they weren’t a couple.
Fujigaya smiled before taking his face and putting it against his own. They began to kiss again, this time inside Hiro’s mouth instead of Taisuke’s.
Putting his hands on Taisuke’s sides, Hiro let him get up from the mattress also caressing him on that spot. He slid his hands along Fujigaya’s whole spine until he reached his ass, which he began to touch and squeeze with pleasure. The younger one moaned into their kiss, trying to find a way to feel more of Kitayama’s touch.
“I knew that it was your fault, you know?”
Hiro couldn’t avoid his sarcasm, he didn’t need it!
He knew by himself how much it was his fault. He admitted that!
“Hi-Hiro!”
He pushed two fingers inside Taisuke, who was sitting practically on him. With the hands he was holding Fujgaya’s butt. As he was moving his fingers, he could feel the inside of the other’s body against him. He was also trying not to give in to his will.
When he added another finger, he felt Taisuke’s teeth taking his skin and biting it. Hiromitsu had probably found his sweet spot.
Taisuke clutched his arms around Hiromitsu‘s torso, adding more strength to his state of ecstasy. It rarely happened that the older one would be able to make him react like that with only the use of his fingers. It wasn’t that he didn’t make Taisuke squeeze in pleasure usually, but pushing himself like this was something different, right?
Kitayama was asking himself how much he could resist feeling the heat of the other’s body surrounding him and his member against him. He wanted terribly to become a single thing with his boyfriend and he couldn’t think of anything else. Then hearing all of those sounds that were coming out of Taisuke’s mouth didn’t help him.
“Taipi…”
Hiromitsu licked his lobe, taking him lightly between his teeth, pulling it softly, earning more moans from the younger. He whispered something in Taisuke’s ear making him nod. He had simply asked him if he was all right.
“Honestly Hiro, do you love him?”
“Yes, I just couldn’t say it. You know, Taisuke never had problems to say it. That phrase slipped from his mouth every day and… and I felt inferior.”
Because he couldn’t say it in return.
Because every time that Taisuke confessed to him his love, he didn’t know how to react. And all of his being in silence, made his sense of inferiority grew stronger, until it found its way out in his rage.
He was thrusting inside the younger man dipping his own fingers to Taisuke’s waist. In his mind it was like if the rest of the world was disappearing. There was only Taisuke.
His skin wet and hot.
His breath shaky on Hiro’s lips.
His body tight and soft.
He slid his hands along his boyfriend’s back, holding him tightly, like he didn’t want to let him go. Hiromitsu was feeling a little too much possessive and afraid that night. He believed that if he wasn’t successful to say that damned ‘I love you’, the other would be run away this time.
“Uhn, Hi-Hiro…!”
Taisuke moved a hand to put it around his own erection. With the rest of his body he was riding the older.
Could he die in that moment? Hiromitsu wasn’t used to seeing his boyfriend like this, despite the fact they‘d been together for a while. Fujigaya again conserved his typical shyness.
“I couldn’t say those stupid three words.”
He laid Taisuke onto the mattress and fell on top of him, trying to regain his strength after the orgasm. The other took Hiro’s hands in his, holding them. Hiromitsu’s heart started to beat faster. He couldn’t wait to hear those words exit from Fujigaya’s lips.
“I love you Hiromii~”
“I knew it. I knew that Taisuke was waiting for an answer. I realized it by his reaction. It just… nothing came out of my mouth! I saw how sad he was. Takashi, I noticed the sadness in his eyes. He hadn’t it before…”
“And for this you treated him like that?”
“It wasn’t because of his reaction. It was because I was angry with myself, because I didn’t realize early enough how much Taisuke was suffering.”
[ When I say I`m sorry
Will you believe me
Listen to my story
Say you won`t leave me
When I say I`m sorry
Can you forgive me
When I say I will always be there
Will you believe ]
“How can I make him understand that I’m seriously sorry?”
“Are you asking advice from me?”
Was he doing that?
Wasn’t it a desperate request?
If Hiro wasn’t in trouble, without a real idea of how to reconcile with Taisuke, he’d never asked for help. Especially not from Nikaido. Because he knew the other would make fun of him for the rest of his life.
And then, kind of, it was like if Hiro was to help Takashi to understand what he felt for Senga, right? He said that he wasn’t able to say that he loved Kento, like him. So he was in debt with him.
After seeing him fight with Fujigaya, that idiot decided to confess finally, so Hiro’s previous thought was right.
