Fic :: Pretty Little Liars :: Transference
Fandom: Pretty Little Liars
Pairing: Hanna/Emily
Word Count: ~2,500
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Takes place after 1x10
Summary: "What was it like?" Hanna asked. "Kissing Alison?"
Transference
The girls visited Hanna often during the few days that she was in the hospital. They came and filled the room with news of the outside world, with scandal and heartbreak and laughter. She felt like she was in a bubble, removed from everything, and she listened to the speculation surrounding Alison‘s murder, the identity of A. They talked of Ian and Noel, and Hanna worried that her friends would end up in the hospital beside her with more than just a stupid broken leg.
At night she slept fitfully, waking with every noise, convinced that A was there in the corners of her dark room. When she closed her eyes she dreamt of Alison.
She wished her mother had agreed to move her into a double so that Hanna wouldn't have to sleep alone, but she’d insisted even when Hanna pressed. She came and sat with Hanna and Hanna didn’t bring it up again, but she worried about her mother’s mortgage, the bills, the hospital room. They’d worked it out, her mother said, but even so, Hanna worried.
Everything was so different than it had been over the summer when all Hanna had to worry about was how she would finally convince Sean to go all the way and whether or not she’d win homecoming queen.
On Hanna’s third day in the hospital Emily came by on her own after school. She sat on the edge of Hanna’s bed and drew an intricate design across the cast where it covered Hanna’s thigh. Spencer had brought her a sticker to cover A’s hateful autograph (’Sorry about losing my temper. My bad - Love A.’ My bad? Asshole.) but it wouldn’t stick to the plaster and it was making Hanna crazy as she repeatedly pressed it down.
“I have a better idea,” Emily said and she set to work, hiding the words underneath an intricate layer of flowers and swirls.
They didn’t talk much, just sat in each other’s company and silently worried together. Hanna watched the way that Emily’s hair fell over her shoulder and curled in front of her face as she concentrated on her doodle. Hanna reached out and pushed it back and out of Emily's way. Emily smiled up at her and resumed her work.
Emily had so much going on. Her whole life was changing. She had her strange friendship with Toby Cavanaugh. She had Maya and coming out to her parents. Hanna couldn’t even imagine coming to terms with something so huge, realizing how hard it could be to be different. Hanna had spent years trying so hard not to be different, and here was Emily, blazing her own path, tentatively stepping away from the herd.
“I loved her as more than a friend,” Emily had said that day at school when she was confronted by Detective Wilden and accused of destroying Alison’s memorial. Later, Emily had admitted that she and Alison had once kissed. Ali pushed Emily away, laughed and assured her that it was ‘practice’ and that it didn’t mean a thing to her.
“What was it like?” Hanna asked.
“What?” Emily didn’t look up from her work on Hanna’s cast.
“Kissing Alison,” Hanna clarified.
“Oh,” Emily said. She did look up now, but only for a moment before she shut down, ducked her head and looked away.
“You don’t have to talk about it,” Hanna said in a rush, trying to right things before Emily spooked and bolted, leaving Hanna alone until someone else decided to take pity and drop by for a visit.
Emily didn’t say anything and Hanna tried hard to think of a subject change, but the only things she could think to bring up were things that she knew Emily didn’t want to talk about. Do you think your parents will come around? Do you feel better now that we know? Now that they know? What’s Maya like? How did this start? How did you know?
Hanna was pretty sure she knew the answer to her last question. It was Alison, of course. Everyone was a little bit in love with Alison, and Alison knew it. She probably knew what was going on with Emily before Emily even had any idea herself. Of course she’d thrive on that attention, at least at first. Hanna could easily see how it might have gone.
“I’ve thought about it,” Hanna said.
“Thought about what?”
“About kissing Alison,” Hanna confessed. “I think that must be why A sent me the pictures of you and Maya instead of sending them to Spencer or Aria.”
