[Arashi Fanfic] Blue - Chapter 13
As usual, the words in dark teal are not mine. They belong to Hikari.
When he woke up, she was gone. Things couldn't have been worse.
He remembered falling asleep with Hikari in his arms; the scent of her hair still lingered in the sheets.
Oh God, what have I done…
Guilt washed over Aiba, as he thought back to the previous night's events. He was supposed to just comfort her, but somehow he managed to step too close to the line. Way too close. Sure, Sho gave him a chance to be with Hikari; but what bothered him was that he actually took it, without any thoughts about Yuuki.
How could I have let things go so far?
He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, as something on his bedside table caught his eye. It was Hikari's cell phone: with that still around, she couldn't have gone far.
Maybe she went for a walk or something…
He thought about what happened last night: the things Hikari had said, as she cried in his arms.
“Why did he do this to me Aiba? Am I really one the one at fault?” she quietly sobbed.
Aiba shook his head and pressed her even closer to him, hugging her in a tight embrace. He brought his lips to her forehead and smoothed her hair.
“You're not at fault Hikari-chan. Of course you're not at fault,” he said into her hair. Her grip on him only tightened. Aiba could now feel her hot tears falling on his neck.
“But he lied to me! He lied to me...I was never good enough to begin with. I should've known...we were never meant to last. It was always impossible.”
He shushed her, running a hand along her back as he did so. To see his best friend causing her so much pain was unbearable. “Don't say that,” he chastised. “He was stupid Hikari, he messed up. But...I don't believe he meant it. However...I'm still on your side.”
Blinking back tears, Hikari looked up into Aiba's face, her arms still wrapped around him, just as his were wrapped around her. “If Sho were to choose Kuri...would you...would you consider marrying me instead?”
He was taken aback by this, but he fought to keep his expression as blank as possible. “Hikari-chan...don't. You know you don't mean that.”
“But what if I do?” she whispered.
Aiba sighed. “Then...then I'd be by your side Hikari-chan. I'll do whatever I can to make you smile again.”
Hikari’s blue eyes bore into his brown ones, as if to make certain that he would keep his promise. He tried not to think of Yuuki as he saw his reflection in the blue pools, brimming with tears, in Hikari's eyes.
“Then…will you kiss me?” She said it so low that it was barely a whisper. Aiba froze at her request. He wanted this…didn’t he? After always being in Sho’s shadow, forced to watch from the sidelines, he would now be able to do whatever he wanted. But she was vulnerable right now, probably at her most vulnerable. He couldn’t bear to take advantage of that when she was in so much pain. Then there was Yuuki… Yuuki who had been with him when he was most in need, Yuuki who had supported him when he was most alone, Yuuki who had loved him when even he did not love himself...
His self-control snapped in half when she cradled his face in her hands. Gosh, was Sho ever stupid. How could he have let go of such a beautiful girl? How could he have caused her so much pain? Aiba brushed his lips against Hikari’s, and after that everything became a blur. They became tangled up in the sheets, kissing each other so lovingly, so sweetly, Aiba comforting her in the only way he knew how…
Hikari was supposed to be off limits, not merely because she was Sho's wife; but because he had Yuuki, and with all the things she had done for him, the last thing Yuuki deserved was his betrayal. Things went too far last night, even though neither Aiba or Hikari had the real intention of cheating on their partners. Even though Hikari had asked him to kiss her, Aiba knew that she loved Sho still; sure, he probably shouldn’t have complied, but instinct told him that it was the only way to console Hikari at that time.
But what he did last night merely added to the list of wrongs he had done against Yuuki. She would understand eventually, sure; but that wasn't enough for Aiba to forgive himself. And it would be a miracle, if, by some chance, they met and Yuuki forgave him for everything he has done. More than ever, he truly believed that he didn't deserve her, not in the least; yet still he wanted her by his side, for she was his only comfort, his only solace.
The black case in the corner of his room suddenly caught his eye: inside it was his saxophone. He was forced to stop playing the instrument after his pneumothorax, but he never threw the sax out. It had become an inseparable part of him; to throw it out would have been throwing a part of him, a part of his existence out, and he couldn't bear with that thought.