“Probably it would be hard to make him trust in you again, even if you said that you love him”
“You’re cheering me up…”
It was a bad idea ask for some help from that brat. It was clear that he couldn’t help him at all.
Telling him that confessing wouldn’t work anyway wasn’t seriously helpful, especially because Hiro counted on it. If Taisuke had not believed him however, what could he do?
Every hope of coming back with him would be gone, right?
Why was he so stupid that morning?
“Taisuke can be innocent and naïve, but he isn’t stupid. If you love him for real, the he’ll understand it”
“And if he doesn’t want me anymore…?”
Ok, maybe he was letting go too much himself but he needed to discuss his problems with someone.
Despite his hard side, sometimes Takashi knew how to be a good listener.
^ Let it go Hiro, you’ve chosen already^
He remembered how Taisuke’s voice sounded that night. Cold, as it never was, at least not with him.
Fujigaya had been really hurt from what he‘d said to him. Not that it was an abnormal reaction though, knowing how much fragile and emotional the younger could be. Hiro didn’t wait for a different attitude. He only hoped to be able to resolve it all.
[ If I told you I’ve been cleanin’ my soul,
And If I promise you I’ll regain control,
Will you open your door,
And let me in take me for who I am,
And not for who I’ve been, who I’ve been?
(Who I've been) ]
“Go to him instead of crying here.”
And he did it. After paying the cab for Takashi, he was in front of Fujigaya’s’ home, without really knowing what to do with the other and what say to him. He didn’t push the doorbell yet because he was afraid to wake up the whole family. There was only a single light turned on; the one from Taisuke’s room.
He decided that calling him on the cell phone would be better than knocking on the door. He didn’t want to wake the other’s parents because he didn’t want to answer their questions or something like that. It would be understandable that the other’s mother wanted to know what the hell Hiromitsu was doing in front of their house late at night, but he couldn’t explain his point to her.
^ What do you want Hiro?^
“Look out of the window.”
^ Why?^
“Just do it.”
It began to rain too and Kitayama could feel the little raindrops run down his face, while he was looking straight towards Taisuke’s window. He was waiting until he showed up and opened that window, so he would not miss the rain and see him there.
He saw Taisuke’s head come out the window, with his cell phone in his hand. He was staring at him, probably asking himself what the hell Hiro was doing around the city in that weather.
^ What are you doing here?^
“I wanted to see you to remember how stupid I am…”
Because seeing him close by with that sad expression, made him remember how stupid he was to treat him bad.
He always said that he wanted to protect Taisuke from everything -and everyone, that he’d never make him suffer, but instead what he had done?
Hiromitsu said that he didn’t care about him, that he got on his nerves. That he couldn’t stand his crying when, in reality, it was one of the reasons he found him cute.
Taisuke was leaning with both of his hooks on his window sill, keeping his eyes on Hiro. They seemed like Romeo and Juliette.
^ We talked about this earlier Hiromitsu, you were very clear…^
“I didn’t think it Taisuke! I don’t…I don’t want to stay away from you…”
He heard Taisuke sigh before watching him go back inside his room.
Maybe Takashi was right after all. Maybe all of his excuses wouldn’t work at all. His confessions didn’t make him to get Taisuke again.
If Hiromitsu had been more smart and less proud, he’d have understood earlier that certain things lost their importance for the person you loved. He just had those negative feelings covering the light of being with which Taisuke had.
He didn’t hear any response on his cell phone, how he did take it?
Did he stop to hope that in one night only, everything would return to as it was until that day? That Fujigaya would forget all of his words in a minute?
As Takashi had said, the other was naïve but not stupid. Neither did he like to be treated bad for no reason, like Hiro did.
The rain was still falling, heavier than before. He had to shake his head to get it off him. His clothes were starting to become wet and in his mind the idea to run away and renounce the other, was pretty present.
“I love you Taisuke. I know it’s too late, that I was a bastard telling you all of those things. But I didn’t really think them. I felt so inferior towards you because I saw how easy you could say those words that I wasn’t able to say, even though I felt the same way for you. I’m so sorry for being such a moron, Tai-chan.”
After his long monologue, Hiromitsu closed the phone ending their conversation. Fujigaya seemed not to want to reply and he wasn’t ready for being rejected again. It was better to end it there.
Taking a last look to Taisuke’s window he noticed the light off. It was finished.
“Where are you going Hiromii?”
He was either having a sort of hallucination or Taisuke really was behind him, talking to him. Sincerely he believed the first more than the second, at least until he felt Fujigaya’s hand in his own.