Emily thought about this for a moment and then smiled and said, “A also sent the pictures to my mother. Maybe my mom thought about kissing Alison too then.” She didn’t seem to think about what she was saying until it was already out of her mouth, and as soon as it registered she made a face, looked like she couldn’t believe she’d said that out loud.
“Gross,” Hanna breathed. She laughed with Emily and then dove back in. “It must have been amazing though. Kissing Ali. I always kind of thought it would be amazing.”
“It was,” Emily admitted. “She was so beautiful and so - you know how she was.”
“Confusing?” Hanna suggested.
Emily ducked her head again, but she was smiling now, a definite improvement. Sometimes it was tough to get Emily to open up. Hanna liked that about her. She liked the challenge.
“Definitely confusing,” Emily said. “It was so easy to fall in love with her.”
“That’s Ali,” Hanna said.
“Yeah,” Emily agreed. “Yeah, that’s Ali.”
Emily put the finishing touches on her cast art. As she worked she said, "You reminded me of her so much when we grew apart."
Hanna didn't know what to say to that. She wanted to be flattered. She'd tried, after all. She'd worked so hard.
Hanna wasn't flattered. She wasn't sure she wanted to remind anyone of Alison. Not anymore.
Hanna reached down to trace the lines that Emily had drawn on her cast. She couldn’t read A’s words at all now.
“Where did it happen?” Hanna asked. “Where did you kiss her?”
“The library.”
Hanna looked up, surprised by the answer. She wasn’t sure why but she’d expected Emily to say the kissing rock behind the lake.
“The library? How romantic.”
Emily heard the mocking tone and frowned, started to close up again. “Stop it.”
“I’m only teasing,” Hanna promised.
“I know,” Emily said. “But it still hurts a little.”
“Oh, Em,” Hanna said. She reached out to touch her friend’s shoulder. She hoped the touch was comforting. “I’m sorry.”
She curled her hand around Emily’s arm, pulled just a little. Emily was resistant at first but quickly gave in, stretching out on the narrow hospital bed beside Hanna, resting with Hanna’s arm behind her shoulders. Hanna curled her arm behind Emily’s head, ran fingers through Emily’s dark hair.
“I get to go home tomorrow,” Hanna said. “I won’t be able to walk yet with this cast, but at least I’ll be home.”
“That’s great, Hanna,” Emily said.
“Yeah,” Hanna agreed. “This hospital freaks me out. I don’t think I’ve slept more than two hours a night.”
Emily tilted her head so that it rested on Hanna’s shoulder.
“Do you think we’d be friends if it wasn’t for Alison?” Emily asked after a moment.
“I don’t know,” Hanna said. “Alison disappeared and we all stopped talking to each other.”
“We were grieving,” Emily reasoned.
“And then they found her body and A appeared,” Hanna said. “And here we are.” She waved her free arm to encompass the sterile hospital room.
“We’ll stay friends now though,” Emily said. “When A is gone and Ali’s murderer is found. We’ll stay friends.”
“Of course we will,” Hanna said. “Best friends.”
They lapsed back into silence then, Hanna still combing her fingers through Emily’s hair. She was still thinking about Alison. About the way she smiled, lighting up entire rooms. She could make Hanna feel like she was the only person in the entire world and them moments later she could tear Hanna down, make her feel so small. She couldn’t even imagine how much that would have hurt if she’d laid her heart on the line the way that Emily had. Alison had broken Emily’s heart and none of them had had any clue.
“Would you ever have told us what was going on with you?” Hanna asked.
“I don’t know,” Emily admitted. Of course she would have had to tell them all eventually, but how much longer would Emily have kept everything to herself?
“I’m glad A sent the photos then,” Hanna said. “It’s the only good thing A’s done.”
“Good how?”
“You shouldn’t have to go through any of this alone. You’d probably still be hiding if A hadn’t outed you to me. So I guess I’m glad that I’d thought about kissing Ali too then. I mean, if that’s why A chose me.”
