Area Man Not Sure if He's A Terrorist
Area Man Not Sure If He's A Terrorist
By Z80
Davenport, Iowa
In a dumbfounded state on Tuesday, local man Thomas Moore said,
"I just don't know. I looked up 'terrorist' in the dictionary, and the definition was something like
'a person who is willing to kill for a political or personal agenda, or one who causes terror'. But
the Bush Administration declared the other day that a terrorist is anyone who isn't a 'rich, Caucasian, heterosexual conservative Christian Republican'."
Added Thomas, "So, I'm not sure. I could be a terrorist, but the dictionary doesn't say anything like that."
The Bush Administration declared in a press conference the previous Friday that the difference between "Americans", and "Terrorists" is whether they meet the criteria or not.
As a visual aid, they held up a hemispherical pie-chart, crudely drawn in black crayon, with the words, "US" and "THEM" written in the white and black hemispheres.
Moore, who is a middle-class, Caucasian agnostic independant, clearly doesn't meet the Bush Administrations' standards for being in the "US" category, expressed
concerns that this sort of ambiguity may cause problems down the line.
"I don't like it. I mean, if I'm a terrorist, that means I'll be hunted, or something, doesn't it?"
The Bush Administration declined to comment on Mr. Moore's confusion, but did release a list titled "These people are not Terrorists:"
Our Chief Of Staff here at Water Vapor breathed a sigh of relief to find his name on the list. "What a relief", he commented, "At least I know where I stand."
When Moore saw the document, however, he had some doubts.
"Wait a minute!" he exclaimed, "This is a photocopy! The words 'These people are not' has shade lines around them; It looks like a separate piece of paper that's been pasted into place on an existing document!"
He then added, "'Terrorists:' is capitalized, and in boldface."
Thomas scowled in what is obviously happy elation. "That's it," he said. "I'm voting Democratic in '08."