“You‘re wearing pajamas Taipi”
And it seemed soft. He would be getting a cold standing out like that, so Hiro took off his own jacket and put it around the younger, who smiled in return. Within him, the hope that he‘d abandoned earlier came back like a boomerang, stronger than before.
He ran to get him. It meant something, right?
“Sleepover, would you?”
Considering how his evening was until now, he didn’t expect a request like that. Had Taisuke forgiven him? Had he put away his pride?
A strange expression probably covered Hiro’s face, since the other was looking at him smiling like an idiot. He found him funny, didn’t he?
[ When I say I’m sorry,
Will you believe me?
Listen to my story,
Say you won’t leave me.
When I say I’m sorry,
Can you forgive me?
When I say I will always be there,
Will you believe me?
When I say I’m sorry
When I say I’m sorry
When I say I’m sorry
When I say I’m sorry
When I say I’m sorry
Can you forgive me?
When I say I will always be there,
Will you believe? ]
“I’m sorry for what I said to you”
During the two hours that passed in Taisuke’s room, he explained all of his reasons. He said how he felt after the last night they spent together. He explained his problem to express what he was feeling for him. And Fujigaya listened to everything without complaint. He had nodded and then he had caressed the older’s face with a sweet motion. Hiro wondered how it could possibly be for someone like him to have beside him someone like Taisuke.
“Promise me that you will never lie to me, that you’ll never say that I get on your nerves Hiro.”
“I promise!”
And to emphasize his promise, Hiro kissed Taisuke’s lips lightly before letting the other take the control of their kiss, exploring the older’s mouth. Sometimes it was Taisuke who had control of the whole situation.
“Probably it would be hard to make him trust in you again, even if you said that you love him”
That Cat was wrong. The other understood that his “I love you” was sincere, and that was why he had forgiven him and let him stay over. Finally Fujigaya noticed that one like Kitayama was also able to love and that he wasn’t wrong when he thought that sooner or later the older one would realize how to love him back.
The end.
Translating something from Italian to English is really hard o_o'' +runs+
Genre: Song-fic/Angst
Pairing: Kitayama Hiromitsu x Fujigaya Taisuke
Rating: NC-17/R
Warning(s): +Points at the rating+
Disclaimer: I do not own the boys :/ and neither the song.
Notes: Italics describes a flashback.
The song is "Sorry" by Daughtry.
Thanks to xxxvengeancexxx for being a wonderful beta ♥
[ Will you listen to my story?
It’ll just be a minute,
How can I explain?
Whatever happened here never meant to hurt you,
How can I cause you so much pain? ]
He came back home a couple hours later.
Probably he’d have found it empty for real, if it wasn’t for his dog. After putting down the car keys onto the first table he found, he walked into the kitchen. He wanted something rough to drink. He didn’t care if he’d had too much alcohol for the whole day, he needed to drink anything to shut up his brain and let his thoughts fade away.
He had to understand why he yelled like a crazy that morning. Someone could have the right to think that he was insane, if they had seen him screaming for nothing. Because he did that, he burst without any reason.
“Goodnight Hiro-chan~”
If he was to say that all of his negative actions came out for that phrase would it justify him or just make him crazier?
What sane human being became acid until being close to a hysterical crisis, only for a “goodnight” said with a sweet tone?
Kitayama Hiromitsu never was a calm type. To tell the truth, most of the time he was in trouble by his own doing, risking to mess with the people who cared for him. But he never, ever yelled at one of his friends, at his…well, lover maybe?
The one with Fujigaya was his first real relationship. The only long-lasting one that he’d had in his 23 years and that morning, from nothing, he decided to throw it into the nettle.
If he thought well, he could understand what the real reason of that scene was, why he was so angry with the younger one and it wasn’t for that stupid goodnight.
It was for the inadequacy that he felt every time Taisuke was close to him. For the inferiority that he felt every single day, maybe it wasn’t Fujigaya’s fault. It was just Hiromitsu. He couldn’t bring himself into that relationship. Probably not being able to feel himself within their story brought him to a certain point, a point where he didn’t want to stay with the other.
“I love you Hiromii”
How much he wanted to avoid those words coming out from Taisuke’s mouth.
He said to him so many times. He told him not to fall in love with him, not to try to put all of what they were living to a higher level. Because in that case Hiromitsu knew very well that he wouldn’t be able to give voice to his own feelings. But Fujigaya was stubborn. He had always been in fact, and he didn’t stop to say that he loved him. He didn’t protest when Kitayama gave him a kiss on the forehead instead of saying “I love you too”.