“Funny things to be glad for,” Emily noted.
“Well, I’m glad either way.”
“Me too, I guess. About this part anyway. I’m glad we can talk about this.”
Hanna pulled Emily’s hair, not hard, just a slight tug. “Even though you aren’t ready to say much.”
Emily rolled her eyes. “Even though I’m not ready to say much,” she agreed.
Hanna turned toward her, studied her friend’s profile. Emily was the nicest, sweetest person Hanna had ever met. She couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to hurt Emily, and yet it seemed like Emily got hurt so often.
Emily turned to look back at Hanna and smiled. Hanna wanted to kiss Emily just a little. The thought surprised her, scared her, and she shook her head and grinned, mischievous now as she turned the thought around, made light of the idea and said, “How much would A freak if you and I kissed right now? Who do you think would receive the first text?”
Emily let out a surprised sneeze of a laugh, and then thought about it for a moment and said, “Spencer.”
It was weird, Hanna thought, to joke about being stalked. Especially now that the stalker had her lying here in a hospital bed. Everything had become so weird.
“Let’s find out,” Hanna suggested.
Emily pulled a face but Hanna ignored her, curled the arm that Emily was resting on until she could reach around and press her fingers to Emily’s lips. Then Hanna leaned in, pressed her mouth to the other side of her hand. She could feel Emily smiling against her palm, could see the smile reflected in Emily’s eyes. Hanna closed her eyes to keep herself from laughing too.
Nothing happened, no cellphones ringing frantically, no mysterious deliveries, and eventually Emily reached up, pulled at Hanna’s hand. Emily was starting to speak but Hanna’s eyes were still shut and she didn’t expect to have her hand disappear so suddenly. She fell forward, her mouth hitting Emily’s so their teeth knocked.
“Ow,” Emily laughed and leaned her head back away from Hanna.
“No text message,“ Emily noted. “I guess it must be A’s day off.“
“Yeah,” Hanna agreed. She was preoccupied, thinking of Ali, how she’d lie beside Alison and imagine what it would be like to kiss her, what it would be like to be her. It was always more about being Alison than any of the rest of it. Not with Emily though. She didn’t want to be Emily. Hanna was happy with who she was now. Right now all Hanna wanted was to stop thinking, stop worrying. All Hanna wanted was to kiss Emily.
“Will you kiss me?”
“What?”
“Will you kiss me?” Hanna repeated, realized that she wanted it enough to say the words again.
Emily turned away for a moment and then looked back, smiled though this time it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Sure,” Emily said. She lifted her hand to cover Hanna’s mouth.
“No,” Hanna said and gently pushed Emily’s hand away. “I mean really kiss me.”
“Hanna,” Emily started.
“Just once,” Hanna promised. “We don’t need to tell anyone.”
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Emily said.
Hanna felt Emily’s rejection like a punch in the gut. It felt the same as it ever had with Sean. She wasn’t good enough. She wasn’t pretty enough or thin enough or funny enough. She was still that fat silly girl she’d been when she’d dreamed of Alison.
She was being irrational. She knew that she was. There were other reasons. Emily had Maya. Maybe they were getting serious. Em hadn’t said. Emily had already done this, just one kiss with one of her best friends. Maybe Emily thought it would just be practice for Hanna too.
Emily reached up and pressed a finger to Hanna’s frown. Hanna looked up at Emily, at her dark eyes and her matching frown. Hanna kissed Emily’s finger tip and Emily smiled, blushed just a little, and then she kissed Hanna. Really kissed her, no jokes, no hands.
Emily’s mouth pressed soft to Hanna’s lips. She kissed Hanna’s top lip and when Hanna sighed into it, Emily kissed her again, mouth pressed to Hanna’s lower lip this time. It wasn’t the same as it was with Sean. Hanna and Sean fumbled together, fought each other, they were never on the same page. When Emily moved, Hanna moved with her, kissed her back. Their lips matched and when Hanna opened her mouth she found that their tongues matched as well.