In a way, Hikari was no different. Hikari was like the little sister he had always wanted. She was the first woman, other than his mother, to love him just the way he was. Yuuki, to an extent, was the same: she brought calm to his heart, when it was most turbulent; and peace to his mind, when it was most distressed.
He knew he loved both them, perhaps differently, perhaps the same: they both walked into his life, claimed a special place in his heart, and to truly keep them out of his life would be an impossible task. They meant so much to him, to his existence; a part of him would die if either-or, both- were to ever walk out of his life, by his or by their own volition. The current distance between him and Yuuki was painful enough; and he knew he wouldn't be able to bear it if anything happened to Hikari now.
He crashed back into the bed, and wondered how things got so out of control, and how he had become so powerless.
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Yuuki had to stop in her tracks, as a bundle of brown curls, a black tank and jeans flew past her. It was a familiar figure; only her fourth time encountering the girl- Hikari.
She hadn't realised the proximity of the company accommodation to Aiba's apartment: it was on the other side of the station, a part of the suburb she hadn't set foot in, and probably wouldn’t have, had she not run out of bread that morning. Though she wasn't picky by nature, Yuuki was just not in the mood to eat anything she had in the house, and so she went out to get some breakfast. And had she decided to compromise, she would have missed Hikari, and her resolve would not have been so absolute.
As she walked out of the bakery, Hikari, with disheveled hair, rushed past her; she managed to catch a whiff of Aiba's scent as she ran by.
She wanted to cry, upon realising what that could only mean.
She hadn't expected to see Hikari twice, both times by coincidence, within the first week of being in Tokyo; and much less at this hour. Hikari was headed towards the nearest train station. It was 6am, and even the bakery had just opened. She should've been at home, with Sho, and not running about Tokyo. It made no sense, unless...
Yuuki was stunned, to say the least. To see Hikari, at this hour of the morning, rushing to the station coming from the direction of Aiba's apartment… it didn't take a genius to figure out what probably happened. She felt cheated, angry, and completely defeated; life continued to throw knives at her, and somehow she managed, but with each passing event she was less and less sure of how much more she could take. She knew it was time she confronted Aiba and broke things off, once and for all; yet, still, a part of her refused to believe that Aiba had betrayed her, believed that they would be back together, and was resolved to wait for his explanation.
Yuuki wasn't supposed to care anymore, though. She had decided that things were over between Aiba and herself; what he did was none of her business, much less what Hikari did, or was doing. It wasn't supposed to hurt, yet still it did; it was as though the knife that was plunged in her heart was given a painfully slow twist, that the wound would be reopened and the blood continued to drop, ever so slowly, ever so painfully...
But it was done. All the pieces were forcefully fitted together, and the picture, albeit disjointed, was complete. They were past the point of no return now.
Or, were they?
The pain in Yuuki's heart never lessened; it only got worse. This should've made her relieved by her decision, yet it did nothing of the sort. She thought she had given him up; but as much as she hated to admit it, it only made her all the more aware of feelings for Aiba, and how they still remained. A part of her still wanted him, longed for him, and was prepared to forgive him and go back to him; but her pride, her ego, her reason, wanted the exact opposite-that the only thing coming out of their relationship would merely be more pain and suffering. Sure, she wanted closure, but what kind of closure? The kind where she forgets about him and moves on, or forgives him and all is well again?
All she asked of Aiba was for him to let her know when he wanted the relationship to end; to have the courtesy to let her know if ever he fell for someone else. If he had done that, she would have wished him well, and moved on; but for him to leave her hanging was the cruelest form of torture-for that, she wanted to hate him. But more than ever, she hated herself, for not doing anything about the situation, and for not even putting up a fight for the man who she claimed she loved.
She wanted to call him, and ask him what the heck was going on, and demand him to stop messing with her feelings and her life, but she couldn't bring herself to do that.
If only things could be that simple.
Perhaps it was time to meet the lawyers, and started severing some of her ties to Johnnys Entertainment. Maybe that was the only way she could make herself move on.