If only he’d known how to reply to that phrase, he would do it. He cared about Taisuke in the end, and for all of the time they spent together as a couple, he’d fallen in love with the other. He just couldn’t say it aloud. For that reason he avoided the subject.
“Why are you treating me like this?”
“Because I want to...?”
He didn’t want to do it in reality. He found a way to break up with him.
He wanted only to stop to feel oppressed by all of his sweet words, by his entire tender caresses, by everything that put him in pleasure. All because the same pleasure and the same sweet feeling that Taisuke gave to him, became pain, a throbbing pain that he couldn’t overcome.
Before that moment he hadn’t thought to be in love with someone. Everyone knew how much Hiro was not inclined to love, how much he didn’t believe in it. He convinced himself of not to be able to feel it, but then Taisuke came along and something within him began to burn.
It was a beautiful day he started to realize that the person who belonged to his own group, to his own job, the one who knew him for years now, was something more than a simple friend. He started his journey of the exploration of Fujigaya Taisuke after a particular dream. From that night on he noticed that there was something strange towards the younger and indeed it wasn’t normal to dream about the other one in a very hot and erotic way. Especially if in his dreams there would only be women.
If only he was able to say how he felt for him without feeling inadequate, then probably everything about that morning wouldn’t have happened. During the exchange Nikaido was there and he saw it all.
Putting down the first glass of alcohol he had at home, he looked at the phone. It was like it was calling him saying that he should repair his relationship, that he must do something to avoid hurting Fujigaya more.
Would he listen to him? If he had called Fujigaya begging him to hear what he had to say, would he do it?
“Cry, come on, you only ever do this!”
He was a real bitch, wasn’t he?
Hiro replied to him in a horrible way and the loved person didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
He was staring again at the phone like it was a mirage. He had to find the courage to take it and dial Taisuke’s number. And then he let destiny make his path, to face the consequences of his own actions. Before that, he’d taken something else to drink. Maybe the alcohol would help him to find the right words for making some excuse about earlier.
^ Hello?^
“Ta-Taisuke…”
He was stuttering and he didn’t want to do it but his voice did the opposite of what his brain was saying. So now he was half drunk with his phone in his hand and a strange stutter. It was a petty beginning for asking forgiveness, wasn’t it?
But he noticed that Taisuke’s voice wasn’t the same. He was sleeping or crying. Maybe thinking that the other was suffering for him was a little too much egotistical, but he hoped for it.
^Did you dial the wrong number Hiro?^
Why did he do it? It wasn’t so much stupid as not knowing which number he was calling. He wanted hear Fujigaya, not someone else.
Maybe the other was only surprised of hearing him again after what he had said less nicely about disappearing from his life.
“I don’t need to stay with a baby. It’s over Taisuke, get out my house and leave my life.”
But he needed his baby, right?
“I wanted to talk with you, about this morning.”
^ You were clear enough, weren’t you? What do you want to add? That my kisses disturbed you? That I moaned too much?^
Hiromitsu was an idiot to believe that Taisuke would hear what he had to say without a grudge, wasn’t he? Kitayama always had a good and innocent idea of Taisuke. He didn’t count the fact that once he was hurt, the other man could be rancorous like towards everyone.
How could he explain his version of events if Taisuke started to attack him and not take him seriously?
“I didn’t want to hurt you Taisuke. What happened, I didn’t want it.”
“N-no, wait Hiro!”
He took his car keys ignoring Fujigaya, who was still crying. He couldn’t go to him and hug him, even if in that moment that was the only thing Hiro wanted to do.
He’d decided to break up with the younger man so he must be the one to put the end word on their relationship which was making him crazy. It wasn’t Taisuke’s fault. The other was too sweet to make any mistakes. It was all his own fault, and his stupid attitude. Being with the other he’d never be able to live that story in peace and he wouldn’t be able to say those stupid three words.
He was also doing all of this for Taisuke. Yes, because if he left him, he could find another person who able to make him happy.
^ I do…don’t know if I can believe in you Hiro. You know, every time I said to myself, “Hiromii will understand one day, he’ll try to feel something for me and he will tell me that, so my “I love you” won’t remain like a stone between us.” I have always hoped that that day would come, I believed that sooner or later something would change because I knew how much you were able to love…but I was wrong.^
He started to think he wasn’t able to love.
How much did it hurt? Hiro realized how much the only person about he cared about thought of him as an empty container? Like everybody did.