She moved with Emily, tongue sliding against Emily’s tongue with each kiss. She could feel it in her stomach, in her chest. She could feel this kiss everywhere and with it she thought she could feel it all change. Everything she thought she knew about herself. This must be what it’s like, she thought.
Hanna reached up, her fingers light on Emily’s cheek and Emily pressed closer, kissed her again and again, mouths opening and closing against each other in a perfect rhythm, perfect kisses every time.
Emily shifted, turned so that Hanna was on her back and Emily was above her, kissing Hanna back into the stiff hospital pillows. And then Emily opened her eyes, looked at Hanna and seemed to remember who they were and what they were doing. She pulled back abruptly and wiped a hand across her mouth.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” Emily said. “I should go.”
Hanna reached out for Emily’s arm, held her there. “Wait. Emily, I wanted you to.”
“Why?” Emily asked. She looked hurt. Hanna never meant to hurt her.
“I don‘t know,” Hanna said. She shrugged but the gesture felt too flippant, too dismissive, and she instantly regretted it. “I just did.”
Emily sighed, but she wasn’t leaving, was settling back onto the hospital bed. She was worrying about this, Hanna could tell. Worrying about how this might ruin things between them. Worrying that Hanna would push her away. Hanna wasn’t Alison. She could dress up like her and she could spend a summer pretending, but Hanna knew. She’d never be Alison. She knew now that it wasn’t ever what she really wanted anyway.
“Can I tell you a secret?” Hanna asked.
“Okay,” Emily said eventually.
“I wish that you’d kiss me again.”
Emily looked down at her hands, folded together in her lap. She was smiling just a little. She probably thought that Hanna wouldn't be able to see it, but Hanna did, and she felt her heart thumping just a little harder in her chest, waiting for Emily to make up her mind.
This was how it felt, Hanna thought. I wish that you'd kiss me again.
And then Emily did.
Pairing: Hanna/Emily
Word Count: ~2,500
Rating: PG-13
Notes: Takes place after 1x10
Summary: "What was it like?" Hanna asked. "Kissing Alison?"
Transference
The girls visited Hanna often during the few days that she was in the hospital. They came and filled the room with news of the outside world, with scandal and heartbreak and laughter. She felt like she was in a bubble, removed from everything, and she listened to the speculation surrounding Alison‘s murder, the identity of A. They talked of Ian and Noel, and Hanna worried that her friends would end up in the hospital beside her with more than just a stupid broken leg.
At night she slept fitfully, waking with every noise, convinced that A was there in the corners of her dark room. When she closed her eyes she dreamt of Alison.
She wished her mother had agreed to move her into a double so that Hanna wouldn't have to sleep alone, but she’d insisted even when Hanna pressed. She came and sat with Hanna and Hanna didn’t bring it up again, but she worried about her mother’s mortgage, the bills, the hospital room. They’d worked it out, her mother said, but even so, Hanna worried.
Everything was so different than it had been over the summer when all Hanna had to worry about was how she would finally convince Sean to go all the way and whether or not she’d win homecoming queen.
On Hanna’s third day in the hospital Emily came by on her own after school. She sat on the edge of Hanna’s bed and drew an intricate design across the cast where it covered Hanna’s thigh. Spencer had brought her a sticker to cover A’s hateful autograph (’Sorry about losing my temper. My bad - Love A.’ My bad? Asshole.) but it wouldn’t stick to the plaster and it was making Hanna crazy as she repeatedly pressed it down.
“I have a better idea,” Emily said and she set to work, hiding the words underneath an intricate layer of flowers and swirls.
They didn’t talk much, just sat in each other’s company and silently worried together. Hanna watched the way that Emily’s hair fell over her shoulder and curled in front of her face as she concentrated on her doodle. Hanna reached out and pushed it back and out of Emily's way. Emily smiled up at her and resumed her work.