Comments are appreciated, as always.
When he woke up, she was gone. Things couldn't have been worse.
He remembered falling asleep with Hikari in his arms; the scent of her hair still lingered in the sheets.
Oh God, what have I done…
Guilt washed over Aiba, as he thought back to the previous night's events. He was supposed to just comfort her, but somehow he managed to step too close to the line. Way too close. Sure, Sho gave him a chance to be with Hikari; but what bothered him was that he actually took it, without any thoughts about Yuuki.
How could I have let things go so far?
He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, as something on his bedside table caught his eye. It was Hikari's cell phone: with that still around, she couldn't have gone far.
Maybe she went for a walk or something…
He thought about what happened last night: the things Hikari had said, as she cried in his arms.
“Why did he do this to me Aiba? Am I really one the one at fault?” she quietly sobbed.
Aiba shook his head and pressed her even closer to him, hugging her in a tight embrace. He brought his lips to her forehead and smoothed her hair.
“You're not at fault Hikari-chan. Of course you're not at fault,” he said into her hair. Her grip on him only tightened. Aiba could now feel her hot tears falling on his neck.
“But he lied to me! He lied to me...I was never good enough to begin with. I should've known...we were never meant to last. It was always impossible.”
He shushed her, running a hand along her back as he did so. To see his best friend causing her so much pain was unbearable. “Don't say that,” he chastised. “He was stupid Hikari, he messed up. But...I don't believe he meant it. However...I'm still on your side.”
Blinking back tears, Hikari looked up into Aiba's face, her arms still wrapped around him, just as his were wrapped around her. “If Sho were to choose Kuri...would you...would you consider marrying me instead?”
He was taken aback by this, but he fought to keep his expression as blank as possible. “Hikari-chan...don't. You know you don't mean that.”
“But what if I do?” she whispered.
Aiba sighed. “Then...then I'd be by your side Hikari-chan. I'll do whatever I can to make you smile again.”
Hikari’s blue eyes bore into his brown ones, as if to make certain that he would keep his promise. He tried not to think of Yuuki as he saw his reflection in the blue pools, brimming with tears, in Hikari's eyes.
“Then…will you kiss me?” She said it so low that it was barely a whisper. Aiba froze at her request. He wanted this…didn’t he? After always being in Sho’s shadow, forced to watch from the sidelines, he would now be able to do whatever he wanted. But she was vulnerable right now, probably at her most vulnerable. He couldn’t bear to take advantage of that when she was in so much pain. Then there was Yuuki… Yuuki who had been with him when he was most in need, Yuuki who had supported him when he was most alone, Yuuki who had loved him when even he did not love himself...
His self-control snapped in half when she cradled his face in her hands. Gosh, was Sho ever stupid. How could he have let go of such a beautiful girl? How could he have caused her so much pain? Aiba brushed his lips against Hikari’s, and after that everything became a blur. They became tangled up in the sheets, kissing each other so lovingly, so sweetly, Aiba comforting her in the only way he knew how…
Hikari was supposed to be off limits, not merely because she was Sho's wife; but because he had Yuuki, and with all the things she had done for him, the last thing Yuuki deserved was his betrayal. Things went too far last night, even though neither Aiba or Hikari had the real intention of cheating on their partners. Even though Hikari had asked him to kiss her, Aiba knew that she loved Sho still; sure, he probably shouldn’t have complied, but instinct told him that it was the only way to console Hikari at that time.
But what he did last night merely added to the list of wrongs he had done against Yuuki. She would understand eventually, sure; but that wasn't enough for Aiba to forgive himself. And it would be a miracle, if, by some chance, they met and Yuuki forgave him for everything he has done. More than ever, he truly believed that he didn't deserve her, not in the least; yet still he wanted her by his side, for she was his only comfort, his only solace.
The black case in the corner of his room suddenly caught his eye: inside it was his saxophone. He was forced to stop playing the instrument after his pneumothorax, but he never threw the sax out. It had become an inseparable part of him; to throw it out would have been throwing a part of him, a part of his existence out, and he couldn't bear with that thought.