Hiromitsu was too rough with Taisuke. That was why they were at that point. That was why Fujigaya was talking of him at past.
“I…I love you Hi-Hiro!”
He bit Taisuke’s shoulder while he was coming inside him, he heard what he had said but he decided that ignoring it was the only thing to do.
It wasn’t the first time. Taisuke said the same phrase during sex more than once. Hiro thought that it was some kind of reflex considering the fact that the other never said it outside the bed. When he was out of him, he laid over his part of the mattress and stared at the ceiling. The last thing he was expecting was the feeling of Fujigaya’s hand on his arms; he was trying to get them around himself. It was the first time he did that.
“I really do love you Hiro.”
He still remembered the disappointed expression on the other face after one of his first silences.
Was he that cruel to put him in so much pain? Especially on that day.
[ When I say I’m sorry,
Will you believe me?
Listen to my story,
Say you won’t leave me.
When I say I’m sorry,
Can you forgive me?
When I say I will always be there,
Will you believe, will you believe in me? ]
“Did you wait for too long?”
Taisuke shook his head.
They were supposed to meet at some shopping center that afternoon and, as usual, Hiromitsu arrived late. It wasn’t something that he did on purpose, it was just… it.
Sure, for their first date he could be on time, but he knew that Fujigaya didn’t complain about his attitude, not even for something important like their first date.
“Let’s go”
“I was thinking that you’d want me to stay on this bench for too long~”
Taisuke hung up the phone on him, telling him to stop with that story, their story, since it wasn’t useful.
He deserved it, didn’t he? Treating him bad was some kind of defense mechanism and it would be hard to get through it. He knew it well because it was the same thing that happened to him every time he tried to say that he loved him, but he hadn’t realized how much it hurt the younger one.
Being infuriated was a new thing for him. There wasn’t a she or he that said “no” to him. He was Kitayama Hiromitsu just for that. No one could resist him and refuse him. Fujigaya didn’t care about who Hiro was.
He didn’t care what Kitayama did for a living. It was the same job as him anyway.
To Taisuke he was simply the bastard who broke his heart and didn’t say a single time that he loved him and thought to break up with him using a stupid excuse.
Hiromitsu could try to ask for his forgiveness however much he wanted to, but Fujigaya didn’t want to listen to him, nor if he had explained why he busted out like that in front of Nikaido.
Not even telling him how he felt wrong staying with him, would allow him to put down the wall that was being formed between them. But he was too stupid to not confess before all this mess? Maybe if he had said how he felt earlier, they could have found a solution together, because Taisuke was the type of person who helped everyone, especially Kitayama.
^ Let it go Hiro, you’ve chosen already^
Taisuke ended the phone call, but Hiromitsu wanted to say not to leave him alone, to not go away and to forgive him. But he couldn’t say it because it was too late.
“O-ouch..”
“Try to bear with it, ok? The pain will fade soon.”
“It will be better for you Hiro-chan.”
The older guy kissed his shoulder before putting on a band-aid.
Taisuke had hit it against the door to the closet where they spent the whole of their lunch break and he bruised his skin a little.
If the younger one hadn’t started to cry saying that his shoulder hurt, nobody would have noticed them in that closet. It was embarrassing seeing all those kids staring at them asking why they were half naked in a closet.
“Sorry eh, for letting you hit the wardrobe…”
In the end, it was Kitayama’s fault. Mainly because staying inside that thing was one of his brilliant ideas.
But obviously he couldn’t take Fujigaya in the bathroom using the broken door as excuse. It would be pretty strange after a few times, wouldn’t it?
“It’s ok, don’t worry Hiromii~ Let’s continue our little argument.”
And Taisuke smiled at him, with a malicious smile which every now and then would appear on his cute face.
He couldn’t turn around in his bed again. Sleep didn’t seem well-intentioned to take him over, plus, being on that mattress made him remember all the things he did on it with Taisuke.
From his caresses to his kisses, from how much the other seemed perfect between his pale bed sheets, to how much he found the other cute when he was sleepy. He had to do something to make Taisuke believe in him, to let him come back to him. He would take all of his courage and he’d confess everything. From how he had been stupid the first time when Fujigaya confessed his own feelings, to the night where Hiro stared at him the whole time, thinking that he was the most precious thing he might have ever seen. Maybe if he let himself go seriously, it could have work better than a million sorrys.
[ All the words that I come up with,
They’re like gasoline on flames.