Emily had so much going on. Her whole life was changing. She had her strange friendship with Toby Cavanaugh. She had Maya and coming out to her parents. Hanna couldn’t even imagine coming to terms with something so huge, realizing how hard it could be to be different. Hanna had spent years trying so hard not to be different, and here was Emily, blazing her own path, tentatively stepping away from the herd.
“I loved her as more than a friend,” Emily had said that day at school when she was confronted by Detective Wilden and accused of destroying Alison’s memorial. Later, Emily had admitted that she and Alison had once kissed. Ali pushed Emily away, laughed and assured her that it was ‘practice’ and that it didn’t mean a thing to her.
“What was it like?” Hanna asked.
“What?” Emily didn’t look up from her work on Hanna’s cast.
“Kissing Alison,” Hanna clarified.
“Oh,” Emily said. She did look up now, but only for a moment before she shut down, ducked her head and looked away.
“You don’t have to talk about it,” Hanna said in a rush, trying to right things before Emily spooked and bolted, leaving Hanna alone until someone else decided to take pity and drop by for a visit.
Emily didn’t say anything and Hanna tried hard to think of a subject change, but the only things she could think to bring up were things that she knew Emily didn’t want to talk about. Do you think your parents will come around? Do you feel better now that we know? Now that they know? What’s Maya like? How did this start? How did you know?
Hanna was pretty sure she knew the answer to her last question. It was Alison, of course. Everyone was a little bit in love with Alison, and Alison knew it. She probably knew what was going on with Emily before Emily even had any idea herself. Of course she’d thrive on that attention, at least at first. Hanna could easily see how it might have gone.
“I’ve thought about it,” Hanna said.
“Thought about what?”
“About kissing Alison,” Hanna confessed. “I think that must be why A sent me the pictures of you and Maya instead of sending them to Spencer or Aria.”
Emily thought about this for a moment and then smiled and said, “A also sent the pictures to my mother. Maybe my mom thought about kissing Alison too then.” She didn’t seem to think about what she was saying until it was already out of her mouth, and as soon as it registered she made a face, looked like she couldn’t believe she’d said that out loud.
“Gross,” Hanna breathed. She laughed with Emily and then dove back in. “It must have been amazing though. Kissing Ali. I always kind of thought it would be amazing.”
“It was,” Emily admitted. “She was so beautiful and so - you know how she was.”
“Confusing?” Hanna suggested.
Emily ducked her head again, but she was smiling now, a definite improvement. Sometimes it was tough to get Emily to open up. Hanna liked that about her. She liked the challenge.
“Definitely confusing,” Emily said. “It was so easy to fall in love with her.”
“That’s Ali,” Hanna said.
“Yeah,” Emily agreed. “Yeah, that’s Ali.”
Emily put the finishing touches on her cast art. As she worked she said, "You reminded me of her so much when we grew apart."
Hanna didn't know what to say to that. She wanted to be flattered. She'd tried, after all. She'd worked so hard.
Hanna wasn't flattered. She wasn't sure she wanted to remind anyone of Alison. Not anymore.
Hanna reached down to trace the lines that Emily had drawn on her cast. She couldn’t read A’s words at all now.
“Where did it happen?” Hanna asked. “Where did you kiss her?”
“The library.”
Hanna looked up, surprised by the answer. She wasn’t sure why but she’d expected Emily to say the kissing rock behind the lake.
“The library? How romantic.”
Emily heard the mocking tone and frowned, started to close up again. “Stop it.”
“I’m only teasing,” Hanna promised.
“I know,” Emily said. “But it still hurts a little.”
“Oh, Em,” Hanna said. She reached out to touch her friend’s shoulder. She hoped the touch was comforting. “I’m sorry.”
