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54 hours without a cigarette and I am freaking the fuck out! I went for a bike ride to the beach today but traffic was busy and stressful. There was not one bone in my body that didn't want a cigarette. I smoke more than anyone I know and this has been the case for over a year. I need to stop. Now. I am a smokoholic. One cigarette and I am in for ( Read more... ) -
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27 hours without a cigarette. This is priority number one in my life. If I can't quit smoking, then I will continue to pay 6 dollars a day, sometimes more, for the privilege of smelling like smoke, having yellow teeth, bad breath, and shortness of breath. I have a good start but I'm not through the first 72 hours which are the hardest. That said I ( Read more... ) -
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Drowned in irrelevancy, choked by the smoke billowing off the old ideals, the old sublime, the world as it once appeared through childlike eyes. I fear that I will never be loved, or worse that I will never love, I fear that I have given everything already and been found wanting, I fear that everyone talks about me behind my back and I fear more ( Read more... ) -
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It's happening now. I can feel it and I know it ( Read more... ) -
The End of the Dial Tone Radical Experimental Collaborative Art Exhibit
Stolen bar pen scribbles in the midst of sticky flashing lights and unapologetic spontaneous jam band instruments of this so-called musical collaboration which invites participation in a myriad forms ( Read more... ) -
Announcement
To all my friends out there... my internet including both this journal and my facebook as well as a few other more secreted tunnels of my online personae will be going down for maintenance after my birthday. Probably for at least a month or so. I will likely no longer post my private thoughts here without friends-only lock. After the hiatus, I may ( Read more... ) -
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So life goes on... nearing aphelion. I think I'm ready to fall in love again. With the world, with myself, with the daily rhythms that churn and burn inside me, I'm finding a new bell tone of harmony ( Read more... ) -
The lost memory of a difficult truth.
If I could find that one quote written by Virginia Woolf, buried deep in her catechism, and bring it to light... place it on a pedestal, on the mantelpiece above the fireplace for all the guests in my life to see, it would express quite perfectly my failure as a human being. I would make a patch of it and wear it proudly as a living epitaph. The ( Read more... ) -
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So my boss wants to hire me full time and have me drive the company Cube. Along with full-time benefits, including health insurance that I haven't had for seven years, I also get a raise to my base pay. Other perks to follow. In the meantime, I'm completely broke for the next three paychecks. So work front good. For the first time in my life I'm ( Read more... ) -
The Girdle of Solitude
04-19-11 (cross-pollinated from my actual journal)
Total emotional breakdown today. I'm hiding it well. I don't have anyone to talk to. It's hard to explain to a bunch of 24 year old guys and 21 year old girls why I don't want to go to Gainesville (Three and a half hour drive North on 75.) Because I'm 31 years old and totally alone and on my own for ( Read more... )