There’s no excuse, no explanation
Believe me if I could undo what I did wrong
I’d give away all that I own. ]
“Why did you treat him like that?”
“Because he deserved it.”
Something was wrong with him, especially in his brain. He was starting to convince himself of that.
Hiromitsu called Nikaido during the night. He needed somebody to talk with and, considering that the younger one was there when he and Taisuke fought, he guessed that he was the better choice.
Awfully, Hiro tried to remain cold and to act like he didn’t care.
“Did he do something wrong to you?”
Nope, he didn’t do anything.
That argument had been all his fault, his and only his. He was the one who yelled like a mad person.
He was the one with a stupid complex towards Taisuke.
And always he kept making a speech that seemed like gasoline on flames.
Was it too hard say: “I’m an idiot Takashi”? Because he was feeling like an idiot.
He threw away all the beautiful things that Taisuke made him feel only for his stupid pride. Could someone be more of a moron?
“It’s all of my fault, I…”
He let his hands slide along his neck, brushing softly against his skin. He could feel its heat against his own fingers. Then he moved down towards his face catching those lips that didn’t stop asking to being kissed.
Taisuke started to return his kiss with the same passion, while his own hands where on Hiromitsu’s back, touching every single inch of skin that he found.
Since they started their relationship, Hiro felt new things and it wasn’t obviously because he and Taisuke made a new version of the Kama Sutra. It was something connected to his feelings, to his emotions. Something that was more than a simple lying in bed.
That night, he realized what he felt for the younger one.
All of those words of affection that he never was able to return that night they could come out from his mouth.
“Hi-Hiro..”
“I’m here Taisuke”
And he wasn’t going to go anywhere, not this night.
There was something different that day, in Taisuke and in him. Even in his own bedroom.
He didn’t know what it was, just knew that there was something.
Going lower with his own lips onto his lover neck, he began to leave little kisses on his skin, savoring its taste. He always had the little obsession of Fujigaya’s smell. It was something familiar now. It made him feel strangely safe.
He was feeling the younger’s hands on his back again and a long and cold shiver went through his back. Was it normal that he was getting so excited only for this?
He kept on biting and licking his neck, while Taisuke was moaning. He was torturing that sweet neck and his hands were caressing Fujigaya’s waist, letting finger tips travel over his skin softly. He was feeling Taisuke’s shiver and he smiled a little.
“You’re so awesome Tai-chan…”
And he thought that for real. To tell the truth he had always thought that, but he never could say something like that when they weren’t a couple.
Fujigaya smiled before taking his face and putting it against his own. They began to kiss again, this time inside Hiro’s mouth instead of Taisuke’s.
Putting his hands on Taisuke’s sides, Hiro let him get up from the mattress also caressing him on that spot. He slid his hands along Fujigaya’s whole spine until he reached his ass, which he began to touch and squeeze with pleasure. The younger one moaned into their kiss, trying to find a way to feel more of Kitayama’s touch.
“I knew that it was your fault, you know?”
Hiro couldn’t avoid his sarcasm, he didn’t need it!
He knew by himself how much it was his fault. He admitted that!
“Hi-Hiro!”
He pushed two fingers inside Taisuke, who was sitting practically on him. With the hands he was holding Fujgaya’s butt. As he was moving his fingers, he could feel the inside of the other’s body against him. He was also trying not to give in to his will.
When he added another finger, he felt Taisuke’s teeth taking his skin and biting it. Hiromitsu had probably found his sweet spot.
Taisuke clutched his arms around Hiromitsu‘s torso, adding more strength to his state of ecstasy. It rarely happened that the older one would be able to make him react like that with only the use of his fingers. It wasn’t that he didn’t make Taisuke squeeze in pleasure usually, but pushing himself like this was something different, right?
Kitayama was asking himself how much he could resist feeling the heat of the other’s body surrounding him and his member against him. He wanted terribly to become a single thing with his boyfriend and he couldn’t think of anything else. Then hearing all of those sounds that were coming out of Taisuke’s mouth didn’t help him.
“Taipi…”
Hiromitsu licked his lobe, taking him lightly between his teeth, pulling it softly, earning more moans from the younger. He whispered something in Taisuke’s ear making him nod. He had simply asked him if he was all right.
“Honestly Hiro, do you love him?”
“Yes, I just couldn’t say it. You know, Taisuke never had problems to say it. That phrase slipped from his mouth every day and… and I felt inferior.”
Because he couldn’t say it in return.