She curled her hand around Emily’s arm, pulled just a little. Emily was resistant at first but quickly gave in, stretching out on the narrow hospital bed beside Hanna, resting with Hanna’s arm behind her shoulders. Hanna curled her arm behind Emily’s head, ran fingers through Emily’s dark hair.
“I get to go home tomorrow,” Hanna said. “I won’t be able to walk yet with this cast, but at least I’ll be home.”
“That’s great, Hanna,” Emily said.
“Yeah,” Hanna agreed. “This hospital freaks me out. I don’t think I’ve slept more than two hours a night.”
Emily tilted her head so that it rested on Hanna’s shoulder.
“Do you think we’d be friends if it wasn’t for Alison?” Emily asked after a moment.
“I don’t know,” Hanna said. “Alison disappeared and we all stopped talking to each other.”
“We were grieving,” Emily reasoned.
“And then they found her body and A appeared,” Hanna said. “And here we are.” She waved her free arm to encompass the sterile hospital room.
“We’ll stay friends now though,” Emily said. “When A is gone and Ali’s murderer is found. We’ll stay friends.”
“Of course we will,” Hanna said. “Best friends.”
They lapsed back into silence then, Hanna still combing her fingers through Emily’s hair. She was still thinking about Alison. About the way she smiled, lighting up entire rooms. She could make Hanna feel like she was the only person in the entire world and them moments later she could tear Hanna down, make her feel so small. She couldn’t even imagine how much that would have hurt if she’d laid her heart on the line the way that Emily had. Alison had broken Emily’s heart and none of them had had any clue.
“Would you ever have told us what was going on with you?” Hanna asked.
“I don’t know,” Emily admitted. Of course she would have had to tell them all eventually, but how much longer would Emily have kept everything to herself?
“I’m glad A sent the photos then,” Hanna said. “It’s the only good thing A’s done.”
“Good how?”
“You shouldn’t have to go through any of this alone. You’d probably still be hiding if A hadn’t outed you to me. So I guess I’m glad that I’d thought about kissing Ali too then. I mean, if that’s why A chose me.”
“Funny things to be glad for,” Emily noted.
“Well, I’m glad either way.”
“Me too, I guess. About this part anyway. I’m glad we can talk about this.”
Hanna pulled Emily’s hair, not hard, just a slight tug. “Even though you aren’t ready to say much.”
Emily rolled her eyes. “Even though I’m not ready to say much,” she agreed.
Hanna turned toward her, studied her friend’s profile. Emily was the nicest, sweetest person Hanna had ever met. She couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to hurt Emily, and yet it seemed like Emily got hurt so often.
Emily turned to look back at Hanna and smiled. Hanna wanted to kiss Emily just a little. The thought surprised her, scared her, and she shook her head and grinned, mischievous now as she turned the thought around, made light of the idea and said, “How much would A freak if you and I kissed right now? Who do you think would receive the first text?”
Emily let out a surprised sneeze of a laugh, and then thought about it for a moment and said, “Spencer.”
It was weird, Hanna thought, to joke about being stalked. Especially now that the stalker had her lying here in a hospital bed. Everything had become so weird.
“Let’s find out,” Hanna suggested.
Emily pulled a face but Hanna ignored her, curled the arm that Emily was resting on until she could reach around and press her fingers to Emily’s lips. Then Hanna leaned in, pressed her mouth to the other side of her hand. She could feel Emily smiling against her palm, could see the smile reflected in Emily’s eyes. Hanna closed her eyes to keep herself from laughing too.
Nothing happened, no cellphones ringing frantically, no mysterious deliveries, and eventually Emily reached up, pulled at Hanna’s hand. Emily was starting to speak but Hanna’s eyes were still shut and she didn’t expect to have her hand disappear so suddenly. She fell forward, her mouth hitting Emily’s so their teeth knocked.
“Ow,” Emily laughed and leaned her head back away from Hanna.