In a way, Hikari was no different. Hikari was like the little sister he had always wanted. She was the first woman, other than his mother, to love him just the way he was. Yuuki, to an extent, was the same: she brought calm to his heart, when it was most turbulent; and peace to his mind, when it was most distressed.
He knew he loved both them, perhaps differently, perhaps the same: they both walked into his life, claimed a special place in his heart, and to truly keep them out of his life would be an impossible task. They meant so much to him, to his existence; a part of him would die if either-or, both- were to ever walk out of his life, by his or by their own volition. The current distance between him and Yuuki was painful enough; and he knew he wouldn't be able to bear it if anything happened to Hikari now.
He crashed back into the bed, and wondered how things got so out of control, and how he had become so powerless.
====================================
Yuuki had to stop in her tracks, as a bundle of brown curls, a black tank and jeans flew past her. It was a familiar figure; only her fourth time encountering the girl- Hikari.
She hadn't realised the proximity of the company accommodation to Aiba's apartment: it was on the other side of the station, a part of the suburb she hadn't set foot in, and probably wouldn’t have, had she not run out of bread that morning. Though she wasn't picky by nature, Yuuki was just not in the mood to eat anything she had in the house, and so she went out to get some breakfast. And had she decided to compromise, she would have missed Hikari, and her resolve would not have been so absolute.
As she walked out of the bakery, Hikari, with disheveled hair, rushed past her; she managed to catch a whiff of Aiba's scent as she ran by.
She wanted to cry, upon realising what that could only mean.
She hadn't expected to see Hikari twice, both times by coincidence, within the first week of being in Tokyo; and much less at this hour. Hikari was headed towards the nearest train station. It was 6am, and even the bakery had just opened. She should've been at home, with Sho, and not running about Tokyo. It made no sense, unless...
Yuuki was stunned, to say the least. To see Hikari, at this hour of the morning, rushing to the station coming from the direction of Aiba's apartment… it didn't take a genius to figure out what probably happened. She felt cheated, angry, and completely defeated; life continued to throw knives at her, and somehow she managed, but with each passing event she was less and less sure of how much more she could take. She knew it was time she confronted Aiba and broke things off, once and for all; yet, still, a part of her refused to believe that Aiba had betrayed her, believed that they would be back together, and was resolved to wait for his explanation.
Yuuki wasn't supposed to care anymore, though. She had decided that things were over between Aiba and herself; what he did was none of her business, much less what Hikari did, or was doing. It wasn't supposed to hurt, yet still it did; it was as though the knife that was plunged in her heart was given a painfully slow twist, that the wound would be reopened and the blood continued to drop, ever so slowly, ever so painfully...
But it was done. All the pieces were forcefully fitted together, and the picture, albeit disjointed, was complete. They were past the point of no return now.
Or, were they?
The pain in Yuuki's heart never lessened; it only got worse. This should've made her relieved by her decision, yet it did nothing of the sort. She thought she had given him up; but as much as she hated to admit it, it only made her all the more aware of feelings for Aiba, and how they still remained. A part of her still wanted him, longed for him, and was prepared to forgive him and go back to him; but her pride, her ego, her reason, wanted the exact opposite-that the only thing coming out of their relationship would merely be more pain and suffering. Sure, she wanted closure, but what kind of closure? The kind where she forgets about him and moves on, or forgives him and all is well again?
All she asked of Aiba was for him to let her know when he wanted the relationship to end; to have the courtesy to let her know if ever he fell for someone else. If he had done that, she would have wished him well, and moved on; but for him to leave her hanging was the cruelest form of torture-for that, she wanted to hate him. But more than ever, she hated herself, for not doing anything about the situation, and for not even putting up a fight for the man who she claimed she loved.
She wanted to call him, and ask him what the heck was going on, and demand him to stop messing with her feelings and her life, but she couldn't bring herself to do that.
If only things could be that simple.
Perhaps it was time to meet the lawyers, and started severing some of her ties to Johnnys Entertainment. Maybe that was the only way she could make herself move on.
Comments are appreciated, as always.