Because every time that Taisuke confessed to him his love, he didn’t know how to react. And all of his being in silence, made his sense of inferiority grew stronger, until it found its way out in his rage.
He was thrusting inside the younger man dipping his own fingers to Taisuke’s waist. In his mind it was like if the rest of the world was disappearing. There was only Taisuke.
His skin wet and hot.
His breath shaky on Hiro’s lips.
His body tight and soft.
He slid his hands along his boyfriend’s back, holding him tightly, like he didn’t want to let him go. Hiromitsu was feeling a little too much possessive and afraid that night. He believed that if he wasn’t successful to say that damned ‘I love you’, the other would be run away this time.
“Uhn, Hi-Hiro…!”
Taisuke moved a hand to put it around his own erection. With the rest of his body he was riding the older.
Could he die in that moment? Hiromitsu wasn’t used to seeing his boyfriend like this, despite the fact they‘d been together for a while. Fujigaya again conserved his typical shyness.
“I couldn’t say those stupid three words.”
He laid Taisuke onto the mattress and fell on top of him, trying to regain his strength after the orgasm. The other took Hiro’s hands in his, holding them. Hiromitsu’s heart started to beat faster. He couldn’t wait to hear those words exit from Fujigaya’s lips.
“I love you Hiromii~”
“I knew it. I knew that Taisuke was waiting for an answer. I realized it by his reaction. It just… nothing came out of my mouth! I saw how sad he was. Takashi, I noticed the sadness in his eyes. He hadn’t it before…”
“And for this you treated him like that?”
“It wasn’t because of his reaction. It was because I was angry with myself, because I didn’t realize early enough how much Taisuke was suffering.”
[ When I say I`m sorry
Will you believe me
Listen to my story
Say you won`t leave me
When I say I`m sorry
Can you forgive me
When I say I will always be there
Will you believe ]
“How can I make him understand that I’m seriously sorry?”
“Are you asking advice from me?”
Was he doing that?
Wasn’t it a desperate request?
If Hiro wasn’t in trouble, without a real idea of how to reconcile with Taisuke, he’d never asked for help. Especially not from Nikaido. Because he knew the other would make fun of him for the rest of his life.
And then, kind of, it was like if Hiro was to help Takashi to understand what he felt for Senga, right? He said that he wasn’t able to say that he loved Kento, like him. So he was in debt with him.
After seeing him fight with Fujigaya, that idiot decided to confess finally, so Hiro’s previous thought was right.
“Probably it would be hard to make him trust in you again, even if you said that you love him”
“You’re cheering me up…”
It was a bad idea ask for some help from that brat. It was clear that he couldn’t help him at all.
Telling him that confessing wouldn’t work anyway wasn’t seriously helpful, especially because Hiro counted on it. If Taisuke had not believed him however, what could he do?
Every hope of coming back with him would be gone, right?
Why was he so stupid that morning?
“Taisuke can be innocent and naïve, but he isn’t stupid. If you love him for real, the he’ll understand it”
“And if he doesn’t want me anymore…?”
Ok, maybe he was letting go too much himself but he needed to discuss his problems with someone.
Despite his hard side, sometimes Takashi knew how to be a good listener.
^ Let it go Hiro, you’ve chosen already^
He remembered how Taisuke’s voice sounded that night. Cold, as it never was, at least not with him.
Fujigaya had been really hurt from what he‘d said to him. Not that it was an abnormal reaction though, knowing how much fragile and emotional the younger could be. Hiro didn’t wait for a different attitude. He only hoped to be able to resolve it all.
[ If I told you I’ve been cleanin’ my soul,
And If I promise you I’ll regain control,
Will you open your door,
And let me in take me for who I am,
And not for who I’ve been, who I’ve been?
(Who I've been) ]
“Go to him instead of crying here.”
And he did it. After paying the cab for Takashi, he was in front of Fujigaya’s’ home, without really knowing what to do with the other and what say to him. He didn’t push the doorbell yet because he was afraid to wake up the whole family. There was only a single light turned on; the one from Taisuke’s room.
He decided that calling him on the cell phone would be better than knocking on the door. He didn’t want to wake the other’s parents because he didn’t want to answer their questions or something like that. It would be understandable that the other’s mother wanted to know what the hell Hiromitsu was doing in front of their house late at night, but he couldn’t explain his point to her.
^ What do you want Hiro?^
“Look out of the window.”
^ Why?^
“Just do it.”
It began to rain too and Kitayama could feel the little raindrops run down his face, while he was looking straight towards Taisuke’s window. He was waiting until he showed up and opened that window, so he would not miss the rain and see him there.