“No text message,“ Emily noted. “I guess it must be A’s day off.“
“Yeah,” Hanna agreed. She was preoccupied, thinking of Ali, how she’d lie beside Alison and imagine what it would be like to kiss her, what it would be like to be her. It was always more about being Alison than any of the rest of it. Not with Emily though. She didn’t want to be Emily. Hanna was happy with who she was now. Right now all Hanna wanted was to stop thinking, stop worrying. All Hanna wanted was to kiss Emily.
“Will you kiss me?”
“What?”
“Will you kiss me?” Hanna repeated, realized that she wanted it enough to say the words again.
Emily turned away for a moment and then looked back, smiled though this time it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Sure,” Emily said. She lifted her hand to cover Hanna’s mouth.
“No,” Hanna said and gently pushed Emily’s hand away. “I mean really kiss me.”
“Hanna,” Emily started.
“Just once,” Hanna promised. “We don’t need to tell anyone.”
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Emily said.
Hanna felt Emily’s rejection like a punch in the gut. It felt the same as it ever had with Sean. She wasn’t good enough. She wasn’t pretty enough or thin enough or funny enough. She was still that fat silly girl she’d been when she’d dreamed of Alison.
She was being irrational. She knew that she was. There were other reasons. Emily had Maya. Maybe they were getting serious. Em hadn’t said. Emily had already done this, just one kiss with one of her best friends. Maybe Emily thought it would just be practice for Hanna too.
Emily reached up and pressed a finger to Hanna’s frown. Hanna looked up at Emily, at her dark eyes and her matching frown. Hanna kissed Emily’s finger tip and Emily smiled, blushed just a little, and then she kissed Hanna. Really kissed her, no jokes, no hands.
Emily’s mouth pressed soft to Hanna’s lips. She kissed Hanna’s top lip and when Hanna sighed into it, Emily kissed her again, mouth pressed to Hanna’s lower lip this time. It wasn’t the same as it was with Sean. Hanna and Sean fumbled together, fought each other, they were never on the same page. When Emily moved, Hanna moved with her, kissed her back. Their lips matched and when Hanna opened her mouth she found that their tongues matched as well.
She moved with Emily, tongue sliding against Emily’s tongue with each kiss. She could feel it in her stomach, in her chest. She could feel this kiss everywhere and with it she thought she could feel it all change. Everything she thought she knew about herself. This must be what it’s like, she thought.
Hanna reached up, her fingers light on Emily’s cheek and Emily pressed closer, kissed her again and again, mouths opening and closing against each other in a perfect rhythm, perfect kisses every time.
Emily shifted, turned so that Hanna was on her back and Emily was above her, kissing Hanna back into the stiff hospital pillows. And then Emily opened her eyes, looked at Hanna and seemed to remember who they were and what they were doing. She pulled back abruptly and wiped a hand across her mouth.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” Emily said. “I should go.”
Hanna reached out for Emily’s arm, held her there. “Wait. Emily, I wanted you to.”
“Why?” Emily asked. She looked hurt. Hanna never meant to hurt her.
“I don‘t know,” Hanna said. She shrugged but the gesture felt too flippant, too dismissive, and she instantly regretted it. “I just did.”
Emily sighed, but she wasn’t leaving, was settling back onto the hospital bed. She was worrying about this, Hanna could tell. Worrying about how this might ruin things between them. Worrying that Hanna would push her away. Hanna wasn’t Alison. She could dress up like her and she could spend a summer pretending, but Hanna knew. She’d never be Alison. She knew now that it wasn’t ever what she really wanted anyway.
“Can I tell you a secret?” Hanna asked.
“Okay,” Emily said eventually.
“I wish that you’d kiss me again.”
Emily looked down at her hands, folded together in her lap. She was smiling just a little. She probably thought that Hanna wouldn't be able to see it, but Hanna did, and she felt her heart thumping just a little harder in her chest, waiting for Emily to make up her mind.
This was how it felt, Hanna thought. I wish that you'd kiss me again.
And then Emily did.