He saw Taisuke’s head come out the window, with his cell phone in his hand. He was staring at him, probably asking himself what the hell Hiro was doing around the city in that weather.
^ What are you doing here?^
“I wanted to see you to remember how stupid I am…”
Because seeing him close by with that sad expression, made him remember how stupid he was to treat him bad.
He always said that he wanted to protect Taisuke from everything -and everyone, that he’d never make him suffer, but instead what he had done?
Hiromitsu said that he didn’t care about him, that he got on his nerves. That he couldn’t stand his crying when, in reality, it was one of the reasons he found him cute.
Taisuke was leaning with both of his hooks on his window sill, keeping his eyes on Hiro. They seemed like Romeo and Juliette.
^ We talked about this earlier Hiromitsu, you were very clear…^
“I didn’t think it Taisuke! I don’t…I don’t want to stay away from you…”
He heard Taisuke sigh before watching him go back inside his room.
Maybe Takashi was right after all. Maybe all of his excuses wouldn’t work at all. His confessions didn’t make him to get Taisuke again.
If Hiromitsu had been more smart and less proud, he’d have understood earlier that certain things lost their importance for the person you loved. He just had those negative feelings covering the light of being with which Taisuke had.
He didn’t hear any response on his cell phone, how he did take it?
Did he stop to hope that in one night only, everything would return to as it was until that day? That Fujigaya would forget all of his words in a minute?
As Takashi had said, the other was naïve but not stupid. Neither did he like to be treated bad for no reason, like Hiro did.
The rain was still falling, heavier than before. He had to shake his head to get it off him. His clothes were starting to become wet and in his mind the idea to run away and renounce the other, was pretty present.
“I love you Taisuke. I know it’s too late, that I was a bastard telling you all of those things. But I didn’t really think them. I felt so inferior towards you because I saw how easy you could say those words that I wasn’t able to say, even though I felt the same way for you. I’m so sorry for being such a moron, Tai-chan.”
After his long monologue, Hiromitsu closed the phone ending their conversation. Fujigaya seemed not to want to reply and he wasn’t ready for being rejected again. It was better to end it there.
Taking a last look to Taisuke’s window he noticed the light off. It was finished.
“Where are you going Hiromii?”
He was either having a sort of hallucination or Taisuke really was behind him, talking to him. Sincerely he believed the first more than the second, at least until he felt Fujigaya’s hand in his own.
“You‘re wearing pajamas Taipi”
And it seemed soft. He would be getting a cold standing out like that, so Hiro took off his own jacket and put it around the younger, who smiled in return. Within him, the hope that he‘d abandoned earlier came back like a boomerang, stronger than before.
He ran to get him. It meant something, right?
“Sleepover, would you?”
Considering how his evening was until now, he didn’t expect a request like that. Had Taisuke forgiven him? Had he put away his pride?
A strange expression probably covered Hiro’s face, since the other was looking at him smiling like an idiot. He found him funny, didn’t he?
[ When I say I’m sorry,
Will you believe me?
Listen to my story,
Say you won’t leave me.
When I say I’m sorry,
Can you forgive me?
When I say I will always be there,
Will you believe me?
When I say I’m sorry
When I say I’m sorry
When I say I’m sorry
When I say I’m sorry
When I say I’m sorry
Can you forgive me?
When I say I will always be there,
Will you believe? ]
“I’m sorry for what I said to you”
During the two hours that passed in Taisuke’s room, he explained all of his reasons. He said how he felt after the last night they spent together. He explained his problem to express what he was feeling for him. And Fujigaya listened to everything without complaint. He had nodded and then he had caressed the older’s face with a sweet motion. Hiro wondered how it could possibly be for someone like him to have beside him someone like Taisuke.
“Promise me that you will never lie to me, that you’ll never say that I get on your nerves Hiro.”
“I promise!”
And to emphasize his promise, Hiro kissed Taisuke’s lips lightly before letting the other take the control of their kiss, exploring the older’s mouth. Sometimes it was Taisuke who had control of the whole situation.
“Probably it would be hard to make him trust in you again, even if you said that you love him”
That Cat was wrong. The other understood that his “I love you” was sincere, and that was why he had forgiven him and let him stay over. Finally Fujigaya noticed that one like Kitayama was also able to love and that he wasn’t wrong when he thought that sooner or later the older one would realize how to love him back.
The end.
Translating something from Italian to English is really hard o_o'' +runs+